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The Complete Idiot's Guide to Home Renovation by Vermin_Disciple
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
18 Jun 2024
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“Murder is one thing,” said Stede. “Who around here hasn’t done a bit of murder, now and then? But methodically entombing someone under the floor is just being a touch extra about it, don’t you think?”
“Exactly! There’s a perfectly good ocean right there for dumping bodies in! Nature’s corpse disposal service!”
“Just think of all the fish he might have fed!”
(In which Ed and Stede's prospective inn may or may not be cursed and/or haunted, but it's definitely cockblocking them.)
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
21 Jun 2026
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Middle-aged writer Edward Teach is on an extended sabbatical to finish the last novel in his most successful series, but just when it finally looks like he’s going to wrap things up, a cute, blond, twenty-something waltzes in to derail his epilogue.
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
19 May 2026
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Alma does try to sleep, but it’s a new place, full of new sounds, and she’s not oblivious like Louis. She’s interested in these things! There are shouts up above, on deck, to haul in the ropes and unfurl the sails. Soon enough, she can feel the ship move all around them. The gentle floating motion deepens into a steady rocking, and the sound of the waves overwhelms the voices. She wishes desperately to hear them. Everyone on deck must be busy setting the course, now! But if everyone’s on deck… There’s probably no one in the hallways. Alma could sneak up and get one last look for the night, see them actually pirating. Then she’ll go right back to bed. Promise!
- An AU in which Stede drags the family along -
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 25,933
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 2
- Comments:
- 47
- Kudos:
- 185
- Bookmarks:
- 54
- Hits:
- 2,414
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
16 May 2026
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Stede arrives at his childhood home to celebrate his father's birthday.
Things do not go as planned.
Or
Stede's father gets murdered the night after his birthday party, and now everyone is a suspect.Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
12 Apr 2026
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Ed is a burned out actor making a stab at reviving his troubled career by appearing in a big Hollywood franchise headed by Pete Black. Stede is an antiquarian bookseller, looking to fill his empty days after his divorce. Ed and Stede discover an undeniable connection when their lives suddenly intersect, but the timing really couldn't be worse. If they want to stay together, they'll need some creative problem solving.
Collaboration with art from Sailor’s Ruin.
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
29 Mar 2026
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Ed Teach and Stede Bonnet are cast as the stars of the new gay hockey show Heated Rivalry. They're professionals, and just because this show is rooted in romance and sex scenes, doesn't mean they have to catch feelings.
It doesn't mean they have to, but it doesn't mean they won't.
Series
- Part 12 of Smutty Gentlebeard not-quite-one shots
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
22 Feb 2026
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Stede Bonnet is an exhausted and heartsick anesthesiologist, stuck in a rut in his job and his marriage. When he meets a brilliant transplant surgeon after one of the worst cases of his life, he thinks everything might change.
Series
- Part 1 of surely you will be saved one day
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 88,408
- Chapters:
- 21/21
- Collections:
- 3
- Comments:
- 1,176
- Kudos:
- 425
- Bookmarks:
- 137
- Hits:
- 11,908
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
25 Jan 2026
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Summary
Stede's new island life is shaping up slowly but surely... and then he finds something strange in the water.
A selkie AU (...sort of)!
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 21,881
- Chapters:
- 6/6
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 126
- Kudos:
- 145
- Bookmarks:
- 29
- Hits:
- 1,513
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
16 Jan 2026
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Blackbeard and the Gentleman Gangster by StarWitness42
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
07 Aug 2022
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When Stede Bonnet leaves his home to open a restaurant in the East End of London, he's hoping for a spot of adventure. What he's not expecting is to meet the most famously ruthless gangster in the whole of England. Meeting Blackbeard doesn't just change his life, though, it changes Blackbeard's as well. But will they be able to live through those changes in a world that's not always on their side? (Modern Day Gangster AU)
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 56,056
- Chapters:
- 12/12
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 77
- Kudos:
- 239
- Bookmarks:
- 43
- Hits:
- 4,042
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
15 Jan 2026
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When the Pirates of the Caribbean Breaks Down, the Pirates Don’t Eat the Tourists (or do they?) by veeagainst for offsammich
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
11 Jan 2026
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Summary
A Jurassic Park AU from an unexamined perspective
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 13,563
- Chapters:
- 1/1
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 82
- Kudos:
- 87
- Bookmarks:
- 13
- Hits:
- 459
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
13 Jan 2026
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Summary
Ed Teach had made a name for himself, that was for certain; a celebrity ad man among a sea of gray suits. And that was why the suggestion to bring him in was absolutely absurd.
“He’d never work here. He’s too good, plus he doesn’t tie himself down.”
“There’s that can-do spirit I’ve always heard about!” Lucius jokes.
“We could at least try,” Jim presses.
There’s no way. “It’s not even what he does,” Stede tries to remind them, but he can already tell which way the tide is turning.
***
It's 1964, and Stede Bonnet runs a small but mighty ad firm in New York City. When their creative director suddenly quits, his agency reaches out to an unconventional replacement.
--or--
A Mad Men-inspired AU
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
10 Jan 2026
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Summary
A crew conducts a daring raid on the ship of the Mad Wizard Low, rescuing a man who's lost his memories. As Stede adjusts to his new life onboard a pirate ship, fleeing from the wrath of the wizard and trying to avoid the navy of the Immortal King, he tries to piece together what happened to him.
How long was he locked away? What did Mad Low want with him? And is he really just an average human mortal man?
Haunted by a recurring dream of a beautiful man in a raven mask and the burning conviction someone he loves very much is out there, Stede searches for answers, and begins to suspect he may have had a role in a failed magical ritual that plunged the world into chaos and flooding—held only at bay by the mysterious Blackbeard.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 141,187
- Chapters:
- 13/13
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 217
- Kudos:
- 87
- Bookmarks:
- 42
- Hits:
- 2,074
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
06 Jan 2026
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When Ed, a burnt-out rock star, ducks into Stede’s quiet vintage record shop to hide, he’s not prepared for the handsome, clueless owner or the connection that sparks.
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
03 Jan 2026
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Summary
Track 6 on AJ Crowley's platinum-award-winning album For A Breath I Tarry.
(Art + audio file! Listen to Pondwater for real!)
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
02 Jan 2026
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The Hounds of Love by AppleTeeth, CuriosityRocks, self_induljennt
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
28 Nov 2025
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Summary
Following his return to a life of piracy, Stede is desperate to get back to Ed - so much so, he's willing to use magic offered by a dodgy man in a fetching outfit. The spell whisks him back to the Revenge, but things are odd - not least, everyone seems to want to pet him.
Can he get back with Ed when he's an adorable corgi, or will Ed use the crew's new companion as a means to finally get them to mutiny?
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 28,393
- Chapters:
- 13/13
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 142
- Kudos:
- 128
- Bookmarks:
- 26
- Hits:
- 1,105
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
11 Dec 2025
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Summary
A 3:10 to Yuma AU. 1880s Arizona. Inept "Gentleman Rancher" Stede Bonnet volunteers to escort infamous outlaw Edward Teach to justice. Along the way, he'll have to choose between the man he wants and the man he wants to be.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 45,452
- Chapters:
- 10/10
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 256
- Kudos:
- 180
- Bookmarks:
- 58
- Hits:
- 2,905
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
09 Dec 2025
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Summary
Stede Bonnet loves his best friend. Ed Teach *loves* his best friend, who is both straight and engaged to "pleasant enough" Mary Allamby. All three of them are making the best of it until Father Bonnet announces for Stede's 30th birthday that he's set the wedding date. Are they all headed for misery or is there still a way to set all three of them free?
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 64,076
- Chapters:
- 12/12
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 1,018
- Kudos:
- 319
- Bookmarks:
- 60
- Hits:
- 7,398
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
29 Nov 2025
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No Shenaniganry Allowed Aboard Jeff's Inn on the Sea by Juniper (GelatinousStand), pogo
Fandoms: Our Flag Means Death (TV)
20 Nov 2025
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Summary
Ed and Stede have been best friends for years, and now own and run a cruise ship together, Jeff's Inn on the Sea. Everything's great! Except Ed has been pining for his best friend for years, and is sick to death of getting hit on by passengers. After a particularly trying day, he brings it up to Stede, and they hatch a brilliant (incredibly stupid) plot: they'll pretend they're dating, so everyone will think they're off limits. It'll be great!
Things do not go as planned.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 41,825
- Chapters:
- 7/7
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 339
- Kudos:
- 146
- Bookmarks:
- 24
- Hits:
- 2,209
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
22 Nov 2025
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Summary
A micro SMAU told (mostly) through the yearly Bonnet Family Christmas Newsletter. 🎄
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
18 Nov 2025
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Summary
Maybe this is all real, including the clean-shaven, well-adjusted version of himself sitting on the bed. In which case: why? And also, like, how?
Could be it’s the universe taking the piss. Showing him the timeline he could’ve been living in, if Stede cared enough to come back and find him. He could’ve been this other Ed, who apparently got Stede back and has learned to talk plainly about all the shit he’s feeling.
Could be it’s some, like, glimpse of the future? Like a warning? Like hey, Ed, you should think twice about offing yourself, because Stede’s actually about to show up any second, and you maybe kinda want to be alive for that?
Ha. Yeah, right.
- Language:
- English
- Words:
- 29,827
- Chapters:
- 6/6
- Collections:
- 1
- Comments:
- 117
- Kudos:
- 67
- Bookmarks:
- 14
- Hits:
- 1,407
Bookmarked by Phantomstardemon
14 Nov 2025