Chapter Text
Baby, I'm delusional
And the way you act is usual
Maybe in another world
I won't feel so unlovable (unlovable)
Oh (unlovable)
In a room full of people, I look for you
Would you avoid me or would you look for me too?
Tell me, is our story through? (Through)
Or do our hearts still beat in tune?
In a room full of people, I look for you
Would you avoid me or would you see me through?
Tell me, is our story through? (Through)
Or do our hearts still beat in tune?
[12 to 12 - Sombr]
Cameras flashed along with tons and tons of small talk. Rich people were dressed up, huge smiles on their faces, throwing away money. Events like this were Kiara's nightmare and she used to hate with all her might.
It's ironic since this event, was planned by her. It was her fundraiser. It was a way to gain sponsorships so there could not only be more beach clean ups, but clean ups around the island.
Her program was not only targeted for the youth, but for anyone who is passionate about keeping the environment clean. She was proactive.
She had small talk to business owners, individuals who were willing to to donate. But what she wanted deep down, was a sponser she could rely on.
A sponsor she wouldn't have to worry about participating only to spend money or to change their minds. She needed someone who holds passion as well.
"Oh my god! Kie! You look so beautiful!" Sarah cooed, making her way towards her best friend and wrapping her arms around her neck. The smell of the blondes perfume engulfed her.
"Thanks Sar, you look gorgeous," She returned the hug, and saw John B walking up to both girls.
His hands were in his pockets of the suit, having his awkward yet genuine smile."Hey, Kie. You did a good job on this place. You went full kook,"
She let out a laugh before bringing him in for a quick hug. "Yeah, totally. How else am I supposed to attract my sponsors? My wallet is crying over here,"
"Good point," His eyes averted from Kiara, like he was looking for someone. His eyes scanned the venue, trying to find the person he was looking for. "So, where's JJ? You two came together, right?"
A small sigh left the brunette as she placed her hands on her hips."He's probably at the bar," There was a hint of disappointment in her tone, which Sarah picked up on. "What's wrong?"
"He's been acting weird about this whole thing. I get that he doesn't want to be a kook—neither did I, but things just happen, you know? He's been drinking recently," She didn't like talking fown on JJ, but this has been going on for a while now. "And I wonder if its my fault. The success and impact that I've already achieved... It's not exactly being a pogue anymore,"
"Hey, you're doing what you've always felt passionate for. Taking care of the environment, making an impact," Sarah comforted her, placing a hand on her shoulder.
"Yeah, you're being who you want to be. If JJ has trouble adjusting, thats on him. If Pope were here and didn't have to deal with exams, he would knock some sense into him," John B came to comfort her as well. Although he is best friends with JJ, he's disapproving how his friend is acting.
"I appreate your help, but I think I have it under control. Beaides, I'm still a pogue," How she said it seemed to be as if she were trying to convince herself that. Not about being a pogue, she was sure of it, but handling JJ was uncertain.
Sarah and John B both looked at her, knowing how both Kiara and JJ were very stubborn. Kiara didn't like where this conversation went and forced a smile.
"I think you guys will like the caterer I hired. Her name is Cleo and she owns 'Cheese on Bread'. Its one of my favorite restaurants besides the Wreck. You guys are missing out," Her parents are currently on a trip, celebrating their anniversary. They were her first and easy option, but Cleo is a good friend and offered.
"Isn't that slang—" Sarah glanced over towards John B for confirmation. He nodded and a smile grew on his face. "Yeah, the name's dope,"
Kiara turned and gazed around, looking for Cleo. "Ah, shes over there, at the food station," She pointed towards the long table full of food. "I showed her a picture of all of us together and her eyes stayed on Pope. I'm thinking about playing match maker,"
"Oh my god, shes pretty," Sarah's eyes lit up. "They'd look so cute together. You know, the best way to a man's heart is his stomach,"
"You managed to burn spaghetti noodles last Thursday," John B was unimpressed with what Sarah said. "I don't know how you managed, but you did,"
"Oh shut up. I had your heart before becoming your one star chef," She bumped his shoulder. "Oh, I totally forgot. Rafe decided to come,"
That name hadn't been brought up within the group in a few years. Since the breakup. The divorce. The smile on Kiara's face was still there, just lost it's genuine feel. "Oh. Well, I hope to run into him," Lies.
Across the venue, Rafe stood there with his eyes locked on a certain someone. The same caramel skin, the blonde streaks in her brunette hair, the wide smile. It was all the same. Fuck, he messed up big time. And he could pin point where she was in a room full of rich assholes.
Then his blue eyes trailed over towards the bar, where JJ was downing multiple glasses of any kind of alcohol he could try as if that were a sample testing station. She could do so much better.
It would be hypocritical if Rafe told her that her fiancé was turning into his abusive, adopted father when Rafe was pretty much a carbon copy of Ward. He hated it. He looked just like him, had a simular mentality, hell, even had the same taste in liquor.
But past all of the hypocrisy, there was that longing yet arrogant feeling deep down. That feeling told him that he should still be the one she wakes up to. Her date for this event—which he was impressed she pulled together. The man she could look at with those sparkly brown eyes and call her husband.
But no...
It had to be JJ.
It was always JJ.
And he hated it.
His jaw clenched and his posture was rigid with tension. The glass he held endured the tight grip he had. He needed to clear his mind. He quickly went outside, a few other guests chatted out here.
He found a bench and sat there, slowly drinking the non alcohol champagne she had. He was working on himself, wanted to get better, be better for her.
Right, he was an alcoholic but it was too hard to stay together. But here goes JJ doing the same shit yet 'its JJ being JJ, laughing it off.
That was a joke. If he made the same mistakes, he needs to be put into his place. But here goes JJ not being held accountable for his actions.
The hypocrisy.
His eyes found a couple laughing, holding onto one another. That longing feeling came back, but stronger this time. Maybe its because he knew that Kiara was inside. He tried to get over her, using Sofia as a distraction, knowing that it was a shitty thing to do.
She wasn't defiant, independent, cutthroat like Kie. She wasn't Kie. She didn't hold him accountable when he was indirectly an asshole towards her or pogues. She didn't challenge him like how Kiara did.
Giggles echoed in the condo as Rafe carried Kiara bridal style inside. She wore a white tie-front mini dress with a pair of matching white sandals and a wedding ring on her ring finger.
"Rafe! Put me down! I have legs, you know," But she wasn't exactly serious. She was having too much fun, getting ready for the honeymoon.
"Why should I put my newly wedded wife down?" He spun around until flopping down the sofa, still holding her close. She didn't respond, instead, she buried her face in the crook of his neck.
There was a comfortable silence between the two. They had a very intimate wedding, something Rafe surprisingly came up with for the two. "Do you think they're going to be mad?" Kiara murmered in his neck.
"Why? Because we didn't invite them to our city hall wedding and instead had your parents as the witnesses? I doubt so," It was sarcastic but the answer was still there. Yes, the pogues and his sisters would be upset. "But its not like they knew we were planning to marry anyway,"
The relationship they had was pretty private, some pda here and there, but they didn't exactly rub it into everyone's faces. The pogues think that the two were hooking up without strings attached. It aas weird at first, especially with Sarah and JJ. But over time, at least one of them grew to like it.
"Don't worry, Kie. They still don't have to know...But I know you don't like lying to your friends," He paused, thinking of something to say while his hand ran over her caramel curls. "We could tell them the truth. Rip off the bandaid,"
"They'll start hating me and hate you more. And you've been kissing their asses for so long. I don't want all of that to go to waste," She ran her hand over his button up, trailing aimless patterns over his chest.
"Well, the only ass kissing will go to you from now on, Mrs. Cameron. And besides, I can take people hating me, but not you. Its not your fault that you fell for my irresistible charms," He heard her scoff but that didn't erase the smile, although it relaxed a bit.
"They would find out if...we took the next step in the future," He murmered, not exactly too confident with the subject. He had his reasons for hesitation. "Do you ever want to have kids? In the future of course,"
Kiara leaned back to get a good look at his face. She turned her body so her back was against his chest, but her head fell back to his shoulder. "Someday, yes. After graduation, landing a job as conversationalist, if possible,"
"It is. I believe in you more than anyone else," He pressed a kiss against her temple. So she did want to start a family. Not now, of course. But the thought still scared him a bit.
"Hey,"
"Hey, Rafe,"
Rafe blinked and glanced over towards who was calling him. His breath got caught in his throat as the woman he was hoping to speak to all night, and the sole reason why he was here, was actually in front of him. "Hey, Kie," He said softly, like any greeting he had with her.
"Is this seat taken?" She didn't exactly wait for an answer, taking the seat beside him. She let out a long exhale, slouching a bit. He could see that she was stressed out from this whole thing. This wasn't exactly the Kiara he knew.
"You good? You look like you're about to rip your hair out," He turned a bit to get a good look at her appearance. Again. She was still gorgeous, even stressing her ass off.
"Yeah, just... needed some fresh air for a minute. Why are you out here? I know you can get antisocial but this event is pretty much you," She didn't exactly look over towards him as she stared at the empty champagne glass.
So, she chose to sit with him when her friends, and pathetic excuse of a boyfriend,were inside. They were married at some point, so of course she would feel safe feeling vulnerable with him. If she didn't she would've got Maybank under control and talk to him.
Rafe cleared his throat and furrowed his eyebrow together. "Well, I needed air, too. What, I'm some successful CEO and I thrive doing this? You of all people should know how I really feel," There was a deeper meaning behind his words, and they both knew it.
"Rafe, stop it," She rolled her eyes, internally contemplating if this were a mistake or not for sitting next to him.
"What? I don't understand you, Kie. You hold me accountable but not that boyfriend of yours? Why? Am I really that horrible? I doubt so if we were married," Was he being a bit of an asshole? Yes.
"Why are you here? You don't exactly care for the environment," She tapped her nails against the glass before she finally held her eyes on him.
"And miss your event? I don't think so. You know, you pulled this together even when it isn't your scene. I'm proud of you," Being an asshole wasn't going to get him anywhere. Besides, she was the only person, outside of his family of course, who knew who he really is.
She sat there, staring at him for a moment. Why feel on edge? He gave you a couple of really great and epic years. "Thanks,"
It became silent between the two. The awkwardness wasn't strong, but seems to be ignored. They took in the fresh air outside and tried to clear their minds.
"You look beautiful, by the way," He couldn't help himself. Inside, through the crowd, his eyes were strictly on her. "More than beautiful, actually,"
"Rafe..." There didn't need to be any sort of drama tonight. Not between her and Rafe, nor JJ and Rafe. But it seems like fate was against her tonight.
Commotion was heard from inside, which made Kiara stand up abruptly. "What the hell?" She placed her glass on the side table before rushing inside. The sounds of her heels clicking on the pavement was all Rafe could focus on, besides the way she carried herself while walking.
He stood up too and followed her inside. A long sigh turned into amused chuckles at the sight. It reminded him of midsummers about ten years ago. Pogues humiliating or self sabotaging themselves was the best kind of entertainment.
There was Maybank causing a commotion at the bar. From what he could hear and see, the bartender refused him a drink. John B and Sarah were trying to stop his shenanigans, but failed. The look on Kiara's face though, that made the arrogant smile vanish.
Shit. She must feel embarrassed considering that hes her boyfriend now. This wouldn't have happened if she didn't—
"JJ, please. Tonight is very important to me," She tried to console him, but he refused. Security began making their way towards him, causing him to laugh.
This wasn't funny, not anymore. Not when it was giving Kiara a bad image, humiliating her, and ruining the chances of potential sponsors. A few guests whispered among each other, shaking heads, eyes full of disapproval and disgust.
JJ held out his hands before laughing. "This is some kook bullshit! You're finally showing your true side, Kie. Happy to help you find yourself," Did he mean those words? Nobody knew. Th insecurity was evident, but Kiara knew an apology was coming within a day or two.
Rafe took a few steps, standing behind Kiara and pressed his hand on her lower back. "Let me be your sponsor, okay?" He whispered, knowing the low chances of these other old kooks accepting her offer. They didn't give a shit anyway.
Without much thought, Kiara nodded. Tears were in her eyes as she watched JJ willingly get escorted out. That must hurt watching the person who is supposed to cheer you on, did the exact opposite.
"I'm sorry, Jayj, but we aren't exactly the same pogues as well were ten years ago. And that doesn't mean we are kooks," Kiara was trying to reassure the blonde in the condo before the event began.
"Yeah, pogues who live in fancy condos, have kook parents who help out all the damn time," He scoffed, and sat down on the couch, loosening his tie.
A frown grew as she observed her boyfriend closely. The slight puffiness, occasional slurred speech, glistening skin. "Are you drunk?"
"No. Just a bit tipsy is all. I'll be well behaved for you, kook princess," A mocking smile grew on his face before resting his head on the back of the sofa.
"Jayj..." She wasn't close to being kook anyone. Yes, they were comfortable with income, but that didn't exactly make them kooks or pogues. At least not the kind of pogues who struggle.
"What? We got a gala, fundraiser, whatever the hell to get to, right?"
Kiara sat on the bench after her guests left the venue. Sarah and John B had to get home since the sitter had a family emergency. She felt alone. That was until someone sat next to her. "Rafe, not now,"
"Damn, didn't know I wasn't comforting anymore. Good to know," He clasped his hands together and pursed his lips into a thin line.
"Don't do that. Now here, not now. I don't need to deal with your bullshit," It was evident that Kiara was in no mood to deal with Rafe, so she snapped at him.
"I think I'm the wrong person you're snapping at. You have Maybank all of that grace and restraint, yet I get yelled at. Makes total sense," He scoffed, noting but disbelief in his eyes.
He didn't stop there. "I mean, Maybank caused a whole scene, ruined your chances of picking your own sponsors and humiliated you, yet I'm getting yelled at. Shit Kiara! What happened to you? Why give him all that grace if he can't handle all of this?" He motioned not only towards the venue, but towards her.
"Stop..." She knew he was right, but she wasn't stubborn. So stubborn that it was easier to yell at Rafe than JJ.
"No. You hold me accountable every damn time? Let me return the favor. You put that so called boyfriend of yours on a pedestal while I get shit on! He is practically your child!" Clearly, this frustrated Rafe. He dealt with favoritism all of his childhood, and he refuses to take it from the person he loves most.
"Rafe, just stop," Tears rolled down her cheeks, not in the mood to argue. Not in the mood to do their usual dance.
Rafe's eyes softened as he watched her silently cry. Without another thought, he pulled her in, wrapping his arms around her. "Kie..." He stopped and let out a sigh. Apologies weren't exactly his strong suit.
It took a moment before she relaxed in his hold. It was familiar, comforting, like walking back home after a few years. Memories of this flashed in her mind, like deja vu in a way.
"He took the car..." Her voice cracked before wiping away the stray tears. It was pathetic crying over some guy who left without another blink.
"I'll give you a ride home," Home. There was a time where they both noticed how corny he could get with calling her 'his home'.
"I don't want to go to the condo... Hes just going to be passed out on the couch, then the next morning act like nothing happened. But something did happen," Her head shook as her eyebrows were furrowed together.
"Okay..." He held her hand before pulling her towards his Range Rover. He opened the passenger side door, assisting her in before walking over towards the driver's side.
Kiara fastened her seatbelt after closing the door. It's been forever since shes been in here. She could remember the first time though, when Rafe drove her home after hanging out with Sarah. And that was before the fall out, in their freshman year.
The drive to Tannyhill was silent. No small talk, no radio, no ac, as if they needed it with the windows down. Kiara gave Rafe a side glance before getting out of the truck. "I'll take Sarah—"
"No," He climbed out of the truck and locked it before going towards the side doors. "It's not like we haven't slept in my bed before,"
"The circumstances are different, Rafe," Her face held a puzzled look, but deep down, her heart fluttered at the thought of being able to sleep in the same bed as Rafe again. Even if it meant one night.
"So? We don't have to do anything," He stepped inside, holding the door open for her. She walked passed him and stopped in the kitchen. There was whiskey unopened, brand new.
"Were you planning to relapse? You've worked so hard to stay sober," A frown was written on her face as her eyes went towards Rafe.
From his perspective, it sounded more accusatory than concerned. He let out a scoff before going towards the island, where the whiskey was located, and putting it into the cabinet. "Right, I forgot. Maybank can get away with ruining your night but I can't be on the fence to relapse?"
That didn't make sense to her. She backed away and shook her head. "You and JJ are different,"
"Are we?! No, no, think about it!" He snapped, leading him to raising his voice. "We've gone through simular things, we went down pretty much the same path with alcohol but the difference is that he is sinking while I got out!! But of course, give the lousy pogue his grace—put him on his pedestal!!"
Kiara didn't say anything. He was exploding, and she knew the best thing to do now was to listen.
"I've been sober, for you!! I hold back on the classist bullshit, for you!! I made tonight, your night, about you!! I've made my world about you!!And what has he done?! Made everything about himself because he can't accept not being a complete pogue now?! He needs to grow the fuck up!! Why are you with him if I've gotten better for you, Kie?!!"
His breathing was heavy, hands were twitching and his body grew tense. Tears welled up in his eyes. He never liked raising his voice towards her, which is why he usually spoke in a softer tone. But he was too caught up to think right now.
"Shit—now I look like the bad guy because I'm yelling at you or this time keeping you accountable for your bullshit!! You're a fucking hypocrite!! He tears you down and what do I do, Kiara?!"
She was holding back her tears, avoiding eye contact because she knew on a level, he was right. "You need to let go, Rafe. It's been two years since the divorce—"
"Annulment... The annulment papers you threw at me! Papers that made our marriage nonexistent!! Keep telling yourself its a divorce to feel less guilty!! Was my love for you not enough?! Or no, was it too much, because I know how you get!! You're just like Sarah!!! You're just like everyone!! Everybody leaves! Mom, dad, Wheezie, Sarah, and now you!! I mean, is it so selfish and stupid to still be in love with you?!!"
It grew silent in the kitchen before he began to laugh bitterly. He found this very ridiculous. He peeled off all the layers and felt bare in front of her once again. But he knew at the end of the day, she'd pick anyone over him. Again.
"Am I really that unlovable?"
Kiara blinked at that. She didn't know if he was trying to manipulate her, to make her feel guilty, to lure her back in. Or if he were telling the truth. The unease was evident, for the both of them. And that made her feel guilty inside. To feel this way for a man she married five years ago. But the walls visibly began to rebuild.
"Sleep on the couch, the driveway, I don't give a shit," Rafe stormed out of the kitchen, rushing upstairs and slamming his bedroom door shut once he was inside.
Kiara stood there frozen as the tears finally rolled down her cheeks again tonight. The safest place for her to cry was by herself.
The words echoed in her head. Am I really that unlovable? Of course not. She contemplated whether to go upstairs now and apologize, or to avoid him.
Four knocks came from Rafe's bedroom door. He was in the process of trying not to tear the buttons off his button-up shirt. The door opened, and Kiara came in, guilt written on her face. "What? You finally got the balls to say something to me?"
"Rafe..." She let out a slow exhale before walking up towards him, swatting his hands away from his shirt, and took over. "You're not unlovable, lets get that cleared up. If you were unlovable, I wouldn't have married you,"
He mumbled under his breath. "You still pushed for the annulment," Clearly, he was still holding onto that, holding onto his grudge.
"Because I didn't like who I was with you, didn't you ever see that?"
The shirt was fully unbuttoned but neither one of them backed away.
"I felt like I was isolated and you were everywhere. I loved you—and I still do but... I wasn't in contact with the pogues and Sarah," She locked eyes with him, the familiar look of weariness on her face. Rafe noticed she looks like that when she get vulnerable.
"Communication is a two way street, Kie. It's not a coincidence that they started talking to you again after the annulment. After they assumed our 'causal' relationship ended," It wasn't a secret that the pogues weren't thrilled about what was going on between the two. They both knew it.
She didn't say anything. Her eyes wandered away from his now open shirt. She had seen his body countless times, but she needed to ignore the familiar feelings bubbling up. "Please don't make me sleep in the driveway,"
A soft and low chuckle came from Rafe before placing his hands on her hips. "You really thought I'd let you sleep in the driveway? Even the couch? I'm an asshole but not a monster, Kie,"
She took a sharp inhale from his touch before nodding. "Rafe," She warned him. He was crossing a line.
"What? You're here. Not at the condo, probably walking passed his passed out ass. Alone. Upset," His hands traveled up her exposed back. The contrast between his calloused hands and her smooth back gave her goosebumps. He began pulling the bobby pins from her hair, which soon fell over her shoulders and back.
"I feel like sleeping in the same bed isn't a good idea," The feeling of his fingers massaging her scalp, made her closer her eyes. Soon, she felt his lips on her neck, finding the spot that made her squirm within seconds. So familiar.
"You can wear my clothes to sleep. I know how much you like to wear em," His lips trailed down towards her shoulder before grabbing the fabric that went behind her neck, holding the dress up, over her head, allowing it to loosen.
"We...we can't," Her body wanted to give in. Her heart wanted to give in. But her brain, her defiant brain was holding back.
"Nobody has to know. Nobody comes here anyway," Not since he's been living in the house meant for him and Sofia. The relationship didn't work out, but he still stayed in the house. It was either there or here, the haunted mansion.
It didn't take long for clothes to be scattered on the bedroom floor, shoes kicked off randomly and the sheets on the bed scrunched up. He took his time on her, kissing every square inch of skin on her for lost time. And she allowed it, pushing away walls and thoughts of her current boyfriend.
When his face went between her legs, his tongue and jaw moved like a starved man. His grip on her hips tightened before rolling onto his back, bringing her sitting on top."Rafe! Wait no, I don't—"
"If I suffocate, it would be the best way out like this. But to give you comfort, I'll let you know," Not a second was wasted before he got back to it. He grabbed her hips and pulled her down with a bit of force.
She let out a yelp before slowly accepting it. Her gaze went down and she could've came right there. The sight of him underneath, but still between her legs was one hell of a sight. Slowly, she began rolling her hips and tilting her head back. Moans echoed in the room, encouragement for him to push her over the edge. It's been a while since that spot, the kind if spot thats hard to reach, has been scratched.
Her moans grew louder, thighs shook, face scrunching up before her walls spasmed over nothing inside. But the warmth spread all over her body. The feeling and sound of his slurps helped ride out the orgasm.
She moved down until her body was fully against his. "Don't do that ever again...without my permission,"
Laughter engulfed from both of them. It sent deja vu through the both of them. A simular moment happened on their 'honeymoon' if they could even consider that time an actual honeymoon.
He encouraged her to move her body as he sat up. She sat on his lap, his chest against her back, and he slowly slid inside of her. Panted breaths came from his end while a long moan came from hers.
His thrusts from below were slow, smooth, which made this pretty intimate. She grinded her hips to match his thrusts, soft moans escaped without control. His left arm ran across her chest, but managed to keep hold on one of her breasts while his right hand slid down. His fingers found her clit, and he began to firmly rub circles.
Kiara gasped, throwing her head back to his shoulder. He began planting more wet kisses on her shoulder, leading up to her neck, before capturing her lips into a messy kiss. He shoved his tongue in her mouth, both moaning from his actions.
"You know how to touch me," She murmered against his lips. Her walls clenched slightly around his cock, beginning to feel the knot building.
"Yeah? You like that? Tell me you like it—no, tell me you love it," He began circling faster, his grip on her breast tightening. He was close too.
"I love it... a lot," She choked out, squeezing her eyes shut. Her skin glistened with sweat at this point. Her hips began grinding faster while his thrusts got sharper.
"I love you," He grunted, feeling his release coming. He wanted her to come first.
"I love you," A gasped came from her as her walls clamped around his cock. That moment of ecstasy and euphoria washed over her. The feeling of warmth spread over her body, along with inside as well.
Rafe's body was tense, eyes squeezed shut and his teeth biting her skin, but not in a way that would genuinely hurt her. It would just itch that darker or suppressed part of her.
A few moments passed, filled with gasps for air and lazy chuckles. Rafe was fully laying down on his mattress and he pulled Kiara in, spooning her. "You make everything go quiet... I'm greatful that you're in my life, believe me or not," His fingertips lightly grazed up and down her hip and thigh.
The familiar feeling was so much. He felt at peace for the first time in a long time. The deja vu, the feeling of being able to be himself instead of hiding.
The familiar feeling was too much. She felt guilty for betraying not only JJ but the pogues as well. She felt guilty for giving Rafe false hopes. She didn't recognize herself. She touched the darker part or herself, the part she had always avoided for the sake of her friends.