Chapter Text
“Dude… do you have to be weird all the time?” A chorus of mocking laughter follows the words, ringing in his ears.
Jisung is the opposite of consistent. His room is a complete mess, but he knows where everything is (mostly). He goes to the gym for several days in a row, then skips out on exercising for a week or two – returning only when guilt creeps in at the subscription leaving his bank account without being used. There are only three areas of his life that remain consistent:
- His ADHD medication that he (allegedly) takes daily.
- Buffy evenings at Seungmin’s place, which ranges from once a week or - if they’re at a particularly gripping part of a season - up to three times in any given week.
And, most importantly:
3. His embarrassingly large crush on Seungmin, that the man in question remains oblivious to.
It's not like he had planned to develop feelings for the man, his emotions just swing in extremes. One day, Jisung had been trying to figure out if Seungmin secretly hated him; they had met through a mutual friend, Chan, at a gathering hosted by the man himself. Bang Chan was like the ultimate extravert, he knew everyone there was to ever know, Jisung remembers his first impression of the man he now considers his closest friend like it was yesterday.
“Jisung! Over here!” He looked up from his position on the couch, phone screen lighting up his face in the darkest corner of the room. His friend Chan maintained his cheerful expression as he gestured for Jisung to join him near the kitchen counter, undeterred by his deer-in-headlights expression. Realising that if he didn’t move to join his friend, Chan would simply move the conversation he was having with a man Jisung did not recognise over to his safe space in the house, he had accepted defeat and risen from his hiding spot. Shuffling over sullenly to his friend, who merely smiled fondly at Jisung in response, he joined Chan and the stranger near the kitchen.
Thankfully, Jisung was not the only person feeling uncomfortable, he noted the partial grimace on the taller stranger’s face, the man shifting his weight from one foot to the other as he stared into his non-alcoholic soda with intense interest. Clearly Chan was on a mission to force two introverts to bond, rather than leave them to their own devices at his event. Despite resenting the forced socialisation, Jisung melted into his friends arms when Chan pulled him into a friendly embrace. The older man pulled back from him and, placing a ginger beer into his hand – a consolation prize, Jisung muses – he turned to the floppy haired stranger, cutting through whatever internal monologue was occurring in the man’s head with a clap on his shoulder.
“Seungmin!” Chan yells despite their close proximity, he’s drunk. The stranger, Seungmin, holds back a wince at the volume. “This is the Jisung I was telling you ‘bout… both music students you know?” Whatever that means. Jisung had merely smiled politely at the man, who stared at him with almost no expression on his face.
“Nice to meet you,” Seungmin nodded at him, so formal despite the setting. “Chan-hyung speaks highly of you.” The man in question had begun to wander back into the thick of the party, on to more interesting conversations apparently. Seungmin’s voice was hard to hear over the sounds of their friends playing a rather intense game of pool in the room over, Jisung had leaned closer to the man and decided to play the part of someone less socially awkward than himself.
“How long were you stuck with him?” His stage-whisper seemed to force the corners of the blank-faced man’s mouth to twitch upwards. Seungmin tilted his head slightly to the side, resembling a puppy with his natural wide-eyed expression.
“What’s the time now?” He had asked, a flat-toned voice clashing somewhat with his awkward yet pleasant demeanour.
Jisung checked his smart-watch.“10:45.” Seungmin blinked, as if surprised.
“Oh. Like ten minutes maybe?” Jisung winced, ten minutes alone in a room with the drunk ramblings of Chan was something he wouldn’t wish upon his worst enemy. The man was one of his closest friends and he loved him dearly, but drunk Chan was not dissimilar to a strange uncle at a family gathering who you know could say something politically incorrect at any given moment. Only in Chan’s case, he was more likely to start waxing poetic about his somewhat-ex (it’s complicated) Lee Felix.
“Christ.” Was all he offered as a form of condolence, Seungmin had just smiled in a way that looked like the expression was foreign to his cheek muscles. Jisung hoisted himself up onto the bench, dangling his legs over the edge before bringing his attention back to his new acquaintance. Seungmin didn’t look at him, staring at the benchtop and sipping his soda before offering him a response.
“It’s fine. I’m not here for much longer.” Jisung peered curiously at the man, watching as his eyes flitted around the space and back to his general direction. Having dealt with crippling anxiety at points in his life, he sympathised with what he assumed was social anxiety impacting the other man. He imagined that being sober at an event such as Chan’s would only be worse for him.
“Because you’re sober? Or…?” He honestly admired the man for staying in an environment he clearly disliked for so long, especially being sober. But then again, not everyone relies on alcohol as a crutch for social events like Jisung does.
“Kinda?” Seungmin spots the confusion on his face and clarifies. “I drove here so I could leave whenever I felt like it.”
“You’re no-one’s designated driver?” Jisung couldn’t keep the surprise from his voice, he really needed to re-evaluate his relationship with alcohol.
Seungmin snorted. “Unless they’re ready to go home by 11pm… no.” His voice was thick with self-deprecation, Jisung noted.
“You got a strict sleep schedule?” He asked, trying to puzzle out the why to the other man’s behaviour without coming across as rude.
“Sort of,” Seungmin tugged at his earlobe, a nervous habit perhaps. “I like to watch an episode of my show before bed each night… feels weird if I don’t now.”
“Hey man I get it, we all have our rituals,” He laughed, not unkindly, and the other man relaxed a bit. “I have to ask though, what show do you watch every night? Has to be good if you’re not sick of it.” Seungmin had practically perked up at the question, before he schooled his expression to something more neutral before answering.
“Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” Jisung’s eyes widened, he hadn’t met another fan of that show like… ever. Seungmin had barreled into an explanation, misinterpreting the man’s lack of response as confusion or a lack-of recognition. “It’s like… a show from the late 90s about a teenage girl who…”
“Has the strength and skill to stand against the forces of darkness?” Jisung had interrupted with a grin, feeling something akin to glee as he watched the taller man process his words. Seungmin finally locked eyes with him, then, his gaze more intense than most people Jisung had met.
“You’ve watched Buffy?!” Seungmin had exclaimed at a volume that seemed to take them both by surprise, he paused to collect himself. “I mean,” He coughed. “You’ve watched the show before?” Jisung was also trying to maintain composure in the conversation. He wasn’t like loco-bananas over Buffy, but he’d watched all seven seasons twice in his life. Part of him was hyped at the prospect of having someone he could discuss the show with, he prayed that the other man had normal opinions.
“Mhm, twice through.” He confirmed Seungmin’s query, to which the man seemed to morph from stand-offish to almost bubbly in demeanour.
“Favourite character?”
“Buffy, of course,” Seungmin nods in approval. “But I like Faith and Tara as well.”
“I’m the same, I mean, Buffy is Buffy,” Seungmin offered his opinion in response, unprompted by him. “She’s probably one of the best written protagonists in TV history.”
“They used all their good writing on Buffy Summers, that’s why Xander Harris is one of TV’s worst male characters.” Jisung attempted a joke, receiving a laugh from the other man. Success.
Seungmin scoffs in a mock-aggravated manner. “Don’t get me started on Xander Harris…” He said, before diving into the subject matter regardless. “He’s all of the show’s worst elements combined in human form, like Joss Whedon used him as a self-insert which speaks volumes to that man’s character by the way…” The man continued his tangent and Jisung had found himself thoroughly entertained the whole way through. Seungmin was so passionate about the show and so thrilled to have someone that shared a common interest with him that he just continually talked and talked about different elements of the series, Jisung only had to offer verbal cues of agreement at varied intervals. Some might have gotten tired of the passionate ramblings on a singular topic, not Jisung though. He was intrigued. He had misjudged Seungmin as a quiet, somewhat plain nerdy guy but it turned out that the man held strong opinions and could say one thousand words a minute if prompted with the correct topic. “...And that’s why Spike and Buffy didn’t work out officially in the series, they were doomed from the start you know?” Seungmin stopped for a breather, Jisung had passively checked the time on his watch: 11:32PM.
“Hey man,” Jisung had said in a relaxed tone. “Don’t panic, but it's half-past eleven.”
“Oh fuck,” Seungmin stood up straight. “I really need to leave, I’m sorry.” The man fumbled for his keys, hands shaking slightly as he tried to underplay his stress levels.
“I’ll walk you to your car?” Jisung offered, he was disappointed that he had to leave already, who else would he talk to once Seungmin left? Chan was definitely crying over Felix at this stage of the night, Changbin was the most likely to be on cry-duty tonight. Jisung contemplated booking an uber home, before reminding himself that he had promised to stay and help clean up the next day. God sometimes being a good friend majorly sucked. Seungmin had nodded stiffly at Jisung’s offer before he speed-walked to the front entrance of the house, expertly avoiding people who might intercept him to say goodbye. He trailed behind the man until they made it outside of the house. Seungmin stopped at a white Toyota camry, he looked up at Jisung and bit the inside of his cheek.
“This is me,” He paused, like he was thinking of the correct thing to say next. “Bye.” The car door opened and he hopped in the driver's seat, finished with the conversation. Jisung was stunned by the abrupt ending, but he remembered something at the same time Seungmin turned the key in ignition, engine rumbling.
“Wait!” He yelled, knocking on the window of the car. Puzzled, Seungmin rolled down the window on the passenger side and Jisung peered into the vehicle’s interior. “Can I get your number?” Seungmin began to go slightly red and Jisung backtracked a bit. “Not like that! I just thought it’d be cool to have a friend to talk about Buffy with, ya know? It’s cool if you don’t want that though, I’m chill, so chill with that too…”
“Give me your phone,” Seungmin interrupted his awkward rambling, Jisung did as he was asked with little-to-no thoughts prior, the man handed his phone back to him. The contact Seungmin Kim lit up Jisung’s vision. “Text me first, anything else?”
“Nope, all good.” He smiled at the man, who seemed content with his answer.
“Okay, I’m gonna go now.” Seungmin’s eyes were aimed at the stretch of road ahead, Jisung moved away from the car window.
“It was nice meeting you!” He said, voice raised to be heard above the humming of the car engine. He watched as the other man moved the gearstick out of its parked position, ready to drive away at any moment.
“Mhm, you as well.” A short response, and then Seungmin had driven away. Leaving a puzzled but intrigued Han Jisung in his wake. That night, Jisung decided that he needed to befriend the strange and vaguely off-putting Buffy fanatic. He had typed an initial message the very next day to the man. A simple offer/plea:
any chance I could join one of your buffy nights?
Seungmin responded with a thumbs up emoji. Come any evening after 8:30pm. Was all he sent back to Jisung.
okii ^-^
tomorrow night okay w u?
Sure.
Here’s my address
And that was that. The Buffy evenings became a staple in Jisung’s weekly routine, one of few constants in his life. Changbin, his roommate, had started to tease him more frequently about the visits.
“Been spending a lot of time at Seungmin’s lately?” A half question, half observation. Changbin was too nosy for his own good sometimes, staring into Jisung’s soul as the latter tried to make himself some instant coffee. The kettle was still boiling, so he was obliged to offer a response to his curious roommate.
“He’s going through a breakup at the moment.” He doesn’t deny the statement, opting to provide reasonable context for the increase in contact hours with his friend. Changbin looks thrilled for some reason.
“Seungmin finally dumped that loser boyfriend?” Right, Seungmin hadn’t told a lot of people yet and was likely unaware of how much his friends disliked the ex-boyfriend in question. Its quite unfortunate that he didn’t…
“Loser boyfriend dumped Seung, more like.” The kettle whistles, and Jisung pours boiling water on top of instant coffee, stirring vigorously while Changbin’s jaw hangs open at the news.
“No way…” The man looks curious. “In person?” Jisung would not want to get on Changbin’s bad side, considering he actually attends the gym regularly. He almost feels bad for airing out Seungmin’s ex’s business like this, knowing he’ll likely receive a threatening message from Changbin once he finds out the nature of the breakup. Almost.
“Text message.” Changbin slams the fridge door, hard. He’s fuming. Seungmin makes a lot of people feel protective over him naturally, while him and Changbin tend to bicker, Jisung is pretty certain that the man would lay down his life to allow Seungmin a happier existence. He just has that effect on people sometimes.
“Bastard.” And the phone is in his hands now, Changbin stands typing an angry message to someone Jisung can only assume is their friend’s ex boyfriend.
“I know,” Jisung sips his coffee, wincing as it burns his tongue before adding. “He’s done a number on Seung, never seen him this upset before… it’s kinda scary.” He doesn’t tell Changbin about the odd sense of relief that he’s been feeling over the breakup. He keeps those feelings of joy in the wake of his own best friend’s suffering locked inside himself, smothering them with an excessive amount of guilt and self-loathing to dampen the feelings he is yet to understand.
Changbin pulls him into a comforting embrace and Jisung wonders what he would do if he knew of his shame. It continues like this for a while. Seungmin mourns his failed romance with a man he could easily do better than, and Jisung is there to hear him vent while Buffy plays in the background.
“He was planning it for weeks beforehand, you know?” Seungmin had mumbled, head resting on the other man’s chest. He had been silent for the last ten minutes and Jisung had just assumed that the man was tuned in to the dramatics happening on screen, where Angelus engaged in psychological warfare against a heartbroken Buffy Summers. Jisung tilted his head down to the man, who was looking off into the distance with glazed eyes.
“Oh,” he whispered sadly, running his fingers through Seungmin’s thick hair in what he hoped was a comforting manner. “You’ll find the right person when you least expect it.” The phrase feels empty, even to his own ears as he says it. Sickness creeps into his mind again, a grotesque, warped version of Jisung whispers I hope he never finds it and he mentally conjures his guardians of guilt to pummel the cretin into silence once more.
“I don’t really believe in that…” The words from Seungmin pull him out of his internal battle, Jisung furrows his eyebrows at the vague response.
“In what?” He prompts the man, trying to ignore the sheer exhaustion seeping into his bones.
Seungmin stares at the ceiling while Jisung stares at him. “Right people,” the man clarifies. “It’s more about…” He makes a frustrated sound, indicating a struggle to voice his thoughts.
Jisung thinks faintly that he understands what the man is saying. To some extent, love is as much choice as it is emotion. To love someone is to choose them, I wish he would choose me the cretin rasps in his mind, Jisung’s guilt guardians knock the traitorous voice out cold this time around. He recollects himself, shuffling down the couch so he can look Seungmin in the eye. “You think we choose?” He asks Seungmin, who hums in response.
And then there’s that wave of exhaustion crashing over Jisung once more, several nights of interrupted sleep catching up on him. He hears the beginning of Seungmin’s response as his eyelids drop shut, his body throwing the Zs he should have been catching back at him.
“I think…”
Jisung wakes up annoyed. There’s a blanket covering him that he didn’t have before passing out, and a question that he never got an answer to running through his mind. He’s not sure why, but Seungmin’s answer feels important to him. He moves into the kitchen area of the apartment, where his friend is pouring a bowl of cereal for himself. “Morning.” He grumbles, never a morning person.
Seungmin offers him a reflection of his energy, half a smile trying to appear on his face before retreating. “Good morning, sleep well?”
“Yeah man,” Jisung laughs airily. “Sorry for passing out mid-conversation, I must’ve been exhausted.”
A half smile crosses the man’s face again. “It’s okay.” Jisung remembers his unanswered question again.
“I never caught your response last night,” Seungmin stares at him blankly. “You know? To my question?” Nothing. “I asked if you think we choose who to love? You were answering as I fell asleep.” Jisung huffs, ears tinged pink in embarrassment, why does he care so much about this?
Recognition sparks in Seungmin’s eyes, but the response he gives starts differently to the one Jisung heard the start of the night prior. “Maybe… I don’t know,” The man scrunches his nose as he does when he’s feeling awkward or unsure. “Does it matter?”
Jisung tries not to look visibly dismayed at the non-answer. His inner-heathen wails Why am I not good enough? And his guilt guardians appear to be in agreement this time around. He pushes them all out of his way to respond in a normal, upbeat manner. “Nah you’re right,” He smiles widely, before deciding to play it off in a comedic manner. “God forbid a man tries to get philso… philosoph… fuck…” He struggles to pronounce ‘philosophical’ in front of the taller man, who offers no assistance to Jisung’s struggle, he just laughs at him.
“Philosophical?” Another voice offers as Seungmin’s roommate Minho joins the conversation, walking past Jisung to the fridge.
“EXACTLY – fucking hate that word man… what was I saying again?” His brain feels foggier than usual for a reason Jisung fails to identify.
“God forbid a man tries to get philosophical…” Seungmin repeats for him, putting Jisung back on his original train of thought.
“...Before ten in the morning! You never let me have any fun Minnie.” He pouts at the man who remains largely unaffected. Minho grabs his yoghurt from the fridge in the background while Seungmin looks at Jisung like he’s just remembered something.
“Have you had your Vyvanse yet?” Right. His medication that he takes everyday to make him a functional human being. If Jisung were a functional human being he probably would have brought it with him to Seungmin’s place, unfortunately, the medication wears off in the evenings so he left it back at his place. His friend has his suspicions confirmed by his silence, asking a follow up question that is more of a guess based on past experiences. “You left them at your place, didn’t you?”
He’s rushing to the apartment door shortly after the question is posed. Jisung hears Minho snort a laugh at his frenzied mannerisms, he bids the pair adieu in a dramatic and excessively verbose manner; laughing when Seungmin slams the door in his face. Never gets old.
If there is a God, Jisung believes he must have done something awful in a past life, why else would he punish him so? He had spent the last month reflecting on his feelings towards Seungmin, going so far to view the disgusting creature hidden inside himself with more understanding than vitriol. The creature looked less grotesque the more Jisung engaged with it; three weeks of actively trying to suppress his guilt-response to the creature’s words allowed him to understand it as something other than a monster. Love. It had named itself, and Jisung had screamed in response.
He had feelings for his closest friend. Romantic feelings. Jisung despaired over this for a while, until a more deluded part of him crept forward in his mind. A small, desperately hopeful part of him that imagined the possibility of his feelings being requited. He had fallen prone to hopefulness in his yearning, and then Seungmin sent it all tumbling as he often did without realising. Three months after the breakup, he had turned to Jisung as they sat on the couch with Buffy playing as a form of white noise.
“I’m dating someone,” He said. Hope was perhaps the cruelest of all feelings, Jisung thought faintly. “Met her on a dating app, she’s nice,” and the killing blow of the news, “she likes Buffy too.”
“Oh,” Jisung blinked in surprise, trying to maintain composure and appear supportive. “Dude that's like… so great… Does she go to school here?”
“She lives three hours away actually.”
“Long distance! That’s okay with you?”
“Should be.” And that’s all he heard about Seungmin’s mystery girlfriend, to his knowledge, they went on three official dates across three painstakingly long months. The man doesn’t talk about her, Jisung wonders to himself if he even likes the girl.
They’re at a smaller group event at Chan’s, where wine and cheese was provided to guests. Seungmin shocks Jisung’s system yet again, pinot gris glass in hand as he drops a random piece of knowledge to the group.
“I broke up with her.” He says, slight slur to his words. Every head snaps in the man’s direction as Seungmin laughs in a self-deprecating manner. “Wanna see the message I sent?”
Jisung grabs the phone first while the others react to the news around him. The message reads:
I’ve been thinking about your needs in comparison to my wants in a relationship recently, and I believe that if you date me your needs will never be fully met. You told me your love language is physical touch and I do not seek out physical proximity naturally, our class schedules and work rosters don’t align and I can’t make the three hour trip to you as easily as you can to me. You’re an incredible person but I don’t think I can give you what you need in a relationship. I’m sorry.
As far as breakup messages go, this one is well articulated and thought out. Jisung hopes that Seungmin isn’t being too harsh on himself. “...It’s a well written breakup message.” He tells the man, who looks at him strangely.
“Thank you?”
He jumps to explain himself further. “Like you clearly were careful not to hurt her feelings –”
“I guess?” Seungmin wouldn’t take a freaking compliment if Jisung whacked him over the head with one, it aggravates him.
“Just take the compliment oh my God…” He groans dramatically, dragging his hand over his face. Jisung watches as Seungmin holds up his hands in mock-surrender, the playful action almost disguising the sheer exhaustion in the man’s eyes.
The conversation shifts to something more upbeat around them, and he can’t stop watching him. He’s so acutely aware of everything ‘Seungmin’ it makes him feel insane, but the man continues to remain unaware of Jisung’s crisis.
Lee Minho is more than aware of Jisung’s predicament, however. The man makes this apparent during one of his weekly visits to the apartment. He had answered the door in place of Seungmin, smiling in an unsettling manner at him.
“Oh hello Jisung, Seungmin’s just gone down to the corner store to grab some things for me,” Minho scares the shit out of Jisung sometimes. “He’ll be back in five, come on in!” He beckons him into what feels like his doom.
“It’s okay, I can go wait in my car–!” Before he can finish his sentence, Minho has grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and dragged him across the threshold of the apartment; slamming the door behind him and locking it. Oh fuck, Jisung imagines his death at the hands of Seungmin’s cat obsessed roommate.
“Are you planning on trying to keep your feelings hidden forever?” The man hisses at him and Jisung pales, does Minho think he has feelings for him? Oh God, he’s going to have to reject Minho, who will then probably kill him. Jisung hasn’t attended church in over a decade yet he finds himself reciting Hail Marys internally.
“I-I uh don’t know what you mean?” Jisung coughs, his back against the wall as Minho looms over him. If he wasn’t head over heels for Seungmin he’d probably be into the intimidation act Minho has going for him, but alas, all he can think is of how to get out of this situation before the man comes home.
“You know what I mean.”
“I really don’t.”
“Every time you come over here, you’re so obvious I’m surprised Seungmin hasn’t noticed yet.”
“Noticed what?”
“I’m going to fucking murder you actually.”
“Look dude, you’re an attractive man but my heart is spoken for already.” Minho pauses his tirade against Jisung to look at the man like he’s realised how stupid he actually is.
“Oh my fucking…” He whispers to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose like an exhausted parent might. “I’m talking about your feelings for Seungmin, dickhead!” Minho smacks him on the arm and it hurts.
“Ohhh okay, that makes sense,” Jisung coughs under the older man’s piercing gaze. “What about them?”
“Does he know?”
“I hope not?”
“Why not?” Minho asks the golden question.
“Sorry?”
“Why haven’t you told him?”
“Well, the thing is –”
“...You both have chemistry, shared interests, he doesn’t get too annoyed with your…” Minho gestures vaguely at Jisung.
“... You just gestured at all of me.”
“Exactly. And you can withstand Seungmin’s mega infodumps about Buffy like no one else can, it’s incredible.”
“Your point being?”
“My point is that you have a chance at something real here, why would you do yourself and Seungmin such a disservice keeping your feelings hidden from him? Does he not deserve something good?”
“He deserves the world.”
“What if he just needs you?”
“Doubtful,” Minho smacks him again, hard. “Ow! What the fuck?”
“Pull your head in,” He warns, and Jisung all but trembles. “Before you lose it.”
There's a knock at the door, Seungmin’s back. Jisung silently thanks the universe for granting him temporary freedom from Minho’s threatening presence as the man moves to unlock the door for his roommate. Seungmin enters the apartment to find his friend sprawled in a mock-relaxed position on the couch, Jisung waves at the man; he tries to ignore the mimed death threat Minho makes at him out of Seungmin’s line of vision.
“Hey Seung, Minho let me in while you were out,” He smiles at Seungmin, whose face clouds with what appears to be worry. “Is that okay? Sorry for dropping by unannounced.”
“What? No, no, it’s fine,” Seungmin shakes his head and smiles weakly, grabbing the TV remote. Weird. “You weren’t waiting long, I hope?” He switches on the TV and walks towards his DVD boxset of Buffy seasons.
“Not at all!” Jisung swears, attempting to reassure Seungmin of whatever concern he was experiencing. “I got here less than like, five minutes ago, you’re fine dude.”
Seungmin hums. “Season six tonight?”
“Yeah okay, feeling angsty tonight?”
“Sort of, don’t feel like talking though, sorry.”
“That’s okay.” And they don’t talk, instead they opt to sit silently side by side on the couch, knees brushing occasionally. Jisung is thankful to see Buffy ripped out of heaven on-screen, at least someone is having a worse time than he is currently; he thinks as he watches her claw her way out of her grave post-resurrection, Buffy has been through worse.
-
It is a well established truth that Seungmin is god-awful at texting, Jisung knows this. But something is wrong, and the only tangible proof he has of this fact is the fact that Seungmin has cancelled their Buffy evenings for two weeks in a row. Their recent texts look something like this:
Buffy tonight? :)
Not tonight, sorry.
Too tired.
That’s okay! Get some rest <3
This repeats on a daily basis for the entirety of the first week, in the second week however, Seungmin stops responding almost completely.
Buffy tonight?
If you’re feeling better?
Seungmin?
Are you okay?
Not this week, sorry.
Did I do something?
It’s not you.
It’s not Jisung. It’ll never be him. He understands that, but as much as Seungmin’s silence hurts him; concern carries more weight in the situation.
On day fourteen, he texts Minho:
Hey, sorry to bother you and all but can you check on Seungmin?
He’s kind of ghosting me atm and I just wanna make sure he’s not like
dead yk?
Minho views the message, but Jisung doesn’t receive a response for at least two hours after the fact. He squints at the several, borderline angry texts from the man and a frustrated sob racks his body.
You didn’t tell him did you?
Pull your fucking head in, for Seungmin’s sake at least
Fucks sake
Wanker
Was the last part necessary?
I’ll tell him when the time feels right
Stop rushing me!!!
Absolutely necessary
Wanker
TIME IS RUNNING OUT
MOVE QUICKLY
GO
GO
GO
Also
Seungmin is full of oxygen and pumping blood
He’s also showered
And eaten
Expect a message in your near future
Jisung thinks that Minho might have crawled directly from Wonderland onto planet Earth, with all his cryptic nonsense he spouts. But sure enough, day fifteen of no Seungmin creeps around and he finds himself staring at a message from the man himself.
Sorry for disappearing. Come over tonight for Buffy and an explanation?
See you soon!
The two of them sit cuddled up on the couch, a Buffy episode from season five plays before them. They’ve both seen the show so much that they often watch episodes out of order or at random. Jisung is hyperaware of Seungmin’s head resting on his shoulder, hair tickling his neck. They’ve yet to talk about the two week disappearance, Jisung decides to talk first as he so often does.
“Are you okay?” He asks, fingers scraping gently along Seungmin’s scalp; playing with his hair keeps him calm. “I was worried when we didn’t have a Buffy evening for nearly two weeks.” No matter how he phrases the concern, Jisung feels needy and he hates it. Seungmin looks up at him and he sees the exhaustion that the man must be feeling in his face, puffy eyes with dark circles blink slowly.
“‘M tired Sungie.” Seungmin mumbles, making Jisung’s chest ache in response. “‘Just wanted to pause everything.” The phrase is something that he has wished for at times in his own life, usually at his lowest points.
Jisung hums and continues to stroke Seungmin’s hair, beginning to scrape his fingernails against his friend's scalp, he empathises. “I get that, did anything happen to cause this?”
He wants to understand the man, he’d do anything to peer inside his brain for just five minutes. Seungmin’s emotions are easy to read, but the reasoning for them is nowhere near obvious to Jisung. Part of him wants to call the man’s bluff when he shakes his head no at his question, they both know a two week slump wasn’t completely unprompted; but if he doesn’t feel like talking Jisung won’t make him. He just wishes the man could see him as a confidant like Jisung sees him as his potential soulmate, otherwise he feels their friendship is becoming dangerously unbalanced.
“You know you can tell me anything, right?” He asks him, talk to me, please. Desperation cries out from within him. I’m right here, can’t you see me? Jisung continues focusing on his scalp massage, turning his attention to the TV.
Seungmin nods in response to his offer right as Spike confesses his love for Buffy on TV. “Same goes for you.” He repeats to Jisung. The words sound empty to both of them. If Seungmin won’t talk to him, he sure as hell won’t talk to Seungmin about his feelings. As if confirming this decision as the right one to make, Buffy proceeds to reject Spike’s confession brutally and Jisung sees his future with Seungmin prophesied by a television episode.
“Yeah,” he mumbles. “I know.”
“You’re beneath me.” Buffy spits on the screen in front of them, Jisung hears the words repeated in his head, voiced by Seungmin in place of Sarah Michelle Gellar.
-
Jisung keeps getting caught staring lately, Seungmin will pause in his actions and lock eyes with him; there’s only so many times he’s able to realistically zone out while looking in Seungmin’s direction specifically, yet the man accepts the excuse each time Jisung offers it with an awkward laugh. You’re beneath me. Continues on loop in his mind like a broken record.
Jisung’s thoughts have become bolder from too much time marinating in his skull. Desire is perhaps the most disruptive in his daily routine, jumping out from its hidey hole in his mind when the man is enjoying his weekly couch cuddle with Seungmin; I could kiss him right now desire purrs, Jisung mentally swats it away as one would deter a blowfly in the summertime. Not right now, he hisses to the bundle of forbidden thoughts and emotions that his mind has anthropomorphised for him. Desire beckons him forward and whispers; Seungmin would probably enjoy it. Jisung feels his face burning hot at the images his mind continues to conjure.
“What’cha thinkin’ bout?” Seungmin, harbinger of chaos, asks him. The man has the nerve to poke one of his steadily reddening cheeks afterwards. Jisung tries to recollect himself.
“What am I thinking about? Um…” His lips are so red, I wonder how red I could make them? He realises his eyes have followed his thoughts and brings his eyes back up to meet the taller man’s curious gaze. “Um…” He croaks, looking around desperately for something to use as an excuse, he spots a card on the display cabinet. Bingo. “Your birthday!” He yells, cheeks burning hot as coals.
Seungmin just looks at him, the picture of confusion. “My…birthday?” He repeats, drawing out each syllable like he thinks he might have misheard the other man. Jisung wants to die.
“Yeah!” His voice cracks halfway through the word, why can’t God just end it here? Jisung has been through enough. He clears his throat. “You know, because it’s coming up soon.”
“It’s March.” Seungmin’s birthday is in September, they share a birth month.
“...Always good to plan ahead! Am I right?”
Seungmin leans in close to his face and Jisung finds himself holding his breath, is he…? He lets his eyes flutter shut in anticipation for a… palm against his forehead? Right, he’s been acting insane. He burns hot with embarrassment as Seungmin frowns at him, concern written in his furrowed brows. “Are you okay?”
It’s a miracle that Faith and Buffy begin fighting on the television screen when they do, and Jisung successfully diverts Seungmin’s attention to the scene playing out in their show. Thank you Buffy, he thinks to himself. You’re beneath me. Plays in his mind in response to his gratitude, Jisung curses the universe for his suffering.
-
Buffy tonight?
Seungmin texts him one night after roughly a week of overt weirdness from Jisung. His anxiety has hit an all time high lately. You’re beneath me. Punctuates the various worst case scenarios his mind conjures of Seungmin’s response to the feelings he has yet to articulate to him.
Sounds good!! See u soon :))
Jisung types his response with shaking hands. Changbin watches him like the busybody he is. “Texting Seung?” He glares at the beefy man, who laughs. “You gonna tell him?” Jisung buries his face in his hands and screams. He is so, so, tired of the question. He doesn’t realise he’s crying until he feels his friend rubbing his back, and suddenly heavy sobs rip through his shaking frame. He clings to Changbin like a lifeline as his chest caves in, his lungs expanding and contracting frantically as they try to take in oxygen that refuses to enter him.
His roommate doesn’t say anything, he just grabs one of his hands and lets him squeeze it as hard as he needs while the other hand traces patterns across the sobbing man’s back. Jisung’s thankful for his friend’s physical strength as he squeezes his hand hard enough to cause some knuckles to crack loudly. “Sorry.” He gasps through his tears, and the man laughs at him.
“‘Kept that bottled up for a while, huh?” He has seen Jisung in worse states than this, he remembers. He wipes the tears out of his eyes and sniffles, this is so embarrassing. “What’s racing through your brain, man?”
You’re beneath me. Plays on cue and Jisung sniffs, looking around for a tissue. He accepts a tissue offered by the shorter man with a quiet thanks, before speaking. “Everyone keeps telling me to confess to Seungmin,” Changbin nods, following. “But my brain won’t stop giving me these like… imagined scenes, where I confess and Seungmin… Seungmin hates me after.” It sounds silly out loud, but Changbin could also remember a time pre-Seungmin.
“Why would I ever like you?”
The man looks at him with an earnest expression. “Jisung-ah,” his voice is gentle, careful, “do you honestly think Seungmin would treat you like that?”
Of course he would. His brain replies reflexively. I’m disgusting, he’d do well to wash his hands of me. A more defiant part of him disagrees with this sentiment, Jisung thinks that the positive parts of his psyche resemble Seungmin somehow. “No,” he admits, “he wouldn’t hurt me like that, I know that, I just…” He sighs. “I don’t see how he could feel the same.”
“Why not?”
“Because of…” Jisung gestures broadly at himself.
“Are you using the art of mime to express self-hatred right now?” Changbin always knows how to startle a laugh out of him, Jisung thinks it's one of the man’s hidden talents.
“Maybe?” Jisung dodges a punch. “Hey! Don’t hit me while I’m down man!” He’s giggling too hard for the other man to take him seriously. Changbin changes his approach to something softer, eyes considering his roommates' condition carefully.
“You know,” he says, crossing his arms. “If you took, like, five minutes to step outside your wallowing; you’d see how different he treats you from everyone else.”
“Swear you’re not bullshitting to make me feel better right now?”
“I swear on my mother’s life.”
“Fuck, okay then.” Changbin calls his mum every two nights and would fall apart without her most likely, Jisung knows he’s deadly serious in his observations. This changes things, somehow. You’re beneath me. The volume of the phrase grows quieter, until he can no longer make out the words.
-
He arrives at Seungmin’s door just over two hours after saying he’d be over soon. The door flies open in the middle of Jisung’s second knock and he stands in the doorway, fist raised as he takes in his friend’s appearance. The man’s eyes scan him from head-to-toe and he pretends not to notice the flush decorating the tips of Seungmin’s ears. The taller man has yet to move out of the entrance, and an awkward silence washes over the pair of men as either one waits for the other to move.
“Hello.” Seungmin’s voice sounds shaky, but his nervous smile makes him feel weak in the knees. He does want to sit down, however, so he responds.
“Hey man,” he needs to stop bro-zoning the man he wants to kiss. “Can I?” Jisung gestures vaguely into the apartment, feeling himself flushing from the weird tension. Seungmin snaps into action at the request, practically throwing himself out of his path.
“Oh! Of course,” Seungmin mumbles a series of apologies that Jisung strains to hear. “Come on in!” The shorter man enters the apartment, unable to keep the puzzled expression from his face as his friend ushers him in. He watches as Seungmin moves almost robotically towards the TV, hands gripping the remote like a lifeline. Jisung plops onto the couch cushion, stained from the previous owners. He’s beginning to wonder if Changbin is correct, or if Seungmin is just extra frazzled for some reason this evening. The remote clicks and he hears the opening notes of Once More With Feeling in the background, Seungmin always uses this episode as a mood-booster.
“So…” Jisung tries to cut through the silence at the same time as the other man, their voices overlapping. “Oh shit!” He swears, so suave. “You go first.”
“No, no,” Seungmin counters, “you first, I can wait.” The corners of his mouth flick upwards into one of his little half-smiles that drive Jisung insane, the lord is testing him tonight apparently.
“How was your day?” He opts for meaningless small talk to cut the tension, but forgets that small talk is not something they do with each other; Jisung has just made the awkwardness worse he realises belatedly. He notices Buffy singing about the monotony of daily life and it makes him feel slightly better again.
“My day?” The man points to himself, Jisung nods to confirm that yes, he wants to hear about Seungmin’s day. “It was okay, nothing too crazy, how about you?” I should just kiss him.
He shoves the thought aside to process his friend’s question, blinking rapidly. Would he really say no? Hope whispers to him, slowing Jisung’s response time to the point that Seungmin cuts through his internal dialogue.
“What is that?” The man asks him, leading Jisung to realise that he’s zoned out staring at his friend again. He feels his eyes widen, lip catching between his teeth as he thinks of how to respond. He decides to play it cool.
“What are you talking about?” The nervous scratching at the back of his head paired with his breathy laugh doesn’t exactly read as cool as he hoped. Seungmin scrunches his nose, likely gathering the words to verbalise his thoughts.
“You look at me weird lately.”
“Weird how?” Jisung’s heart is pounding in his ears, weird like I want you to kiss me weird? Or weird like leave me alone? He prays to every God he knows of to grant him the first option. He searches his friend’s gaze for some form of hint at his odds of success, Seungmin just throws his head back and groans like he’s in pain.
“I don’t know,” The man whines. “Forget it, I’m probably imagining things.” He’s clearly giving up on the conversation, Jisung panics. What if I never get another chance? Desperation claws his throat, puppeteering his next action.
“You’re not.” I want you, however you’ll have me. He’s barely processed the fact that the words were said out loud when Seungmin gapes at him.
“I’m sorry, what?”
Jisung clarifies. “It’s not all in your head, I’ve been weird with you.” He sheds some weight from his shoulders with the confession. Seungmin looks at him with something unfamiliar in his stare.
“But – why?” He asks. Jisung takes a shaky inhale and suddenly the words come tumbling out of him, just as Spike starts singing his solo on screen.
“I’ve been practicing how I’d do this,” He exhales sharply, it’s now or never he thinks as he looks around; relieved at the distinct lack of Minho from the premises. “I wanted my words to be perfect, you know?” He’s praying the other man will catch his hint, save Jisung from his shame.
“Words for what?” Jisung realizes that he has to spell it out for the man. He whines like a child on the verge of a tantrum.
“Kim Seungmin, I like you a lot, please date me?” His face has never burned as hot as it does when he utters an explicit confession, words sounding strangled as they emerge from his throat. Seungmin doesn’t reject him immediately, which is appreciated. However, the man just stares at him, peering into Jisung’s soul while he waits with bated breath for his response. A minute passes and he’s half-convinced he’ll die if he doesn’t respond soon. “Seungmin, you’re killing me here.” He pleads, words bordering on whiney.
“Can I kiss you?” Seungmin asks.
“Oh, thank fuck.” Jisung can breathe again, surging into action at the other man’s request. His hand cups Seungmin’s jaw and he moves in closer, his mission is clear. Although his eyes are closed as he presses his lips to the waiting pair, Jisung feels eyes on him. He pulls back to find Seungmin staring down at him. “Dude, close your eyes.” He huffs a laugh and Seungmin obliges.
Truth be told, Jisung has only kissed two other people in his life. He prays that his enthusiasm kissing Seungmin makes up for the lack of experience, because he is very thrilled to be able to kiss the man after so long simply imagining it. His imagination doesn’t do Seungmin justice, he could just eat him up. He bites the man’s bottom lip and hears a faint wince, he notes that he’s probably overdone it with the biting. Seungmin pulls back and he looks up at the dishevelled man through half-lidded eyes, feeling pride knowing that he’s the cause of Seungmin’s dishevelment.
“Jisung?” He hears faintly.
“Mmhm?” He blinks away the post-kiss daze to look up at Seungmin who waits expectantly for his attention, he nods his head to encourage him to continue.
“I’m autistic.” Jisung is confused, mostly because he swore Seungmin had told him this before. It was either that or he had just assumed, given the rigid routines and intense love for Buffy.
“Oh,” He pauses, how do you tell an autistic person that you knew they were autistic before they said anything without it sounding offensive? His mouth moves before his brain reaches a conclusion to the question. “I mean no offense, but I kinda figured that out already?” At least he started with no offense.
“What gave it away?” Seungmin asks him, eyes not quite locked onto Jisung’s.
“For the most part? Buffy.”
“Right. Well,” Seungmin heaves a sigh like he’s admitting something awful. “I’m also asexual.”
Jisung blinks, processing what that means for him. More quality time and less strenuous sexual activity? He just keeps winning tonight. “That’s okay, thank you for telling me.” Seungmin blinks.
“You might go months dating me without having sex.” He says the words slowly, like he’s not convinced Jisung understands what he’s saying.
He shrugs. “I can deal.” He says, as long as I have you.
“Why?” Seungmin looks so confused for a reason he doesn’t understand.
“Why what?”
“Why bother?” Seungmin looks down and clenches his fist into the blanket. “‘M not worth the stress.” Jisung feels like he’s stepped through the looking glass. If anything, he’s not worth the extra stress he’d likely cause Seungmin.
“Do you need to understand a choice before you allow someone else to make it?” He asks the man.
“Ideally, yes.” Seungmin responds, dead serious.
“I’m sorry to disappoint,” Jisung smiles at him. “But you’re worth the extra wrinkles.”
“...What if I cause gray hairs?”
“You can help me dye it.”
“Balding?”
“Hey now, please don’t manifest that for me.”
The conversation devolves into giggles, Jisung takes every opportunity to peck Seungmin on the lips. He feels shame burn away within his psyche, a now glowing Love chasing the feeling into the shadows. Love grows brighter with each kiss, long freed from its slimy casing; no longer did the creature look grotesque from various beatings. Tiny wings reveal themselves on Love’s back, flapping in excitement at the scene before it.
“Coffee tomorrow?” Seungmin asks him. Jisung replies with an enthusiastic:
“Yes!”
They watch as Spike and Buffy kiss passionately in an alleyway, Jisung doesn’t really care for the romantic pairing of the two characters personally, he prefers Buffy with Faith; though he has been informed that his dislike of Spike and Buffy’s relationship was hypocritical, as both Spike and Faith behave toxically to Buffy at points in their respective relationships. Regardless of his disinterest, he finds something funny about the uncanny timing the on-screen couple has had with his own relationship timeline of events with Seungmin. Jisung is mentally drawing parallels from his position lying on top of the man he’d just confessed to when Minho walks into the kitchen. The man pulls a tub of vanilla ice cream from the freezer and glances over tiredly at the two of them cuddled on the couch, taking in the post-makeout glow on either face, then grunts a question. “Solved the mystery, did you?” Again, Jisung thinks, cheshire cat.
Seungmin beams, clearly having context that the other man lacks. “We’re dating.” Minho sighs like an old man burdened by many years on Earth, despite being only two years older than the pair. His eyes lock onto the smaller man sprawled across his roommate.
“You told him then?” The question is mostly rhetorical, but Jisung flushes under the man’s scrutiny all the same. He feels obliged to give the older man a long-winded playthrough of events.
“Kinda? I mean…” He starts to explain before being cut off, Minho makes the hand gesture for “zip it” and Jisung snaps his jaw shut.
“Actually, I’ve lost interest now,” The man deposits a large scoop of ice cream into a bowl and he has to pretend that his stomach doesn’t growl in jealousy. “Tell me… tomorrow.” Minho says to Seungmin, before making a quick escape back to his bedroom; bowl of ice cream in hand.
Jisung prays that Minho saves the interrogation for Seungmin, he doesn’t want to be privy to the cat man’s line of questioning again. He casts his eyes back to the man in question, who looks positively radiant. He plants a kiss on top of tousled hair, earning a giggle in response.
“Should we watch another episode tonight?” Jisung asks earnestly, remote poised to press play. Seungmin laughs and shakes his head no, surprising the other man.
“I think Buffy’s helped enough tonight, somehow.” The words are corny, but Jisung lets it slide. Seungmin gets a free pass, especially with the boxy grin he wears while looking down at him. He needs to see him smile like that more often, Jisung decides on the spot after feeling like his heart might explode in response to the rare full-bodied smile.
“Were you planning to channel Buffy if you confessed first?” He teases the man. Seungmin huffs a laugh and scrunches his nose in contemplation.
“...I was worried I’d sound like Xander.” The man confesses quietly, Jisung can’t help but gasp in shock at the admission. He grabs both of Seungmin’s hands and covers them with his own.
“We have got to work on your self-esteem.” This provokes yet another case of the giggles in the two of them.
Jisung still remains as inconsistent as he has ever been. He was late to work the other day, misplacing his keys somewhere in his apartment. He’s cancelled his gym membership for the time being, needing to dedicate more time to his music. Three areas of his life remain consistent:
- His ADHD medication that he (allegedly) takes daily.
- Buffy evenings at Seungmin’s place, which ranges from once a week or - if he’s feeling extra clingy - up to three times in any given week.
And, most importantly:
3. His love for his best-friend-turned-boyfriend, and the knowledge that Seungmin sees something beautiful in him. Although this beauty is currently invisible to Jisung, he sees himself reflected in another's loving gaze. It’s not perfect but for now it’s enough.