Chapter Text
He looks so beautiful under the moonlight, it's full up in the sky shining down just for them. The radiance of it casts soft shadows on Shane's profile, the straight slope of his nose and the curves of his lips beautifully backlit. The light of it carving the muscle's on his chest and shoulders in a way that makes Ilya feel dizzy, he looks like a dream. Ilya gets a sudden fear that he might be, he feels the urge to reach out and touch him but he doesn't want to disturb the water what surrounds them and break the moment. He wants to take in as much of this sight as possible. Shane is looking up at the sky, seemingly unaware of Ilya's gaze that is dragging all over him. God, he's gorgeous. The sight of him under this atmosphere renders Ilya speechless, and even though he wants to, he doesn't believe he could find the appropriate words in the English language to describe what he is feeling. His brain is coming up with words but once they make their way down to his mouth, they seem insufficient. He knows he could find the right thing to say in Russian but Shane wouldn't even understand it. His brain is still going and his body is reacting against his will, his mouth feels like moving out of his own accord and lets out out one word in his mother tongue, it spills out before Ilya can swallow it back "любимый" It was said so softly, just above a whisper and he hopes Shane didn't hear it.
Suddenly feeling exposed, Ilya moves his gaze away from Shane to look up at the moon for a moment, he's letting the feeling pass to wait for a sign or a lack of one that will let him know that Shane had in fact not heard him. After a few moments, he turns his head down and to his side to set his eyes back on Shane but to Ilya's surprise, he was met by two brown eyes already staring back at him, intently. How he loves those brown eyes, they seemed to be trying to tell him something and Ilya wants to know it, but can't make out the words, so he tries with his mouth 'What is it, Shanya?' but the words don't come out, his mouth didn't move, he feels pinned down by Shane's gaze, unable to move at all. So he does what he feels he can do, unlocking his gaze from Shane's and dropping his own to his lips, willing them to speak to him. And his wish comes instantly, Shane's lips part and begin to move but, it's- what is that? He's speaking but Ilya can't hear him, there's no sound to the words forming on his mouth, Ilya can only feel the vibration of them reaching Ilya's ears and making their way into his head. He can't decipher the message, they're just buzzing around in his head. 'Please Shane, speak to me' he tries, but Shane doesn't seem to hear him. This is a nightmare.
Ilya squeezes his eyes shut and opens them to a landscape of white that stretches out to meet four walls, he searches around trying to escape the buzzing in his head, it's still there. His eyes move, a desk, a chair, his leather jacket draped over it. He's in his dorm, in bed, his cellphone right under his pillow vibrating with an insistent call. He sits up and reaches for it, drags his thumb across the screen in one quick movement to answer.
"Who is this?" he greeted with evident annoyance in his tone, having been suddenly pulled out of his slumber
A deep voice cut through the sound of his frustration "And so he answers!" it lands heavy from the other end of the line
Ilya straightened up in in a pavlovian response to the familiar but apathetic voice, "Отец" he addressed the man in the formal rather that the usual 'Папа'. He suddenly feela the urge to apologize for his greeting "Sorry papa, I was sleeping and picked up in hurry"
An exasperated sigh, "Sleeping until noon. Always so lazy, Ilya"
Ilya couldn't counter that so he just remained silent
"You will come this weekend, yes? Katya wants to meet you" Ilya responded a simple 'yes', it was not a question
'Yes?' Grigori asks as if Ilya would ever say no to a demand for his attendance to one of his father's events, even if Grigori didn't give a shit about his presence. These events are always about appearances and Ilya knew to play his part, his trust fund depended on it. And even though he dreaded the occasion, he would have to endure. The occasion being his father's engagement announcement to the woman he was seeing since him and Ilya's mother still wore their wedding bands.
"I will be there oтец" Ilya confirmed, finally
The line went silent.
Ilya dropped his phone on the bed and laid back down, and draped an arm over his eyes to shield them from the light coming through his dorm window, it must be 10:00 a.m. at least but he wanted to go back to his dream, he still needed to know what Shane was trying to say to him. Although he already knew what Shane was saying, because he already had, last summer. He was dreaming of a memory, it haunted Ilya's dreams, literally. Ilya knew he should be over this by now. He would already be over it if it had been anybody else, but it was Shane.
Shane and Ilya had grown up together, their mothers had met at a gala when they they were just babies and had become inseparable. Irina considered Yuna her soulmate and to everybody that knew them, it was clear that the feeling was mutual. She loved Yuna so very dearly, and she was the only person she could trust to look after her Ilyusha after she was gone. Yuna honored her dear friend's request to the best of her abilities.
Ilya was very fond of Yuna, she was the closest thing to his mother that he had left in this world. Although he felt sorry for having tried to push her away over and over when it happened. Ilya was aware of his proneness to self destruction but back then, he was too young and and felt so broken, he didn’t want to let anybody close enough to see the cracks, not even Yuna, especially not her Shane. Her beautiful boy Shane that Ilya loved so much and didn't know what to do about it. The Hollanders were the only ones who acknowledged what had actually happened to his mother.
”It was an aneurysm” Grigori had announced.
So, yeah. All of this could be easier if Shane was just a regular person but he was far from that, he was deeply imbedded into who Ilya was as a person, he had been there through everything, everything up until he was twelve rather, or just the good parts, Ilya preferred to believe. He would never dare to associate Shane to the ugly side of him.
It was this separation that he tried to keep between Shane and his despair and recklessness and all things ugly that had caused the ocean of distance that stretched between them now. Metaphorically, of course. Because they both attended Yale and he ran into him every other day.
It would all be easier if he were just anyone else.
Ilya had to get out of this room, it echoed with his father’s voice, bouncing off the four walls, his bed was swallowing him with memories of a summer’s past. Thankfully, he thought, he was still wearing last night’s clothes so he just had to put his shoes on and get going.
And so he did.
***
He made his way to one of the coffee carts that was situated right outside of his building. He ordered himself an americano and continued his stride directly into the garden that was on the other side of campus, right by the library. It was his favorite spot, for no specific reason.
Once he got to it, he plopped down, one arm stretched behind him to hold his weight up, one knee bent and the other stretched out, coffee cup held in his free hand. The breeze was nice and the sun was warm, it’s exactly what Ilya needed to shake the morning off. Thankfully he had brought his sunglasses so he could face up at the sky and just bask there for a moment, letting the warmth of the morning sun embrace him.
After a few moments, Ilya felt regulated again, he lowered his head, opened his eyes behind his shades and oh! Thank god for sunglasses because he needed to take in this view without anybody clocking him.
Following a straight line from Ilya’s gaze, all the way across the garden, nestled in thick tree, lay a beautifully built body, defined thighs crossed against each other, thank god for short shorts. Ilya’s gaze kept moving, his eyes landing on big hands flipping through a paperback. A little further up, that perfectly straight nose sitting right above a pair of plush lips, between rosy freckle dusted cheeks, under deep brown eyes and fuck, thank god for reading glasses.
Ilya wanted to go over and say hi, but when Shane said hi back, what else would he say? He had the excuse of his father’s upcoming party, he could use that, ‘are you coming to my papa’s party?’ of course he was, when had Shane’s parent’s ever missed out on a Rozanov event, and he always accompanied his parents. It would be a stupid question. He could ask if he was going to Cliff’s party tonight, Cliff was one of Ilya's close friends, he played lacrosse with JJ and wasn’t JJ Shane’s roommate? It wouldn’t be far fetched to assume he might go and ask him about it, although Ilya knew Shane never attended parties. And even though Shane was not a party person, Ilya would love to see him there. Maybe get close to him the the excuse of being a few drinks into the night, but Ilya would be sober, he would not dare approach Shane drunk, that would b—
"Ilya?"
The voice came from behind him, familiar and sweet. Ilya looked back and twisted his head up to find a pretty face looking down at him
"Hey um, I just— my mom asked me to ask you if uh— if you were coming, I mean going to the party? I know it’s your dad’s party but she said she wasn’t sure you would go since you had missed a few family events already. She just really wants to see you" Shane said to him
Had Ilya daydreamed so deep he didn't see Shane get up and come up towards him?
Ilya's lips parted, mouth feeling suddenly dry, Shane's thighs are right there in front of his face —pull it together! He composed himself, barely, and said "Yes, Shane tell your mama I will go, I know she misses me" he couldn’t help a smirk
Shane lightly rolled his eyes, the exact reaction Ilya expected to get out of him "Ok, cool" he said blankly taking a few steps backwards before turning on his heel to walk away from the garden
Ilya bit his lip to try and hold it in but it was useless, he just couldn't help himself, "You want to carpool with me? Want to be my date for the party?"
Shane didn't even look back "Nope, thank you" he said loud enough and kept walking
'Thank you' Ilya repeated in his head, Shane, always so polite, he smiled to himself
This had become the usual tone in conversation for them, if you could even call it that. Ilya had perfected a playful way of speaking to Shane. Casual, lighthearted and little bit cheeky, just enough to get a reaction out of him, not a bad one, that would be mortifying. But such encounters were rare
Their conversations before last summer didn’t require this level of effort from Ilya, although still some effort but it was in a very different way, he had been distant for some time and at moments; he had to admit, even rude. He really regretted that
Then, almost a year ago, something had shifted and Ilya had found himself opening up to Shane in a pocket in time that existed briefly after the 4th of July weekend at his summer house in the Hamptons. Ilya winced at the memory. It wasn’t Shane’s fault Ilya had been hurt by his words, he knew this. It was just facts and it was his own fault for pushing for something that was not there
Acknowledging that didn’t make it sting less though.
***
It was 8:00 p.m. and Ilya had just finished getting ready to drive out out to Cliff’s party, it was about a 40 minute drive from campus and he was glad his best friend and former paramour Svetlana was riding with him.
A knock came at the door just as he was putting on his jacket. He opened the door and was greeted by a warm smile from his beautiful friend.
”Let’s go Ilyusha, I want to get there before the girls do” she said while waving her hand in a hurrying motion
”You just want them to see you arrive in the Jag Sveta, I know this” he said grinning to her while making his way out into the hallway, gently pushing her with one hand over her stomach so he could close the door
“You offend me!” She put her hands over her heart in a dramatic motion as they walked down the hallways making their way to the parking lot
”Why didn’t you ride with them then, ah?” Ilya asked with a playful smile
”Because I didn’t want to leave my poor best friend to drive alone in the night” she made a pout at him then laughed as she was getting into the car, Ilya holding the door open for her
Ilya had nothing else to say so he just laughed and made his way around the convertible to get inside the passenger seat. He knew Sveta loved to be seen in his car, it was a 1956 Jaguar Roadster, a gift he had gotten for his 16th birthday and his most prized possession. She had mentioned how hot it was that he drove such a classic many times when they had tried the dating thing, before they realized they were too similar and their bond would have a better chance of lasting if they just remained friends.
They drove and listened to the radio, wind blowing in their hair. Ilya kept a silk scarf in the glove compartment for his friend so she wouldn’t ruin her curls when riding along with him, he loved how it made her look like an old movie star.
Svetlana complained the whole way there about how her mother had plans to set her up with a guy from Harvard, the son of a friend of her father. They were attending Grigori’s engagement party and that’s where the match was supposed to take place. So, she was already giving Ilya a detailed plan to rescue her from the situation and made him pinky promise he would intervene if she couldn’t get out of it herself.
They complained about the networking of it all in those kinds of parties but were thankful they had Cliff’s party right before it so at least they would have had some fun before the dull event that awaited them the next day at Ilya’s home.
They continued the rest of the ride in silence. Although the blowing wind, road sounds and singing radio were no louder than Ilya’s thoughts.
He couldn’t stop thinking back to his morning dream and his interaction with Shane in the garden. Ilya believed too much in coincidences and signs for his own good so he was trying really hard to not look too much into this. Svetlana had told him about the power of manifestation and how you could will some things into existence if you desired them enough, she had said something about ‘the thing you want, already belongs to you, it’ll just come at the right time’. Ilya held on to that, because, there had been nothing he wanted more than Shane. He thought, what if it was my dream that made him come up and talk to me? But then he remembered he only did because Yuna had asked him to.
Something similarly occurred last summer, just when he had thought they had it, it came crashing down with four words. Ilya had never been more confused but Svetlana reassured him that it was all timing, that he had to be patient, that it was written in the stars but that was before Ilya shared with her what Shane had told him and then, she wasn’t so sure anymore. She didn’t say anything else and just comforted him. She understood now why Ilya was so defeated, because, you couldn’t argue with Shane’s words, it was just what it was.
***
They parked out front and there were already a good amount of people there. He exited the car and went to open Svetlana’s door and he was already smiling because he had spotted her friends who began whistling and hyping her up as she stretched her arm dramatically for Ilya to help her out of the car. Ilya was already feeling in a better mood.
They had already made their way through the spacious house and reached the backyard where most of the party was happening when Ilya was already looking for someone to take home, he needed it to get out of his head. It always did the trick, and if he couldn’t find anybody that seemed worth it there was always trusty Mark just a text away, always available for Ilya. He sometimes felt bad about his relationship to Mark but he didn’t seem to care at all. He made sure to remind Ilya every time they were together.
So, he was a man with a plan for the night.
He went up to say hi to Cliff, they had been roommates during their first semester and remained good friends after Ilya got his private dorm. He was a great friend to Ilya, so great that Ilya could look past the fact that he was such a sports dude, which was not Ilya’s vibe at all. Cliff was part of the Yale Bulldogs lacrosse team and that’s exactly the crowd he was hanging out with right now.
As he made his way towards Cliff, he spotted JJ and no Shane in sight, which was not surprising but it was a relief to Ilya. It’s not like it was likely that he would show up simply because Ilya had thought of it. This whole manifestation thing had really messed with his head.
”Ilya, my man! Did you bring Svetlana with you?” Cliff got up and gave Ilya a side hug
”Yes, she’s over there with the girls” Ilya pointed towards his friend
“Let’s go, I wanna say hi to her” Cliff said already moving towards her direction and Ilya was glad Cliff didn’t try to keep him with his teammates for shots or anything.
They were both hanging out with Svetlana and her girlfriends, taking shots, dancing, having fun and Ilya was scanning the crowd for a potential companion for the night when his heart dropped to his stomach. It was him, all in black, hair slicked back and face flushed pink, probably due to the alcohol, Ilya noticed him take a sip from a drink. Since when does Shane drink? Was Ilya going crazy, did he actually manifest him or was he hallucinating him at this point?
Shane never attended to parties.
Ilya was staring over his drink when Shane caught his eye which felt like a slap that made Ilya turn his face to the side and pretend to be involved in his friends conversation. He was nodding along to whatever it is that they were talking about but he wasn’t listening at all, his head was too loud. Why is he even here? Who brought him? There's no way he came by himself. Ilya began scanning the crowd and he couldn't see him anymore. Where is he? he thought, maybe he'd left but hoped he didn't or maybe he was going crazy and hallucinated him. He kept searching the crowd when he spotted him again and he was, he was dancing? With a guy. Shane Hollander was dancing way too close with a guy. Absolutely not.
Ilya froze and felt a heaviness in his stomach, he couldn’t understand the feeling right then so he just ignored it. He tried to get back into his friends conversation, for real this time, but his eyes went back to him like magnets and he saw the same guy leaning over his ear to talk to him. Ilya was going to lose it. What is going on?
He moved to stand next to Cliff, nudged him and pointed towards the area where Shane was talking way too friendly to this guy, Ilya recognized him from Cliff’s lacrosse games. “Look who is here, I thought he didn’t do parties” Ilya said as nonchalant as possible.
”Ah shit, man, I can’t believe Eric got him to come. I didn’t think he would, Ilya. I would’ve told you” Cliff said apologetically
”Tell me what?” Ilya asked sharply “And who the fuck is Eric?”
”He’s in my team, man. The guys had been giving Eric shit about Hollzy for a while, I thought it was just a joke. JJ had told us Eric asked for Shane’s number and I thought it would be an unrequited thing because we thought Hollzy was not— you know? And Eric is” Cliff explained
“Yeah, I know” Ilya said a bit defeated
”Sorry, man” Cliff said at last and patted him in the back before turning back to the girls. He had nothing else to say.
Ilya couldn’t look away, he was trying to figure out if this was what it seemed. He felt a fire starting to warm up his chest, his eyes stung a bit, his throat felt like it was closing up and the words from Shane made their way from the depths of his memories where he had buried them and began to echo in his head “I’m not into guys”.
Ilya had to go to the bathroom because his stomach had started to twist and he felt like he was going to throw up. He was aware this was an exaggerated reaction and blamed it on the booze. He made his way and tried to ignore his thoughts. All this time? So he just wasn’t into me? What the hell was last summer then?
He made it to the bathroom, slammed the door and just leaned over the sink for a while. Tried to think of nothing, just let the feeling pass. He splashed his face with the cold water from the sink in an attempt to cool down metaphorically and literally because his face felt hot. A couple of minutes passed, he dried off the droplets that had lingered to his face and prepared to make his way back to the party.
He opened the door and—
“Shane”
”Are you okay?” Shane said with a bit of worry in his tone
Ilya just blinked and gave a quick nod
”Are you sure? You looked kinda sick”
Had Ilya walked right past him and didn’t notice?
”You are worried for me now?” Ilya said flatly with eyebrows raised
”I just wanted to check on you Ilya, that’s all”
Ilya said nothing, just stared
”Okay, I’ll leave you alone now” Shane turned around to walk down the hallway and back into the party
Ilya stepped out into the hallway and before he could just swallow it down “Yes, go back to your boyfriend, Shane”
Shane stopped for a moment
Ilya wanted to take it back, it came out in an attempt to get a reaction out of Shane, he was being stupid and he knew it
Shane didn’t fall for it, he just continued walking, made a turn into the backyard and was out of Ilya’s sight
Ilya leaned against the wall and squeezed his eyes shut, he felt so embarrassed, he hated the effect Shane had on him.
He stayed there for a couple of seconds and made his way back into the party. He was going to try to ignore Shane, and get back to his plan to find someone to take back home with him. Just ignore Shane. He walked towards the house bar to fix himself a glass of vodka. He was staring down at the clear liquid with eyes unfocused when he felt a pat on the back that snapped him back to reality.
“Hey, they just left, so..” it was Cliff
”What?” Ilya was confused for a second
“Hollzy and Eric, you don’t have to see them anymore” Cliff said with a shrug, reached over the bar to pull out a bottle of tequila and went back to the party.
Shane left, with his boyfriend, great.
***
It was a couple hours later and Ilya was a couple inches deep in one of Cliff’s friend’s cousin? Ilya couldn’t even remember. But she sounded like she was having a good time so Ilya kept moving at the pace that seemed to be doing it for her. He was trying to find the feeling, the sensation that would shut off his mind for a bit but it wasn’t coming to him.
Yes, his dick was hard and yes, it felt nice but it wasn’t reaching his brain so what was the point. He continued thrusting in the same way you pedal a bike to get to your end destination.
He really did want to feel something, that was the whole point of bringing someone home. This had never happened to him. He loved sex, he was great at it, he heard it all the time. So what was wrong?
He tried to concentrate, closed his eyes and immediately, like pressing play on a movie. The memory of those thick thighs and soft skin, those plush lips and— there it was, he felt the heat grow low in this stomach and he picked up the pace. Miss thing under him began to moan and Ilya couldn’t help but wonder what kind of noises would Shane make? Would he whimper, moan Ilya's name back to him? God, the thought of that almost sent him over the finish line. He kept seeing him in his head, Shane under him, moaning into his mouth saying his name over and over and over, clawing at his back, just Shane, Shane, Shane— that last one almost escaped his mouth.
He kept picturing him and thought he should feel bad for the other person in this bed but she seemed just fine, completely oblivious to the movie playing inside his head. He felt so close now so he brought his hand down to her clitoris and began to work his wrist to make her come quickly and ease his guilt. He would hate to waste a lady’s time.
He tried to hold off on his own orgasm until she had hers. She came with a wail and Ilya removed his hand to press down on her hips and chased his own orgasm to completion which came to him in about four thrusts thanks to the two syllable name that was hanging from his tongue.