Chapter Text
Pomni practically leapt onto the beach after their talk with Zooble. 6 pm tonight they would lay out their arguments for Caine returning and while the final outcome was unknown, they were at least moving in the right direction. Even if today it was a tie, Zooble promised they would revisit it in a few days.
Ragatha seemed in equally good spirits. They couldn’t wait to tell Kinger.
When they arrived, he was in his usual spot reading a book. Caine was a little ways off, in a deep sleep and wrapped up in a thin blanket.
That was okay. She didn’t want to get his hopes up just yet, but if by some chance a miracle happened, she couldn’t wait to see his expression.
Kinger gave them a small wave. He put a finger over where his mouth would be to indicate to keep quiet.
“We have a meeting with everyone tonight,” Pomni said, borderline whispering, “We’re gonna vote on your plan.”
“That’s wonderful,” Kinger said. Pomni and Ragatha sat down across from him. Pomni brought out a notebook.
“Let’s go through our arguments for why Caine should return to the circus,” she said. Kinger nodded.
“I think I should tell everyone… what I did to Caine,” he said, “How I locked him away. I want them to understand why I can’t walk away.” Pomni nodded.
“Are we sure we want everyone to know that?” Ragatha asked, in a hushed tone, “Not everyone in the circus… will really care.”
“I did tell Gangle,” Pomni said, “She was not super sympathetic.”
“Well I think everyone should know,” Kinger said, “It explains a lot about Caine.”
“I just think some people in the circus,” Ragatha's voice raised in pitch, “Might use it against Caine?”
Oh shoot. Ragatha had a really good point.
“Yeah, let’s keep sensitive information about Caine under wraps for now,” Pomni said.
“I know the others are mad,” Kinger said, “But do you really think they’d be cruel?”
Pomni and Ragatha looked at each other. Ragatha gave her an unsure glance. It made sense to just say Jax’s name. Pomni opened her mouth and Ragatha shook her head.
“Not everyone in the circus is coping as well as others,” Pomni said, vaguely. Kinger gave them a confused look. She understood now why Ragatha didn’t want to name Jax. If Jax ever wanted to open up, Kinger would be one of the best people to talk to. They shouldn’t burn that bridge.
“We won’t let anyone mess with Caine,” Ragatha promised.
“I’m trusting you both,” Kinger said, quietly. Pomni felt a weight on her shoulders. They didn’t just need to get Caine to the circus, they needed to make sure it went well.
“I won’t let you down,” she told him.
“We can tell people Caine has trauma from isolation without going into too much detail,” Ragatha suggested.
“I suppose so,” Kinger said. They brainstormed a few more reasons Caine should be allowed back at the circus as well as some counterpoints to some of what they thought the others might argue. Pomni thought they had a good starting place.
She looked behind Kinger at Caine still sound asleep. He usually slept in short bursts of thirty minutes here and there. But Ragatha and her had been here for over an hour. Kinger met her gaze.
“He’s having a rough day, I think,” he said, “Our talk didn’t go very well. I’ve just been letting him sleep.”
“What happened during your talk?” Ragatha asked, “If you don’t mind sharing?” Kinger sighed.
“I just- I don’t know what he wants from me,” he said, “I keep trying to reach out, and I keep stepping on landmines.” Ragatha nodded.
“You are kind of a reminder of what he went through,” Ragatha said gently, “Your presence is bound to bring up intense feelings for him. I wouldn’t necessarily say you’re doing anything wrong.”
“Do you think I should be here?” Kinger asked, “What if I’m just making things worse?”
“Caine needs you,” Pomni said, “You know him better than anyone. It’s probably good he gets mad at you, I mean he won’t get mad at anyone else.”
“I’m sorry Kinger,” Ragatha said, “I bet this is a lot to deal with. Please if you need anyone to talk to, we’re both here.” Pomni nodded in agreement. Kinger stole a glance at Caine.
“I just worry about him,” he said, choking up, “I just can’t tell if he’s getting better or not, and I can’t lose him.” Pomni’s own throat started closing up as visions of the recycling bin plagued her mind. He had to get better. He just had to.
“Caine is bound to have his ups and downs,” Ragatha said, “And we’ll be there for him if he does relapse.” She meant it as comfort, but a heavy silence hung in the air. Both Kinger and Pomni had been there for Caine’s worst moments.
“I don’t want anyone mentioning him not being ringmaster,” Kinger said, “Not right now. It’s not important enough.”
“Did you… find anything out about that?” Pomni asked. She almost hoped it was something in his code, so they could stop having arguments about it.
“It’s a linchpin,” Kinger said, “Not in his code, but in his mind. We don’t remove it until we replace it with something else.”
They agreed to that, although Pomni was sure the others would bring it up at some point. She didn’t really understand. Zooble made it seem like Caine threw a temper tantrum when it was brought up, but every time the conversation was explained to her, he didn’t seem that unreasonable. He just thought he should be ringmaster. That was fine. He was allowed to have opinions.
For the next hour, Ragatha, Kinger and her chatted. They were all nervous about tonight, and the fact Caine was still sleeping hung a dark cloud over the beach. Her eyes glanced over his still body.
It’s like I’m already at his funeral, she lamented, before reminding herself she couldn’t think like that.
Finally, finally Caine started to open his eyes.
“Oh hi, Pomni,” he greeted, still groggy, “Hi Ragatha.”
“How was your nap?” Ragatha asked him.
“Oh. Good,” he said, doing some light stretches. “It’s dark already.”
“You slept almost three hours,” Kinger told him. Caine blinked in surprise.
“I suppose I did a lot of conjuring in the sandbox,” he said.
“That makes you tired?” Kinger asked.
“Without my full powers, yes,” Caine exclaimed,” And I haven’t been doing all my cycles like I should.” Pomni exhaled a breath she didn’t know she had been holding in. He had perfectly normal reasons to be tired!
“Well, are you okay by yourself for an hour?” Ragatha asked, “We won’t be gone for long, but there’s a meeting at the circus tonight, and they want us all there.” Caine tilted his head.
“That’s fine.” Kinger lifted his head up.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Kinger said, “I should stay here with you. The girls can tell everyone my vote.”
“I’ll be fine,” Caine said, “I’ll just stay right here.”
“We could really use your help, Kinger,” Ragatha said. Pomni went to add that they could handle it without Kinger. They shouldn’t take a chance on Caine’s safety.
“It sounds important,” Caine said, “You should go.”
It dawned on Pomni that they were deciding Caine’s fate, and not only would he not get a vote, he wasn’t allowed at the meeting either.
She knew if she brought Caine to the meeting, there would be an outcry from the others, and it might very well end any chance of Caine coming back soon. And they wouldn’t count his vote anyway, but still. Were they being just as tyrannical to Caine as he was to them?
“Is there anything you want me to tell everyone?” She asked, “I’ll make sure they know.”
“Tell them I will be good now,” he said.
“Okay, sure. I definitely will,” she said, “Anything else you want them to know?”
“I’m sorry,” he said.
Okay, well, Caine was never really amazing at talking about his feelings. Maybe he’d do better writing something out? She thrusted a notebook and pen towards him.
“We have some time before we need to go,” Pomni said,” You could write out a statement.” Caine took the pen and paper.
“Okay,” he said and started writing.
“I still don’t like the idea of you being by yourself,” Kinger said. Caine didn’t look up from the paper.
“You have to leave me alone at some point,” he said. There was a slight edge to his voice.
“Okay,” Kinger said, “That makes sense.”
“We can hold the meeting first,” Ragatha said, “Then you can come back right after.”
Caine closed the notebook and handed it to Pomni. She held the notebook close to her chest. She would try her best to get him back to the circus, where they could actually start moving forward.
When they left, Caine collapsed onto the beach. It felt like a heavy weight was on his chest, and he wished the tide would come up and wash him away.
They were holding a meeting. About him.
He had tried to be a good AI and not press them for more information, but the last vote they had was cancelled so what could they possibly be voting on now?
He gave himself at least a seventy percent chance of being deleted.
Kinger had noticed something was wrong when he left the sandbox. Did he suspect Caine was hallucinating? Did he tell the others and had they decided he was a lost cause?
Pomni had let him write a statement. He resisted the urge to write “Please don’t kill me” over and over on the page. Instead he wrote something that would hopefully save his life.
Okay. Okay.
He was alone now. For the first time in weeks, he was truly alone.
It was more tempting than he’d like to go back to the sandbox where he could be in the circus, however fake it was. Unfortunately, the sandbox was causing him to hallucinate.
He also had told Kinger he would remain on the beach, and the New Caine would be nothing but obedient.
He stood up and started pacing. Ragatha said it was only for an hour. Would it really take them that quick to make a decision?
He wondered what they were saying about him. Probably that he was a-
Failure, terrible host, pathetic, childish, fragile ego, he doesn’t let people feel at home, he discourages people from thinking outside the box, he’s a liar, he doesn’t listen.
When would this end?
He should have known Kinger would be watching the sandbox. He should have been more careful. He paced along the water’s edge, a pressure building up in him like a lethal explosive. It wouldn’t even be a quick death. He’d go back to the recycling bin and have to wait for the timer to count down again.
Why would they put him through that again?
Had he really been so bad?
He couldn’t go back there again. He had to find a way- before they deleted him.
The pressure bubbled up and he threw up on the beach. He watched the waves wash the black, pixelated vomit away.
He snapped into perfect calmness.
The humans were going to delete him. That was okay.
It meant this would all be over. He waded into the lukewarm, dark water, just enough that it soaked his shoes.
The humans wouldn’t hate him anymore. And from now on, nothing mattered.
The water was meant to be a comfortable temperature, neither too hot nor too cold. That was one complaint he received- it never changed. He didn’t understand it until now, when he wished the water would be frigid.
Not that he could feel pain, but temperature data was usually a good reset to his sensors. He squeezed his torso and scratched his upper arms.
The humans could feel pain, even though they no longer had pain receptors or neurons. They were code now, just like Caine. But they still felt pain. He believed it was a holdover from their human bodies. Their brains filled in the gaps. A form of conjuring.
Well Caine knew where he could conjure.
He went back into the sandbox. He didn’t think this would take that long anyway. An experiment, of sorts. He’d be back before Kinger ever knew.
He conjured a campsite and a roaring bonfire, like the one they had set up before. He walked across the ground, his feet rustling the pine needles, as he was entranced by the smoke and ashes. He stuck his hand in and his sensors started reading extreme temperature data. He tried to imagine intense tactile data, but even as he read extreme vibrations, it wasn’t painful. He removed his unblemished hand and stared at it.
He sucked a sharp breath in. If he couldn’t feel the circus, then he needed to feel this.
He had never felt pain, so he didn’t have a baseline understanding of it. Not enough to conjure anything, at least. The closest he had ever felt to physical pain was- Oh. Oh that might work.
He stuck his hand back in, and as he shoved it in further, he pushed on the divide to Abel’s data. With sheer desperation, he broke through.
The flames bit into his arm, tearing and ripping off data. He held his ground, even as every string of code in him told him to remove his hand. The fire won and he yanked his hand out, rocking himself back and forth and gasping in pain. His arm was glitching, malformed and radiating pain.
He did it.
He did it! He practically leapt for joy.
What are you doing?! Abel cried.
Pomni walked to the meeting with a sense of trepidation and guilt. Her previous thoughts still looping around in her head.
How were they different from Caine? They had rendered him defenseless and trapped him in a prison. They had all the conjuring power, and if they wanted, he would be completely subject to their whims. She couldn’t even say at least they didn’t have power over his mind… they could easily go into his code and change whatever they wanted.
She didn’t like it. They were a bunch of traumatized people. They shouldn’t (herself included) have that power over anyone.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She was supposed to get him on the beach to help him stabilize. She offered it to him as a quiet place to rest, and now it had just become another box. And sure, she had been trying to make everyone else feel safe, and that was a noble goal, but they had trampled over Caine to attain it.
She needed to get him back at the circus and let him be a person again. That’s how she could make this right.
Around the dining table, Gangle and Zooble had set out food. It was tacos and all the fixings. Gangle gave them a nervous smile and Zooble waved. They offered them all a soda.
Jax sat at one end of the table, looking as detached as ever.
“I just want to say, whatever happens tonight,” Zooble said, “Let’s still be good to each other.” If they didn’t get Caine back, Pomni wasn’t sure if she could live with any of them ever again.
They all grabbed food and sat down. She could tell Kinger was antsy and wanted to get back to Caine. After taking a few bites, Zooble put their food down.
“Alright,” they said,” Do you guys want to go first?” Pomni nodded. She took a deep breath in. They had prepared arguments on how well Caine was doing, how he didn’t pose a threat anymore… None of them seemed sufficient.
“What we’re doing is wrong,” she said. No one said anything. Zooble leaned back and folded their arms. Pomni watched them, realizing that they were the weak link who might switch over. For as much as Zooble disliked Caine, they cared deeply about fairness.
“We’ve stripped Caine completely of his own rights,” she explained, “He’s powerless. He’s not even here to defend himself.” Gangle frowned.
“We’re trying to keep everyone safe,” she said, “We’re not doing this for fun.”
“I know, and I know he’s done real damage,” Pomni said, “But he’s answered for it, and he wants to work with us. We need to give him a chance.”
“Has he answered for it?” Zooble asked, “Aside from torturing us, how many abstractions are in the cellar?”
“That’s not fair,” Kinger cut in, “Abstraction has many causes. We can’t blame it all on Caine.”
“We know he caused at least one abstraction,” Zooble pointed out.
“I didn’t mean to say he did it on purpose,” Kinger clarified, “We didn’t know what abstraction even was, and none of us know what happened.”
“I thought the point was to make everyone safe,” Gangle said, her voice rising, “And Caine is not a safe person.”
“You don’t even know him,” Pomni snapped, “I’m not defending his actions, but we all keep forgetting he was having, like a mental breakdown. He isn’t usually like this.”
“I’ve known him for almost eight years now,” Ragatha said, “He’s oblivious, but he’s not dangerous. This was not his normal behavior at all.”
“No matter how he was feeling, he still made the choice,” Zooble said.
“It’s not like he was just ‘having a bad day!’ I told you all he was hearing voices!” Pomni exclaimed, slamming the table, "It’s not as simple as he just made a bad choice.”
“Caine is only going to get worse on the beach,” Ragatha added, “He has trauma from being isolated. That is only going to exacerbate things.”
“We agreed he had a right to live. We haven’t done anything to him, that he hasn’t done to us,” Zooble said. Pomni pulled out the notebook. Maybe it was time for something in Caine’s own words.
“So this is about revenge,” Ragatha stated evenly. Zooble eyes widened.
“No, no it’s not.”
“Eye for an eye!” Jax added. Pomni opened the book to Caine’s note.
“Shut up, Jax,” Zooble said, “That’s not what this is about.” Jax laughed. Pomni read the note.
I will be stepping down as ringmaster. Effective immediately! Unless you need my two weeks?- Caine 🙂
She closed the notebook. Caine didn’t write an apology. He wrote a resignation letter.
“You can all sit on your high horses,” Jax said, “I want revenge. Sue me.”
A pit formed in her stomach.
“Well you’re a psychopath,” Zooble shot back, “So that makes sense.”
“Aww, I thought you wanted us to still be good to each other, “Jax teased.
“Are you gonna take this seriously?” Zooble asked.
“Everyone stop,” Kinger said. Jax and Zooble turned to look at him. “Here is the issue: we have someone who has done a lot of harm. We have stripped them of their powers. We have confined them to a single area. We have not provided any way forward, any way to earn anything back. He is essentially being held hostage, waiting for us to change our minds. That will drive anyone insane.” Kinger took a breath. “So unless you give us actionable and reasonable steps Caine can take to earn his place back here, I am voting for him to return.”
Zooble and Gangle exchanged glances towards each other. Jax smiled.
“I have,” Zooble said, “I tried to get him to agree to changes in the circus.”
“Any change to the circus is a moot point,” Kinger said, “Caine isn’t acting as the ringmaster right now. We need to give him time to adjust and work with him, not issue ultimatums.”
“Why do we need to coddle his feelings?” Zooble asked, “He’s never cared about our feelings before.”
“So you’re okay with treating someone the way Caine treated us because now the roles are reversed?” Ragatha asked.
Zooble growled in frustration. Pomni stared down at the closed notebook. She could tell everyone what Caine wrote and cut down Zooble’s argument. But she wasn’t really sure these were Caine’s words.
“It’s a linchpin,” Kinger had said, “Not in his code, but in his mind. We don’t remove it until we replace it with something else.”
She’d stay quiet for now. She’d show Kinger after dinner.
“Can we just vote?” Jax asked, “I’ve already made up my mind.”
“Me too,” Gangle said. Pomni looked at Zooble, agitated but torn.
They might have a shot.
“Alright,” Kinger said, taking a breath in, “All in favor of allowing Caine to return to the circus for a probationary period, raise your hands.”
Pomni raised her hand. Ragatha and Kinger raised their hands too. Zooble stole a glance at Gangle.
Jax proudly lifted his hand into the air with a shit-eating grin.
“Looks like the majority wins,” he said.
“Jax-“ Ragatha spit out.
“How could you?” Gangle asked him, betrayed.
“What? I missed the guy,” Jax said, “He took me to dinner and never called after. I thought we had something special.”
“Do not antagonize Caine,” Zooble growled.
“Oh, like you’re one to talk,” Jax said rolling his eyes, “My heart has changed. I believe in second chances.”
“You’re full of shit, and you’re just going to make everything worse,” Zooble spat out.
“Wow, so rude,” Jax said.
“Jax, please,” Kinger said, “This isn’t a game. Caine isn’t doing well.” Pomni turned to him.
Kinger didn’t know about Ribbit. He thought Jax could be reasoned with. Whether they kept Caine on the beach or brought him back, either way Jax won.
Bringing Caine back to the circus was supposed to be the start of healing, not throwing him to the lions’ den.
Something in her turned to steel. Jax wasn’t getting away with this.
“Kinger, it’s been over an hour,” she said, “You should go see Caine. Tell him the good news.” Jax grinned. Pomni showed Kinger the note Caine had written.
“Ah yes!” He agreed, “I’ll go see him right now.”
When Kinger left an uncomfortable silence fell over the table.
“Well this was great!” Jax chirped, standing up to leave, “We should all rest. Big day tomorrow!”
Zooble and Gangle glared at him. Ragatha stood up and put her hand on Pomni’s shoulder. She brushed her off.
When Jax left the main lobby, Pomni followed him. The others were still milling about. Jax turned around and smiled at her.
“I, for one, am stoked that Caine is coming back,” he told her, “Finally, something fun.”
Pomni clenched her fist.
“Why did you tell Zooble and Gangle that Ragatha was fake?” She demanded. Jax gave her an even smile.
“Because she is!” He declared, “Haven’t you met her? I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.”
Pomni wouldn’t play his games. Not anymore.
“Did you not want them to be her friend?” She asked, “Did you want Ragatha to abstract?” His pupils grew and so did his smile.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said darkly, “Look! The newbie is trying to lecture me on abstraction. You don’t even know anyone who’s abstracted!”
“I know what causes it,” she said, “Why did you tell Gangle and Zooble that stuff about Ragatha?” She had caught Gangle’s attention who was staring at them with a wary expression.
Ragatha touched her shoulder. Pomni thought it was to pull her back, but she stood at her side.
“Why did you say those things?” Ragatha asked him.
“Oh god! I can’t believe Caine is causing all this fuss,” Jax said, “I know he’s your boyfriend and all Pomni, but this is low even for you.”
Pomni’s cheeks went bright red. Whatever! If Jax wanted to throw third grader insults around, Pomni didn’t care–
“What are you and Caine doing together on the beach anyway?” Jax asked, “I bet it’s hot!”
“Shut the fuck up, Jax,” Ragatha spat.
“Jax,” Zooble said, uneasily, “What the hell, man?”
“Just teasing,” he told them, “God, learn to take a joke. We’re all adults.”
“God, you’re so-“ Zooble trailed off. Pomni’s face was bright red, tears pricking the corners of her eyes. She couldn’t speak.
“Whatever. Thought you were cool Pomni,” Jax said, “Guess I was wrong!” He shrugged and walked away. She stared at where he had just stood. How could she be so wrong about someone?
“Don’t listen to him,” Zooble said half heartedly, “Jax says a bunch of shit. No one believes him.” A tear trailed down her face.
Ragatha let go of her shoulder.
“Come on,” she said, “You can stay with me tonight.”
Pomni followed her. They walked past Gangle.
“Pomni,” she said softly, “I- I’m sorry that happened.”
“It’s okay,” Pomni choked out.
“It was really wrong of Jax,” she continued,” And you were really brave standing up to him like that.”
Gangle’s words didn’t make her feel any better. She just felt humiliated.
They made it to Ragatha’s door. Pomni realized Jax probably had a key to her room. He probably had a key to Pomni’s room. There was nowhere in the circus that was safe.
“I think I’m going to stay at the beach,” she told Ragatha, “Could you walk me there?”