Chapter Text
“You’re just… a lot,” A weary sigh, and then the killing blow. “You suffocate people.”
Seungmin has never been particularly skilled at moderating intensity for a particular setting. He gets shushed when he talks to a friend at the library, yet the barista at his local cafe strains to hear his order. It feels like the volume dial for audio output only works at borderline muted or boisterously booming; This is transferable to his relationships.
In his first long term relationship, he amped up his personality, Seungmin was excitable, energetic in a way many had never seen him behave. Happiness bloomed in his chest, a fragile flower Seungmin felt grow with pride. He assumed that his boyfriend would help him nurture the blossom, as Seungmin tended the former’s garden at his requests, even when his body ached and he wished to sleep - his boyfriend’s weeds needed to be pulled. Seungmin spent six months as a gardener, he watched flowers bloom in another’s yard, while his own began to wilt.
His big personality and ‘quirky’ habits and routines that endeared his boyfriend at the beginning of their relationship eventually lost their charm, Seungmin’s insistence on getting eight hours sleep each night grating on the other man’s nerves. Seungmin’s interest in Buffy the Vampire Slayer lost its cool-factor when the other man realised that he was unable to watch anything else in the evenings. Seungmin was interesting as a concept, the reality of his existence was more irritating than it was endearing.
The breakup came soon after this realisation, Seungmin liked to pretend he sensed its arrival, but he had been reading articles about attachment theory and how to save a relationship, he had been ready to trial a multitude of methods to save their partnership, while his boyfriend had spent weeks planning to leave Seungmin behind him.
“You’ll find the right person when you least expect it.” His friend, Jisung, had patted his head gently. The man had invited himself to Seungmin’s apartment for an impromptu sleepover, Seungmin thought it was his friend’s form of suicide-watch. They lay on his couch while an episode of Buffy played in the background.
“I don’t really believe in that…”
“In what?”
“Right people, it’s more about…” He searched for the words, and they escaped him. Buffy stakes a vampire on screen. Seungmin’s frustrated groan is understood by his friend somehow.
“You think we choose?” Jisung shifted his position to gaze up at Seungmin with something in his expression that the latter doesn’t understand.
Seungmin hums. “I’d like it - to be chosen.” The words come out whispered, covered by the sound of Buffy’s witty repertoire as she faces demons with ease.
Jisung responds with a muffled snore, curled into Seungmin’s side like a cat. The end credits of the episode roll and Seungmin switches off the TV. He doesn’t repeat his answer the next day when Jisung asks him once more, opting for a much more impartial answer.
“Maybe… I don’t know,” He scrunches his nose, his face feels wrong. “Does it matter?”
That same something passes over his friend’s face again. What is that? It disappears as fast as it appears, and Jisung is laughing at him. Seungmin’s roommate, Minho, enters the kitchen while Jisung is speaking.
“Nah you’re right,” His heart shaped grin appears. “God forbid a man tries to get all philso… philosoph… fuck..”
“Philosophical?” Minho chimes in as he opens the fridge to grab his yoghurt.
“EXACTLY - fucking hate that word man… what was I saying again?”
“God forbid a man tries to be philosophical…”
“...Before ten in the morning! You never let me have any fun Minnie.” Jisung pouts like it will win him sympathy points with Seungmin (it does but he can’t know that).
Seungmin opts for a non-response to this accusation. “Have you had your vyvanse yet?”
“...”
“You left them at your place didn’t you?”
Minho snorts as Jisung dashes to the door, Seungmin understands that there's a short timeframe before his friend would be unable to take his medication without fucking up his sleep. “Goodbye all,” Jisung exclaims, dramatic as always, “It is always such a pain to leave you behind, but I fear I must depart from the premises –!” Seungmin always takes great pleasure in slamming the door in Jisung’s face, the latter’s protests muffled by the wooden barrier. Cute . Is what Seungmin presumes his roommate thinks of Jisung's actions, because his friend is cute, his mannerisms are endearing in a way Seungmin has yet to replicate successfully.
-
Dating apps were designed by the devil, Seungmin thinks. He doesn’t want a quick hookup, he can find that easily enough, he wants someone to see into his soul. A little over six months pass from his last breakup, he decides to write a list of ideal characteristics in his diary after watching a few too many manifestation videos on social media.
‘ The perfect boyfriend… ’ He writes, ‘ Would have the following attributes:
- Must enjoy Buffy the Vampire Slayer and allow for discussion about the show.
- Can cook basic meals better than me and is happy to cook if I clean.
- Considers sex as an occasional bonus action in a relationship, rather than a strict requirement in dating.
- Can reverse parallel park.
- Must not consider nightclubs as the perfect Saturday social spot - I hate clubbing.
- He should be willing to verbalise when he needs physical affection, I don’t know how they always expect me to know? JUST ASK.
- He should have friends that don’t suck majorly, if I hate your friends I’ll probably hate you at some point.
- Just happy to spend time with me but also happy to spend time apart.
- Be just for me.
And finally:
- Love me? (Optional at this point)’
Wetness pools in Seungmin’s eyes as he reads the list back over, droplets fall on the final two lines. He snaps his diary close and decides to ignore his oddly specific criteria for romance, instead he opens Hinge and starts talking to someone who likes Buffy. She’s not 100% his type, but she’s pretty and they have good back and forth banter. She tells him she lives three hours away from him, Seungmin thinks this will work out in his favour. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?
Almost.
They talk for three months or maybe more, he doesn’t care to track the days anymore. She is so kind and understanding of his nuances, Seungmin is thankful for all they have in common until he sees the worst parts of himself reflected in her.
“Physical touch is kind of my love language?” She confesses to him on their third date, the cogs turn in Seungmin’s head as he processes the implications of her statement.
“Okay, I’m sorry,” He aims for a gentle tone but the words come out flat and disinterested. His gender-bent reflection flinches and for all his self-loathing, Seungmin pretends not to notice.
Jisung tries to ask him about the new girl, but Seungmin doesn’t know what to say anymore. He feels performative somehow. Where he should feel happiness bloom in his chest after he agrees to make their relationship exclusive, he just feels the space where that flower was ripped out previously. He feels alarmingly apathetic to it all.
He sleeps on these feelings for several nights. “Physical touch… love language..” Repeats in his mind on loop. Seungmin’s mind conjures the worst case scenarios for him to pursue, his skin crawling when his brain incorporates elements from past experiences into the imagined ‘future’ for his relationship.
He knows she has good intentions. She wouldn’t harm Seungmin like others had. But she wants more than Seungmin has the capacity to provide. They spend time in person and she places her hand on his thigh, he shifts in discomfort and she draws her hand back in uncertainty. Dating Seungmin now is like settling down with a ghost.
Hey I’m sorry is this going anywhere? Her message inquires. You’ve felt so distant lately.
He tells her that she will not find fulfillment pursuing romance with him. She agrees with him and somehow that makes Seungmin feel worse. It’s almost comedic how he has lost a relationship for being too much, only to lose the next for not being enough. Seungmin faintly thinks he feels awful, he can’t muster enough emotion to cry so he settles on napping for the rest of the day instead.
-
Seungmin hides the knowledge of his new relationship’s demise from his friends like one hides their most shameful secret, until he gets drunk at a social event of course, and it all comes spilling out of him. Wine always makes Seungmin extra chatty, he forgets this fact until he’s sat showing his friends the breakup text at Chan’s place.
“When was this?” Jeongin asks.
“Probably… two weeks ago?” Seungmin’s nose scrunches again.
Perpetually confused, Felix asks, “I didn’t know you were dating anyone?”
“...It’s a well written breakup message.” Jisung reads the message and nods his approval as he hands the phone back to its owner, Seungmin blinks at him curiously at the statement.
“Thank you?” Seungmin is thrown off by the praise. Jisung jumps at the opportunity to explain his thinking.
“Like you clearly were careful not to hurt her feelings –”
“I guess?” He didn't mean to cut Jisung off, and his tone was definitely wrong, several around him bristling slightly.
“Just take the compliment oh my God…” Jisung drags his hand over his face, Seungmin backs down, raising his hands in mock surrender. The conversation at the table shifts to something more upbeat.
Everyone around him seems to be meeting their ‘right person’, this process began a few months ago, when Jeongin announced his relationship with Hyunjin. Seungmin tries not to be bitter, but Jeongin used to be so ingrained into his routine, they would catch up every week to watch a movie and talk as little or as much as they felt on that day. Hyunjin is somehow still a mystery to Seungmin, outside the snippets of his character found in Jeongin's stories he tells Seungmin, he has only spoken to the man once. It was the time the boyfriend had to get the friend’s approval apparently, and Jeongin had gathered Seungmin and Chan together to meet his new boyfriend.
“Guys this is Hyunjin,” Jeongin had gestured awkwardly at his tall boyfriend who could pass as a male model.
Ever the extravert, Chan jumped in to introduce himself to the man, shaking his hand and everything. Seungmin had internally cursed his friend for setting the bar high for introductions. Hyunjin had turned to him and his words faded into the loud music the bar was playing.
Jeongin, ever the saviour, jumped in to introduce Seungmin. “Hyunjin, this is Seungmin! I’ve told you all about him, remember?” Seungmin wanted the ground to swallow him whole.
Hyunjin had simply nodded and looked Seungmin up and down before curling his lips into a polite smile. “Nice to meet you, Seungmin.” Apparently that was as far as Hyunjin’s interest in him extended, as he immediately turned to jump into conversation with Chan. When asked about his thoughts on Hyunjin, Seungmin reflected on past negative experiences he had caused from sincere honesty and opted for a white lie to please Jeongin.
“He seems nice.” Just not to me.
-
Sometimes Seungmin thinks it’s only a matter of time until his friends move on to someone more interesting than him. Someone functional and less off-putting. His fear of abandonment worsens each time his friends couple off once more. Group plans dwindle into nothingness and his phone notifications dry up. Seungmin hasn’t spoken to anyone for two weeks, bar his roommate. He’s too tired to do anything, he can’t even summon the energy to watch an episode of Buffy, he’s a shell of a man.
It happens to be on this day that Minho pokes his head into Seungmin’s room and, consciously avoiding any mention of the mountains of clothes littering the younger man’s enclosure, he asks bluntly. “Are you planning on killing yourself?”
Seungmin shifts from his position lying down staring at his ceiling to an upright seated position, glaring at his roommate. How dare he invade Seungmin’s inner sanctum? The door was closed for a reason, ALSO-
“Why would you think that?” He scoffs. A beat passes between himself and Minho as the latter pointedly stares at Seungmin’s overall appearance before gesturing to his floordrobe happening around him.
Admittedly, Seungmin hasn’t showered in over a week and has been living in his oversized Buffy shirt and boxer shorts. He’s fairly certain that his breath could kill a small child, as his teeth have been just as neglected as his body has been. His lips are cracked and split from dehydration, also tender from his continuous chewing of the dead skin. He’s probably never looked worse.
Minho clearly doesn’t have the time to argue with Seungmin over this, he simply walks into the room and turns on the dreaded big light, burning the man’s retinas with more light than he’d seen in several weeks. Seungmin’s hissing and recoiling figure doesn’t deter his roommate from his mission, and before he knows it Minho has picked him up and deposited him on a chair in the kitchen. A bowl of porridge with plain vanilla yoghurt is pushed in front of Seungmin. It’s his favourite, he wrinkles his nose.
“Eat.” Minho watches him expectantly, Seungmin feels like a child, so he reacts like one.
“Don’t wanna.” He grumbles. Minho remains unamused, he points to the bowl again.
“You haven’t eaten in at least two days.” Seungmin forgot that Minho sees these things.
“How do you know I haven’t eaten?” Maybe he can throw the man off his scent.
“We share a pantry, dickhead,” Dammit , he’s good. “You ran out of groceries a few days ago.” Right. Seungmin could not think of a worse chore than grocery shopping, he had been avoiding his local fluorescent fortress for this very reason.
Seungmin sighs and picks up the spoon, it’s heavy in his grasp. He stirred his porridge and then, as if in slow motion, began to eat mouthful after mouthful. His stomach somehow simultaneously lurches while begging for more sustenance. His spoon makes a resounding clink against the bowl when he goes for another mouthful and finds that he has consumed the entire serving. He locks eyes with Minho, who nods in approval.
“Can I have a boiled egg?” Seungmin asks, he loves boiled eggs, and he’s still hungry.
“Shower first, then you can have an egg.” Minho gives Seungmin this ultimatum and he almost decides to go without, he can shower for tomorrow. But then his stomach growls again and Seungmin accepts defeat, shuffling to the bathroom.
The shower is decidedly a sensory hell for him, undressing on cold tiles, then getting under the warm water, adjusting to the warmth only to be forced back into the cold bathroom because of something called ‘water bills’ that was invented to prevent Seungmin from sitting in the shower more often. But he emerges from the depths of watery hell with clean hair and feels like more of a human being after. Minho rewards him for this with not one, but two boiled eggs. While he appreciates the thought, Seungmin only planned to eat one egg, he tells Minho this and offers to share the second egg with the man.
“Aigoooo so generous.” The older man teases him, but accepts the egg nonetheless.
Seungmin keeps waiting for him to ask what’s wrong, and holds his breath in anticipation for an interrogation. Minho only asks him one question, though.
“Do you need help cleaning your room?” Seungmin falters, having prepared for a completely different line of questioning.
“Sorry?” He squints at Minho, his roommate is strange. The bewilderment in his tone does naught in deterring the older man’s train of thought, though, he merely repeats his question, this time with more detail.
“Your room, it’s a mess. Do you need help cleaning it?” Wow. Couldn’t Minho tell that Seungmin was planning on cleaning his room at some point in the future?
“Why would you help?” Seungmin changes the line of questioning, what’s up with his roommate, being all helpful to him?
“I can’t keep sharing an apartment knowing what your room looks like now, every surface is covered in laundry and chip packets. Your bed has barely enough space for you to be comfortable –”
“I have space to sleep…” Seungmin quietly protests to no avail, Minho merely continues his rant about hygiene.
“– we have to fix it, Seungmin-ah. What if you attract pests?”
“You’re a pest.” He retorts weakly.
Minho just laughs.
It takes an entire day to finish cleaning Seungmin’s room. He dreads the infinite loop of laundry he’s created for himself, as the clothes from his floor now spill out the top of the laundry basket, ready to be washed. Minho keeps Seungmin accountable while they clean his space, and at some point Seungmin starts talking.
“... How do I make it stop?” He asks as he reorganises his drawers. Minho looks up, feather duster in hand.
“Stop what?” Blunt as always.
“I don’t know…” Seungmin waves his arms and gestures to himself and his surroundings. “Everything? I don’t know how the average person does it all… everyday… all the time…” He presses his hands into his eyes. “I just get so tired, hyung.”
Minho hums and gestures for Seungmin to continue explaining, the younger man opens his mouth and it all starts to tumble out of him.
“I wish life had a pause button, you know? I just need time to catch up with everyone… I feel so behind..” He’s not making sense, but the floodgates are open and he spills out before Minho. “...And – and everyone seems to have their someone , you know? And I’m just here and it feels like it's just a matter of time… before everyone moves on to better things than me.” He makes a frustrated noise in his throat, he can’t articulate the feeling right to someone else.
Minho eyes him curiously, brows furrowed, considering something before he responds in a kind of soft tone Seungmin didn’t know him to be capable of. “Before I properly respond to your thought process, I have to ask, have you ever been assessed for autism?”
Silence stretches between the two of them, before Seungmin guffaws. He had been diagnosed a few years ago, but had neglected to tell anyone. At Minho’s confusion, he clarifies. “I was diagnosed when I was 17, it just never came up I guess?”
“If you know that you have autism, why do you compare yourself to neurotypical frameworks of success?” Minho cocks his head. “It doesn’t seem fair to you is all.”
Seungmin sniffles. He hears his father’s voice echo in his memory – “...using it as an excuse…” He stares at his slippers and mumbles. “I just want to feel like everyone else does.” Minho’s incredulous expression is practically audible.
“That’s stupid.”
Seungmin startles at the harsh tone, Minho looks briefly apologetic before continuing to explain.
“Have you met the average person, Seungmin-ah? Do you want to feel like your manager, Dongyeon does everyday? Do you want to live the exact same life as our neighbour, who plays loud music late at night with no care for others?” Seungmin imagines the two people: Dongyeon, who is forty-two and already divorced, in the grips of a custody battle for a pre-teen son who hates him. The man smells like a cigarette with legs and, worst of all, he’s incredibly hard to get along with. Seungmin shivers, his neighbour requires less thought, he would never be disrespectfully noisy, it’s not in Seungmin’s nature. He knows what his answer to Minho’s question is.
“I’d rather die.” Minho nods sagely.
“Exactly. Seungmin, not only is the average person dumb as bricks, they’re all dealing with their own bullshit that you don’t see. What specifically are you missing out on?”
Seungmin looks down and thinks of his mumbled confession many months ago. He wants to be chosen, to be someone’s first choice. He must have gone silent for too long, as Minho nudges him.
“Yah Seungmin-ah, what are you missing out on?”
“I want to be someone’s first choice.” Seungmin bites out, his ears turn red at the confession. “I want someone to look at me, see me for how I am, and want me just the same.”
Minho gets a strange, almost frustrated expression on his face at this, pulling his phone out and furiously texting something to… someone, Seungmin hates privacy screens. Minho grumbles under his breath something that sounds like “ doesn’t know ” but Seungmin mishears a lot of things, so he just waits for him to speak again. Finally, after what looks like it was a heated argument via text, if Minho’s expressions were anything to go off, the older man responds to Seungmin’s comment.
“Do you think you’re no one’s first choice?”
“Obviously, Chan has Felix, Jeongin has Hyunjin now, Jisung has you…” Minho’s expression sours, was Seungmin not meant to know? “...Changbin has… someone I forget his name…”
“Mark.” Minho adds, sour expression still in place. Poor Mark, Seungmin despairs at the fact that he can never remember the man’s name, especially when he’s so friendly to him when they see each other.
“Right. The point still stands though.”
“Does it?”
“Do you have evidence to counter my claim?”
Minho just grins to himself. “If you paid attention you’d find it yourself.” Cryptic asshole.
“What the fuck does that mean?” Seungmin hates being left in the dark, Minho, however, is more than happy to switch off the lights and shut the door on him. The older man just mimes the action of zipping his lips and throwing away the key. “No, explain yourself.” It’s a futile request, his roommate just gestures at his zipped lips and shrugs helplessly. Fuck this guy.
Seungmin decides that he’s had enough of his roommate’s antics for today, he tells him this much, before retiring to his newly cleaned room. People are strange and annoying, Seungmin grumbles to himself.
-
He texts Jisung to come over in the evening. The two of them sit cuddled up on the couch, a Buffy episode from season five plays before them.
“Are you okay?” Jisung asks him, stroking his hair in a way that makes Seungmin keen. Jisung always gives such nice scalp massages. “I was worried when we didn’t have a Buffy evening for nearly two weeks.” He doesn’t know how to apologise to what he thinks may be his closest friend, his aches when he imagines Jisung stressing about him. Seungmin doesn’t deserve him.
“‘M tired Sungie.” Is all he mumbles in response. “‘Just wanted to pause everything.” It’s such a non-answer to Jisung’s concerns, but Seungmin doesn’t have enough words in reserve for the day.
Whether he understands the minimally worded response or not, Jisung hums and continues stroking Seungmin’s hair, beginning to scrape his fingernails against his friend's scalp, he empathises. “I get that, did anything happen to cause this?”
Seungmin shakes his head no, like a liar. He doesn’t want to burden Jisung with his petty insecurities, it’s not his fault that Seungmin sits on the outskirts of a group dynamic. He’s an adult and is accustomed to loneliness, he’s so experienced at being alone he should be allowed to list it as a skill on his resume, Jisung shouldn’t have to worry about him. Seungmin knows that his friend has feelings for his roommate, feelings which may be reciprocated, he doesn’t want Jisung to feel guilty for having Minho as his top preference – even if the idea of the two of them together makes Seungmin’s skin feel wrong.
“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Jisung asks him, cutting through Seungmin’s spiralling thoughts. It’s a nice gesture, though he has come to learn that ‘anything’ has its limit, and Seungmin is trying not to suffocate anyone else.
He nods as Spike confesses his love for Buffy on TV. “Same goes for you.” He says to Jisung. He means this sincerely, but the words sound empty to both of them.
Buffy rejects Spike brutally and something passes over Jisung’s expression. “Yeah,” he mumbles. “I know.”
-
Jisung is acting weird lately, not weird enough that Seungmin would call it ‘out-of-character’ for him, rather just off. In the past few weeks, Seungmin has caught Jisung staring at him like he’s debating something internally. There’s always something with him lately, he just can’t distinguish the type of something it is towards him.
Minho is no help with Seungmin’s investigation into his friend’s recent behaviour, but he knows something, that much is obvious. He seems more gleeful at the fact that Seungmin is noticing something, than he is willing to provide information that might point him in the right direction. Minho gives vague pointers like he’s the cheshire cat, saying shit like:
“Why don’t you ask him about it?” As if Jisung would answer honestly.
And:
“It’ll all make sense to you soon.” Seungmin wants a new roommate, he’s decided. He’ll figure this out on his own. The lack of concern from Minho leads Seungmin to mentally adjust his view on Minho and Jisung’s relationship, from mutual pining to unrequited? Sorry Jisung .
And then Jisung gets weirder, Seungmin addresses his spaciness when they’re cuddled on the couch like usual and Jisung blushes something furious.
“What am I thinking about? Um…” He trails off, his eyes flit down? Then back up, but Jisung still can’t seem to gather his thoughts. “Um….” He looks around for something, before perking up. “Your birthday!” He yells.
Seungmin blinks. “My… birthday?” He repeats slowly. Jisung nods with vigour, or desperation, Seungmin can’t tell exactly.
“Yeah !” Jisung's voice cracks, he clears his throat before continuing. “You know, because it’s coming up soon.”
“It’s March.”
“...Always good to plan ahead! Am I right?” Seungmin is convinced that Jisung might be unwell. He presses his palm to the man’s forehead and his face warms at his touch.
“Are you okay?” Seungmin asks, contemplating getting a thermometer.
“Haha, why would you ask me that of course I’m okay – Hey, look! I love this scene..” Jisung was clever diverting Seungmin’s attention to Buffy, in all fairness, it is a great scene playing. Fight scenes between Buffy and her narrative foil Faith are always rife with tension. Yet Seungmin can’t help but feel like he’s holding his breath in anticipation for something else, he just can’t name it yet.
-
Unsure how to move forward in his investigation, Seungmin consults The Oracle.
“When would you say the weirdness began between you two?”
“I noticed it two weeks ago, but it could have been longer than that.”
“And you say Minho appears to be in the know but refuses to tell you anything?”
“He keeps telling me to talk to Jisung, but Jisung is being weird when I talk to him. I don’t know what to do.” Seungmin despairs.
“Can you give me an example? Jisung is a weird guy.”
Seungmin recounts the most recent incident where Jisung became a human tomato around him for an inexplicable reason.
“I think I know what’s going on here,” Chan turns around in his spinny office chair, he then turns around once more for good measure, before facing Seungmin, who awaits his answer eagerly.
“You do?” His voice is hopeful, Chan always has the solution, he’s so wise.
Chan scribbles something down on a notepad before pushing his glasses (blue light) up his nose. “I think Jisung may have a crush on you.”
A beat passes. Seungmin blinks at the older man, who stares intently back at him.
“You’re fucking with me.” Seungmin deadpans.
“You asked for my opinion,” Chan retorts, unaffected by the disagreeable reception of his theory. “All signs point to yes here.”
“Why would he like me though?”
“Seungmin,” Chan looks him in the face intently, he can’t help but shrink into himself. “What makes you believe that he wouldn’t like you?” Of course Chan doesn’t get it. The man is ‘likeable’ personified, his face makes people smile somehow, Seungmin isn’t like Chan. His personality isn’t enough on its own, so people are drawn to his slender physique, they want more from him than he wants to provide.
“I think I’m asexual.” Seungmin whispers. Chan’s eyes soften. He reaches across the desk to pat the younger man on the hand, Seungmin withdraws his hand with a polite smile; Chan’s hands are always slightly clammy, he can’t deal with that right now.
“Thank you for telling me, however, that doesn’t answer my question.”
“Yes it does, most people need sex in romantic relationships.” Seungmin doesn’t know why people refuse to accept what he has observed to be the common need of mankind. It’s always fine until they’re begging him for just one time.
Chan isn’t deterred by this, he merely poses a question to Seungmin. “Has Sungie told you that he fits the category of most people?”
“We haven’t talked.” But I know he deserves more than me . Seungmin doesn’t verbalise the second part, but Chan still responds like he heard it somehow.
“You still assume the worst of the people around you, is that fair?”
Seungmin blinks. Huh. Chan is so smart. “I guess not.” He stands up. “I need to process this conversation, sorry, excuse me.” He moves to leave the room. Chan calls out to him.
“One more thing before you go?” Seungmin nods, Chan continues. “You question if Jisung likes you, but do you like him?”
“Of course I li–” Seungmin cuts himself off as his brain processes his mouth’s reflexive response in the middle of him saying it. What the fuck. It’s too late though, Chan looks like a dog with a bone, goddamn Freudian slips. What the fuck. Jisung?
“My work here is done,” Seungmin suddenly remembers why he makes fun of Chan so much. “Bye-bye Seungminnie!”
“Seeya Gramps.”
He’s walked too far away with too much in his mind to hear Chan’s response to his teasing. Walking back to his apartment, his mind floods with Jisung. He thinks of how his eyes reflect light and how he often resembles a deer or a squirrel of sorts. He thinks of that heart shaped smile, how Jisung’s lips pull up to reveal a gummy smile, his entire face smiling with him.
Seungmin touches his chest, thinking of the hollowed grove where he once nurtured that blossom of happiness, he notes that the blossom itself is not back yet, but a small green stem pokes out of the soil, cautiously emerging. This is so sudden and unexpected to him, while simultaneously being the outcome that makes sense to him, as he thinks back to his boyfriend criteria he wrote months ago.
Enjoys Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Check.
Can cook basic meals better than me and is happy to cook if I clean. Half a check, Minho cooks better than both of them combined.
Considers sex as an occasional bonus action in a relationship, rather than a strict requirement in dating. To be determined.
Can reverse parallel park. Surprisingly, yes.
Seungmin revisits his list and is overwhelmed when he realises how obvious this should have been to him before. He’s an idiot, truly. It also strikes him that Minho knows something, this makes him sit up and walk to his roommates door, before knocking aggressively to disturb the older man’s peace.
“Fuck is so urgent for you to nearly break down my door?” Minho grumbles, having been woken from his afternoon nap for this.
“ IthinkIlikeJisung ..” Seungmin blurts, words blending together in his hurry to get them out.
“Sorry, what?” Minho squints at him.
Seungmin takes a deep breath and avoids eye contact with Minho. “I think… I might like Jisung… as more than a friend.” Exhale.
Minho stares at him. “Have you told him yet?” There’s something akin to hope in the man’s tone. Seungmin takes slight joy in destroying it.
“No! I only realised today.” His roommate deflates, now they’re both suffering it seems.
“Oh my God…” Minho rolls his eyes and groans before raising his hands and pushing Seungmin out of his doorway.
“Wait, aren’t you…–”
“I need to nap before I can help you with this, toodles!” The door slams in Seungmin’s face, rude.
He does what he usually does when he has a problem. He messages Jisung:
Buffy tonight? He asks. Jisung is typing soon after.
Sounds good!!! See u soon :)) He responds. ‘Soon’ for Jisung is vague and could mean that he is rounding the corner to the apartment complex as he types it, or he’ll arrive in an hour’s time. Seungmin plants himself on the couch, paralysed while he waits.
Seungmin thinks about what he wants from a relationship, and all he sees is Jisung. He just likes being around him, mostly, though he wouldn’t mind kissing him. He thinks of every time that he dropped his mask around exes and was shamed for being ‘too much’ of something, while he was too little of himself in these relationships. He knows Jisung understands him, to an extent, there being some overlap in their neurodivergent traits, but Seungmin has never disclosed his autism diagnosis with Jisung. A lot of Seungmin’s mannerisms and quirks make more sense once someone knows that he is autistic, he just doesn’t want that to be all that he is known for.
He doesn’t want to be someone who thrives in spite of his autism, but rather someone who thrives and happens to be autistic at the same time. He also knows that he can’t offer someone a normal romantic relationship because of this. Dinner dates could be cut short if the sensory stimuli overwhelms Seungmin, he only enjoys clubbing if he’s drunk, and he doesn’t enjoy being drunk due to the hangovers it causes the next day. Seungmin watches an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer every night, and he can’t sleep until he does so. His room is decorated from floor to ceiling with memorabilia and his favourite porcelain dolls, dusting is a nightmare. He eats the exact same thing for breakfast everyday, and will sometimes forget to eat if not prompted to do so.
He’ll probably never work a full-time job, having to do his university at a part-time load, and only working once or twice a week cleaning at the hospital. This small workload exhausts him enough.
Sometimes he gets so worn out that he just stops functioning. Nothing can fix burnout once it starts, he just has to rest until it ends. Seungmin thinks once more about confessing to Jisung and tries desperately to think about how Buffy might approach his situation, then he remembers that Buffy is a white teenage girl, and he is a Korean man in his early twenties. It was worth a shot, but alas, Buffy has not had to confess her feelings to a friend before.
Xander Harris has though. Oh God, Seungmin doesn’t want to be like Xander. He’s almost thankful for the knock on the apartment door, as his thoughts start conjuring images of Jisung responding to a confession like girls in Buffy do to Xander, with a recoil of disgust. He shakes his head to rid himself of these thoughts, before opening the door to Jisung.
He’s not sure why he expected Jisung to look different than usual now that Seungmin is aware of his feelings towards his friend, but he looks the same, in his slightly oversized black hoodie and sweatpants. Seungmin is hyperaware of the tips of his ears reddening as Jisung pauses in the entryway.
“Hello,” Seungmin utters shakily (what is wrong with him?). Jisung smiles in a slightly awkward manner.
“Hey man, can I?” He gestures behind Seungmin into the apartment, the apartment that Seungmin has yet to move out of the way to allow Jisung into. Seungmin practically lunges out of the way.
“Oh! Of course,” He mutters apologies. “So sorry, come on in!” Jisung walks inside, staring at him quizzically. Seungmin forces himself to walk to the couch robotically, focusing on turning on the television and getting up an episode of Buffy. He's feeling season 6 tonight, but one of the lighter episodes; Once More With Feeling it is then!
The opening credits play and Jisung looks at him again before clearing his throat.
“So…” They both begin to speak.
“Oh shit!” Jisung swears, “You go first.”
“No, no,” Seungmin counters. “You first, I can wait.” This is painful.
Buffy sings about going through the motions, Seungmin understands her more than ever now as he waits for Jisung to talk.
“How was your day?” He asks Seungmin, oh brother, this is like pulling teeth.
“My day?” He points to himself, Jisung nods, obviously. “It was okay, nothing too crazy, how about you?” God strike me down , Seungmin pleads with his maker, I can’t do this.
And suddenly Jisung is looking at him with that something in his gaze again, Seungmin can’t hold his tongue anymore.
“What is that?” He blurts. Jisung’s eyes go impossibly wide and he chews his lip nervously, Seungmin wants to kiss him.
The kissable man in question scratches the back of his head nervously. “What are you talking about?”
Seungmin scrunches his nose as he gathers his thoughts. “You look at me weird lately.” His thoughts always sound so juvenile out loud.
“Weird how?” Jisung’s eyes are locked onto his, the man appears to be searching for something in Seungmin’s gaze.
“I don’t know,” Seungmin groans, forgetting everything he had mentally rehearsed earlier. “Forget it, I’m probably imagining things.” He resigns himself to a life of silent pining, deciding to tune back into the Buffy musical episode that has become an afterthought in the background. Anya and Xander are performing a number on how they avoid communicating their grievances in their relationship in the name of keeping the peace, Seungmin is debating changing the episode halfway through when Jisung speaks.
“You’re not.” It feels as though all oxygen has been sucked out of the living room, Seungmin gapes at Jisung.
“I’m sorry, what?” There’s no way they’re both on the same train of thought right now, Seungmin must appear comedically incredulous, because Jisung repeats himself.
“It’s not all in your head, I’ve been weird with you.” The confession both soothes Seungmin just as much as it grieves him. He can’t make sense of their dilemma.
“But – why?”
“I’ve been practicing how I’d do this,” Jisung exhales sharply and looks around, Seungmin faintly registers the melody of Spike’s solo playing on TV, Seungmin struggles against the urge to hum the tune. “I wanted my words to be perfect, you know.”
“Words for what?” Seungmin wants to hear him say it, he needs to hear it out loud. He needs Jisung to cut through the ambiguity of their relationship, and he needs it to happen as soon as possible, lest he start to find gray hairs from stress.
Jisung whines like he’s being tortured. “Kim Seungmin, I like you a lot, please date me?” The words come out strangled and his face turns red. Seungmin looks at the man before him, really looks at him, and finally the something he’s been seeing on Jisung’s face comes to mind, he understands what he’s been thinking of. “Seungmin, you’re killing me here.” Jisung pleads with him after Seungmin is quietly processing his verbal confession.
“Can I kiss you?” Seungmin asks, it’s not a confession on its own, but a request to be something more than they are currently.
“Oh, thank fuck.” Is all he hears in response to his question before Jisung takes his jaw in his hand, and Seungmin can’t help but continue to stare as the man inches closer to his face with his eyes closed. Jisung has such long eyelashes, he observes as he faintly registers his lips meeting another pair. As if he can sense something off, Jisung pulls back from kissing Seungmin and scowls. “Dude, close your eyes.” Right, whoops. Seungmin forgot that in his quest to map Jisung’s face up close. He lets his eyelids flutter shut.
Jisung kisses with more energy than actual skill, their teeth bump together occasionally, Seungmin thinks his bottom lip may have split from the amount of nibbling Jisung has done to it – they’ll have a discussion about biting soon. Seungmin is the first to tap out of the arrangement, pulling back for air. Jisung looks beautiful, he faintly registers, the man’s cheeks are flushed pink, his lips slightly swollen, hair ruffled from Seungmin’s hands. Seungmin decides that he should rip the bandaid off before they go any further.
“Jisung?”
“Mmhm?” Jisung blinks away his daze and gestures for Seungmin to speak.
No time like the present. “I’m autistic.” He says, ever so eloquent as always.
“Oh,” Jisung pauses, searching for the appropriate response. “I mean no offense, but I kinda figured that out already?”
“What gave it away?” Seungmin can’t believe Jisung saw through his skillfully crafted masking, though his neutral reaction is probably more than he could have asked for.
“For the most part? Buffy.”
“Right. Well,” Seungmin decides he should lay all the cards on the table, Jisung should know what he’s signing up for. “I’m also asexual.”
Jisung remains unchanged. “That’s okay, thank you for telling me.” Seungmin thinks that maybe he doesn’t understand what that means for him.
“You might go months dating me without having sex.” He points out what has scared off most in his past, but Jisung just shrugs, unphased.
“I can deal.” He says, Seungmin squints at him.
“Why?” He blurts, he just doesn’t understand Jisung’s thought process, and the man looks confused by the question.
“Why what?”
“Why bother?” Seungmin looks down and clenches his fist into the blanket. “‘M not worth the stress.” Jisung could do better than him, he’s sure of it.
“Do you need to understand a choice before you allow someone else to make it?”
“Ideally, yes.”
“I’m sorry to disappoint,” Jisung smiles at him. “But you’re worth the extra wrinkles.”
“...What if I cause gray hairs?”
“You can help me dye it.”
“Balding?”
“Hey now, please don’t manifest that for me.”
The conversation devolves into giggles, Jisung takes every opportunity to peck Seungmin on the lips, he’s never felt so light.
“Coffee tomorrow?” Seungmin asks. Jisung responds with his heart shaped grin and an enthusiastic:
“Yes!”
Spike and Buffy kiss passionately in an alleyway, Minho walks into the kitchen and pulls his tub of vanilla ice cream from the freezer. The man looks over tiredly at the duo cuddled on the couch, taking in the bright expressions on either face, then grunts a question. “Solved the mystery, did you?”
Seungmin beams. “We’re dating.” Minho sighs wearily, but there’s an unmistakable gleam in his eyes that Seungmin knows is happiness.
“You told him then?” The question is directed at Jisung, who flushes red once more.
“Kinda? I mean…”
“Actually, I’ve lost interest now,” Minho deposits a large scoop into a bowl. “Tell me… tomorrow.” Aaaand he’s gone.
Seungmin decides that he’ll deal with that tomorrow morning, and cuddles into Jisung’s side. Somewhere in his once barren garden, a blossom unfurls itself, revealing brightness Seungmin had once thought impossible to obtain. Someone saw him and wanted him in spite of all his faults. Even if it turned out to be a temporary decision, Jisung had chosen him. He never needed to moderate himself, he thinks belatedly, he just needed to find someone who enjoyed his extremes.
“Should we watch another episode tonight?” Jisung asks earnestly, remote poised to press play. Seungmin laughs and shakes his head no.
“I think Buffy’s helped enough tonight, somehow.”
“Were you planning to channel Buffy if you confessed first?”
“...I was worried I’d sound like Xander.”
“We have got to work on your self-esteem.”
They’re not perfect by any means, but they’re something. And that’s enough.