Work Text:
Sounds of a bustling department store with Christmas music in the background and people talking, which fades out as the scene begins.
STEDE
Oh look! Santa’s ready for you, Louis! There you go! And I can’t thank you enough for seeing us, Santa. I know we kind of snuck in at the last minute there. I didn’t think your elves were going to let us in the line, but then I saw you talking to them, so I think we’ve got you to thank! I didn’t even realize you need reservations, now! But I promised Mary I’d take Louis, and this was really the only time that worked–
ED
Who’s this Mary, then?
STEDE
My wife. Ex. Ex-wife. Separated. Sorry. Carry on. I know you made extra time for us, I’m sure you want to wrap things up and get out of here.
ED
None of that! I’ve got all the time in the world. Wanna hop up, Louis is it?
LOUIS
Yes. Okay, I guess.
ED
Don’t sound too excited.
LOUIS
Is your beard real?
ED
Of course. Why wouldn’t it be.
LOUIS
Most Santas don’t have real beards. And yours isn’t really white. More like gray-beard.
ED
It’s ‘cause it’s a real beard and I’m the real Santa.
LOUIS
Hmm.
STEDE
I told you, Louis. That’s why we always come here. For the real Santa.
ED
I knew I’d met you before. I could never forget a kid. Or his handsome dad. No teal suit today, though, huh?
STEDE
Oh! (laughs) You…remember me?
ED
Of course. Stede, right?
STEDE
Yes! I can't believe…
ED
You should always believe, Stede. So, Louis. What would you like for Christmas this year?
LOUIS
I want a scooter and a Batman lego set and a puppy and a robot kit.
ED
I don’t know if I can do the puppy. They don’t tend to get along with the reindeer. It’s a bit of a rough go.
LOUIS
Dad said probably not, too. But thought I’d ask.
ED
Anything else, then?
LOUIS
There is one more thing. I would really really really really really really really like Dad to move back home.
STEDE
Oh! Sweetie. That’s not really Santa’s purview, there.
LOUIS
But if you’re the real Santa, then you’re magic, right?
ED
Right, but, uhhh…
STEDE
I’m so sorry. Louis, I think we’ve taken up enough–
ED
Naw, it’s okay. Of course you want your dad to move home. You miss him, right?
LOUIS
Yeah.
ED
But he’s here now. You still get to see him, right?
LOUIS
Yeah. But it’s not the same.
ED
Yeah. No, of course not. I’ll tell you what, Louis. I can do a lot of things with my magic. But I’m very careful about how I use it. Even if I could get your dad to move home, it might not really be a good idea, yeah?
LOUIS
I don’t know.
ED
I don’t know either. I mean, I know everything, obviously. Watching all the time and all that. But only your mom and dad can really know what’s right for your family. And even though he’s not always there with you, he’s always there for you, right? I could tell he wasn’t gonna give up easy tonight to get you a meeting with me. Your dad’s always gonna be in your corner. That’s something I know for sure.
LOUIS
Yeah. I guess.
ED
Good. You ready for Christmas? Gonna leave me some cookies?
LOUIS
Yeah!
ED
Great! Now, I need to talk some Christmas logistics with your dad here, Louis. Hey, you like trains right? (pause) Good. Fang! Archie! Show Louis how the train works!
LOUIS
Wow! (Or ooh! Or yay!)
Sounds of Louis running off and then the sounds of a toy train.
ED
You okay?
STEDE
Yeah. No. I don’t know. Fang? You have an elf named Fang?
ED
He’s my fixer.
STEDE
Oh. I guess I suppose in an operation this big you’d need…thanks though. I’m sorry about all that.
ED
Sorry? For what?
STEDE
For bringing you all these problems. That’s not really your job. God, I’m always bringing things down.
ED
Hey, come here. (pause) Closer. (pause) Closer.
STEDE
Why? Here?
ED
Yup. Up you go then.
STEDE
What? Oh! (shuffling sound) Gosh, you’re strong! I guess Santa works out now, ha!
ED
Don’t worry. Still got the bowl full of jelly. Well, more marmalade in my case, probably.
STEDE
(laughs) Bowl full of jelly, hardly. (clears throat) Really. Well, this is…umm…something. I haven’t sat on Santa’s lap since I was…well, honestly I don’t really remember. My parents never brought me to see Santa.
ED
Well, I guess not every family does Santa Claus. I try not to take it personally, but–
STEDE
Oh, we did Santa Claus. In fact, I was quite grateful to Santa. I was convinced no one would bring me any presents if it weren’t for him. My father made it clear I didn’t deserve any.
ED
That’s pretty fucked up.
STEDE
I suppose, but I had it better than a lot, I guess. Just a lonely kid, though. I did believe in Santa for quite a long time, probably too long. It got me into trouble. I was caught writing a letter to Santa, when I really should have outgrown it. Nigel Badminton grabbed the letter off my desk, read it aloud to the class. They all called me “Baby Bonnet” after that.
ED
Jesus.
STEDE
I’m doing it again. Killing the vibes with my sad sack stories. I’m terribly sorry. I’ll just–
ED
You’re not going anywhere.
STEDE
Oh! Yes, I forgot, quite, heh, strong. I guess you’ve got me. Umm.
ED
Don’t worry, won’t hold you for ransom. Just need to get to the important question.
STEDE
Uh. Yes?
ED
What would you like for Christmas?
STEDE
Really?
ED
Really.
STEDE
Haven’t I already taken up enough of your time?
ED
I’m not complaining.
STEDE
Oh. Okay. Well, then. I really just wish I could do more for the kids. It’s gonna be such a weird Christmas for them. So much upheaval. And Louis’s birthday is Christmas Eve. It’s a terrible time for a birthday anyway! And his best friends are out of town for the holidays. Mary and I decided to have an official birthday party for him in a few weeks, after school is back in session, but I still want the day to be special for him. I knew divorce was going to be an unpleasant experience, but I just wish it could be easier on the kids…what?
ED
No, I was just going to say, when women talked about finding it really attractive when guys are good dads, I thought it was all weird straight person fertility bullshit. But maybe I get it.
STEDE
What? I’m not…umm….
ED
Never mind. Listen. Do you think a certain kid would like a visit from Santa on his birthday? Would that maybe make it a little more special?
STEDE
Oh! You mean…you would…? Yes! Yes, that would be amazing! If you’re really available. I’m happy to pay whatever the rate for that is, I’m sure Santa on Christmas Eve–
ED
No, like. I'm happy to do it. I'm not going to charge you.
STEDE
Oh! But. Why…I mean, yes! But…why….
ED
Really?
STEDE
What?
ED
Thought I was being a bit obvious here.
STEDE
I don’t follow.
ED
Just. I…like…think you’re really hot and…sweet…and I’d like to see you again. And I like doing the whole Santa thing, so it’s not like a burden or anything…
STEDE
(pause) Oh…
ED
Oh. God. But not like some sort of transactional thing. Like. I’ll do you this favor if you go out with me. Jesus. Now I’m coming off like a downright creep aren’t I.
STEDE
No! Not at all! Um…
ED
It’s fine. It’s fine. I don’t even know if you’re into guys. Sorry. Sorry! Just got kind of a vibe. But it’s whatever! Don’t worry about it! Ha. I mean. Ho ho ho.
STEDE
Santa! Sorry. What’s your actual name?
ED
Ed.
STEDE
Ed. I’m so pleased to formally meet you, Ed. I would like nothing more than to go out with you. I just didn’t expect it, that’s all. Wow.
ED
Oh, thank God. I was sweating bullets. And not just from the Santa suit.
STEDE
I’m feeling like you know me a lot more than I know you, though. I didn’t realize how much Santa’s lap would feel like an analyst’s couch, but I really did spill a lot of my life story, didn’t I. I’d like to learn a little bit more about you, too.
ED
What would you like to know?
STEDE
Well, we could start simple. What would you like for Christmas?
ED
Got a hot date. Think I’m fine, actually.
STEDE
This isn’t working. Up!
ED
What?
STEDE
Up with you.
ED
FIne, okay, don’t have to pull. (Scuffling sound) Okay, then. Oop! Now, who works out, huh?
STEDE
Oh, I’ve been known to pick up heavy things now and again. So! Ed. I hear you’ve been very good this year.
ED
Not that good.
STEDE
(whispering) Ed, now’s not the time for honesty. You can fudge things a little if you have to. (regular voice) So, what’ll it be, then?
ED
Okay, well I do have a sweet tooth, so some of those chocolate sleigh bells, or some of those hot cocoa bombs. Oh, and cosy socks. Can’t go wrong with that.
STEDE
Okay, that’s a start. But surely there’s a bigger wish there? It’s Christmas! Time to ask for everything you’ve ever wanted!
ED
That’s…that’s actually really hard, man!
STEDE
You sit here asking little kids all day what they want for Christmas, and you don’t know what you want? What would make you happy?
ED
What would make me happy?
STEDE
Yeah.
ED
I don’t know. Never really thought about it.
STEDE
Oh, Ed. Well, it’s about time you started, isn’t it?
ED
Maybe. Maybe you’re right about that.
STEDE
I think I might be. You know, I’ve only just started to look for what makes me happy, and I can suddenly see a future ahead. Where before it was just darkness and fog. I can’t say it hasn’t been a bumpy road. But look where it’s led me! I wouldn't change anything for the world.
ED
I guess what I want for Christmas is to figure out what makes Ed happy.
STEDE
I would like that for you.
ED
(pause) Wow, this is like therapy.
STEDE
Told you.
ED
Well. I suppose we better wrap this up before Louis gets–oh, dickfuck, incoming!
Loud shuffling sounds, then the sound of running pitter patter footsteps approaching.
LOUIS
(Out of breath) Dad! Dad? What are you doing in Santa’s chair?! Where’s Santa?
STEDE
What? Oh. He said I could give it a try, seemed fun. Hmm, he must be around here somewhere.
LOUIS
Santa? Why are you back there?
ED
Just looking for something I dropped. Oh! Here it is! Here you go.
LOUIS
Wow, thanks!
ED
And something for your dad too. (Sound of pencil on paper and then the rustle of a piece of paper being passed.) Just a few of the things I want for Christmas.
STEDE
Oh. (rustling paper) Oh! Duly noted. Well, It was so nice to see you Santa, thank you for your time!
ED
The pleasure was all mine. ‘Til we meet again.
STEDE
Soon, I hope.
ED
Soon.
LOUIS
Merry Christmas!!!!
Christmas music plays. The End.