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Blood, guts, viscera—wait, that’s the same thing—Link was knee deep in all of it. Bokos, moblins, lizalfos, eviscerated around him… He'd had the foolhardy idea to go cleanse the scablands as a training exercise with the newest recruits to Hoz’s monster extermination crew.
If you asked Link, it was going swimmingly! If you asked the recruits, well…. Ulg and Tabit cowered behind oversized shields, trying to get splattered with less blood, less guts. (It wasn’t really working.) All while the hero did the slaughtering for them.
“Keep up, Tabit! That monster isn't gonna wait for you!” Link called, slicing down a black moblin.
Tabit quaked, knees knocking, as a beady-eyed lizalfos sprang for him. He squealed like a pig and was pinned to the ground beneath its claws, pressing into his shield. His companion, Ulg, also screamed. “Help! Help! HELP!”
“Come on, are you holding a sword or what? Kill the lizalfos, he's only a green one!” Link said, before opening the carotid on a blue lizalfos. It fell down.
“WHAT DOES GREEN MEAN?!?!” Ulg wailed as a trembling Tabit fended off blows with his shield.
“It means you STAB IT—-oh, wait—” there was an unmistakable chiming from Link's belt. The Sheikah Slate. “Hang on, Zelda is calling. Hey babe!”
“Hey Link! Ugh I'm so bummed I gotta—”
Link stabbed a silver bokoblin through the neck. Somehow, it didn’t die. A wet, garbled gurgle sounded from what remained of its throat.
“Hang on….” Zelda said on the slate, “...are you working right now?”
“Yeah babe. What's up?”
“HEEEEEELPP!! LINK PLEEAAASE!!!” Tabit was losing it, but he hadn't been wounded or anything. Just pinned. By a still-striking Lizalfos, who kept tonguing his shield.
Ulg looked sweaty and pale with fear. “....Link????”
“I said, STAB HIM! I’m a little busy over here, but you guys TOTALLY got this!”
Zelda sighed. “Link, are you training recruits again?”
“Yeah, how'd you guess?” Link flung the silver boko back with a shield parry, and then jump-striked, stabbing it through the chest. It lost some hit points but, still, didn't die.
“Link…maybe you should focus…?”
“Nah, these are garden variety monsters. A perfect warm-up! Also, these guys are pretty good, actually. Still standing up! …Mostly.” Link knocked the silver boko down and turned to the pair of recruits. “USE YOUR FUCKING SWORD AND SAVE ME THE SWING, WILL YA! ….Sorry, Zel, didn't mean to curse in front of you. What did you call about again?”
A few more wet-sounding slashes and the silver boko was spurting and hobbling, but still swinging, wailing in outrage. Ulg finally managed to stab the green lizalfos pinning his friend, giving Tabit an opening to stand and run the lizalfos through with his traveler’s sword. Dead.
“You seem busy….” Zelda said.
“No, no, its fine,” Link said, rolling to dodge and slicing the silver boko across the belly. His weapon splintered, and he tossed it at the boko’s face. It began to lose entrails, and was now bleeding from its face, but it still staggered, abandoning the idea of doing any damage to Link. But….turning, it saw Ulg and Tabit. It hobbled towards them, eyes red. Trailing its own blood. Mauled nearly beyond recognition, but still alive.
“Well….I just….I was thinking….what do you think about paintings instead of weapon mounts in the house? Something peaceful instead of intimidating?"
The silver boko raised a spiked club against Ulg and Tabit. They quivered. It crouched to prepare for one last kamikaze lunge.
“I'm just worried about what guests will think, mostly. You know how I admire your work. No one else can fight like you.”
Link sprinted behind Ulg, and raised Ulg’s arms—which clutched his spear. The boko leaped. Guided by Link, Ulg held out the spear and: impaled the boko. It finally died on the end of his spear.
Link clapped Ulg on the back. “Good one!” He addressed Zelda on the slate next. “Whatever you want, babe! My house is your house!”
Tabit and Ulg looked to each other, and then to Link.
“Are you sure! You seem very attached to….the tools of your trade? And I respect that. I do.”
Link was coated in blood and specked with viscera, but he smiled like a man in love. “Not as much as I'm attached to you! Take em down, Zel. Put up flowers and beautiful paintings. Anything for you. If I brought peace to Hyrule, you can bring peaceful paintings to our house.”
“Really?! You….are you sure?”
“I’m absolutely sure. I love you, Zel. Now, I gotta debrief with the recruits, but I’ll call when I'm heading home. See you tonight.”
“Okay. Bye, Link.”
“Bye, babe. Mwah.” And the call ended.
Link sighed, shaking his head, and grinning. “Well! That was the last of the monsters. Let's report to Hoz!”
Tabit moaned before falling to his knees, fainting. Ulg swallowed loudly. “This was more than we bargained for….”
“YOU killed a silver boko!!!” Link clapped him on the arm. “Ulg! You did that! The toughest of the lot! And you both did amazing. And I got to talk to my girlfriend.” Link beamed. “We're all winners here!”
Ulg gulped. “We're so dead…We can't do this….we have to give up! Go home. Ashamed.”
“Ah, enough of that! You can't quit. Keep fighting and you might get a girl half as pretty as my Zelda one day!” Link winked at them. He pulled some smelling salts from his inventory and roused Tabit. “Rise and shine, Tabit! You get to go back to camp now, glory in hand. You and Ulg killed a SILVER BOKO!” Link pointed to the quivering bokoblin heart that had separated from the beast during its grisly death. “Oh, and one of you, be sure to collect those guts. I'll show you how to craft the best attack-up potion with them!”
Tabit and Ulg shared one nauseous glance before both fainting.
Link shrugged. “I guess you can't recruit them all.” And he plopped Ulg over his right shoulder and Tabit over his left, and carried them back to camp.