Chapter Text
The entirety of the Commander's first week awake after the destruction of the reapers was, and is still, a total blur to him. The sudden recollection of what had happened hit him before he could see or hear at all, but he relived it vividly before blacking out. After that, he couldn't remember anything up until he heard a distinct, familiar voice; a gravelly and comforting set of tones broke through the din of fuzziness from sedatives. He couldn't open his eyes and didn't know if it was because of swelling or being sealed shut to recover, and movement was next to impossible. There was a brief warmth on his cheek that accompanied the voice.
Shepard knew he was in recovery, and did not expect to be here.
Shepard expected a clean death, a meaningful and definite end to his trials. He shouldn't be breathing, but even though he had always been told he was a fighter, no one should have the privilege of escaping an end to life this many times, especially when so many had perished. He briefly thought of the kid who tried to sign up with the gangs on Omega before he busted the kid's gun so he wouldn't chase death. He wondered if he had died anyway because of the reapers.
When he forced his exhausted and agonized body toward the chamber he was firing at, Shepard thought of Anderson, who had expressed his pride of the soldier Shepard had become, of Thane and Mordin who offered up their lives to do what needed to be done... and of Kaidan. His heart broke when he thought of the man Kaidan was and had transformed into, and was deeply saddened that he would not be able to see who he would become. Shepard wanted to witness all of Kaidan's accomplishments and wanted to watch him rise into greatness in the world... and also the little things. The way he needed to lay to fall asleep. What his favorite flavor of ice cream was. If he liked to shower before bed, or after waking up.
Before the last bullet left his pistol, he wondered what Kaidan's favorite color was.
When his jaw and mouth would finally cooperate with him, Shepard asked whoever was in the room what had happened. The same gravelly voice which had provided him comfort answered him, only this time without as much of the haze from painkillers clouding his perception.
“Kaidan?”
“Shepard, I'm here. Don't over-exert yourself.”
Kaidan filled in as many blanks as he could during bits and pieces of time spent with Shepard while not being attended to by doctors who needed the hospital room clear. Kaidan told him the doctors said the medic who found him in the pile of rubble and ashes must have worked some extreme act of divinity with his medi-gel rations for Shepard to even make it to the hospital in one piece, that when he arrived, he was almost reduced to meat and tubes again.
“When Cerberus found you, they had millions of credits to pour into your regneration, and you pulled through even after being spaced and declared clinically brain dead. Miranda sent the surgeons her documents on the Lazarus Project, and they used the information to work whatever miracles they could. Shepard... if I were as religious as Ash was, I would think that someone was looking out for you. Or maybe that you're just too damn stubborn.”
Shepard could hear the smile in Kaidan's voice. He was grateful Shepard was alive, and Shepard was grateful that he could hear the one person's voice he needed so badly after the nightmare that had lingered from the memories of seeing Kaidan almost crushed by a flipped vehicle. He remembered having Kaidan's jaw cradled in his left hand as he told Kaidan he loved him.
Shepard felt his cheek being cradled by the same warmth he remembered from before. “I got this for you.” Kaidan shook the surprise softly to give a clue as to what it was. It sounded like bits of plastic in a cardboard box. “You'll find out what it is when the doctors think your eyes have fully healed.”
There was a comfortable silence that followed, accompanied by the muted beeps from a heart monitor. Shepard was relishing every moment he had with Kaidan as much as he could. Before he had activated the Crucible, Shepard had tried to squeeze in every moment he could with the man without making it seem... rushed. The pressure of the reaper deadline didn't help. A few meals here, quick armor-on-armor brushes there. Even though he clearly remembered the night before Ilos, he wanted to leave Kaidan way out, just in case. And then, he came up to Shepard's cabin for a 'quick drink' before their final return to Earth, and all of the carefully built barriers came crashing down.
“It- it's going to be what it is” Kaidan had said. And he was right. It wasn't perfect, and there hadn't been enough times with just the two of them alone together to make Shepard feel like the perfect time would come soon. The pressure of the final fight against the reapers had compressed his already short duration with Kaidan, so he gave in. And it was wonderful. He knew that if he died in the last push, he'd have no regrets other than having to leave the major, his fellow biotic, and the paramount love of his entire existence behind.
The survivor's guilt began to wash away. He suddenly wanted to communicate everything he was presently thinking to the one man who mattered, but all he could muster was a pained smile, and a simple sentence.
“Kaidan, I'm so glad you're here.”
“I'll be right here as long as the doctors don't kick me out. I've got clearance to stay overnight, too. I probably won't be able to leave you alone for a while. The last time you left me was a little traumatic.” He laughed softly. The smile in is voice cut through Shepard's hazy state of awakening, and it was all he could concentrate on.
Shepard felt his brain slowing down, his thoughts repeated Kaidan's voice over and over in his head, but there were no distinct words articulated through the voice. His mind fell into a vaccuum, nowhere for thoughts to stand on. There was no language. He grasped through the smothering black for an idea, a word, anything to pull on to escape. He felt his eyes roll to the right, and he felt reverberations shoot from his head down to his arms, through his torso, and down his legs. Uncontrollable movements racked his body, his eyes so far up and to the side in their sockets that pain came flooding though the sedatives. There were no words, only convulsions, and pushing, the constant pushing of his eyes and then his implant trying to escape, to push through the barriers of his skull. He barely heard someone forcefully tell a major to leave, and a brief shouting match before all his senses filled up with a rapid beeping and a return to black.
~
This is my first time writing creatively in years and years, but I was inspired after reading some of spicyshimmy's works. I don't know if I'll continue it or not, but I have a good feeling about this one! Thanks, Ao3, for giving me a place to put all this nonsense. :D