Archive of Our Own

Softly, Gerard pads next door into Mikey's office. Sliding into the padded desk chair, he lifts the lid of Mikey's laptop. He's sure that Mikey won't mind. He's only gonna do a bit of quick research, and he's not moving anything.

Yawning lightly, due to this project taking up so much of his waking hours, Gerard opens up a new browser. He flexes his fingers and goes to type in 'Rembrandt', but he's only typed in the 'r' when he freezes. One of the URL suggestions is a site called Rape Fantasies. He'd have carried on, thinking it spam Mikey accidentally clicked on, if it wasn't for the icon next to the URL that shows it's a favorite site.

He has no idea what to do. Part of him just wants to close everything and forget, but there's a bigger part of him that *needs* to look. Needs to understand.

With slightly shaking fingers, he presses the enter key and watches as the site loads. There's so much there, he isn't sure where to start, but the boards catch his eye. In particular, there's one post that he thinks Mikey may have actually written. He reads it, unease clawing at his stomach as he tries to wrestle with his emotions.

Swallowing around a suddenly dry throat, Gerard reads it again. Fuck, it has to be written by Mikey. He just knows it.

Chewing at his lip, he reads it a third time before closing everything and leaving Mikey's office. He curls up on their bed, uncaring about the semi-fresh paint on his work clothes, and nuzzles into Mikey's pillow as he works everything over in his head.

Hell, the main thing isn't even that Mikey wants it. It's the fact that he didn't say anything. Gerard likes to think he's pretty fucking open minded. He wouldn't have said anything about it.

Mikey's had a good day. In fact, it's been so good he thinks he might call it a night, even though it's technically only afternoon. So Mikey pulls out his phone and sends Gee a text, letting him know he'll be home in time for a late lunch and asking if he wants anything special from Starbucks. Other than the usual, of course.

Gerard's still laying there, thinking about what he's read, when his phone goes off on the nightstand. Picking it up, he sees that it's a text from Mikey, and despite everything, he smiles. Mikey's so considerate. He texts back his reply and it's only when he slides his phone back on the nightstand that he remembers what he read on Mikey's computer.

He's so gonna need to talk to Mikey.

Mikey picks up two coffees for each of them from Starbucks. He smiles through the whole drive home, pleased with his productiveness today and looking forward to an afternoon and evening with his brother. Gee's probably made some progress on his latest comic, and after they take a look at that, they can spend a few hours watching horror movies together. That always makes for a good night.

"Gee, I'm home," he calls, shouldering the door closed behind him. He kicks off his shoes and locks the door, then heads to the kitchen, taking the coffees out of their holder and setting them on the counter. Mikey wants to start drinking his, but decides to wait for Gee instead. He does that most of the time, except when he's had a really bad day. Today was not one of those bad days, so his patience is in good standing.

Carefully, Gerard untangles himself from their bed and wanders into the kitchen, following the scent of warm coffee. He smiles gratefully as he takes his own cup of coffee. He tries not to let it show on his face, but his mind is in overdrive thinking about everything and wondering how to talk to Mikey about it.

Mikey raises an eyebrow when Gee comes out with tousled hair and new smears of dried paint on his clothes. Gee's been putting a lot of work into the latest installment of his superhero comic, to the point where he hasn't been sleeping much. From the rumpled look of him, Mikey would guess that he finally passed out this morning, but there are still dark circles under his eyes. Those will take time to go away.

"Hey, sleepyhead," he murmurs fondly, giving Gee a peck on the cheek. "Umbrella University still kicking your ass?"

Chuckling, Gerard shakes his head. "No, I think I've gotten somewhere with it now." He pauses and takes a sip of coffee before adding, "I'm thinking of changing the title, though. It doesn't have the impact that I'm looking for."

"Yeah?" Mikey smiles brightly. This is a good sign. It means that Gee's making progress with his comic, not just the concept, but with the details too. It means the comic is becoming more concrete in Gee's mind, and that's going to make it easier to continue. "You have any ideas yet, or do you just know it's not right?"

"I have a couple of ideas, but nothing concrete yet. I'm focusing more on the characters for now. The rest will come soon." Gerard slides his hand into Mikey's and squeezes lightly. "You're home early, though. Everything okay at work?"

Mikey smiles as he squeezes Gee's hand back. It's a confused smile, because he comes home early all the time and it never means anything's wrong. If anything, coming home early is a sign that things are going well.

"Um, yeah, everything's good," Mikey says, raising an eyebrow to show his confusion. "I think the question is, is everything okay with *you*?"

"Huh? Why wouldn't it be?" Gerard chews at his bottom lip and hums nervously.

Yeah, something's definitely up with Gee. The vague denial is all the evidence Mikey needs.

"Because I come home from work early all the time, and it's a good thing?" Mikey tugs Gee over to the kitchen table, sitting him down in one of the chairs and then sitting down across from him, still holding his hand. "What's going on? You wanna talk about it?"

"Oh, yeah. I guess I forgot?" Rubbing nervously at his neck, Gerard sighs and looks at the table surface. "I- we tell each other everything, don't we?"

Mikey pauses thoughtfully before answering. Yeah, he and Gee pretty much tell each other everything... mostly. There are a few things he keeps to himself, but he's sure there are things Gee keeps to himself, too. It's only natural that they would have some secrets from one another.

"Yeah, for the most part," he agrees, nodding. Mikey takes Gee's hand in between both of his, stroking the back of it with his thumb. "You don't *have* to tell me everything, but if there's something you wanna talk about, you know you can tell me anything. I love you no matter what." Mikey's trying not to get worried. He just can't think of anything Gee might not be able to tell him about.

Taking a deep breath Gerard nods, he could totally use that as an out but he can't. If he doesn't talk to Mikey about it, it'll just fester inside him. Hell, he owes it to Mikey too, he should be able to tell him what he wants in their relationship and at least talk about it.

"I just- I accidentally. I went onto your laptop and was gonna do a little research." He licks his lips trying to quell the sick feeling in his stomach, "I was typing in an artists name and one of your favorite sites came up as a suggestion."

"Okay." Mikey's definitely a little worried now - worried that this is about something Gee found out about him, not something about Gee. He's trying to think of what favorite sites he has that Gee would be upset about, but he's at a loss. What site would upset Gee like this? "Which site?"

"Rape fantasies." Gerard glances up and squeezes Mikey's hands, his eyes wide. "I- it's not the site, it's just... why didn't you tell me?"

Gerard doesn't want Mikey to feel ashamed or embarrassed and he really doesn't want him to think that he is judging him. He just wants to know why Mikey didn't tell him.

"Oh." Mikey goes bright red, or at least he thinks he does, and that's something that rarely, if ever, happens to him. But... the rape site. Yeah. Yeah, he can see how that would freak Gee out. Which is precisely the reason he never told Gee about it.

Mikey clears his throat, shakes his head. He wants to pull his hands away from Gee, maybe go hide, because fuck yeah, it's embarrassing. But he doesn't get any further than pulling his hands halfway out of Gee's, only to leave them there, his shoulders sloping defeatedly and his palms sweating in Gee's hands.

"C'mon, Gee. Why do you think?"

Gerard frowns and moves closer to Mikey. "Dude, no. Don't, I just wish you'd told me that's all. We could talk about it, fuck we should talk about it."

"Oh. Great." Mikey rolls his eyes. He's still fucking blushing. He *hates* blushing. "Fine. Let's talk about it. What do you want to talk about?"

"Just tell me about it Mikes, like how long have you thought about it?" Gerard takes a long swallow of coffee, only slightly wishing he had something stronger.

"Fuck, I don't know. Why does it matter? It's just a random kink, we all have them. I'm sure you have some too."

"Okay. Okay fine." Gerard's lips twitch into a small grin. "Maybe I do have a few random kinks. How about you tell me about yours, and I'll tell you one of mine?"

Mikey takes his hands out of Gee's so he can cross his arms over his chest. So far, he's managed to keep a handle on his emotions about this. He's managed to stay detached. He really, really doesn't want to hear about Gee's kinks. Not now. He just wants to walk away from this conversation and pretend it never happened.

"Alright," he says, smirking. "You already know one of mine, so it's your turn. Go."

Gerard shrugs and shifts to get more comfortable in the chair. "Okay, so... I like to draw and paint on people." He licks his lips and takes another long swallow of coffee, his gaze firmly rooted to the wall.

Mikey laughs despite himself. "Wow, I'm so surprised," he says, teasing, but in a kind way. He's not sure Gee was trying to make him laugh, but he feels better now that he is.

Gerard chuckles and pokes Mikey with his foot. "Hey, I didn't laugh at your kink."

Gee's words sober Mikey a little, even though he knows Gee is just teasing. He takes a deep breath and looks down at his crossed arms, resolving to respond in a respectful, if not emotional, way.

"I know," he says sincerely. He appreciates that Gee didn't laugh at his kink, he really does. Looking up, Mikey continues, "I wasn't laughing at your kink, I was laughing at the way you said it like it was something that would come as a big surprise to me. It's not exactly on the same level as the kink you found out about about me."

Gerard smiles sadly as he lifts Mikey's hand to his lips and presses a kiss to the knuckles. "I know you weren't laughing at me, don't worry." He presses another kiss to the soft skin before shrugging. "And maybe it's not on the same level to you, but to me it is. I've only told one other person about it, and they laughed in my face. After calling me a freak." He sighs and grabs Mikey's other hand. "My point is, we've both got something we've worried about but now we know. Now we can talk about it together."

Mikey lets Gee hold his hands, but his own hold on Gee's hands is loose and unconvincing. He still doesn't want to talk about this, no matter what Gee says.

"Look, Gee, if you want to talk about your thing, that's fine. We can talk about it. But I don't *want* to talk about my thing, okay? Maybe you think it would be good, or therapeutic, or whatever, but it's just a kink, and it's one I try not to think about. That's it. So just - leave it alone, okay? It's not what I want to talk about over the dinner table, or anywhere for that matter. Just let it go. It doesn't have anything to do with you."

Gerard blinks and lets go of Mikey's hands before getting up stiffly and moving away from the table. He stops in the doorway and whispers over his shoulder, "Oh, okay. Nothing to do with me, fine. I just wanted you to know you weren't alone and that I was willing to share. If you need me, I'll be in my studio."

He walks off quickly, slamming the door to his studio behind him.

Okay, now Mikey's really confused. He can see Gee being disappointed that he doesn't want to talk about it, but storming off like that? Really? What's his problem?

"Gee?" Mikey hesitates a second before getting up to follow Gee to his studio. He's probably going to *have* to talk about it now, and he's probably going to regret it, but he'd regret it more if he just let Gee walk away from him like that and not do anything. He waits until he's in the doorway of Gee's studio to say anything more, not wanting to give Gee a chance to pretend he didn't hear him or walk away again. "What's wrong? What are you so upset about? Talk to me, Gee, okay?"

By the time Mikey's talking to him, Gerard's already placed a new canvas on his easel and started work. It's easier to take everything out on a canvas or notebook. It gives him a strange clarity about what he's feeling and lets him work through it safely.

For now he ignores Mikey, taking a deep breath as he keeps painting. He doesn't try to paint something specific, just lets himself go.

Mikey sighs. "Really, Gee? You say you want to talk, and then when I come to talk to you, you ignore me? Real fucking mature."

Gritting his teeth, Gerard throws his paintbrush down and turns. "I don't know why it's bothering you, you didn't *want* to talk about it. Fuck, you said it didn't have anything to do with me. So what, I didn't want to stick around after being told that."

"Gee?"

Mikey's voice is a little smaller than before. In some ways, he feels like a little kid, tentative and ashamed after he's accidentally spilled soda on Gee's favorite comic, earning an angry lecture from his big brother. He honestly doesn't know what he's done wrong this time, but he does know that he wants to make it better. He doesn't want Gee to be mad at him. He wants everything to be okay.

Mikey pushes off from the door, stopping at Gee's chair to kneel by his side. It's really out of character for him - it's not something they do, not part of their sex life or anything else - but he's shaken by Gee's response and he's desperate for Gee to see that he's sorry, even if he doesn't know what he did wrong.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly, folding his hands submissively in his lap as he looks up at his big brother with open, honest eyes. It doesn't matter that he's a bigshot in the music scene and that there are hundreds, maybe thousands, of people who would go to him for advice or connections or gigs. Right here, right now, he's just Gee's little brother, desperate to please him and make him not be angry at him anymore. Gee's approval matters to him more than anyone else, and if he's honest with himself, that's a big part of the reason he never told Gee about this particular kink of his. He didn't want Gee to think he was a freak, even though he very clearly was, and still is. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

As much as he wants to sulk or scream at Mikey, Gerard can't bring himself to- especially when he's like this. That doesn't mean that he won't be told how much he hurt him. It just means he won't scream.

Gerard looks down at his own hands in his lap, the small desk easel beside him, forgotten. He remembers all the times Mikey's looked at him like this in the past, all those lost moments where all that mattered was each other.

"You said it was nothing to do with me," he repeats quietly.

Mikey swallows hard. "It's not. Not really," he says, ready to justify himself. Deep down, he knows he's lying, but he doesn't want to admit it. He doesn't want Gee to know that he features prominently in those particular fantasies. "It's my fantasy, not yours. It shouldn't affect you."

"Bullshit. It affects you so it affects me. I don't know why you're lying to me but please just fucking stop."

"I'm not lying!" Mikey protests in a voice that's a little more squeaky than he would have liked. He wrings his hands in his lap. "It doesn't even affect me, really, it's just something I think about sometimes. There's a ton of stuff that affects me more and I don't talk to you about it. Like, I don't know - when I eat too much sushi and then I have diarrhea all day. Do you want me to talk to you about that too? Because that affects me a hell of a lot more than having a rape fantasy every once in a while."

Gerard glares at Mikey, but nods. "Yeah, if you wanted to. Do you want to know why I asked though? I asked because I was scared you didn't trust me. I was fucking scared that you'd hide something that I could share with you for a reason bigger than being embarrassed."

He leaves the 'I was scared you didn't love me as much as I thought' unsaid.

Mikey frowns. "Of *course* I trust you, Gee. With my life and with all my heart. I trust you more than anything, more than anyone." Mikey reaches up to place his hands on Gee's thigh, the one nearest to him, and looks at him earnestly. "Why do you think me not telling you means I didn't trust you? Why is this different from anything else?"

Looking up at Mikey sadly, Gerard murmurs, "Because it's something that you've wanted but haven't told me about." He looks down again. "It's something you've wanted that I haven't given you."

Mikey blinks quickly a few times, taking that in. Is that what this is about? Gee thought he actually wanted it?

"It's not - what? Gee, it's not something that I actually wanted," he says, shaking his head. "It's not something I want you to give me. It's just a fantasy." Mikey clenches his fingers a little on Gee's thighs. "Just because I like to think about it doesn't mean I actually want it to happen. Is that what you thought? That I really wanted it for real?"

Nodding glumly again, Gerard fiddles with his paintbrush. He has no idea what the fuck's going on right now, he only wanted to be there for Mikey.

"I read what you'd written. At least I think you wrote it, it didn't have a name."

Mikey's blood goes fucking cold.

"You - you read what I wrote?" he asks weakly, his hands slipping from Gee's thigh and back into his own lap. "I - I thought you just found the website, I, you..." Mikey's going to be sick. Shit, he's written a lot of stuff about his fantasies. There are a million things Gee could have seen. "What... what did you read?"

"Something about wanting someone you couldn't have and fantasizing about them raping you, just so it wouldn't be your fault. You said that you were with him now and that just the thought of that fantasy could turn you on."

Gerard clears his throat and bites his lip, nerves taught and frayed as he watches his little brother. This is probably the worst thing he's done for a while, to Mikey anyway.

"Oh," Mikey says softly. It's all starting to make sense now. He remembers that post word for word, and okay. Yeah. That pretty conclusively proves that his fantasies *were* about Gee, and yeah. He was wrong. He lied about that. He just didn't think Gee *knew*.

Mikey stares down at his hands for a good long while as he replays that post in his head. A part of him wants to explain, to tell Gee why he thought those things in the first place, but Gee knows now, doesn't he? He knows the origin of Mikey's rape fantasies, and he knows that they were about him.

Maybe it's a good thing that that's the one Gee saw. It's the most telling, the most raw, of anything Mikey's written on the subject, but it gets to the core of his fantasies and where they came from. More importantly, it emphasizes how much he wants Gee, and how long he's wanted him for.

"It wasn't about you, you know," he says, his voice still soft as he looks up at his big brother. "I mean, it was, in a literal way, you know, I mean, I was fantasizing about you, specifically, but like - it wasn't about you, for real, as a person. I never *wanted* you to rape me. All I ever wanted was to be as close to you as I could, and it scared me. Those fantasies were the only way I could be with you without being the bad guy. And I knew you'd never do that, not for real, so you weren't the bad guy, either. I just... wanted you. I wanted you so much and I felt so fucking guilty about it. It was the only way I could have you, in my head."

Gerard's chest aches and his head aches from all the emotions running through him. Reaching down he pulls Mikey towards him, his knees on either side of his ribcage. Cupping his younger brother's face, he sighs, and presses a kiss to his lips. "I understand... I think. It helped you cope and I'm glad of that. But so you know, you could have told me. I wouldn't have freaked out, and whatever you wanted, I would give you."

"Okay," Mikey whispers, and kisses Gee back. For some reason, he doesn't feel the need to assert that he doesn't want Gee to give it to him... because who knows? Maybe it's something he'll come to want, now that he knows that Gee knows and doesn't have a problem with it.

There are all kinds of possibilities now. And now that he knows how Gee feels, maybe he *will* talk about it with him some more. Maybe let him know when it comes up, when the fantasy comes to him late one night when he's hard and aching to be taken by force. Maybe he can think about it in detail the way he used to, when he was a kid, before the reality of being with Gee made his fantasies little more than a vague video clip in his head to get him off.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," he says against Gee's lips. He's as sincere now as he was the first time he said it, but this time, he actually knows what he's talking about. He *is* sorry that he didn't tell Gee, if only because Gee would have wanted to know. "I didn't know it was something you'd want to hear about."

Gerard smiles against Mikey's lips. "Of course. Anything that turns you on, any fantasy you have I want to know about. I want to know you."

"You do know me... biblically," Mikey says, snickering. He grins against Gee's lips. Hell, he couldn't resist.

Laughing, Gerard wraps his legs around Mikey, dragging him as close as he can. "Yeah, I do. Feels like a long time, though. My comic's been taking all my time up."

"Well, you're an artist," Mikey says, smiling, and with no little amount of pride in his voice, too. "And we all have to make sacrifices for our art. Don't we," he murmurs, tilting his head up to kiss Gee more deeply.

"Mmm," Gerard hums happily against Mikey's lips. He kisses Mikey hard, needing to show him how much he loves him before pulling back.

Mikey smiles up at Gee. He's a little dazed from the kiss. "Mmm. Anything I can do to make your great sacrifices worth it?"

"Maybe something..." He chuckles and nips at Mikey's bottom lip.

"Maybe?" Mikey kisses Gee slowly, sucking Gee's lip into his mouth and running his tongue back and forth before pulling back to look at Gee, eyes sparkling. "You'll have to be more specific than that. Tell me what you want; it's yours."

Shaking his head, Gerard half-smiles and raises his eyebrow. "Oh no, we're gonna do something we both want."

Mikey laughs. "When I have I ever not wanted something you wanted?"

"There's always a first time, baby." Gerard leans forward to kiss Mikey again before adding, "But what do we want?"

"Honestly, Gee, I just want to make you feel good." Mikey doesn't waver in his gaze or his voice. "It's not any more complicated than that."

Gerard looks at Mikey tentatively as he tries to think of a way to tell Mikey how he feels.

"I think that it'd be good to give you something you've fantasized about, even if you didn't think about doing it." He takes a breath and strokes along Mikey's jaw with his thumb. "I just want to know more, maybe find out if there's something we can do together?" Quickly he adds, "But if you don't wanna talk about it then we can do something else."

It takes Mikey a second to catch on to what Gee is talking about, but when he does, his eyes widen. Yeah, he originally told Gee to back off when it came to talking about his rape fantasies, but now that they've talked about it a little, he's not so wary about discussing it. Plus, he knows what Gee saw, and well, he's a lot more confident that Gee's not going to freak out. Besides, he *did* agree to talk to Gee about in the future... so now's as good a time as any, right?

"Ohh..." Mikey takes a deep breath, chewing on his lip uncertainly for a moment before answering. "You mean you... is that something you actually wanna do?"

Shit, he'd never let himself consider the possibility that Gee might actually be into it. Mikey's old fantasies are starting to rise to the surface, and the same can be said of his cock. It's definitely showing a little interest. It's... confusing and weird, but Mikey's not really scared anymore. If anything, knowing that Gee wants to know more, maybe even try it, is more acceptance than he'd ever thought he could even hope for.

Honestly, Gerard's not sure at all, but he knows that he wants to make Mikey feel good and that he wants to know more. He shrugs, feeling nerves flutter in his stomach. "I don't know. I think so. I just- what would you want?"

Mikey licks his lips. His mouth is kind of dry right now, thinking about the fact that not only is Gee okay with his rape fantasies, but that he might also want to do it with him too. Mikey never thought that was a possibility. His mind is kind of in a whirl.

"Well... I mean, it wouldn't be forced, not for real, anyway. We'd just be pretending. I know that goes without saying but I just... wanted to say it. I wouldn't want you to do something when I honestly didn't want to, so..." Mikey swallows. "Do you know, um. You've heard of safe words, right?"

"Yeah, of course." He may not have a kink like Mikey's, but that doesn't mean he hasn't been around. Fuck, he went to college.

"Okay. Good." Mikey takes a deep, steadying breath. "So, it's something we would plan out, I guess, and know what we were going to do ahead of time. I'd need a safe word because um, you know, since the whole idea is that you're supposedly forcing me, I'd have to, like, fight back and stuff, tell you to stop. So we'd need a way to know for sure if I really needed to stop." Mikey swallows hard. "Do you think you could do that? Do things to me even if I was fighting back and telling you to stop?"

Gerard chews at his lip as he looks at Mikey uncertainly. "Would you like it?"

He watches Mikey closely. His answer's really important, because he can't do this if Mikey has doubts.

"That's why we'd have to plan it out first; I don't know," Mikey says honestly. "I've never done anything like it before. That's the only way we'd be able to find out."

Not the answer Gerard was hoping for. "Do you want me to do this to you? And do you trust me?"

"Of course I trust you," Mikey says, resting his hands on Gee's thighs. "You know I do. And I think I want to try, I just can't promise that I'll like it as much for real as I do in my fantasies. I don't want to promise you something I'm not sure of."

Sighing, Gerard presses a kiss to the palm of Mikey's hand. "I know. I just I need to know that you want this if I'm gonna try it. It's important to me."

"I know," Mikey murmurs. "That's why I want to try."

Gerard takes in the soft expression on Mikey's face, the lines around his eyes and the glimmer of trust. After a few moments, he hums and nods. "Okay. I'll try."

"Cool," Mikey says with a sigh of relief. He doesn't want to turn Gee off from the idea of trying this. He's not quite ready to try it right this moment, though, so he smiles sheepishly as he looks up at Gee. "Think we could try it another time though? Right now I just really wanna go down on you," he adds with a grin.

Gerard smiles lightly as he runs his thumb over Mikey's lips. "You won't hear me complaining, Mikes." Cupping his brother's cheek, he raises his face to press a long kiss to his lips. Truthfully, he's kinda glad Mikey doesn't wanna do it right now. This will give him time to get used to it and maybe do some research. He wants to do this right for Mikey.

"Yeah," Mikey agrees, smirking a little. He gives a pretty damn good blowjob, and Gee always loves getting one from him. "I know." Mikey leans back enough that he can get at Gee's belt, his eyes lighting up in anticipation as he starts to undo the buckle. He's already drooling thinking about sucking Gee off. "Let's get started, shall we?"