Work Text:
I'm done living like this.
I'm alone.
I'm in pain all the time.
I'm Unwanted by those that claim to love me.
I'm Forgotten when it matters most to me.
I'm Physically Rejected by the one man that's supposed to love me 'till death do us part'.
I'm Emotionally Misunderstood by everyone.
I'm Physically and emotionally Weak due to illnesses no one can visually see.
Hold me... please. Just hold me and let me cry out my pain.
(... that hug never comes.)
I'm Useless, unless you need me for something.
I'm Very Unhappy, but you don't seem to notice.
I'm Physically and Mentally Broken, but you don't seem to care.
I'm Friendless. That's more than obvious.
I'm Empty.
I'm Heart-broken.
Hold me...
I wake up every day and try to find a reason to move forward.
I fight to not cut the veins that will lead to endless peace in fifteen seconds.
It would be over so quickly, no more pain, no more sadness, no more emptiness.
I have come close more times than I have counted.
...Hold me.
Peace, is too much to ask for.
Peace, is unattainable for me.
Peace, is not what I deserve.
Pain is what I have.
Pain is my constant.
Pain is my punishment.
Pain is my friend.
I still cannot fathom why...
Just fucking hold me.
What did I do wrong?
There are no answers forthcoming.
No moment where everything fits into place.
No way of making things seem right.
I was loved once...
maybe?
...or so I believed.
I was cared for, or at least, I thought I was.
Hold me.
I was the object of desire, until I got sick.
I was told I was beautiful.
...but it was a lie.
Now I am ... I am ... lonely and empty.
I am never alone, but always lonely.
I will end this life, because there is no happiness left in me.
I don't understand why I was forgotten, forsaken and unwanted.
I don't know what I did wrong.
I don't know why...
I tried.
I really did.
... hold me.
...Rejected.
Over and over...
I failed.
I keep trying, I kept failing.
I was pushed away.
...ignored by so many that I cared about.
Told 'No' too many times.
Better to not ask then to be rejected again.
Rejection...
No one will hold me.
'No', hurts worse than not asking.
Don't ask... never ask again.
Make the pain go away.
Please... make it stop.
If you don't ask, then the words won't hurt.
The emptiness remains either way...
Please... make the pain stop.
Hold me... please?
Talk to me?
Your voice, a healing balm to the chaos of my pain, ever silent.
You have never said my name.
You will never bother to try.
Please, tell me I'm going to be okay, even if it's a lie.
Let me know I'm still alive.
That I matter.
Please.
Please tell me that I matter.
Let me know I'm still here.
Tell me you want me to be...
You never answer.
You get distant.
What did I do wrong?
It hurts when you're distant.
You're angry at me, right?
Always.
Mad at me...
I always do things wrong...
I say the wrong things.
I do the wrong things.
It's why you don't answer me anymore.
Why you avoid me.
You would never hold me.
You would never comfort me.
You don't see me, you never did...
I am nothing.
I was always nothing.
Today I was called a 'Thieving Cunt' as HE forgot HE gave me money to buy HIM juice/soda/seltzer and cigarettes. But no, I'm the 'Thieving Cunt'.
He has yet to apologize for saying it, and I doubt he will.
But fuck me, right? Who am I to ask for an apology.
Three days... it took three days of me not speaking to him or doing a damn thing for him before he tried to apologize.
I informed him that even with his apology, it was too late.
We have been through this talk so many times that it has become tedious and pointless to even bother.
He will do nothing about it.
To prove my point, I told him everything that has been bothering me.
I also let him know that we have spoken about this issue several times in the past five years, and nothing changed even with his promises to do so.
It has been nearly a month since that discussion, and...
Nothing changed.
He is back to being distant, sleeping on the sofa, and not even attempting to touch me.
I told him I am looking for a partner to satisfy my needs, as he obviously doesn't want to.
It's been two weeks since we had that talk.
He didn't like the fact that I said it, but has made no attempt to try and touch me.
In all fairness, I knew he wouldn't.
I know he has no interest.
I'll be alone when the time comes, and it will be a while before someone finds me.
Alone, afraid, unwanted and discarded.
I came into this world as a broken soul, I'll leave this world a battered, crushed, and empty shell that housed it.
Happiness was not meant for me.
I know where I'll end up, and what my torment will be.
There is no Silver City in my future, no Heaven to see me.
My Loop will replay every harsh word, every time I was made to feel less than my siblings.
Every instance my parents/siblings/friends reminded me that I wasn't good enough, well enough, or had ruined their plans because of my disability.
No, there is no peaceful, happily ever after.
Not for me.
My time is short now.
The sand in my hourglass is dangerously low.
No one seems to notice how far I've fallen into my darkness.
It has been 2 years, and instead of help... I was yelled at for not doing enough.
I never expected them to care.
My own therapist called me 'dramatic'.
No one cares enough to see how anything affects me, and I can honestly say, it's not a surprise to me.
Sadly, this life has taught me one very valuable lesson.
My continued existence is no longer required.
Will I be remembered? Maybe, but I will not missed, until they need something.
May Kane Fox forgive me.
He asked me once, ‘Please, don’t give up.’
It saved me, once.
Yet again, it only reminded me that those who say they care, can easily turn a blind eye.
He stopped talking to me as well.
I'm just so damn tired...