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The day Jared Padalecki walks into the coffee shop, almost everyone recognizes him despite the large shades and the baseball hat. Nevertheless, nobody reacts differently, except for a few gasps, whispers, and some brave girls and baristas asking for his autograph.
No one, except for Jensen, who recognizes him in an instant, and like a girl who hasn't graduated high school yet, quickly makes a dive behind the counter and stays there for about the fifteen minutes Jared Padalecki is in the shop.
"He's gone," Danneel finally notes. There's a smirk on her face a she stares down mockingly at Jensen. "And you have to pay for the coffee you spilled, asshole."
"Fuck you," Jensen tells her eloquently, and crawls out of the counter with as much dignity as he can muster.
So the thing is, actor Jared Padalecki is kind of a success story: smart kid who went to college in UT Austin, got three years through his English major before being scouted in a college production during his third year. LA was supposed to be just a summer fling for Jared–or so he said in the interviews that Jensen decidedly did not watch–but he got more jobs that anyone in that tinsel town ought to have. And within three years, he was an extra for a blockbuster movie, had a mini-series, and was a recurring character in a show that only took one season before he became a regular.
And the other thing? Jared Padalecki was the guy Jensen had a crush on in one English elective class where Jensen was a TA.
He's also the guy Jensen blew during a frat party. And it was the last time Jensen ever saw Jared Padalecki until the guy landed on the big screen.
"You're kind of pathetic," Danneel tells him the next day when Jensen picks up his coffee. "You can't still be fixated on a drunken blowjob during college!"
"I am not fixated!" Jensen hisses at her, motioning to keep her voice down. The morning rush has disappeared, but Jensen can't help the creepy feeling that someone should be waiting for him to finish placing his order. "And where's my coffee?!"
"Coming right up, sir," she says scathingly, then follows up with a dramatic, "Oh my god, Jared Padalecki just walked into the store!"
"Haha," Jensen grumbles, making grabby hands towards Danneel. "Coffee! Now!"
"I'll pay for that, if you don't mind?" a deep voice says behind him.
Jensen freezes, and he can feel his brain slowly shutting down, unable to process. There's a silly ERROR ERROR ERROR sign flashing in his head. The only thing he can focus on now is the freakishly long arm reaching out from behind him to hand over a card, the voice that (no way, no way) should belong to someone he has no right to see ever again. Much less remember him.
Danneel's hand on Jensen's arm brings him out of his funk, and it's only then that he realizes she's saying something, "...you okay? Jensen!"
"...Yeah." Jensen resolutely does not turn around. "Uh, yeah...thanks..."
"Hi," Jared Padalecki's amused voice says from somewhere behind Jensen–around his right shoulder. "Might want to look at the guy paying for your coffee."
Danneel honest-to-god gives a whimper as Jensen slowly turns around, staring down at his folders. "Uh. Hi." He tries to say more but Jared's smile renders him incapable of speaking.
Goddamn, but it's not like he forgot how hot this guy is. The last look Jensen got of him was that mortifying time when he looked up, barely finished swallowing Jared's cum only to see the all-too familiar tight look of panic in his eyes. Right now, though, Jared is peering down at him with a distant smile, as if he seems to remember Jensen, but can't seem to place him.
Jensen snags that thought and holds on to it like a fucking lifeline. "Hi," he manages. "Thanks for the coffee."
Jared shrugs. "No problem, man. I'll have a mocha latte, extra cream, extra sugar," he tells Danneel.
Jensen quickly steps aside, not meeting the sharp glance Danneel gives him. "Coming right up, sir!" she chirps, her arms making spastic gestures at Jensen's direction. But Jensen only shrugs and waits his turn.
When his name is called, Danneel has to grab his wrist before Jensen can manage to scramble away. "This is the god of second chances staring at you at the face, Jensen! Are you gonna be a man?" she hisses.
Jensen tries to yank his hand back, protesting, "He doesn't even remember me! He barely even looked at me!"
"Selective amnesia is a god-given gift, moron!" Danneel snaps. "Don't you think I want to forget the first time I let Evelyn eat my pussy?! She used teeth!"
"Ugh, visuals!" Jensen moans.
"Shut up, women's pussy are amazing, you ass. Now you march up to him and be sexy and coy. Sexy!" Danneel slams down his cup, grins, and quickly calls out, "Order for Sam Wesson!"
Jensen whirls around in time to get trapped by Jared's hulking frame. They dance around each other, before Jared finally catches his eyes and says, "Hi, yeah, that's my drink."
"You paid for mine!" Jensen blurts out, then immediately wishes he can take the words back. He's absolutely sure Jared is going to take one look at him and recognize him, but the glasses he dropped when he started working, the muscles he was determined to gain, and the way he cut his hair must do some kind of trick, because Jared only smiles at him politely.
"Yeah," Jared says, nodding his thanks at Danneel as he grabs his cup. "My good deed for the day, man."
"Oh," Jensen says. "Well. Thanks again. It was definitely–"
"Don't mention it." And then Jared Padalecki is out the door before Jensen can say another word. It takes Danneel ten minutes to get Jensen to stop banging his head on the corner table.
Jared doesn't come into the shop the next day, nor the next. After a week of having a Jared-free coffee shop, Danneel goes back to teasing him about his lack of dates and Jensen manages to push the bad memories aside once more.
Working as a writer–including books, shorts, and songs–means Jensen has to rely on routines to get through the day without losing himself into the blurs of words, music, and structured lines. When he gets to the coffee shop on Saturday morning, he's expecting the empty coffee shop might give him a lull, especially after he drank until 4am this morning.
Which is why he can't believe Danneel might deliberately withhold his caffeine fix.
"It was an accident," Jensen whines, practically climbing over the counter. "I can go home and get it, but if I go back I'll end up sleeping and I have to go through some stuff. Gimme!"
"No," Danneel tells him cheerfully, calmly arranging the powdered flavoring. "Misha's definitely going to learn I gave you free coffee."
"It wouldn't be free," Jensen tells her indignantly. He still can't see good, and his stomach is roiling, but he's convinced a tall, dark black will definitely cure him. "I'll pay you back later, I promise. Don't make me beg!"
"Newsflash, son, you're already begging. Also, you look like you just jumped out of the bar. Don't your friends treat you good?"
"It's good if they just give me my fucking caffeine!"
"Sorry, not my fault you forgot your card at home, so go git. Beg for ten dollars outside for all I care. I'm not giving you free coffee on my watch just because you're friends with the establishment people. The world don't work that way, honey." Danneel's voice is practically gleeful,
Jensen practically weeps as the woman obviously takes pride at giving him pain.
Then a familiar voice says from behind him, "Oh, man, that's just sad. Danneel, I'll pay for this guy–but no fancy stuff for him. Is brewed okay with you, man?"
Danneel grins at someone from behind Jensen, completely ignoring the way Jensen freezes. "Coming right up, Mr. Wesson!" She salutes, then mock-whispers to Jensen, "That's pretty pathetic, Jen. Now go thank your benefactor."
Jensen whirls around, sees Jared towering over him, his hands in his pocket while he studies Jensen. "Uh–wow, I am so sorry you had to see that," he says, mortified.
"I see people who can't function because of many things," Jared says, grinning at him. "Trust me, coffee addiction is pretty small stuff." He cocks his head, then says seriously, "Don't start getting used to it, though."
"I won't!" Jensen says quickly. "Just...oh god, I was in such a hurry and I left my wallet at home. I better get one of those chains that snaps around my pants so I won't lose it–except it makes me look some kind of lame dog, or my friends will..." He realizes he's blabbering and immediately stops, blushing. "Uh. Yeah, that."
"That's not a bad idea," Jared says thoughtfully. "Might be a good investment. I wouldn't want to unleash decaffeinated you to the world."
"Oh god," Jensen utters, horrified to realize Jared Padalecki thinks he's an addict. "I don't really–"
Now it's Jared's turn to blush. "Sorry–sometimes I speak like I know the people I just met."
But you do, Jensen's mind supplies unhelpfully. He remembers this about Jared, the kid who would shyly come into his office to ask for advice about his paper. The first time around, Jensen had babbled about structure in short stories until Jared blurted out, "Jesus, you should seriously consider kicking Mike out–he didn't explain half of it as good as you!"
Jensen can remember staring at him with wide eyes, unsure how to react. Jared, in turn, had turned red, but he laughed and snatched his papers away, said something about making sure to go to Jensen next time he had a question, and it was the start of a weekly consultation that ended with a disaster and TV start Jared Padalecki talking to him because he doesn't remember that drunken blowjob three years ago.
Now, though, Jensen manages to stammer out, "It's fine."
"Here's your coffee, Jen," Danneel pipes up, suddenly appearing with a magical cup. "And your usual, Mr. Wesson. Why don't you go sit with the guy who just totally enabled you, Jen?"
"Subtle," Jared coughs, but he's grinning as he gestures to the corner of the cafe.
There's hardly anyone there so early in the morning during a weekend, but Jensen almost stumbles on the way to the table where Jared finally takes a seat. When they get there, Jared holds out his hand. "By the way, Sam Wesson isn't my real name. It's Jared Padalecki."
Jensen takes his hand into a firm handshake and tries to banish the memory of those hands gripping his hair as Jensen tried to breathe, mouth full of cock. "I, uh, I know."
"You've seen some of my work, huh?" Jared asks, nodding. It's not conceit, more of a polite conversation.
Jensen shrugs. "Not all," he tells Jared honestly. "I'm mostly busy, and I don't have a lot of time for TV. I saw you in that movie though. The one with the human trafficking? But other than that, no."
It's not a lie. The first time Jensen saw Jared act was his small but powerful role in Ten Ions Rule before Jared became a recurring character in a TV special. The last time was when Jensen caught the beginning of that show Beat Cops, before Jared became a regular in the cast. He's always been busy, and he doesn't have time to follow Jared Padalecki's career when Jensen has a life of his own.
It doesn't have anything to do with Jensen still trying to recover from his last personal encounter with Jared. Besides, it wouldn't be productive to keep watching the show where Jared is.
Still, his admission keeps the smile on Jared's face. "Yeah? And what do you usually watch?"
"History channel," Jensen says promptly, then curses when he realizes how nerdy that sounds. "Actually–"
"Oh, man, I have the steam age collection! That's definitely one of my favorites."
"Same here!" Jensen exclaims, then quickly has to fight back a tell-tale blush on his face. A few years ago, he and Jared never got this far in their conversations, and he can't help think that Jared seems different now–more confident in himself. Jared is a far cry from the tall gangly kid who shyly sat in Jensen's office every week, eager to show him his paper, but there's still the same light in his eyes whenever he talks about something that interests him.
They talk about documentaries–it turns out Jared watched all the writers' documentaries, and also goes to show that he still keeps up with reading and writing. "The best thing about being successful in my field is that I get to read a lot of great scripts early," Jared tells him. "I was an English major in college–before I moved to Hollywood. I was all set to teach kids about Kerouac and Fitzgerald if my work didn't pan out–"
"I know," Jensen interrupted, unable to help himself. "That you're a...I was an English major too."
Jared frowns when he hears Jensen's admission, but he asks instead, "What do you do?"
Jensen tells him about writing short stories and song lyrics for local bands. He also tells Jared about his two published novels. The first wasn't a big success, but the second managed to garner a cult following. "But being a song writer really helps as an alternative," he tells Jared. "It's a great alternative to publishing poems."
"Have I read anything you wrote?" Jared wonders.
The thought makes Jensen laugh, because he remembers Jared coming into his office once, gushing about the collection of poem that Jensen had submitted to one of their department's anthology collection. "Maybe. But now I mostly publish under a pseudonym–I doubt you've read anything I've ever written."
"Well," Jared says slowly, "I've only heard Danneel call you 'Jen', but you haven't actually told me your name."
Jensen pauses. Here's the most deciding factor, because Jared doesn't remember him, but he sure remembers Jared. And despite the mortifying experience of meeting a person you technically had a one night stand with years later and not being recognized, Jensen thinks he shouldn't start off a potential friendship by lying.
It still doesn't explain why, when Jensen opens his mouth, he blurts out, "I'm Dean Smith."
"So let me get this straight." Chris gulps down a mouthful of beer, then plunges on: "You told him Danneel calls you 'Jenny' because of a girl you used to date and it stuck, but your real name is Dean Smith, so now he thinks you two haven't met in your entire lives?"
"So he thinks you're straight?" Steve asks bluntly.
"I know it's a stupid idea–" Jensen starts.
Christ cuts him off with his spastic arm flailing. "Stupid idea? Son, it's going to be a disaster!"
"Come on, Padalecki didn't even recognize him," Steve protests, turning a total 180. "Jensen's not the only one stupid. No offense, man."
"None taken," Jensen replies frostily.
"Seriously, dude, you have the 'Jensen Ackles' face. He went to your office every week for a consultation, you goddamn blew him in that party that I hosted. How the hell can he not recognize you?" Steve shakes his head. "Only explanation is either he's a douche, or he didn't really care for you that time at all."
"Right, Steve, rub it in," Jensen says glumly.
"Still a douche, though," Steve points out, then lets out a squeak of pain when Chris digs an elbow into his side.
"The point is," Chris interrupts, sending Steve a death glare, "this guy isn't even based here in LA, and any chances of you striking any kind of relationship with him–friendly or otherwise–is bound to head south. Especially if you continue lying to him."
"Look, you know how these hotshot actors are," Jensen argues. "They pretend they're nice so people can squeal about how charming they are on Twitter and Facebook, but they don't really care about the little people. Not unless they think it's going to help their PR in the long run."
"Wow, that's a whole new way of looking at the world," Chris says sadly.
Steve only raises his eyebrow, leaning closer to look Jensen in the eye. "Can you honestly think that about Jared Padalecki?" he asks skeptically. "The guy you wrote poems about? The guy who made you so goddamn happy that every time he left your office, you started churning up sappy love songs like a jukebox?"
"He might have changed within three years," Jensen defends, but the answer sounds hollow to his ears.
His ears burns shamefully when Chris gives him a once-over, cocks his head, and says softly with some disappointment, "Apparently, so did you."
Jensen might have hoped, but he was still happy to see Jared in the coffee shop again a few days later. This time, though, Jared waves at him as soon as Jensen finishes greeting Danneel and placing his order.
As soon as Jensen sits across Jared, Jared tells him excitedly, "Hey, Dean! I finished a book last night!"
Jensen wonders if he didn't somehow forget that they were in a middle of an unfinished conversation. "Um...good for you?" he offers, confused.
"It's all thanks to you, actually," Jared says. His smile is wide, pleased with himself. "I haven't cracked open a book since forever, but our conversation about Mieville really got me going and I just had to. I couldn't stop reading."
"It's like riding a bike," Jensen teases.
"Kind of not," Jared admits. "I kept thinking about it in different angles–like how it would translate into script." He ducks immediately, and Jensen notes the tinge of red on his cheeks. "It's just something I've been thinking about," he mutters, half to himself.
Jensen wants to reach out and grab Jared's hand, ask Jared to tell him of his plans. He's never heard of this, not even years ago, when they mostly only talked about their field. Still, it surprises Jensen to hear that Jared's been thinking about writing. He's always thought actors generally turn away from their initial endeavors when they become successful. Granted, Jared has only been in Tinsel Town for three years, but it makes Jensen unusually happy to think that Jared hasn't left his roots behind.
Goddamn, Jensen must have forgotten to take his anti-emo pill today.
"I know some workshops for people who want to try their hand at scriptwriting adaptations," he offers instead. "If you want."
Jared visibly hesitates, and Jensen immediately moves to retract his offer, but Jared only says, "I'll...look into it. But thanks. For the offer."
It's surprising how uncertain Jared seems right now, but when Jensen moves to change the topic, a sharp ringing tone cuts through their conversation. Jared digs out his phone, glances at it, then looks at Jensen apologetically. "I have to take this."
Jensen nods, takes the time to take a huge gulp of his coffee. The coffee shop has filled over the time they started talking, but no one is particularly staring at their way. Danneel catches his gaze to give him a questioning look, which Jensen only returns with a shrug.
Finally, Jared finishes his conversation and announces, "My meeting this morning was just rescheduled. First time this month I have enough time to do something other than walk into a coffee shop!"
Jensen fights the disappointed feeling, but he can take a hint. He starts gathering his cup, phone, and iPod. "Guess I'll leave you to your free day, then," he says, giving Jared a smile.
"Wait!" Jared's hand shoots out and grabs Jensen's wrist, and Jensen jerks up in surprise. Jared has a strange expression, his eyes wide. "Look, what I meant was–I'm not from this neighborhood, so I was thinking if you can give me a tour?"
"Tour?" Jensen repeats dumbly.
"We can just walk, you can help me get to know the neighborhood better."
"You want to walk?" Jensen stares at him in amazement. "Don't you have, like, a car or something?"
Jared ducks. "My driver has a previous engagement," he mutters. "Look, it's fine if–"
"No. I mean, it's fine." Jensen gently tugs his hand back, immediately lets his fingers enclose around the wrist to feel the warmth from Jared's grip. "You should invest in a GPS, man. It'll make your life easier."
Jared's eyes dance as he stands. "Then where would the fun be?"
The first place Jensen takes him to his the bookstore where he frequently hangs out. "I can order my stuff online, but Emporium lets me look through their stuff to read the middle of the book," he explains to Jared as they make their way to the street.
"Shouldn't it be the first few pages?" Jared asks, amused.
Jensen points at him. "You don't get to judge me, okay? Misha does that enough." At Jared's puzzled look, Jensen explains hesitantly, "Uh–the shop owner. He's also kind of eccentric? He kind of pushes you into–"
"You're here!"
As soon as Jensen pushes the door open, something large, furry, and wet latches on to him with a cry. Jensen stumbles backwards, would have fallen if Jared didn't catch him from behind. Instead, the three of them stumble into some kind of heap. Jensen lets out a cry, only his mouth gets filled with coats of fuzz.
"I'm so glad you came," the furry figure says gratefully. "I need your help!"
It takes a while for Jensen to formulate an answer, which mostly consisted of him bellowing, "Misha, what the hell?!"
"Jen," the furred thing with Misha's voice says tearfully, "I am in dire need of help. Google calendar has failed me! There's a convention at the other side of town! I have to go! HELP!"
Jensen turns to Jared, hoping his expression of see what I have to deal with? will tell all. "Uh...Misha, this is Jared–"
"I just need help running the store," Misha weeps, totally ignoring him. "Just for a few hours. My cosplay group needs me. You understand, right? Like that time when you went to that Star Trek convention you absolutely had to go to?"
"I–" Jensen tries not to send Jared a panicked look. Oh god, Jared will think all of Jensen's friends are insane–which is kind of true–and Jensen in association, and he won't show up in the coffee shop again, or maybe he will and Jensen will have to ask Danneel to deliver his coffee to his house personally, which will make her pissy and will totally ruin their friendship–
"That Chewbacca costume is a classic, man," Jared butts in Jensen's thought-process. "You might want to wipe it up though, if you're going to the convention. You're, uh...dripping."
Misha raises his furry head, his face peeking out of Chewbacca's mouth. "You're new," he declares, giving Jared a slow once-over. "And kind of cute, too."
"Misha!" Jensen warns.
"And very, very correct in asserting that this Chewbacca costume is, indeed, a 'classic'," Misha goes on. He turns his entire focus on Jared, who, to his credit, looks absolutely cool about it. "So you two will help me?"
"I don't think Jared–"
"Sure!" Jared says quickly. "Bookstore, free reign–could be fun, right?"
"You have no idea what you're getting us into!" Jensen hisses as he pushes Misha away.
Misha launches into Jared, wrapping him into a hug. This time, Jared looks freaked out. "Thank you, thank you! If you're dating Mr. Dean Smith, please know that he is a well-rounded individual, who hates helping his friends out but ends up doing it anyway, and he likes dogs. Also, he hasn't had sex for about a year now."
"MISHA!" Jensen screams.
"I'm leaving!" Misha is out the door with a jaunty wave, his Chewbacca costume making soppy footprints on the floor. "Jen, Tom's coming over later to drop off some of Mr. Gough's comics, and I'm in the middle of arranging Mrs. Smith's cookbooks. You might want to finish that. I owe you man–both of you! Later!"
"Grab a fucking towel, Jesus!" Jensen yells after him before he slams the door close. When he whirls around, he sees Jared standing so close to him that Jensen has to sidestep him so he won't crash into Jared's chest. "Uh. So, yeah. Misha owns this place, and he's kind of crazy. He has a cosplay group where they pretend to be other people all the time in conventions." Jared only grins at him, which makes Jensen stutter more, "Feel free...you know. Look around. Get a feel of the place. I'll just...put some books away."
But instead of walking around the aisles as Jensen expects, Jared follows Jensen to the counter. "I thought only Danneel gets to call you 'Jenny'," Jared says.
Jensen freezes, but quickly wills himself to relax. "Um–yeah, they all think it's one big joke."
"Was the break-up bad?" Jared asks sympathetically.
Jensen blinks. "What break-up?"
"With your girlfriend? Jenny?" Jared asks, scratching his head. "You must have been very close. If they call you by your girlfriend's name?"
"It's um." Jensen wants to bang his head on the desk–it sounds like the stupidest lie, and even Jared looks like he doesn't believe it. Still, if appearances have to be kept... "It was cool...she was...Actually, I'm gay."
Jared is silent for a while, then clarifies, "So 'Jenny' was a guy?"
Jensen shrugs.
There's another awkward pause in the conversation, until Jensen ventures quietly, "Is that going to be a problem?"
"No," Jared says quickly, then grins. "I knew a guy who's name was kind of like that too. He would've hated being called 'Jenny'. He was also kind of hot."
Jensen looks away quickly, because what are the odds that Jared knows someone else who has the same name? His name is usual enough if it was a last name, but he's never met anyone else with the same first name. Kind of hot, he reminds himself, is not the same as actually hot.
But the hopeful feeling that blossoms in Jensen's heart doesn't go away. To quell it, he checks if he can still remember the register code from when he helped out in the shop, then turns to Jared. "Okay, since you got us into this mess, you'd better be helping me. Reshelving books in the children's corner is your first priority. You should have taken a basic library science class–go put it into use!"
"Yessir!" Jared salutes, then stops. "How did you know I took up some Library Science classes?"
Jensen pauses, privately freaking. He remembers that it was a younger Jared telling him about his library science classes, but he's sure this Jared has never mentioned it. He busies himself on the counter, hoping the trembling in his hands aren't obvious. "Y-you said you were an English major right? It's a likely elective," he says, not lifting his gaze.
Jared is silent for a few seconds, before he bursts out laughing. "The things you find out through IMDB these days," he says, and shakes his head before going to the children's section.
Jensen heaves a sigh, then turns to a customer who comes up to the counter. "How may I help you?" he asks politely.
Crisis averted.
"I like him," Misha declares days later in the bar where they all meet. "Are you going to keep this one?"
"If he gets to keep Jared Padalecki, I will die. Just die," Danneel announces. "It will be a nice death, though. Jensen, please keep Jared Padalecki."
Misha frowns. "That guy was Jared Padalecki? I thought you were lying!"
"I wasn't!"
"He's taller in actual life. Like–a fucking giant. Jared Padalecki is half-giant?"
"Maybe, and no, no one is keeping anything, much less a Jared Padalecki," Jensen tells him, removing Misha's hands over his arm.
"After they closed the shop, they came back to the coffee shop," Danneel informs the entire table. "They flirted over their coffee. Jensen was even doing that little blowing-over-his-coffee routine."
"My what?!"
"You know, the one where you purse your lips like so–" Misha puckers his lips, then sticks out his tongue obscenely. "–and blow on your coffee, so your dates start panting after you?"
"I do not do that!" Jensen exclaims, mortified.
"You so do!" Chris cracks up. "Remember Michael? He was practically ready to jump you, coffee shop or not!"
"What?!"
"Was Jared panting ala-Michael?" Chris asks Danneel.
Danneel nods. "Yup, no tongue though. That would be gross."
"Aww."
"But Jared Padalecki looks like a puppy, right?" Misha offers. "It wouldn't be lewd."
"Oh, god." Jensen puts his face in his hands. "Seriously, guys, I am ashamed. You shame me. My fucking friends and their shameful conversations."
"Does he still think you're 'Dean Smith'?" Steve puts in quietly.
Jensen freezes, and Misha frowns. "But he is Dean Smith," he says, confused.
"Jared thinks Jensen here is actually named 'Dean Smith'," Steve supplies. "He doesn't know Jensen's real name."
Misha frowns, turning to Jensen. "Is he a crazy stalker?" he asks. "Like, he thinks you're Dean Smith? What're the odds he'll go Misery on you?"
"He doesn't know that's just my pseudonym," Jensen tells him. When he catches Steve's disappointed expression, he snaps, "Look, it's the least of my problems. Jared doesn't know I'm the guy who...you know...him when he was in college, and none of you are going to volunteer the information."
"What does he mean by 'you know'?" Misha stage-whispers to Danneel.
"Blowjob," Danneel provides, also in stage-whisper. Misha's eyes widen and his mouth forms an O.
"Come on, it's not a big deal," Jensen says desperately. "He might be...nicer than I thought, but I'm not looking into dating him. Seriously. He's just a guy."
"You're thinking of dating again?" Jared asks, suddenly popping up from behind Jensen. "Who's the lucky guy?"
"No one," Jensen says quickly, while Misha pipes up, "His name is Dean Smith!"
"Yes," Jensen says loudly, standing up. "Yes, that is my name. Jared, these are my friends–Chris, Steve, and you know Misha and Danneel."
Jared shakes hands with everyone, but he pauses at Steve's face. "You look familiar," he mentions, cocking his head. "Have we met before?"
Too late, Jensen remembers that Steve and Chris were in the same university as Jensen and Jared years ago. He gestures behind Jared, but Steve only smiles. "Chris and I are in a band, do a lot of tours. You might have seen one of our shows."
"Maybe," Jared says doubtfully, but he lets it go.
Jensen sends Steve a grateful look, which Steve returns with a pointed, You owe me, bitch.
"So, Jared, is this your new favorite neighborhood?" Chris asks. "I would think Beat Cops would film in a more gritty area."
"Actually, I just moved in nearby," Jared tells them. "Most of the filming is done in-studio or in nearby locations, so I thought I might as well move out of my apartment and buy myself a house. I'm a big boy now, right? Least, that's what my momma's saying."
Jensen tries not to let the words big boy affect him so much. "Guess you need something different from all the network parties," he offers.
Jared only smiles at him. "My manager makes me go to all of them, but I'm not into all that these days. I've done my share of partying when I was in college, and I didn't like them at all. Everything's so confusing and loud, and sometimes people get so strange."
"Oh." And that's all Jensen can manage–because, Jesus, is that how Jared really saw college parties? No wonder he got freaked out when Jensen jumped him in that stupid frat party.
Danneel gives him a knowing look, then starts talking about her shift today, which gathers all the attention.
Jensen excuses himself to get the next round. He takes his time, thinking about what Jared just mentioned. Despite what he's been saying, Jensen realizes he still isn't over what happened years ago. But what's more silly is that he likes Jared now, finds that he wants to get to know the man he is now instead of thinking about Jared in the past. Sure, that guy was cute, but Jensen probably never stood a chance.
Which doesn't mean Jensen has a chance now. The only problem is, if he wants to keep Jared in his life, he has to come clean about who he is.
Resolved, he turns around, ready to march up to Jared to tell him the truth.
Except Jared is standing right behind him. Jensen throws up his hands, landing on Jared's chest so he won't crash into the man. "Jared," he exclaims. "You okay?"
"Your friends are weird, man," Jared tells him, grinning. "I think Misha just tried to lick me. Before he started licking Chris."
You're plenty lickable, Jensen thinks, but some of it must be showing in his eyes because Jared's eyes darken in turn, and he steps closer.
"Listen," Jared says, "I was thinking...if you'd like to go out sometime?"
His voice ends with a low tone, so it takes a while for Jensen to realize the question. Finally, just as Jared's look turns frantic, he sputters, "Wait. Are you...are you asking me out?"
Jared scratches his head, looking unusually shy. Which Jensen finds intriguingly adorable, seeing as Jared is some six-foot-something who looks like he can lift Jensen with just an arm. "I...yeah. Actually. Unless you're already dating some guy, and, yeah. But Misha mentioned you weren't dating anyone, and Danneel told me to go for it, and Chris is kind of meh about it. I'm kind of worried about Steve though, he didn't say anything the entire time–"
"I do!" Jensen interrupts. It makes him giddily happy to realize that Jared is nervous enough to be reduced to babbling. "I mean, I'd love to go. Is this...this is a date, right?" Because he has to be absolutely sure.
"Yeah. Yeah, it's a date," Jared replies firmly, nodding. "This Saturday? I'll pick you up."
"Saturday's good." Jensen nods.
They stare at each other for a while before Jared spreads his arms, grinning. "Well, it's a date then."
They make their way back to the tables where Chris complains, "You were gone so long, the drinks got here before you two did."
"Which is a miracle in itself," Misha puts in. "Amen!"
Jensen meets Danneel's gaze and catches himself grinning foolishly. Danneel only shakes her head, but there's a smile on her face.
When they're seated, Jensen notices that Jared sits closer, his thigh pressing against Jensen's. And when Jared's hand lands on Jensen's knee, stroking it slowly, Jensen can't help but shift on his seat, a little uncomfortable at the growing arousal, but never even considering telling Jared to stop.
He has to play this right, though, because Jensen has a feeling that when Jared finds out, Jensen's ego might take a beating of a lifetime...but if he's not careful, Jensen's heart will be the one that might get all the damage.
By Saturday, Jensen has managed to dodge Steve's disapproving lectures, Misha's pleas to help him run his shop, and Danneel's threats of body harm if Jensen doesn't manage to get laid tonight. Which Jensen doesn't have any intention of getting. Unless Jared is willing, then Jensen is so very willing to get. Anticipating the weekend was hard, and Jensen managed to drown himself in work, finishing off a short story and jotting down a few lines for a song or two. On the upside, inspiration has never hit him as hard before, and his editor's email is all praise for once–that is, until she finds all the grammar errors in his fiction.
When Saturday rolls over, Jensen waits for Jared tersely. Jared told him that the party is casual, but now Jensen is beginning to think he should have listened to Danneel when she said he should buy a new shirt.
The doorbell rings. Too late, he thinks, throws the door open.
"Hi," Jared says easily. He's dressed in a casual button-down shirt that showcases his thick arms and slim hips. Jensen kept his gaze above the waist, but the view so far is intoxicating.
When he finally tears his face away, he realizes that Jared has a far too amused look on his face, and that he's still standing on the hallway. "Come in," he says, blushing, then suddenly remembers that there are some pictures of himself during college years in his living room. Quickly, he pushes Jared into the hallway, babbling, "No, wait, on second thought, just stay there. Place is a mess, I just need my wallet. Just...just a sec!"
"But–"
Jensen closes the door into Jared's face, yelling, "Just wait, okay?!" He wants to kick himself for being so careless, and thinks that now may be the best time to tell Jared about his deceit.
But he'll wait until after the date. Sprinting towards the hallway, he finds Jared looking bewildered at the door. "Okay, let's go!" he tells Jared brightly.
"You..." But Jared only shakes his head before his familiarly brilliant smile comes out. "Okay, let's go."
They get into Jared's car. Jensen teases, "What kind of hotshot actor doesn't pick up his date in a limousine?"
"Someone who actually likes driving," Jared says wryly, making Jensen laugh.
The conversation in the car is easy enough, and carries well throughout dinner in a restaurant that Jensen chose. They talk about their favorite books, both agreeing that Misha's stock is well-thought of. Jensen tells Jared about the poetry readings he sometimes goes to, and Jared tells him about his dogs.
Jensen lets Jared know he's from Richardson, Texas, which makes Jared exclaim that–surprise, he is too! Then they start talking about their families, some of which Jensen dodges. He remembers mentioning he has a brother when he was in college, but he can't remember if he ever mentioned his sister. It doesn't matter though, because as soon as Jared gets to talk about his family, he gets set off like a firecracker. Apparently, Jared was the troublemaker in their family, and he always gets blamed for everything, even when Jared's sister is the actual culprit.
Finally, as the evening dies down, Jensen asks curiously, "Did you always want to become an actor?"
Jared looks surprised at the question, then laughs. "That seriously sounded like it came from a pap!" he crows.
Jensen flushes, cursing himself when he realizes how his words have failed him now. "It's just...you must've had other plans when you went to college. Or was being an actor part of it?"
"Hmm." Jared looks thoughtful before he answers, "I like acting. I was in theater when I was in high school and college, mostly doing different things from acting, writing, directing–those stuff. But I never took it seriously until someone came up to me and asked if I wanted to try my hand at LA. I was having some personal problems during that year, so I thought–hey, what the hell, right? So I told my parents. My momma was worried about it, but my dad thought it might be a good idea to take a year off, get the blues of out of my system. So my best friend and I packed up our stuff, went to LA. I landed some small roles that helped me get by, but I got a small role in that movie."
"I watched that movie," Jensen says softly. "They always said if you had a longer role, you might have won Best Supporting Actor."
Jared grins. "In many ways, I was lucky. I worked as a barista in a coffee shop in LA. Before I knew it, I was doing some other movies, a little TV, before I got regularized for Beat Cops as that doe-eyed believer who still hopes for better tomorrows in that Texan town."
"You look like you enjoy your role," Jensen observes.
Jared nods, and there's a small smile on his face even as his eyes shift, staring at something that may be long gone. He says softly, "Someone once told me that it's pretty cool when you can be somewhere else, sometime else, and best of all, get to be someone else, all at once. I think acting it all out–what comes out of writing, is one of the most exhilarating jobs I've ever done."
Jensen swallows hard, looks down to his plate and wishing his face isn't red.
Because it's a conversation he remembers distinctly. Sitting in the small office with shelves of musty books, Jared's paper in his hands with Jared himself sitting across his desk. Outside, the university lampposts flicker with uncertainty as the sun casts a reddish glow that filters through the window, bouncing on Jared's hair. Jared had asked him eagerly, "Why did you want to become a writer?"
And Jensen said, "Because I can be somewhere else, sometime else. And best of all, I get to be someone else, all at once. It's pretty cool."
Jared had reached out hesitantly, stroking Jensen's hand over the desk. They trembled until Jared pulls away. "I think I like it when you're being Jensen, though," Jared had said with that grin on his face.
Then and there, Jensen thought he gained power. With Jared's confidence in him, Jensen knew he can also start gaining confidence in himself. He could breathe his own persona into those characters, but he can also let those characters live their own lives without losing himself into the fictitious world.
Now, though, Jared sits across him, slowly regaining that private smile, reminiscent of that Jared years ago. He asks, "So tell me, Dean Smith, why did you want to become a writer?"
The echo of that familiar question brings Jensen back to the present. He gives Jared a weak smile, shrugging. "I guess I liked to pretend to be someone I'm not," he says, ashamed.
"That sounds pretty lonely, though," Jared mentions, frowning.
Jensen pushes his plate away and sighs. "It kind of does," he admits, and quickly changes the topic.
They play the "had a nice time" routine, but Jensen doesn't expect anything out of it–considering Jared had previously told them that he's not a real fan of moving too fast. Keeping this in mind, Jensen instead thanks Jared for the wonderful time, then presses a kiss on his lips.
Only Jared opens his mouth over his and tilts his head just so, that Jensen ends up throwing his arms around Jared's neck while Jared puts his hands on Jensen's waist. Jensen is only briefly aware of slamming his back against the door and his head knocking into his apartment number label before he succumbs once more to Jared's kiss.
When Jared sucks at Jensen's lower lip, Jensen has to let out a moan, banging his head back. The lips trail over his chin, down his throat before sucking on a pressure point that makes Jensen gasp and thrust his hip forward, only to brush against Jared's. They both moan at the contact, and with a fistful of Jared's hair in his hand, Jensen pulls him back up and returns the kiss with fervor.
The loud bang at the end of the hallway distracts them, and Jared pulls away, his eyes dancing wildly. Spikes of his hair stick up strangely, especially where Jensen pulled, and his mouth is kiss-bruised.
"Wow," Jared says, running a hand through his hair and completely ruining the already messy locks. He still looks shocked and awed. "I...wow."
"D'you wanna come inside?" Jensen asks cautiously, his voice hoarse.
Jared's eyes flash, making Jensen sway forward, but Jared immediately catches his arms before he can surge up and meet Jared's lips again. "No," he says firmly and loudly. "Let's take this slow, okay? We're not–I'm not Hollywood type. I can wait."
I can't! Jensen wants to scream, but he really, really wants Jared to like him, and goddammit, Jensen has lived with his right hand for years. If he can just remember why he has to do that when he can get Jared to do that, then he'll be fine.
So he clears his throat, says, "Y-yeah, I can mmph–!"
Jared grabs him, folds him into a kiss again before he leans closer, mouth against Jensen's ear.
"Let me take you out again," he asks, voice low against Jensen's ear as his hands press lower, teasing Jensen's belly. It makes Jensen's dick twitch inside his jeans that he almost grinds up into the hands. "Say yes, Dean, I want to take you out. Then maybe we can come back. Fool around. Fuck." His words are hissed.
"Yes," Jensen whimpers, unashamed at the way the words make his knees knock together. And then reality crashes over him and he pulls away–sprawled over the door as he tries to keep his bearings. He invited Jared in and Jared almost accepted. "Jared."
Jared takes a step back, then another, but his grin his wild and unrestrained–hungry. He looks like he's having a ball. "Okay, yeah. That's enough for tonight," he says, resolutely keeping his eyes away from Jensen. "There's this thing. Tomorrow night. My manager is making me go to a network party. There'll be lots of producers. Directors. Writers. Actors."
Jensen swallows. "Yeah, okay," he says cautiously.
"I want to take you." Jared scratches his head, scuffs his toe. He doesn't meet Jensen's eyes, but his hands are twitching as if he's holding himself back from reaching out. "My friends will be there, and I thought–I've met your friends, so–"
"Yeah, I...yeah." Jensen swallows. "Tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow. I'll pick you up again? Wear something nice." Jared's gaze traces Jensen from his head to toe, lingering on his tented jeans and his full lips.
But he must've regained some senses because Jared finally nods and says, "I'll see you. Thanks for tonight, Dean."
"'Night," Jensen calls back, part of his heart breaking when he hears the name Jared utters.
When he enters his apartment, he goes directly to that picture of his in college: a college party in Tom and Mike's house where Jensen had previously lived. It was one of those rare times when Jensen ventured downstairs during their party, and he looked unaware and decaffeinated when the photo was shot.
The background of the faded photo still manages to show a visible Jared Padalecki enjoying himself.
When Jensen peers out into the driveway to look for Jared, he bursts out laughing.
Jared puts his hands on his hips and glares at him as soon as Jensen hits the lower ground, still laughing. But his eyes are twinkling, and he leans on the limousine, crossing his arms as he waits for Jensen to come down or die laughing, whichever comes first.
"My prom date actually splurged on the ride," Jensen teases as he draws closer. "Shouldn't I be getting a corsage right about now?"
"It's network-sponsored," Jared admits sheepishly, but he laughs. "Good thing they did because I wondered what kind of hotshot actor picks his date up without a limousine. You should be impressed!"
Jensen presses a kiss, lands at the side of his mouth. He runs a hand over Jared's chest, stroking Jared's arm as he pulls away. "I'm impressed," he whispers, making it clear it's not the only thing he's impressed with.
Jared swallows. "Good. Let's...yeah." He waves at the driver–a large, buff man who is decidedly looking elsewhere–and they get in.
As soon as the door closes, Jared tugs him closer until Jensen is practically sitting on his lap, and gives him a proper kiss–hand cupping Jensen's face, an arm around his waist to draw him closer. They make out for a while, soft and unhurried until Jensen slowly pulls away, eyes closed and a small smile tugging at his lips. "That was nice," he says faintly.
"I know you might think this is too soon," Jared confesses. "I usually wait a few days before I ask someone out again, but last night was..." He trails off, clears his throat. "Last night was good. Even if it didn't end the way I actually wanted." His eyes are dark as he says it.
"We can change that." Jensen shifts closer. His mind is short-circuiting at the way Jared strokes his back, and he keeps thinking, I'm not that nerdy guy Jared knew in college. Who the fuck am I? Because it's all good, and Jensen can see that Jared is seriously into this.
Jared's eyes lower to gaze at his mouth, but he seemingly shakes his head and draws away. "Got to get through this night first," he groans. "So, listen, the network party doesn't only have the cast from my show. All of my friends in the network know I'm dating someone non-business–someone who's not in the show business–so, you know, they can be kind of crazy, too."
"Ah." Jensen starts getting nervous. "Do I have to remember something? Anything?"
"Just be yourself." Jared kisses him, then frowns. "Well, okay, my manager is kind of crazy and stuff, and he has no brain-mouth filter. And his brain is a very scary place to be, so...I try not to go there."
"He's not some sleazy guy threatening to blackmail you, right?"
"Nah. He's also my best friend, so I lucked out–he's a cool guy. He's also scarily good at his job–he handles other people, not only me, but he's kind of honest about what he thinks? It's helped him a lot doing his job in LA. He flew in today, and we're going to meet with some of the producers later." Jared grins. "But don't worry, I won't leave you alone. Got to protect you from the sleazy underworld of Hollywood."
"My hero." Jensen laughs.
The limousine drops them off at a ritzy hotel, which makes Jensen nervous. He recognizes some of the actors and directors, some of them from Jared's show, but mostly Jensen only know in passing by reading the newspaper every day.
Jared introduces him to some of the members of the cast, around three of them already gathered by a table. "Hey, guys," he greets once they're within earshot. "This is Dean. Dean, these are my friends: Malik, Genevieve, Katie. Vin Diesel's around here somewhere..."
"Saw some pretty boy dressed in a pretty dress, and you know how Diesel gets," the brunette mentions. "Hi, I'm Genevieve."
"Hi," Jensen says, shaking her hand. He doesn't recognize Genevieve from the show, but he supposes she might be one of the characters he missed.
Genevieve must have read his mind; she smirks and says, "I'm one of the writers. Apparently, writers can go to one of these parties. Lucky me, huh?"
"That's because you're dating one of the producers," the other girl–who must be Katie–puts in. "Jared, he doesn't watch the show?"
"Not a lot," Jensen admits. "I'm one of those people who can't keep up with TV unless it's the History channel or the news."
"I like him already," Malik approves. "Grab some drinks, Dean. Jared can't stop talking about you. Every break from filming, he keeps telling us about this guy he met in the neighborhood he moved into."
"I do not!" Jared protests, blushing. "At least, not every break. Do I?"
Jensen grins at his embarrassed look. "I don't mind, but I think your friends do," he tells him.
"So, Dean," Genevieve says, leaning forward, "you say you write?"
"Poetry, songs, some short stories," Jensen says. Her piercing eyes make him want to squirm, but he forces himself to relax in Jared's arms. "I've published some books, but I make more profit from song-writing."
"Wait, Dean, as in Dean Smith?" Genevieve's eyes lighten and she leans forward excitedly. "Are you Dean Smith?"
Alarmed, Jensen turns to Jared, who's frowning, and Jensen shrugs.
Genevieve squeals. "I love your work! I read Lamentations of Hay Garden last year when it came out, I thought it was brilliant. Genuinely horrifying shit. Fucking awesome writing. Can I have your autograph?"
"Uh..." Jensen looks at Jared helplessly. "M-maybe–"
"Genevieve," Jared warns.
"Girl, remember what we talked about?" Katie teases, laying a hand on Genevieve's arm. "No fangirling in parties."
"I thought that only applies to fangirling actors and directors?" Malik wonders.
Genevieve pouts, but she points at Jensen. "Later, man, maybe I can talk to you? I want to pick that brains of yours apart. Blood, gore, everything."
"Thank you for that fairly graphic description that I will carry in my head," Jared groans. "Quick, Katie, change the topic!"
"Did anyone get the name of the boy Diesel was chasing after?" Katie asks obediently.
Despite the surprise fangirl, Jensen manages to relax. He and Genevieve hit it off, and before long everyone starts discussing horror films. Genevieve has apparently worked for some science fiction scripts a few years back, but found herself getting drawn to cop shows. "It has real-life horror," she tells Jensen, who nods.
Later, Jared excuses both of them, and the group breaks up so they can mingle.
"I thought you use a pseudonym when you publish your works," Jared asks Jensen in a low tone.
Jensen nods. "Yeah, I do."
"But you publish under Dean Smith?" Jared asks. "Do you mean that's your pseudonym?"
Jensen's heart starts to pound. He starts to reply, but he's interrupted by one of the directors from Jared's show, who quickly strikes up a conversation about the upcoming Christmas hiatus. Apparently, Jensen learns, Jared is in her Christmas cards list–not an easy list to get into.
More and more people come up to them, and Jensen learns that, despite the reputation of the industry, everyone genuinely likes Jared. They heap praise for Jared's enthusiasm, and how he always takes the time to get to know even the lowliest writer, down to the PA who organizes his meetings. Jared only blushes, but he grins to show how proud he is of the people he worked with. So far, it's shaping up to be a great night.
Of course, it probably isn't going to last.
Jared catches the eye of someone by the bar, and he whispers to Jensen, "C'mon, I'm going to introduce you to my manager."
"Your best friend who has no brain-mouth filter?"
"That's the one!" Jared says cheerfully, and they near a blond guy, who squints as they approach. Jensen feels his heart starting to pound, and he tries to pull away. "Jared, Jared, I don't think–"
But it's too late. Jared puts his arm around Jensen, and makes him face the guy. "Hey, Dean, this is my manager, Chad Murray. Chad, this is–"
"Jensen! Jensen Ackles!" Chad interrupts, shooting Jared a questioning glance. "What a cool coincidence!" The tone in his voice is anything but, and there is confusion in his eyes.
Jensen is frozen in his spot, and he can see how Jared starts to connect the dots. "But your name is Dean Smith," he says slowly.
"No, he's Jensen Ackles," Chad puts in, bewildered. "I'd recognize those cock-sucking lips everywhere!"
Jesus Christ, the man is clearly insane, and Jensen should have known that when Jared said he went to LA with his best friend and that his manager is his best friend, they would be one and the same. He never counted on ever seeing Chad again.
"Nice to meet you, Chad," Jensen manages to say faintly.
"Hey, Jen, did you ever manage to get the beer stain out of the ceiling? Also, I still say it was all Mike's fault. I was even using a cup like you demanded!"
"Chad, can you excuse us for a minute? Jensen and I need to talk," Jared says tightly.
Chad blinks. "But Sravejo is asking about you, man. I got the itinerary for that summer project you wanted–"
"Chad," Jared barks, and Jensen jerks in his grip. "Just a minute. Please."
Chad holds up his hands. "Okay, but Sravejo waits for no actor, you know that! Nice meeting you again, Jensen. Do you still talk to Chris and Steve?"
"Chad!"
"Later, dudes!" Chad walks away with a jaunty wave.
They stand there awkwardly for a moment, not looking at each other. But Jensen can feel Jared's hold on his wrist tighten, more and more until Jensen can't help wincing. At the sound of his voice, Jared immediately drops his hold. His voice shakes with anger, saying, "What the fuck. Seriously, Dean. What the fuck?!"
"I was going to tell you," Jensen says quietly, then he realizes they're still in the middle of a party, with some people including journalists and photographers looking at them curiously. "Jared, please, let's do this privately."
Jared looks around, and some of the anger in his eyes fades. He nods, and he leads them through a series of rooms until they find themselves in an empty function hall.
As soon as Jensen closes the door, Jared starts pacing, running a hand through his hair. "Jesus, was this some kind of joke to you? A trick? Jesus, I fucking believed–" He stops.
"Jared," Jensen begs, trying to grab his hand, but Jared only draws away. "There's no–I wasn't trying to do anything. And I wanted to tell you so many times–"
"Then why didn't you?!" Jared explodes.
"Everything was going so well, and I didn't even plan for this charade to go on for so long." At Jared's stormy glare, Jensen spreads his arms. "Did you think it was actually fun for me?!"
"I don't know, Jensen, you tell me!"
"You didn't even remember who I am!" Jensen shouts. "You waltzed in that goddamn coffee shop and looked at me like I'm some new person you just met on the street–"
"You were just some person I met on the street!"
"I fucking blew you in a college party!" Jensen yells. "I spent half a year pining after you and then after I finally get to be with you, you run off to fucking LA!"
"So you came here to humiliate me?" Jared asks incredulously. "Is this why you're here?!"
"Grow up, Jared, it's not all about you," Jensen snaps, then sighs. "Look, obviously you didn't want me then...and that's cool, it's fine. I got over it eventually. Even helped me gain perspective and shit. And now I'm doing great–I was doing great."
"Yeah, until I came along and made you in a serial liar," Jared says bitterly.
Jensen shakes his head, turning away. Jared looks angry, but mostly he just look sad, and that's how Jensen is feeling at the moment.
"Jared–" Jensen tries to reach out, then tries not to feel hurt at the way Jared twitches away from him. "Okay. Look, I've had three years, and now I just want to apologize if I made you feel violated in any way years ago. I'm sorry I lied to you this time. It's my fault, and I obviously didn't think this through enough. I know it's not...it's not enough, and no amount of apologies are going to make it alright."
Then he takes a deep breath and looks down at his shoes. "I just thought...you know how you make up stories and you wish with everything that you have that you're everywhere but here? Man, that time three years ago, that's what I wanted, the kind of stories I made. And you know what? You ended up liking that guy Dean Smith–the one who wrote those stories, the one who ended up being happy with the dregs of Jensen Ackles' mistakes. So yeah, I didn't want you to know about my name and who I am during your past. But that's all there is. Everything else–this is me now, Jared. I'm sorry–I'm really fucking sorry for what I did. And that it's enough reason why you can't even like me now."
"Jensen," Jared says.
Jensen nods and looks away. "I'll take a cab," he announces. Jared calls him again, but Jensen is already slipping out of the room, through the throng of people, and down the elevator.
Jensen doesn't write for three days.
It's like that time three years ago–worrying if he overstepped some boundary with Jared, wondering if Jared will return the calls Jensen made to his dorm room. He sleeps a lot, gets up, diligently refuses to turn on the TV, and spends hours staring at his computer's blank screen.
After the third day, he starts writing: words flow into song lyrics, into poetry, into some kind of drama in his journal. His editor calls to tell him that he doesn't have to send anything in, since he has no overdue from that time he was overflowing with inspiration on–
Well, anyway, two songs are written in the span of two days, and just as Jensen has finished jotting down the lines of another poem, the doorbell rings.
Jensen takes his time opening it. The first few days, he was hoping Jared might call him, or even visit him, but there hadn't been anything. After some time, he realized that Jared probably thought this through and probably realized Jensen's not worth the trouble anyway.
So maybe he isn't expecting it's Jared when he opens, the door, but his heart still breaks a little when he sees it's Steve and Danneel.
"Hey," he says dully, throwing the door open to let them in.
Once inside, Danneel gives him a hug, then presses a warm mug into his hands. "Coffee, made by yours truly." She stares at his eyes. "Shit, he really did a number on you, didn't he?"
"You should see how he looks like," Jensen jokes, but it only falls flat.
"So," Steve says, "Danneel says the best thing to do is to eat ice-cream and watch extremely violent movies, but Chris and I vetoed it, considering that a) I don't secretly have a vagina, and b) I want–"
"–the chance to say 'I told you so', I know," Jensen finishes.
Steve's eyes soften, and he shoulder checks Jensen as they shuffle into the living room where Jensen has been camping out. "Not that," he admonishes. "Although, yeah, you knew it was gonna happen, but the guy was also a prick. I never liked him."
"Yes, you did!" Danneel exclaims. "You said he was alright. You said he was funny!"
"I also said he was a cool kid three years ago, and he still broke Jensen's heart then," Steve points out. He turns to Jensen, his voice turning gentle. "So he hasn't called."
Jensen shakes his head, laughing deprecatingly. "I guess I was the only one emotionally invested in all of this."
Steve and Danneel wince.
"Still, I understand," Jensen goes on. "I mean–LA, man! What're the odds of meeting the guy rejected there, much less have him play you–"
"You didn't play him–"
"Yeah, I did," Jensen interrupts, slouching on the couch. "I mean, he never really liked Jensen Ackles, even before. Why would he even want Dean Smith? Especially when he learns he's actually Jensen Ackles."
Danneel grabs his hand and squeezes it tight. "Sweetie, if he never wanted you, it's his loss. You're cool and amazing, whoever you are. And I can honestly say that even if I didn't know you three years ago, I would date you. If you had a vagina."
"Thanks," Jensen says, and is surprised to find that he means it.
They sit silently for a while, until Steve leans forward and announces brightly, "So, you have any ice-cream in your freezer?"
Jensen laughs, feels like he's about to cry. "Yeah. Yeah, there's still one left."
Steve leaves at around early evening, saying he has a gig that night. Jensen and Danneel cook dinner, talking about Jensen's new songs, the old woman customer in the coffee shop who tells Danneel she needs an extra shot every morning ever since her daughter came by to visit, and Misha's latest book acquisitions. Danneel doesn't mention Jared again, although she does let drop that Jared has visited the shop once to buy coffee and Danneel had made someone else serve him.
When Danneel finally leaves, Jensen heaves a sigh and goes back to his computer, determined to at least make a blog entry when the doorbell rings again. He looks at the corner of the room, realizes that Danneel has left her jacket, and sighs as he opens the door.
"I swear, you're going to freeze the next time–" And he stops because there's Jared, standing in his hall, looking sheepish.
They stare at each other silently until Jared clears his throat. "Hey."
"Hey." Jensen stares at him.
Jared nods, peering over his shoulder. "Can I...?" He indicates to the door, and Jensen throws it open so he can follow.
Once they enter the living room, Jensen notices how Jared regards the photographs on the walls and on his desk. He crosses his arms and lets Jared–of course, he would want to know what he missed. But it still feels a bit like being cross-sectioned, and Jensen is quick to slip into a defensive mode.
Finally, Jared shakes his head, laughing softly. "I don't know how I missed it."
Jensen has been expecting this. "Got rid of the glasses, cut my hair and let it bleach with the sun, and got more freckles. I worked out, enough that I filled out. I got a little taller, although I won't ever be as big as a Sasquatch like you. Also, I started wearing shirts instead of those goddamn button-downs."
Jared stares at him, then at the photos again. "You talk differently, too," he mentions.
"I lost my accent, but not all of it," Jensen says dismissively. "It's not a big deal."
"If you talked the way you did before, I think I might have known," Jared tells him. "Or at least figured out that something was up."
Jensen gives him a weak smile. "I'll make sure to remember that," he intones.
Jared visibly hesitates, then says, "I got a call from Chris. Actually, Chris called Mike, who called Chad, who told me that I'm a dick."
"So everyone knows about this?" Jensen gawks.
"Just Mike, and I'm trying to apologize here, so hush." Jared starts pacing, the same way he did just a few nights before. "So yeah, they think I'm a dick, and even Chad thinks I'm a dick, so I guess it's kind of a consensus."
"Chad also thinks Istanbul is just another name for Indonesia," Jensen reminds him awkwardly.
It feels weird saying that because it's something Chad told Jensen when Mike first introduced Chad to them. Jensen had been charmed–that is, he quickly escaped to his room with a blatant lie and started avoiding Chad like a plague. Saying it now, though, makes it feel like those two worlds are colliding too fast for them to keep up.
Jared looks like he's having the same epiphany, and there's another awkward moment between them before Jared goes on, "So it got me thinking, how did I even miss you're Jensen Ackles, when you're the reason I moved to LA in the first place?"
"Oh." What else is there to say about that? Jensen had entertained the thought, but he's managed to convince himself not to be that narcissistic. But now, that Jared is actually admitting it... "You moved because you wanted to, Jared, don't pin that on me."
"What? Wait, no, you don't understand. I told you..." Jared sighs. "I told you I was having personal problems that year, right?" At Jensen's nod, Jared goes on, "I had a girlfriend."
"FUck," Jensen spits out and spins around, ready to grab a drink.
But Jared grabs his hand, pulls him back. "No listen, I had a girlfriend that time. She was smart, sweet, and pretty much everything to me. And then I met Jensen Ackles–you–and you were amazing and shy and so goddamn hot, and you liked hanging out with me even when I asked the stupidest questions just so I can go to your office every week. Sandy and I were already having problems before I met you, and then I just...I realized..." He stops, looks away.
Jensen starts stroking Jared's wrist, willing him to continue. "You realized," he prompts.
"I was so fucking into you," Jared says softly. "When Sandy and I broke up, she told me she hopes that everything goes well for me, because many places in Texas still don't accept gay men as well. And I am. Gay. I maybe freaked out a little bit."
"Shit," Jensen swears. "Did she..."
Jared shakes his head. "She meant it in a good way, and I guess she was afraid for me because she could see how I was always...you were all I talked about, and even my parents were asking me if I was going to invite you during break because...and Chad. Chad was so fucking insufferable that he made me go to all the parties Tom and Mike were in because he said sometimes you went with them." He pauses. "And one night, you did. Go out with them. That was..."
"Yeah," Jensen utters, nodding.
He's told himself otherwise, but he clearly remembers how Jared had flirted, had leaned closer to make sure he can tell Jensen everything to his ear, and how Jensen had been so drunk with happiness that when Jared pulled him into the bathroom, the latch to the door had barely settled before he pushed Jared against the door, fell on his knees, and started nuzzling Jared's crotch like a whore.
Jared looks away, and Jensen immediately pulls his hand away. Finally, he clears his throat, and goes on hoarsely, "So yeah, I'm a dick. And maybe you didn't help any when you lied about being who you are, but I think I may have had some hand into it. So...you know, I'm sorry."
Jared falls silent, making Jensen fidget on his seat. Finally, he looks up to find Jared's eyeing him with some trepidation, which makes him break into a smile. "It's fine, Jared. The truth is, I got over it after a while. Can't say it wasn't easy, but time helped. Moving away also helped. I didn't go to LA because of you–I got a contract for writing songs shortly after you left so, you know, it was an opportunity.
"But when I saw you again when you again in the coffee shop, I thought I might as well–you know, get to know you more." Jensen takes a deep breath and takes the plunge. After all, if Jared doesn't want to be with Jensen the same way Jensen wants to be with him, then at least Jensen manages to clear the air. Make sure there's no more misunderstanding. "And the person you are now makes me realize that I am way more interested than I previously thought."
"So you're saying...you still like me," Jared puts in slowly.
"I got over you years ago, Jared. It's just..." Jensen shrugs and explains shyly, "I fell in love all over again."
Jared stares at him, then drops his head with a shy grin. "Y'know," he drawls in an audible Texan accent, tracing a pattern on the couch, "if this were a movie, we'd be kissing right about now."
"Yeah?" Jensen tries not to let his hopes up, but the pounding of his heart threatens to drown out silly logic. "Um...yeah, come to think of it, if it were a book, or even a short story, there would be some inane lines about the magic of conversation and getting over a conflict, so I guess–"
"Jensen," Jared says amusedly, and for a moment Jensen sees that young college boy he fell in love with lurking behind Jared's eyes, "I'm saying we can kiss."
Jensen stops, feels himself turning red. "Oh, well then, I'll just–" He leans forward.
This time, Jared meets him halfway.
Jensen hates mornings, but when he rolls over the next day and realizes Jared is still on his bed, he finds himself stretching lazily, observing the man next to him. Removing his contacts in the middle of the night certainly made the view blurry, but Jensen solves the problem by shifting closer.
Jared has certainly grown up beautifully with his long muscled legs and tight ass that fits right into Jensen's palms. Jensen eyes Jared's dick: thick and long, entirely proportional to the large frame, especially during the morning when. Jensen's mouth waters just thinking about it as he scoots over, remembering how it felt in his hands just last night. How Jared had moaned while Jensen jacked him off slowly, watching Jared's face. How Jensen had come just after Jared did.
He gives Jared's cock a tentative lick, smiling when Jared twitches in his sleep. Slowly, sleepily, he slinks lower, presses his face into the V of Jared's legs. Above him, Jared gives another moan, shifting over Jensen's sheets. Jensen puts a hand at the inside of Jared's thigh; it has an instantaneous effect. Jared stops, sinks back into the mattress and tangle of blankets.
Smiling, Jensen laps at Jared's dick, root to tip in one instant–earning an other moan. It makes Jensen's heart beat faster, makes him wanton with need. He sucks the tip into his mouth, sliding down–unhurriedly, leisurely–the velvet skin tickling his tongue. The blurt of precum slides paints the insides of his cheeks, over his lips. Jared moans again, but Jensen can hear the tone of awareness, the way Jared rouses as he thrusts deeper into Jensen's throat.
It makes Jensen suck harder before returning to his usual languid pace.
"Jesus," Jared moans. "Oh my g–god, Jensen."
Jensen feels Jared's eyes on him, and it makes him shyer. But he's not that guy anymore, and he's not about to let this opportunity pass, so he slides down again, brings up his hand to wrap around the base of Jared's cock where his mouth can't reach.
"Oh god," Jared pants. "Jen, Jenny–" Jared massages Jensen's head. "Yes, god, your fucking lips, should've known–oh god, should've known it was–it was you. Wanna see your eyes, can I...?"
Jensen obeys quickly, meeting Jared's eyes as he continues. The vision is blurry, but what he can make out–Jared's face as he pants and tries not to thrust too much into Jensen's mouth, the way his biceps bulge, straining to massage Jensen's head before fisting the sheets–makes him hard that he ends up humping the mattress. And when Jared gasps, "Jensen, I'm–gonna–" Jensen ignores him, sucks harder as his hand continues to jack off the base of Jared's cock until Jared cums with a shout, practically arching his back.
Jensen pulls back quickly, but not fast enough that some liquid lands in his mouth and on his jaw, spilling into his hands.
He's still licking up the stray ones that land on Jared's thighs when Jared finally comes down from his high and basks in the attention before groaning. "Get up here," he demands.
Jensen quickly complies, groaning when Jared wraps his hand over his raging hard-on. Jensen buries his face into Jared's neck, now unaccountably shy. "Like that," he pants, thrusting into the heat of Jared's fingers. "Yeah–Jared–"
"Look so beautiful," Jared whispers into his ear. "Shy, too–even now, you try to hide it but I fucking love it. Fucking love that you're so confident–fucking sexy, but still shy–when it comes to–I remember–"
"Jesus," Jensen groans into Jared's neck, spilling into his hand.
They bask in the afterglow for a few moments, and Jared starts stroking Jensen's back, the part that makes him squirmy.
"So," Jared says conversationally, his voice still hoarse from sex and sleepiness, "I know we're trying to move forward, not let our past get in the way, but. I gotta tell you. I always thought those glasses made you look hot, man. If you'd blown me after our first date, I might have figured out things sooner."
"Mmm," Jensen says, then quickly pulls back incredulously. "What...really? I got contacts because of you!"
Jared frowns. "What do you mean? I never said anything about your glasses...did I?" he goes on uncertainly.
Jensen gives him a mock punch on the arm. "I thought I looked kind of nerdy," he muttered in chagrin.
"In case you didn't know," Jared says sleepily, "I'm kind of into that thing, so lucky you."
"Hmm." Jensen thinks of that day when Jared Padalecki walks into the shop, seeing him after all those years and finally being here, in his arms. Three years ago, Jensen would never have thought of that. "Yeah," he agrees softly as Jared's arm wraps around him to pull him closer. "Lucky me."