Chapter Text
Bruce runs his fingers through his sticky hair, gathering what feels like mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, and an entire turkey leg from atop his head and flinging the offending material to the ground while staring at the perpetrators in narrow-eyed accusation.
Six sets of eyes stare back at him with expressions ranging from guilt to defiance.
Cass and Clark are also staring at him, but their gazes reflect nothing but sweet innocence and he makes sure to smile reassuringly at them before returning his judgmental glare to his clearly guilty sons and almost-daughters.
Cass and Clark are innocent and good. I’m sure they had nothing to do with the food fight.
…Or if they did, they were too quick and skilled for him to catch red-handed.
Unlike Tim and Jason, who when he walked back into the dining room a moment ago were giggling and improvising a mashed-potato catapult constructed using rubber bands, batarangs, a serving spoon, and blind hope. Bruce is covered in evidence of the surprising effectiveness of their catapult, and Tim is staring at him in horror-stricken guilt while Jason’s expression holds far more challenge than repentance. Their lips are twitching like they’re about to start laughing again.
Or Babs, who was tossing entire pumpkin pies into the air when Bruce entered the room, laughing gleefully the whole time. Or Steph, who was swinging a loaf of French bread and slamming each pumpkin pie out of the air to splat against the door, all while cackling like a madwoman. It was just Bruce’s bad luck to step through the door at the wrong moment and take a pumpkin pie to the face at what must have been at least 80 mph. Both of them are gazing at him in horror, jaws dropped in surprise.
Or Dick, who was cartwheeling on the dining room table when Bruce entered the room, giggling and dodging the various projectiles Damian was tossing at him. Or Damian, who had thrown a turkey leg at his brother which Dick managed to dodge just in time for it to smack into Bruce’s unsuspecting head. Damian looks appalled and defensive while Dick looked shocked at first before laughing himself right off the table. He is now rolling around in the mess on the floor, still convulsing with uncontrollable laughter.
Bruce stares at them all a moment longer, allowing the tension to ratchet up a few more notches, and then lets them off the hook.
It is Thanksgiving, after all, and I’m just so very happy to have you all in one place and safe, high spirits and all. He smiles softly, and several of them flinch.
He clears his throat. “If you’re done, I invited Zatanna to help us prepare in case the spell that took the boys by surprise last month comes back to haunt us. After all, we aren’t sure where the rogue magician learned it or who else knows of its existence, so we must all be prepared to resist it as effectively as the boys did should it be used against us again.”
The kids blink at him, apparently surprised he isn’t going to chide them for the food fight, and he just turns to head down to the Cave.
No need for me to punish them for this, anyway. Just wait until Alfred sees what they did to his dining room…
Zatanna smiles widely as they troop down to the Cave and change because all of their previous clothing is covered in Thanksgiving. Bruce puts on his uniform ‘cause he’s a complete fuckin’ tool. Babs emerges from the elevator in her wheelchair, her clothing somehow miraculously unscathed by the food fight.
Yeah, no one wants to be the asshole who nails Babs in the fuckin’ face with the gravy boat. Her vengeance would be swift and fuckin’ terrible.
“Ah, good, everyone’s ready now! You all know why we’re here, so no need to waste time talking about it. I thought we’d start with Bruce. Vincit omnia veritas!” The magician grins as she shouts the spell, watching with interest as the magic hovers around Batman in a cloud.
Everyone backs a step away from him, even Clark. Jason snorts. Yeah, after the others turned into a fuckin’ dragon, monstrous fuckin’ ghoul, and undead assassin, I can see how they’re a little cautious. Not everyone can be as goddamn lovable and cuddly as me.
Jason leans forward as the cloud of magic dissipates to reveal… Batman. “Huh,” he says, mildly disappointed. He’d hoped Batman would turn into some horrific monstrosity or maybe a tiny helpless fluffy prey animal so Jason could make fun of him forever. “Did it not fuckin’ work?”
Zatanna frowns and casts the spell again, this time enveloping Jason, Tim, Damian, and Batman. A moment later a fox, a dragon, a ghoul, and Batman emerge from their respective magic clouds. “No, it’s definitely working,” Zatanna says, gesturing to dispel the magic and return them to their normal forms. “As best I can tell, he’s just… internalized the Bat, to the point that he doesn’t differentiate it from himself anymore.”
Well, that’s just fuckin’ depressing. Wait… “How come we’re not naked?” Everyone stares at Jason, and he fidgets, starting to feel a little judged. “What? Before when we changed back, none of us had any clothes on. Just wonderin’ what the fuck’s different now.”
Zatanna clears her throat, shrugging apologetically. “Yeah, sorry about that. New spell and all; can’t always get them exactly right the first time! I did a little research since then and practiced the spell until I was able to avoid that particular… complication.” She snorts, shaking her head and shuddering slightly. “Nobody needs to see that.”
Well now I’m kinda fuckin’ offended. We’re all good-lookin’ guys, Z. Eh, whatever, probably feels weird to perv on your friend’s kids.
Batman grunts acknowledgement, then turns to the girls. “The boys all have reasonably defensive alternate forms for this spell built into their given names, and I have my own form of protection; however, all of you are vulnerable to the spell.”
Jason finds himself running through the girls’ names in his mind, and agreeing with the boss. Fuck, I didn’t think of that, but none of the girls really have anything good to turn into. Shit, good call, B.
“Are you forgetting as Oracle I’m not exposed in the field like the rest of you are?” Babs lifts a brow at Bruce challengingly. “If someone manages to get close enough to me to perform a spell, I have way more problems than a little transformation magic will solve.”
“Still, having protection from the transformation magic won’t hurt. And just think how much fun you’d having terrifying people if you get a monster form!” Dick smiles at her winningly, and Babs rolls her eyes but nods acknowledgement.
Batman clears his throat. “As such, I have selected new middle names for each of you which I will assign and edit into your profiles in the Batcomputer.”
Babs’ brow furrows. “And you think that will be sufficient for us to actually incorporate those new names into our identities to the point we can use them to protect ourselves from this spell? I would have thought an actual legal name change, or long-term nickname would be necessary to satisfy the requirements of the magic.”
“There’s one way to find out.” Batman smirks, types rapidly into the Batcomputer, and then gestures for the girls to come take a look.
“What?!” Steph squawks, outraged. “Stephanie Sasquatch Brown?! Oh HELL no!”
“Barbara Panther Gordon. Well, not bad, I guess, considering the alternatives.” Babs glances wryly over at where Steph is fuming at her suggested middle name and then breaks into amused laughter.
“Cassandra… Cobra. Cain.” Cass tilts her head with interest, raising her brows inquiringly at Batman.
“I wanted to select creatures that fit your natural fighting styles so you will be able to adapt to your new forms seamlessly. Stephanie’s fighting style leans toward melee; as a natural brawler, she will benefit greatly from the increased reach and strength of the Sasquatch. Barbara is a dancer who will make use of the panther’s grace and speed, while Cassandra’s innate style and stealth training will translate easily to the cobra’s form and abilities,” Batman explains. “Also, each form I selected has strong natural defenses so none of you will be useless liabilities in your alternate forms, like poor helpless Jason.”
“Hey!” Jason growls, unwilling to admit his alternate form is more cute and cuddly than deadly. “I bit your sad ass like, eight times when I was a fuckin’ fox! Not so helpless with my teeth embedded in your flesh!”
Tim takes his hand and rubs it soothingly, and Jason subsides. Whatever, at least I’m the biggest and meanest bastard of us all in my regular everyday form. Who cares about fuckin’ magic anyway.
Cass rises up on her tiptoes and whispers something in Batman’s ear. He smiles fondly at her, pats her on the head, and nods as he types something else into the Batcomputer. He then gestures at Zatanna who casts the spell over Steph, Babs, and Cass.
The clouds of magic start to slowly dissipate, revealing first a nine-foot tall, heavily muscled figure covered all over in short golden hair. “What the fuck,” it says in Steph’s voice as it looks down at itself. “I’m fucking blonde Chewbacca.” She turns to Tim. “Ex-boyfriend, Batman turned me into a nerd’s wet dream.”
Tim looks her up and down appraisingly. “I know I’m ten times more attracted to you right now than I ever was before,” he deadpans, grinning, then squeaks and ducks as Steph swings wildly at him. “Why are you trying to hit me?” He dodges, hands in the air in surrender as he rapidly retreats. “Ten times nothing is still nothing! And don’t tell me you find that insulting, it’s why we broke up! Dating each other didn’t work because we’re both gay!”
“So, so gay,” Steph sighs, subsiding. “Why did it take us dating to figure that out?”
Tim shrugs. “At least we’re both in happy steady relationships with people we’re actually attracted to now.”
“Yeah, I’m dating your sister and you’re dating your brother. Nothing dysfunctional about any of that—” Steph laughs as Tim squeaks again and flails in blushing distress until he pauses, mouth dropping open slightly and eyes lighting up like he just thought of something wonderful.
“Make the wookie noise!” he begs, grinning up at Steph playfully.
“Ngaaaaarrrrrrgh!” She actually fuckin’ pulls it off pretty damn well as she dives at him, hauling her beefy arm back for a roundhouse right cross while Jason yanks his tiny, idiotic little boyfriend out of the line of fire. Steph could knock him on his ass with that punch in her normal body; right now she’d probably take his head right off his shoulders by accident.
“So awesome!” Tim whispers, eyes shining with delight. Jason grumbles and wraps his silly little boyfriend in his big protective arms and glares at Steph, who mutters something vaguely insulting and backs off.
Meanwhile, the second magic cloud is gone and what’s left is… Babs, sitting in her wheelchair? Jason stares, wondering if this is another instance of someone being really into their vigilante identity, kinda like Bruce and the Bat. He squints. Is she wearing the Batgirl suit…?
Babs stands up, looks down at the familiar suit she hasn’t worn in years, and then grins, pushing off her cowl. “I can’t believe that worked,” she murmurs dazedly, laughing a little hysterically.
“Oh my god, Babs!” Dick squeals in delight, launching himself at her and scooping her up in a huge hug. “You’re walking! What did you do?”
“I just thought, I’m Batgirl, pictured myself like this, and believed it. And I guess it was true enough for the spell to work with.” She glances down at the wheelchair, brow furrowed. “Do we have to lift the spell?”
Zatanna is concentrating, examining Babs. “I…. no, I don’t think so. This magic is unique in that every form anyone assumes using this spell is truly them, in a very deep and intrinsic way. But let’s just check and verify.” She murmurs the spell, and Babs vanishes only to be replaced by a lovely, sleek panther with switching tail. Zatanna performs the spell again, and Batgirl is standing there, tears of joy in her eyes. Dick wraps an arm around her shoulder and the two step off to the side, whispering together excitedly.
“Holy shit,” Jason says faintly, and Batman nods, a soft look in his eyes as he watches his eldest son and surrogate daughter’s wondering joy.
Damian is staring fixedly at something in the other direction. Jason turns, following his gaze, and sees… Batman.
But B’s still over by Zatanna. What the fuck…?
“Justice,” the second Batman whispers, rough and menacing, in Cass’ voice. She narrows her eyes and looms, Bat-like.
“Hn,” the original Batman says, eying his daughter approvingly.
“Oh fuck. She changed her name to Cassandra Batman Cain?!”
“Wait, what? That was an option? THEN WHY AM I A WOOKIE?!”
“Father, I insist you change my name in the Batcomputer to include the word Batman! If any is to assume your form, it should be I, your true heir!”
“Hey guys, I got this,” Tim’s voice calls from over by the Batcomputer where he apparently scurried the minute Jason was distracted. “Check it out!” And he turns the display so they can all see.
It’s all of their names. And they all have an extra middle name now. Batman.
“Oh, fuck yeah,” Jason whispers, imagining all the havoc he can wreak if he’s in Batman’s form. “Do it, Zatanna!”
She obligingly calls out the spell, laughing as magic engulfs the entire room and dissipates to reveal all the Batmen.
Well, and Clark, who’s now in his Superman duds. He looks down at himself curiously. “Well, I guess I do truly think of myself as both Superman and Clark Kent…”
But everyone else is Batman. Except…
“Damn it, B!” Stephsquatch slaps the nearest Batman and he falls down. “Oh god oh god oh god I'm sorry are you okay??!” She helps him up.
“Whatever doesn’t kill you, simply makes you stronger,” he growls in Tim’s voice. “…I am the night.”
“Okay, close enough.” She shoves him back down. “Zatanna, why am I the only one who didn’t change into Batman?”
Zatanna stares at her, trying to read the magic currents or what-the-fuck-ever she does. “I think…” she says slowly, “that you experienced a very powerful emotional response when you transformed the first time, and now this is the only form you’ll be able to take with this spell. Besides your natural one, of course.”
Stephsquatch blinks. “Even though the emotional response was just rage, bitterness and hate?”
“Yep!” Zatanna smiles encouragingly, and Stephsquatch sighs. A Batman pats her on the back.
“You’ll be okay, Stephsquatch!” The solicitous Batman says in Dick’s disgustingly cheerful voice, and Stephsquatch punches him into the ground next to where Tim is just struggling to his feet.
Fuck that’s hilarious. I bet we’ve all been callin’ her Stephsquatch in our heads, Dickie’s just the only one fuckin’ dumb enough to say it out loud.
Jason kinda wants to help, but knows better than to get involved when Steph is getting into it with any of his brothers. She’s fuckin’ relentless.
He watches a couple of Batmen who must be Babs and Cass sparring on the mats, testing out their new abilities and reflexes, as another Batman surreptitiously reaches for things in high places, smiling joyfully when he can actually get them without standing on his tiptoes and then glancing around scowling to see if anyone noticed. Damian, checking out what will probably be close to his own eventual adult height and build.
Shit, Damian’s a cute little fucker when he quits trying to be such an asshole, Jason thinks fondly. He rolls his shoulders, slightly surprised to realize he doesn’t feel much different from usual. A little heavier on his feet, a bit thicker in the middle… he grins cockily at the confirmation he’s just as buff and strong as the big bad Bat.
Clark glances around the room too, and then freezes, a blush forming on his high cheekbones. “Oh Rao,” he whispers throatily, eyes sliding from one Batman to the next and darkening as his tight suit hides nothing of his physical response to all the versions of his boyfriend jumping, climbing, and rolling around the Cave.
Gross. Jason doesn’t need to see this shit.
Clark’s eyes lock on Jason’s and suddenly he’s right there.
“Bruce,” Clark whispers hoarsely. “I can’t…” He swallows thickly, eyes darting around the room looking at all the Batmen in various states of flexing and sparring. One is now doing a one-armed handstand on the Batcomputer and laughing uproariously, legs falling open obscenely wide as he does the splits in the air. Another is bending over to touch his toes, booty sticking out, a third’s in downward-facing dog, ass in the air, and two more are now twerking with the Stephsquatch on the Batmobile which is blasting club music with a fast beat.
Clark’s mouth drops open slightly and his eyes darken even more as he stares, practically drooling at the display.
“Sweet merciful Rao, I’m surrounded by temptation! I can’t stay here and be unaffected, I’m sorry! Bruce, I need you,” the man whimpers, grabbing a nice big handful of Jason’s ass and fuckin’ squeezing.
“BAD TOUCH!” Jason yelps loudly as he reflexively knees Supes right in the fuckin’ nads.
Fuckin’ ouch, shit, he does have goddamn balls of steel!
“Jason?!” Clark’s face is a study in horror and distress, and he recoils, then disappears, reappearing a moment later with an icepack for Jason’s hurting knee. “Oh Rao I’m so sorry I thought you were Bruce—”
“Did you just feel up my son?” Another Batman growls as he materializes out of nowhere to bend protectively over Jason, gently examining his knee and glaring at Superman. After determining the knee is uninjured, Batman rises to his feet, still glaring at his errant partner.
Clark’s face whitens at Batman’s judgement and he gulps nervously. “I’m sorry, I thought he was you! All your heartbeats sound the same right now!” His hands flutter in distress.
Batman stares at him, then rolls his eyes and grabs Clark’s hand, tugging him away. “Your mistake is understandable. But you will still need to be punished.” He smirks, then pulls Clark in for a thorough kiss. The Kryptonian melts into his embrace, and then they both just stare at each other sappily making heart-eyes for a full minute before Bruce starts tugging Clark toward the stairs. “Let’s go take care of that now, shall we.”
Clark whimpers, following very willingly.
Jason gags in disgust at the horny look on his Batdad’s face as he drags his boyfriend out of the Cave.
Batman calls distractedly over his shoulder, “You’re all sufficiently protected from the spell now; continue training and we’ll all meet upstairs later for hot cocoa. In about an hour.” Kissing and moaning noises ensue during which Jason steadfastly refuses to look while trying not to barf.
Batman groans, then grunts. “Make that two hours!” His voice sounds way deeper than normal, gross.
The pair disappears, leaving the Cave in a chaos of dancing Batmen and Stephsquatch. Jason shrugs and joins the twerkers on the Batmobile. He’s pretty sure that one on the left is Tim… The Batman in questions winks at him with a very familiar slow roll of his hips, and Jason grins. Yep, definitely Tim.
“This is kinda nice, y’know? We all got fuckin’ choices now if this magic comes up again.”
Tim nods, still twerking. “Sometimes the monster or fox forms might be the most appropriate response…”
Dick rolls out of his handstand splits and twerks over to them, grinning. “And sometimes, the answer is an army of Batmen!”
“And Sasquatch!” Steph contributes.
“And Stephsquatch,” Dick agrees.
“Um, can we change back now? I need to pee and I think I might actually die if I have to do that with this body.”
Ugh, gross. Jason hadn’t thought of that, and suddenly feels a pressing need to not be in this form Jesus fuckin’ Christ I don’t wanna know what my fuckin’ Batdad is packin’—
Zatanna snorts with laughter, and complies. As the magic clouds coalesce around all of them, Jason has a wonderful, terrible thought. “Hey Dickie, you think you could actually become a literal dick with this spell?” And Jason grins like a bastard, knowing his brother won’t be able to avoid thinking about it now at the critical moment—
Dick’s head whips around and his eyes widen in horrified betrayal as Jason doubles over and chokes on laughter. Fuck yeah, this shit’s gonna be so fuckin’ hilarious!
“Oh my god,” Tim, now back in his normal body, whispers as the magic dissipates, stumbling away in appalled shock from the enormous, fleshy, disembodied penis writhing around on the Cave floor.
Jason can’t stop laughing, but he manages to catch his staggering boyfriend and whisk him out of the path of the blindly flailing literal Dick. “Oh fuck,” he wheezes. “Oh my fuckin’ fuck, this is goddamn gold.”
The huge penis rears its head up at his words, apparently somehow able to hear him, and it whips around to face him… at least, it aims its fuckin’ fat head at him, and then—
“It fuckin’ winked at me,” Jason whispers in stunned horror, quickly beginning to regret everything. “What the fuck.” He backs away a slow step. “Dickie? Can you hear me? Dickiebird?!” As Jason backs away faster and faster, the gigantic penis the size of an adult man begins somehow crawling across the ground toward him, inchworm-style, enormous saggy balls dragging sadly along behind.
“Change him back change him back oh for the love of fuck please change him back!” Jason screams, backing up until he hits the wall and then clawing his way up the Cave wall with his bare hands as the girls squeal with appalled laughter and Tim flees to hide safely behind the Batcomputer, the adorable little traitor.
Damian is still just standing frozen, mouth agape as he stares in abject shock at what has become of his favorite brother.
The enormous disembodied penis makes it to the Cave wall and starts feeling around blindly, head flopping crazily as it tries to reach up to get to Jason who squeaks and yanks his feet out of reach. “ZATANNA!” he bellows, and she manages to stop laughing just long enough to gasp out the spell.
Jason’s grip slips and he falls just as the magic dissipates to reveal Dick… who catches Jason in his arms and smiles, the dim Cave light glinting off his yellow eyes. “Little Wing, that wasn’t very nice,” he whispers gently right in Jason’s ear, slowly stroking his cheek with a single gleaming talon.
Oh fuck, Jason did not think this shit through.
“Urge to kill… rising…” Dick’s rasping voice sends chills down Jason’s spine, and just as he lets out a manful whimper of sheer terror there’s a rush of wings and wrenching claws and suddenly he’s in the air while Dick’s shouting protests but unable to pursue.
Jason twists and clutches desperately at Tim, wrapping his arms around the dragon’s neck and helping maneuver them so when Tim reaches the Cave ceiling and clings upside-down to the various stalactites there with all four feet, Jason’s able to lie comfortably on his boyfriend’s belly. “Fuck, thanks Baby Bird,” Jason gasps with real gratitude. He edges up to peer over Tim’s shoulder at the distant Cave floor, where Dick appears to be attempting to scale the walls using his talons and the girls are all laughing too hard to try to interfere.
“No problem, Jay.” Tim folds his wings and tightens his grip on the stalactites, apparently settling in for a long-term siege. “I’ve got you.” He nuzzles Jason’s cheek and Jason smiles, relaxing in the safety of his boyfriend’s embrace. Tim’s dragon form is still surprisingly warm and comfy. Maybe he’ll have a nap…
“Grayson,” Damian’s imperious tones float up from below. “We should develop tactics for the deployment of your additional alternate form in battle.”
The fuck.
“What?” Dick sounds completely baffled. “Dami, why would I ever want to use that form again? It was horrible! Just… why?”
“It was formidable enough to send Todd, a stalwart warrior too idiotic to know the meaning of the word fear, clambering for his life up a stone wall while whining and cringing like a cur. I am confident anything effective enough to frighten Todd like that will be of use in the future against rogues.”
Jason buries his head in Tim’s scaled chest, and laughs as Babs, Dick, Steph and Cass begin brainstorming ideas with Damian for effective ways to weaponize Dick’s gigantic, terrible shame.
Jesus fuck, this fuckin’ family.
Bruce sips his cocoa contentedly and allows his gaze to travel over his family, who are ensconced in numerous chairs and couches around the room enjoying the cocoa and platters of various types of cookies Alfred provided after scolding Bruce’s more rambunctious children into cleaning the mess of Thanksgiving in the dining room.
Cass and Clark had helped clean as well even though they had no part in making the mess, because both are too kind and innocent for their own good. Bruce melts slightly more into his boyfriend’s warm comforting embrace, enjoying Clark’s hum of pleasure and the sheer unmitigated joy of being here with all of his beloved family together.
He’s still a bit stunned that this is actually happening. I never imagined I could have this. Everyone I love most, in one room, and actually happy to be here. They came here… just because I asked them to. The corners of his mouth tug up irresistibly at the marvelous warmth in his heart.
Jason and Tim are curled together on the other couch, smiling and laughing at something Steph just said. It hadn’t been too much effort to coax the pair down from the Cave ceiling so Zatanna could transform Tim into a human again, especially when Clark offered to fly Bruce up there to talk to them. It also helped that Clark had bargained Dick down to a reasonable punishment for Jason’s prank.
Dick had happily agreed to forgive Jason for the simple price of unimpeded brotherly cuddles during the next weekly family movie night. I’ll have to get some pictures of that… Bruce sighs at the happy rush of emotion that wells up at the thought of his beloved children bonding with each other and him in his home.
Barbara and Cass are sitting with Alfred, telling him about the magical ridiculousness in the Cave and laughing with delight as the butler shakes his head, chuckling warmly at the children’s antics.
Dick and Damian are lying on the rug in front of the fireplace deep in discussion over some kind of battle strategies Bruce is trying very hard not to listen to; it sounds like something to do with an enormous penis, but that can’t possibly be right. No more than their apparent plan to… defeat enemies by ejaculating forcefully enough to propel them into walls and knock them unconscious?
No, impossible. He must have misunderstood. He shakes his head, smiling.
Bruce looks around again, feeling an unfamiliar and wonderful deep sensation of peace and contentment washing through him.
Clark wraps his arms around him and tugs him back deeper into his embrace. His bright blue eyes drift down to the worn, comfortable Superman pajamas Bruce no longer needs to hide, and his handsome face lights up with sheer happiness, sparking an answering helpless wave of love in Bruce.
We would never have confessed to each other, had it not been for that ridiculous spell and the boys’ antics.
I can hardly believe this is truly real. Bruce looks at Alfred from across the room filled with their family, and smiles. Despite the misunderstandings and distress, the bumps in the road to get here, I wouldn’t change a thing. It was all worth it, my old friend.
Alfred meets his eyes, and raises his cup with a fond smile.
Bruce smirks to himself. This just goes to show I was right all along, Alfred. He rests his head on Clark’s shoulder, and grins.