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Stede is 12 years old when he gets a general idea of what sex is. Not that he wanted to. It’s just he was forced to go to the Badminton twins’ birthday party and stuck in a group of boys telling crude jokes about what they’ve seen on TV and learned from their siblings.
It all sounds pretty icky, if Stede’s being honest. One of the boys looks at the grimace on Stede’s face and scoffs.
“Oh, you wouldn’t get it, Baby Bonnet. A bit too mature for the likes of you.”
Well, he’s 12 after all, he thinks. Why would he want to get it?
—
Stede is 17 years old and a little concerned. See, all his classmates have crushes and some have boyfriends and girlfriends and some of them have even had sex. Stede thinks he’s had crushes. There are some very pretty girls who he would like to get to know better. The girl in his art class, Mary, for example. She’s very talented and witty and she has this confident air about her that Stede very much admires. He’d certainly like to have a conversation with her. Is that a crush?
But also, he might think some boys are nice to look at and wants to get to know them. The problem is that anyone who’s seen liking someone of the same gender gets called awful things and cast out from most social circles in the school. That’s the last thing Stede needs.
So he focuses on the girls. The problem is, he’ll have to marry a girl someday. And then he’ll be expected to sleep with her. The idea makes Stede shudder. Maybe if he’s lucky, he’ll only have to sleep with his future wife one or two times, just to get a child out, as his father expects.
He doesn’t say this to anyone though, because he’ll either be labelled a faerie or a prude, and neither is good. The other problem is that he shouldn’t be accused of liking boys if he doesn’t want to sleep with them either. That also makes Stede shudder.
He just…doesn’t understand what he needs to get about sex.
—
Stede is 22 and still doesn’t understand.
He doesn’t understand why sex has become an even bigger deal in uni. Why it has to come as a given in romantic relationships.
Somehow, he manages to go on a few dates. A couple with girls, and yes, a couple with guys.
He feels bad that he doesn’t see them the way he should.
There’s one girl, sweet and bookish, who shyly asks him back to her place. He has to make sure he doesn’t accidentally grimace at the thought. Quite frankly, he doesn’t even like the idea of kissing her, but he gives her a peck on the cheek and that’s that.
Then there’s a rather handsome lad, Damien, who is in theatre and wears a lot of black, and Stede gets a little bit farther with him. Well, they’re pashing on Stede’s couch, but then Damien starts to make a move for his belt and Stede kind of shoves him off, his brain suddenly spinning and prickly and uncertain.
“Uh, sorry, I wasn’t—“
“Trying to lead me on?”
“I don’t—I mean—“ Stede thinks for a moment. Really examines Damien and thinks about the idea of having sex with him.
“Uh, I’m sorry, but—I don’t want to sleep with you Damien. Uh, ever.”
Damien huffs and smooths down his shirt.
“Well, you’re missing out. See you never.”
With a slam of the door, Damien is gone and Stede throws his head back and groans.
Why is it like this? What’s wrong with him?
But also, why does sex have to be a part of dating? What was wrong with what they were doing?
“Fuck,” Stede mutters. “I just wish someone would get it!”
—
Stede is 30 and has no idea how he’s fathered two children.
He’s forced into an arranged marriage with the girl from his art class, Mary. It turns out she is extremely talented and witty and much more self-confident than Stede.
It also turns out he is not into her, romantically or sexually.
He thinks she gets it, as they plan for the wedding. He thinks she understands that women aren’t his forte but that neither of them have a choice in the matter.
But on their wedding night, when he was 25, Stede confessed that he’d never had sex before.
“It’s kind of silly,” he had admitted with a weak laugh. “When I was younger I used to hope that I would only have to sleep with my spouse one or two times.” He sighed and avoided her eyes. “I always hoped that was normal to think. I don’t think it is.”
Mary took his hand and squeezed gently.
“It’s—maybe not ideal. And I know neither one of us would have chosen each other, not in a million years, but maybe we can make it work, okay? Sex is like—with the right person it’s good. Really good. I mean, maybe we can find someone for you on the side?”
Stede shook his head furiously. “First off, I could never do that to you. Second, I really don’t think it’s just you, Mary. I’ve never felt that way about anyone.” He sighed again, resigned. “Let’s just figure out how to make this work for now, okay?”
Mary smiled sadly and nodded.
Suffice to say, the two times weren’t particularly enjoyable.
But he and Mary have an understanding. Even over the years, she doesn’t seem to get it, but Stede doesn’t expect her to get it. She thinks that maybe someday he can find the right person, but he really doesn’t think that would happen.
They get into arguments about it sometimes.
“Stede, really, I understand where you’re coming from, but maybe if—“
“No, you don’t! You don’t get it! No one does! I’m not what you think I am! God, I just want someone to actually, truly get it!”
—
Stede is 35 and his life is really changing for the better.
He and Mary get divorced after she admits she’s in love with her painting instructor. They split custody of their beloved children. Stede quits his damned job at his father’s damned company. He comes out as gay.
He also comes out as asexual.
He supposes he’s known for quite a while, looking back on his life, but he didn’t have a word for it then and didn’t know it was completely normal.
During the divorce, Stede starts looking up more about sexuality and queer culture. Figures he should learn more about the community before really embracing it.
Then a word shows up: asexual.
And it’s like a fog has lifted from the sea.
That’s him. That’s him! Stede Bonnet is asexual! He likes looking at and kissing other men, but he doesn’t want to sleep with them or anyone else!
He phones Mary as soon as he figures it out and babbles excitedly to her that he wasn’t crazy, he wasn’t alone, he wasn’t broken.
“That’s lovely, dear,” she says. “I do hope you find someone who does actually get you someday. I know they’re out there.”
And while she had said it with kindness, it makes Stede’s heart drop.
Right. Dating. Dating as someone who doesn’t want to have sex. How does one do that?
Turns out, just because you now know who you are and are proud about it, doesn’t mean finding love gets any easier.
In fact, it’s still tricky. He tries to be open about his asexuality, but unfortunately no one he meets is quite on board.
Stede refuses to compromise on such an integral part of himself. He eventually decides to just go with the flow and put his love life on the back-burner. Quite frankly, he has more important things to worry about.
But every once in a while, he can’t help but wonder—
Is there someone out there who gets me?
—
Stede is 46 and on a date with this guy named Edward Teach. Somehow he had managed to talk to this devastatingly handsome man at Lucius’ party and muster up the courage to ask him out.
The date is going well. Really well. They just seem to click on so many levels and Stede finds himself completely enraptured by Ed. Of course, this will all be quite disappointing if Ed ends up wanting to have sex with him and he has to refuse, but at this point, he’s used to it.
They’re talking about coming out and when they realized that they’re gay, so Stede figures he can slip in that he’s also ace into the conversation. Might as well get it out of the way, even if Ed rejects him.
So he does.
And then Ed says something that seizes Stede’s attention completely.
“Wait, really? Asexuality? That’s a thing? Thought you just had to keep pretending to be into fucking people until you died.”
He says it with a dry laugh, eyes flicking briefly to Stede to see if he gets the joke.
But it’s in that joking attempt, in those pained eyes, that Stede knows.
Ed’s like him. He’s like Ed. They get each other.
Stede smiles sadly, sweetly, and he can’t help himself, he lays a hand gently over Ed’s. “Oh, Ed, it doesn’t have to be like that.”
Ed looks up at him, eyes wide and yearning, searching for the same thing Stede has been searching for all these years.
Understanding. Connection. Someone who gets it.
“Show me?” Ed asks quietly, heart open.
Stede beams at him, squeezing his hand. He watches precious relief flood Ed’s features, and it feels like an askew cog in his heart has finally clicked into place.
“I’d love to.”