Archive of Our Own

After the painful dying bit ended, being dead wasn’t so bad.

Until Merlin decided to join him.

Because now- crumpled on the stone floor of the cramped closet Gaius called a bedroom, was the brother he’d died to protect .

Dying.

His mortality slipping away with every drop of blood that seeped out of him.

“No!” Arthur shouted, lunging to Merlin’s side- his hands reaching out -he had to do something!- he had to save him! But he yanked them back.

The dead couldn’t interact with the living.

Dread writhed in his veins. I can’t save him!

He knelt there uselessly . Idiotically frozen above the tableau he’d never imagined he’d have to see.

Merlin’s tears splashed into the pool of red around them as his eyes screwed shut, a ragged whimper escaping him. Arthur felt his heart break and he watched helplessly as his best friend began thrashing. He’d watched too many soldiers die. Merlin only had moments.

“No- no- please Merlin… you have to go back-” Your supposed to be safe. I did this so you’d be safe-

The need to comfort him seared under his skin but he forced himself to hold back.

The dead couldn’t interact with the living.

He knew that. Torturing himself by trying wouldn’t change anything.

But what if you can? A tiny part of him worried. What if he’s going through the worst pain of his life alone because of your selfish cowardice?

Tears sprung to his eyes even as he shoved the thought away. Focus, Pendragon!

But it was true. He didn’t dare touch him. Not because watching the man he loved most endure the worst pain possible didn’t hurt worse then when he’d endured it himself . Not because he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to touch him again-

Because he was terrified he would.

The dead couldn’t interact with the living.

“Don’t you dare die on me- don’t you dare! You hold on! Hold-”

Merlin went still.

Dead.

I’m so sorry.

Merlin was dead because he’d failed.

Then a terrible thought struck him, shoving his shock away and sparking a wild fear within him.

The others.

They would find Merlin’s body soon.

This would break them.

And I can’t save them!

“No!” He growled, forcing himself to steal a sharp breath.

He couldn’t panic!

“You don’t know that! They’re strong. They’ll heal. They’ll be okay.” He took another deep breath and unfisting the hands he hadn’t realized he’d fisted.

“They’ll be okay.”

But that’s what you thought about him.

That thought was the spark that sent him blazing out of control.

“Get ahold of yourself- Pendragons don’t panic!”

But he was panicking.

Spiraling down and down and down.

Breaking into thousands of useless pieces because he’d thought they’d all be okay and then Merlin had killed himself and now he could lose them all and he couldn’t lose them but he couldn’t do anything !

He’d tried.

His Mother had been everything he’d never dared to imagine- her embrace was warm and encompassing. And for a moment everything had been perfect. And then it was gone. And she’d pulled away with tears blurring in her beautiful blue eyes. And she’d told him he had to go back. His destiny was to return when Albion needed him most and that time was now.

So he’d come back. Not into some distant future like he might have expected.

But to his own funeral.

He’d tried demanding they pull his body off the pire- but they hadn’t heard. And the flames didn’t hurt him.

He’d tried wiping away his Love’s tears- caressing her lovely cheeks - but the tears fell unhindered and her eyes stoically stayed on the embers .

He’d tried comforting Merlin but he couldn’t find him.

He’d tried looking for him but he was too late.

He’d tried catching him but Merlin fell.

He’d tried stopping the blood but he bled.

He’d tried running for help but no one heard his screams.

He tried to hold his brother as he drifted away but his fingers grasped nothing.

He’d tried and tried and tried and failed.

And now Merlin was dead.

And it was all his fault

His control was slipping miles beyond his grasp so he clenched his fists and did the only thing he knew to do.

He took a breath and started counting.

One.

What did he have?

Two.

Okay…. I’ve got… white ghost clothes that somehow aren’t coated in blood...and...no shoes- no sword… nothing. I’ve got absolutely nothing.

Three.

What did he know?

Four.

I know that I’m dead. I know that Merlin killed himself. I know that will break the people I love. I know I need to save them. But the dead can’t interract with the living.

Five.

So I can’t do anything.

Six.

Focus, Pendragon! What can you do?

Seven.

I can’t interact with the living!

Eight.

I can’t save any of them!

Nine.

Merlin’s not living.

Ten.

I can save him.

He tore open his eyes and squared his shoulders.

His heart bled but his mind was clear. He couldn’t do anything to help the others.

But by God above, he’d do anything- tear down any wall, slay any dragon, wield any magic- he would save Merlin.

Purpose thrumming in his veins, he clambered to his feet and looked down at his best friend’s corpse. The sooner he stopped Merlin’s pain the better.

“Merlin? Wake up.” He waited expectantly for Merlin’s, er , dead self, to obey his command and leave his body.

He didn’t.

Arthur frowned. Obedience wasn’t one of Merlin’s strong suits, but he always responded when it mattered. Was something wrong?

“We don’t have time for your laziness. As your king I’m ordering you to wake up!” He tried to make his tone commanding yet light- the man had just killed himself for heaven’s sake!- but worry was beginning to seep inside him .

Was this normal? How long had he been asleep after his death? What if Merlin had been under too long? Had the pain somehow damaged him? Or what if the pain hadn’t ended? What if his mind had simply retreated further under to hide from it? Could he still be suffering?

Arthur kicked him. Hard. His bare toes throbbed.

Merlin didn’t respond.

The worry swelled inside him.

“C’mon...please-” He tried to lock the irrational fears away. Focus, Pendragon!

“Let’s have you up, you lazy daisy.” He tried Merlin’s idiotic adage for the familiarity, but his voice was tight and the words comfortless .

Another terrible thought twisted into his conciousness- what if suicide was different? What if killing yourself earned you a different kind of eternity? What if Merlin was trapped in the fire forever? What if he never woke-

Merlin’s eyes snapped open.

Relief thudded through Arthur’s entire body- so intense and warm he almost missed Merlin’s frown.

“Arthur? What’s wrong? Are you alright?”

Was- was he alright? Merlin had just killed himself and he was asking if he was alright?!

“Merlin-” He started to say something along the lines of : What do you think, idiot?! Of course I’m not! My best friend killed himself! I should be asking you that question! but he cut himself off when he saw genuine fear sparking in Merlin’s eyes. He closed his eyes, biting back the surging anger and weighted questions.

Keep calm you idiot! This isn’t about you. It never should have been. This is about saving him. Deal with yourself later.

“We need to talk.” He forced his voice to be calm and soft, but Merlin’s eyes bulged, the fear melting into horror.

“Why? What’s happening? What’s wrong-?”

Arthur’s heart lurched as Merlin staggered to his feet, pulling away from his body completely, his breathing shaky . Storming great job, Arthur! Now he’s terrified!

“-Please tell me it’s not Gwen!”

The image slammed into his head before he could block it. Guinevere sobbing alone in their bed, draped in her black gown. Gwen lost and hopeless but still holding her head up and smiling because that’s what she always did. Guinevere desperate for any peace- taking a knife- crumpled in a pool of red ink, tears trailing from empty eyes-

“- Please tell me she’s safe-”

“I don’t know!” He shoved the images out of his head but he could still smell the blood. Oh maiden’s leg’s he was standing in it! His stomach curled at the thought and he continued recklessly.

“I don’t know anything, Merlin! I thought you were all doing okay and then you killed yourself!”

Merlin reeled back like he’d punched him. That was his signal to stop. He’d already done enough damage.

He couldn’t stop.

“No… I didn’t- ”

“I don’t have the answers! I don’t know if their- I don’t know! I thought you would watch them! I never would’ve-” Arthur cut himself off with a curse but it was too late.

Merlin’s eyes filled with tears and he shook his head desperately . They slipped down his cheeks as his hands started to tremble.

He’d made Merlin cry.

He was supposed to be storming saving him and he’d made him cry!

“ I’m sorry- I’m sorry- ” The words were barely desipherable through his gasping croaks and Arthur’s heart splintered .

“I didn’t mean that, Merlin. I’m the one who- It’s not your fault-O h dear God …” The others could come any moment- and so far he’d done nothing but make him cry!

“We don’t have time for this-” he started impatiently before forcing himself to shut up. Don’t take your anger out on him- your idiocy isn’t his fault! Be calm and save him!

He growled and straightened, trying to arrange himself to look calming. “We need to talk.”

Merlin shook his head fervently , ignoring his tears.

“Arthur, I'm sorry. I’m really sorry I killed you and stole everything from you and you have every right to hate me, but the others need you-” but Arthur exploded .

“I don’t hate you because you stole everything from me-I hate you because you stole everything from yourself !”

No! Why did he keep hurting him?! I don’t hate you! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that-

Merlin’s breath hitched and he turned away from Arthur, angrily wiping at his tears.

A soft knock rapped on the Infirmary door

Arthur’s heart sunk as Merlin twisted to the sound. He stiffened straight as a board, his mouth falling open and horror dawning behind his tears.

“Oh no…” Merlin breathed.

They were here. Great job, Arthur. This will definately make him feel better!

He spun around as Lancelot stepped into the room beyond, his face solemn, with the ceremonial mourning cloak swirling behind him .

“Merlin?” Percival called softly , falling in behind him, his eyes rimmed with red, but his voice gentle and soft. The other knights followed them in, wearing matching black clothes and desolate, but compasionate expressions . Even Gwaine had come. He staggered a bit and the sloshing flask in his hand that was definately not his first. But he was here.

“We’ll leave if you’d rather, we just wanted to check on you-” Leon said respectfully as he explored further inside, scanning over the first room .

“No, don’t. Go back- you shouldn’t have to see-” Merlin whispered softly , tears still glittering in his blue orbs. But they didn’t fall, seemingly dispelled by his dread.

They didn’t respond to Merlin, just as Arthur knew they wouldn’t. The dead couldn’t interract with the living.

Gwaine frowned as he glanced over Gaius’s empty bed.

“ Maybe he’s not here?”

Elyan shook his head.

“He has to be, he wasn’t anywhere else. This is the last place we haven’t checked.”

“Merlin? Mate, where-” Gwaine started.

Lancelot’s eyes finally landed on Merlin’s corpse.

“Merlin!?” Lancelot charged across the Infirmary. Throwing Merlin’s door open, crashing to his knees into the blood.

“ What- ” Elyan gasped as their heads snapped after Lancelot.

Time stopped as each knight fought to comprehend the terrible truth.

The crumpled white body of their brother in the scarlet pool.

The guilty dagger still in his rust-stained clutch.

“ Just leave me… go back… Gwen needs you…” Merlin swayed, timeless pain burning in his eyes.

Time slammed to a start.

Percival staggered back, groping for something to support himself before dropping to his shaking knees . Elyan pursed his lips together and shook his head firmly , as though resisting the truth would change it . Leon threw himself across the room, and smashing to Merlin’s other side.

Gwaine’s flask dropped to the ground, splashing it’s contents onto the stone. But he just stood there. His eyes staring unseeingly ahead. Completely vacant.

Lancelot frantically pulled Merlin’s wrist from the red, gasping as he saw the slits.

“Merlin? Merlin, can you hear me?” Leon grabbed his other hand and clasped it tightly, focusing on Merlin’s face as scarlet dripped down his arms.“I’m right here, I need you to stay with me, okay? Gaius is coming, he’ll-” He spun back to the others, his eyes wild behind his Soldier Mask.

“Someone get Gaius! Gwaine!”

But Gwaine didn’t move. His eyes buldged and glassed over.

“Gaius. Too late. Arthur’s dead.” he mumbled.

“Sir Gwaine!”

He didn’t even blink. Arthur had a sinking feeling he couldn’t. Elyan straightened, recognition dawning before he spun and darted for the door.

“Please tell me this isn’t- he didn’t… is he?- ” Percival begged, still kneeling, tears streaking down his face.

“I don’t-” Lancelot swallowed hard, dropping the hand and thrusting his fingers at Merlin’s neck.

Arthur couldn’t look anymore. He couldn’t watch his brothers break.

He spun away from his knights and Merlin’s corpse- but he turned just in time to see Percival crumple.

“No...NO! ” The quiet gentle giant screamed. Dropping to his knees. Bending in agony. “ Not him too…”

“ Merlin… come back… I’ll help you- please….”

Leon slowly bent over Merlin’s corpse, unable to carry the weight of his grief. His silent tears dropping into the red pool.

Gwaine stayed exactly the same. An empty husk with lifeless eyes.

He’d expected their grief to break him. But it didn’t. His heart bristled and hardened as he heard Merlin’s tearful protests.

“No. No. Lancelot- don’t… why are you crying-?”

He wasn’t broken, he realized as he looked up at the reason for their pain.

He was angry.

“What do you expect him to do?! You killed yourself! I died so you would live and you threw it away! ”

Merlin cringed away from him, looking like Arthur had slapped him. But now his blood was boiling and he couldn’t stop as more hard, hateful words spilled out.

“What were you thinking?! You can’t just quit when things hurt- I never would’ve died for you if I’d known it wouldn’t matter! Now they’ve got to bury both of us! How dare you make their pain worse?! I’m sorry you were hurting- I am! But so are they! And they don’t get to quit just because it’s hard! Storms, Merlin! I needed you to protect them! I trusted you! You were supposed to be there-!” Arthur’s mind registered the tears slipping down Merlin’s face and his shouts caught in his throat.

His anger died as quickly as it’d come, drowning under the hot rush of shame.

What had he done?!

Stupid! Stupid! What were you thinking!? He was hurting- so much he thought death was better than living with the pain- how dare you attack him when he’s broken?! How dare you expect more than he could give! He needed your love and you rejected him- blamed him! How dare you treat him like that!

“Merlin-” he tried, forcing his voice to be low and gentle.

“Don’t be sorry.”

Arthur frowned at Merlin’s voice. It was soft and colorless. Completely void of emotion. Completely contradictory to his previous reactions.

“I’m fine.” He wasn’t crying anymore, his eyes glazing over with an emptiness that sent dread writhing in the pit of Arthur’s stomach . His instincts balked at Merlin’s words.

Whatever he was, he was most definately not fine.

“Merlin?” He asked, cautiously stepping forward, the full realization of his servant’s fragileness dawning inside him .

Something was wrong.

“I’m always fine.” He smiled slightly , a blank little thing that sent a terrible realization crashing through Arthur’s whole being .

He’d broken Merlin.

And this was what was left .

***

Arthur perched on the edge of the table in the Infirmary, positioned in the only angle he could look after them all.

Leon guarded the door, clinging desperately to some shred of normalcy to hold him together . But his grief slipped through the cracks. His posture was too tight. His sword hand trembled. His red-rimmed eyes fixed too-determinedly on Merlin’s corpse.

Lancelot sat in the middle of the floor. His clothes still stained with Merlin’s blood. Crying salty droplets onto the untouched paper in his hands. Surrounded by two snapped quills, and dozens of half-started, tear stained letters that all began: Hunith, I regret

Percival sat in a chair in the furthest corner from Merlin, staring down at the ground. Unable to bear looking at him. Unable to bear leaving him. Shaking like a scared child, his tears dropping into Gwaine’s now-empty flask.

Elyan, who had returned from his desperate quest with Gaius in tow, was the only one who could endure actually touching Merlin . He'd moved him to his bed and wiped away the blood. Prepping Merlin for his eventual funeral with a mildly detached look on his face as his mind seperated him from his grief .

Gaius was blissfully asleep on his bed in the corner. The sedatives Leon had crammed down his throat to stop his spiraling hysteria giving him a few precious hours of peace .

Gwaine was gone. He hadn’t said a word after Lancelot pronounced Merlin dead. He’d simply shaken his head as if trying to wake up, turned, and walked out. The violent clanging ringing up from the courtyard gave Arthur an idea of where he’d gone.

Merlin slouched exactly where Arthur had put him. Directly opposite Arthur, pressed against the bookshelf. Staring out into nothing with no emotion.

He watched him the most. He worried about him the most. The way the others grieved he understood. Some of their methods weren’t terribly healthy, but at least they were here.

Merlin was here too, but he wasn’t.

He’d gone to a place Arthur couldn’t find.

And he didn’t know how to bring him back.

So he sat on his table, and watched. Powerless to save any of them. And for the first time since his Father’s death, he prayed for a miracle.

***

He lasted maybe an hour before he came to the logical conclusion that God clearly didn’t care about him.

Then a voice crashed into his head.

Please!

It was raw and desperate and Merlin!

Arthur lurched upright, his hands snatching at empty cloth where a scabbard should be. His eyes snapping over Merlin, hot fear and wild hope flashing inside his heart. But the emotions went cold as his eyes landed on the unchanged husk of his best friend. He closed his eyes against the bitter disapointement and forced his hands away from his side.

He took a deep breath and was just wondering if maybe he’d been too quick to give up on the whole praying thing- when he heard it again:

Arthur, please- can you hear me? He sounded scared now- heartbroken.

Arthur lunged to his feet, because it was him this time- he knew it! His own heart twisted as adrenalin began to pound through him.

“I hear you- I’m here!”

His eyes roved the room, hunting for anything new, but everyone was still exactly where they’d been a moment ago.

Merlin wasn’t here.

But he had to be!

“I can’t find you! Come back, I’ll fix this, I swear!” I’m sorry. I never should have said those things. Come back. I swear I’ll listen this time. Let me in...

I’m not strong enough, it’ll never end… its all my fault! Merlin’s voice broke, disolved into tears and Arthur growled.

“Stay where you are! I’m coming!” He spun around the useless room again, hating himself even as he did. Honestly ! Was he that much of an idiot!? What, did he hope the answer to his stupid prayers would just drop out of the sky?! Life had never been so kind. He had to think his way out.

Think, think, think you idiot!

But how could he save Merlin when he couldn’t find him?!

Please… save me…. It hurts so much

His brother was begging for his help and he was twirling in useless circles!

“I’m trying to find you! Hold on!”

He spun back to his friend and started as he realized Merlin had changed. The previous vacancy in his eyes had faded into burning gold.

He barely registered that Merlin was using magic before the ground ripped away and he dropped into darkness .

He screamed, his stomach leaping to his throat as he plunged down into the empty black.

But then the black screamed back.

Hundreds of terrible, fractured, tortured screams echoing around him- tearing into him- piercing his core .

They were everywhere- seeming to bleed from the darkness itself.

He fell for an enternity.

Just him and the screams.

The sound would haunt him forever. They rattled into his very soul.

Down and down and down he went.

His felt his control threatening to crumble away with every agonizing second.

But he refused to let it go, clinging to it with everything he had left. Clutching his shattered pieces together. He had to stay okay.

Because Merlin needed him.

And he would not let him become another wordless scream in the black!

He would not fail him again.

He repeated this mantra again and again and again, refusing to focus on everything else. Not the screams or the black or the down-

Merlin needed him. He had to stay okay. Merlin needed him. He had to stay-

Then, just as suddenly as he started falling, he stopped, crashing into the ground.

Hard.

Ow.

He was testing his limbs to see if they still worked, when a new scream tore above the others.

It could have been anyone’s scream, but deep in his bones, he knew.

He had to get to him! He scrambled up from the- Arthur stopped, gaping at the... floor?

It was black rock, like obsidian, but not. It was soft-thick ink beneath his feet- alluring and inviting, like he could just sink into it if he wanted, promising safety in its depths...

No! He had to find Merlin!

He snapped his head up, breaking the slippery chains that had been about to pull him to a place the screams promised he didn’t want to see .

His eyes widened impossibly bigger as he took in the rest of the world around him. Everything around him was black, dark shadows of trees touching a night sky without stars. He spun around- maybe it would be different somewhere else- but it was the same on all sides, black pressing in on him from every angle-

How had Merlin wandered here? And if he was strong enough to bring Arthur in, why couldn’t he take himself out? Was he hurt somewhere? Could this black be somehow killing his ...whatever part of him wasn’t dead? Was it the reason Merlin sounded so broken and scared?

He could feel his control slipping again and he locked his panicked thoughts away- Merlin needed him !

Focus, Pendragon! Where is he? He spun around again, searching for any sign of his brightest light in the darkness, but all he could see was the too-still ebony trees .

“Merlin!” He screamed into the screams. He didn’t know what he expected, but it wasn’t for the screams to stop.

But they did.

And for an instant it was suffocatingly silent.

Then they broke free of whatever had held them back and assulted the very world around him even stronger than before .

He cracked, felt his control slip away into the black.

How could he fight against the excruciating screams?

He groaned, his hands going to his ears, wishing it would stop the way their echoes lanced through his head.

Would they never end? They peirced his armour- and left him defensless at their mercy. He couldn’t think in the invading cocaphony of pain. He wanted to cover his ears and slip into the refuge the ground promised. He’d do anything to keep the screams away. How could he possibly find Merlin in this terrible place?!

“Merlin-!” I’m sorry. I tried. I can’t find you. It hurts so bad-

But the voices died.

His was the only echo in the hush.

He stopped, shock tingling through him like an electric spark.

Had he stopped the screams?

“Merlin- I’m here! Where are you?” He waited anxiously , dread pounding in his veins, hands still shoved over his ears, trying to brace himself for the attack when they came back .

But they didn’t.

The world was quiet.

Somehow, in some impossible way, the screams stopped when he talked.

Well, if it was that easy, he could talk more than the idiot clotpole himself.

“Okay, there, isn’t that a bit better? You can probably think now…” He spun around again - because apparently it was all he knew how to do!- Searching the black forest for any change now that the screams were gone. But nothing had changed.. It was just him and the trees.

“...I bet in a few minutes you’d probably be strong enough to get us out of here…” Hope blossomed in his heart at the thought.

That was manageable. Merlin would get them out.

He just had to get to him.

Easy.

“ Just shout out when you hear me, alright?” He started walking in a random direction. It couldn’t be worse then spinning in circles, right?

“Think of it as a game, how’s that? Gwaine’s seek game…” He wasn’t paying much attention to his words. Where was he?

Please… Arthur jolted, scanning around, but he was alone.

Help me… His voice was barely a broken whisper, almost drowned in the opressive still.

“I’m trying! I can’t find you!” Where was he?! He’d brought Arthur to him so why couldn’t he find him!

It’ll never end…. Pain lanced through his heart as questions pounded in his head. What wouldn’t end? The screams were gone! All that was left was the black and of course it was creepy, but it was hardly the worst thing Merlin had faced!

...Right?

He couldn’t fight the terrible twist in his stomach that whispered he was wrong.

All my fault…

“Hang on- I’m almost there!” Lies.

Where was he?!

He was spinning again. Like it worked so well last time! He cursed and roved the dark for the fading whisper.

But there was nothing but black and black and- he stopped, his eyes locked on a flicker.

Surely he’d imagined it, it couldn’t be him…

He charged toward it.

“I’m coming, I see you, I’m coming-”

He didn’t know what he was saying.

He scrambled across the slick ground, refusing to blink in case the glint vanished- he couldn’t lose him again !

He prayed, more desperately then he’d ever prayed before. Please be him. Please be him. Please be him. Because if it wasn’t him, this hell would destroy them both. He didn’t want to be destroyed . Not here. Not in this cold world with no light and no hope and the screams of the haunted as his only memorial-

It was him!

Arthur stopped.

He couldn’t help it. He should have kept moving- Merlin was right there!-But he couldn’t make his legs move.

He could only stare.

A black cloak draped off of him, probably the reason he hadn’t seen him in the dark. Sobs wracked his body as bent under a weight Arthur couldn’t see. His blood red hands fisted against his mouth while his molten eyes swam with tears.

Arthur’s heart went cold.

This wasn’t his Merlin.

It was his lanky body, his too-pale skin, his awkwardly sized ears.

But it was wrong. Wrongwrongwrong-

His Merlin radiated light. Made everyone feel a little better. Wore a flimsy brown jacket and a neckerchief and a stupid smile. The world outside could be chaos and splintering at the seams but Merlin was always strong anyway . But this Merlin wasn’t. His light was gone and his smile was dead and his hands were stained with an impossibility Arthur couldn’t understand .

He wasn’t his Merlin at all.

But that wasn’t what was so wrong.

Because what knocked his breath away, turned his blood to ice, felt so horrorfyingly , impossibly wrong-

Was the terrible sinking feeling that this was the first time he’d ever really seen his Merlin.

The screams started again- infitely worse after the lull of false security- and Merlin flinched, sobbing harder .

Something snapped into place inside Arthur.

This was his Merlin.

And he still needed him.

He ran toward the wrong.

“Merlin-” the screams cut off- his shout echoing through the heavy silence.

“I’m here- I’m here! Look up- I’m coming!”

Merlin didn’t respond.

He ran with everything he had until he was there- Merlin was right there! Right within his reach. Finally! Finally!

His heart swelled with an emotion too complex to define and he dropped to his knees beside his brother.

“I’m here, I’m right here, Merlin” He was close enough to touch- dear God, he’d found him! He could do this.

Merlin still didn’t respond. Transfixed with the ground beneath him as though it was showing him the end of the world.

“Merlin?” He frowned, the wrong feeling creeping into his bones.

No! This was good, this was easy- He’d already died! What more did he have to do before God stopped taunting him?!

Then Merlin spoke.

“ It’s all my fault…”

Arthur froze.

It’s all my fault. Merlin had been saying that all along- but now a terrible realization was settling within him. His head was quiet, with only Merlin’s words crashing through it.

It’s all my fault.

Suddenly it all made sense.

The screams. The memories Merlin thought condemed him.

They weren’t. They were proof of all he’d endured. Arthur knew that. Of course he knew it! This was Merlin!

But he wasn’t so sure anymore.

His blood went cold as a tiny, terrible part of him doubted.

What if it was true? Was he just like those who’d died? Blinded by his trust? It’d happened before.

Again and again. The one crucial mistake he kept making.

Father’s soft smile.

Hours hunting in the woods.

The proud glint in his eyes when he thought Arthur couldn’t see.

Morgana’s cheeky retorts.

Training in the early mist.

Her laugh as he stood in stocks for her schemes.

He’d known they were innocent! Defended them and fought for them and loved them!

But she’d hunted and broken everyone he cared about chasing a crown.

And he’d killed his mother and slaughtered thousands of innocents for his actions.

Even his beloved Guinevere had betrayed him.

But no-! No! Merlin wasn’t like them! He was the one he could always count on! The one he’d always trusted! Through every war and accident and argument and betrayal- he’d always trusted Merlin!

But what if that was his biggest mistake?

Someone had made those people scream.

It’s all my fault!

No- no! He shook his head feircly , fighting against the ugly doubt. Pull yourself together, you idiot! He’s Merlin! You married Guinevere even though she broke your heart! He’s never betrayed you! You trusted people who didn’t deserve it! At least trust the one who does! This was Merlin. Merlin! If anyone had earned the opportunity to break his heart, it was Merlin.

The man who’d always stayed when he didn’t have to. When everyone else left.

The man who bravely marched to battle by his side in only his stupid neckercheif and coat.

The man who didn’t know the point of respecting kings or the virtue of silence.

The man who’d always dragged him out of his misery and forced him to keep going when everything else was dark and hopeless .

The man who never stopped, as though he couldn’t let himself.

The man with the lost look in his eyes when he thought no one could see.

The man who plastered a smile across his face whenever something was wrong- so big and so thin.

The man who slowly became a hollow ghost of pale fragilty.

Because he thought it was all his fault.

That was it. The crux of it all. The last piece in a puzzle he finally understood.

All the Night-Living nights he’d just wanted to stand sentry by the doors of the people he loved.

All the Night-Living nights Arthur had found him accidentally aiming a sword at his heart.

Not an accident.

Because Merlin cried every time someone got hurt.

Because Merlin was always willing to throw his life away if it meant someone else would live.

And that realization sent a single convictions burned through Arthur’s entire being.

Merlin was innocent.

And now it was finally Arthur’s turn to save him.

“Merlin-” the screams ebbed away.

“I don’t understand-” I do. I finally do. I’m so sorry it took so long.

“What are these shadows? Why is it so black? Why are the voices screaming- what happened to them?” Please talk to me.

He tasted his tears. Please. I’m here. I’ll listen.

Merlin wept.

The realization broke his heart.

He reached out- moving to pull his brother into his arms but Merlin recoiled, his blurry blue pools snapping to Arthur and widening in horror .

Don’t touch me!

“ Please, Arthur, I don’t want to hurt you- not again! I’m sorry your here, I shouldn’t have brought you here. You were safe and I dragged you-  I’m so sorry. Go back. Please... Go back.”

Are you insane!? White- hot emotion flooded through Arthur’s veins. Maybe it was anger. Maybe fear.

“I’m not leaving you here!”

Merlin shook his head fiercly , his biting sobs tearing through Arthur’s heart as he continued on, begging desperately .

“This is my Hell, not yours! I shouldn’t have brought you here- I’m so sorry! You never deserved the burden of my sins. Like killing you wasn’t bad enough! Go back!”

“No! I’m here. I won’t ever leave you again.” I’m the one whose sorry, Merlin-

“No! You have to go before you can’t-”

“You called me here! You begged me to come and it took me forever to find you and I’m here! I won’t leave you- come with me!” Please Merlin! Just listen to me!

But Merlin just kept splintering apart.

“I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t- It just hurt so much … and their screams… No! I don’t mean that. I never should have asked you to come. It was more of my selfish cruelty. This is what I deserve.”

He had to tell him- listening wasn’t working!- he had to make he see-

“Merlin- this isn’t some punishment for your sins-”

Merlin shook his head, sobbing harder.

“Do you hear me? Nothing you’ve done could ever warrent this-”

Merlin exploded.

“I killed them! Don’t you see!? I’m not good like you!”

“No, Merlin, your so much better-”

“I guilted them into thinking I was a victim- an innocent who needed protecting from the demons. And when they went to save me because they were so pure and good and blind that they trusted me! They trusted me! And I stole everything from them! Their hopes and futures- their lives! And the worst part is I didn’t stop myself. I knew what I was doing-And I kept killing . I should’ve killed myself years ago- Then you’d still be alive! Your screams are here too, Arthur. Can’t you hear them?!”

“Merlin, stop! I’m not screaming- I’m talking beside you. Just talking-”

“I can’t hear you scream anymore! Go back-forget about me, please! You can’t redeem me!”

“You don’t need redemption!”

“Don’t you get it?! The same magic that killed your mother pulses in my veins! The same magic the flows through the dragon that slaughtered half your kingdom flows through me! The same magic that corrupted Morgana lives in me! I am just like them!”

“No, you aren’t!” Why won’t you listen to me!

“I’m a Monster , Arthur! Why won’t you see that! I lied to you! Every good thing you think I ever did I did because I was scared you’d see the bodies behind me and kill me. I was a coward! I could’ve ended it! But I let myself hurt and break and kill again and again and again-” Arthur couldn’t take it anymore. His heart couldn’t break anymore. He snapped.

“SHUT UP!”

Merlin flinched, his swimming eyes widening and for the first time since he had stumbled into Arthur’s service all those years ago, he obeyed .

That was Arthur’s signal to stop shouting.

But he couldn’t.

“ Just shut up- okay! If you really believe any of that then you really are an idiot! Because I was an idiot! I was wrong! Magic isn’t evil- it can’t be because you have it -”

Merlin’s shook his head, his tears overspilling but Arthur cut him off before he could interject, his voice trembling as he shoved on .

“No- no, I told you to shut up! An evil man wouldn’t have saved some arrogant stranger who'd only been cruel- wait …”

Understanding slapped him across the face.

Of course! How hadn’t he realized?!

“You used magic! When you first saved me! You used your magic!”

“I told you-” Merlin whispered brokenly .

“Everything was lie-”

But Arthur didn’t hear him.

He’d used magic in front of Uther.

“You used magic to save me, knowing that if you were caught you’d be killed .” Arthur felt his blood drain out of his head, leaving him lightheaded as the full impact of his realization slammed into him .

Merlin had risked his life to save a stranger who’d treated him like scum.

How many times had he done that? Put his life on the line for theirs? And how many times would they have died if he hadn’t saved them? Pain sharper than anything Arthur had ever felt lanced through his heart as tears stung his eyes.

How could the kindest of them all think he was a monster?

“Merlin,” he tried but his voice broke.

He cleared his throat, forcing himself to continue. “I have never met a man as good as you.”

Merlin stiffened, his uncomprehending eyes slowly lifting to meet Arthur’s.

Arthur didn’t notice. He was too busy fighting against his emotions as realizations poured out of his mouth.

“It was you all along! All those times we never should have survived-! Valient… the Undead… Eledore... All the rocks and trees that fell at just the right times. The Questing beast’s bite, the dragon, the potions you made just happening to have the right ‘rare herb’ to save us. The ball of light that led me out of the cave!- We’d be dead hundreds of times over without you! And you lived every minute terrified we’d kill you if we knew-”

Every day he stood by Arthur’s side, smiling , as Arthur’s hatred for everything he was twisted him- broke him - until he believed every heinous word .

“ Merlin. You were-” He couldn’t continue.

Arthur had only cried twice since he was nine summers old. Once when Morgana betrayed him. Once when Father died.

But now hot tears streaked down his cheeks.

“-Every day you gave everything you had for us -every day- thinking you deserved to die as you made our lives worth living .”

Merlin gasped, raggedly . Breaking.

Arthur reached out- he couldn’t stop himself- But when he hand touched Merlin’s shoulder, he only cried harder, curling in on himself . 

“I’m so sorry, Merlin. You weren’t the monster.” Merlin let out a strangled whimper and launched himself into Arthur’s open arms. Bleeding broken, terrible sobs.

Arthur clung to him.

They cried together.

“You weren’t… you weren’t, I promise...you were the brightest, kindest, bravest, best man I will ever know... Not because of your magic or despite it- you , Merlin. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. I’m sorry I hurt you.” Merlin latched to his shirt, sobbed his heart in to it with drops of hidden pain and raw grief .

Arthur let his heart out too. Words instead of tears.

“I’m sorry I made you feel this-” He couldn't say it. He'd said it before. But now he knew Merlin's suicide was his failure and it stuck in his throat like a rock.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Merlin blubbered through his sobs because he was Merlin.

But it was Arthur’s fault.

Maybe if I’d been enough… if I’d known… if I’d listened! If I hadn’t always laughed at him and turned everything into stupid cruel jokes- No!

He couldn’t go down that road of guilt.

It was the road Merlin had taken and he’d drowned without Arthur ever knowing.

Merlin trembled against him and a tiny spark of hope lit in Arthur battered heart.

He’d let Merlin wander a path he couldn’t escape from.

But now he was here. In his arms.

And maybe now he could finally find him.

“-And for what I said earlier. I didn’t mean it… It doesn’t matter that you couldn’t stay- I would have died for you anyway.” Again and again, even knowing it ended with both of them dead and broken because-

“Why?" Merlin whispered.

“Because you’re the only brother I have and I couldn’t bear to lose you.”

I love you.

Merlin started crying again.

But the scarlet on his hands had faded away.

And the black had warmed to a dark gray.

They stayed there for a long while.

Maybe forever.

But eventually Merlin’s tears stopped.

And when they did a white abruptly popped into existance above them bathing them in a soft white glow. It jolted them from their thoughts and tears and they flinched away from it. Sheilding their eyes, but not daring to look away in case it vanished and left them in the dark again. It didn’t seem to plan to abandon them though, it drifted down to ground, growing steadily brighter. Arthur blinked his eyes rapidly, trying to get his eyes to adapt. Merlin gasped, his body locking against Arthur’s. Arthur frowned, instinctivly tightening his hold on Merlin. He wouldn’t let anything hurt him again!

“Freya?” Merlin begged desperately , childlike hope glinting in his eyes.

Freya? The light was a Freya?

“What’s a Freya - ” But before he could even finish the question, Merlin wrenched out of his grip, charging across the not-obsidian ground to the light . Arthur launched to his feet, blinking as a woman with long dark hair stepped out of the light. A smile split across her face as Merlin crashed into her- crushing her against him.

Arthur’s head spun as he tried to keep up with the sudden twist.

She had to be dead. She was touching Merlin. But when had he fallen in love?! And why hadn’t he told Arthur when she died?!

For they were obviously lovers- they clung to each other like the other was their whole world.

“Freya… Freya…. You’re here… You’re here! I’m so sorry- ” Merlin’s voice caught and new tears glistened in his eyes.

Arthur’s heart fell- No! He’s made so much progress- This ‘Freya’ couldn’t just appear and unravel it all!

But then she spoke, killing Arthur’s fears before they could even fester.

“I’m here- I’m right here, shut up, Merlin-”

Oh.

Arthur could grow to like this girl.

Her hand reached up, wiping away his escaping tears, cradling his cheek. He nuzzled into it- needed it - as more tears fell.

“But if I hadn’t-” She cut him off again, her voice gentle and warm.

“Shush. If you hadn’t rescued me I would’ve died believing I was the monster-” The familiarity struck him and realization dawned .

Oh. She had magic too. That’s why he didn’t tell you.

“- You saved me and I am eternally greatful.”

“ I missed you so much… ” In response she leaned up to him, pressing her lips against his. He gasped softly , more tears spilling down his cheeks. Then he smiled.

Warmth flooded Arthur’s body, swelling through his veins, healing his broken heart.

Merlin smiled. A real Merlin smile.

“Hi…” he said softly , still smiling.

She smiled too, but hers was tinged with a sadness that sent a spark of worry worming through Arthur.

No. Merlin’s smiling. Things are going to be okay!

“Merlin…” Both Arthur and Merlin heard the tremble in her voice. Merlin’s eyes snapped up to hers, clouding with worry, his smile sliding off his face. Arthur’s heart sunk like a rock to the pit of his stomach.

“It’s not yet your time to go.”

Merlin frowned, his brows furrowing.

But Arthur’s heart soared, Merlin could go back! - No! Merlin was dead, it wasn’t possible… But hope began to blossom where the rock had been.

“I don’t understand. It’s not my time to go where?”

Freya reached out and took his hands, holding them tightly in hers.

“Albion still needs you. Your friends still need you.” She smiled softly . “You get to go back.”

Yes! Euphoria charged under Arthur’s skin. Thank you, God!  Merlin got another chance! He got to go back! Live the life his grief had stolen from him! Find out who he was when he didn’t have to live in fear. Arthur had never in his life felt happier for another person then he did in this moment.

Merlin would finally get everything he’d always deserved!

Excitement sparked in Merlin’s eyes as he understood.

“We get to go back? Freya, marry me-!”

Arthur felt his own excitement die. His newly healed heart shuddered as he realized Merlin still didn’t understand.

Merlin thought-

“I know the Infirmary’s cramped, but I can build a house, Arthur’ll give me the money-” Merlin glanced back at Arthur and grinned, lancing Arthur’s heart in two .

“And it can be right by the lake, we can get a couple of cows-”

“Merlin-” Arthur started because the poor girl’s eyes were filling with tears and her lips trembled as she tried to restrain her rising sadness, but Merlin waved him off . Heartbreakingly oblivious.

“In a minute, I’m trying to propose,” he turned back to her, tightening his hold on her hands. “I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I still… I still have a lot of problems… but I promise I’ll take care of you. And Arthur’s repealed the ban, you’ll be safe- wait, why are you crying?” Merlin stopped abruptly , noticing her tears for the first time. He frowned, the joy in his eyes dying as doubt clouded in. He stepped closer, untangling one hand from hers and brushing her tears away. She leaned into the touch as desperately as he had only a couple minutes ago.

“It sounds beautiful, Merlin.” She whispered, smiling through her tears. Arthur’s heart ached as he realized that Merlin had fallen in love with a woman with a heart as golden as his own.

“Of course I accept. But now isn’t the right time.”

“I know it’s soon, but we’ve waited so long-” He continued, his voice wary.

She shook her head, opening her mouth, but Arthur cut her off, unable to make her say it.

“Merlin, we aren’t going back. We’re dead.”

“So am I-”

But Freya shook her head, more tears streaking down her cheeks, her voice gentle despite her pain.

“You can’t die, Merlin. You'r e made of magic.” Arthur didn’t understand why that mattered, but he shoved his confusion away. It didn’t matter how Merlin could go back. Only that he could.

Merlin shook his head, stubborn as always.

“No. That doesn’t make sense- you have magic, and Arthur was born of it. Let’s go back and-”

“No, Merlin.” She shook her head too. “It’s not the same. You are magic. You’ll live as long as the magic does.”

“ No… ” Merlin whispered, still shaking his head desperately , eyes filling with tears.

“Then… I’ll bring you back- both of you-” he looked wildly over at Arthur, as though expecting him to agree.

Arthur wanted too. Merlin could probably even do it. Bring them back. But what would it cost? The balance of the world wouldn’t let them go back without someone else taking their place. And Merlin was just stupid enough that Arthur didn’t have to doubt whose life he’d barter.

And Arthur wouldn’t lose any more family to that trap.

Arthur shook his head.

Merlin clenched his jaw.

“Fine. Then I won’t go back.”

“Merlin, don’t be silly-”

Arthur spoke over her, hating to interrupt her when she was trying so hard. But Merlin would argue until he was blue in the face unless he had a real purpose.

“Morgana’s still out there.”

Merlin froze.

Then, slowly , unwillingly, he looked over to meet Arthur’s eyes.

Arthur hated manipulation. A King should never make anyone do something they didn't want too because he was more powerful. But this was Merlin's life on the line. And had no regrets pulling the dirtiest trick in the book if it meant he'd have another chance-

“She’s still there and now that I’m dead she’ll be coming for Camelot. And your the only one strong enough to stop her.

“But I’m not strong enough to live alone again! I don’t - I can’t! -” His eyes were wild now, filling with tears,  “ I’m not enough… ”

“Merlin, no-” She started, but Arthur interrupted her again, instinct taking over his sense of propriety .

“Merlin, look at me.” He commanded as he crossed the distance between them, Merlin’s lost sobs pulling him over without his consent . He reached out and grabbed the man’s shoulders, firmly prying him away from Freya’s grasp and pulling him into a tight embrace . Merlin shuddered against him, his tears splashing onto Arthur’s neck. Arthur tighten his hold, like if he could just hold him tight enough he could take his pain away .

“Listen to me.” He whispered into Merlin’s ear, his voice rough as he fought back tears of his own. “You. Are. Enough. You always have been. You are strong enough and brave enough and good enough and I don’t ever want you to change.” A single tear escaped. He growled and held Merlin impossibly tighter.

He had to understand!

“Do you hear me? I want you to always be you. It’s enough, Merlin, I promise it is.”

And for the second time in a matter of hours, Arthur and Merlin clung to each other and cried.

They stayed like that for an eternity that was forever too short to say goodbye to everything they’d become together . But eventually they pulled strength from the other and they parted. Merlin turned to Freya and pulling her close, whispering fervent promises to her as his tears fell down like rain . She kissed him, it was sweet and passionate and infinantly shorter than either of them deserved .

But Time didn’t care what they deserved and a door-way of white light appeared behind him.

“Marry me?” He begged desperately , just loud enough for Arthur to hear.

“I’ll be waiting.” She promised as she pulled back and let him go.

Merlin nodded hard, taking a step away from them. Then another. Until he stood by the glowing door-way.

He tore his gaze away from her, his eyes darting to Arthur’s, waiting for a reason to stay.

“Go on.” Arthur said. “We’ll be okay.”

Merlin nodded, trying to believe it.

Then he turned and walked into the light.

After a long moment, shouts echoed in from the world beyond.

“He moved!”

“Elyan, please… not now…”

“No- I’m not cra- he did it again! ”

“Elyan, why don’t you take a- he’s moving! ”

“Sir Lancelot, that's enough- Merlin!”

“Merlin- can you hear me-”

“I found a pulse!”

"Gaius! Gaius! Wake up-"

“ He’s alive! ”

Arthur smiled.

They’d all be okay.

Then he took Freya’s arm and they walked into a light of their own.

***

Merlin’s hands trembled so violently he nearly dropped it. His pulse thrummed through him so hard he could barely breath.

It might not work. It might not work. And even if it does- he’s happy. I shouldn’t take that away.

This was selfish. Selfish and wrong. He should go back. Let Arthur have his peace. Arthur deserved peace.

But he missed him so much.

And to see him just one more time-

Before he could talk himself out of it, Merlin blew the horn.

Instantly white light filtered around him, washing away his anxiety and leaving him only with a fragile hope .

Please, please, just one more time- he closed his eyes because suddenly he couldn’t bear to look.

What if he didn’t come?

Then a voice as familiar as his heartbeat swore.

“It’s about time! I was starting to think you’d die of old age before you thought of this!”

***

Merlin flipped through the new book with the golden spirals etched into the cover. Passing pages of scrawled notes and reminders and letters to the first blank one he could find. He dipped his quill into the ink and, after pausing for a moment, began.

Dear Freya,

Hi.

I hope your doing well. I know your in Heaven so the chances of things not being well are probably slim, but I’m me so I still worry. You probably expected that though, anyway.

Not much has changed since my last letter.

The Kingdom is recovering well from Morgana’s invasion. Magic makes the repairs much easier. And you’ll be pleased to know that she’s happy and healthy too. Her magic is continuing to grow and her impish escapdes are causing problems across the whole castle. But she has the whole town wrapped around her finger, so don’t worry about that. She’ll make a good queen someday. Mordred keeps pestering me about lowering the entrance age for the school so she’ll stop accidentally setting his robes on fire. I still think three’s too young to teach her with the others. But in the interest of preventing a member of the council’s continued nudity, I’m going to teach her the water spell. But other then the occasional magical mishap their both happier than I’ve ever seen them.

Fatherhood looks good on Mordred. I’m glad. They both deserve this.

Gwen’s okay. She misses Arthur, of course. I wish she could see him too. But she says she can feel him when he’s near her. She doubts herself more than she should. But she’s so strong. And she’s learned to be happy again. Morgana’s helped with that the most out of any of us, I think. They’re already almost as close as they were. The others are okay too.

Leon’s knights are doing well- especially the newest recruit, Lady Kay- I thought you’d like that, Freya. He’s been caught talking with a pretty druid girl a few times and Gwaine swears he can hear the wedding bells coming. Speaking of, Gwaine’s mostly the same. His smiles are a little less these days and he drinks a little more than he used too, but he’s finally stopped blaming himself. We’ve had a few good conversations we both needed.

I think he’ll be happy again someday.

Lancelot is good, as noble as ever. Some days he’s the only rock holding us up.

And Percival is still as kind as always. He’s been growing his hair recently. It looks strange. Leon sent him and Elyan on a mission to free the captive magical Camelotian’s in the slave circles. Elyan and his wife are doing well. She and Gwen are good company for each other and Gwen suspects they might have a happy announcement soon. But you know how excited Gwen gets with these things.

Mum’s still perfect. She’s head of the village now and the harvest is good this year.

Gaius is the same as he always is, except older. He’s training Mordred to take his place and healing suits him. He’s started to talk about passing on the torch, but we’re all reluctant. I don’t want to loose him. Sometimes I wish I could be his apprentice again. But my students need me and I couldn't give them up for anything in the world.

They're amazing, Freya. Their magic is so pure- their excitment makes me feel like I have a purpose again. And the moment when their apprehension and fears die -when they realize that they're free- I’ll never forget those moments. I can’t ever thank Arthur enough.

I suppose this is the part where I say that I’m fine.

I want too. I do sometimes. When the others ask.

I know- I know- I don’t have to guess what you’d say to that.

I’m working on it.

But sometimes I just don’t have the words to tell them why I still cry when I see strawberries. Or why my smile dies when I look to me side and your not there. Or how the voices come back on those ugly nights when the void is blackest. The voices that say this is my fault. Or that I’ll never be happy again. Or that I’ll always be alone.

Or that they’d be better off without me.

It’s those nights that I miss you the most.

Dear God, sometimes it’s so dark.

Sometimes I wonder how I’ll survive without you.

But I promise you- I swear on your life and everything you mean to me-

I will never give into the void.

I don’t know if it will ever give up on me.

But I do know that there is always light.

Because when it’s blackest and all hope is gone- Arthur’s always there.

And he helps me hold on until a tiny flicker comes.

Laughter echoing in the halls, a rainbow behind the clouds, billions of guiding stars, a bird’s song.

Gaius’s safe hugs. Mordred’s soft smiles. My students’ bubbling innocence. Gwen’s kind reminders. The Knight’s constant support. Mother’s letters. Morgana’s giggles. They’re not always enough to drive away the void or the voices.

But they’re always just enough to remind me that there is happiness beyond the dark.

They can’t take away the pain.

But they give me hope that it’s not forever.

Don’t get too excited- I’m not fine.

I’m still broken. And I don’t know how to fix me. I don’t even know if it’s possible.

But for the first time in a long time, I have hope.

And I think that’s enough.

You mean more to me than anything else in the world.

Thank you for being the only one who found me when I was lost.

You saved me. I promise to spend till my dying breath trying to make everything you gave me worth it.

I can’t wait for the day I get to see you again.

I love you.

Forever and Always.

Merlin set the quill into the ink bottle and closed the journal with a finality that felt fitting.

He looked up to see Arthur waiting patiently , leaning against Gaius’s work table.

He smiled at him, a real one. It felt good.

“You coming to work with me today?”

Arthur snorted.

“Someone’s got to keep your scrawny backside safe.”

And he did.