Chapter Text
I’d move on, and probably forget about you.
But I wouldn’t forget about you.
*
They had spoken after that conversation, but that was the one that stood at the forefront of her mind whenever she thought of him. More than the emotionally charged words they had shared within Jax’s subconscious. They had cried and held each other even tighter than they ever had before; yet, that wasn’t enough to save him. All the tears they shed meant nothing. Over emotional, that’s what Jax would have called it. He had made a strong impact on her, more than she originally thought.
He told her that she knew everything now, yet she really felt like there was so much she didn’t understand. Pomni still didn’t know when his birthday was, or if he preferred sweet or savory stuff better. Minuscule and mundane details, but they mattered to her. Especially when she’d watch him sleep, curled up alone in a pile of purple pillows lined with golden patchwork stars. Underneath the monochromatic tent they had built especially for him lay a version of the rabbit she had come to love, one who looked nothing like the being she once knew. The only sort of resemblance that he shared with the original Jax was the vague outline of jagged bunny ears atop his head.
She wanted to reach out and touch those floppy ears so badly, just to whisper sweet nothings into them, praying that they may help him in any way. But it was too dangerous, a bigger risk than before when she had reached out to him, finding her body stuck in a glitched stasis until after Caine had been resurrected.
Day after day she’d wait under the big top, the walls stitched together from shreds of soft fabrics that were meant to be calming to Jax’s rigid self. Inside the tent it was dark, with a few specks of soft lights filtering through the thinner patches of fabric. Pomni’s eyesight had quickly become accustomed to being in the dim space. The main light source was Jax himself, huddled up in the corner with the multiple sets of large neon eyes shut tightly in slumber. He appeared so peaceful, but melancholic. Perhaps she was projecting, assuming the tension in his body was sadness. How could he be happy when he’s all alone, sleeping all day and night, with no one to converse with?
She’d try to talk to him about anything that came to her mind, seating herself close to his large physique with her legs folded beneath herself. His bright eyes would occasionally peek open ever so slightly, as Pomni spoke about the adventures they’d had while he was stuck in there. He’d listen at first, with one eye after the other slowly blinking as if he was in a trance. The colors that radiated from him would bounce off the space enclosing his body, casting vivid light across the room. Every time he’d look at her, she thought he would finally do or say something, anything at all. Anything but the silence, the blankness creating distance between them. It was suffocating her, and everyday it grew harder and harder for her to pretend like everything was fine.
“We went to the beach today, but not the one we went to before. Someplace different.” Pomni said softly. She sat close by the curled mass made up of dozens of eyes. He was resting on his stomach, and he looked like a house pet atop his bed, the soft mattress made with care by everyone’s hands.
Pomni shifted her position, rolling her shoulders and folding her arms behind her. The tent was lacking in back support. “I think you would have liked it. There were more rocks than sand, and the water wasn’t crystal blue; it was duller, more realistic. I didn’t go swimming this time, but Caine made up a sundress for me to wear. It had flowy lace all over it, and I didn’t overheat at all.”
Silence.
“A-And there was a waterfall! Nothing huge, though. It was on the side of a tall dark rock, and there were plenty of tall trees. When the sun hit the leaves overhead just right, the ground cascaded with light that looked like crescent moons when you walked underneath the branches.” Her once confident voice began to break the longer she spoke.
When the slivers of sunlight had touched her hands at the beach, she wished Jax was there, his hand interlocked tightly with hers. Would the crescents have merged into a full moon if they had positioned their hands just right? She would never know.
“Are you listening to me at all?” She muttered, her legs drew close to her frame as she tucked her knees underneath her circular chin.
The plush pillows wrapped in uneven stitching underneath Jax shifted under his weight as he rolled over, turning his back to her without a single eye open. She could see him breathing, with his back inflating then exhaling soft breaths, but no noise came out; not one single pitch to remind her that Jax was in there somewhere.
Her teeth clamped down against her bottom lip. If it were possible, she could have drawn blood from how hard her grip had been. Her eyes were blurry with thick tears, her clenched jaw attempting in vain to stop them from coming. All she could do was muffle her sobs as tears flowed freely.
It hurt, every aspect of her digital husk of a being was in pain. “It’s not fair, you know…” Pomni wiped her leaking eyes with the back of her hand. “It’s not fair that you left me to deal with this alone. I know it’s selfish of me to say, especially when you’re hurting too, but it’s true.”
No response.
A sharp chuckle escaped her throat before she spoke. “Are you even still in there?”
The jagged ears atop his head twitched, but remained folded against the space that should be his head.
Her voice hitched as a shudder fluttered through her lips; she stood up abruptly, and on impulse, she dusted herself off despite there being nothing but sterile ground beneath her. Pomni cleared her throat, burning with shame for looking so pathetic around him. It was like he could turn around and begin poking fun at her for showing so much raw emotion in his presence. But right now, she wouldn’t have cared even if he insulted her to the highest degree; at least then she could hear his voice. She was scared, worried that one day, she would start to forget what his voice sounded like when he would call for her.
Pomni, Pompom, Pomni. . .
Any pitch would be fine, anything at all.
Her tears fell without prejudice, leaving thick trails down her pale cheeks. Pomni allowed herself to sniffle and sob softly, her fists curled underneath her damp lids. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so cruel. I just want you back with me so badly that I lashed out.” It was humiliating, feeling like an infant with no control over her emotions. She should be better than that, especially now.
She reached inside the pocket of her bloomer shorts, grabbing a small trinket. “Caine let me keep this today, it reminded me of you. I know that you hate it when the same old joke is repeated, but I like it.” Pomni gently stepped closer to Jax, standing in front of his rested face. His chin was perched upon a star shaped pillow that she had fetched from her bedroom a few days ago. Pomni liked to believe he recognized her scent, if that was even possible. On more days than not, his face would be curled against a deep red pillow that Pomni assumed was his favorite.
Pomni took a deep breath, calming her expression in an attempt to make herself appear more presentable to him. “It’s a rock, from the beach.” Pomni explained, holding the dark smoothened pebble between her fingers. “It’s in the shape of a rabbit, but like, a real one. A fat one, though. I found it in one of the streams under the waterfall.” Her small hand placed the rock on top of a pillow close to his face. “The cool water felt nice on my feet when I grabbed it, and the hem of my dress was damp. It all felt so real. Maybe we can go back together someday! I really hope we can, at least…”
“I’ll be back again tomorrow. I hope you’re having nice dreams in there.”
Pomni began walking towards the draped flowing fabric of the exit. She took one last look behind her, and said, “Oh, and I haven’t felt any sort of kicking yet. I just thought you’d want to know. See you.”
As soon as Pomni’s back was through the veiled opening of linens, the dark being covered with many eyes pulled the pebble underneath him; and a low moan that could have been mistaken for a sob gently filtered through the enclosed space, only for him to hear.
*
Days went by, then weeks, then months. By the time her stomach popped, it had swelled nearly to full term. She really had started to give up hope that Jax would ever reply to her.
Caine had given them the flexibility to change their clothing whenever they wanted now. Pomni hadn’t cared much about that until she had reached her third trimester, and her standard attire of a skin-tight leotard with puffed shorts had become unflattering on her rapidly changing physique. She began to wear more dresses after that, most of them matching the color palette of red and blue that was chosen for her from the moment she appeared in this place. However, there were some pale ones mixed within the primary colors in her closet. It was strange, she had grown so used to wearing the same standard thing every day. The annoyance of choosing what to wear each day was a feeling she hadn’t missed from her previous life.
Pomni closed her eyes and let her fingers dance across the wooden hangers to select for her. They stopped near the edge of the closet, and she pulled out a periwinkle tinted cotton dress lined with a row of buttons down the front. It had a high neck, with puffed sleeves and daisy embroidery all down the panels of the dress. The color reminded her of something Ragatha would wear. She slid the fabric over her body, flattening out the long skirt before gazing at herself in the golden full length mirror.
In such soft colors, she looked terribly out of place within the walls of her jester themed room. The paleness of the dress clashed terribly with the deep reds and blues of all corners of the space, the room itself conveying a regality that was probably how a toddler assumed a king would live. She had always enjoyed the opulent hanging chandelier in the middle of it all, the jewels dangling from it sparkled so beautifully when it was lit. Pomni had always wondered why there were children’s toys sprinkled throughout the corners of her room, but now at the very least, they’d be of use.
She turned to glance at her profile within the curved shape of the mirror, hoping to have a better look at her full abdomen. The size of her breasts hadn’t increased very much during her pregnancy, but they did have more of a full, rounded appearance to them. She fussed with her bangs that never properly sat flat against her browline, sighing until she shoved a pale blue jester cap atop her head. Pomni felt weird without something covering her scalp, like she wasn’t herself without the floppy fabric that bounced behind her.
As she pushed the dark wooden door of her bedroom open, she squinted at the bright lights above. Her gaze quickly shifted down towards the cherry flooring below her feet in order to avoid looking at the bright red X that was splattered crossed against Jax’s grinning expression across the hallway. If she looked at it for too long, reality would start to sink in that he wasn’t just sleeping behind his closed door, metaphorically dead to the world. Pomni could have easily drowned in her own sorrow if she contemplated the painful burden of loneliness for too long; she was worried enough already that she really would never see him again. His bright expression being crossed out like a mistake hurt her more than she cared to admit. She shook her head and curved her palm, shielding her eyes from the possibility of an existence without him.
In the beginning, Pomni had rattled the handle incessantly on his door, praying that it would jiggle loose and allow her to see what was inside. Jax kept her isolated from this part of himself, even though it seemed like their rooms had been randomly generated to match their odd circus bodies. She had mocked him for not allowing her to see inside his room, despite him being inside of hers so often. He’d grow irritable rather quickly if she teased him about it, so she would drop it. In a moment of weakness after his abstraction, she tried to enter his room without his hand there to push her away from the doorknob, but even then it had been locked tight. Perhaps it was for the best, not knowing what lay inside. Leaving everything untouched meant he’d have to come back eventually, right?
Back in the present, Ragatha was pacing up and down the hallway, pretending not to see Pomni right away as she focused her attention on one of the numerous paintings of abstract art. The pieces that were framed in light wood reminded Pomni of animated sequences from bowling alley screens. Strange, yet your eyes were mercilessly drawn to them.
It was hard to keep the secret from everyone, especially once the physical signs had become impossible to ignore. Everyone already had their suspicions about her and Jax, which meant the others could assume he was the other half of the mix. This left little room for awkward conversations, and Pomni was grateful for that. It was already hard enough without Jax here. If she had to speak of him in past tense, it would be too much to bear.
Pomni was never the type to enjoy being smothered, but she knew it was coming from a good place when Ragatha did it. She was like a worried older sister, wanting to hover whenever she could whilst understanding that Pomni was her own person. Ragatha really was just trying to help, even if Pomni didn’t express how much she did appreciate her efforts.
Her singular working eye darted from Pomni to the streaks of colors that were almost assaulting to the eyes lining the walls. The ragdolls’ posture was tight, and she was wearing an orange pinstripe version of her trademark attire. Her curled yarn hair was tied into a ponytail with a large bow at the back; it looked quite cute. She must be going to the softball field today.
“Hey Ragatha.” Pomni waved softly in her direction.
“Morning Pomni!” Ragatha turned her body to face the jester properly, with her stiff shoulders softening. “I just wanted to see if you were doing okay, and check if maybe you wanted to watch us play a game today?” Her floppy hand cupped her elbow as if she already knew Pomni’s answer.
Pomni had never been that big into sports, even when she was flesh and blood. Always too short and small for school teams, picked last every time they would split into groups for gym class. Even watching them on television when they’d be playing in restaurants across from her on blocky screens was a bore to her. But she sucked it up to be a good sport, acting supportive for her peers inside the circus to have fun. At least pregnancy was a good excuse not to play, but she’d still cheer in the safety of the aluminum stands, even if she wasn’t paying attention to who was winning.
“I think I’m going to stay behind today, and spend some time with Jax.” Pomni said, ignoring the clear disappointment spread across Ragatha’s sewn face.
“O-Oh, alright. I figured that.” Ragatha looked downcast, staring at the floor briefly. She shook her head to rid herself of anxiety. “But if you need me at all, just shout for Caine, and I’m sure he’ll deliver a message.” She offered Pomni the best assuring smile that she could, but her expression still looked a little pained.
“I will, don’t worry.”
They walked closely together down the hall, and Ragatha kept reaching out to help Pomni whenever the ground would be even the slightest bit uneven.
“Gangle’s getting really good, you know. She has a lot more confidence in her swings.” Ragatha spoke.
“Oh really? That’s good.” Pomni replied. To make Ragatha feel better, she took her plush hand in assistance.
They entered the main room lined with black and white tiles, and structures above their heads that looked like they should be in a fast food chain's play place. Immediately, Pomni’s attention was stolen by the fabrics of the circus tent that housed Jax. Ragatha was chattering about softball, but Pomni couldn’t bring herself to listen properly. All she wanted to do was see how her beloved rabbit was doing today.
“Oh, and Pomni?” Ragatha called.
“Huh?” Oh! Yeah? What’s up?” She looked up at the ragdoll, hoping that she wouldn’t question if she had been listening properly.
Ragatha’s expression softened as she tightly gripped Pomni's pale gloved hand, then said. “Be careful, alright?”
“I always am, don’t worry. Have fun today, for all of us.”
*
She waited until the others left through the shining glow of the portal that led them to the softball field before pushing open the fabric door of Jax’s tent.
The image in front of her was no different than the one she had become accustomed to. Although this time, his head was facing the entrance, and his eye twitched the closer she stepped towards him. She knelt down beside him, with a few inches to spare, seated on her bent knees.
“Hey…” Pomni muttered. “Are you awake today?” On instinct her hand reached out to him, but she stopped herself before making contact. Her fingers began to twitch, and a fuzzy sensation buzzed through her fingertips. The feeling stopped the further she pulled her arm away from him.
A few of Jax’s neon tinted eyes blinked open to stare directly at her, his chin resting atop a cushion. His jagged ears pointed upwards as his gaze fell to her stomach.
It was almost too painful to smile, but she forced herself to show the melancholic expression anyway. “Yeah, it’s getting close to that time. It would be really nice if you could be there for it, you know.” Pomni’s rested her hands atop the swell of her abdomen as she spoke, emphasizing the change in her physique.
She was getting desperate; her usual calm and collected demeanor was fading. Pomni wanted, no, needed him there. She missed his touch, his voice, even the feeling of when he used her as a post to lean upon. The little jester wanted to yell, and throw something at him until he would bark something profane back at her. But she knew that it wouldn’t help. She had already tried that before to no avail.
The eyes that had been staring at her were beginning to shut, his once perked ears falling back into place against his head. He was already going back to sleep, his body slumping as his eyes fluttered shut. Had she really become that boring to him now, to the point that he couldn’t keep his eyes open for a mere few minutes? What else could he be doing during the day that could exhaust him so much? No. That's selfish of her to think; she needed to be strong for him, to give him a reason to come back to her.
“H-Hey! Don’t fall asleep now, please.” Pomni’s gaze scurried across the tent, desperate to find anything to talk about, her window of opportunity closing rapidly. Until something crossed her mind, something she hadn’t tried yet.
“Do you wanna see?” She asked the large being in front of her. “Come on, I think you’ll like it.”
Pomni’s fingers began undoing the smooth buttons at the hem of her dress, and Jax’s once closing irises began to widen at the sight presented to him.
“Thought that would get your attention.” Pomni said. The buttons atop her stomach had been lifted. The swell of her white abdomen on full display for him, as well as her lavender tinted underwear. A color she had recently been picking out more for… no particular reason at all. She stroked her belly, turning slightly to the side to show him. “Impressive, isn’t it?”
Jax’s maw slowly nodded, and he twitched upwards towards her bust area in a shake.
Her cheeks were flushed; it was a sensation she had almost forgotten, the feeling of being wanted so dearly by another person. “Oh, you wanna see more?” She questioned, her hands already fussing with the buttonholes.
Another nod came, just one in a quick jolt. More eyes of his opened as the of popped buttons increased.
The final fastener came undone by Pomni’s eager hands, and she pushed the fabric off of her frame eagerly, allowing him to gawk upon her near-naked figure. The puffed sleeves of her dress remained on, but her bare chest and stomach were completely exposed for him to see.
This was the most interest he had shown her in ages. It was such a pleasurable feeling, to know that he did find her appealing after all. Pomni took the rounded peaks of her breasts into her hands, pushing them together. Her dark pink nipples were stiff with excitement, pleased that Jax had given her his complete and undivided attention. “They’ve grown a little bit, see? I still think I’m pretty flat chested, all things considered though.”
Jax’s frame leaned forward, and his lumpy body inched its way outside of the nest of pillows where he spent most of his time. The glow from his eyes reflected off the pale skin of Pomni’s body, and her own gaze was in a trance; even like this, she found him beautiful in an abnormal way. No matter what shape he took, she would always find Jax pretty. She was drawn to the bright pinks and oranges most of all, they reminded her of colorful carnival prizes she had desperately wanted as a child, but never had the skill to obtain.
Her breathing hitched, and her frail arms opened for him to slither into her. He moved slowly, as if it took everything out of him to move even the tiniest amount. His face was growing closer to her stomach, and Pomni’s body was vibrating. She wanted to cry, but she didn’t want to scare him, not when he was so close to touching her for the first time in what felt like generations.
She was so happy, her voice called out to him in soft chuckles. “That’s it, I’m here, I’m right here Jax.”
Everything was going so well, she had what she craved most right within her grasp. He was almost there; the tip of his facial area was radiating off her stomach with a beautiful array of colors. Suddenly, a whisper of fear crawled up her spine as she realized that the vibration of what she thought was love was actually pain, her body was glitching slightly from Jax moving too close.
Pomni’s feet scurried against the ground as she pushed herself away from him. She was scared; Not of him, she knew that he didn’t want to harm her. Pomni was frightened of the uncomfortable buzzing hurting the unborn child inside of her.
“I’m sorry…” Pomni cried, hiding her leaky eyes with her fisted hands as the tears began to fall.
Jax kept inching towards her, and one of his perked ears curled with confusion, unsure why she had suddenly moved away from him.
“Stop, don’t make this harder! I want to touch you, and feel you. But I’m scared something will happen if I do. I’m sorry, please don’t hate me.” She choked out, heartbroken at the reality that she couldn’t have what she wanted most.
He was basically outside of his cushioned nest by that point, his stomach flat on the ground and the expression across his eyes clouded with sorrow. Pomni couldn’t recall the last time she had seen his body like this, sprawled open instead of twisted up against himself, like a bunny in its burrow. It was then that she noticed something, and it shot a bolt of panic right into her heart.
A fear of hers was coming true, and she prayed that her eyes were merely playing a spiteful trick on her exhausted mind. The further Jax leaned forward, the more she was able to see his malleable frame. His body had been growing smaller as the months rolled by, but it was much more noticeable than before. His stature used to engulf the pillow covered floor, but more and more of the plush fabrics underneath him had become exposed as time went on. As his frame lay at the edge of his nest, Pomni could see that he had been resting on the trinkets she had brought for him from her adventures like a magpie. She hadn’t realized that he kept them all; he must have been always sitting on them to keep them safe.
“Oh god…” Pomni gasped within her clutched palm. “Is that why you’re so tired all the time? Does your body hurt from how small you’re getting?”
His once wide eyes that had been full of Pomni’s body began to close. Jax’s chin collapsed onto the tiled floor beneath him, not caring about the unpleasant feeling of the hard ground.
“Jax?” She called out to him. “Please don’t go, don’t shrink yourself into something I can’t see anymore. Don’t go to a place where I can’t find you. Please.”
All that remained of his gaze were thin slits of color behind his closed eyes. His form reverberated with deep, full breaths, his back arching with every one he took.
“Can we stop playing this game?” Pomni chuckled, “I’m getting really sick of it.”
Their session had concluded before it had properly begun, and Pomni understood that she wasn’t going to get much more from him today. Perhaps she really should have gone to the softball field, she would have been bored, but boredom was more tolerable than the despair banging harshly against her chest.
She swiftly redid the buttons of her cotton dress, not caring if she did in fact miss a few holes in the process. She exhaled with a groan, winded by the pressure building in her knees from lifting her full frame off the ground. She couldn’t bring herself to look at the person who had done this to her in the first place, feeling nothing but defeat as she prepared to leave. Once she was outside, she buried her fists deep within her darkened eye sockets. She refused to let the tears fall down her cheeks, instead forcing them to stay hidden within her dampened eyelashes.
“I just want to be with you again.” She muttered. If only Jax could hear her desperate plea from outside.
*
I thought I’d never see him again, but one day, he came home.
Pomni had been carrying a polished metal tray containing the breakfast that she had prepared for the two of them. Two eggs and a slice of bacon, twisted to form a smiley face. She knew he probably wouldn’t eat anything, but maybe he would find the food in the shape of a face somewhat entertaining.
She carefully jumped over the small barrier of pillows by the entrance way, gracefully keeping the tray balanced in both of her hands.
“Morning Jax, how are you feeling today—“
The grip Pomni had against the tray dropped; the porcelain of the multi-colored plate and the matching mugs she had picked out specifically for the two of them shattered as they hit the ground. Her heart rate increased so rapidly that she began to break a sweat, the bead trailing down her forehead in record speed.
An image she had only dreamed of lay in front of her, but she couldn’t believe it. Was this some sort of cruel joke that Caine was playing on her for an emotional distress type of adventure? No, he wouldn’t be that heartless, even if he had never known the sensation of having a beating heart of his own.
There he was, the rabbit that held her deepest affections; his purple ears stood completely straight, and his frame was covered with a striped blanket she had fetched from her room ages ago. His fur appeared matted, but other than that, it was him. He sat in the center of the pillows piled high with different shapes and sizes, with his legs bent over themselves. Jax was looking at the collection of objects Pomni had brought him over the months, twirling them within his gloved hands with amusement. The black inked pen with a plum tinted pompom on the top of it held his attention; she had obtained it when they had pretended to be office workers. She was the receptionist that day, and it was as dull as one could imagine.
“Jax?” Pomni whispered as she cautiously stepped closer to him.
He turned to her, and the thin blanket that was around his oval shaped face fell across his bare shoulders. “Oh, hey Pomni.” Jax spoke so casually. After everything, that really would be what he would say, huh? Acting as if nothing had happened.
A hot stream of tears ran down her pink stamped cheeks. She had grown so tired of crying, but she couldn’t help herself. Especially now.
Pomni ran as fast as her body would allow, desperate to be near the nest of cushions that contained her rabbit. “Is it really you?” She asked, her hands shaking against the pillows.
Jax avoided the gaze of her tear stained eyes, glancing back at his pile of trinkets. “Did you really have to only bring me things that were bunny themed in some sort of way?”
“Well, yeah… It’s one of my favorite things about you. I’ve told you that before.” Her cheeks puffed, filling with air. It really was him.
A short laugh fell from his lips. “You really aren’t original at all, are you—“
Warmth. It hit Pomni immediately as her arms wrapped themselves around him for the first time in forever. She could sense his breathing, and the rapid pulse growing within his chest. He hesitated holding her back, but ultimately accepted her embrace. Jax burrowed his face within the scalp of her head as he exhaled a shuddering sigh.
“Don’t ever leave me again!” Pomni shouted, her balled fists lightly hitting the front of his chest, whack after whack.
Jax kept his arms folded around her despite her movements. She could feel a stain of tears at the top of her head, and muffled sobs exhaling against her hair. Pomni ceased her violent impulses to wrap her arms around him in a tight embrace, pulling them together as closely as she could, even with the swell of her stomach separating them.
“You look really pretty.” Jax mumbled against her scalp, his words almost inaudible.
“You look really pretty too, you know.”