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Tyler's POV ~
The voice in his head was getting stronger. Every day was harder than the last, every spare moment of his day was spent trying to fight it. Fight what, exactly? He wasn’t sure. Only that something bad was creeping up on him. But he was older now, in his thirties. This was the struggle of a younger man, something he’d thought he’d grown out of.
Tyler’s head had been his own for so long.
Sure, he had the occasional slip-up, but this year had been so good. He’d been doing better than he ever had, and he’d been clean for longer than he ever thought he could be. It had been a whole year, and then some. When he’d first slipped into self-harm, he’d been a teenager. During that time, he’d never broken the habit for more than a year. It always fell apart just after that mark. But this time, he’d been doing so well, had hardly heard that tempting voice whisper in his ear.
Now, Tyler wasn’t sure when it had slipped back into his head. All he knew was that today was going to be hard. He needed to resist, but he wasn’t sure how strong he could be.
They were between shows on the tour, a break of a week or so. The show last night had taken a lot out of him, but it had also silenced the voice. Now, as the exhaustion faded, that familiar voice had crept back up.
You know you want it. You’ve wanted it so long, why not just let it happen?
Tyler was sitting at the small table in the tour bus, trying to take a quiet moment to himself before they arrived at the hotel. He grit his teeth.
Give in, it’ll feel so good.
No, Tyler refused to give in. They were going to be at the hotel tomorrow morning, and he knew he’d feel better. Josh was already sleeping, most of the crew was. There was no one around for him to ask for help.
They wouldn’t care anyway. You’ve been good for so long, just let go for one night.
He blew out a shaky breath, suddenly overwhelmed with the urge. He hardly realised he’d walked into the bathroom until his hands were locking the door behind him.
“No…”
Tyler took a step forward, gripping the sink with trembling hands.
Just a taste. That’s all you need. You’ll feel better.
No, no, no. He’d feel worse, he’d feel terrible. Tyler was hardly in control of his body.
You want it. You know you want it.
“Go away, please go…” he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut.
Let me do it.
Pain shot through his body. His eyes snapped open, to the sight of blood dripping down his arm.
“No…” he muttered. “No, no…”
There was a small razor blade in his hand. Stained with his blood. It clattered into the sink, fingers trembling too hard to hold it.
“Not again…”
Tyler dropped to the floor, leaning heavily against the locked door. He cradled his arm, bloody and stinging, trying to stop the deep red from dripping onto the floor. Pain shot up his whole body as he squeezed down onto the cuts.
“Mmmph.” Tyler muffled a sob into his shoulder.
He levelled out his breathing as best he could, trying to be silent as footsteps pattered far too close to him.
“Tyler?” Knocks against the door rattled his spine. Josh.
Everything in him begged to open the door, collapse into his best friend’s arms and beg forgiveness. Would Josh be mad? Even if he was, he’d help. He’d pick him up off the floor, hold him gently and clean the blood away. But he couldn’t give in now. This was his fault, his mess to clean up.
“Just a minute!” He tried to keep his voice steady.
The last thing he needed right now was Josh breaking down the door, thinking he was going to kill himself. No, it wasn’t quite there yet. He needed to do this alone.
“Ok,” Josh replied hesitantly, footsteps wandering away.
Damn. He needed to clean up. Quickly.
Twitching fingers wrapped gauze bandages tight around his wrist, working up toward his elbow. He’d messed up. Badly. Tyler tried not to think about it as he cleaned, scrubbing blood from the sink. If he started to think about how much progress he’d just lost… he wouldn’t get through it.
He grabbed his hoodie, tugging it roughly over his head. Tyler stole a glance at the mirror, red-rimmed eyes peering back at him. Other than the fact he’d obviously been crying… not too bad.
Tyler unlocked the door and slipped out. Hunched over, he took shaky steps back to his bunk. Times like these, he was glad that he had the bottom bunk. All he wanted right now was to curl up in a corner and sob.
Over a year clean. And all of that progress was lost in one night.
Someone was moving around, but he didn’t care. He pulled the curtain tight across his bunk and wedged himself against the wall.
Tyler wished he could drift into sleep and never wake again.
|-/
Josh's POV ~
“Hey.” Josh peeked behind the curtain, smiling softly, knowing it would do nothing to disguise the sadness behind his eyes. “Mind if I hang out?”
“‘Kay,” Tyler mumbled dejectedly.
Josh climbed into the bunk, pulling the curtain shut behind him. The curtains never shut fully, so there was enough light for him to see Tyler’s curled-up form.
“Did it happen again?”
The man nodded slowly, not making eye contact. Josh had all but known the second he saw the way the man had wandered out of the bathroom, bundled up in an oversized hoodie. This was just to get it out in the open.
“Alright. What’s your danger level right now?”
It was something they’d come up with when Tyler was really bad, and Josh needed a quick measure of how big a risk Tyler was to himself. It had saved the man’s life countless times.
“3,” he mumbled. “Already did it, but… feel bad. Hate…”
Josh nodded, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. 3 meant that he wasn’t actively going to hurt himself, but he wanted to. Or in this case, he already had, and wanted to take it further.
“Blurryface still here?” Tyler seemed shocked that Josh could tell.
“No. Maybe a little. Just whispering.”
He nodded. Josh understood that. Sometimes it seemed like his own Blurryface was lurking around in the corners of his head, waiting for some big trigger.
“Tell me where? And can I trust that you bandaged it up nicely?”
Tyler offered one arm, bandaged thickly, layers of gauze wrapped around it.
“Okay. Good job.” He pressed a kiss to the bandages. At least it wasn’t his stomach. That was always for when it was the worst. “Do you want a hug, or space?”
“Can you stop being so goddamn normal?” Tyler whispered, voice breaking a little.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean- why aren’t you surprised? It-it’s been so long, I’m a grown man, not a kid, and I’m acting like when I was 17-“ he was rambling, breaths coming in harsh and panicked.
“Slow down, Ty. Can you take a deep breath for me?”
“No! You-you’re acting like this is normal and fine, and it’s not! I was doing so well…”
It took everything in Josh not to just throw himself at the man and hold him until the dark thoughts disappeared. Tyler wasn’t as fond of hugs as Josh was. Instead, he squeezed the man’s shoulder, leaving his hand there.
“Were you counting the days?”
“428,” he said bluntly. Josh hadn’t realised it had been so long since he’d bandaged the man’s arm himself, and listened to his scattered promises to quit.
“Hey. It’s alright, Ty.”
“Stop saying that. You’re being too nice. You’re always too nice. I hate it. I hate you.”
Josh blinked. Tyler didn’t mean it, he was just lashing out. It still hurt a little.
“Fine. You want my honest opinion?” He nodded. “Yeah, maybe you did mess up a little. But you know what? Mistakes make us human. So I am not gonna let you beat yourself up for this, Tyler. We’re gonna get through this.”
“Still bein’ nice.” He grumbled, but his expression softened. “I don’t hate you. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“I know. It’s okay.”
“I’m sorry. Josh… I don’t hate you… I…” Tyler fumbled around, eventually snuggling into his chest. “I don’t feel good.”
“I know, Ty. Wanna talk about it?”
“Mmm. Disappointed in myself. Thought I was better.” He groaned. “I’m an adult. Shouldn’t be crying and… hurting myself. I got better, I don’t-“
He broke off into a muffled cry. “Damn it.”
“Hey, it’s okay. Talk me through it. What made you do it?” Josh tried to keep his voice low, and even, he knew it was calming for Tyler.
“Blurryface. Talking to me. Made me do it.”
“Tell me more.” He knew Tyler liked the metaphor, but he needed to know the reasoning. The triggers.
“I… It’s been so long. I’ve been wanting it… But something changed.”
So Tyler had been on the edge for a while. Josh tried to swallow the guilt of not realising.
“Changed?” He prodded carefully.
“I don’t know. It’s been creeping up. Sorry I didn’t tell you. Don’t know why I’m so quick to try and hide from you.”
“It’s okay. Next time I do want you to tell me, though, okay?”
“‘Kay. I’m tired.” The man sounded exhausted, between the tour and his obviously declining mental health… Tyler needed rest.
“Yeah? Alright. Lemme stay here with you, though.” Josh hoped that his presence might bring some comfort.
“Sure. If you really want me to be honest…” he trailed off. “Don’t wanna wake up.”
“Oh. Tyler-“
“Please, just don’t. I’m not gonna do anything else, I just…” His tone was bitter, defensive. Josh backed off.
“I understand.” He swallowed. It was never easy, no matter how many times he heard it. “Wanna sleep now?”
“Yeah. ‘Night, Josh. Sorry ‘bout everything.”
“Don’t have to apologise, Ty.” He hated the familiarity of those words. “You…we’ll get through this. Just gotta hang on, yeah?”
“Mm. Okay. Tired.”
“Yeah. I got you. You’re gonna be okay, you hear me? Gonna look after you, Ty, I promise.”
He kept whispering sweet nothings into Tyler’s hair until he was certain the man was asleep.
It would be tough, but they’d get through it. They’d done it before, they could do it again. Josh would be there, and he’d get Tyler through it.
That’s what best friends do.