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Amanda sat at the crowded and slightly sticky bar because, after the day she’d had, she didn’t particularly need distance from the bartender. Supply and demand determined their relationship this evening, and the shots were being downed in quick succession.
Olivia had been in an exceptionally bad mood today and Amanda had somehow managed to say the wrong thing every time she’d opened her mouth.
She wished she didn’t care so much about what Olivia thought, but she had always sought her approval, and she suspected she always would.
I hate that I care.
I hate that I feel like this.
Not only was Olivia the best detective she’d ever worked with, there was something undefinable about her that made people listen to her. Olivia had the ability to make Amanda feel on top of the world with a few kind words, and like dirt with just one look.
Olivia’s voice was particularly attractive to Amanda. Just listening to her sometimes gave her shivers, and watching her interview a suspect could do things to Amanda that she could never tell a soul.
I wish I could stop feeling this way.
It didn’t hurt that Olivia’s big brown eyes, flowing hair and gorgeous body surrounded that incredible intellect.
Amanda had to force herself not to stare too long. She constantly checked if anyone had noticed, ready with an excuse if necessary.
She’s so…oh god…stop looking…
Today Amanda had just wanted to crawl into a hole, forget the whole day’s events and just erase it all. Drink until she forgot why she started in the first place.
She hates me.
I hate me too.
She gazed around the bar from time to time, checking for witnesses to her drowning her sorrows, but it was a small establishment and, despite the popularity, only catered to a limited number of patrons at a time.
Her first few sweeps of the room had been clear, but the next time she looked, a booth at the back drew her attention.
Two women settled in with their fresh drinks and, from a distance, they looked like Olivia and Alex.
Amanda hoped she was wrong.
She was not wrong.
That’s all I need. In all of Manhattan, they had to pick this bar.
She noticed Olivia get up to order another round, and quickly ducked her head behind some other thirsty people.
Alex got the next round, but she didn’t stay long after that.
One down…
In fact, it was a suspiciously fast exit, so Amanda assumed that it must’ve been work.
Olivia stayed behind—and, after a while, Amanda noticed that quite a bit of time had passed since Alex’s departure.
Why is she still here?
Is she drinking alone too?
As Amanda’s bladder was demanding to be attended to, and the restroom was at the back, she needed to slip past the booth as quickly as possible to get there.
When Amanda returned, however, she found herself face to face with Olivia, who was looking even worse than she was.
She looks broken.
It could have been the alcohol, or concern for her colleague but, whatever the case, Amanda approached the booth and sat across from Olivia.
I can’t leave her looking like this.
It was kind of ironic, really. She’d been drinking partly to forget Olivia’s treatment of her today, and now here she was risking more of the same.
This Olivia looked different though. Less confrontational and more subdued.
She might just need a friend.
“Liv, how come you’re still sitting here alone? I saw Alex leave—did she get called in?”
“Something like that.”
That didn’t sit right with Amanda.
Not work. Personal.
“Want another drink?”
“Sure. Why not?” Olivia shrugged.
Amanda got the drinks and returned quickly, the bar crowd beginning to slowly thin out again after the rush.
Amanda was concerned at the difference in Olivia’s demeanour.
Olivia was usually defiantly confident, but the woman in front of her tonight looked utterly defeated.
What did Alex do to her?
“I take it you and Alex weren’t celebrating, then.”
Olivia took a gulp of her whiskey.
“Quite the opposite.”
“Commiserating?”
“Talking about the past. Today was once our anniversary.”
Amanda was confused.
“At SVU?”
Olivia had uncharacteristically loosened up thanks to the alcohol.
“No, it was more than that. We were lovers.”
They were…lovers?
“Ohhh. I didn’t know.”
“Nobody did.”
Shit. How did they cope?
“That must’ve been hard.”
“Yeah, it really was,” Olivia gave Amanda a look of absolute vulnerability. “Please don’t tell anyone.”
I would never.
“I won’t.”
Although Amanda was reticent to ask her next question, the alcohol had loosened her up as well, so she took the chance.
“Can I ask why you broke up?”
“Witness Protection. She was gone for years. When she got back, neither of us was the same person anymore.”
What do I even say to that? It’s the most tragic thing I’ve ever heard.
“That’s really sad.”
Olivia swallowed and examined the table like it was evidence.
Amanda considered the amount of alcohol they’d both consumed.
Maybe she needs to get out of here…
“Did you eat tonight?”
“No. Wasn’t hungry.”
“I didn’t either, but we’ve been drinking a lot. How about we go out and get something to soak up the alcohol? Doesn’t have to be much.”
“Okay. I know you’re right.”
“I am. Come on.”
They made their way out into the warm summer night.
After determining that Olivia could eat something small, and deciding that it should be fried, they headed for a diner.
Amanda loved the intimacy of booths, so they picked the end one near the window so they could monitor anything suspicious if the need arose.
They both ordered chicken tenders and shared some fries.
Amanda discovered that Olivia had some very strong opinions about artificial sweeteners. Amanda pretended that she cared, so she ordered a root beer without sweeteners because it tasted like childhood.
They made small talk at first, sharing a love of chrome and formica (in the right context), childhood summers (much longer than today’s), and whether beaches should be a childhood right or if lakes counted if they were large enough to have aspirations.
Olivia shared a few memories of her time with Alex; just small things like running jokes about judges and how Alex insisted coffee was a constitutional right filed under the pursuit of happiness.
Amanda watched as Olivia softened and allowed herself to be a real person with her.
Is she…letting me in?
Usually Olivia’s walls were impenetrable, and her often officious behaviour intimidated Amanda, particularly when it appeared that she had transgressed in some way.
But this Olivia was the one Amanda had hoped to meet after studying her cases.
Even in sadness she was observant, insightful, even wryly amusing. Her kindness and compassion showed throughout every story she told.
“You’ve never mentioned anything much about your own relationships, Amanda.”
Oh no.
“Nothing much to tell. No relationships to speak of…just…casual stuff, really.”
Amanda didn’t want to say “hook ups”, although that’d be what she was alluding to; or that she’d just never had feelings for anyone that was…appropriate.
It was easier to just get some small relief occasionally than try to pretend that she was interested in a guy. The other feelings she’d had were complicated and she’d never actually named them, let alone act on them.
All she knew for sure was that she was “Amanda”—which was why she’d had the tattoo done.
Just herself.
No explanation needed.
How do I avoid saying that I don’t like who I am?
Olivia regarded Amanda closely. She could see something going on behind Amanda’s eyes, although she wasn’t quite sure what it was.
She did know that she regretted asking Amanda the question.
“I’m sorry. It’s none of my business. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“No, no, it’s fine. Well, it’s complicated, but I’m fine, really.”
Olivia knew Amanda well enough to know that was a lie, but she didn’t want to press on what was obviously a sore point.
I have to say something. She’s going to think I’m…
“I mean, I didn’t actually want a relationship. I suppose I could have…but I never met the right person at the right time.”
“That sounds difficult. Lonely. I know a bit about lonely.”
Lonely is just the beginning.
“Sometimes. Yeah, it is.”
“Well, if you’d like company sometime…”
Amanda was slightly embarrassed by how much she would like that.
How much she’d always wanted Olivia to say that to her.
“That sounds really nice. I’d like that.”
Olivia’s gaydar had alerted her some time back. Before today, actually. But tonight, Amanda’s phrasing had pretty much confirmed it for her. She’d used words like “complicated” to describe her feelings; the gender neutral “person” to meet; she’d never “really wanted a relationship”; she’d only had “casual” sex.
Olivia herself was bisexual, so she didn’t exclude the possibility that Amanda was straight just because she’d mentioned having sex with men.
In fact, Olivia had picked up that Amanda might have a little bit of a crush on her when they met. Perhaps that had never died.
“Maybe…would you like to have dinner with me this week?”
She wants to spend time with…me?
“That almost sounds like a…date?”
Where did those words come from?
Why did I say that?
“It could be if you’d like it to be.”
Oh. My. God.
Is this really happening?
Does she…like me?
“I think I would, actually.”
“So that’s a yes?”
YESSSS!!!
“Yes, Liv, I would love to go on a date with you.”
Olivia gave her first real smile of the evening.
“Okay.”
Amanda felt seen for the first time.
“Okay.”
As they walked out together, Amanda looked around, taking in the city lights and feeling truly herself for the first time since…well, since childhood really.
It was then that she noticed the flags.
The ones that had always made her uncomfortable before.
They looked so…friendly.
And, for the first time, she understood why they showed a rainbow.