Archive of Our Own

It had been over a year since Inej Ghafa last set foot in Ketterdam.

A long, bitter year, but that was fine. She was living her life, bringing down the vengeance of the Saints upon any bastard who thought selling people for a profit was a good idea. Kaz had noticed the decline as other Barrel bosses got frustrated- especially those who owned a pleasure house or two, and for whatever reason, Kaz couldn’t muster any pity for them in his cold, dead heart.

No, she was out there on the open sea, free and doing good for whatever little it did. (It did much more than a little.) And Kaz was doing just fine, thank you- in fact, better than fine would be more accurate. The Dregs was, by far, the most powerful gang in the Barrel, and he was still richer than he could ever dream.

(He had been rich enough to slip off at one point for a few days to go to his childhood home. A small grave marker made in his brother’s name was laid to rest under a tree they used to play in constantly. He didn’t stay long- he didn’t have time to get lost in sentimentality.)

Dirtyhands had everything he had ever wanted and more.

Kaz only wanted one thing- one holy, unattainable thing. Not thing. Person.

It had been over a year since Inej Ghafa last set foot in Ketterdam.

And that was fine, really. He got correspondence from her from time to time, often telling him useful things she had learned, but also things that Kaz couldn’t even pretend were useful tidbits- the whales they had sailed alongside for a short distance, the new fruit she tried in a Zemeni port city, the funny joke a Ravkan sailor told her, or the small celebration she had been invited to of a family so happy to have their loved ones home. (He traced over the words where Inej recalled how she had danced in a way she hadn’t since she was still a young girl.)

Still, they managed to be his favorite parts.

Dirtyhands regretted nothing.

Kaz regretted almost nothing.

The last time the Wraith had been in Ketterdam, Inej had been in his bed. Not doing anything, but it was enough for them to be able to sleep side by side, trusting each other to have their backs.

She had a nightmare and woke up gasping for air, slipping out of bed and to the window, shaking as tears dripped down her cheeks. Woken up by her, Kaz had stared from the bed, frozen with… Well, he didn’t even know. He just watched for far longer than he should’ve before getting to his feet and carefully limping over to her, his hand ghosting over her back before pulling back. He didn’t know if she would want his touch right then. Inej, he realized, was sobbing silently, her arms wrapped around herself, head bowed.

What did you even do in that situation?

He reached out slowly, where she could see, and when she tensed, he pulled away.

“What can I do?” He finally asked, voice raspy and deep from sleep.

She shook her head, twisting her fingers in the fabric of her shifts.

“What happened?” He tried.

She opened and closed her mouths a few times with stuttering breaths, shaking. Shivering, he clocked. He wanted to wrap a blanket around her. “Van Eck,” she finally managed to say. Then, “Tante Heleen.” Finally, “That he- he went through with it. My legs. And then-”

Kaz could imagine the rest. His hands tightened into fists and he let out a slow breath. “But he didn’t,” he said quietly. “And now he can’t. Neither can she. I’ll kill them before they even touch a hair on your head.”

She nodded, one of her hands sliding down to grip her pant leg, as if making sure her leg was still in the proper shape. His own leg twinged.

“We- I’ll take her down,” he promised. “I-I have been, but I’ve been drawing it out, making her feel trapped and helpless, but say the word and I’ll end it. I’ll end her. I can take the heat from that kind of thing now, it doesn’t matter.”

She shivered again. He glanced around, leaning over briefly to grab his coat from the end of his bed before very carefully (gently, slowly) draping it around Inej’s shoulders. She tensed again but pulled it tight around her, burying her face in the collar.

“I don’t need you to do that, Kaz.”

He felt stupid and helpless, unable to figure out the right move here. He wanted so badly to hold her close, to tell her she would be okay, that no one would ever hurt her again, but he couldn’t do her the injustice of lying so blatantly to her. He wouldn’t. So there he was, chest full of lead and head full of cotton. Useless. “What do you need me to do then?” He nearly threw his hands up in frustration as he felt himself close off. “Tell me what you need from me, Inej, and I’ll give it to you.”

She met his gaze with red-rimmed eyes, studying him as if searching for something she could not find. “I don’t need anything from you,” she had said, voice as soft and harsh as a winter wind.

There were thousands of things he wanted to say to her, but all other words he had died in his throat as she turned away. Show no weakness. He didn’t make it this far in life by having heart to hearts with his gang.

She had left hours later with a light squeeze of his hand. “I’ll be fine,” she told him quietly. “I’ll be back. I don’t know when, but I will. I’m not done here.”

“You aren’t my spider anymore. You don’t need to report your ins and outs to me,” Kaz had snapped at her.

A flash of hurt crossed her face as she took a step back, letting out a slow breath. “I’ll be back in Ketterdam,” she said, her voice a little colder. “But I won’t come back to the Barrel to speak to a suit of armor.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t come back at all,” was the last thing he said to her, sneering through bared teeth like an animal. Like a monster. Like goddamn Dirtyhands, Bastard of the Barrel.

Her face shuttered, and he felt a door slam shut. “Maybe I won’t,” she said quietly.

She had originally promised to return but as he watched the Wraith disappear over the horizon, he couldn’t help but feel his stomach sinking, knowing it very well may be the last time he ever saw her.

(It was his fault, of course, and he was sure that this had been the straw that broke the mule’s back- but it hadn’t been the only instance of him pushing her away, and he’d be an idiot if he didn’t acknowledge it.)

She hadn’t been back. Not yet at least. Kaz came into the habit of walking down to the harbor everyday- not because he was waiting for her. He wasn’t. He was just… Personally overseeing that his investments had all come in properly.

So no, he was not waiting for her. He had a kingdom to rule, slavers to track down, people to take care of- there was a nasty cough that was going around the Barrel that had people skittish, and when the locals were skittish, the tourists were downright terrified, and he couldn’t be losing his pigeons-

Point was, he had so many other things to focus on other than waiting for a single ship to dock. And if some of that brought him down to the docks, well. That was no one’s business but his.

It had been over a year since Inej Ghafa last set foot in Ketterdam.

He realized later, of course, what Inej had been asking of him. She didn’t need him- he had made sure of that. But she had wanted him, and wanted him to want her too.

(He did. Desperately so. But he hadn’t told her that, and then she had left.)

I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.

He wondered who he even was underneath the armor. He was afraid that he was nothing but an empty husk, all barbed walls and spiked shields, sheltering the now ruins of something that had once been. He was not Kaz Rietveld. Not anymore, not after all he had done. That boy died in Reaper’s Barge all those years ago. He didn’t deserve that name anymore.

Was he Kaz Brekker? But who was Kaz Brekker? Brekker was a mastermind, the leader of the Dregs who got in and out of the Ice Court without losing a single person of his six member crew, uncaring and callous, ruthless and scheming, always three steps ahead. Kaz Brekker was Dirtyhands, and Dirtyhands was Kaz Brekker. And he was a monster who didn’t need a reason.

Kaz had a reason, and her name was Inej.

It had been over a year since Inej Ghafa last set foot in Ketterdam.

He got drunk.

Kaz would never usually allow himself that kind of looseness, but it was a shit day. His head was killing him, he was more irritable than usual, and for some reason, it was so strangely hot. He was alone in his room in the attic of the Slat, sun lowering itself over the city as he watched crows gather outside his window, cawing and preening each other. He had placed a bun out there, leftover from the bakery that Anika had gone to that morning for breakfast.

He watched the crows share the bread and tried not to think too deeply about it. His throat felt tight and scratchy. He tried not to think about that either.

Inej was usually the one to feed them. She used to be the one who usually would feed them.

He wasn’t very good at not thinking too hard about it, so instead he took a strong whiskey out of the bottom of his desk and poured himself a glass. And then another. And a third after that. And then another-

And before he knew it, he was hunched over his desk with tears stinging his eyes, digging his fingers into his arms and wondering why he couldn’t just be what Inej needed. Surely it wasn’t hard, men did it every day, and yet-

And yet.

He wrote her a letter. He then tore it up and set the remains on fire. And then he wrote a second one.

It was stupid and impulsive, and it was the blubbering of a mad man, scribbles that meant very little and said nothing. He would never send it, he knew, but he wrote furiously anyways.

If you told me you needed someone gone, I would take care of it. If you said you wanted a flower from the highest peak in Shu Han, I would find a way to bring it to you. If you told me you needed a plan for how to infiltrate a ship, I’d give you one with a dozen back ups.

And yet, as I sit here, I sit a failure. I sit as a monster, a shell of a man, hardly more than a boy, a husk with nothing but cold machinery within, and I have no idea how to fix this. How to make this better. How to be more than the cold-hearted Bastard of the Barrel- and I know you can’t give me answers. You cannot magically heal me, I must figure it out on my own.

But please, do not make me go alone. You make me strong- without his Wraith, Dirtyhands can make do, but without my Inej, I cannot.

Or maybe I can, but I don’t want to. I want you. I’m in love with you, Inej. And whatever you need for me to do, I will do it, it just may take me some time.

I’m sorry. I’ve never been more sorry in my life, I shouldn’t have said any of that- if I could go back and change it I would, but that’s not something within my power.

You don’t have to forgive me. Please just come back to me.

Stupid. He was so fucking stupid.

He crumpled up the paper and tossed it on the floor. He would deal with it in the morning. He would burn that one in the morning. He just- Not yet. Not right then.

He stumbled to his bed and slept. Ghosts haunted his dreams, hands clutching onto him and holding tight while the voices of the dead grew, an unholy chorus surrounding him.

By the time he awoke, he had a dry mouth and a splitting headache. His skin crawled and his sleeping clothes were damp with sweat but it seemed oddly cold in the room. He dressed slowly, body aching, and pulled his impersonal, uncaring persona over himself like a cloak (like armor) and headed off to his daily rounds.

He stopped at the harbor as usual. No sign of the Wraith- not that he was waiting. He dropped in on a couple of his own shipments but he hardly paid attention to it.

He allowed himself to get too distracted and the back of someone’s hand grazed the sliver of bare skin between the top of his leather gloves and the bottom of his woolen sleeve.

Kaz turned and left with hardly even a curt word of goodbye, stomach rolling as water lapped at his heels, his knees, his hips. It was all so very cold and cramped and clammy and he could swear he could smell the stench of decomposing diseased flesh. His chest felt tight, so very tight, like the bodies he was crushed between and under and on top of, and he could swear he saw Jordie’s glassy eyes staring right at him from every passerby’s face.

Somehow, he found himself back in his room at the Slat. He meant to go to the Crow Club. He should be at the Crow Club.

His hands were shaking, his throat felt so very tight and dry, and for a brief moment, it felt like the room was spinning.

He wasn’t sure how but he ended up on his back in his creaky bed, staring up at the ceiling. His body ached, and he felt- he felt…

He felt sick.

Of course, there was no shortness of sickness in the Barrel, but Kaz always did what he could to avoid the worst of it. The most he had gotten for most of his latter teenage years was a few coughs that he easily worked through.

He pressed his hand to his forehead and felt sweaty, hot skin. Another shudder of revulsion went through him. A fever was… Bad, to say the least. He was cold too, and he couldn’t remember if he was supposed to try to keep his body bundled or to try to force himself to cool off.

But Saints, he was so damn cold, so he wrapped his blankets around him with a shiver.

This was bad, he decided. He did not want anyone to see him like this. No one could see him like this, which meant- which meant he’d have to stay locked away in his rooms. Not ideal but better than the alternative, perhaps.

No. It would be weird for him to stay in his room all day, and he could not raise suspicion. He had to work or at least seem like he was- he was Kaz goddamn Brekker, Bastard of the Barrel, and he could not show weakness. He just had to… Make do. He would just… Take a short nap before that evening when the club would actually need him. Inej was always saying he needed to take a break if he didn’t want to run himself ragged- and almost as if he somehow believed following her advice would bring her back, it was enough to convince his ragged brain to sleep once more.

It had been over a year since Inej Ghafa last set foot in Ketterdam.

And yet, as Kaz blearily opened his eyes, he was sure he could see her, sitting in his windowsill, back to him as she fed the crows outside.

“‘Nej,” he croaked out, the mere act of lifting his head making his vision swim.

She didn’t react, throwing crumbs of stale bread onto the roof.

“‘Nej,” he tried again, nausea hitting him like a wave breaking on rocks.

She still didn’t seem to hear him. He could hear the Slat throbbing around them, threatening to swallow them whole. The moon sang from where it danced with the stars, a siren’s song to tempt Inej home. Away from him.

“Inej!” He forced out as loud as he could, struggling to sit up, to get to her before the world did.

Inej turned and stared at him with glassy, dead eyes before he collapsed back against his mattress with a pained sob, the room spinning around him.

The next time he opened his eyes, someone was speaking to him.

“-oss, come on now, you gotta wake up. Kaz, get up, you lazy bastard,” the voice said above him, lightly touching his shoulder. “Kaz, I swear to the Saints, if you don’t get up-”

“Jordie?” Kaz mumbled as he struggled to focus on the person above him. He was sick. Jordie had been there once he got sick, hadn’t he? The figure next to him seemed a bit older than Kaz remembered Jordie being, but he was a good few years older than him. And the color of his hair was right though Jordie’s dark brown hair didn’t usually look like that- far too tightly coiled. “Jordie, what’d you do t’your ‘air?” he rasped, the sound rattling in his lungs.

Jordie seemed to freeze, staring down at Kaz. Why did his skin look so dark? Was he covered in dirt or something? Maybe he had been helping in the fields. His brother faltered, letting go of his shoulder. “Kaz, I- shit. Kaz, what’s the last thing you remember?”

What a strange question. What did he remember? Hadn’t he just written a letter to someone? Someone had been in his rooms earlier, hadn’t they? Who- Inej. Of course Inej, who else?

(When did he meet Inej? Why did it feel so strange to have Jordie standing there while thinking about Inej? Did Jordie not like her? Thinking about it made his head ache.)

“Inej,” he said to Jordie, trying to look around the room. “Inej, she was- Jordie-” His breath caught with an awful rattle and he coughed to the side, trying to do so into his elbow but barely able to lift his arm. Was something weighing him down?

“Jordie,” he choked out as he felt his brother wrap and arm under his shoulders and try to sit him up. For some reason, that touch made him feel like he was drowning, panic filling his chest as he unthinkingly swung his arm against Jordie’s chest.

Besides a small grunt, his brother hardly reacted, and the touch pulled away as he realized he had been sat up, propped against the wall.

“Kaz, can you- can you hear me?” Jordie asked uncertainly, which Kaz frowned at.

“Yes,” he said, like Jordie was stupid for even asking the question.

“Right,” Jordie said. A blanket was pulled up to his shoulders and only as he warmed up a little did Kaz notice just how cold he was. “Okay, Kaz, just- just stay with me, alright? Try not to go back to sleep, you’re going to be fine. I’m just- I-I’m gonna go get a medik, okay? Can- can you wait here for me and stay awake?”

His head felt so heavy as it lolled to the side, propped up by the wall and his own shoulder. Saints, he was so damn cold. He frowned at Jordie’s words, annoyed he was being so coddled. “Yes,” he repeated.

Jordie seemed to hesitate again, hovering over Kaz before letting out a breath and nodding. “Right. I’ll- I’ll be right back. No sleeping!”

Footsteps and then a door shutting. More footsteps.

Keep fighting, Kaz, Jordie’s ghost whispered to him, which was rather strange considering Jordie just left for… Some reason. A reason he couldn’t remember, but he knew Jordie left. He was gone and had been for a while.

Why did he leave Kaz alone again?

He didn’t remember falling back into unconsciousness.

Matthias was sitting in his desk chair that he had dragged to be at Kaz’s bedside. Out of character for the Fjerdan man, Kaz noted distantly. He stared at Kaz with glassy blue eyes that looked like frozen over arctic waters. The front of his shirt had a bloodstain blooming like a growing flower.

Geraniums were Inej’s mother’s favorite flower, Kaz remembered.

Matthias sat there staring at Kaz with a dead man’s eyes and a flower growing out of a bullet wound. “Demjin,” he said in greeting.

“Helvar,” Kaz rasped back. “What business?”

“Whatever business the dead have with the living,” Matthias said, his voice emotionless and face impassive.

“Hm,” Kaz said in response. His thoughts were like grains of salt, sifting between his fingers and impossible to hold onto. “I should have died the first time.”

“Perhaps,” Matthias conceded. “But you did not.”

“Has Death come to collect the debt then?” For some reason, the thought amused him.

A shrug. “I am not Death, I am just dead.”

Not as amusing. Kaz couldn’t remember why but he did not like being reminded of that little fact.

“It will be decided soon,” Matthias told him, something cracking under the surface. “Djel will decide your fate, demjin.”

“I thought at the very least I’d land under Ghezen’s domain,” Kaz said.

Matthias just shrugged, and when Kaz blinked, he was somewhere else. Or perhaps the same place but everything seemed.. Different.

His body felt as heavy as solid lead and ached as if he had been beaten by the Dime Lions ten times over. Dizziness made him feel as if he was rocking, and the room around him was rather dark except for the faint light coming from a half-sheathed thieves’ lantern sitting on his desk. Next to him, there was someone where Matthias had just sat, except this definitely wasn’t he. Pearl handled guns glimmered in the flickering lights as they hung from the man’s hips. His head was tipped up, arms crossed in front of his chest as he was clearly asleep.

“Jesper,” he tried to say, but it barely came out as anything more than a sorry excuse of a whisper. He tried again with a little more success.

Fortunately, it seemed Jesper had only been in a light doze as he jolted slightly, sitting up with a grimace before he realized why he had woken. “Kaz,” he said, voice rough from sleep but his brown eyes filled with an emotion Kaz couldn’t name. Didn’t want to name.

“Jes,” he rasped back. His breathing was shallow. His hair felt like it was sticking to his scalp, and he couldn’t help a shiver that wracked his body.

Something akin to relief washed over Jesper’s face. “Yeah, that’s me, boss,” he said softly, reaching for something.

Honestly, Kaz didn’t think Jesper was capable of being this quiet.

Jesper pulled up a small bowl of water and carefully rinsed out a cloth that had been floating in it. “‘M gonna put this on your forehead, alright? You’ve got a real bad fever a-and we’ve got to keep that down.” Kaz thought he heard a waver in Jesper’s voice. He couldn’t put together all the pieces of what that meant but it made him frown. “Don’t look at me like that, you- you’re going to be fine.”

Kaz flinched away from the rag at first, but allowed it as Jesper filled the silence with a soft chatter, wiping Kaz’s face so carefully that he could swear he could feel the echoes of Jordie doing the same, and then his father, and his mother even before then.

He didn’t know how to feel about that.

“Kaz? Hey, don’t fade out just yet, okay? I need- I need you to drink something, it's just water, but the medik said-'' A tiny hitch of the breath. “The medik said that you’d need a lot of liquids to pull through, so that’s exactly what you’re gonna get.”

Flinching again as a hand touched his face, he lashed out, cringing away the best he could as panic rose in his chest again. “Stop,” he whispered, almost pleading.

Jesper sucked in a sharp breath, pulling his hand back. “I- Saints, Kaz,” he whispered. “Okay, okay, that’s- that’s fine. I won’t touch you, I just- can you sit up at all? Just a little bit, enough to drink water?”

After more effort than he’d like, Kaz managed to sit up enough to drink a little more than half a glass of water before collapsing back into his bed.

“Okay, that’s- it’s something, we can work on getting more in you later, just- just rest, okay? Me and Wylan, we- we’re switching off, taking shifts here. You won’t be alone.” Kaz felt the wet cloth on his face again and could barely even grimace as Jesper tried to help. It was too much.

He closed his eyes and let his mind go.

It had been over a year since Inej Ghafa last set foot in Ketterdam. Yet he had seen her in his window, and when he opened his eyes, he saw her again, hanging upside down from the rafters like a spider.

“Kaz,” she said, but her voice sounded a little… Off. Distorted, maybe. Cold.

“Inej,” he rasped anyways.

Glassy brown eyes met his.

His throat was dry and his entire body felt like he was slowly being torn apart, piece by piece. Inej just watched, emotionless from her perch, as he shuddered and struggled just to breathe.

“Please don’t go,” he pleaded her, forcing his exhausted body to keep his eyes open just a little longer.

His body won, and when he blinked, she was gone.

The next time he was semi-conscious, he didn’t even bother opening his eyes. He didn’t want to know who was there, he just wanted to sleep, but there were two voices whispering so loudly at each other that it made Kaz’s head throb.

“-was lucky I was only a day out but I- I didn’t know it was this bad-”

“-just lucky that Jesper decided to come… invite Kaz over for dinner, otherwise who knows how long it would’ve been before someone actually came in-”

“-and we’re sure its natural, not some kind of poisoning or-”

“-weak immune system, the medik said it was likely due to an illness earlier in his life that strained his body and was never able to fully recover-”

“-wasn’t here, and now I-”

“-can’t worry about that now, have to focus-”

Kaz let out a weak groan, shaking his head to try to get the voices to stop. Sure enough, they cut themselves off, silent for just long enough for Kaz to almost slip back into darkness before he felt fingers ghost over his hair- not quite touching but enough to let him know someone was there. He thought of geraniums, crows, the sunrise over rooftops, and Saints he didn’t believe in.

“You do not get to die on me yet, Kaz Brekker,” one of the voices said, her soft words swirling around him. “I was wrong- I do need something from you. I need you to hold on.”

As Kaz slipped off once more, he made sure to grab the first hand offered- a hand he knew better than his own. And he held on with all he had.

He was woken up a few times, he thinks, called out of slumber and gently urged to sit up and drink from cups held out to him. He wasn’t sure if they were really happening, it was too hard to tell, but he did it every time anyways, listening to the voices who urged him on. It was Jordie sometimes, Wylan and Jesper others, and there was Inej who always seemed to disappear after… It was so hard to focus, but he tried, desperately grasping at anything he could. He tried to ask them questions, but they mostly shushed him, pressing glasses of water to his chapped lips and asking him to save your energy, just drink a little more, that’s it-

Opening his eyes, he found himself sitting in a familiar parlor on the ground in front of a dollhouse. The ground was hard and cold but he paid no mind, instead looking to the little girl at his side. She was pretty, he knew that, and she sat there next to him in a blue dress, her brown curls in two pigtails on either side of her head. She was humming something as she braided her doll's hair. She looked at Kaz, eyes glassy and unseeing, and smiled a little wider than any little girl should.

“Can you hold on to this?” Saskia asked, and handed him a silky red ribbon.

He took the ribbon. He felt the fabric shimmer underneath his fingers- fingers he saw get stained from the red ribbon, like he had dipped his hands into red paint. Into red blood. He tried to drop the ribbon only for it to turn into a ruby red snake, coiling and straining as it looked up at him. Hissing, it twisted and tangled its warm, scaly body around his wrists, restraining him. And then it lunged for his throat.

He screamed, or at least he tried to, but he dissolved into a coughing fit, body trembling, chest panting, mind scattered and desperately trying to regroup.

“Shh, shh, you’re okay, Kaz, deep breaths,” a voice said at his side, making him start as he looked over. The first thing he saw were brown curls and he flinched away before his eyes adjusted and he saw the red of the hair.

Wylan stared at him, hands outstretched, as he made eye contact. There was a stricken, panicked expression on his face as his mouth moved. He was still talking, Kaz realized belatedly, as his body sank back into his bedding.

“- going to be just fine, we’ve got you, okay? You don’t have to worry, just rest, I promise it’ll be okay-”

“Shut up,” Kaz mumbled, adrenaline leaving him even more tired and in pain than he had been. Spikes of pain shot up from his bad leg and he gritted his teeth. “Water?”

Wylan’s jaw snapped shut and he let out a nervous laugh as he nodded. “Y-yeah, of course, just- just sit up, I’ll get you water.”

Kaz took a long time to muster the strength to sit up, sweat beading on his forehead as his arms shook at holding himself up. Despite taking a good amount of time, Wylan seemed to take a beat longer just to pour the glass of water.

Kaz realized Wylan had likely been stalling to give him more time to sit up without having eyes staring at him.

He decided not to mention it.

He managed to drink almost the entire glass before he collapsed. Wylan smiled at him encouragingly.

“That’s great, Kaz, just- just keep going, okay? The medik said-” He bit his lip, looking to the side, clearing his throat. “Just keep going.”

“Not goin’ anywhere,” Kaz rasped, eyes already closing.

“Good, that’s- that’s good,” Wylan said, voice getting softer. “Rest, alright? We will be here the whole time.”

He wasn’t completely sure who “we” entailed, but he surprised himself by trusting the merchling without a second thought. Wylan wouldn’t let any of Kaz’s crows get hurt, not willingly, and he put up a surprisingly good fight.

It had been over a year since Inej Ghafa last set foot in Ketterdam. So when Kaz opened his eyes and met her brown ones watching him, he figured he was having another fever dream.

“Please don’t go,” he whispered, knowing already that she would. She always did in those cruel dreams of his.

Inej blinked a few times and scooted closer to him. “I’m not going anywhere,” she said softly. She swallowed, and he realized she was holding back tears.

“You left already,” he told her, taking every inch of her face. She had a ribbon holding her braid. It was blue. He wondered what blue ribbons turned into if red ones turned to snakes. “You left a-and-” he shuddered a cough into his elbow, his entire body wracking with each cough. He finally pulled back, panting shallowly and almost immediately, a cool cloth was being pressed against his face.

“And what?” She whispered, swiping the rag across his brow.

“And you’re not coming back.” Kaz finished, his voice weak and thin. “I couldn’t comfort you, and I hate myself for it. You-” he had to cut himself off, trying to regain his breath. Inej waited patiently, still blinking. “You deserve someone who can at least do that.”

The tears finally fell as Inej shook her head, pressing the washcloth against his face in a way that allowed her to cup his cheek without directly touching him. “Kaz, no,” she said gently, shaking her head. “No, I- No. I came back. I’m here, Kaz, right now, I’m real. Oh, Saints forgive me, I should’ve come sooner, it was-” she shook her head, taking in a shaky breath as she followed his cheekbone with the cloth and then down the crooked bridge of his nose.

“This whole thing is… It's nothing, Kaz. You still- you’re still working on it, I can see that. I can’t expect you to be perfect at knowing what I want from you.” She gave him a tiny smile and brushed the cloth over his upper lip so gently his breath caught. Stupid. “This sickness, it… I don’t know. It reminded me that not all of our enemies can be outsmarted. You can’t talk your way out of a disease, and that’s not even all that could happen. And it could happen to me too at sea-”

At the mention, his eyes seemed to sharpen and he grabbed her forearm, his fingers weak as he gently squeezed, as if testing if she was there. Then he simply hung onto her, unwilling to let go.

She dropped the rag back into the water bowl and set it aside, slowly reaching for his hand with her free one. He watched but didn’t pull away as she pulled his hand off of her arm so she could link their fingers together instead. No gloves. He had tensed for a moment but when she went to pull back, he squeezed, not willing to let go.

“I still want to apologize,” he rasped after a few seconds- he was lucid for the most part, but the longer he was awake, the harder it was to focus.

Inej rubbed her eyes. “You don’t have to.”

“I know. I want to,” he said, taking a second to steady himself. “I’m sorry I didn’t say what you wanted me to, and I’m sorry I said things that you didn’t.”

“Well, when you put it that way, I look completely unreasonable,” she murmured, a tiny, strained, but very real smile curling her lips.

“Who said we had to be reasonable?” Kaz murmured back, the faint hint of a matching smile on his face. “The deal is the deal, and you have made your terms clear. I’m the one who didn’t follow them.”

(He thought she might have spiders in her hair, but when the spiders turned to flower petals, he decided he was too tired to deal with it. They looked pretty in her hair though. He wanted to reach up and run his fingers through the silky strands. Like spiderwebs.)

Slowly, keeping her touch light to make it easy for him to pull away, she brought his hand up to her lips and gave his knuckles a kiss. “The deal is the deal,” she agreed. She squeezed his hand. “Sleep, Kaz. You need to stay strong and- and get better.”

He nodded but did not close his eyes, worried that if he looked away, Inej would be gone. “Stay,” he croaked out, his throat sore from talking so much.

“I will,” she confirmed, cradling his hand between hers. “I won’t leave you like this.”

I think I’m in love with her. The thought came with little warning, and it made something in his mind seize but- but he didn’t have the energy to panic over it. Instead, he rolled the idea around in his mind, wondering how it would taste on his tongue.

Unfortunately (or, for future Kaz, fortunately) he was out like a light before he could even try.

There was a sharp crack that jolted Kaz awake, panting hard and pain radiating from his bad leg. He couldn’t breathe, his limbs shook and it was so hard to understand what was happening. He saw blurry colors swirling all around them, could hear muffled voices and the sound of rain, and he couldn’t breathe. Where was Jordie? Where was Inej?

He must’ve spoken out loud because a familiar face leaned in close to his. She looked scared for some reason, and the sight alone made Kaz’s mind flush with anger- what happened? Who had made Inej afraid? He’d tear them limb from limb and leave the pieces scattered around the entire goddamn city as a warning.

“Kaz, Kaz, can you hear me? I need you to focus on me, okay? Kaz?” Inej was talking to him and that fear shone in her eyes behind unshed tears.

“Who?” he forced out, brows furrowing as he gasped for air. His limbs weren’t as shaky anymore, he noticed distantly. “Who- ‘ll kill’em,” he mumbled, trying to reach for Inej. His arm swayed wildly and it was so hard to get it to move the way he wanted it to. Inej took his hand, squeezing tight as she looked even more upset at his words, confusion and fear mixing together.

“Who ‘urt you?” he croaked out, frustrated and panicked. “Gimme a name, ‘mma make’em pay.” Ghezen, it was so hard to speak so many words but he would, as many as Inej needed.

Understanding and relief crashed across her features as she let out a shaky laugh, bringing his hand to her forehead (still so careful that only her hands touched his), and said what he recognized as a short Suli prayer of thanks. He didn’t understand, but she wasn’t as afraid, so he could live with it.

“It's okay, Kaz,” she said, and gods above, he loved the way she said his name. “I’m okay, I promise, but we-” her voice hitched and she brought his hand to her chest. “We have to try something else to help you get better, okay? It's- it’s been too long now, so we… We have to put you in some cold water, okay? Just- just the tub, it'll just be Jesper and I, we’re gonna be there the whole time-”

It took him far too long to put together what she said, and as he looked to the side, he saw some vague shapes moving around the metal basin he used to bathe. They were pouring water into it from buckets- had they carried those all the way from the first floor?

“Kaz, mahgili, stay with me, okay?” Kaz slowly turned his head back towards Inej, brows furrowing. She smiled at him, still clearly upset. “That’s it, hello, mehr habi, just focus on me, okay? Wylan is- he’s trying to find a healer who will be discreet, but you know as well as I do that Grisha are a bit hard to come by in Kerch right now-”

“Don’ need a healer,” Kaz protested as quickly as he could (which was, admittedly, not very).

“It wasn’t a question,” Inej said back, a slight edge to her voice, almost daring him to cross her.

He didn’t. He was so tired. His eyes began to drift closed once again.

“No,” Inej said, and that alone snapped Kaz back into (mostly) consciousness. She squeezed his hand. “Stay awake, you gotta get in the tub soon, remember?” She glanced over her shoulder. “Jes, is there enough to at least get him started, and you can keep bringing more water up?”

The figure by the basin- Jesper, his mind recognized- looked at Inej, into the basin, and then back at her. “It’s almost half full. Do-” his eyes slid to Kaz and he pursed his lips. “Do you need help carrying him?”

Inej hesitated, looking at him, and then shook her head. “We need more water, and I think one person touching him is gonna be bad enough.”

Jesper nodded slowly and let out a slow breath. “Best of luck, I’m sure you’d have more luck getting a cat with rabies into the tub than the boss,” he joked, smile strained and forced. He didn’t wait for a response as he picked up the two pails next to him and slipped through the door downstairs.

Kaz watched as Inej turned back to him. “Up,” she said, squeezing his hand. “Get up so we can get you over in the basin. It’s supposed to make you feel better, Kaz.” She stood, peeling one hand away from his to pull the blankets back gently. He shivered, letting out a groan as he pushed himself up into a sitting position, already panting. He squeezed her hand, trying to regain some strength in his rebelling limbs.

“Inej,” he murmured, head leaning towards her.

“Kaz,” she said back softly.

He nodded. “Where’s my cane?”

She hesitated. “I don’t-...” She chewed her lip, looking uncertain. “It's by your desk,” she started. “But… I don’t know if your cane will do you much good right now. Or, I-I guess, not enough.”

He frowned, looking at Inej and then at the basin and then back. He had to take a second, eyes closed, when the head turning made him nauseous. “Then how am I supposed to get over there?”

“Can- can you lean on me, maybe?” She murmured, looking at his chest instead of his face, like she didn’t want to make eye contact.

Even as out of it as he was, he stiffened at the idea, swallowing hard. “I- Inej-”

“It's alright if you can't,” she said quickly. “We- we’ll figure something else out-”

“Let’s just do it. Quickly,” he rasped before he could even think. She finally looked him in the eyes and felt as surprised as he felt, but there was something else in her eyes- relief. Like he had lifted a weight off her shoulders.

He’d never admit it, but that expression alone was what made him strong enough to just grit his teeth and brace himself for the touch.

He found himself standing with his arm slung around Inej’s shoulders, leaning heavily on her as she carefully held an arm around his ribs to keep him stable. She was so careful to minimize the contact, even doing her best to keep their bodies from pressing against each other, even if it likely would’ve helped her hold him better. Even still, he focused on anything but the contact and the water rushing in his ears, desperate to keep down the panic. It took what seemed like days to stagger over to the basin, his chest heaving and vision blurry as she carefully lowered him into the stool pressed against the edge of the tub.

“Kaz,” she said gently, now just holding his hand as he curled over himself, shaking slightly. She rubbed gentle circles into the back of his hand- a habit she had picked up over those following few months after they first held hands. It soothed him to have such a familiar action and he anchored himself on it, clinging and hoping it would be enough to keep the waves at bay.

“Kaz,” Inej repeated, squeezing his hand as his breathing slowed back to its (shallow and raspy) normal. “Treasure of my heart. Mehr habi, mahgili-” She squeezed his hand pointedly. “Shevrati.”

Kaz grunted at that. “‘M not a pigeon,” he mumbled, looking up.

She clicked her tongue, a tiny (relieved) smile tugging on her lips. “You know better than anyone that you don’t have to be a pigeon to be a shevrati.” He frowned and she let out a small snort, and her smile faded as she looked at the basin and back at Kaz. “I- I know you don’t want us touching your bare skin, and probably don’t want to-” she cleared her throat. “But… We do need you in the water, and I want to try to make this as easy as possible for you, okay? Do you want to take anything off before going in, or would you feel more comfortable with all your clothes on?”

Kaz hadn’t thought that far ahead, honestly. Hadn’t even really thought at all at what Inej had been asking him to do- as he looked into the basin, he pressed his lips together in a thin line. He… Did not enjoy being submerged in water, and the thought of it made his skin crawl. Worst of all, he desperately did not want Jesper or Inej to know about his weakness. He had to just… Bear through it, he decided.

“Kaz?” Inej gently prompted with a squeeze of his hand. He startled, blinking dumbly as he faced her before remembering her question.

“Right,” he said, trying to seem calm. The very thought of having his wet clothes clinging to him made his breath catch, but he also definitely did not want to be without clothes in front of Inej and Jesper.

“We can lower the lantern,” Inej offered gently. “So we wouldn’t be able to see into the basin even if we wanted to. A-and if you want only one of us to be in here, that’s okay too, I just-” She searched his face, that fear and worry coming back. “We don’t want to leave you alone here,” she finished.

We’re scared of what might happen if we leave you alone. Kaz heard it loud and clear, and he swallowed hard. He was so thirsty. “Is it really that bad?”

Inej looked like she might deflect, but they both knew she understood what he meant. She looked away instead, squeezing his hand tightly. “You…” She hesitated, clearly debating whether or not to say her next words. “You had a seizure,” she whispered after a beat. “Medik said- the medik said that if you had another, it would be a sign that you-” She couldn’t finish, turning and pressing his hand to her forehead.

Easily filling in the blanks, Kaz realized he was the reason Inej was so scared- not scared of him but scared of losing him. His throat felt dry and he looked into the basin again.

The Bastard of the Barrel wouldn’t let something as mundane as a fever kill him.

(Kaz would not let a fever take him away from another person he loved.)

“Don’t want my clothes to be wet,” he rasped, and Inej looked at him in surprise before nodding quickly.

“Of course,” she said, already getting up. “I’ll grab a blanket to put over the top of the tub, alright? So it won’t be wet and clinging to you, but you can still have privacy. Do- would you rather only have one of us in here?”

He hesitated, shutting his eyes tight as a wave of dizziness overcame him. “Just you,” was all he could squeeze out of his throat, both grateful and uncomfortable with how well she knew him.

Inej nodded, looking at him. “Do you need… help?” Her voice was uncertain as she studied him.

His cheeks felt hot, which was ridiculous- he had a seizure earlier, of course Inej would be worried he couldn’t handle himself. His cheeks felt hot anyways, even as he tried to reason with his body.

“No, I-I’m fine, Inej,” he said, shaking his head (and then immediately regretting it). He wasn’t going to make her do something like that.

(Admittedly, a small, selfish part of him was terrified that Inej may ever associate him with those men who hurt her if she had to help him undress, or even just see him. He never wanted her to be afraid of him, afraid of what he might do to her. He never wanted to betray her trust.)

She turned away to give him some privacy, and while it took him far longer than he’d prefer, he was able to get his clothes off and look into the water. His breath hitched as he stared into it, the shadows of the mostly dark room making it look so much deeper than it was. This was stupid. His head was spinning, scrambling his brains. It was just a bath- just a bath. He’s had baths before. Yes, he prefered other ways of washing himself, but he wasn’t a petulant child, he was Kaz goddamn Brekker.

(All he saw in the very faint reflection was little Kaz Rietveld, a tiny face still round with baby fat, his dark hair almost brushing his shoulders as his gray eyes widened, innocent and naive and clutching a red ribbon.)

He focused on just trying to keep his breath steady as he swung one foot over the brim and into the water. He shuddered at the cold, his chest feeling tight. The other leg was next, making his entire body tense before it followed into the water.

“Kaz?” Inej asked softly, back still turned to him. He admired her silky dark braid that ran down her spine. “Are you… In the water?”

“Yes,” Kaz whispered, hands gripping the edges with white knuckles as he hunched over his own body. He was breathing harder than he would have liked.

She hesitated still. “Can I… Can I cover most of the top with the blanket? Not over your head, just- just your body.”

He wondered if part of it was for her own comfort. Guilt lanced through his spine- maybe he should’ve asked for Jesper. He didn’t want Jesper to see him like this, but he’d take that hit over making Inej uncomfortable.

“Yes,” he rasped instead of voicing any of that. He stared straight ahead at the foot of the basin, trying not to acknowledge the water. He could swear he tasted salt and copper.

“Okay,” Inej said softly, and then there was a blanket carefully pulled taunt over the top of the basin, leaving a small space at the end for Kaz’s head and shoulders. He noticed that she was careful not to look in the water and that guilt twisted like a dagger in his side.

“You don’t have to be here,” he forced out of his mouth, voice strained and on the verge of breaking. “Jesper can do it.”

Inej paused, looking at his face from where she was weighing down the edges of the blanket. All that unnecessary work to keep him from being seen. “Did you change your mind? Do you not want me here?”

“No,” he said quickly. Too quickly.

She frowned, kneeling at his side. “No, you didn’t change your mind or-”

“Didn’t change my mind,” he mumbled, looking away from her. She was too nice, too good to be around someone like him. “You just… Don’t have to. If you don’t want to.”

“Kaz,” she murmured, reaching out for a second like she was going to touch his face before pulling her hand back, thinking better of it.

He hated the part of him who wished she hadn’t.

“Kaz,” Inej repeated, a little more urgent this time.

“What.” He said through clenched teeth, his tone clipped.

“Do you want me to be here?” She pressed.

“Yes.”

She paused, brows furrowed. “Do you think I don’t want to be here? With you?”

He scowled, his chest feeling so tight and his legs trembled. “I don’t fucking know,” he snapped but the stress in his voice gave him away.

“Okay,” she murmured, backing off to try to give him some space. “I- I do want to be here, for the record. I don’t-” She let out a shaky breath and Kaz could hear her moving something closer as she sat down on the stool. “If I’m being honest, I was really hoping you wouldn’t ask me to leave.”

Kaz was surprised enough that he was able to tear his gaze long enough to look at her, the water filling his lungs pulling away just for a moment.

And then she held up a cup of water from the bucket at her feet. “Tip your head back and close your eyes,” she said gently. “I’m going to pour this on your forehead and hair- hopefully none of it will get on your face, but I need you to cool down, Kaz.”

Tell me what you need from me, Inej, and I’ll give it to you.

He didn’t say a word as he tilted his head back, following her instructions and trusting her more than he trusted anyone else. He was there at his weakest and yet still bared his throat to her with his eyes closed. He couldn’t stop her if she were to take one of her knives and slit his throat then and there, letting the blood mix into the water, and leaving him there. He would deserve it, after all. She was good in every meaning of the word, and he- well, he was the scum the Barrel chewed up and spat out. He was not a good person and never would be.

He wondered which knife she would choose- Sankt Petyr would be most appropriate in his own personal opinion, but that would be up to Inej.

She didn’t do that of course. It was a kindness he didn’t deserve, but she gave it anyway. She was too good in that way. Probably too trusting too, if she trusted him- he never lied to her, yes, but that didn’t make him trustworthy. In anyone else, he’d call it idiotic. In Inej… He didn’t mention it, in fear of losing it.

He couldn’t help the hiss that came out of his mouth, the slight flinch as water was carefully poured onto his forehead. He jerked where he sat, every muscle in his body fighting against the instinct to lash out. His breath was shallow and quick, and he could hear Inej’s voice, muffled and far away. Like he was hearing her through water.

Oh, he was drowning, wasn’t he?

Something tapped his cheek (dry, his cheek was dry, how was it dry-) and he gasped, eyes flying open as he flinched away from the touch.

Inej was staring at him, her deep brown eyes, usually sharp and wary, were filled with a kind of devastation Kaz couldn’t even begin to understand. “Kaz,” she was saying. “Kaz, I’m so sorry, I didn’t- I didn’t know it was that bad. I just-”

Kaz shivered, feeling more awake than he had in days. “Inej,” he said simply, raspy and exhausted.

She let out a slow breath, forcing herself to stay calm. “I’ve got you,” she murmured. “What can I do?”

He was so cold but also so very hot as he stared at Inej, taking a beat longer than he would’ve liked to process the question. He could already feel himself drifting off once more, and he shook his head. “Talk,” he whispered, near pleading. “Talk to me.”

Inej didn’t hesitate as she started to talk, watching him like a hawk as she began to tell him about the first slaver she sank after leaving Ketterdam. Honestly, Kaz really couldn’t pay attention to the actual words, his brain far too fried, but he was able to latch onto her lilting voice as she spoke- strong and steady, like a pulse. Keeping Kaz in check.

She pulled up another cup of water but hesitated, looking at him for permission. “I- we need to do this, Kaz, to break your fever, okay?”

He looked at the cup warily but nodded, tilting his head back again as his grip tightened even more on the edges of the basin. “Don’t stop talking,” he said.

As soon as he had stopped talking, Inej had picked it back up, speaking a little louder to drown out the sounds of a deadly quiet harbor from Kaz’s head. He forced out a slow breath, bracing himself, and she poured the water again- not as fast this time, he noticed. Not as much at a time.

Before she finished pouring, there was a knock on the door, making Kaz flinch. Inej deftly pulled the cup with the remaining water up and out of the way before any splashed on his face, looking to the door. “Don’t come in,” she called, setting the cup down and then looking at Kaz. “It's Jesper with some more water, okay? We need to fill the tub more to try to cover as much of you as possible, I’m really sorry.”

Kaz gritted his teeth. “Hurry up with it then,” he snapped.

Inej stood and went to the door as a touch of guilt panged Kaz’s heart. She didn’t deserve his foul mood, not when all she was doing was trying to help, but he didn’t have the energy or willpower to apologize. He would do it later.

She came back with two buckets filled near to the brim. “Lean forward, okay? I’m going to pour it slowly on your back. I’ll talk through the whole thing, I promise. Lean forward when you’re ready.”

It took him a minute of struggling to calm his breathing the best he could as Inej picked right back in her highly detailed tale, giving him the space and time he needed. Finally, he nodded and leaned forward slowly, his hands coming up to grip the back of his own neck. Inej’s voice rose as he felt the first rush of water on his back and he only barely was able to not flinch away. He focused on Inej, wishing he could still see her, but her voice would do. There was an ebb and flow to her words, he noticed. At some point, he thought she might be speaking Suli, but he couldn’t honestly be sure.

He wasn’t sure how long it took, but eventually, both buckets had been emptied. She didn’t stop talking, even as she moved around, the door opening and then shutting once more- giving the buckets back to Jesper, he realized belatedly. She came and sat back down, and only then did her words slow.

“Kaz?”

He grunted, fingernails digging into his spine.

“You’re gonna hurt yourself,” she said softly.

Even though her request was not verbalized, Kaz could deny her nothing. He forced his hands to loosen their grip.

“Can- will touch help at all? Will it be better to have a physical anchor to ground you?” She asked tentatively.

His first instinct was to recoil, to lash out and draw his walls high. Listening to his first instinct was what lost him Inej the first time, and he would not do it again. He forced himself to be still and take in a deep breath, or at least as deep as he could get, and thought about her question.

Thinking about it on a surface level, he wanted to say no, but- but he had been getting better. He had gotten better, and Inej always seemed to be able to weasel her way into being an exception. Her skin was not waterlogged and bloated and so very cold- she was probably entirely dry besides her hands. Slowly, he lifted his head and looked at her carefully- if he could just make sure he stayed in the present, that he was touching a living person instead of a body, Inej might just be able to help.

“No wet skin,” he rasped. “It’ll make it worse.” He knew that for sure.

Inej immediately grabbed an extra rag to wipe her hands dry and then offered it to Kaz. He tentatively dried his own hands the best he could.

“Can I…” He hesitated, looking at her. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. He’d chew on a rusty nail sooner than he’d willingly do that. But Inej was a grown woman, and he had to remember that she was perfectly able to tell him if she couldn’t do something. He trusted her to do that. He shifted slightly, avoiding her eyes as he nodded towards her thigh, the one right up against the edge of the basin from where she sat on the stool. “Can I lean against you and- and hold your wrist so I can feel your pulse?” It took far more time and energy to spit all of that out than he expected, but he didn’t want to fuck this up. He wanted to make sure she understood his intentions.

Inej looked a little surprised, blinking before a slow smile stretched across her lips. “Of course,” she murmured, offering her arm immediately.

He gently took it, cradling her thin wrist in his hand and let out a shaky sigh as he felt the reassuring pulse of pumping blood underneath his thumb.

Inej brushed off her dark leather trousers, and adjusted herself before gently patting her leg with her free hand. “Go ahead,” she murmured.

He gingerly laid his head upon her thigh, tensing in fear but it was okay. He was okay. He could feel the heat of her body, and if he focused, he could hear the faintest hint of a heartbeat. He could hear her breathing, and still felt her pulse. He was okay, and she was alive, and it didn’t even matter he was sitting in a tub of water, delirious and sick out of his mind, because Inej was there. Inej was there for the first time in over a year, and he could feel the proof that she was alive right under his cheek. Inej was there and she wouldn’t let anything hurt him.

It took him a while but after a few minutes, Kaz realized Inej was speaking, the hum of her voice traveling all through her body.

No.

She was singing.

Usually, Kaz didn’t care for music or singing. It was fine, he could usually tolerate it, but he certainly would never encourage it or seek it out himself.

If he could, he would bottle up the song that Inej sang to him so he could listen to it forever.

He didn’t really care whether her singing would be considered “technically” or “classically” good- he just knew that he loved it and he couldn’t believe he had been missing out for so long. She was singing in Suli, Kaz figured, recognizing a few words here and there though he didn’t know what they meant.

It reminded him of late summer evenings, when the very first of the apples were ripe, and the evenings were still warm. Blue skies up as far as the eye could see, farmland stretching into where it turned into wooded forest. Being called in for dinner and seeing fresh baked bread with some cabbage and potatoes and, if they were so lucky, rookwurst from the butcher. Soft grass between his toes, sheep bleating behind him as the sheepdogs herded them, grinning up at an all too familiar face, still so young.

Young forever.

He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, his fingers holding onto Inej’s wrist a little tighter as he shuddered. Thinking about his childhood in Lij was… Painful at best. He focused on Inej, not wanting to expose even more weakness when he was already so damn vulnerable.

If Inej noticed, which he knew she had, she said nothing, just continuing to sing. He could feel her warm brown eyes watching him, could tell she was being so careful to be still and not touch him anymore than he had specifically allowed. Her voice permeated the very fiber of his being and he let her sweep him away.

He wondered what she was singing about- maybe it was a song that reminded her of her childhood too. Or a love song.

Or it could be about fishing, for all he knew. He wanted to ask, but he couldn’t muster the strength to push the noises out of his throat.

The rest of that night passed in a haze; Kaz was too exhausted from all of the expended energy to do anything more than the very bare minimum of what was asked from him. Eventually, he was finally back on his lumpy mattress and allowed to slip off once again.

He didn’t know how long it was after, but he woke to the sound of hushed voices.

“- think he will be okay, I can break the fever, and his body should be able to do the rest- though, you know how to find me if he can’t.”

“We really can’t thank you enough, especially considering how… Discrete we need this all to be.”

There was a slightly nervous laugh that grated on Kaz’s nerves. “Right, well. Um. Let’s get on with it then, shall we?”

Inej was right next to him. He could feel it, could feel how close she was, could feel her gaze boring into him. “Kaz,” she murmured. She already knew he was awake. There were times he was sure she was a mind reader.

“‘Nej,” he breathed, eyes struggling to open. Everything was very slow, he thought. Or maybe very fast. It was difficult to decide.

He closed his eyes again.

“No, Kaz, stay awake, okay? Open your eyes,” Inej said firmly- her words were not requests.

There was also a strange edge of desperation that Kaz couldn’t quite wrap his head around. Did she need his help?

“‘Kay,” he rasped, opening his eyes again. Inej’s brown eyes were so pretty- dark brown, endlessly deep, like if he tipped forward far enough he’d fall in. Almost everything about Inej was pretty- the hooked slope of her nose, the warm brown of her skin, the mole underneath her left eye, and the tiny nick in her ear she had gotten when first practicing her knives- she had thrown it at the target, but her aim was off and the handle bounced off and flew back at her. Her hair was down, he noticed, near black waves that went all the way to her waist- it was like shadows clinging to her, hiding her, keeping her safe. He gave prayers to none, but if the shadows would agree to protect her, he’d get on his knees and beg.

Inej was saying something he realized with a jolt. “What?”

She pursed her lips, worry causing her brow to furrow. He wanted to wipe it away, to tell her everything would be okay. When he tried, he was reminded of why exactly she was so worried- he was weak enough that his limbs weren’t responding to him anymore.

“The healer needs to touch your forehead, okay?” Inej repeated. “He promised he could do it quickly.”

Kaz felt faintly as if that should be an issue, but he couldn’t recall why. His skin crawled anyway.

“Okay,” he whispered regardless, trusting Inej. He closed his eyes and this time, Inej did not ask him to reopen them.

He flinched as cold fingers pressed against his heated forehead, recoiling and making an awful noise, like a wounded animal. His stomach rolled and he panted as corpses were piled on top of his tiny, fevered body. He couldn’t even raise an arm to get the attention of the bodymen. “No, please,” he moaned lowly, shaking his head. “Please, I’m still alive, I’m alive!”

He couldn’t breathe, feeling sweat begin to bead on his forehead. He heard a sharp breath into an oddly familiar sob, and he groaned as his body very quickly seemed to be heating up, far too hot, like he was burning.

Oh Saints, he was burning. They set the fire at Reaper’s Barge, and he was going to burn with the rest of the corpses. Jordie was next to him, floating uselessly amongst rotting flesh. His grey eyes stared right at Kaz, burning a hole right through him.

How are you going to get out of this one, little brother? He mocked.

His breathing was shallow as he struggled, reaching out for something, anything-

“Kaz!” His name was cried out by a very familiar voice, and he desperately looked out over the dozens and dozens of bodies around him, the fire licking at his heels. He looked, struggling to hold on to who he was looking for, but he knew she would help. She would save him.

He looked to the shadows, and there she was.

“Inej,” he whimpered, afraid but so relieved to see her.

“It's okay, Kaz,” she whispered, getting so close but not touching. “You’re okay, I’ve got you, I promise.”

“I know,” he whispered back, trusting her with all he was. How could he not?

Her smile was watery and she rubbed her eyes. “Rest, Kaz. Get some sleep. You’re going to be fine.”

“Stay with me,” he said, desperate.

“I’ll stay as long as you need me,” she promised.

Kaz let the darkness swallow him.

Kaz woke up feeling like shit, the sun in his eyes. He groaned with a few choice words, turning on his side to try to fight the nausea in his stomach. He felt disgusting, he could feel his hair sticking to his skull with grease, and his skin felt sweaty just like his sheets. His head throbbed and he pressed his fingers to his temple, trying to just breathe.

Inej was in his window, he noticed. The crows were outside and her head was tilted towards them, her hair lighting up as the sun touched it. He thought she was ignoring him before he realized her eyes were closed and there was a soft rise and fall of her chest.

Sleeping.

He sat up slowly, grimacing at the aching pain radiating from every part of his body. He did his best to stay quiet, but Inej had always been a light sleeper- he watched as she stirred, blinking her eyes open to look at Kaz. She seemed to freeze in place, surprised before a wave of relief hit her, making her lips curl into a smile.

He might’ve been looking at her lips a little more than usual. He figured he could get away with it this time.

Inej pushed herself off the windowsill and walked to his side silently. She was barefoot, he realized, and had taken off her tunic, leaving her far more exposed than she’d usually feel comfortable with in front of men.

He was the exception, apparently, and there was a lump in his throat. Probably unrelated.

“You’re awake,” she said, reaching his side. Her hand raised like she was going to brush the hair out of his face, but didn’t come any closer, hovering awkwardly for a moment before she rubbed her collarbone instead. “How are you feeling?”

Kaz took in every bit of her, studying her face, her neck, her arms- anywhere he could see. He didn’t know what he was looking for.

(He was looking to see if she had changed since he last saw her.)

“I-” his voice came out in a choked croak and he grimaced, clearing his throat. “I didn’t- I thought-” He didn’t dare reach out to her to see if she was real. “I thought I had dreamed it,” he finally rasped out, barely audible, but Inej heard him.

She always heard him.

Her face crumpled and she turned away, taking in a shaky breath. “No,” she said softly. “I’ve been here. I- I haven’t left. You asked me to stay so- so I have. I didn’t leave you, not for a moment.”

Kaz faltered at that, staring at her. “You- but-” he huffed, rubbing his face to try to compose himself. “What happened to chasing down slavers?” He asked. Challenged maybe, which might’ve sounded more threatening if he didn’t look like one good push would put him out for the count.

She still wouldn’t look at him, and he hated himself. “I- I’m sorry for not coming back,” she said after a moment. “I’m not sorry for leaving but- well…” She laughed bitterly. “You didn’t send me any letters, and I didn’t want to be the one to come crawling back.”

The admission took the air out of Kaz’s lungs, and he finally looked away as well. “I- You told me once that I could make anyone do anything just by saying the right things and you- you hate it when I do that to you. I didn’t- I wanted you to come back of your own accord, not because I managed to just… Manipulate you into it or something.”

Inej’s head swung back towards him sharply, staring at him, looking for any lie in his words. Finding none, she snorted in disbelief. “You- you shevrati, are you kidding? I wanted you to say the right thing. The right thing being an apology- that’s not manipulating me, Kaz.”

His face burned and he felt shame and guilt filling his lungs but as he glanced at her, he saw a softness he didn’t expect. “I- I am sorry,” he murmured. “For the record.”

“I know.” Shaking her head, Inej brushed it off with a wave of her hand. “I forgave you as soon as I saw how you reacted to me just being here,” she said quietly. “Even in the throes of sickness, you recognized and apologized to me.” She let out an exasperated chuckle. “I just- it wasn’t worth it. All of this time away from each other, and for what?”

He frowned, shifting uncomfortably. “I don’t- I don’t remember that very well,” he admitted quietly. His lungs constricted in fear. “What else did I say?”

All amusement left Inej’s face, and she just looked at him for a long moment. “You- you said a lot of things,” she said softly as she sat down on the bed next to him. She studied her own hands. “Some of it made sense, and some of it-” her breath hitched. “Jesper said you thought he was- you thought he was Jordie.”

Kaz could feel the blood drain from his face, and he hunched his shoulders, unable to look at her. “I don’t- I don’t know where that came from,” he lied. He could feel her quiet disappointment as he attempted to put walls back up- he knew she wouldn’t press him, wouldn’t ask if he didn’t want to tell, but he had lied anyways. He could feel her begin to pull away, and he would do anything to keep her with him.

He hugged his good leg to his chest. “I do know where that came from,” he corrected after a long moment. He could feel her gaze return to him, curious and unwavering, but not pressing.

She wouldn’t push it, he knew- partially out of respect but also because he needed to volunteer that information- he needed to lower his walls willingly. She would not take what was not given.

“Jesper- he reminds me of Jordie,” Kaz rasped, shoulders hunched and fingers gripping the fabric of his trousers tightly. “Reckless, stupid, all too trusting, willing to gamble it all.” His voice quieted. “Protective. Funny. Kind.”

Inej said nothing, but he could feel her gaze soften, tilting her head. He could practically see the strands of hair escaped from her braid hanging in front of her steady, caring eyes. He could feel her silent support.

He kept going.

“We- we weren’t from Ketterdam. Not originally- Jordie and I were born in Lij, raised on a wheat farm. Our mother died of some kind of complication caused by my birth, so I never knew her, but Jordie did. Our father died when I was 9- plow accident in the field.” He was quiet, staring at the wall for a long moment. “I’m the one who found him,” Kaz admitted softly into the still room.

There was a sharp intake of air at his side but he ignored it.

“We sold the farm and went to Ketterdam- Jordie was convinced that he, at 13, would be able to provide for us so I could go to school and he could become a merch.” Kaz bared his teeth bitterly. “We met a man- a merch, he claimed, very successful with a wife and daughter. He got Jordie to trust him, and Jordie went all in on it. Signed him all of our money because Jacob Hertzoon promised he would invest it on our behalf and earn Jordie back so much more than he put in.” He let out a shaky sigh. “You know how this ends, Inej. He conned us. We lost everything, were evicted from the boarding house and ended up eating scraps out of the trash. We lived on the streets of the Barrel, but-” his voice caught. “Not for long.”

He pressed his forehead to his knee, breath shaky. He could hear waves crashing behind his eyes, tasting the salt on his tongue and feeling the icy fingers of the dead grabbing at his ankles.

Slim fingers gently tangled with his. Familiar fingers, nimble and calloused from years of hard work, tiny divots or various scars- small marks on knuckles from a rough punch, lines of white from the nicks of blades and glass. Warmth of the living, and a strong grip, squeezing so very gently. The faint scent of lantern oil and chai.

He took a shuddering breath. “The Queen’s Lady Plague,” he said simply, softly, and Inej seemed to understand immediately, bringing her other hand to enwrap his entirely. “We- it got both of us. I was- I can’t explain to you what it felt like, but I think being burned alive would’ve been a mercy. The bodymen picked us up. I was… Still technically alive, but either they didn’t hear me or didn’t care.” Inej was his only anchor to keep him from slipping into awful memories. “I woke up in Reaper’s Barge with Jordie staring at me. With Jordie’s corpse staring at me. I was- I had to swim back to the harbor but I was only 9-” He looked up at Inej, expression stricken and nearly desperate for her to understand.

He didn’t realize until that moment just how much he needed Inej to not condemn him for what he had done. To forgive him even for using his dead brother in such a way. To understand that he did what he had to to survive.

“I didn’t want to, but I couldn't stay in the Reaper’s Barge,” Kaz rasped, breath stuttering in his chest. “I wasn’t strong enough to make it all the way by myself and- and the dead float.”

If he had thought Inej looked devastated before, she was practically gutted now, tears welling in her eyes as she realized just what Kaz was telling her.

“When I made it to the harbor, it was all I could do to pull myself out of the water. I couldn’t- I couldn’t pull him up too. I couldn’t even spare the strength to close his eyes, and he just kept staring at me, Inej. Looking right at me.” His voice hitched and she blinked rapidly. “I couldn’t- I can’t touch people now without remembering how it felt to have the dead touch me. Bloated, rotting skin falling away in chunks, threatening to drown me- I just can’t do it.”

Inej tightened her grip on his hand, looking at him almost questioningly. “Is… Is this okay?” She whispered, sounding choked.

“If it's you, yes,” Kaz whispered back. “I know your hands better than I know my own. I know where to feel your pulse.”

All she could do was nod, and he could see all the pieces falling into place. “That’s- that’s why you panicked in the bath,” she murmured, reaching out with one hand like she was going to cup his cheek, but pulling away before she could. “Water. Being sick. Oh, Kaz…”

“It’s fine,” he said weakly.

“It’s not,” she shot back firmly, eyes flashing with something just as sharp and dangerous as the knife on her hip. Maybe even more so.

“Hertzoon was a conman,” Kaz rasped. “From the very beginning.”

Understanding crossed Inej’s face, and then a dark fury unlike anything he had seen on her before. “Rollins,” she guessed.

“Rollins,” he agreed.

“If he ever steps foot in Ketterdam again-” she started and then cut herself off, letting out a controlled breath. She considered Kaz as her expression once again melted into something else- not pity. Never pity. Rather a sympathetic understanding- she didn’t know his exact situation, but she understood well enough. “Thank you for telling me,” she said after a beat. Thank you for trusting me, she didn’t say. Thank you for taking off your armor.

He heard it anyway.

Exhausted, he nodded, lowering his gaze once again.

“You should get some rest,” she said, making a movement like she was going to stand up.

Panic rose in his chest and he held fast, speaking before he even thought of what he was going to say. “No. Please don’t go.”

Inej stared at him and then slowly nodded, sitting back on the bed. “Okay,” she said. “Okay.” A pause and then, “How do you want me?”

After a little maneuvering and negotiation, they settled with Inej sitting against the headboard with Kaz laying next to her, lightly holding onto her wrist to feel her pulse while she gently, lovingly, combed her fingers through his dark hair.

“I should tell you something,” Inej murmured, curling a strand around one of her fingers.

“Mm?” Kaz hummed, body exhausted but still attentive.

“I… I’m in love with you too.”

He stilled, heart pounding in his throat. “What?” He croaked.

“Your letter,” Inej prompted, calm as ever. Her pulse was quicker than it had been moments before, pumping under his fingers.

“My letter,” he echoed dumbly. “My letter? You read that? But I-” he cut himself off.

He never did actually burn the second letter- he had gotten sick the next day.

“It’s okay,” she promised softly, and as he looked up, he saw a smile cross her lips that took his breath away. “Just rest, Kaz. I’ll be here when you wake and then- and then we’ll talk.”

With Inej’s reassurance and promise held to his heart like a hand of cards, Kaz let himself drift into a dreamless sleep.