Work Text:
OPERATION BLUEBIRD
Written by
Kiwinator Waffles
Story by
Kiwinator Waffles & Sky Cherry
FADE IN:
INT. BLU BASE - CLINIC - DAY
A cluttered yet orderly clinic. BLU MEDIC stands in front of a cabinet, silently sorting bottles of chemicals. A song-like chirp announces the presence of a bluebird, which flies into the room and lands on a table next to BLU Medic.
As the bird sings, BLU Medic smiles fondly and reaches forward with a finger to ruffle its feathers.
BLU ENGINEER (O.S.)
Doc! Are you ready?
BLU Medic jostles, startling the bird. He then makes an apologetic motion with his hands, although the bird hardly seems to mind after the initial shock.
He glances back at the door before grabbing his backpack and slinging it over his shoulders. He offers the bluebird a little wave before rushing to the door, exiting the room.
The bluebird chirps one more time before taking off as well, leaving an empty clinic where we cut to:
OPERATION BLUEBIRD
EXT. UPWARD - CHECKPOINT C - DAY
A familiar commotion of GUNSHOTS and YELLING fills the battlefield. The BLU TEAM has cleared out a path and are now rushing to the payload cart with considerable haste.
BLU DEMOMAN
All hands on the cart, lads!
BLU all gather at the cart and begin pushing. Sparks fly off where the wheels come in contact with the rails.
BLU Scout leaps on top of the cart like the showoff he is and starts directing the team by frantically pointing his scattergun down the tracks.
BLU SCOUT
Go, go, go!
NOTE: All dialogue written completely in italics only appears when the captions are turned on.
BLU PYRO
(muffled)
How about you help us push instead of standing up there like a moron?
BLU SCOUT
Hey, my presence alone is enough motivation! Chop chop!
BLU Medic, unlike BLU Scout, is actually being helpful and pushes the cart, despite visibly struggling with sweat rolling down his face.
As the cart turns out into an open space, the BEEPING of a RED SENTRY alerts the team before breaking into an open fire. The RED sentry’s bullets whizz through the air and hit BLU Soldier and BLU Heavy at the front of the cart.
A blast of FIRE also reveals the RED PYRO, who torches the BLU Engineer.
BLU ENGINEER
(distressed)
Fire!
BLU Medic promptly holds up his MEDI GUN and begins healing his injured teammates, until more GUNSHOTS fire from behind, downing BLU Sniper right next to him. Of course, it’s RED SCOUT at the flank, smugly reloading after his diabolical meatshots.
BLU SOLDIER
There’s too many of them! Retreat, men!
BLU Pyro manages to light RED Scout on fire with her flamethrower before he can get a shot at BLU Medic.
RED SCOUT
(scampering away)
Augh! I’m burnin’!
Meanwhile, the rest of the BLU Team abandons the cart in retreat. BLU Engineer picks up his dispenser while BLU Spy cloaks. Somewhere off-screen, RED Scout screams dramatically as he presumably dies.
BLU SCOUT
(motioning with hand)
Follow me, Doc!
BLU Medic connects his healing beam to BLU Scout, matching his speed as BLU Scout zooms forward like a taxi.
BLU Scout leads BLU Medic through a room, away from most of the team. This would be a pretty good escape route to take, if they weren’t immediately jumpscared by RED MEDIC when they exit onto the platforms overlooking the cliff edge.
RED Medic, in all of his scary maniacal doctor glory, still gasps with surprise upon spotting the two BLUs –- though he is much more prepared than they are.
RED Medic whips out his Übersaw and stabs it right into BLU Scout’s stomach! As he yanks the saw back out, BLU Scout GASPS and stumbles, giving RED Medic another opening to stab him again. This fills his Übercharge meter enough for him to panic pop and shove BLU Scout off the platform, where he falls out of sight.
BLU Medic pulls out his syringe gun and attempts to shoot RED Medic, though the needles pathetically bounce off his invulnerable form. The two Medics stand awkwardly for a few seconds. Neither of them expected this, and neither of them know what to do.
Until RED Medic finally decides to put his invulnerability to use and yanks a tranquilizer out of his belt to stab BLU Medic on the back. BLU Medic collapses into a face-plant right as RED Medic’s Übercharge fizzles out.
RED MEDIC
Hm… this was not in the plan.
He shrugs nonchalantly.
RED MEDIC (CONT’D)
Well, that’s convenient! I’ve always wanted to study our enemies closely!
RED Medic raises his head, looking towards the RED spawn room…
INT. RED SPAWN ROOM - DAY
RED Scout stumbles out of RESPAWN, a small machine situated in the back of the room with a modified teleporter inside. He frantically feels his face and chest. When he finds all his vitals intact, he sighs with relief and relaxes his shoulders.
The doors suddenly slide open, cutting RED Scout’s moment of relief tragically short. RED Medic stands at the entrance with BLU Medic slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and a wide grin stretching across his face.
RED MEDIC
Hallo Kameraden! Could I get some rope, bitte?
RED SCOUT
(jumping up)
AAAAAAHHH!
RED Medic rolls his eyes.
RED MEDIC (CON’T)
Oh, don’t be such a baby, Herr Scout. We take prisoners in this line of work sometimes.
RED SCOUT
You’re a MEDIC in your line of work, you HEAL PEOPLE -- actually, why am I arguing with you about this?
RED MEDIC
(dropping the joviality)
Good. Stop arguing and help me.
RED Scout gulps nervously.
CUT TO:
RED Medic slams a locker door shut and cheerily skips out of the base as if nothing happened, leaving RED Scout staring at the locker.
RED ENGINEER enters the room to restock his metal supply, followed by RED SOLDIER coming in to retrieve more ammo.
RED SCOUT
I think I just got flashbacks to a middle school bully.
RED ENGINEER
Medic? Son, he’s old enough to have been your teacher.
RED SOLDIER
HA! He would’ve bullied you anyway!
RED SCOUT
Yeah, whatever…
RED ENGINEER
By the way, what was all that ruckus about?
RED SCOUT
You don’t wanna know.
RED Engineer and RED Soldier exchange a glance before heading out of the base to do whatever they were about to do earlier. RED Scout looks back at the locker nervously one more time before running after them. The door slides shut ominously behind him.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. RED SPAWN ROOM - LATER
SUPER: “AFTER THE MATCH”
Celebratory LAUGHTER and CHATTER fills the space around the base.
INT. RED SPAWN ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The RED Team, minus RED Medic, happily stride in through the door, chatting happily in a post-battle-winning fashion.
RED DEMOMAN
That was quite the match, eh?
RED ENGINEER
They just fell apart after our pushback!
RED SPY
Don’t get too full of yourselves, now. If Scout keeps sending himself to Respawn like that, the Administrator will cut it out of our pay…
Everybody suddenly stops in their tracks at the sight of something off-screen, faces lined with a mix of confusion and horror.
RED SPY (CONT’D)
…checks.
RED SCOUT
Hey, c’mon. As if you didn’t also get grilled by their Pyro –-
He bumps into RED Heavy’s back.
RED SCOUT
Ow –- what’s the big idea?! What are we stoppin’ for…
His eyes widen upon noticing the (still off-screen) sight ahead, matching the shock on his teammates’ faces.
RED SCOUT (CONT’D)
Oh… right.
INT. BLU SPAWN ROOM - SAME
BLU Engineer paces around the room, in front of a map of Upward. He chews the end of a pencil, decimating the poor eraser with his anxious gnawing. The rest of BLU, minus BLU Medic, surrounds him, exchanging silent looks of worry.
BLU ENGINEER
He surely would’ve heard the match end by now.
BLU Engineer whips around to face his team.
BLU ENGINEER (CONT’D)
Which one of y’all was with him last?
BLU DEMO
He was with us when we were about to capture the third point!
BLU SPY
And then RED pushed us back. We all split off.
BLU SCOUT
Yeah, he followed me! I told him to match my speed!
BLU HEAVY
Where did doctor go after?
BLU SCOUT
Crap. I don’t know… Their Medic bone-sawed me off the ledge.
The pencil snaps in BLU Engineer’s mouth.
BLU ENGINEER
Did anyone see him after our retreat?
The BLU Team all look at each other.
BLU SNIPER
Y’know, I felt there was a lack of healing near the end…
BLU SOLDIER
He didn’t respond to my calls…
BLU PYRO
(muffled)
Uh oh. This doesn’t sound good.
BLU Engineer points at BLU Scout with his broken pencil.
BLU ENGINEER
Scout. You were sent to Respawn, right?
BLU SCOUT
(pointing to a scar on his lower neck)
Yup. That fall hurt.
BLU ENGINEER
If the RED Medic also killed our Medic, he would’ve come outta Respawn around the same time as you.
BLU SCOUT
Yeah. So where’d he go? Do we have another Respawn, or somethin’?
BLU Engineer stops pacing.
BLU ENGINEER
Son, I don’t think he was killed.
BLU Scout stares at him for a second before his jaw drops.
BLU SCOUT
Oh, FU--
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. RED SPAWN ROOM - SAME
RED Medic drags a tied-up, unconscious BLU Medic out of the locker. Upon noticing the rest of his team is watching him, he waves at them cheerily.
RED SOLDIER
(holding out hands)
HOLD IT. DON’T MOVE. IT’S OKAY. I will help you hide the body!
RED MEDIC
Nein, nein, there is no need for that. I could use some help carrying it, though!
As if on cue, RED Medic stumbles, and BLU Medic’s limp body falls into RED Demoman’s hands.
RED DEMOMAN
AAAAUGHHH!
INT. BLU SPAWN ROOM - SAME
BLU SPY
So their Medic has our Medic, which is concerning. To put it bluntly, the RED Medic is a maniac.
BLU DEMOMAN
Ack! He’s the worst guy to be kidnapped by!
While the rest of BLU anxiously chatters, BLU Engineer turns his attention to the map on the wall.
BLU HEAVY (O.S.)
We need to find him fast. We must go to RED base.
BLU Engineer stares harder at the map. His eyes trail along the path from Checkpoint C to the RED base.
BLU SPY (O.S.)
They couldn’t have done much to him yet. The match has barely ended.
His eyes dart around the map fruitlessly. He continues to trace the map with his increasingly frantic eyes as the talking turns to MUFFLES around him. The lines of the map squirm mockingly, and RED Medic’s maniacal laughter trickles in…
BLU SCOUT (O.S.)
…gie? Engie? Engineer!
BLU Engineer snaps back to reality with a slap to his face from BLU Scout.
BLU SCOUT
(without pauses)
Look man, I know you’re worried, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have taken that path, but we ain’t gonna find him if we just stare into the wall!
BLU ENGINEER
(waving aggressively with one hand while rubbing his cheek with the other)
Alright, alright! Stop yellin’! Someone get a whiteboard!
INT. RED SPAWN ROOM - SAME
A very distressed RED Demoman holds BLU Medic in his arms as the rest of the team stands around the room.
RED SNIPER
…Why?
RED MEDIC
Why what?
RED Sniper throws up his hands in disbelieving defeat.
RED HEAVY
Why did you do this, doctor?
RED MEDIC
Heh heh, I have no idea! But I’ve always wanted to study their Medic, so it was the perfect opportunity!
RED SCOUT
(mumbling)
BLU ain’t gonna have a Medic anymore if this “studying” is like anything you did to me…
RED Engineer stands uncharacteristically quietly at the edge of the group, inspecting BLU Medic.
RED SPY (O.S.)
Well, what do you plan to do with him?
RED MEDIC (O.S.)
Hmm, I’ll have to figure that out.
RED Engineer stares harder at BLU Medic’s face, glancing back and forth between him and RED Medic. His gaze lingers for a second on a faded scar across BLU Medic’s throat.
RED DEMOMAN (O.S.)
Can you figure it out faster? Before he wakes up?
RED MEDIC (O.S.)
Ja, ja. The tranquilizer should have… Eins, zwei -- ooh, we do not have long. He should be waking up any minute now.
BLU Medic shifts as RED Engineer watches him. RED Demoman SCREAMS again.
RED SOLDIER
Come on, men! We must make our way to the incinerator!
RED MEDIC
Ach, how will I study his ashes? Take him to the clinic.
RED SOLDIER
To the clinic!
RED Soldier marches up to RED Demoman, and the two tag-team manhandling BLU Medic over to the clinic. As BLU Medic passes by, RED Engineer catches another glimpse of his face.
INT. RED BASE - CLINIC - DAY
The clinic is a sterile room despite the concerning amount of blood stains peeking out from various cracks in the floor and cabinets.
An operating table sits at the center of the room with the Medi Gun hanging over it. Next to the table is a rolling cart full of various medical supplies.
BLU Medic groggily opens his eyes to the immediate sight of RED Medic, backlit by the cold fluorescent light above, looming before him with a wide, freaky smile.
He attempts to lunge forward and attack but quickly finds that his limbs have been strapped to the operating table.
RED MEDIC
(cheerily)
Hallo! I--
BLU Medic immediately adapts to the situation by attempting to bite RED Medic instead. Obviously, he fails, but he manages to look as intimidating as one can when immobile.
RED MEDIC
Rude!
BLU Medic bares his teeth and motions his eyes down towards his right hand. RED Medic looks at where he’s directing and sees his hand formed into a middle finger.
RED MEDIC
Well, that’s not very nice, is it?
BLU Medic glares.
RED MEDIC
Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt you! Excuse the operating table; this is just how I do my best work.
BLU Medic squints, clearly not believing RED Medic. Who can blame him?
A staunch silence passes between them for 30 seconds (but for the sake of the script, let’s just say 10 seconds).
RED MEDIC
Hm. You are not very talkative.
BLU Medic sticks out his tongue.
VIEWING ROOM --
The other RED mercenaries watch the two doctors, piled up like a pack of dogs behind the glass panel.
RED DEMOMAN
I was expectin’ some guts out by now.
RED SCOUT
Yeah. I’m bored.
RED SOLDIER
He doesn’t know how to kidnap people! A real expert would have more tools and a solid goal.
RED SPY
Are you speaking from experience?
RED SOLDIER
There is no one more skilled at being held hostage than me.
RED Engineer shoos a few of his teammates aside and takes the microphone on the control board.
RED ENGINEER
Simmer down, folks.
INTERCUT CLINIC AND VIEWING ROOM
RED MEDIC
Perhaps I should’ve captured the Demoman. He seems like he could be bribed with a bag of poker chips.
A speaker crackles off-screen.
RED ENGINEER (V.O.)
Doc, have you asked him any questions yet?
RED MEDIC
Oh! Hehe, I forgot! I was too excited.
RED SCOUT
He had questions? I thought he just wanted to cut that guy up.
RED MEDIC
That is for later!
RED Scout chokes in disbelief.
RED SCOUT
(into mic)
I didn’t even say that into the mic! How did you hear me?
RED MEDIC
(clicking tongue, to BLU Medic)
He’s just too predictable.
BLU Medic rolls his eyes.
RED MEDIC
Anyway, let’s get back on track.
(leaning forward)
I wanted to know: how did you develop your Übercharge? You managed to replicate my innovation the very week after I unveiled it!
He only receives silence and a stare from BLU Medic.
RED MEDIC
Wow! You really are not the talkative type.
BLU Medic sighs.
INT. BLU SPAWN ROOM - DAY
The BLU Team bustles with activity. A whiteboard with messy scrawls, diagrams, and the words “OPERATION BLUEBIRD” sits in the back of the room.
BLU Engineer points to two circled points on the diagram.
BLU ENGINEER
Scout. You will survey the entry points.
BLU SCOUT
Got it!
BLU ENGINEER
I’ll set up a teleporter inside, but I need someone to come with me.
BLU PYRO
(muffled, pointing to herself)
I’ll go.
(motioning towards BLU Spy)
You should also come.
BLU SPY
(nodding)
I shall survey the path.
BLU ENGINEER
Great. Heavy, Soldier, you all protect the entrances. Sniper, make sure nobody is entering from outside.
BLU DEMOMAN
When should Scout and I come in?
BLU ENGINEER
(holding up a comm device)
After we confirm the teleporter is set up.
(pointing to BLU Spy)
Once we’re all in, you make sure the path back out is clear.
The rest of the team nods and chatters in understanding.
BLU SPY
I understand. Gentlemen and Pyro, are we ready to move out?
The mercenaries of BLU all let out their war cries and pick up their weapons.
BLU HEAVY
Do not worry. We will find doctor. And break skulls if need to.
BLU Engineer forces a weak laugh.
BLU ENGINEER
I don’t even want to imagine what they’re doing to him right now…
INT. RED BASE - CLINIC - SAME
The kidnapping/interview/interrogation has not progressed since. RED Medic chummily props himself against the table.
RED MEDIC
Then I said, “ribs grow back,” and he believed me! Ha ha ha!
BLU Medic stares at him, unamused.
RED MEDIC
How many stories of my career do I need to tell before you answer my question?
BLU Medic responds with an eye roll and a sigh.
VIEWING ROOM --
RED Scout, now holding a container of popcorn in his hand, sits on the only swivel chair in the room with his legs on top of the control panel.
RED SCOUT
(mouth full)
Man, this is almost like a TV show.
RED Pyro grabs a handful of RED Scout’s popcorn and shoves it against their respirator. RED Scout aggressively pulls his popcorn away before they can get another handful.
RED SPY
This is going nowhere. I’ve been interrogated more harshly for less.
RED DEMOMAN
We should cut our losses before BLU realizes their Medic is gone.
RED SOLDIER
No! A true American never gives up. We will interrogate the BLU Medic!
RED SNIPER
“We?”
RED HEAVY
I agree with Demoman, but I do not think doctor will give up. He is… stubborn.
RED SCOUT
Guess all Medics are stubborn. That blue guy hasn’t said a word.
RED ENGINEER
I reckon there’s a different reason for that.
(speaking into mic)
Doc, I don’t think he talks.
INTERCUT CLINIC AND VIEWING ROOM
RED MEDIC
What? At all?
RED ENGINEER
Least from what I’ve heard.
RED SCOUT
From where?
The question catches RED Engineer off guard. He opens his mouth--
RED SPY
From my investigations, I’ve never heard him say a word.
RED ENGINEER
(slight stutter)
Y-Yeah, that. Not even when we’re fighting. No offense, Doc, but you hurl insults at us.
RED Medic contemplatively adjusts his glasses, squinting at BLU Medic. BLU Medic squints back.
RED MEDIC
(to BLU Medic)
Good point… You never announce your charge. I always had to rely on tracking your Übercharge myself.
RED DEMOMAN
(shocked)
So all those times you called for us to retreat during an Über push were just you guessin’?
RED MEDIC (O.S.)
Ja. And I was right, so you’d better be thankful.
RED Medic claps cheerfully and leans over BLU Medic once more. In response, BLU Medic cranes his neck away with contempt.
RED MEDIC
Alright, my BLU friend! Is this true? Do you speak at all?
BLU Medic tilts his head to the side ever-so-slightly and gives him an unimpressed look, almost as if to say, “what do you think?”
RED MEDIC
I suppose there is only one way to find out…
Without warning, RED Medic grabs a large, empty syringe off the medical rolling cart and violently stabs it into BLU Medic’s right arm.
BLU Medic’s face fittingly contorts with pain as his mouth snaps open -- but no sound comes out.
RED Scout chokes on his popcorn at the sight of Medic-on-Medic violence.
RED SOLDIER
He’s doing it! He is interrogating!
As BLU Medic takes a sharp breath through clenched teeth, RED Medic strokes his chin thoughtfully.
RED MEDIC
Ooh, I see. You really do not speak. Mein Fehler, Herr Doktor!
He plucks the syringe out and turns on the Medi Gun to heal BLU Medic.
RED Soldier slams his fist onto the panel in disbelief, which also causes RED Scout’s popcorn to spill over the surface.
RED SOLDIER
What was he thinking? You do not heal the enemy!
RED SPY
(re: Scout)
Who let him bring snacks again?
When the healing beam attaches to BLU Medic, he squirms uncomfortably for a second before settling back down. He keeps glaring at RED Medic the entire time.
After RED Medic turns off the Medi Gun, he places his hands on his hips and taps his foot pensively.
RED MEDIC
Well, this is a dilemma. You can’t talk to me in this state…
BLU Medic raises his eyebrows and motions his head down towards his hands. RED Medic follows the motion down, where he finds BLU Medic scratching at the straps on his wrists.
RED MEDIC
Oh, you want me to free you? Haha, nice try, but no!
BLU Medic does his best to sign a rude word with restrained hands. He apparently does it well enough, as RED Medic GASPS offendedly.
RED SCOUT
(scooping popcorn away)
Honestly? This makes me a little less scared of Medic.
RED SPY
Don’t push your luck.
EXT. RED BASE - NIGHT
The BLU team stands gathered before the enemy base as BLU Engineer scans their entry point, gripping his toolbox apprehensively. He clenches his teeth.
A gentle hand rests on his shoulder -- BLU Spy.
BLU SPY
(tipping hat)
Don’t worry, laborer. We will get him back safe.
BLU Engineer nods and turns to face the rest of the group.
BLU ENGINEER
We all ready, folks?
The rest of the team nods confidently.
BLU ENGINEER
Alright! Get in position!
INT. RED BASE - CLINIC - NIGHT
BLU Medic points to his right hand as best as he can with his left hand.
RED MEDIC
Only one hand? I suppose it can’t hurt.
As RED Medic begins to free up the strap binding BLU Medic’s right hand, a smirk forms on BLU Medic’s face.
EXT. RED BASE - SAME
BLU Scout circles around the base briefly before stopping at a spot in front of a fenced-off entrance.
He tests the height of a piece of rock jutting out from the floor before using it to spring himself over the fence, landing lightly on his feet. He then unlocks the gate from inside and motions the rest of the team in.
INT. RED BASE - CLINIC
BLU Medic’s eyes narrow as RED Medic works on the strap.
MATCH CUT TO:
EXT. RED BASE - BACK DOOR
Close-in on the BLU Team exchanging looks of determination like soldiers going into war (they are).
INT. RED BASE - CLINIC
As soon as the leather strap comes off, BLU Medic grabs RED Medic’s tie and yanks it down. RED Medic’s forehead SLAMS against the side of the operating table!
MATCH CUT TO:
INT. RED BASE - HALLWAY
BLU Engineer drops his Level 3 teleporter and starts deploying it. BLU Pyro guards him, holding out her flamethrower menacingly, while BLU Spy fancily flips open his butterfly knife and cloaks.
INTERCUT CLINIC, VIEWING ROOM, AND HALLWAY
RED Medic curses in German, stumbling backwards and away from the operating table.
Taking advantage of his enemy’s disorientation, BLU Medic hastily rips the straps off his other limbs. He frees his hand but only manages to get his left foot out before RED Medic recovers enough to realize what’s happening.
RED Medic attempts to lunge for the tools on the rolling cart, but BLU Medic blocks his way by swerving the operating table around. However, with his right foot still bound, he loses balance and nearly trips. It gives RED Medic enough time to knock his bonesaw off the cart.
This development shakes up the rest of the RED mercenaries in the viewing area as they all clamor around to get out of the room. Thank god for some much-needed action.
RED SPY
Why did I anticipate this exact scenario occurring?
RED SOLDIER
Because he didn’t practice professional interrogation techniques!
RED HEAVY
Shut mouths! Doctor need help!
BLU Medic grabs whatever he can reach on the rolling cart -- bandages, bottles, trays, etc -- and chucks them at RED Medic, who dodges the attacks with about a 60% accuracy (no thanks to his head getting slammed).
By now, BLU Engineer has finished deploying the teleporter.
BLU SPY
(decloaking)
The coast is clear.
BLU ENGINEER
Alright.
(into the comms)
Come in!
RED Medic manages to grab his bonesaw and swings it at his opponent. The toothy blade catches on BLU Medic’s coattails, slashing the fabric. He swings again, and this time, it manages to catch BLU Medic’s cheek. A drop of blood forms at the cut.
BLU Medic hastily wipes the blood on his sleeve and blindly claws around for anything he can use -- landing on a scalpel. He grabs it.
BLU Scout springs off the teleporter, followed by BLU Demoman. BLU Engineer motions forward, and the others follow, aside from BLU Spy, who slips back into the shadows.
RED Medic swipes his saw again, and BLU Medic swerves just in time for the saw to cut the final strap loose. With all limbs free, BLU Medic kicks the saw out of RED Medic’s hand and swings around to grapple him.
In retaliation, RED Medic knees BLU Medic in the crotch. It garners a much smaller reaction than what typically happens when a man gets kicked in his family jewels.
RED Medic’s eyes widen with surprise and interest.
RED Medic
Oh! You are --
The rest of the RED Team bursting into the clinic interrupts the rest of RED Medic’s comment.
On cue, BLU Medic holds his scalpel up to RED Medic’s neck. The others freeze. They can tell he’s not playing around.
BLU Engineer, BLU Pyro, BLU Scout, and BLU Demoman stand at the door, weapons ready, teleporter stationed closely behind them. BLU Demoman places a hand on the handle and looks over at his teammates. They exchange nods.
RED Medic laughs, a slight nervousness trickling into his voice. A drop of sweat rolls down his face. Otherwise, he doesn’t move a muscle.
RED MEDIC
I must admit: that was quite an impressive feat!
BLU Medic lets out a puff of air from his nose in response. He then points to the exit sign and motions to the knife against RED Medic’s neck.
RED SCOUT
(clearly nervous)
Y’know he’ll just get sent to Respawn, right?
A wry smile curls on BLU Medic’s lips as he rubs his fingers to signify “money.”
RED DEMOMAN
What is he -- och, wait, he’s right… revival costs a pretty penny.
RED SPY
Which will come straight out of our paychecks.
RED SCOUT
Pshh, do you really think we care about that?
BLU Medic holds the blade closer.
RED SCOUT
‘Cause you’re right.
(holding hands up)
Guys, let’s not touch him.
The other RED mercenaries cautiously take a step back, and BLU Medic starts to move backwards towards the door.
Tension fills every step. The blade hovers a hair’s width away from RED Medic’s neck.
The RED mercenaries watch with baited breath, prepared to make a move in case anything goes awry.
RED Medic is unnaturally quiet. All he shows on his face is a stilted, toothy smile as he follows BLU Medic’s lead with his palms raised.
BLU Medic is only a few feet away from the exit before the doors SLAM open, revealing BLU Engineer, BLU Scout, BLU Pyro, and BLU Demoman.
BLU ENGINEER
Doc! Over here!
The rest of the RED Team holds up their weapons. The invading BLU mercenaries respond by pointing their weapons at RED Medic.
RED Soldier points his rocket launcher at the BLU mercenaries, though BLU Pyro reminds him of his disadvantage by firing a warning airblast from her flamethrower.
RED SCOUT
Aw crap, why’d he have to bring the squad?
BLU SCOUT
You kidnapped our Medic? Of course we came to help! You’d do the same if we took one of you, right?
RED Scout pauses for a second to genuinely consider the question until he notices RED Medic glaring daggers at him.
RED SCOUT
Uh, yeah. I guess. But technically, I only helped kidnap your Medic.
BLU Pyro facepalms.
RED SNIPER
(under breath)
I knew this was a shit idea.
RED SCOUT
Why didn’t you say anything, smart guy?
RED SNIPER
…I wanted to see what would happen.
RED SPY
I hope you’re enjoying the show, bushman.
RED Engineer stamps his foot.
RED ENGINEER
Enough yammerin’!
He takes a step forward, shifting his weapon into a neutral stance as a show of non-aggression.
RED SOLDIER
What are you doing?
RED ENGINEER
(to BLU)
Take your Medic. Just release ours, got it?
BLU Medic’s face softens ever-so-slightly, though he keeps his grip on RED Medic. The other BLU mercenaries exchange glances.
RED Engineer holds his breath in anticipation. The other RED mercenaries whisper behind him.
RED ENGINEER
(to RED, in a low voice)
Don’t fuck this up.
RED Spy raises his eyebrows. RED Scout gulps.
Finally, BLU Medic nods and releases RED Medic with a shove. RED Medic stumbles forward, clutching his own neck with a sharp gasp.
When RED Medic turns around, the first thing he sees is BLU Medic moving his hands with a smirk as he steps onto the teleporter.
NOTE: All of BLU Medic’s dialogue is in German Sign Language.
BLU MEDIC
So long, Schweinehund!
As BLU Medic teleports away, BLU Pyro and BLU Demoman pull the doors shut. Their footsteps retreat as the teleporter gets picked up.
RED Medic stares at the closed door for a second before a wry smile creeps up on his face.
RED MEDIC
Well, that was interesting.
The RED Team take this as a cue to drop their stances, rushing over to surround RED Medic.
RED HEAVY
Is doctor alright?
RED MEDIC
(rubbing his forehead)
Never better, my friend.
He wipes his hands against his pants.
RED MEDIC (CONT’D)
But this only makes me want to study him even more!
RED DEMOMAN
Oh god, no.
RED SPY
What exactly did you find so interesting in this disaster?
RED MEDIC
Nobody has managed to bruise my ego like this before. He also made some pretty rude gestures.
(he sighs)
What was he being so dramatic for? I didn’t even cut him open. Next time, I’ll jump straight to that.
RED SCOUT
Next time?!
RED SOLDIER
Next time, you need better interrogation tactics!
RED Medic cackles.
EXT. RED BASE - NIGHT
BLU Heavy, BLU Sniper, and BLU Soldier wait outside the base anxiously, keeping watch of the entrance. The teleporter lights up, directing their attention towards it, as BLU Medic appears before them.
BLU HEAVY
Doctor!
BLU Medic waves sheepishly.
BLU SOLDIER
You’re safe! Did you show those RED scum hell?
BLU Medic grins proudly.
BLU SOLDIER
Heh. We shouldn’t expect any less from you.
The RED base back door rattles and bursts open with BLU Engineer carrying the teleporter, followed by BLU Pyro, BLU Demoman, BLU Scout, and BLU Spy.
BLU SCOUT
WOO! Operation successful!
BLU Medic smiles and approaches the returning mercenaries, bowing to show his gratitude.
BLU ENGINEER
Aw, there’s no need for that. We’re just glad to have you back.
BLU DEMOMAN
You would do the same for us, lad!
BLU Medic continues grinning, pausing for a moment of consideration, and then extends his arms.
The rest of BLU piles in for a hug (BLU Spy and BLU Sniper hesitate for a moment before joining). It’s one big, blue bonding moment.
BLU Spy is the first to release the hug.
BLU SPY
We are not out of the woods yet, gentlemen. Let’s get to the base first.
INT. RED BASE - CLINIC - NIGHT
The RED Team stands in a circle around RED Medic, who surveys his beat-up operating table while tapping his foot restlessly.
RED MEDIC
I never learned how he replicated my Übercharge. Perhaps I need to be harsher next time.
RED SCOUT
Why do you keep saying “next time?” Why are you so freakin’ obsessed with him?
RED MEDIC
Come on, now. Don’t tell me you never wonder what the BLU Scout is like.
RED SCOUT
I don’t need to wonder. ‘Cause he’s a dickhead and I hope he falls off a cliff.
RED HEAVY
What has BLU Scout done to you?
RED SCOUT
Exist. He has a stupid face.
RED SPY
You two look very much alike.
RED SNIPER
It’s just a little odd--
RED SCOUT
(jumping)
Jeez! Warn us when you start talking!
RED SNIPER (CONT’D)
This confirms that BLU looks a lot like us.
RED DEMOMAN
Yeah… you and the other Medic looked the same, but you acted completely differently.
RED MEDIC
Hmm. Now that I have gotten a look at him up close, I have to admit he shares a lot of my features.
RED ENGINEER
(mumbling)
Just as I thought…
RED MEDIC
What?
RED ENGINEER
Ah, nah, just thinkin’.
RED SCOUT
Not gonna lie, from the vibes, I’d rather have that guy be my doctor.
RED MEDIC
(cheerfully)
Say another word, and you won’t be needing doctors anymore!
RED SCOUT
I’m joking! That’s a joke! That’s a joke.
RED Medic starts chuckling darkly, pacing around the room until he straight up just walks out of the clinic, muttering schemingly to himself. The other mercenaries stay put, unsure of how to react.
RED SPY
I do not want to be here when he finds another victim.
He opens his pack of cigarettes, placing one in his mouth and lighting it.
RED SPY (CONT’D)
I would bid you gentlemen good night, but that would be a lie.
(taking a drag)
Ambivalent night to you all.
RED Spy cloaks and promptly disappears.
RED HEAVY
Heavy will make sure doctor is not planning world domination.
He takes his leave through the clinic door.
The other RED mercenaries look at each other and shrug. There’s not much left to do with the main attraction over, so they follow RED Heavy out the door.
RED Engineer lingers behind, taking one last look at the wrecked operation table. He brushes a finger lightly across his own neck.
RED ENGINEER
(quietly)
What’s your story, Doc?
RED Engineer then steps out of the room to join the others, shutting the door to the clinic.
INT. BLU BASE - NIGHT
The BLU mercenaries are gathered in the common room, surrounding BLU Medic like ants encircling a morsel of food.
BLU Heavy and BLU Spy check BLU Medic for wounds as BLU Sniper sits at the end of the table, mending the tears in BLU Medic’s lab coat.
BLU SPY
Are you hurt anywhere?
BLU Medic shakes his head.
BLU SCOUT
What’d they even do to you?
BLU Medic gestures vaguely.
BLU MEDIC
Not much. Their Medic tried to question me.
BLU SPY
He said not much happened, except that the RED Medic tried to question him. What for, may I ask?
BLU MEDIC
He wanted to know how I replicated the Übercharge.
(smirking)
Obviously, I had no way of telling him with my hands bound.
BLU SPY
(to the others)
The RED Medic tried interrogating him to learn how he replicated the Übercharge, but his hands were tied. Literally.
BLU DEMOMAN
HA! Serves that freak right!
BLU SOLDIER
Well, Doc, at least you’re safe. If he tries again next time, we’ll kick his ass back to Germany!
(mumbling)
Wait, is he German?
BLU SCOUT
I thought he was, but who knows? Ay Medic, you saw him closest. Is he?
BLU Medic sighs and nods tiredly.
BLU MEDIC
I don’t claim him.
BLU Spy snorts and chuckles.
BLU Engineer does not engage with the conversation, instead retreating to the corner of the room, poring over his own revival device -- a small, wristband-like piece of technology with a glimmering gold vial at the center.
His hands shake as he thumbs over the device, checking every piece, every wire.
BLU ENGINEER
(muttering to self)
Respawn is connected to our revival devices… What if it broke? What if we guessed wrong? Then Doc would be…
BLU Engineer raises his head to look for BLU Medic and finds him among the rest, surrounded by laughter and chatter. Even BLU Sniper has joined them, offering BLU Medic his mended coat.
Their faces reflect on BLU Engineer’s goggles.
MATCH CUT TO:
FLASHBACK - INT. THE ADMINISTRATOR'S OFFICE - NIGHT
The office is cold in every way imaginable. A gold shimmer -- Australium -- cuts through the harsh TV glow, reflecting off BLU Engineer’s goggles.
The ADMINISTRATOR, a ratchety old woman with an unknown agenda, holds out a small bar of Australium while carelessly flicking away the ashes of her cigarette.
ADMIN
One bar should be all you need to power the machine, according to your father’s research.
BLU Engineer takes the Australium gingerly, weighing it in his gloved hand.
BLU ENGINEER
And these… clones? What should I tell them when they form?
ADMIN
You don’t need to worry. Miss Pauling will handle the rest. Just make sure the machine runs.
BLU Engineer tips his hat and starts to turn away, until the Admin interrupts him.
ADMIN
Do not waste your time and resources on bonding with them. They are not people. They are simply here to fulfill a job, just like you. Understand, Mister Conagher?
BLU Engineer swallows nervously while glancing down at the bar of Australium. His face stares back.
BLU ENGINEER
…I understand.
BACK TO PRESENT DAY:
BLU Engineer holds the device in his hands. He looks back up at his teammates.
Despite the terrifying earlier events, BLU Medic still smiles, laughing silently with his teammates and basking in the others’ warmth. They are a family, despite everything he’s been told.
BLU Engineer tips his hat over his eyes and slinks into the shadows, slipping away from the common room.
BLU SCOUT
Seriously, Doc, hardhat here was sweatin’ bullets over you! He --
BLU Scout looks around for BLU Engineer and can’t find him.
BLU SCOUT (CONT’D)
Huh. I swear he was just here a second ago.
BLU Spy notices movement in the corner of his eye and glances at the doorway, catching a glimpse of BLU Engineer leaving. He breaks away from the group to peek down the hall, but BLU Engineer is gone.
A door SHUTS far off.
BLU SPY
(worriedly)
Oh, Engineer…
With no other option, BLU Spy returns to his team, his shadow disappearing into the light as we dissolve to:
INT. THE ADMINISTRATOR’S OFFICE - NIGHT
The Admin sits before her array of screens, watching the various webcams between both RED and BLU.
She puts out her cigarette on the ashtray and leans over a microphone on her desk. She pushes a button to turn it on.
ADMIN
Miss Pauling.
A second passes; then, her speaker crackles.
MISS PAULING (V.O.)
Yes, ma’am?
ADMIN
Keep a tighter watch on the teams. They cannot know they’re clones.
MISS PAULING (V.O.)
Understood.
The Admin leans back in her chair, crossing her legs. She continues to watch the teams mingle.
ADMIN
(to no one in particular)
These clones are too complicated. I can see why Fred never operated the machine.
She sighs exasperatedly and lights another cigarette. She then stands up and saunters away, leaving her screens up and running.
In one camera feed, BLU Engineer sits hunched over his desk, scrawling away at a new blueprint.
The paper has a rough drawing of a small, metal clip with a yellow button on it. The title reads “BLUEBIRD DISTRESS SIGNAL.”
FADE OUT.
THE END