Chapter Text
If anyone asked it was not Kevin’s fault.
No really, this time it REALLY WASN’T his fault.
“Mrrp?”
Kevin squished himself between the wall and one of the animated suits of armor as a veritable mountain of a cat prowled down the hall. You would think a cat half as tall as the ceiling would make some noise but no- the cat was silent as it moved down the hall, ears perked in interest as a group of Death Eaters turned into the hallway.
A fluffy, orange tail swished in anticipation and the cat hunkered down, its rear wiggling in the air as the Death Eaters gaped. A tense standoff occurred between cat and Death Eaters, until one Death Eater had enough and lifted his wand.
“Avada-”
Kevin snickered as the cat lunged at the Death Eater, squishing him to the ground before he could finish the incantation. The cat’s tail swiped back and forth faster as it cocked its head at the squealing Death Eater between its paws.
“Avada-”
“Crookshanks!”
Kevin jumped as Granger charged down the hallway, flinging a spell at the offending Death Eater. The man let out a gurgle before his lips fused together, and another spell from Granger’s wand blasted him down the corridor to hit the opposite wall. The next Death Eater to raise their wand to the cat got turned into a bookshelf, and the next one an armchair before backup in the form of three witches on broomsticks whizzed through the air throwing a quaffle that knocked the rest of the Death Eaters over before the girls collected their wands and stuck them to the walls.
“Hermione come on, they need help on the fourth floor!” one of the witches called out before zipping through the hall.
Granger makes an affirming noise, face buried in the fur of her cat as she cuddles into his neck. She stepped back and looked up at the cat with a considering look. One whisper into his ear and the cat hunkered down, a giant orange loaf in the middle of the hallway. To Kevin's delight Granger transfigured some of the rubble into a makeshift saddle and harness which wrapped around the cat. Another pause and a wave of her wand and more rubble and a torn tapestry was sacrificed to create a breastplate and helmet for the cat, Crookshanks, Granger corrected him as she hoisted her robes up and stuck her foot into the stirrups.
He ended up having to help Granger up onto her steed but it was worth it to hear the absolute screams of terror as she and her cat bounded into battle.
Kevin made a note to grab a copy of the photos from one of the cameras still flying around the castle and moves to the fifth floor - vampires had shown up an hour ago and he had several loaves of fresh, house elf made garlic bread ready to test out.
It was going to be a painstaking endeavor (get it? Because pain is French for- ah whatever) but he was willing to make the sacrifice.
(Ten minutes later he shoved a warm, delicious garlic-and-buttery piece of bread into a vampire’s mouth, only for the ungrateful thing to grab its throat, scream and jump backwards out a window. He made sure to let the House elf who gave him the breadsticks know that he thought it was delicious.)
He’s finishing off another piece of bread, walking down the fifth floor hallway humming the Jaws theme to the absolute delight of Dean Thomas, who was busy corralling the unholy combination that was Seamus Finnegan and Ginny Weasley.
Said corralling consisted of Thomas pointing out vampires and Death Eaters and sitting back and watching the show.
Of course it wasn’t all fun and games. Thomas was throwing out protegoes every few minutes, the strain showing in the sweat staining his collar and the white knuckled grip he had on his wand when Finnegan and the scary Weasley drew fire to get the Death Eaters away from where they had cornered a group on the staircase between the fifth floor and sixth floor. They were trapped between Death Eaters on either end and needed every wand to keep up the protective spells.
Luckily, Finnegan was very, very good at catching attention.
“Fore!” Three small bottles with sloshing liquid inside were thrown at the Death Eaters.
Two were Banished while the other broke open on the ground between the Death Eaters as Thomas grabbed Weasley and Kevin and yanked them behind a statue of a bronze duck. The ensuing explosion made the walls shake, and Kevin felt dizzy, his ears ringing as Finnegan laughed and tugged Thomas over for a sloppy kiss.
“Move!” Wealsey said, tossing a hex at whatever poor sod was able to move at ground zero of Finnegan’s homemade bombs.
Kevin looked between the damage and then out the window where students were struggling against acromantula in a small courtyard.
“How many of those bombs do you have?” he asked Finnegan casually.
Finnegan grinned, teeth pearly white against his soot-covered face and unzipped his robes, proudly extending his arms to show rows of shrunken bottles lining the inside.
“How many do you need?”
----
Ron Weasley had a plan.
It was a good plan, all things considered. A plan that would hopefully let them take the castle and kick out Voldemort and his cronies. A plan that would keep his friends and family safe, and not dead on the ground.
He had a plan. He would like to make it known to everyone that he HAD a PLAN.
Only no one bothered to warn him about Kevin.
Small, kinda twiggy Kevin who had held down the fort for hours with what amounted to spell-o-tape and a prayer.
Mad Genius Kevin who started putting Death Eaters in glass bottles and sticking them to the ceiling.
Actual Chaos Entity Kevin McCallister who somehow got a hold of Seamus Finnegian’s bottle bombs (‘Molotov cocktails, Ronald’) and was sling shooting them at the arcomantula trying to get in through the bottom floor.
… Did he mention he was doing this from the fifth floor?
Ron watched as Superhuman Marksman Kevin McCallister shot a bottle right at the entrance of the small courtyard, the bottle bursting into flames that stuck to the ground AND any Dark creatures making a bid for the castle.
And because Plan-Wrecker Kevin McCalister doesn’t do things by halves, other students had been flinging bottled napalm out the windows, creating a ring of fire around the castle doors so no creature could get in.
A moat. They made a fire moat around the castle. Kevin McCallister just set Hogwarts on fire.
Ron rubbed his head, before shooting a freezing spell towards Nott Senior. He dodged, only to slip on the ice covered floor and slam against a random chest. Ron barely blinked as the chest opened up to reveal a set of shiny teeth and a long, dripping tongue that scooped up the screaming Nott Senior and dragged him into its body.
Okay then.
“I am not going to ask,” Ron said, taking a careful step away from Deranged Trap Master Kevin McCallister’s newest creation. The chest burped in reply, and Ron picked up speed as he made his way to the first floor.
The castle was on fire, he just saw a Death Eater get eaten (?). He needed to regroup.
And also to make sure Fred and George never, NEVER meet Kevin McCallister.
—
It wasn’t all fun and games.
Oh they did have fun, using pranks and traps to take down the people who have been terrorizing the country, hunting down their classmates and neighbors just for being born to Muggles -
And look at them now, trapped in little bottles, stuck on walls and ceilings as their wands were taken away, made powerless by the same Muggle ingenuity and stubbornness they called dirty and tainted.
But after a point, having people shoot spells at you with the intent to kill really dampened the mood.
Especially when Potter collapsed in the doorway, clutching his bleeding head.
“He pissed,” Potter said, to no one's surprise. Voldemort had already started to destroy his way through the castle. They’ve had to abandon the west side from the third floor corridor down because there weren’t any stairs. Or even walls for that matter.
“Why’s he so obsessed with you, anyways?” Kevin asked, stretching his aching hands. He had his slingshot commandeered by Professor Trelawney five minutes ago, and his hands needed the break.
Potter grimaced and stood up, wiping away the blood with a sleeve. “Pride? There was some stupid prophecy made about the person who would defeat him. He didn’t even finish hearing the entire thing, but he’s been after me ever since.”
Kevin nodded. That certainly sucked. Though it was stupid, what if the prophecy said something like “you will die if you try to take over the world” and Voldemort made it come true because he didn’t hear that part?
Kevin brought that up and Potter snorted. “Yeah, too bad we can’t just throw him a fake prophecy. Merlin knows he believes them without question.”
A moment passed before Kevin and Potter looked at each other.
“How many of those crystal balls do you have left?” Potter asked, eyes wide behind his glasses.
“Too many,” Kevin replied, a maniacal grin stretching across his face. “I know a good voice changing charm. Do you know how to make fog?”
“Hermione probably does.” The two of them switch direction, heading to where they saw Hermione last. It wasn't hard, just follow the hairballs.
And somewhere in the great beyond, James Potter and Sirius Black are wiping away a proud tears.
—
This was either an extremely dumb idea, or pure genius, Kevin thought, getting into position.
“TOM!” Potter shouts from the middle of the Great Hall. Someone had conjured up a megaphone with the words ‘Potter’s Army’ emblazoned on the side, and Potter was currently using it to summon the Dark Lord.
“THOMAS MARVOLO RIDDLE!” Potter boomed, standing up on one of the tables. He had a crystal ball the size of a softball in one hand, fog slowly seeping out of it. “Once you looked for a prophecy about the one who would defeat you. Well,” Potter brandished the crystal ball out. “I have the prophecy here!”
The walls shuddered and the very air pressed down on everyone at the force of the Dark Lord’s interest. Kevin watched as Potter steadied himself, eyes flying to the doors as they slammed open, revealing Voldemort.
“Harry Potter,” Voldemort said after a pause. His eyes swept over the Great Hall where Potter stood on a table, the rest of the students and teachers standing behind him.
Kevin held his breath, hidden up on the ceiling of the room as Voldemort approached Potter.
“What use do I have for the Prophecy now? The Ministry has fallen, Hogwarts will fall, and soon, all of Great Britain will be in my hands,” Voldemort held his arms out, and behind him the Death Eaters filed in, spreading out to block the exit.
“And what if it says you will die in Hogwarts tonight?” Potter countered, holding the orb higher.
For a moment Kevin thought this was it, that Voldemort couldn’t possibly be so stupid to fall for such an obvious trick.
But Kevin didn’t know Voldemort like Harry Potter does. So he didn't know that dangling the two things Voldemort never managed to get - the Prophecy and Harry himself- in front of him was a sure-fire way to give the old man tunnel vision.
“Accio. ” The orb flew out of Potter’s grasp and into Voldemort’s, who immediately crushed it in his hand. White smoke poured from the orb, filling the air between the two groups.
A hush fell over the hall as a great and terrible voice intoned.
“The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not... the power that resides in the Up Dog... The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies..."
The voice faded away, and the crowd of Death Eaters behind Voldemort grew restless, murmurs growing in volume at the subject of the Prophecy.
“Well then, Harry Potter,” Voldemort’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. It looked like it pained him to say so but he continued. “What is this so-called power to defeat the great Lord Voldemort?
What is… Up Dog?”
For a moment it was like the heavens opened up and smiled down on Kevin.
“Merlin’s balls ,” he wheezed, biting down the hysterical laughter clawing up from his gut. “he actually said it .”
Below him, Potter’s face transformed into a smug, blinding smile. “Nothing mate, what’s up with you?”
There was a moment of silence, fragile as a sugar spun quill held between sweaty fingers.
Kevin didn’t know who was the first to break and start sniggering, but soon the Great Hall was filled with laughter as Voldemort’s face went from bewildered to enraged in a matter of seconds.
“So no joke this time, Kevin’s up,” Potter said.
There was the clink of glass breaking as the illusion Nimby placed on him broke, revealing a massive gatling gun, the dark turrets almost invisible against the stormy sky roiling across the ceiling.
Kevin gave Potter a second to dive off the table and into the waiting arms of his friends before proclaiming-
“Get out of my school, you filthy animals!”
The sound of gunfire erupted as the Death Eaters screamed, surprised by the explosive BRATATAT of the gatling gun. Red splattered across hastily constructed shields, and then across black robes as the rapid gunfire broke through the shields and into the crowd.
Through the smoke the dust kicked up from the bullet barrage, the sound of a teenage boy’s laughter filled the air.
Of course, the ADA wasn’t idle either. Spellfire shot through the air, catching fleeing Death Eaters as Kevin swung the gatling gun around with malicious glee. They tried to fight back, of course, sickly green Avada Kadava’s flashing into the air, however the Death Eaters didn’t take into consideration two things.
One, they were all gathered in one location, pigeonholed with only the doors leading to the hallway as their exit path and two, the Resistance had House Elves. Stunners and hexes came from every angle as wix were popped into and out of the Great Hall with the help of a house elf, several taking the opportunity to toss in dungbombs to add to the chaos before-
“Wait, this is PAINT ?” One Death Eater finally noticed that he wasn’t actually dying. The moment of realization cost him as his mouth was transfigured into fish lips before the red of a stunner hit his head. The realization came too late though, as many of the Death Eaters were taken out either with the non-stop paintball barrage or the efforts of the Resistance.
High above the chaos, Kevin collapsed back in his seat and shook his hands out. “That was wild,” he said, waiting for the smoke to disappear. There weren't any screams so that meant they got him right?
… Right?
A tense silence fell across the Great Hall, everyone braced for the worst as the dust slowly settled, revealing the Death Eaters sprawled out on the ground.
And there, underneath the bodies of two of his Death Eaters, Voldemort laid on the cold marble, his wand hanging from his limp fingers.
“...It worked?”
“Morgana’s tits, it worked!”
Cheers erupted throughout the hall as students and Resistance members slowly realized that yes, this just happened.
They won.
“Fuck he’s waking up!”
Or not.
Voldemort staggered to his feet, red paint dripping down his bald head as people screamed. He swung his wand, immense magical power gathering at the tip, and sparking a malevolent green hue. “HARRY POTTER-!”
BANG! BANG!
Voldemort dropped like a rock.
Several jaws dropped as Potter lowered his paintball gun at the same time Kevin called down from the ceiling. “Did you get him or me?”
Potter shrugged up at him and handed the paintball gun over to Weasley, while Granger and the Scary Weasley kept their wands trained on Voldemort's prone body.
No one moved as Potter moved closer to the body. Kevin kept his gun trained on Voldemort’s head, ready to take another shot if needed. Potter tilted the head towards the torch light, a mix of red and gold paint dripping down from the center of his forehead.
Potter stood over Voldemort for a moment before picking up the pale yew wand and snapping it decisively over his thigh.
“Better safe than sorry,” he said, before ropes shot out of his wand, wrapping around Voldemort to the point he resembled a ball of yarn instead of a Dark Wizard.
A gag around his mouth completed the picture as Potter leaned back, hands propped on his hips and nodded.
The doors to the Great Hall opened, and a dark head poked out.
“Blimey, Harry,” Longbottom entered the room, followed by the two Tonks ladies and an old woman wearing a tall vulture hat. He still had the sword, holding it by his side as he took in the crowd of people pointing their wands at him to the balled up Dark Lord and back at Potter. “Did we miss it?
“Yeah,” Potter laughed, setting off the crowd and walked over to clap Longbottom on the shoulder.
“I think it’s finally over.”
Final Tally:
Horcruxes remaining: 0, Final Boss: Defeated
Game Cleared
Enemies taken out:
150 Death Eaters
10 -> WWW Fireworks
8 -> Tacks
2 -> Trapped in 3rd Floor Corridor
3 -> Trapped with Rubix cube puzzle
15 -> House elf Bowling Club
4 -> Bludgers on the Stairs
27 -> Werewolf Stampede
5 -> Voldemort’s Employee Review
4 -> Professor McGonagall being BAMF
12 -> Suits of Armor
1 -> Friendly fire: Bellatrix edition
6 -> Kevin watched the Revenge of the Red Baron Movie and we are all suffering (But mostly the Death Eaters)
1 Bellatrix Lestrange -> Neville, Andromeda and Tonks
5 -> Hermione and Crookshanks tag team
1-> Mimic chest
46 -> The Grand Finale
30 Dementors -> Kittens on Fireworks
4 Giants -> Mandrake Cry
105 Acromantula:
7 -> Portable Swamp
39 -> Mandrake Cry
59 -> Fire Moat
35 Werewolves -> Poisoned Balloons and Vicious Literature
25 Vampires -> Garlic bread
Epilogue
“Hi Mom! Hi Dad!” Kevin waved to his parents as he hopped off of Hogwarts Express.
Peter and Kate McCallister stand in front of the gates to King’s Cross, arms crossed over their chests.
“I can’t WAIT to get home, you know they don’t really do pizza at Hogwarts? I’m starving-” Kevin said, trying to hustle his parents back through the wall.
“Kevin.” Kate holds up a newspaper.
Fuck, Kevin thought as she opened it up and there on the front page of the Daily Prophet, was Kevin’s face.
Specifically, a shot of him throwing a molotov cocktail from the fifth floor window, which seamlessly transitioned to a picture of him running away from a giant and then finally to the wide grin on his face as he fired on the Death Eaters from the ceiling.
Whoever gave those pictures to the Daily Prophet is dead to me, Kevin thought before sheepishly smiling at his parents.
“In my defense-”
“Grounded.”
“But Mom-”
“No video games for a week.”
“What? Dad!” Kevin protested as the family moved through the crowd. Kevin ignored the whispers and pointed fingers in favor of wheedling his parents into relenting.
He didn’t booby trap a castle for this!