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Light. A small flame. Soft touches. Gentle voices. Fast pluses. Sweet flowers. Rushing. Kind warmth. Cool breeze. Rushing. Subtle tension. Pleading. Dry sun. Flowers beginning to wilt. Rushing. Rushing. Flames overfed. Rushing. Rushing. Rushing. Sweat gathering. String pulled taut. Rushing. Rushing. RUSHING. Snap. Quiet. Dull noises. Faint cries. Flowers dried out. Flame doused. A journal locked. Secret garden. A trickle. Cool breeze. New seedling. Soft fall. Small light. Gentle.
There's a dull ache behind her ears, pulsing slowly. It's easier to pretend she doesn't hear at all than to listen to more overbearing concern. She knows they care, can feel it in the hands that gently hold her, but their understanding is flawed.
"I'm alright," The words seem so far away from her. Maybe the damage was more important than she thought. She'll have to find a new path forward, though even the thought makes her throat close up. "It's not a total hearing loss, so please stop looking like I'm on the brink."
"Eros, please." Her mother says, tears clinging to lashes. She can't look straight at her mother, for her eyes are too knowing, able to sear into her soul. This is why it's easier to hide, even if it's colder (if she keeps saying it that will make it true, right?). "We'll find something, no matter what it takes baby. There has to be a way to heal the damage, I'm sure."
"Does it matter? Thaumaturgy is over for me now, when I can't even withstand my own spells." Here she scowls at her own shorctcomings, large enough to cast Ul Dah in shadow. She can pretend for others all she wants, but her soul knows she's stuck now.
Sardonically, she looks up finally. "I suppose I can take up the sword, now that I'm left with only that." Her parents both look as if she struck them, and the spite she feels stings. "Sorry your precious mage has failed to live up to your expectations."
Silence ensues, her father clearly frustrated but withholding for her sake. They leave soon after, nothing left to give to her foul mood. She wishes it felt good, but instead she's left with a hollow space where her heart should be.
"..os? Eros!" She can't hold back the flinch at the sudden call, tinny and ringing through her implants. Looking around, she sees Thancred staring at her in stern concern, lips pressed in a tight line. "Awfully deep in your thoughts lately, aren't you? Anything you need to share?"
"Mm, just reminiscing on magicks again. Healing comes so easily now, I wish it was the same for thaumaturgy." She huffs, rearranging her clothes just to distract her hands. This would be much easier if she could just be honest, but the though of confessing her ailments makes her jaw clench.
"Hmm... It is odd to be wholly unattuned to this side of magick when we think of your background. I remember you saying your parents were quite learned in thaumaturgy, to never pick it up in that upbringing...." Here he shrugs casually, as if the words aren't a hot dagger straight through her ribs. "maybe you just aren't suited for it."
She winces, he doesn't know just how true the words are. How long she practiced those spells, until she could recite and present them in her sleep, it felt like. Only for it to never matter, body unequipped to handle her power. She remembers crying over her staff, wailing she could barely hear within the dull ringing. Conjury had been a desperate attempt at healing her broken ears, only to feel like her only lifeline back to magick of any kind.
"I suppose we all have our limits, self imposed or otherwise." This conversation is opening too many wounds she has long ignored. Any longer and she's likely to turn acidic in tone.
"But enough of this, we'll need our rest for tomorrow's journey into Garlemald. We can discuss my few shortcomings after we deal with Zenos." Does she mean to sound so accusing? Probably not, never to Thancred who's always carried her heavy burden with her. But the wound is opening and she can't handle her failure on top of the mantle of warrior of light much longer. So avoidance, it is. "Goodnight, Thancred."
So quickly does she try to escape that she misses the look of shocked hurt that follows her to the door. "...goodnight Eros."