Chapter Text
Hisoka's eyes fluttered open.
He realized, belatedly, that he had been subconsciously awake for a while now. He felt something. It was subtle, at first. A simple push, a low nudge under his stomach. He wasn't registering what it was as he tried to blink the sleep away.
Another one, much stronger. Strong enough for him to realize something was wrong. Very wrong. He placed a hand on his stomach and pushed himself up slightly, drowsy and confused. He looked back at Illumi’s sleeping figure beside him with furrowed brows. Surely it wasn’t that. There was no way he was that unlucky.
Just in case, Hisoka got up and made his way towards the bathroom. If it is that, then he may still have time to make his escape.
He had barely made it a few feet away from the bed before the sudden stabbing in his gut began. Hisoka stumbled and gripped onto the chair of his dresser, the gentle hold over his lower stomach tightening with a desperate groan. His legs trembled as they took steps forward.
The other side of the bed stirred at the movement, and he heard Illumi sitting up in bed. "'soka?"
Crap. This was bad. Hisoka slowly looked back and met Illumi’s eyes. The expression Hisoka made wasn’t as neutral as he hoped it was, because Illumi sat up in alarm now. “Hisoka? Are you okay?”
Hisoka breathed in. “I’m fine.” He looked away and began walking for the bathroom again. The fact that he walked with a slouch and both arms hugging his stomach did not aid his statement.
“You don’t look okay.” said Illumi.
Hisoka tutted. “I said I’m fine.” He grabbed the onto the doorknob and nearly tripped while swinging it open. “Go back to sleep.”
The door was shut before he heard another word. His undergarments were removed immediately before he walked to the toilet and sat down. There was no blood on the inside of his panties, though the moment he was done urinating he felt the very unpleasant sensation of something much heavier following after. Hisoka exhaled loudly, running a hand down his face. His thumb caught a small bump forming near his lips and the corners of his lips tugged down in a pout. Everything was going haywire in a short amount of time. At least Illumi had not observed his face up close.
Hisoka finished his bloody business, retrieved the box of pads with his aura and flick of his finger before placing a pad with bungee gum around it as reinforcement, then flushed the toilet. There was still time to make up an excuse and get out of here. He just had to somehow make himself presentable enough to go outside first.
The pain expanded tenfold before he’d made it halfway to the sink. Hisoka’s legs gave in and he fell to his knees, whining and clutching at his stomach desperately as he felt nails dig into his guts and twist it around. To his dismay, he heard the bed shifting in the other room. Don’t, don’t, don’t--
The bathroom door was opened wide. “Hisoka!?” Illumi kneeled beside him. “Hisoka, what’s going on?”
Hisoka let himself fall to the floor, curling into himself and burying his face into the floor away from his husband. Shame overwhelmed him and he flinched away from the gentle touch that attempted to move the hair out of his face. “Leave! ” He managed to spit out through gritted teeth before another deep slash of pain left his body shaking.
Illumi did leave, to Hisoka’s surprise, only to come back seconds later. Hisoka felt a single prick and abruptly, the pain faded into nothing. Hisoka's body melted with relief into the cold bathroom tiles, letting out a shaky sigh. He looked up at the pin placed in his hip then at Illumi's concerned face.
This did nothing to fix Hisoka’s internal conflict.
It was their first year together as a newly wedded couple. Most of the time Illumi stayed over beforehand, Hisoka made sure to the best of his ability that he'd never get to witness him on his period. It was not a pretty sight. He got much snappier and more frustrated at everything that moved around him, not to mention the vulnerability from the immense cramps he'd be hit with. It was in both their favors to arrange all their meetings outside the span of that time of the month.
But things were vastly different now. With rings on their fingers, avoiding a moment like this was increasingly impossible. Sometimes the symptoms were much too obvious, sometimes Hisoka was able to predict it from how much time had passed and made up an excuse for being absent from their house, and sometimes Illumi himself would be away and only come back at the last few days of it. As the months passed, his luck was bound to run out.
He figured there wasn't going to be any blood for another week or so. He didn’t feel off, his body didn’t feel off, and not enough time had passed for him to get concerned. He was slammed into a completely unexpected early cycle. And there he was now, laying pathetically on the bathroom floor, looking up at his husband. The ugly truth had reared its head to his eyes.
Hisoka pushed himself to a seat, back turned to Illumi. His fingers ghosted over the pin on his hip as he said, “The pain is gone. Leave.”
"Are you sure--”
"Cramps, Illumi." Scowled Hisoka. “It’s not a big deal. Leave the darn bathroom.”
Hisoka felt the hesitation in Illumi’s delayed reaction before he’d left the bathroom. Thankfully, he had half the mind to close the door again behind him.
Hisoka’s hand tightened into a grip as he pushed himself off the floor and made his way to the sink. The reflection in the mirror weighed down on his heart. His hair was a mess, his eyes were tired, there were even more pink bumps on his face than he’d anticipated— He looked horrendous. Ugly. Weak.
His fist slammed onto the countertop, feeling the marble crack under his strength. Hisoka never wanted Illumi to witness him in this state. Not again. Not again.
The fist shook before he relaxed his hand, taking a deep breath and calming his raging aura down. With controlled breaths, he took in his reflection once again. He had to focus on the present. Illumi would never let him leave the house in peace after what he witnessed, so Hisoka pushed aside his escape plan for now. He wasn’t keen on getting into an argument with such a thin temper. Blood will be drawn, and it wouldn’t belong to him. He didn’t want to hurt Illumi.
With a swift swipe of his thumb, small layers of bungee gum were applied on top of the pesky bumps along with texture surprise, disguising his skin back to normal. Either Illumi had already seen them, or he hadn't focused much on his face in the small window he'd seen it with a shot of luck.
Hisoka stepped out of the bathroom after washing his face and making himself as presentable as he could. He found Illumi sitting upright in bed, attention immediately drawn to the open bathroom door. He was no doubt waiting for him to come out.
Without making eye contact, Hisoka dragged himself back to bed and under the covers. He was tired and wanted to sleep everything that currently happened off.
A hand stopped him before he could turn to his side. Hisoka frowned up at Illumi. "What?"
"The pin at your hip." said Illumi. "You can't sleep with that. It'll injure you."
Hisoka blinked slowly. "You're gonna take it out then?"
"Not until you take some painkillers first."
At that, Hisoka huffed a laugh and waved him off. "Forget it. Just take it out."
Illumi's brows furrowed. "Hisoka."
The pin was pulled out and placed on Illumi's lap. Hisoka turned to the side facing away from his husband. "Take it."
The pain was immediate. Hisoka roughly bit his lip, hands digging into the covers. It was fine. Completely fine. It was nothing he wasn't used to.
"Can you stop being stubborn?" said Illumi, hovering above him. Hisoka hid his face in his pillow. "You're in pain. I can see that."
"Piss off." hissed Hisoka as another piercing wave attacked his lower stomach.
The bed shifted beside him, and the room fell silent for a short moment. Hisoka moved his face off the pillow, closing his eyes and focusing on his breathing. He was interrupted with a prick to the side of his neck, ceasing all the pain once more. Hisoka would turn his head to glare at Illumi, if he was able to move at all.
"If you're going to sleep with the pin," Illumi's voice came from behind him, "then i'm forcing you to stay still so you're unable to turn and displace it."
"I said I--"
"Goodnight, Hisoka."
The bed shifted one last time, bed covers rising and falling behind his back before the room fell truly silent. Hisoka glowered and stubbornly kept himself awake until he spaced out and drifted off.
When Hisoka's eyes opened again, he was still unable to move. His gaze shifted to the clock besides him that read the time. One thirty in the afternoon. Illumi didn’t wake him up. Was he even in the room?
"Illumi." called Hisoka. A small hm? was heard besides him, then an oh.
Control over his limbs returned slowly and he turned on his back, sighing. The pain remained quiet thanks to the pin still stuck in his neck.
Illumi seemed awake for a while now, sitting upright in bed with a notebook and pen in hand alongside a second book that Hisoka couldn’t care enough to figure out the contents of. If he had to guess, Illumi was continuing the new language practice he was at since yesterday.
"Feel better?" asked Illumi, looking down at him.
Hisoka's eyes darted to the pin in his neck then back at Illumi. "Not by choice."
"But--" Illumi started, then immediately closed his mouth with his lips in a flat line. He must've figured that whatever he had to say about Hisoka's free will was going to ultimately backfire at him.
“Why didn’t you wake me up?” asked Hisoka.
“It seemed like you needed the rest.”
Hisoka sighed. He wasn’t going to lie and say he didn’t. His eyes wandered around the room, over the covered window with barely enough light peeking through the curtains for Illumi to read and write. “Have you just been sitting here waiting for me to wake up?”
“Yeah.” said Illumi with a shrug. “I can’t imagine you’d be very happy waking up alone in the room immobilized.”
That was also true. Somehow, the unnecessary inconvenience he’d caused Illumi irked Hisoka. It wouldn’t have happened in the first place, if he wasn’t home.
---
The fridge door was opened and Hisoka stood in front of it, scanning the ingredients they have with a permanent frown. He didn't feel like eating anything presented to him at the moment. Everything in front of him made him feel bilious, but he took out a few eggs regardless. He still had to cook for illumi.
A hand was placed over the handful of eggs Hisoka had collected. "No cooking today." said Illumi, closing the fridge and slipping the eggs into his own hands. "Go rest."
Something about Illumi’s words caused both his face and insides to twist. "You want to starve? Be my guest."
He marched out after Illumi ignored his comment, moving to place the eggs on the counters. Hisoka threw himself on the couch in the living room, his face scrunching again when he felt the flow of blood between his legs. It was not the blood that Hisoka despised, but everything that came along with it. The pain, the nausea, the weakness. The misery of it all.
He crossed his arms and stared at the ceiling with furrowed brows. There was no sign of Illumi entering the room when a blanket was thrown over Hisoka’s body out of nowhere. He touched the blanket before glancing up at Illumi, who now rested his arms and head on top of the couch.
"What do you want to eat?" asked Illumi.
Hisoka stared at him. He didn't want to eat at all, if he was being honest. The thought of food made him queasy. He shrugged.
Illumi averted his eyes and tapped the couch with his fingers. "Are you hungry?" he tried again.
Hisoka gave him another shrug. Illumi hummed shortly before leaving for the kitchen. Probably to make something for himself instead, if Hisoka had to guess.
With a huff, he relaxed more into the cushions behind him. What an awkward start of the day this was. It would've been much easier if he had gone to some hotel and waited it out alone. Couldn't he just tell Illumi to not talk to him for a good three days? Things become more tolerable for Hisoka halfway through the week.
He attempted to turn onto his side, pausing when he felt the pin being nudged. With a tut, Hisoka sat up. There had to be a way to stabilize that thing without removing it.
Hisoka raised a finger and held it near the pin. Aura oozed out of his fingertip, coating the pin in a thin layer of bungee gum. Initially, the gum stopped at the skin and expanded there to create an immovable ground. Hisoka attempted to nudge the pin. It was stable, but not quite. The inside was still prone to shifting.
Thinning out his aura as humanely possible, bungee gum stretched and seeped through the small prick of the pin all the way to the sharp tip. Hisoka didn't have to try to move it to know it was stuck for good now. He did try, anyway. Not a single budge. It was fully glued to his skin.
With a sigh, Hisoka turned to his side and hugged the blanket tighter, welcoming its warmth. He wasn't in the mood to do anything. Maybe he'll watch a few movies to pass the time then fall asleep on the couch. He closed his eyes and rested, the sounds of Illumi working away at the kitchen turning into background noise. He wasn't sure how long had passed when he felt a hand placed gently on his shoulder. "Hisoka."
Hisokas lips thinned. "What?"
"I made you something."
He turned his head slightly to look. Illumi was hovering over him and holding some sort of bowl. He pushed himself to a sitting position and let Illumi place it on his lap. Hisoka blinked down at the bowl filled with red liquid and what looked like some vegetables. "Soup?"
Illumi nodded. Hisoka cocked an eyebrow and mixed it with the spoon for a moment. "What kind of soup?"
"Chicken with vegetables and cream." said Illumi, "With something extra." Hisoka gave him a look. "Family tradition." Illumi added.
"And what would that be?"
"Blood." said Illumi, raising his thumb. It was stained red with a clean, thin cut. He continued, "You make any type of food with wishes of your loved one to get better. Then you add some of your blood to it."
Hisoka laughed incredulously. "Your family loves including blood in a lot of its rituals." It did make sense, as the Zoldycks were centered around blood being thicker than water. He remembered the many times Illumi made promises with him, cutting his thumb with an extended claw and pressing it against Hisoka's to seal the deal. Zoldyck traditions were quite amusing to him. Well, Hisoka isn't a stranger to drinking blood. It did feel intimate in some way, knowing Illumi put his thoughts and being into this small white glass bowl.
Illumi simply nodded at that. He gave Hisoka his space and picked up the television remote before sitting on a different couch, away from him. Hisoka shifted and picked up the bowl to reposition it. His hands burned and twitched from the heat, nearly spilling the entire thing onto himself.
"Careful." said Illumi, "It's scalding."
Hisoka set it back right where it was on his lap immediately. "Yeah, I can tell. " He sneered. Leaning back, he glanced at the now open television. Illumi was watching the news. Of course he was watching the news.
"-- to a possible decline in the yorbian currency as a whole." said the male reporter. "On another note--"
Hisoka already had enough. "Illumi, change the darn channel."
Illumi looked at him. "To what?"
"Anything else."
Illumi's brows furrowed but he picked the remote back up regardless and switched through channels. He ended up settling on a weather news channel.
Hisoka blinked at the screen then met Illumi's waiting eyes. "Seriously?"
Illumi blinked back. "Huh? You said anything."
"And you think that meant another form of news?"
Illumi's face tightened. "Do you want the remote?"
Hisoka did not hesitate to attach a string of bungee gum to the remote and pull it into his hand. He switched through the channels for a good minute until he found a channel that was playing an interesting looking movie. The remote was tossed aside and he clasped his hands together, watching the current scene of a woman hiding from some man in her house.
As time passed, the movie got bloodier and it had Hisoka quite invested. The heroine was currently having a moment with a friend she used to trust, and it seemed like they were about to kill each other.
"Hisoka."
"Hm?" asked Hisoka, not taking his eyes off the screen.
"The soup." said Illumi.
Hisoka glanced down at the bowl. How long had it been? He went to pick it up carefully, finding it warm. Long enough.
He started sipping the soup gradually, much more focused on the movie to truly care about the task of drinking. He had to be reminded by Illumi multiple times to keep drinking from the abandoned bowl. Despite meaning well, the constant nagging had Hisoka itching to bury a card in his face.
The movie had finally come to an end. The heroine watched the man she loved die in-between her arms and with none of her loved ones left alive, she took her own life as well. It made Hisoka’s nose wrinkle. Suicide was quite possibly the dumbest thing she could do to herself. What was the point of fighting for your life throughout the entire movie if you were going to end it either way? The ending had soured his mood.
Hisoka directed his attention around the room aimlessly before he noticed Illumi staring at him.
"Do you want me to heat this up for you?" he asked, pointing at his lap.
It was the unfinished bowl of soup. Half of it was left. The damn soup he wouldn't shut up about.
Hisoka would say he had the self-control of a saint to not have thrown the bowl on the floor at this point. It was placed-- almost thrown-- on the table instead. "I don't want your soup." he spat.
Commercials started playing that Hisoka muted immediately before tossing the remote back on the table. The room fell silent. Hisoka had his arms crossed and stared at anything that wasn't Illumi's general direction.
A moment later, he heard Illumi shifting and leaving the room. Hisoka turned his head back to the television. The couch was empty, and the bowl of soup was gone.
He left. Of course he left. He probably had enough of being treated like crap.
Hisoka sighed, running a hand down his face and massaging his temples. The absence of Illumi’s presence did nothing to shift his mood. If anything, the thought of having upset Illumi agitated Hisoka even more.
With a flick of his wrist, a card appeared between his fingers. It was thrown with full force at the wall in front of him, being pulled back right before it pierced through their painted walls with bungee gum. If he couldn't kill people, then he'll settle for this. He repeated the process multiple times, each time with the razor-sharp card nearly brushing the wall.
A realization hit Hisoka, hand posed to throw the card again. What was stopping him from going out there and killing people right now? The first day of his cycle would paralyze him because of the pain and sickness. The former was currently negated thanks to the pin on the side of his neck, and the latter... he wasn't feeling overly sick yet.
This was a chance he was not going to let go.
Hisoka wasted no time in getting up and making his way to the bedroom to get dressed. He avoided any eye contact with Illumi, who sat on the bed with the books and notebook on his lap before he headed out.
Hisoka was drenched in blood that did not belong to him by the time the sun had begun to set.
He ran a stained hand through his messy gelled up hair as he stared his last victim down. He had already decapitated one leg and arm off, and blood was gushing out all over the grass. He body twitched feebly, having nothing more to give than tears and snot. Hisoka finished her off with a swift slice at the throat. Not out of pity nor mercy, but to feel his cards slice through skin one last time.
With a full body shudder, his gaze turned to the sky. Orange painted the clouds as the sun started to set. It was frustrating; this was considered a very early time to end his murder spree, but the sickness was starting to plummet Hisoka's body at full force. Unfortunately, the pin was only given the command to numb pain and not the waves of nausea that crashed at him from every angle.
Still, the few people that fell victim to him in the past two hours were enough to calm his bloodlust. He felt marginally better, which meant he had the mind to start thinking about other things. Things like how his stomach was starting to ache with hunger, a feeling he was all too uncomfortably familiar with. Things like how he'd also treated Illumi like shit the entire day.
Hisoka touched the pin in his neck with a soft pout. He was the reason Hisoka was able to go out and relieve his bloodlust at all. He had been nothing but pleasant to Hisoka from the morning and Hisoka had returned nothing but tantrums back until Illumi had enough of him.
This was the reason Hisoka had avoided subjecting Illumi to his cycles. He didn't deserve any of that. Maybe Illumi finally realized that he was too much to handle and wasn't going to be there by the time Hisoka got home. Despite that being his goal in the first place, the thought of coming back to an empty home was upsetting.
Hisoka shook those thoughts away immediately. They were doing nothing but amplifying his feeling of illness. He returned his bloody cards in his pockets before reaching to pull out his phone. It wasn't in his pockets. A quick pat down easily informed Hisoka that he had forgot his phone. Ah hell. He wanted to know what time it was. His eyes glanced at the corpses in front of him. One of them had to have a phone or some sort of watch.
A loud and very annoying ringtone invaded Hisoka's ears right as he was about to crouch and search the nearest corpse. Narrowed eyes were pointed at the purse discarded on the bloody grass behind him before fetching it and taking the device out. There was a call, from a name displayed as "Ako my love <3"
Hisoka denied the call and opened the lock screen. The time displayed in the top middle of the screen was completely blended into the background of two women hugging in some sort of white restaurant. When Hisoka attempted swiping around, he was greeted with another obnoxiously loud call from the same person. His finger paused right on the decline button before sliding to the accept button.
"Mayla!?" a voice came from the other side, panicked. "Mayla why the hell are you so late!? The movie has already started!"
A sly smile tugged on Hisoka's lips before he raised the phone to his lips. "I'm afraid Mayla wont be watching the movie anytime soon."
The line went dead silent for a prolonged moment. "Who is this?"
Hisoka hummed, tapping the side of the phone idly. "The last person Mayla had the displeasure of meeting. Would you like to see her?"
Audible shaky breaths sounded through the phone. "What the fuck does this mean? What did you do to her?"
Hisoka walked towards the mangled corpse he assumed belonged to Mayla, setting the phone down upright with the purse behind it for support. "Enjoy." he said, pressing the video call button.
The screams that followed were drowned in the background as Hisoka took off. He didn’t need to know the time to get moving.
Hisoka sat on the ledge of a twelve story apartment, chewing gum and blowing bubbles as he stared at the sky.
He was bored as he could ever be.
He had took a hasty route back home as his body started to weigh him down. The moment Hisoka had approached the house and noticed the living room lights on, he took a straight 180. The shame of facing Illumi again like nothing had happened was too great, and he was not ready for any sort of sappy sad apologies.
He glued the door shut with bungee gum, removed as much blood off his skin as possible in a public bathroom and disguised his clothes with texture surprise before buying himself some gum and extra pads from a nearby convenience store. The smell of death wasn't something that Hisoka was able to remove without a proper shower, so he settled on a random nearby rooftop.
Was he seriously planning on waiting until around midnight for Illumi to go to sleep? Very much so. He would have had a very needed soft drink at a bar but his hands were loose this week. One wrong look or word from someone around him and he would be painted red for the second time this day then he’d be forced to migrate to another area and clean himself again. He already felt sick as is without the constant unnecessary movement.
Hisoka sighed, shuffling his cards in his hands idly. Why couldn't his body show early signs of an incoming cycle instead of hitting him with it out of nowhere? How frustrating of a situation this had become.
He had dressed quite light and the air was starting to get colder. Hisoka's body was quite unhappy with the lack of protection from his very exposed waist with only a thin fabric wrapped around it as a barrier. There was nowhere for him to go seek shelter in around this area, the closest hotel being too far away. Not that he knew its location either. Perhaps an open option was to crash one of the apartments, kill whoever was in it and live there for a couple of days...
No, that wouldn't work. Hisoka would need to first observe his surroundings, find someone that lived alone, kill them without any noise, make sure no one else was going to visit their apartment.. Just thinking about the process had him discard the idea entirely. Instead, his eyes began to scan the street, taking in the open commercial zone beneath him. There had to be a store that he could just spend an abnormally long amount of time in without being considered suspicious.
It was around twelve and a half when Hisoka had returned to a dark home.
He had in fact not found an appropriate store to stay in. Lingering in a pharmacy had him being asked if he needed assistance three times within fifteen minutes. Hisoka almost decapitated the man right then and there. A nearby cafe was too loud and crowded. The formal attire shop was even colder with its air conditioner and the cashier employee looked him up and down before covering her mouth to laugh. Hisoka made his exit after she was draped over the counter, leaking blood from her slit throat. He had to relocate to some other street after that, which had nowhere he could dwell either.
Hisoka's body ached uncomfortably as he took his heels off. He wrapped a hand around his lower stomach before dragging himself with a slouch towards the guest bathroom. Despite feeling like crap, he needed to take a proper shower. Standing under the running hot water sounded phenomenal right now.
And that was exactly how it felt. He had wasted no time removing his aura off his body and discarding his clothes before turning the hot water on and moving into the glass encased shower. Washing away the marks this day had left on his body felt like bliss. He had to remember to reinforce the pin on his neck again as he accidentally removed the aura holding it in place during his undress.
Messing with the pin had regrettably reminded Hisoka that no amount of water could change what had happened between him and his husband. It had him stare broodingly at the red water from both his hair and the dripping between his legs until the water turned cold and he was forced to snap out of it.
With a pair of black panties, a pad, and a white robe on, he made his way towards the kitchen in favor of silencing the gnawing sensation in his stomach once and for all. The moment he stepped out the shower, the realization that he hadn't ate a single thing the entire day asides from some spoonfuls of soup hit him with great force.
He went straight for the fridge before catching sight of a note pinned with one of Illumi's perfectly round large yellow pins in the top left corner of the fridge door. It had an arrow pointing to the left drawn on it.
Hisoka turned his head. There was an empty bowl with chopsticks resting on the counter and a larger note besides the oven. Hisoka left to turn the lights on before picking up the note.
‘(12:15 am) Hi. You forgot your phone again. Or maybe you didn't . Not sure if you bought anything to eat so I made you some udon for when you get back. I left the pan on the stove (<--) heat it up if you're hungry. This is Illumi, by the way.’
The last sentence was written in small letters at the bottom corner of the paper. Illumi was always the type to clarify his letters were written by him, despite them being the only two people who lived in this house.
Hisoka wanted to laugh, but couldn't find it in himself. He moved to the oven and opened the pan. A fresh batch of udon noodles stared back at him. It seemed very basic with no vegetables nor protein and a large amount of broth; Something very easy on the stomach to digest. Touching the broth with his pinkie finger had truly done it for him.
The broth was warm.
Illumi actually cooked this for Hisoka before he went to bed.
A storm of nausea overcame him in an instant. He barely made it to the guest bathroom to empty his stomach out in the toilet, with nothing but stomach acid coming out. Hisoka wiped his mouth with a shaky hand and fell to his knees, steadying his breathing.
Pathetic wouldn't come close to describing how Hisoka currently felt. The only thing on his mind was praying Illumi was still asleep and hadn't heard him. If he was walked on in this state, he may just curl up and die on the floor.
How would he even begin to describe what happened? “You still thought of me despite how i treated you earlier and it made me feel sick to my stomach." What a joke. Eitherway, He didn't actually owe Illumi an explanation-- or maybe he did. Did he? Illumi never shied away from explaining anything that Hisoka was curious about. He was a blunt person to a concerning degree, but even his honesty had its limits. When they got married, that limit was removed entirely.
"We're partners." He would say when Hisoka questioned it. "I have nothing to hide from the ones I love."
Sure, Illumi's honesty was one of Hisoka's favorite things about him, but it became overwhelming at times. The unbridled display of trust was difficult for Hisoka to reciprocate. They held an equal relationship since the beginning to their current date; whatever they took, they gave back. Hisoka felt compelled to be as honest as Illumi was, felt like he owed it to him.
And maybe he did. Maybe he was the strange one here, keeping his pain to himself so he wouldn't inconvenience his partner, hiding bumps that he thought stained his face and made him unattractive, forcing himself to hangout miserably in the cold just so he wouldn't be faced with the consequences of his actions. Hisoka was nothing but self aware; He knew he was the odd one out here, the problem in the equation. Illumi was the first person he had began to truly trust since he was a child, since the parent he'd call his mother. It may had been years since they met, but old habits died hard.
Perhaps a part of his actions were out of embarrassment. There was a certain image he simply did not favor people perceiving of him, especially not his partner; The image of weakness. Hisoka was not weak. Hisoka survived the toughest conditions, got out of fights and situations that should have killed him with ease. Hisoka could take the pain of decapitated limbs with the smile of a grim reaper. There was nothing his opponents would do that could break through his exterior, that would reduce his power to weakness. The exception, being his death.
It was only then, where the ugly side of vulnerability reared its face for the world to see. The bitter, repulsing taste of frailty, of losing a fight with your life alongside it. And worse, facing your partner with the full knowledge that they disapproved of the fight since the beginning. That you had only proven them right. Shame was an emotion Hisoka had nearly forgot the feeling of. Standing in front of Illumi that day, exposed with his scarred, burnt body and missing limbs was humiliating with every meaning of the word.
Illumi's face twisting into a mix of every negative emotion possible had not helped either. Despite it all, Hisoka had not been turned away. And the moment their prenup was signed, he had swore internally that his lover would never bare witness to such an ugly side of him again. He'd lock any sign of weakness away and throw it into the deepest pits in his body.
He shouldn't make promises. He never fulfilled them.
Hisoka scoffed at the thoughts as he pushed himself to a stand and flushed the toilet, turning to face himself in the sink mirror. He wrinkled his nose at the reflection.
After washing his mouth out of stomach acid, Hisoka made his way back towards the dreaded kitchen. His appetite was lost once again and his nausea wasn't gone by any means, but he still needed to power through and stuff some food in his body. With a reheated pan of udon and a bowl of hot broth, Hisoka made his way to the couch before halting his step. The same exact spacious couch he had occupied earlier had now been set up with a proper fluffy bed pillow and folded blankets. Hisoka stared down at it for a prolonged moment, corners of his mouth twitching before taking a calming breath in and slowly lowering himself to a seat.
The dark living room was illuminated with artificial television light as Hisoka began flipping through the channels. This time, he wasn't looking for a visual distraction, only an interesting enough show he can leave running as background noise. He ended up settling for some documentary about ancient weapons in Jappon. Something Illumi would have liked, Ironically enough.
The remote was placed to the side gently after the volume was lowered enough for it to be audible. Hisoka held the hot bowl resting on his lap with both hands now. He sipped from it occasionally, staring down at the faint blue reflection of the television light in the broth. He focused on the sting of the bowl on his tongue, the warmth that traveled down his throat, filling his empty stomach. For the first time all day, his thoughts were relatively quiet.
The next ten minutes were spent with him spaced out, only being brought back to reality when he raised the bowl to his lips. Soon it was empty, and Hisoka fetched himself another serving, this time with noodles and chopsticks. The starvation that had been staved finally surfaced as he consumed something that wasn't made of liquid, and he managed one more generous serving before his stomach had enough.
With the television now turned off, Hisoka pulled the blanket over himself rested his head on the pillow. The living room was dimly lit with the faint moonlight emitting from uncovered windows. Hisoka's eyes stared at the dark screen in front of him before his gaze moved to the couch to his left. The couch Illumi sat on earlier.
The melancholy vibe of the empty room weighed down on him. He didn't want to sleep on the couch. He didn't want to sleep on the guest bed either. He wanted to sleep where his husband was sleeping. And to hell if he was sleeping in a hole of dirt, as long as Illumi's arms were wrapped around him.
Hisoka was much too small in this room. He felt cold. He felt lonely.
But if he couldn't face Illumi earlier, he couldn't walk on him now either. Not with how much of a light sleeper he was. It wasn't exactly an act of reverence to purposely avoid someone the entire day just to crawl desperately back into the comfort and warmth of their arms.
And despite Hisoka's mind reasoning with him over such a stupid thought, he couldn't help thinking that maybe Illumi placed the pillow and blanket out on the couch for a reason. It didn't matter if there were other obvious explanations. The possibility of Illumi himself refusing to sleep with him was what helped him cope with his current childish decisions.
With a huff, Hisoka forcefully closed his eyes. He didn't want to be living this accursed day anymore.
He just had to sleep it off.