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Shane tells his parents he's heading to his cottage by himself the week before the MLH awards. His mom fusses a little. Shane has been cleared to not use the sling and to follow a strict PT routine with video check-ins three times a week. Shane has also been up to his cottage by himself many times, and he reminds his mom of this.
She still tries to come up with him.
"Mom, you know Dad can't head up until the third week of July. I'm fine on my own. I'm going to do a reset, turn off my phone for a while. You don't have me lined up for anything until August, so I'll use this time for a–I don't know, a silent retreat or something."
His mom frowns, but Shane holds his ground. He truly does want a little bit of time up there by himself, to work on a few routine adjustments he wants to plan out for the next year. If he tries to do them when his mom is around, she wants to be involved. When Shane was 16, he appreciated it. Now that he's 26, he'd rather she not try and work through his diet with him.
He picks Ilya up at the beginning of July. He's scheduled to spend a week with Shane, but Shane hopes he can talk him into longer. They spend the first few days in bed or trying to leave bed and ending up messing around even if they're not in bed. Ilya swims. They use the jet skis.
They sit on the patio, eating the burgers Shane made, and talk about his parents and what would happen if they were to find out he's gay.
Shane isn't lying when he says they've never talked about it. Gay marriage is legal, has been legal for over a decade at this point, and he's never heard them say anything bad about it. There's never been any negative remarks, no side-eyes when they see same sex couples in public.
But neither of them have ever said anything positive, either. They never had any friends who were gay that Shane knew of, nor did they ever introduce him to anyone from work who was married to someone of the same gender. And while it's possible they just didn't know any gay people, it's not like their neighborhood is super conservative.
Shane realized a long time ago just how many queer people he sees on a daily basis, and always has. The corner shop Shane bought Gatorade at after practice some days, before he moved to Juniors, is run by a gay couple. His mom picked him up outside of it for over a year. His favorite librarian in Kingston had a picture of her wife on her desk. Three of the staff at the Bell Center who Shane deals with on a near-daily basis during the season are gay.
Shane knows that queer people exist, and that the MLH is weird for being as straight appearing as it is, and that most places in Canada, and even in the USA, wouldn't let people get away with saying the shit that they hear in the locker rooms.
There's a social media movement about locker room talk and what does and doesn't qualify, and he heard his mom make a disparaging comment or two about it. Not in a way that makes him think she thinks it's okay, but more that…
More that she's okay with the status quo and that if locker room talk is part of it, distasteful as it is, then it's worth ignoring.
Shane has never told her about the racist bullshit he deals with regularly. She gives him hell sometimes when she catches him reacting to something on the ice, nitpicking him for getting startled by particularly egregious racist remarks. There are a few refs who call it out pretty well, but a lot more who ignore it, and despite the fact that Yuna Hollander would spray someone with bear spray if she heard them say it on the street, she constantly tells Shane he has to ignore it and rise above it on the ice.
Shane knows why she says it, too. She's not really wrong, either. The league isn't going to fix the problem, not overnight, and honestly, probably not any time soon. So Shane has to prove–over and over and over again–that saying that bullshit can't get under his skin and can't throw him off his game. He has to prove he belongs, even if he's the best (or second best, depending on the day) player in the league.
So no, Shane is pretty sure his parents are okay with gay people. He's pretty sure that, if he weren't a hockey player, they'd be okay with him being gay. He's also pretty sure his mom has a contingency plan for if he is, with a workup for super masculine ads to put him in so that they can hide it.
He's not sure she'd be okay with him being in a relationship with Ilya, though. His mom didn't even really like it when Shane wanted Centaur's gear for Christmas when he was a kid. She rarely went with him and his Dad when his dad would get them tickets, citing her long history as a Metros fan.
Shane knows his mother would love him if he left the Metros, but he also knows that he could never give her a reason good enough for him to do so. She'd have an excuse, have a reason, have a way to make any event be something he could handle or deal with. They could probably make him commit murder, and she'd brush it off, let alone if Shane finally got tired of the weirdly racist and definitely homophobic comments that got made daily.
Shane doesn't know how to explain any of this to Ilya. Doesn't know how to explain that his mother has a plan for him, and that differing from that plan isn't something she'll allow. Doesn't know how to explain that his mother hasn't found a boundary Shane has set that she can't walk over, if she thinks it's for the right reasons, and how, really, truly… Shane doesn't think he can trust her with Ilya.
He realizes, sitting on the patio, that he's 100% sure that if Yuna Hollander saw a chance to further her agenda, if it meant sacrificing Ilya, that she'd take it. Because Yuna's loyalty is to the Metros, then Shane, and then anything else, and there are so many ways that Ilya wouldn't fit that.
Shane doesn't tell Ilya that. He tells him he's pretty sure they'd be okay with him being gay, and let's Ilya misunderstand him when he says he might have told them if it wasn't for him. It's safer that way, if Ilya thinks it's because he's so socially awkward that he doesn't know how to come out without talking about who he's dating, not that he feels the need to hide anything important from his mom to make sure she doesn't use it in a way Shane doesn't want.
His parents text to say they're coming up for the weekend. His mom wants to meet up and has a list of things she wants to talk about. Shane puts her off, but still doesn't trust her not to just drop by even if he says he's busy. Shane doesn't know how to explain this to Ilya, even when Ilya reads over his shoulder while he's texting his mom.
"They're going to find a reason to drop in," Shane tells him.
Ilya frowns. "Didn't you tell them you wanted time to reset? Is silly excuse, yes, but you said it?"
Shane sighs. "Yeah. My mom–she likes to… Her agenda is always more important," he settles on after trying to find a way to explain her.
Ilya frowns. "I can go. Take me to nice hotel with a gym, and I will come back after. Is okay."
"It's not," Shane tells him. "So, how about we go to Montreal for the weekend? My place has a gym, and I'll even let you order takeout I would normally turn down."
Ilya smirks. "I see, so you are using me to cheat on diet?"
"My mom found this nutritionist, and the team likes her okay, but I miss pie."
"Pie!" Ilya crows. "Okay, we do this. We will find you different pie for every day. Small slice, not too big, just enough."
Shane smiles, leaning up to kiss Ilya softly.
Which is how Shane finds himself in Montreal, eating food he normally avoids, and ignoring his mom's texts about coming over. He does answer the second time she calls, though, and just sighs when he realizes she's calling from inside his cottage.
"Sorry, Mom, I had to run into Montreal for something. I'll be back midweek."
"Your father and I will be in Ottawa again on Tuesday, though."
"Guess I'll catch you when you come back in two weeks," he says. Shane is, actually, bad at reading social cues, but he does understand that his mom is expecting him to tell her he'll drop what he's doing and head back to the cottage.
That night, Ilya tells him he loves him. Shane tells him he loves him back, then spends the hours before dawn trying to work out some semblance of a plan.
They're 26. There's probably 10 more years in them, barring injuries. A year ago, or even six months ago, ten more years of doing what he's doing wouldn't be a big deal. But now, after a few weeks with Ilya, Shane isn't so sure he wants 10 more years of being the captain of a team more likely to go there than not, as far as derogatory remarks and retaliatory actions go.
Shane pulls his iPad over to him, an hour into his spiral, and pulls up his bullet journal app.
His must-do list starts with a way to make sure Ilya is safe, even if everyone finds out. He knows Ilya needs new citizenship, and while Ilya has said that US citizenship isn't great, he thinks it's probably safer than non-alternate citizenship.
He does a basic google search on immigration attorneys in Boston and puts a few on a list.
He has an idea for a charity that he and Ilya can form. He sketches a few ideas for it, and to the side, he puts 'Mom?', because he wonders if he can soft-launch her into the idea that they at least don't hate each other. His dad will follow his mom's cue on all of this, never one to take any steps too far outside of her plans. Normally, Shane likes that about his dad, but in this case, he knows that whatever his mom thinks of the idea, his dad will parrot.
Shane falls asleep just as the sun is coming up. Ilya wakes him a few hours later, concerned by him still being asleep, but relaxes when Shane explains he started a plan.
"I think.. We should probably set this plan up so that at any point, everything could come out, and we'd need it in place then," Shane starts.
"So I think the first thing is you getting US citizenship. I know–" he pauses. "I can't know all the reasons it feels wrong for you, but I can't see a way for you to get Canadian citizenship unless you live here. You could apply for asylum, if the worst happened, but that could still be declined and–"
Ilya covers his mouth. "Malysh, yes, I understand. I started working on my ah, is green? Residency card? After I got back from Russia in spring. I will tell lawyer to see what I can do for citizenship."
Shane relaxes, and Ilya smiles at him.
"Is cute, you know," Ilya tells him.
"What?"
"You and plans."
Shane laughs. "Well, next on the list is to get a list of places we could see ourselves living after… everything. After hockey, I mean."
Ilya nods. "I tell you to think, not because I won't go where is best. But. You should come to Boston. And see. I will go wherever you want and see too, I promise."
Shane tilts his head, because somewhere they already lived wasn't something he'd thought about. Montreal was out, not only because he would be too noticeable, but because making Ilya learn another language just to be able to navigate the city he lived in seemed cruel and unnecessary. Ottawa was out because it would be too close to his parents. He'd put Vancouver on a mental list, and Seattle. Minneapolis and New York had been begrudgingly on the list because he could see them being safe places to be, but not somewhere he truly wanted to live.
He'd also put a note to the side that said 'small town?', because he wondered a little bit if finding a place they could become locals and disappear completely in wouldn't be an advantage.
But Ilya was a city boy, and as much as Shane loved a few weeks or even a month or two at the cottage, he had to admit he missed the conveniences of a big city.
Boston hadn't been on his list, mostly because he kind of felt like Ilya was to Boston what he was to Montreal, even though he knew logically that wasn't true. Ilya was the captain of the Raiders, sure, but the Raiders were just one of many pro sports teams in the city, and Ilya had given several interviews over the years about how much he appreciated the support and anonymity that Boston provided.
"Okay. If we picked Boston, would you want to stay where you are?"
Ilya was shaking his head before Shane finished the question. "No, in the city more. Back Bay, maybe, or South End."
Shane raised an eyebrow, but let Ilya continue.
"Where I live now, it is lots of land and space and gates, but far. If we're done, not in the papers at all, then in the city is best. Get nice place, with a rooftop deck, yes? Near a park for dog walking, yes?" Ilya grinned at him.
Shane laughed and leaned in to kiss him softly. "A dog, huh?"
"At least one, maybe two," Ilya responds.
They spend the whole weekend working out, having sex, and eating food Shane hasn't allowed himself in years. They challenge each other as much as they help each other in the gym, and Shane laughs more than he thinks he ever has while working out. He also enjoys the small bit of pie that Ilya finds for him every evening.
On the way back to the cottage, they talk about the rest of the summer. Ilya is heading back to Boston a day before Shane's parents come out to spend the last week of July on the lake. Shane has sponsorship ads and events off and on the first three weeks of August, and training to do in between.
"Do you have a trainer in Boston?" Shane asks.
Ilya nods, glancing over at him from where he was mostly focused on driving Shane's 'boring car'. "Yes, yes. Share with Alesky from LA, Vaughn from New York, and Marly. Is good trainer, extra help on edges."
Shane shifts so he's more sideways in his seat. "Do you think he'd take me, when I am in between sponsor stuff?"
"Probably, yes, I think. What do you normally do?"
"Mostly get back on the ice with Boodram from Ottawa before I head to Montreal."
"Boodram? He's a good guy. You should invite him. He will be captain in year, two max. Tell him he should come learn to be one," Ilya smirks a little when he says that.
Shane huffs. "Yeah, okay, then I can tell my mom we found a trainer but have to go to Boston."
Their plan works. Shane's mom is a bit miffed that he'll be in Boston between all of the shoots and events she has set up for him, but excited to hear about the trainer. None of the guys, not even the half-star-struck Boodram, who was shocked to be invited out, say anything about where Shane is staying. Scott Hunter shows up for the last week, rolling his eyes at all of the chirps from Ilya but smiling the whole time.
On a day when the trainer lets them leave without their legs feeling useless, Ilya takes Shane, and they wander around the area he told Shane he'd like to live in. Shane likes the old buildings and the community that seems to be there. There are coffee shops, restaurants, and bars mixed in and around all of the brownstones. Ilya and Shane make a list of things they want, most of which come down to space to make the things they want if it isn't there already.
Before Shane leaves to return to Montreal, Ilya fires his agent and reaches out to Shane's. They don't tell Farah they're together, not yet, but do mention they're friends and that Yuna doesn't know. She sets Ilya up with a PR team and a brand manager, and Shane tells Ilya he's going to wait a bit, then ask Farah for the same thing, so he can slowly start winding down his mother's involvement. Let her work the deals she already has going, but slowly start to run new things through Farah's team.
They get to spend all but a few days of the summer together, and leaving Ilya has Shane ready to cry. He doesn't, just barely, but he can tell that Ilya sees the sheen of tears from the gentle way he touches him as Shane gets ready to go.
They play each other in a home and away in preseason, then once two weeks into the season, and then their next game isn't until after Christmas. Shane does cry after their first game of the season, when Ilya is leaving his condo in Montreal, having spent the night there. Their bus call is stupid early, so Ilya makes him stay home and let him catch an Uber.
In the new year, Shane asks for a sit-down meeting with Farah. Farah is based in Toronto, which had caused a minor scandal when Shane first signed with her, but he's never felt like she steered him wrong. Shane flies to her and makes it clear this meeting is just him and her, not his mom.
After they settle, Farah leans back and lets him talk.
"I think," Shane starts softly. "I need a team. PR, manager, all that. I need–I need to have a team who isn't my mom."
Farah's eyebrows are at her hairline. "I'm not going to lie, I was pretty sure we were going to have a different conversation. About your romantic life, probably."
Shane frowns and glances down at his phone. Ilya has told him he can tell Farah if it helps, both of them having looked through their contracts and over the NDAs signed by Farah's firm. "I mean, we can have that one, too, if it helps inform any decisions."
Farah snorts, leans forward, and grabs a legal pad. "Start from the top."
"Uh, okay. Ilya Rozanov and I are—we're together. In a planning for after hockey and where we want to live kind of way," Shane tells her.
Farah nods, writing on her pad. "Okay."
"I can't tell–my mom doesn't know. I don't want her to, not until we're both out of hockey," Shane tells her, and Farah's head whips up.
"Can I ask why?"
"My mother wants what's best for me, as she sees what's best for me," Shane tells her, slowly. "And I don't trust that our ideas of that align."
Farah nods slowly. "I see."
Shane watches her write a bit longer. After a few minutes, Farah sets her pen down. "I think for now, it might be best to see if Michelle can take you on." Michelle is the manager Ilya has, who has been excellent at endorsements and sponsorships so far. "But I think I'll look for someone in Montreal for PR for you, and at a later date, we can look into Jeremy working with you. But I have a feeling that the two of you will always need a team, so maybe not."
Shane nods. "And we can have a conversation about them not just doing what my mom wants? But what you, and me, and they think is right, not her?"
Shane is almost 27 years old, and he's asking his agent if they can please listen to him and not his mother. A little piece of him breaks at it, but his mother had caught wind of Ilya being represented by Farah instead of his old agent, and her words had not been kind.
It takes Shane's mom a while to realize he has a team. He brushes her off through the end of the season, telling her it was suggested by Farah and he'd said yes. He drops a few comments about some sponsorship Michelle has lined up for him that summer, and the first time he does, his mom is quiet. The second, she makes a few pointed comments.
Then she brings something to Shane for him to sign, something new, something they haven't even talked about, and Shane tells her to send it to Michelle. She doesn't like it, and she's exceptionally upset when Michelle tells Shane she thinks it's a bad idea.
Shane reads over what Michelle sends and agrees with her. Shane doesn't know why his mom would push it, except that she was looking to see how he reacted.
They spend the next summer mostly the same as the last, though they head to Boston earlier for training. Shane only spends the long Canada Day weekend with his parents at the cottage. The rest of his time there is carefully planned for when they won't be there, so Ilya can safely join him.
They do two joint ads, one for CCM and one for the MLH itself. Shane has to silence his phone to ignore his mother and her feelings about them doing it, even though they've done both of these before. They both find out that the Metros and the Raiders will be a part of the Winter Classic this year. They're both excited. The MLH is excited.
Ilya had signed an 8-year contract for Boston in December the year before. It was fairly early for an extension that size, 8 years at 81 million for 10.1 AAV. Ilya had been pleased by the number, pleased to be one of the best-paid guys in the MLH, and pleased with a full NMC for the first 5 years and a partial NMC with full NTC for the next 3. It's bonus-heavy on the front end, but Shane's last contract had been, too.
Ilya gets injured in November, but is back on the ice by the time the Winter Classic rolls around. Shane and his parents have gone to dinner before any game they'll be at since his rookie year. His parents had made the drive up for most weekend games and a considerable number of weekday games over the years.
After Ilya gets injured, Shane starts making excuses about dinner. The first time they'd sat down together to eat, when Ilya was still in a sling, his mom had spent nearly their whole dinner talking about how he deserved it and how much better Shane is and how she hopes he'll still be out in December.
Shane tries to get his mom to lay off a few times. His dad even backs him up, but when Yuna Hollander is on a tear, no one can stop her. Shane fakes a phone call from Hayden and leaves early the first time, and the next two dinners, he manages to skip. The third one, he does something quick and easy to get out of if needed, and while his mom is a little better about Ilya, she spends the rest of her time critiquing his meal.
Shane's trainers are happy with him. He hired a new outside nutritionist that Ilya and Farah both approved of, and she has flipped his diet on its end. He's playing more minutes this year and is leading the scoring board. Ilya tells him he's only winning because he was injured, but Shane's PPG is higher, too, and Ilya is so happy for him every single game that Shane knows it's all perfunctory at this point.
His mom is not happy. She'd liked his last nutritionist, had wanted copies of all his plans and paperwork. Shane has Ilya listed as his emergency contact and medical proxy, as well as his power of attorney. Farah is listed as a backup, in case Ilya can't be reached, so she can follow all of their explicitly detailed plans until Ilya can get to his phone.
Two weeks into the playoffs, Ilya sends Shane a Zillow link. It's a brownstone off Union Park in the South End. It's right on the park, with a city view from the rooftop deck and a small yard off the back. There's a two-car garage on the alley. It's huge, with enough space for a good home gym and even maybe a sauna, several guest rooms, and probably a dog or two. The kitchen has been recently redone with top-of-the-line appliances. It's a lot of money, but the two of them are millionaires, and they started a joint account the year before with this in mind.
Shane asks about the rest of Ilya's cars, and Ilya tells him about the storage place he keeps most of them. Two cars is fine. Shane figures his car can park in the alley spaces or on the street if Ilya needs two of his cars with them.
Ilya goes to see the place with his realtor. He takes Shane with him on FaceTime, because Shane is getting ready for game six in Florida, and the Raiders had swept DC. Shane likes the lighting, likes the master suite, and really likes the flooring. Ilya smiles indulgently at him as he asks to see various things, but moves the camera every time.
They put in an offer, and no one is surprised when it gets accepted. They play each other in round two, and Shane goes home with Ilya when the Raiders knock them out in game six at the Garden.
Shane goes back to Montreal while Ilya moves on to the conference finals. Shane spends his downtime between locker cleanout and post-season interviews working with the interior designer he'd used in Montreal to give him some ideas for the brownstone. He knows Ilya will make fun of him, but he'll go along with any ideas he likes, and Shane hates trying to put anything together style-wise, from a room to an outfit.
Rose invites him to a movie premiere, and instead of flying back to Montreal after, Shane heads to Boston. Ilya picks him up at the airport two days after getting knocked out in the conference finals, and they spend a week together.
Shane heads back to Canada, but when he comes back, he packs for the rest of the summer. They train together, and once they get the keys, they spend most of the summer figuring out what needs to be changed in the brownstone and slowly putting it together.
By the time the rest of the people they train with get to town, Shane is ready to leave the brownstone to the contractors and Ilya. They've planned out the rooms as much as Ilya will let him, and Shane is happy with it.
The next two years go by with Shane heading to Boston on their breaks. They get a week or two at the cottage over the summer, but most of their downtime is spent in the brownstone, a house no one but Farah and their therapists even know exists.
There's not a lot of downtime for them. Shane wins the cup in 2019. Ilya wins it in 2020.
They talk about trying to get Shane to a different team. There are a few people–his coach among them–who really make his life uncomfortable in Montreal. But there's Hayden, and his kids, who call him Uncle Shane. There are the Timbits groups he works with every year. There's the staff and the routine that make his days smooth.
So they talk about it, and they decide instead that Shane should push for maximum payout on a 3-year contract. 3 years is enough to see if anything is going to change. It pushes them to mid-30s. He can sign 2 more after, if he wants. Or go year to year. Ilya can ask for a trade, and Shane can sign there. Or maybe, even, Boston will be able to sign him.
At this point, everything important is in their brownstone. Their trophies are there. There are pictures of them both on the walls. Ilya adopts a dog on an away trip to Ottawa, of all places, from one of the staff members there. She's a cute little Aussie mix that he names Anya, who thinks Ilya walks on water, but Shane created the water. Ilya complains often about how much she mourns when Shane has to leave, and the bit of warmth it creates in Shane can't be explained out loud.
She's his dog, even if the public doesn't know. And Shane spoils her like she is.
She has stuff at the cottage, and his mother makes a few comments about him letting his friends bring their dogs over. Shane doesn't say anything in response, but he does start to only visit his parents at their cottage, instead of having them over to his. He's taken most of his important things out of it, anyway, because he's sure once he retires, he won't be coming back. It's too close to his parents, in the end.
He mourns it, a little, when he first realizes it and makes sure to spend a few mornings every year watching the sunrise. It's been his favorite thing the whole time he's owned it, and he's sad and mad that his mother will keep this from him in the future.
He signs another year in Montreal. He's 32 when he does it, just before they get knocked out in the conference finals. Ilya still has two years left.
Shane thought he'd be the guy who got carried off the ice in the end. He thought he was for sure going to be forced out, his body broken and no longer useful to his team. Instead, he signs a single-year contract and goes third in the league for points with the highest minutes of all the forwards on his team. And in January, he knows he's done.
His mom had spent the last three dinners complaining about Farah. She thinks it's her fault Shane is on a single-year contract. Shane could have signed another 8-year after his first, or a 5-year. He honestly could probably walk into his GM's office today and sign another 5-year if he wanted.
But he doesn't. He's broken nearly every record. He's made more money than he ever thought he could. And he fell in love.
The Montreal team in 2024 isn't the same team it was in 2018, but just because their most homophobic player is gone doesn't mean someone new hasn't stepped up to the plate. Their goalie is homophobic and casually racist, and Shane is honestly tired of it.
He'd brought it up to his mom once or twice in the early years, but she'd told him it was a price to be paid. She's said that him dealing with it and being who he was would make it better, but Shane hasn't seen any improvement.
Ilya says his locker room isn't bad. Ilya's had a no dickbag rule in his locker room since he'd become captain, and Shane is honestly jealous. He's not sure if it's their style, or their coaching staff, or just the guys on the team, but Ilya's locker room fell into line and stopped using racist and homophobic language a long time ago. They've even been working on misogynistic stuff. Shane can't even get his team to stop sharing their wives and girlfriends nudes with each other without the women's knowledge.
When it comes down to it, Shane is just done. Hockey isn't fun unless he's playing Ilya. Practices are a slog with guys who want the accolades without the work. His coach is a nightmare, and his teammates are awful, aside from a few outliers. Montreal is hot and cold on him, minute to minute, even with his stats. And now that his mom is mostly completely out of his career, she has a lot to say about how other people are managing it.
Shane tells Hayden he's done at the end of the year at the trade deadline. He tells Farah to stall his GM, and then, in the locker room, after getting knocked out at home in the second round, Shane tells his team.
"I wanted to tell you before the press gets a hold of it," Shane tells them. "This is my last season."
"Who romanced you away, Hollzy?" one of the younger guys asks.
Shane gives him a brief smile. The kid will be good if he can get out of this place. But he's a follower, so if he stays, it will ruin him. "No one, actually. I'm done done."
The locker room noise draws a coach, and Shane tells him, too. He packs up his stuff, planning on doing his exit interview via zoom. They won't like it, but the press around this will be wild, so he has no interest in coming in in-person for anything.
He'd spent the break between rounds 1 and 2 packing up his condo. Most of his things are already gone, but everything he'd kept there gets loaded into his Land Rover or boxes. He's on the road the next morning, heading into Boston, when his mom calls him.
"Why is the front page of the Gazette saying you're retiring?" she asks, he voice sharp.
"Nicer than I expected," Shane tells her. "I kinda thought they'd say I quit."
He wonders if it can really be called quitting after 15 years and three cups. He doesn't really think he's retiring, not really, not at 33, but he also doesn't need to work and doesn't have a job lined up.
He's sure Miranda, the woman who sets up his ads now, will have something for him the minute he asks. Most of the brands he's working with have mentioned they'd love to continue with him at least for the immediate future post his theoretical, future retirement.
"Who made you think this was a good idea, Shane?"
Shane wishes he was confused by this question. But his mother has never seen him as someone who can make decisions for himself. Once he'd pulled away from her, he knows she assumed someone else had taken her place and was pulling his strings.
Shane is his mother's son. He has her tenacity, her drive, her anxiety. The way she could never see him as like her, but just an extension of her, stopped hurting him a long time ago.
So he just sighs. "No one. I made this choice. I got tired of all the bullshit in Montreal and decided that I was done."
"There's no way you made this decision by yourself," his mom tells him.
"Okay, Mom. I gotta go, I'm driving, okay?"
He doesn't let her respond, just hangs up. He doesn't answer her when she calls back, or when she calls from his dad's phone, or when she calls back again from her own phone. He doesn't answer when Hayden calls or any of the guys from around the league.
At the border, he texts Ilya. Ilya isn't done for the season. He has a game that night, a game seven. If he wins, they go on to the conference finals.
Shane gets to the house in the suburbs after Ilya has left for the stadium. He sends a picture of Anya to him, proof he made it, then changes into a pair of Ilya's sweats and a Raiders hoodie. He and Anya eat dinner on the couch and watch the Raiders win.
The Raiders lose in game five of the final. Shane is at Ilya's house when he lands from Denver. The two of them spend a week at Ilya's, while he sends his teammates off for the season. A few of them come over, mildly surprised to see Shane lounging around, but none of them comment.
They spend their summer at the brownstone, becoming a part of the community. They get brunch on Saturdays at a local place known for its by-the-bottle mimosas. They spend early evenings at a bistro that lets them have Anya on the sidewalk, they see Fabian Salah at a club, and run into Ryan Price.
Cliff Marlow is a local boy, and after a few weeks, Ilya brings him by. Cliff has a lot of very Boston sentiments about whoever remodeled their brownstone, but a lot of good things to say about the rooftop deck. He thinks their gym is unnecessary, the fact that they only have a two-car garage for Ilya's cars a reason to keep his other place, and opinions on the state of the alley behind them.
He doesn't ask why Shane is there. He gives him a fistbump and tells him he's gonna miss him on the ice the very first time he comes over, then never mentions his retirement again.
Shane finds a yoga studio a few blocks away that he likes. He doesn't really need a class, but he likes the community feel of it. He comes back from a class in July and finds a handful of Raiders around their kitchen island, a spread of Thai food in front of them.
"Sup, Hollander," one of them, Connors, says before holding out what looks to be a container of pad thai.
"Hey, guys," Shane returns, raising an eyebrow at Ilya. Ilya shrugs, and Shane gives him a half smile. "Let me go shower, and leave me some veggie See Ew."
"That's who that's for?" Shane hears one of them say as he heads up the stairs.
None of them say anything when he comes back down, Ilya just handing him a bowl with his own reusable chopsticks. He listens to them talk about their upcoming season and what they need to work on.
He mentions a couple of things offhand, and by the end of the afternoon, three of them are begging Shane to come help them train.
Ilya is grinning at him. Shane can tell he's proud of his team and proud of the way that they want to learn from Shane. "If Hollander comes, no pictures, okay? No tagging him or telling people."
Shane nods when the guys look over at him. "Not trying to hide, just… keeping a low profile."
So he spends the rest of the summer on the ice with some Raiders and their friends, quietly helping guys with their grip or their stance or reading a play. Nothing huge. Nothing life-changing. Just the little things that get looked over in a larger team setting.
When the season kicks back up, Ilya offers to stay at the brownstone. They end up back at Ilya's house in the suburbs. It's his known address for the league, and the rest of his team, and Shane feels more comfortable keeping the brownstone for just the teammates Ilya trusts.
He doesn't hide that he's there. Cliff offers to throw an end-of-camp BBQ, but Shane knows it's always been a party at Ilya's before. Ilya promises to keep it less rowdy and more boring, which makes Shane laugh. He spends an hour by the firepit in the backyard debating 80s players with a young kid, and waves over his shoulder to them all when he heads in to bed, the party still going strong.
Ilya crawls into bed with him a few hours later, pulling Shane back and curling around him. "Spasibo," he tells him. "Was best, you and my team."
Shane hmms, smiling into his pillow. " 's nice."
Shane doesn't go to any games. Not because he doesn't want to, but because he knows it will be a big deal. He goes to a few optional practices with Ilya, on days the press can't get in, and shows up to team events throughout the year, but keeps as low a profile as he can.
They spend a few nights a month at the brownstone, going to the places they'd found over the summer, learning the rhythm of the neighborhood in the winter. They find a coffee shop with amazing hot chocolate and a pub that serves Borscht while it's cold out. There's a bakery that sells a few Eastern European pastries, and one Ilya says reminds him of his mother's favorite place.
Ilya doesn't talk about retiring at the end of the season. Shane doesn't push him. But when May comes, and the Raiders are out, Ilya has the whole team over to his house in the suburbs and tells them he won't be signing a new deal.
There's true heartbreak on the faces of a few of the younger guys, but the guys who have been around a while don't seem surprised. Later, Shane asks Ilya if he told them, and he shakes his head no. "But they know me, and they know what I look like when I am done."
Shane figures they do, and wishes he could have said the same for his teammates the year before.
Their first summer with both of them retired is weird. They don't have a rhythm or a goal. Boodram texts Shane in July and demands that they come out with the guys who are training. They do, and Shane realizes he misses it, but not enough to try and change anything.
When fall rolls around, Shane brings up the charity idea he'd had years before. Ilya had liked it then, and likes it more now. Farah still manages them, no longer for hockey, but just keeping their team together. Shane still does modeling several times a year, and they're working on a few things for Ilya, too. She loves the idea of the charity and comes back with someone to help them run it full-time, and asks to be on the board.
Shane doesn't hear from his parents much anymore. His Dad texts him once or twice a month and never asks any questions about where he is. He makes sure he's alive, asks if he's done anything he wants to share, and sometimes shares something he did.
His mom called a lot in the beginning, but stopped after a while. Shane calls her on her birthday and Christmas, and gives her until she starts in on his life choices before he hangs up. His longest conversation with her since he retired was 13 minutes. They usually last less than 5.
When they announce the Irina Foundation, his mom calls him six times in one day. He answers on the last call, more out of morbid curiosity than anything. He hangs up after 3 minutes when she starts questioning his choice to do this with Ilya.
They get three years of retirement before Boston reaches out and asks Ilya to come on as a special teams coach. They offer Shane a job, too, but he declines. Instead, he says yes to Harvard when they reach out about being an assistant coach.
Their schedules don't match up much deep in the season, but they get more nights together than they don't. They have a great place that takes care of Anya when they're gone, and hosts get-togethers for friends when they come to town, either playing, coaching, or in the summer. The first time Hunter comes over and brings Kip, Hunter spends too long telling the group that showed up about Ilya giving Shane his room number in 2011.
They get married. Cliff officiates, which leads to more laughter than normal in a wedding. Cliff retires and moves a few blocks away, which means he's around enough to become a fixture. So do a handful of ex-teammates and friends from the league who haven't let them disappear.
They're together, they're out and not hiding it. Anyone they're close to knows they're together, and have been for years. Sometimes, when they have a house full of people who accept and support them, Shane wonders why his parents couldn't be a part of this.
And when, after two years of paperwork and home visits, Shane gets to hold the tiny little child they get to call their daughter for the first time, he cries, because she's been theirs for 6 minutes and he can't imagine not loving her unconditionally.
He sends his parents a card with pictures in it before they announce the adoption. His dad texts him back and asks if he can send some things. Shane has him send them via Harvard, because he doesn't want his mom to get their address if he can help it.
He doesn't know if he should have bothered hiding, though, because his mom leaves him a voicemail that boils down to him making choices he'll regret and to not come to her asking her to fix it when his life falls apart. He's not sure which part she's more upset about–adopting a kid, or him doing it with Ilya. He didn't say anything explicit about Ilya in the card, but her name is Katya Hollander-Rozanov, and Ilya was in a bunch of the photos, so it's pretty clear.
But Shane finds he can't care. It's him and Ilya and their perfect daughter and all their friends against the world, and while sometimes he dreams of having played with Ilya, with having played until he was broken and tired, he can't bring himself to regret a single thing that brought him here.