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Kevin was on the job, as usual.
Skid and Pump just crashed a fucking semi truck right in, running over Rick (don’t ask how he got back to the job again) and finally giving him the sweet release of death.
Kevin only frowned. Nothing fucking shocked him anymore.
He couldn’t say no to giving them Candy Cans anymore. The last time he did that they tied him up with barbed wire and beat him into submission with golf clubs. He was pretty sure they tried coffee for the first time or something but nothing was worth the risk of experiencing that again.
So after they got what they wanted and fucked off, FUCKING CARMEN came in right through the hole the semi left as if she didn’t even notice and demanded.
“Do you have anything NEW yet?!”
Kevin was ready to bite this stupid cunt’s throat.
Then his secretly horribly filthy fucking brain gave him an idea.
A horrible idea.
An absolutely immaturely disgusting horrible idea.
“Actually, we do!!! You’ll be the first to try it in fact… let me get it from the back.”
“Make it snappy.”
With that, Kevin got a paper bag and went through the back door.
He looked several ways to make sure nobody else was watching.
When the coast was clear, he pulled his pants down.
You see, much earlier today, Kevin was dared to try a combo meal at a 0-star taco joint. He had been holding the epilogue for hours on end ever since he got to work.
That took guts enough to hold it in, but he absolutely KNEW he had to let it go (HEY STOP SINGING) now.
Just one opening of his asshole and there was already an explosion of the putrid anal mud, right into the bag already.
That should have been enough already, but it was clear Kevin’s colon was not done fucking destroying itself yet, ohhhh no.
It was just pouring right out like an angry waterfall, his anus was burning from both the rush and how open it was.
Kevin’s face was a bright pink, the smell has made its presence known. He was so going to try to sue the restaurant… if he survives this, anyways.
If anything, the Dagobah Swamps expy was only increasing, being a fucking GEYSER of what was once just some shitty ass tacos and lukewarm cola.
The bag was already full as hell and Kevin was STILL NOT FUCKING DONE WITH HIS BUSTED SCEPTIC TANK NIGHTMARE YET.
Should have mentioned that the noise as it happened was ABSOLUTELY GODDAMN LOUD.
LIKE IT WAS IF A TANK COULD SHOOT OUT WET LONG FARTS.
Obviously somebody heard it.
“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON OUT THERE?!”
Kevin didn’t want any witnesses anyway, but regardless he didn’t mean to turn around in shock, thus Ignacio was immediately met with the fire hydrant spray of diarrheaic (if that’s even a word) sludge.
The impact shattered his fucking ribs and he was killed instantly, his shit-covered corpse hit the fucking wall with a loud *CRACK*
From what little he interacted with him, Kevin wasn’t too bothered by the loss.
Hilariously enough, that was also when the deranged shitting was beginning to die down, much slower than Ignacio did, but still noticeable.
Kevin was still hyperventilating as the remaining goo just plopped right down, his face damp with both sweat and tears. Of course, his breathing inhaled more of the toxic stench, but he was clearly still heavily affected by his ass getting obliterated to focus on that.
And yet he was still able to get himself back up.
Kevin pulled up his pants, the feeling of his boxers squishing his shit just making him shudder. Regardless, he got the bag (surprisingly still in good condition despite everything that happened) and made his way back to the Candy Club.
Much to his surprise, Carmen was still there, patiently waiting. How did she not hear (or smell) all the commotion? Who the fuck knows??? Anyway she looked at him and just went “About time.”
Then she smelled it.
“What exactly is it? Is it really candy?”
“Yes, Ma’am. It’s our new special. The Fudgy-Fun Surprise, as they call it. It seems to smell gross but trust me it tastes good.”
Carmen actually fucking fell for that. Well sort of.
She decided to open the bag.
The stupid rich cunt picked up a bit of the “fudge” inside, cringing a bit as it just dripped from her hand.
Despite her look of disgust she actually put it in her goddamn mouth.
Kevin couldn’t believe how much of an idiot she was, but his disbelief was swiftly interrupted with a predictable outcome.
Carmen dropped the bag, the Fudgy-Fun Surprise just splattering right out, and began to vomit right then and there.
AND SHE JUST KEPT FUCKING GOING LIKE THE SHIT-GEYSER THAT MADE WHAT WAS SERVED TO HER????
She was just twisting and turning as the greenish-yellow ooze splattered and sprayed fucking everywhere. On the bag, Rick’s mutilated corpse, the windows, that freshly polished floor, the dispensers, Kevin himself but he just couldn’t care anymore.
All that confused him was how his shit could kill Ignacio but he himself could survive Carmen’s pukeathon.
Eventually, the entire place was caked in the digestive nightmare.
Carmen collapsed right on Rick’s corpse, his blood complementing her mess.
Kevin was not cleaning any of that shit up, he just ran right back to the back where he went through the alley, crossing the bridge as he left a trail of bile, and jumped into the river to clean himself.
Miraculously, the vomit and remaining shit in his pants washed clean off as he came ashore unscathed (physically at least).
Deep down he knew his ass was getting fired.
He had to ask himself… was this all worth it?
After a while of thinking and laying on the ground, he decided.
“Yeah. Yeah it was.”
The End