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It was just after sunset, still several miles from the outskirts of Warsaw, when Harry and Neil stopped for a rest break during recon of the railway lines for the upcoming sabotage operation.
Late September evenings dropped slow, but cold in Poland, and they were too close to the tracks to light a fire without being noticed from a passing train. They sat just inside the treeline, eating rations of bread and cheese. Harry radioed the Camp to update their progress with the Home Army while Neil used the rest of the waning light to file notches into bullet cartridges to replenish the ammunition for their Lugers.
Harry finished the check-in first. He closed down his radio set, then sat on a patch of dried leaves with arms round his knees and jacket cuffs pulled over his hands. He tried not to shiver with the dipping temperature. For a few minutes he watched Neil work across from him. Neil took an intact cartridge from the open ammo box, filed a notch into the tip, then methodically lined up each finished bullet on the box lid like a little toy soldier. And Harry wondered.
“Ever think about when the war ends, when we’re finished here? What you’ll do after?” Harry asked, when Neil had fifteen of them queued up.
Neil paused briefly, blinked, then picked up the last cartridge to be filed down. “Gotta finish the mission first before I think that far ahead,” he said quietly.
Oh crap. Heart sinking, Harry looked away, certain he’d offended him. How could he have forgotten? “Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean – ” he began.
“It’s all right,” Neil said. “It’s good to have plans, Harry. Something to look forward to. Something better, that’s what we’re fighting for, eh?”
Harry turned back; Neil’s gaze on him was sober, but not accusing. “Yeah,” Harry answered, relieved.
Neil bent his head to focus on filing the last cartridge. “So go on. What’re your plans then?”
“Gonna go back to U of T, finish my chem-physics degree,” Harry said. At Neil’s quizzical look he clarified, “University of Toronto. I was halfway through second year when Sinclair recruited me. Then I’ll probably get my Ph.D. and do research after that. Or teach. Maybe both.”
“Professor Harry James,” Neil said. “Has a nice ring to it.”
Harry smiled shyly. “Yeah, it does.”
Neil passed him eight newly-notched cartridges to insert into his gun. Harry placed them into the magazine, each one clicking into place, and secured the gun in the back of his trousers.
“What are you gonna do when we’re done?” Harry asked. “If you don’t mind me asking?”
Neil laid his file and freshly-filled Luger on his thigh, rested his head against the tree trunk behind him, and looked up at the twilight sky for a moment, focusing on the stars just waking up above them. “Don’t know yet,” he said at last. “Go back to England I suppose. Fetch Mags from the orphanage in Northallerton. Figure out something from there.”
Harry started at that and peered at him sharply. “Wait, who’s Mags?” The first day the team had met in training at the Camp, during introductions, Neil had told everyone the Blitz wiped out his whole family. As far as he knew, anyway. Neil had never talked about it since, at least not to him.
“My niece.”
Harry realized he still must have looked dumbfounded, because Neil added, in a tone patient for him, “Mags Cleary. She’s eight,” as if that explained everything about why he’d never mentioned her before.
“Wow. You have a secret niece,” Harry said, incredulous. “And no one else knows? Aurora, Sinclair?”
“Nope. I’d rather like to keep it that way.” Neil shot him a pointed look.
Harry nodded. “Sure. But – I don’t get it. Why an orphanage? I mean, when you coulda stayed home all this time to take care of her. You never had to fight, you coulda got a discharge on compassionate grounds anytime you wanted, but you’re here. She’s all you have, why leave her alone with strangers?”
“Wasn’t a choice, Harry,” Neil replied heavily. “I was in no shape to care for anyone at the time. Let alone a kid. But I had to do something after. I had to fight. Reckoned the orphanage was safest for her.”
Harry thought of the look on Siobhan’s face just before she stepped off the curb one last time, of Tom on the lonely rocks at Dieppe; of what he might have done in Neil’s place, and he nodded again in understanding.
They fell quiet for a bit in the falling dusk, the only noise being the rustle of leaves above them. Harry still couldn’t quite believe what he’d just heard. Though it did explain a couple things, especially how Neil treated him sometimes. He wondered again. “So you’re a dad,” Harry ventured.
At that, Neil raised a disbelieving eyebrow, opened his mouth as if to say something, then pursed his lips and shook his head as if thinking better about it.
Harry continued quickly, “I mean, not a dad biologically, you’re an uncle. But you’re a father figure, and I guess that’s sort of the same thing.”
Neil snorted at that. “A rubbish one, maybe,” he said wryly.
“You were doing the best you could,” Harry said, “and when this is over you’ll get a second chance to make it right.”
Neil didn’t answer. Instead he stuffed his Luger into the waistband of his trousers, closed the ammo box, replaced the file into its lock-picking kit, and returned both to his rucksack. Harry sighed and turned his face to the sky. Most of the stars were visible now, and he could pick out Mars and Saturn by eye. True, they were in slightly different positions in the sky compared to home in Toronto, but –
“You know, you and Mags could come to Canada,” Harry offered. It wasn’t planned, but as he spoke it aloud he felt certain it was the right thing to say.
Neil stared at him outright, completely taken aback, but Harry pretended not to notice. “You can immigrate,” he continued, “I can sponsor you. I’ll get an apartment on my own, and you and Mags can stay with me til you’re settled. Even if you don’t live in Toronto after, Canada’s a big country, there’ll be lots of jobs anywhere you go. And Mags’ll be way safer in Canada than in England.”
You’ll be safer too, he added to himself. He watched Neil out of the corner of his eye. Neil was speechless, his eyes blinking rapidly as he processed it.
“That’s a hell of an offer,” Neil said carefully after a long moment. “You’d do that for us?”
“It’s the least I can do.” Harry shrugged. “I mean, you don’t have to decide right now, but think about it, anyway?”
Neil’s face softened. “Maybe.”
They were quiet for several more minutes. Harry turned his face up to look at the heavens through the trees a second time, searching for his favourite constellations since childhood. Which hadn’t been all that long ago, he mused...
“Can I ask you a favour, Harry?”
Harry startled from his reverie, turned towards Neil again who was now almost completely shrouded in shadow. “Yeah, of course.”
“If anything happens, and I don’t make it--”
“Don’t say that,” Harry said, trying hard but failing to squelch a note of sudden panic. He couldn’t imagine Neil not lasting the mission. He shook his head fervently. “If anyone’s gonna survive this and go home it’s you.”
“If I don’t make it back,” Neil repeated, ignoring him, “I’ll need someone to look out for Mags.” Harry opened his mouth to protest again, but Neil went further, “Listen, I’m – I’m not asking you to adopt her or anything like that. Not gonna ask you to change your plans. Just – make sure she’s taken care of for me. See that she goes to good people who’ll love her. And let her know I love her too.”
It was Harry’s turn to be speechless. He knew nothing about kids, except having been one himself; he knew less about little girls, and he wouldn’t even know where to start being a guardian. Neil should really be asking Sinclair or Aurora or even Alfred to look after Mags, not him, he thought, and he almost, almost refused on the spot.
But then it hit him. Neil wouldn’t even bother to ask if he thought he wasn’t up to it. And realizing what Neil was trusting him with, Harry forced down a rising lump of emotion.
“Will you do that for me, Harry?” Neil asked. His eyes were over-bright in the dark.
Harry nodded. “Yeah. I’ll make sure she’s okay,” he said thickly, “I promise.”
Neil nodded, and his own voice sounded a bit rough at the edges. “Thank you.”
Harry then cleared his throat, and added, “But you can tell Mags yourself you love her when you see her again.”
Neil grinned and huffed at that. “Fair enough.”
Harry tried, but failed, to stifle a yawn. Neil squinted at his watch. “It’s seven-thirty. We’ll leave here at nine-thirty,” he said. “You should get some sleep in the meantime. No need for both of us to keep awake.”
“I’m too cold to sleep right now,” Harry admitted. “I’ll be okay.” At which he promptly yawned again, and Neil rolled his eyes.
“I don’t need you passing out on your bloody feet tonight,” Neil said. He patted the ground beside him. “Come here,” he added gruffly.
Harry rose, then sat down beside him against the trunk and took off his glasses. Sitting beside Neil was like sitting beside a fire, and within minutes he began to warm up. As he did his eyelids grew heavy; and yeah, a nap seemed like a great idea right now. He leaned his head against Neil’s shoulder and felt himself drift. The last thing he remembered before nodding off was Neil slipping his arm around him, and his voice murmuring, “Something to look forward to.”