Chapter Text
growlgrowlROAR
All heads turned towards the front seat, shocked. Even Nami looked away from the road for a second. “You can’t be serious,” Sanji said, and if he’d had a cigarette in his mouth it would’ve dropped out (in an uncharacteristic display of savagery, Chopper had threatened to rip his eyebrow off if he so much as thought about chain-smoking in an area this confined). “You shitty black hole, you’ve already eaten everything in the damn van!”
Luffy moaned miserably and clutched his gut. “I’m hungry…”
“I packed ten pounds of food!” Nami screeched, incredulous. Sure he ate a lot back at home, but he was usually content for a few hours after eating five or ten or so plates. This had been three times the amount, and half the time! “How the hell—?!”
Robin tittered, amused as Luffy twisted and laid like a dying man between his and Nami’s armrests. “So… hungry…”
“Just head for a McDonalds or something.”
“Oi, you $hithead Marimo! Don’t tell Nami-swan what to do!”
“What’d you call me?!”
“I’m not heading to a drive-through! We’re wanted fugitives! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! And stop fighting before I make you!”
“Huuuungryyyy,” Luffy moaned again. He blinked, and lifted his arm, eyeing it curiously.
Chopper in the back seat turned white. “No, Luffy! No! No! Stop eating your arm! Luffy!”
The doctor unbuckled and shot like a bullet for the sudden auto-cannibal in front seat, diving nimbly between the sheathed swords and kicking shoes in the front middle seat. Nami screamed at the sight of Luffy with what appeared to be his entire hand in his mouth and started slapping his forehead where it was lying on her armrest, accidentally twisting the steering wheel and sending the van into even more chaos.
The sudden turn knocked Zoro into Sanji, which redoubled the fight, and caused Franky to put his soldering gun in exactly the wrong place; electricity jolted through his entire weird body and had him swearing a streak bluer than his hair. Robin looked up at the sudden flashes that were ruining her reading light and blinked at the writhing mechanic one seat behind her.
Though it probably saved his life by disconnecting him from the taser battery, Franky still couldn’t feel too grateful to Nami when she corrected their course, because the swerve sent Brook reeling and the older man accidentally put his (thankfully sheathed) cane-sword right into his soft bits.
“OOF!”
“Ah! My deepest apologies, Franky!”
“Ow… not… super…”
Usopp, next to Robin, gripped the seat tight and kept his eyes firmly shut. “I’m in an open field… open field, open field, open field…”
The archaeologist gave him a sympathetic, yet still slightly amused, look. “Claustrophobia?”
“N-no. It’s I-can’t-be-in-a-steel-death-trap-going-80-miles-an-hour-with-these-crazy-people-itis.”
“Oh my. That sounds like a difficult disorder to manage. I hope it’s not terminal.”
“So do I! —Nami watch the damn road!”
A truck horn blared, loud as thunder, and the car swerved again as eight screams echoed against the metal walls, almost everyone bracing as Nami just barely avoided a head-on collision with an eighteen-wheeler. The ninth person, Luffy, just stared blankly through the windshield with a flat, hungry pout. Chopper wouldn’t let him keep chewing.
“Where the hell did you get your license, witch?! Oi get THE HELL off my swords dart-brow!”
“Shut up about Nami-swan! And get your damn swords off my leg, shitty moss!”
“Seriously… uncool…”
“I do apologize again, Franky! Here, let me make it up to you. How can I help? Do these wires need to connect?”
Bzzzt. “AH-OW-W-W-W-W!”
“Luffy, please stop eating yourself!”
“But I’m hungry! And I taste good!”
“Waaah! You shouldn’t!”
“Everyone SHUT THE FUCK UP OR SO HELP ME I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND.”
“Ah! Scary!”
Robin turned a page, idly ducking to avoid one of Franky’s prosthetics as it flew by, knocked off by his electrified thrashing; Usopp wasn’t so lucky and got taken out by the thing. The hit slammed his face into the side of the door and he slumped down against his seatbelt, unconscious and drooling, muttering about fields and lovely, lovely Kaya.
Robin smiled. “Road trips are so much more amusing with friends.”