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There is a voice inside him that says, you will not grow old.
Ianto Jones is four when he first hears this peculiar voice; a nameless thing that could be better described as a warm chill in the bones or a piece of self in the hands rather than a whisper in his mind.
It’s a bit unexplainable and puzzling, really, especially to a four year old’s limited vocabulary, so he doesn’t even attempt to find the words that could do this familiar but not familiar, scary but not scary thing justice. And even if he did try to do so, he wouldn't do who to bring the tangle of words to, anyway. Definitely not to his sister, who is too busy with “adult stuff”, not to his Mum, who is too busy worrying about his Da, and not to his Da, who is too busy worrying about himself.
After a while, he simply forgets the feeling of this voice and moves on with his life. He is four, after all. He has better things to do with his time.
There is a voice inside him that says, step back onto the pavement.
Ianto Jones is nine when he narrowly avoids being hit by a car driving too fast in a school zone.
It’s either pure luck or God’s will, people say afterwards when they’re done yelling or crying or gasping, but Ianto knows better. It’s none of the above. It’s just him, a boy from Cardiff.
But then he remembers all of the other times, the inexplicable occurrences more mundane than a swerving car, and starts to wonder whether the people who are whispering might be onto something.
And then he remembers the remnants of a voice that he felt when he was four and takes everything back.
There is a voice inside him that says, there are some things that people will never, can never understand. You are one of them. You will learn about the others.
Ianto Jones is thirteen when he meets someone who understands the voice inside.
You see, she says, staring into his eyes and right past him. You see like I do.
Ianto doesn’t know what she means and she leaves before he can ask her to elaborate. But he doesn’t need her to; the voice inside tells him everything she does not say. It does so slowly and searchingly like it doesn’t want to frighten him.
As if he could ever be scared of something so ingrained into his existence. (This naivety is not his fault; Ianto Jones is thirteen, and has things to learn, un-learn, and re-learn.)
And in the blood of his body, there is a voice that patiently reminds him, you will not grow old.
There is a voice inside him that says, go to London. You will find yourself there.
Ianto Jones is eighteen when he decides that the voice in his head can go eat shit. Like, forever. Because living with a rat named Steve and a flatmate who happens to drunkenly puke on the floor and be his Da is definitely the opposite of “finding himself”.
He perseveres, though, his disdain for his current circumstances and barista job overridden by his reluctance to return back to Cardiff empty handed.
What Ianto Jones also learns at eighteen is that there is no level of noise that can drown out the voice inside, not even when that noise is Finnish Black Metal playing on the loudest setting of his speakers.
The voice inside is a part of him as much as his hands or eyes are; he accepts it for what it is. Even if he still has no words to describe it.
There is a voice inside him that says, take the offer.
Ianto Jones is twenty when he turns down a job at Torchwood, instead asking Yvonne Hartman to get him re-hired at the Cardiff Museum instead.
This is a mistake , the voice in his head hisses, but Ianto doesn’t care. He’s seen enough of Torchwood and wants no part of it. And if he’s being honest, he wants to see what will happen if he doesn’t follow the voice for once.
If he even has the luxury of making mistakes in the undetermined length of his life.
There is a voice inside him that says, there is nothing you can do for her.
Ianto Jones is twenty-three when he drags out Lisa Hallet’s half converted body out of a crying building.
She is silent and so is he; for the first time, the voice inside says nothing beyond what it has already decided to give. He yells, prays, and begs, but receives nothing but a faint pulsing reminder from the voice: there is nothing you can do for her.
It even feels like a promise that has settled deep in his bones. That, somehow, makes Ianto want to disprove the voice inside even more. So he does the one thing he knows how to do: seek out Torchwood.
Ianto Jones is twenty-three when he moves back home to Cardiff.
The voice inside trills; Ianto doesn’t know if it does so in glee or in warning.
Meeting Captain Jack Harkness, the enigmatic leader of Torchwood Three, doesn’t smooth out the lines of his uncertainty. If anything, it makes it worse.
There is something, the voice inside tells him, about this man who is not a man.
And then it reminds him, not for the first time but more forcefully than it has in a while, you will not grow old.
Ianto does not know what all of this bodes for him but he refuses to turn back.
There is a voice inside him that says, stay. You can trust these people and love this man.
Ianto Jones is twenty-five when he tries to describe the voice inside for the first time.
It’s not really a voice, is what he starts out with, which only makes him more frustrated as he tries to explain to Jack. It’s more like a piece of gravity stuck inside, he continues haltingly. Sometimes I know I can tip the scale. Not for other people, though. And sometimes not even for myself.
There is a voice inside him that pulses and says, you will not grow old. Ianto does not mention this familiar refrain to Jack.
There is a voice inside him that says, this is the way it was always going to end.
Ianto Jones is twenty-six when he remembers for the last time that he was never going to grow old.
He’s dying slowly in Jack’s arms, in another building crying out for relief that’s not coming, and the only thing he wishes is that he could have prepared Jack for this like the voice prepared him.
I love you, Ianto says. He doesn't have the energy to say more.
Don’t, Jack replies. Ianto doesn’t need the voice inside to know what he really means is staywithmepleaseIantopleasepleaseplease.
Ianto doesn’t stay. He can’t.
Will Jack be okay? Is a question he tries to find the answer to before the darkness can take him away.
The voice inside doesn’t answer. Or maybe it does and he’s just too tired to hear.