Work Text:
[Unknown Number]
Timmy!!
I got a new job!
[Jimmy]
Hello??
Sorry, who is this? How did you get this number?
Oh, wait
Grian????
[Unknown Number]
Yup! I got a new phone
It’s been ages! How’ve you been?
[Contact Updated: :( ]
[Jimmy]
Uh, I’ve been fine
Actually just got married, believe it or not
[ :( ]
What!?
And I wasn’t invited???
Timmy!
[Jimmy]
You were in jail!
Well, I thought you were in jail
Are you… not in jail anymore?
[ :( ]
Nope! Long story
Has to do with my new job, actually
But tell me about your wedding!!
Can’t believe I wasn’t invited
I would have broken out for your wedding :(
[Jimmy]
Um
Thanks?
Well. You remember Scott?
—
[Maaaahtyn]
Hey, it’s been awhile!
I got a new job.
How are you doing?
[Jimmy]
Man, everybody’s getting new jobs today
[Maaaahtyn]
??
[Jimmy]
Nevermind. Where’re you working?
[Maaaahtyn]
It’s pretty cool, actually.
You have to promise me you won’t laugh though
Before I tell you.
[Jimmy]
Promise?
I mean, yeah, sure, why would I laugh at you having a job
[Maaaahtyn]
Because I work at the Watcher Institute now?
[Jimmy]
Oh, the supernatural research place?
That’s cool I guess
[Maaaahtyn]
Yeah, that.
I’m an archival assistant. They were hiring, apparently the head archivist is also pretty new and wanted company (he’s a Lot, I really don’t know what he’s doing in academia) and I figured, may as well, you know? Pays decent.
[Jimmy]
Huh.
Find anything spooky yet?
[Maaaahtyn]
Well, I think my boss might be evil.
Not the archivist guy, the higher up guy
[Jimmy]
/j!
Oh
Uh
WELL Scott and I got back from the honeymoon last month
So that was pretty great!
—
[Cleo (Evil)]
Biology lesson! When a corpse starts to decay, the skin loosens, which becomes both unpleasant and inconvenient when that corpse is later revived as a zombie!
Hi Scott. Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me
[Scott]
whoever you are, this isn't okay
maybe think for a second before you decide to prank text on a dead woman's phone
you have two minutes to convince me i shouldn't block you
[Cleo (Evil)]
Oh
I swear I'm not trying to prank you
Honest, Scott. It’s me
I’m- well, not ALIVE. But
Aware?
[selfie of cleo, notably decomposed but grinning at the camera and waving with one hand]
[Scott]
okay well i admire the commitment to the bit
impressive makeup job
but seriously, this isn’t cool
[Cleo (Evil)]
Don’t make me pull out the something only I would know, Scott
I think you and I both want to leave the Pearl Incident in the past
[Scott]
WHAT
[Cleo (Evil)]
So I take it we have an understanding :)
[Scott]
i wish the threatening smile didnt make me MORE sure it was you
but yeah
so HOW?
[Cleo (Evil)]
To be honest I’m still not entirely sure
I just remember waking up with a mouthful of dirt to the sound of somebody doing a bad Scottish accent
Lay still until I couldn’t hear him anymore, then clawed my way out of the grave, as you do
Currently crashing in some castle ruins, because I figured so long as I’m rotting I may as well commit to the look
Although complications have arisen
[Scott]
god do i even want to know
[Cleo (Evil)]
Well, I’ve acquired a roommate
Honestly not sure where he came from, but he’s short and angry and doesn’t know what a cellphone is. And really interested in redecorating this place, so I might even keep him around
You should come visit sometime!
(Maybe you can convince him we don’t need to recarpet the whole place)
(Please)
— —
[ :( ]
Sorry for missing our call yesterday
Turns out my job is a lot more interesting than expected!
[Jimmy]
First of all, we didn’t have a call scheduled
Second of all I know what interesting means when you say it
And I’m not sure I want to know more
[ :( ]
Awwww, Timmy
Don’t you want to hear about my bloody misadventure?
[Jimmy]
NO!
—
[Maaaahtyn]
So. Interesting day at work today
[Jimmy]
Oh god
What happened?
[Maaaahtyn]
Well, first of all, I’m texting you from the waiting room at the ER
Second of all, you’re never going to guess who I ran into today
[Jimmy]
Oh no
I feel like I have a guess
[Maaaahtyn]
Did you know Grian is out of jail? As of at least an hour ago
Unrelatedly, do you know anything about treating stab wounds?
—
[Jimmy]
GRIAN?????????????
—
[Maaaahtyn]
Assuming that’s a no. Never mind, I’ll ask someone else.
—
[Scott]
joel are you at work?
[Dogboy Supreme]
About to be, why?
[Scott]
mind routing yourself past my place?
jimmys looking a little shell-shocked
i think he could use some dog time
[Dogboy Supreme]
No problem
Be there in half an hour
With at least six beasts
[Scott]
thanks so much
[Dogboy Supreme]
…possibly more like eleven
— —
[ :( ]
Scar is so FRUSTRATING!!
[Jimmy]
Who on earth is Scar?
Actually I'm not sure I want to know, I've changed my mind
[ :( ]
Too bad
He's my employer :((
Well, the guy I owe a debt to
WELL, the guy I said I'd repay with my service
Turns out he's the WORST
And now I'm stuck with him :((((((
[Jimmy]
Seems more like he's stuck with you
[ :( ]
Timmy, he's driving me MAD
Mad!!!!!!
[Jimmy]
You're already a murderer, how much worse can it get?
…
Fine, I’ll bite
What’d he do this time
(Crossing my fingers it’s not murder)
[ :( ]
He keeps taking his SHIRT OFF, Timmy!
[Jimmy]
…
— —
[Tango💔🤠]
JIMMY! ❤️❤️❤️
[Jimmy]
TANGO! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
[Tango💔🤠]
oh right you’re married now I probably shouldn
oh
nevermind. hi jimmy ❤️
guess what?
[Jimmy]
Chicken butt
What?
[Tango💔🤠]
i’m in your country‼️‼️‼️
[Jimmy]
WHAT?
And you didn’t tell me you were coming?
[Tango💔🤠]
it was kinda a spur of the moment thing
i’m telling you now though!
[Jimmy]
You are, you are
So where are you then? Great Britain’s small but it’s not THAT small
[Tango💔🤠]
funny story actually
I don’t actually know?
there’s an old 🏰 if that helps
[Jimmy]
Not really, no, sorry
There’s a lot of those around here
Where’d you fly in to?
[Tango💔🤠]
I’ll ask the 🧟♀️ when I go over for 🎰 tomorrow night?
[Jimmy]
Oh that works too
Actually, hang on a second
—
[Jimmy]
Scott, didn’t you mention your scary friend was living in a castle, and also a zombie?
I feel like I remember you saying something about that at some point
[Scott💙]
oh, cleo?
yeah apparently theyve really committed to the undead bit
i say undead because i don’t think zombies usually live in castles. thats like a vampire thing
not going to spoil their fun tho so don’t tell them i said that
—
[Tango💔🤠]
you’re not gonna question playing poker with a corpse woman? 😟😟😟
[Jimmy]
I think Scott knows her actually
Also zombies aren’t real
—
[Cleo (Evil)]
Help.
[Scott]
???
[Cleo (Evil)]
So there’s this guy who’s been hanging around and helping Bdubs with the renovations
I think he’s here to make sure we don’t eat anybody or anything but he’s nice enough
[Scott]
which you’re /not/ doing, correct?
[Cleo (Evil)]
BUT the other day he said a friend of his was coming to visit but didn’t have a place to stay and so could he stay with us
And BDUBS said SURE
So now there’s just this GUY here running a POKER GAME in our house
[Scott]
do you eat people?????
[Cleo (Evil)]
This is the worst game I’ve ever seen
Why is there FIRE involved???
If he damages the drapes I’m going to eviscerate him, we JUST put those in
[Scott]
im going to assume you eat people and proceed accordingly
[Cleo (Evil)]
Rude!!!!!!
[Scott]
so you dont eat people then
[Cleo (Evil)]
When did I ever say that?
Oh god, WHAT did he just put in the prize pool
[Scott]
CLEO
— —
[Maaaahtyn]
Life update: Ren’s doing a lot better. He’s made pretty much a full recovery since GRIAN of ALL people came in and stabbed him on the orders some American in a wheelchair
He’s just been reading reading spooky stories in dramatic voices and trying to charge admission to the Archives (back to normal, basically)
And recruiting some other assistants, so I have coworkers now. Yay?
Oh, and Etho dropped by. He’s uh. This guy. I actually don’t know now to explain him so never mind that
[Jimmy]
Is your boss still evil?
[Maaaahtyn]
I wish I’d never mentioned that to you
No but only because you won’t shut up about it, so yes
Anyway IM not back to normal
I still can’t believe Grian’s out of jail??????
[Jimmy]
I don’t know if he was ever IN jail, actually
I think we just all assumed
[Maaaahtyn]
Evidence? He did, and I cannot emphasize this enough, commit murder
Multiple Times
[Jimmy]
…
So
He’s been uh
Texting me
[Maaaahtyn]
WHAT.
[Jimmy]
It’s not that weird
Okay, it’s a little weird
But like he mostly just complains about his job?
So, like, basically the same as you
[Maaaahtyn]
WHY would you say that
ugh now I want off this topic
How have you been? How’s Scott?
[Jimmy]
It’s been really good!
He’s gotten really into gardening lately, it’s sweet
He likes to pick flowers and give them to me when I get home
— —
[Dogboy Supreme]
Scott do you ever look at your partner and just go “wow”
[Scott]
mostly “wow i cant believe hes so stupid” in my case
yeah tho
[Dogboy Supreme]
Yeah
[Scott]
yeah
wait a sec isnt it the full moon tomorrow
stop mooning over your wife and go to sLEEP
[Dogboy Supreme]
Heh, mooning
[Scott]
JOEL.
— —
[Tango💔🤠]
JIMMY! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
[Jimmy]
TANGO! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
[Tango💔🤠]
YOU wouldnt cheat at my 🎰🔥 games
☹️🥺🥺 right???
[Jimmy]
Your poker games?
[Tango💔🤠]
my GAMES OF SKILL AND CHANCE, jimmy!!
i put so much 🛠️ into these and what do people do??
guess what they do jimmy
[Jimmy]
Do they disrespect the craft?
[Tango💔🤠]
they DISRESPECT THE CRAFT!!!!
‘ohh the rules don’t say you CAN’T use a fire extinguisher’ but its the SPIRIT OF THE THING
🧯🧯🧯‼️‼️‼️
[Jimmy]
Unbelievable
Downright insulting
[Tango💔🤠]
RIGHT??
do YOU want to try my game jimmy i would trust you not to cheat
it only has a little 🔥🔥
i think it’s my best one yet!!
[Jimmy]
Hold on
—
[Jimmy]
I asked Scott and he said no
He says uh since last time I tried cooking he almost had to take me to the hospital I’m not allowed to play fire poker
Sorry 💔
[Tango💔🤠]
☹️☹️☹️
💔
— —
[Unknown Number]
GREETINGS, SCOTT S MAJOR
[You have blocked Unknown Number]
—
[Cleo (Evil)]
You appear to have just blocked my housemate's number
Which is understandable, but please unblock him
I'm trying to teach him how to text
It's
A struggle
[Scott]
oh /that's/ bdubs??
tell him he texts like a spam bot
[Cleo (Evil)]
I have.
Many times.
—
[You have unblocked Unknown Number]
[Unknown Number]
CAN YOU HEAR ME???
[Scott]
yeah, sure. listen, is there a little arrow on your keyboard that’s lit up?
or that says CAPS
[Contact Updated: CLEOS ROOMMATE]
[CLEOS ROOMMATE]
WHAT IS A KEYBOARD
I ONLY SEE LITTLE BUTTONS
[Scott]
never mind.
—
[Scott]
cleo i feel your pain
[Cleo (Evil)]
He’s never getting internet access at this rate
[Scott]
lmao
if he texts me at 3 in the morning im blocking him again
[Cleo (Evil)]
I would also do that
— —
[Maaaahtyn]
If I never text you again, know that I was killed gruesomely in a haunted castle in the middle of nowhere
[Jimmy]
Ghosts aren’t real
[Maaaahtyn]
It’s so nice to see you care
I’m going to die and it’ll be Ren’s fault, like, twice over
This guy the Institute gets cursed artifacts off told him about these secret poker games somebody is running out of a haunted castle
And he’s still in debt from ruining a graveyard that one time so of course he wants to go
Speaking of, do you have any IDEA how expensive headstones are Timmy??
They’re just rocks!!!
[Jimmy]
Sorry, what
Ruining a graveyard?
How does that even HAPPEN
[Maaaahtyn]
Cursed zombie book :(
[Jimmy]
Oh, of course, obviously
Just don’t tell me, it’s fine
[Maaaahtyn]
He was trying to make it back by charging admission to the Archives
Nobody wants to come here though except broke grad students and murderers
And sometimes if you ask a murderer to pay admission they just stab you
[Jimmy]
Grian?
[Maaaahtyn]
I guess it would be more accurate to say if you ask a murderer’s? superior? henchman? partner? in retrospect it was unclear? to pay admission the murderer will just stab you
But that’s too long to type
Grian.
Ugh. Anyway, tomorrow we’re all off to the haunted castle, so that’s bound to be disastrous
Skizz says he’s already packed. I think he WANTS to get murdered by a ghost
[Jimmy]
Well
Good luck? With the ghosts, or loan sharks, or whatever
Let me know if you want me to uh
Contact your next of kin I guess
[Maaaahtyn]
Thanks.
—
[ :( ]
Timmyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I’m bored :( entertain me
You would think following someone would be more interesting
But they walk so SLOW
and Scar’s wheelchair means we have to follow from pretty far back so I can’t even eavesdrop
I didn’t think they were going to be going this far out of the city
These footpaths are NOT very accessible
Do you think I can file a complaint
[ :( ]
Timmmmm
Tim tim tim tim tim
[ :( ]
Oh!!! they’re going inside
Weird this place is lit up, I thought it was abandoned
Surprisingly tasteful decor, also??
—
[Scott]
thanks again for having us over!!
you’re a surprisingly good cook
[Dogboy Supreme]
Hey!
Thanks for the wine
Lizzie and I will be over next weekend?
[Scott]
yeah. bring dogs!
—
[Jimmy]
GRIAN
[ :( ]
Timmy! Guess what!
[Jimmy]
You started STALKING someone while I was at DINNER.
[ :( ]
No that was hours ago, don’t be an idiot
Guess again
[Jimmy]
I don’t want to
[ :( ]
You’re no fun
I’m learning a new game!
It’s like poker but there’s fire involved
—
[Jimmy]
TANGO
[Tango💔🤠]
HEY jim sorry cant talk rn very busy !!
—
[Cleo (Evil)]
Scott help
[Scott]
are you in physical danger, emotional danger, or danger of a mental breakdown
[Cleo (Evil)]
ALL OF THE ABOVE.
There’s eleven people in my castle, the drapes are on fire, and SOMEONE brought
[Scott]
rip
uh. what exactly do you want here?
im a little winedrunk idk how much help i’ll be
[Cleo (Evil)]
Right now? I want to know where tango HID THE FIRE EXTINGUISHERS
—
[Maaaahtyn]
Timmy help
[Jimmy]
What’s happening
Is Grian there
Are you being murdered
Martyn!!
[Maaaahtyn]
Surprisingly little murder yet
Lots of fire though
Ren is very bad at poker
How did you know Grian was here- right, you text
Etho’s here too for some reason?
[Jimmy]
Etho?
[Maaaahtyn]
A guy. Don’t worry about it
Well maybe do. That is a lot of fire
[Jimmy]
Martyn???????
[Maaaahtyn]
Oh god WHY has grian’s boyfriend taken his shirt off
—
[CLEOS ROOMMATE]
I WILL BE THE CHAMPION OF FIRE POKER!!!
—
[ :( ]
timmy i’m a good person right
[Jimmy]
NO???
Also what happened to your capitals are you dying or something
[ :( ]
what did i do to deserve this
i’m in hell. i’m in hell.
he won’t stop taking his CLOTHES off tim
this is not strip poker!!
[Jimmy]
I don’t even know where to start with this
Can’t you just leave
[ :( ]
don’t be an idiot tim obviously i can’t he’s my boss
if he dies playing fire poker i’ll be unemployed
[Jimmy]
What is he even paying you to do
Actually DOES he pay you?
or is this just like an indentured servitude thing
[ :( ]
dont ask stupid questions, tim
—
[Jimmy 💐]
So who are YOU texting?
[Scott]
we’re in the same bed, husband
you can just ask out loud
<3
—
[CLEOS ROOMMATE]
WOE!!! WOE!!!!
— —
[Jimmy]
Hey!
Are you still alive??
[Maaaahtyn]
Surprisingly, yes
Probably owing to the lack of ghosts
Although there’s a zombie who recognized Ren’s awful Scottish accent
She’s ripping him a new one right now
He’s going to be intolerable tomorrow. He was ALREADY being intolerable
[Jimmy]
Cleo? She’s terrifying, yeah
[Maaaahtyn]
I’ve decided to not ask how you know people
Pretty sure she hates me by association, anyway
[Jimmy]
Um
So did you win at poker?
—
[Tango💔🤠]
jimmy jimmy jimmuy jimmy ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
my 🎰🔥turned out SO 💯
[Jimmy]
I’m so happy for you
Uh
Did anyone get hurt?
[Tango💔🤠]
NAHHH nothing worse than 1️st degree
and thats just part of the experience!!
[Jimmy]
Tango
You’re a hazard
❤️
—
[Scott]
hows it going over there
still alive?
[Cleo (Evil)]
Dead as ever
Everyone’s finally out of the main hall
Of course Bdubs said they could stay the night, so they’re not GONE
But I’m taking my victories where I can get them
Joke’s on them, also, we don’t have interior heating
So I hope they’re all miserable
[Scott]
dare i ask who won?
—
[ :( ]
TIMMYYYYY :(
[Jimmy]
Oh no
Let me guess, you lost at fire poker
[ :( ]
WORSE
I WON :((((((((((
i had to beat scar…. i feel terrible about it
we were the last two left in... it was the only way
i need to make it up to him somehow
[Jimmy]
Uhhh wow okay
Well, I mean, you’ve got options for that right
[ :( ]
what??
[Jimmy]
Like I dunno take him out to dinner or something?
When Scott is mad at me I usually buy him flowers
[ :( ]
how does that help me
[Jimmy]
You know
Wait, aren’t you two dating??
—
[Cleo (Evil)]
Oh god who’s YELLING AGAIN
—
[ :( ]
NO???????????????????????
OBVIOUSLY we’re not dating he’s my BOSS
and if i wAS dating anyone it would be martyn’s handsome coworker
do you remember bigb? he was avoiding me so i think it was him
he brought cookies
obviously im not dating scar!!
[Jimmy]
Ok.
[ :( ]
im NOT
just because he lets me stab people
and he’s upsettingly charismatic
and he’s always needing me to get him out of situations
and i’ve gotten attached
and somehow my capital letters got turned off
and he keeps taking his CLOTHES OFF
doesnT MEAN THAT I
[Jimmy]
I’m going to sleep.
[ :( ]
TIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
—
[Maaaahtyn]
Timmy I’ve encountered a problem
I think I have a crush on Ren
Specifically when he’s being intolerable and dramatic
[Jimmy]
…
[Maaaahtyn]
He asked me to cut his head off when he started losing earlier and I blushed
[Jimmy]
It is too late for this
Why are you even telling me this
[Maaaahtyn]
You’re married!! To a man!!
[Jimmy]
That doesn’t mean I know how that HAPPENED
Just kiss him or something
I’m going to sleep.
[Maaaahtyn]
TIMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
—
[Cleo (Evil)]
I'm keeping him
[Scott]
???
[Cleo (Evil)]
Bdubs. He's been set on fire five separate times tonight
I'm keeping him alive
[Scott]
its a struggle out there
congratulations. on him. and on making it through the night <3
[Cleo (Evil)]
Thanks, Scott <3
[Scott]
glad you're alive, cleo
[Cleo (Evil)]
I'm not alive. But me too.
You should come vi
BDUBS
[Scott]
when your man falls off the roof and my man drowns we can grow old together
[Cleo (Evil)]
Sounds like a plan
[Scott]
<3
[Cleo (Evil)]
…
<3