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Working in a small cinema was filled with many positive aspects for Shosanna. She took care of it with her aunt Ada, the owner, who had already promised Shosanna that one day Le Gamaar would become hers; she watched so many beautiful movies, especially those presented at the Berlin, Cannes and Venice film festivals. She practically knew all the most important French films by heart and was proud to already be so experienced in her own profession.
Shosanna was doing her dream job, and grateful for it every single day.
But what she liked most was that she could wake up at a decent time every morning, have breakfast at the boulangerie downstairs (a nice, freshly-baked croissant) and go calmly to Le Gamaar. Her tiny apartment, in which she lived alone and could afford thanks to the salary given to her by Aunt Ada, was a more than reasonable distance from the cinema both on foot and by subway. She usually loved walking down the streets, admiring Paris’s beauty and minding her own business, but on this particular day the weather was especially horrible.
Shosanna hated getting around when it rained; it seemed that all it took was a little rain to make Paris go crazy. Grabbing her umbrella, she left her house in a good mood anyway. After stopping by Poilâne for breakfast and eating a bag of hot lemon madeleines, she quickly covered the distance separating her from the subway entrance and slipped into the warmth of the Saint-Placide metro station.
Since it was almost ten and rush hour was long over, the subway carriage was half-empty. Shosanna loved being able to move without the typical confusion found in a big metropolis like Paris. It was a private paradise for her, since she could sit down and chill out until the Odéon stop, where she would disembark. God, how she loved living and working in the Latin Quarter... she wouldn't have changed it for anything else in the world.
Shosanna took her book, The Devil in the Flesh by Raymond Radiguet, out of her bag (she had recently watched Marco Bellocchio's movie loosely based on it), and relaxed in her solitude. She knew by heart the minutes that separated her from her stop and decided to focus on the book for half a dozen pages.
Although she was reading, Shosanna noticed someone sitting just in front of her and saw a book in this person's hands. She glanced up quickly to find a handsome man seated properly, beside him was a black leather briefcase.
His brown hair was damp, and he used one hand to try and fix the way it fell around his attractive face. He wore a warm camel-colored coat stained with raindrops, and kept a thoughtful expression while regarding the book he held, which must have been at least four hundred pages. A pair of earbuds were tucked into his ears.
Shosanna loved knowing what strangers read on the subway, as it was a fragment of their identity, freely offered. And so, she tried to figure out what the title of his book was without being noticed, but her attempt was fruitless.
With her movements, Shosanna only drew attention to herself. The mysterious reader looked up at her, followed her gaze and immediately understood her curiosity. Amused, he smiled at her (Mon Dieu, he even had a wonderful smile!) and leaned forward slightly from his seat to let her read the title: Journey at the End of the Night.
Shosanna was impressed. Louis-Ferdinand Céline was a rather complex novelist.
In return, she showed him the cover of her book and they both laughed: they were each reading books written by French writers, and set during the First World War. It was an absurd coincidence.
The charming man opened his mouth and Shosanna knew he was about to say something to her, when the metallic voice from the speakers inside the carriage announced that Odéon would be the next stop.
Shosanna was appalled at having completely lost track of time to flirt with a man she'd never met before – and on the subway, using books! She got up with a snort, going to the sliding doors. As she did, she approached him. The man simply looked at her with a smile and said goodbye with a wave of his hand, which Shosanna returned a little sadly as she exited the train.
Shosanna was sure she would never see him again. Theirs had been a classic brief chance encounter, two complete strangers on the Paris metro which thousands upon thousands of people rode every day, and yet... she felt quite sorry about it.
After all, she would have loved to know what his opinion about Céline's book was.
That afternoon Shosanna was on shift at the Le Gamaar ticket office, while Aunt Ada was inside to sort out a few necessary things. Having placed herself behind the glass in her comfortable vintage alcantara wood chair, she had already welcomed numerous spectators.
She loved being in contact with people like this, the microcosm she was part of gave her an incredible inner peace.
In the meantime, three days had passed since the meeting with the mysterious reader of Journey to the End of the Night and every now and then she still thought of him. She didn't know why, but that man had struck her tremendously. Especially his sincere and open smile... it wasn't easy to find smiles like his anywhere.
Shosanna gave a bitter sigh and politely addressed the next person in line to buy the ticket. When she saw him in front of her, she was afraid for a moment that she might be hallucinating.
But when the subway man recognized her with sparkling eyes, he greeted her warmly (again with that beautiful smile - he had to stop for the sake of her heart!) and asked her how it was going with The Devil in the Flesh, all while handing her a ten euro note, she was sure it was all real.
Shosanna was speechless. Up close he was even cuter, but she still managed to answer him.
"I liked it a lot, I finished it just yesterday. While it isn't as long as Journey at the End of the Night, it was still rather challenging. What brings you to my cinema’s review of Shakespearean movies that I have curated myself, dear stranger with no name?"
"I sincerely apologize for being rude, but the surprise of seeing you again has me overwhelmed. My name is Fredrick and, as I think you can tell from my accent, I'm German. Glad to meet you, my dear young cinema owner… also with no name."
He was so courteous, like a gentleman from another time.
Fredrick added that he had noticed Le Gamaar while walking around the Latin Quarter and had managed to carve out some time that afternoon because he had read the program and had seen that Franco Zeffirelli’s Romeo and Juliet would be screened – he particularly loved that film, it was the best version ever made of his favorite Shakespeare tragedy.
Shosanna gave him the change with his ticket and smiled at him - she loved the fact that Fredrick was talking to her so much. She told him her name (which aroused a curiosity in Fredrick, who stated it was the first time in his life that he'd met a Shosanna) and tried very subtly to figure out if he had a girlfriend.
"Do you need another ticket for your own Juliet?" she asked him with feigned indifference.
Fredrick laughed. "No, I don’t need one. It's quite difficult to have a girlfriend when you are a thirty year old soldier enlisted in the UN peacekeepers and you have spent the last five years of your life on peacekeeping missions around the world. I am in Paris because I was offered a job at UNESCO for the protection of artistic heritage in war zone countries and my poor sisters would appreciate very much me finally staying in a place easily accessible from Munich. Anyway, I'm still looking for my Juliet, thanks for your interest."
Finally sure that Fredrick was single, Shosanna felt free to continue flirting with him.
"Tomorrow Le Gamaar will screen Baz Luhrmann's Romeo + Juliet. It's not a classic version like Zeffirelli’s, but I find it amazing all the same. If you happen to pass by..."
Fredrick’s face brightened, then within two seconds faded into sadness.
"You don't know how much I'd like to please a beautiful madamoiselle such as yourself, but tomorrow I'll be busy all day at UNESCO to define the final details of my contract, and getting to know the work team I'm going to join in a couple of weeks. But I can assure you that our paths will cross again as soon as possible."
He gave Shosanna a small bow and walked towards the cinema's entrance. Shosanna's gaze followed him until he disappeared into Le Gamaar.
She was now totally fascinated by him and hoped with all her heart that Fredrick would keep his promise.
That same night, Shosanna dreamed of Fredrick.
It was a very strange dream. The air was unnaturally cold, they were outside Le Gamaar and Fredrick was wearing a dark green military uniform. A small eagle was embroidered on his chest, and on his head rested a cap that made him look younger than his true age.
She remembered absolutely nothing about their conversation, only that the street was nearly dark and that Fredrick was smiling warmly at her. Then, at a certain point, he made a shocked expression and ran away. She couldn't stop him and started screaming his name until it felt like her lungs might explode.
Shosanna woke up with a feeling of tremendous anxiety crushing her. And at that moment, she wished for nothing more than to be comforted by a hug from Fredrick.
One of Shosanna's favourite places in Paris was Shakespeare and Company. It was like a piece of another era had magically moved into her beloved Latin quarter, and she loved spending a few hours of her day off among those shelves, so full of volumes that they always seemed to be on the verge of bursting.
Shosanna was unsure about which book to buy next. She'd ruled out Journey at the End of the Night, since she would make sure to borrow it from Fredrick. At least she would have an excuse to see him again.
Two days after their last meeting at Le Gamaar, Shosanna always hoped to see him appear at the entrance, but she certainly couldn't spend her days waiting for him.
Shosanna was in the section dedicated to French literature’s great classics and she was looking around. She had in her hands the first volume of In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust and Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert, trying to decide between them. She had studied both of them in school, but as of now she didn't remember them all that well and wanted to refresh her memory a bit. In addition, her small bookcase was in need of being replenished.
"I promised you that our paths would cross again," a voice beside her whispered.
Shosanna turned with a start and was stunned to see Fredrick right there beside her. He smiled at her in his usual open and sincere way, and she felt her heart melt like snow under the sun.
"What are you doing here, Fredrick? Are you shopping too?" she asked curiously, since he had nothing in his hands. They were so close that she could smell his woodsy scent right in her nostrils: it was such a good fragrance it just made her want to hold him tightly.
Fredrick shook his head. "I just stopped in on my way to the cafe next door – they have great hot drinks and apple pie, you know. Anyway, I wanted to take a look at the new poetry books, but then I saw you... and thought I'd come say hi."
Shosanna couldn’t thank heaven enough that she'd left the house that morning rather than lying in bed.
"Can I join you at the café? I could really go for some herbal tea and a giant chocolate cookie right now."
Fredrick laughed heartily. "You don't even have to ask, Shosanna. Obviously you're more than welcome. I'll wait outside while you finish shopping. Personally, I adore both Proust and Flaubert, but if I may, I recommend you Madame Bovary. I always found it sublime... I'd like very much to discuss it with you."
Ten minutes later Shosanna walked out of Shakespeare and Company with Madame Bovary in her bag and the promise to spend a few hours with the man she had a terrible crush on.
Shosanna couldn't remember how long it'd been since she'd felt so good being together with another person.
Fredrick was a unique man, with so many interests, so many stories to tell. In addition to being handsome and having an ironic sense of humor, Shosanna found it adorable whenever his cute German accent emerged during the conversation they were currently having, that passionately jumped from one topic to another.
"The peace missions I participated to didn't allow me to dedicate a lot of free time to cinema and reading. In the short holidays I was taking in Germany with my six older sisters, I ended up dedicating all my time to them. They've been so constantly worried about me for years, ever since I joined UN."
"Six sisters? And you're the only boy? Oh God, I can’t even think how hard it was for you to grow up surrounded by women. I love my brother Amos to bits, but I've always had a domineering personality... as a child I made his life hell, poor thing. Now he's twenty, and had to move to Spain for university to get any peace away from me!"
Fredrick smiled at her in his usual way, then stared at her seriously.
"Getting away from you is the last thing that comes to my mind about you, Shosanna."
Though Shosanna was happy to hear such a romantic thing from him, she was also embarrassed by his sudden statement and tried to change the subject. She sipped her licorice tea calmly, then placed the cup down on the saucer.
"What places have you visited with the UN? And why did you want to become a Blue Helmet?"
"My peacekeeping missions were in Kossovo, Lebanon, and Mali. I had decided to go to Sudan before receiving the UNESCO proposal."
Fredrick paused to look out the window, gazing for a moment at the life flowing placidly outside, then stared back at Shosanna.
"The reason I enlisted is simple: I think war is the most horrible thing humanity can take part in. It's a degeneration of our very nature - as a German I can speak about this subject with certainty. I've seen with my own eyes a lot of misery, pain, devastation. And I know how difficult it is to get countries and people back on their feet after such situations. But I also witnessed generosity, solidarity, extraordinary and incredible gestures... Ernest Hemingway once wrote that the world is a fine place and it is worth fighting for it. I'm not so sure about the first part, but I have tried to dedicate my life to the second. And I will always continue to do so."
Shosanna, perhaps for the first time in her life, was completely speechless.
Such an immediate and profound connection with another human being was something that Shosanna had never experienced. She wished intensely that this morning together in the cafè next to Shakespeare and Company would expand into something eternal and infinite.
And in her heart she felt a certainty that she would fall in love with the man sitting in front of her, like she'd never loved before.
Shosanna was inside the Le Gamaar after the last show. It was past ten-thirty and for that night, she'd chosen The Merchant of Venice - she always loved Al Pacino in the famous monologue "I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes?”. Absolutely mind-blowing.
After checking that none of the audience had left behind personal belongings (all sorts of things, from sunglasses to cell phone chargers) and sweeping the floor, she noticed a figure in the room approaching her. Shosanna expected it to be Aunt Ada, but looking closer, she realized it was Fredrick.
Her heart jumped in her throat and she went to greet him. She wanted to hug him so tightly she thought she might die.
"Can I bother you for a second, Mademoiselle Shosanna? I came to make you a proposal, if you'll allow me," Fredrick told her in his usual teasing tone that made her so crazy about him. In all fairness, he could have offered her to go on a trip to the moon and Shosanna would have accepted without batting an eye.
She felt like she was a teenager again, with an uncontrollable crush, but it was fault of the man in front of her.
"Take a seat, Fredrick, and tell me. But please remember that I work tomorrow afternoon, so ask carefully, monsieur."
Fredrick gave her a tiny smile and looked at her reverently. "I just wanted to invite you to go for a walk through Jardin du Luxembourg. The weather should be sunny. I bought Camus's The Stranger and I don't want to read it indoors. And maybe we could grab a bite to eat together... then I'll take you back here, of course."
With how closely they were sitting, the way Shosanna's body completely turned towards him had basically answered his question before she could do so verbally.
A brief, intimate, wonderful silence passed between them, and it prompted Shosanna to ask Fredrick something that had been on her mind for a while.
"Fredrick, can I ask you something? Ever since we met that I keep thinking you have a familiar face, but I just can't imagine where I might have seen you before we met on the subway. What about you? Does this make sense?"
Fredrick sighed and nodded.
"I felt the same thing the first time I saw you. As if I already knew you, and it's only amplified. When we went to the café and I told you about myself, it was almost like reliving a past memory. But I have an idea... maybe we could be able to remember in this way."
Shosanna saw a sly smile cross Fredrick's handsome face, and a moment later his warm lips came to rest upon hers in a kiss.
An incredibly strange sensation pervaded Shosanna's body. She felt past memories, true memories of a broken life, re-enter her brain and join those of her current life. It was like being struck by a bolt of lightning.
It was devastating to take it all in: what she had lived, what she had lost, what she had done. She pulled away from Fredrick abruptly and saw her own emotions mirrored in his eyes.
And they finally recognized each other for who they really were.
Shosanna absolutely could not believe it: Fredrick Zoller was in front of her, the same man she had killed in 1944. The same man she was falling in love with.
Fredrick looked at her, completely shocked and white as a sheet.
"Emmanuelle?" was all he could say in a weak voice.
Shosanna found herself unearthing from her memory things she never thought she'd say, knowing that she would destroy herself and the man in front of her in the process of revealing the truth.
"No, I'm not Emmanuelle Mimieux, Fredrick. My name was and still is Shosanna Dreyfus. I was and still am Jewish. My entire family was killed by Hans Landa in 1941 and only I managed to save myself. You and your horrific uniform were the most supreme of enemies to me. I had to despise you and get away from you for myself and for the sake of my plan succeeding."
Shosanna had to tell Fredrick the whole truth about her plan, how she was ready to kill three hundred people. They were two faces of the same coin, she realized.
"Do you know what my big plan was? I had organized a fire in my cinema on the night of Nation's Pride’s premiere, killing all the people inside and blocking all the ways out. No one could have stopped me from getting my revenge, including you... and that's why I killed you."
Shosanna couldn’t talk, overwhelmed by tears, by memories, by emotions raging like a river. She wouldn't even be able to explain to Fredrick that she regretted shooting him the moment after she did it; that seeing his face on the screen broke her heart; that hearing his agony had been horrible, that she hadn't even held a shred of a grudge towards him for returning the same cruel treatment and killing her.
Or that she would probably never find the right words to tell him everything.
Fredrick stared dazedly at her as if she were a stranger, a person completely unrecognizable to him. And that hurt Shosanna so much, a pain she never thought she could feel. They had found each other and it was once again their death sentence. A tragic fate that they seemed unable to escape.
In tears, Fredrick finally decided to talk to her. He had a hollow look in the eyes, completely devoid of warmth or emotion. Shosanna knew she had broken his heart for the second time and felt that she, too, could cry forever.
"You didn't consider one simple fact in your whole perfect scheme: I loved you, Shosanna. Desperately so… and I think you knew that. I would have loved you in any way I could. I wouldn't have cared about the rest, or that you were Jewish, an 'enemy'. I would not have allowed anyone to hurt you, to pluck even a single hair from your head. Had it been Hans Landa, Joseph Goebbels or even the Führer himself..."
Shosanna was absolutely sure Fredrick was telling her the truth, which was the worst part of it all. He would have done anything for her.
"That day at lunch in the restaurant I showed you I was your ally – I thought I did, at least. I defended you as much as possible from everyone, even touching insubordination several times with Landa. I still remember your grateful smile when I managed to organize the screening of Lucky Kids in your cinema. And yet... and yet, despite all of this, it was easier for you to shoot me in the back than to tell me the truth."
Fredrick got up from his chair and, without saying another word or giving Shosanna a single glance, he left. Shosanna heard his footsteps echo in the empty silence of Le Gamaar, her soul crumbling amid sobs.
Shosanna couldn't sleep that night. She had so much pain inside, so much anger, so many things to think about and, above all, the sound of Fredrick's crying as she explained to him why she had to put three bullets in his back and the sight of his devastated face didn't leave her alone, not even for a single second.
Shosanna had killed a man, who in turn had killed her. She had killed a man who was in love with her, and she had killed a man whom she now loved. Earning Fredrick’s forgiveness, or having it for herself, seemed almost impossible.
Fortunately, after their date at Shakespeare and Company, Shosanna asked Fredrick to swap their phone numbers. She stared at his contact on her cell phone screen as if it were a lifesaver in the middle of a storm, and began to cry profusely as she texted him.
"Fredrick, I know that talking to me is probably the last thing you want to do and that you are as shocked as I am by everything that has happened to us. Now we remember everything. But I need to finally tell you my truth and to explain all my life to you. I’m asking you for a favor: just listen to me, please. Then you can decide to forget me and pretend that I never existed. But I'm begging you to come and see me this morning at Le Gamaar. I'll wait for you in the projection booth, and leave the back door ajar."
Shosanna wasn't sure she'd see Fredrick again, yet he showed up. He stepped in the projection booth looking terrified - it was clear this place reminded him of the last moments of the previous life that Shosanna herself had cut short. Yet, it was for this very reason Shosanna had proposed to meet here. It was necessary to tell him everything and try to rebuild something together.
Shosanna absolutely did not want to lose Fredrick, but she knew it was highly possible. The very thought of being without him crushed her, but she had to face the consequences of their being responsible for each other's deaths.
Motioning for Fredrick to sit in a velvet chair, Shosanna remained standing in front of him. She took a deep breath and decided to get rid of all inner burdens and secrets forever. If Fredrick hadn't wanted her anymore, at least he would make that decision knowing everything.
"We Dreyfuses were simple people. We'd always lived in the countryside in harmony with neighborhood families at our farm, away from all danger. The fact that we were Jewish had never bothered anyone, and my brother and I grew up peacefully. Everything changed in 1940, when the Nazis occupied my country and the first rumors of round-ups and forced transfers across the border began to spread. Mom and Dad decided that hiding in LaPadite’s farm would be the best solution. Landa found us the following year, under the boards of the LaPadite’s house... in exactly ten seconds I lost everything I held dear in the world."
The mere thought of her entire family's death reduced Shosanna in tears, but she knew she couldn't stop in her tale for any reason. Her own happiness was at stake.
"I fled in tears, towards the unknown, completely covered in blood and mud. I was desperate and alone. I don't know how, but luckily I arrived in Paris. I stole, lied, slept on rooftops, did basically everything I could to keep going. Every night I wondered why I hadn't died with my mother, my father, my uncle, my twelve-year-old brother... and in the mornings I used that anger to survive in a world that wanted me erased."
Being left all alone in the world was a feeling Shosanna would never forget. It was a coldness inside her soul, and thinking that the sun would never rise again in all her life.
"Then I arrived at the Le Gamaar dressed as a nurse and I met Ada Mimieux. She helped me rebuild a new identity, taught me to be a projectionist and, once she died, her cinema became mine. And then I met you in 1944. I remember that that evening in June was bitterly cold and you talked about Max Linder. I found you downright annoying, but at the same time, something about you had touched me. It must have been your immense love for cinema, equal to mine... but I immediately understood that you, Fredrick, weren't a bad person. Insistent and determined, sure, but not evil."
Shosanna paused to swallow. Her mouth felt sticky, but she needed to appeal to all her strength and continue with her story. Fredrick deserved to know everything.
"When we met at the café, I tried to be rude, to push you away. Once you told me who you were, how many people you had killed in Italy and that you were Nation's Pride’s star, I decided that I would never see you again. You were an immense danger to me, you threatened everything I had struggled to build in the last three years of my life. But I underestimated your stubbornness, I admit."
The truth was that Fredrick had scared Shosanna to death. The more she pushed him away, the more he wanted her. The more she mistreated him, the more he desired her. The more she wanted to escape from the threat he represented, the more he consigned himself to the future hell of his own misery.
"Your invitation to lunch was the icing on the cake. Finding myself sharing champagne with Joseph Goebbels made me want to throw up, but I noticed that you were focused only on me. You just wanted to help me by any means necessary, and I understood that changing the location of Nation's Pride's première was dictated by this. Except I was Jewish and you were a German war hero. How ironic was it that you were smitten with me?”
If Shosanna had told people that the most famous German soldier was in love with her, a filthy Jewish girl... she wouldn't even have had the time to do such a thing. The SS would put her on the first train to Poland and she would follow her people into total destruction.
"When Landa arrived, I felt the earth sink beneath my feet. I looked at you in despair as you talked to him and defended me. I would have given all the money in the world so that you would not leave me alone with my family's murder. God, Fredrick, you were just messing with my life! I knew you weren't like them, and I pitied you, for how pathetically you struggled to impress me, but... sometimes I hated you so much."
And that was their great tragedy: an absurd mixture of love and hate, attraction and disdain. Not even Shakespeare could have thought of such a twisted love story.
"The plan was already forming in my mind. After the Lucky Kids screening, I had already worked out everything. You had unwittingly given me the greatest gift in the world: you had offered me on a silver platter the perfect opportunity to get my revenge. In a way, I was grateful to you for that. But I would never have shown you mercy - you would have died exactly like everyone else, burned alive in those flames. If you had been an obstacle to my plan – which you were – I told myself I would have pulled the trigger without a single regret."
Shosanna saw Fredrick, again in pain-stricken tears, as she poured all these brutal thoughts over him. She knew how cruel she had been towards him, but at the time she had no choice. Neither of them had had it. They had been two victims of circumstances, two prisoners of an atrocious war.
"You came up to the projection booth at the worst possible time. I'd recorded a message on the fifth reel of your movie, I would explain who I was and that everyone in the room would die as victims of my revenge right after your line 'Who wants to send a message to Germany?' . I would have been safe, I would have enjoyed the sound of their screams as they burned and I would have run away with Marcel… he was the projectionist, my lover. I never did all of this, though, because of you."
Shosanna knew she was thrusting a knife into Fredrick's heart with every sentence she uttered, but she had to be honest and go on, no matter what. This was her atonement for his death.
"When you came to me, it was almost the right moment. I tried to chase you away by being rude, but you lashed out, hurt my wrist. I thought pretending I would seduce you would calm you down, and it did. Then I took the gun. I was totally panicking, and made up my mind in a split second. I shot you three times and watched you slide to the ground, your blood staining your beautiful white jacket."
The silence in the projection booth while she was talking to Fredrick was deafening. Shosanna was so tired, so sad, so heartbroken, but she continued nonetheless.
“I thought I would feel relief killing you... instead I only felt a great sadness and immense regret. I didn't want your blood to stain my hands, you didn’t deserve to die. I would never forgive myself for what I just did to you. I would never have had a problem killing sons of bitches like Hitler, Goebbels, Goering. Hell, I would have enjoyed hearing Landa die in excruciating pain. But you, Fredrick... you were... different from all of them. I made a terrible mistake... and I only realized it when it was too late."
Shosanna had to stop and pause: she was crying so much that her head was weighed down, heavy, and words were piled up in her mind in a confused way, she couldn’t speak. Her heart still ached for this action so tragic, yet so necessary at the time.
Fredrick's only fault had been falling in love with her.
"It's ironic, you killing me just as I thought all of this. You must believe me, that I don't hold a grudge against you, for what you did to me. You were only responding to my aggression... it was as if we consummated our relationship through those bullets. As I fell and was laying mortally wounded on the floor, I felt a strange peace inside me. I was bleeding out, and I thought it was finally all over, that I wouldn't actually worry about anything anymore. I no longer needed to be afraid of being discovered, because I had sensed that Landa was suspicious of me. I no longer had to be Emmanuelle Mimeux, I no longer had to build walls to protect myself, I no longer had to pretend not to be who I really was. I didn't even regret not being able to enjoy my revenge. I was very sorry that I was dying, and that I wouldn't be able to tell you the truth... you deserved to know why I just sacrificed you. Maybe in another life, when I will be Shosanna Dreyfus again, I thought. So... I guess my dying wish from so many years ago has just come true, Fredrick."
Shosanna couldn’t stop her tears. It seemed she had just offered her whole soul to Fredrick in a desperate attempt to make him understand the reality of things. And she prayed it would be enough.
But Fredrick couldn't even look her in the face and Shosanna felt everything collapse on her again.
Then, after a while, she heard his weak voice speaking to her.
"Holding that Luger in my hand to kill you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. I was shaking uncontrollably, I don't even know how I managed to kill you. I was in a terrible pain from being shot, but the pain of your betrayal... your rejection of my love was worse than any hell. I would rather die than do it, but I had such an anger inside me... every fiber of my body and soul refused to kill you, but I couldn't get over the fact that I was actually pulling the trigger on you. A minute before you had invited me to close the door, and now I was dying on the floor."
If Shosanna could have gone back in time, she would have done so only to save Fredrick from a senseless death at her hands.
"I kept asking myself, 'Why, Emmanuelle? Why do you hate me so much? What have I done wrong to you to deserve all this?' And as I felt my strength abandoning me, I had only one thought: that loving you so much and killing you was my personal punishment for the three hundred people I had shot from that tower in Italy. You were a beautiful avenging angel who came down from heaven to make me atone for my terrible sins... your pretty dress was as red as all the blood I had shed."
Shosanna would have preferred to tear her heart out rather than feel all the torment of Fredrick's last moments. She ached for what she had done, but there was no turning back.
"I sincerely apologize for what I have unknowingly caused you," he went on. "I understand that I have put you in an impossible position... it was not my intention to make you suffer so much. Make you sit at the same table with Goebbels, leave you alone with Landa... I'm sorry about all of this, Shosanna. The last thing I ever wanted to do in my life was kill you, and I hate the fact that that was my last action against you. I assure you that I did not want to and I never would have hurt you. The only thing I wanted was just... to be by your side."
Fredrick was now struggling to articulate sentences, his eyes full of unshed tears and he was wringing his hands. It was so painful for Shosanna to watch.
"If only you had told me then... I would have helped you. I would have protected you at any cost, I would have put everything at risk for you, even if you were Jewish. I would never have dared to ask you for something in return, I was too much in love with you to do that. The love for my country and my family, all my military privileges, the bright future that had been presented to me in cinema and politics, my own life... I would have thrown everything behind me in a second for your sake. They wouldn't have meant anything without you to share them with."
Worst of all, Shosanna knew Fredrick was totally honest in his confession. Even in 1944 she knew perfectly well that he would be on her side, but she had chosen a different path.
"Do you know why I went up to your projection booth that fateful evening? Because watching a movie about my terrible actions made me feel terrible, and I needed to be with the only person who could make me feel like a human being, beyond war and all the propaganda. You, Shosanna. Truly, I just wanted to help you with the reels, and I felt comfortable with you, away from the horrible things I'd done to survive. And instead, it was like a sick version of Romeo and Juliet, finding death at each other's hands. The big, huge difference between the two of us is that I was, and still am, crazy about you, while you just wanted to get rid of me, this nasty little pathetic bug buzzing around you that you just wanted to squash. You succeeded perfectly in 1944, and I would say that you are still doing it today. With all my heart, I wish you the best of luck... Adieu, Shosanna."
Fredrick rose from the velvet chair and moved towards the door. In an instant, Shosanna had the terrifying certainty that if she ever let him go now, she would never see him again. She would lose him for the second time and couldn't afford to make another mistake like that.
She called out his name in a desperate, chilling way. Even Shosanna couldn't understand the sound coming from her mouth, but she didn't care. She stared at Fredrick's back, watching him closely.
She wanted so much to touch him and hold him, but Shosanna feared Fredrick would shatter like a glass thrown to the ground. She needed to talk to him, to tell him anything that could reach him, or he would be gone forever.
"Do you know how many people live in Paris? Over two million. Fredrick, tell me, what was the chance that we would be born again at the same time and meet? You don't need a degree in statistics to understand that we are facing a miracle, not a curse. I ask your forgiveness from the bottom of my heart for killing you, I regret not having taken a different decision at the time. I have never begged of anyone in any of my lives, yet I am here, in front of you, baring my entire soul and begging you with all my heart not to leave."
Shosanna only had one thought in mind. Please, please, please, Fredrick, don’t leave me again.
"You loved me in your life during the war, but I couldn't afford the luxury of reciprocating that love for so many reasons: my religion, my family, your nationality, your friendships, Marcel, my murderous plan. But now everything has changed. The world is different and so are my circumstances. My whole family is alive and well, France and Germany are no longer at war and no one tries to kill me for the God I believe in anymore. I met you without all these obstacles and now there's only me, who finally feels free to love you. Our time has come, the right time... if you feel even the smallest possibility of being able to love me again as it once was, I am begging you, don't throw it away. I swear not to hurt you anymore. I will spend this life and the next ones making sure. I just need you to believe me and not walk out that damn door."
Shosanna found herself gasping for breath at the end of her speech, as if she had just run a marathon. Fredrick turned to her slowly, his eyes showcasting the ongoing fight between his mind and his heart. Shosanna held his gaze, hoping he could capture all her love for him and praying they wouldn't tear each other's hearts apart this time.
Then she closed her eyes and heard the click of the door closing.
She had lost Fredrick. He had left her forever.
She had not been able to convince him. She had not made it.
Shosanna felt a horrible pain in her chest, as if someone was ripping her heart apart with their bare hands, and tears were running down her cheeks like a river. She was crumbling like ashes in the wind.
Then, two large, warm hands wiped away her tears and she felt a delicate caress upon her face. She opened her eyes and saw Fredrick in front of her, in his eyes, infinite love and forgiveness.
"It just seems like I can't stay away from you in any of my lives. I definitely haven't lost my special touch in annoying you, huh?"
Shosanna burst out laughing with Fredrick, as if they were two children, and felt her body being gently wrapped by his. They hugged, apologized to each other again, and kissed, their lips tasting of salt.
For Shosanna it was the best moment in any life she'd lived.
And she felt for certain that she would never waste this second chance with Fredrick for anything in the world.