Chapter Text
"You cannot play it."
They do. And it takes Marshall much too long to realise this was really never okay with Barney.
Not just an embarassing memory- an almost repressed one.
Such a drastic change.
What happened?
He's got a hand on Barney's shoulder- he can feel the way his shoulders suddenly hunch, the way he starts shaking, just a little bit.
"Barney-?" Marshall takes his hand off, hovers, grips his friend's shoulder again.
He's not sure what to do.
"Take it out, please-" And Marshall blinks, speechless in the face of Barney's suddenly hoarse, pleading voice.
"Alright, okay," Ted pauses it on a shot of young-Barney's face, turns back to them, eyes wide. Barney's been upset before, sure. Anxious. Angry.
But never. . . this.
He's gripping the couch cushion, knuckles white with the effort.
"Hey, hey-" Marshall keeps his voice soft, moving to squeeze both his friend's shoulders.
He very vaguely remembers getting like this when he'd get way too high back in college. But it was so long ago, and way too fuzzy. And Barney was definitely not high.
Barney shakes his head, tries to shrug Marshall's hands off, seems to lose his will concerningly quickly.
"Don't- you can't-" he wheezes, eyes squeezing shut and shaking his head weakly.
"I'll get some water," Lily volunteers, calm. Marshall's convinced she might have a better handle on this right now than any of them every will.
"'M. . . 'm fine," Barney protests, even as his throat catches on another hitching breath, in and out.
"You're not breathing, Barney," Robin points out, face tight in worry. "You're clearly not fine."
Barney huffs out a shaking breath, shudders hard, and scuffs his shoes against the floor as hard as he can.
"I'm sorry I made you do that," Lily says when she returns, carefully putting the glass on the coffee table. "I had no idea you would react like this."
"I didn't want to you guys to-" he gasps, head dipping low like it's getting too heavy to hold up. "-to see that. I didn't want to-"
"I know," Lily says, soft and sad. "I'm so sorry, Barney."
"We should talk about this, later," Ted says, and Barney swallows hard, squeezing his eyes shut tighter, and shakes his head almost frantically.
"Buddy-"
"No, no, I- I can't-" he tries, cuts himself off with more shudders and wheezing puffs of air. "I can't do it, I won't-"
"We should," Lily agrees, nudging Marshall until she can sit in front of Barney, gently prompts their friend until he lets her take his hands. "But not right now. I don't even want you to think about that right now, okay?"
Barney grips Lily's hands but leans away, like he can't decide whether he wants her there or not. His hands tremble badly enough that her own start to shake.
"Can you tell me what colour shirt Ted's wearing?" Lily prompts.
His brow furrows at the question, but he peeks an eye open, warily glancing over at Ted. Ted tries to stay still and look as non-threatening as possible.
"Um. Blue?" Barney tells her shakily.
"Mhm, and what colour is this couch?"
". . . Brown?" he murmurs, uncertain.
"Yep! Can you tell me what floor we're on?"
"S-second?"
"Right," Lily smiles gently. "And what's the thing Ted uses to play music?"
". . . Uhmm," Barney closes his eyes again, trying to concentrate, but it only serves to shove him back to square one, because now-
"I-I don'- I can'- Lily-"
-Marshall feels his heart stutter, his stomach twisting-
Barney is crying, sobbing, fat tears rolling down his face and this frantic look in his eye that Marshall can't bring himself to tear his eyes from. He shakes harder, grips Lily's hands like he's about to float up into space.
"Okay, honey- you're okay, you're alright," Lily reassures, that soft, sad look on her face again. "Can you try to take some deep breaths for me?"
He tries, accidentally holds it too long, stutters out a gasping exhale when he goes to let it out. His leg is bouncing like crazy.
"Ted, can you get that stress ball you have?" Lily asks, and before any of them can blink, he's up and getting it out of one of the end tables. He hands it to Lily, who gently presses it into one of Barney's hands.
"Keep taking those big breaths, Barney. Take all the time you need," Lily soothes.
He grips the ball, makes the old seams pop and crack a little. He grips Lily's hand, too, and the colour slowly starts to seep back into them.
"Would this help?" Marshall asks, worried. He's holding up a blanket, catching Barney's fleeting gaze. Barney breathes in, shaky but not nearly as quick as before, and nods. It's small, hesitant, slow- but Marshall smiles, relieved.
Lily carefully tucks it around him, letting him grip her knee as she does.
"Sorry," he mumbles after some time, when he's able to breathe, mostly, normally again.
"Nothin' to be sorry for, Barney," Lily tells him, smiling softly. She rubs up and down his arm, and he relaxes, shaking hands releasing the stress ball.
"Does that happen a lot?" Lily asks him later, when Victoria's gone and the game cleared away. She put the tape back in her purse for safekeeping- just in case they actually do talk about it later.
Barney heaves a sigh, sipping from the water Lily'd handed him.
"Sometimes," he admits softly.
"A lot?" Ted pushes.
Barney swallows, looks away. Shrugs.
"Can you tell us next time?" Robin asks, voice small.
"Why?" Barney asks, suddenly engrosses in his slacks- and somewhere in there Lily sees a genuine plea. "I'm not. . . awesome. . . when that happens. You guys shouldn't have to see stuff like that."
"Barney," Marshall butts in, putting a hand on Barney's shoulder and squeezing. "You're bold, and ridiculous, and you always do stuff that's completely uncalled for. And we love you because of those things. And- we love you- even when you aren't any of those things. Okay?"
Barney's eyes get abruptly bright, and he huffs out a shaky breath, wet with tears. He averts his gaze, picking at invisible threads on his slacks.
"Hey," Marshall chases his gaze until Barney meets it, and he fixes his friend with as intense seriousness as he can. "Okay?"
Barney flits his gaze away, just for a moment, before locking gazes with him again.
He nods, hesitant, looks down again, his face flushing a little as his leg starts to bounce a little.
"Okay." It's hoarse and trembling and terrified, but it's there, and Marshall could not be more grateful.