Chapter Text
"Oh, isn't that lovely."
Ardyn grimaced, staring at the massive pile of bird excrement splattered all over and around the abandoned delivery truck, in pure disgust.
The entire top of the once bright orange truck was covered in a thick and sloppy layer of white. There was a disturbing amount of massive yellow, brown and black chunks swimming within the substance, and the sight of these chucks slowly sliding down the vehicle, leaving repulsive streak marks behind them, made Ardyn want to throw up. As these chunks collide with the once beautiful green grass of Alstor Slough, they force the white liquid to splash upwards before raining back down, further sullying the Duscaen flora. The ground was so heavily solid from this violent aerial assault that it was going to be a miracle if his boots did not get covered in it! Unfortunately, not even the crystal blue lake had been spared from the legendary Zu's expulsion! The water at the shoreline had turned a milky white colour, forcing all the beasts that called this serene area their home to drink from the other side of the lake.
In fact, not a single member of the animal kingdom was within a mile of where Ardyn was currently standing, which was the only silver lining in this situation.
"At least that means the Catoblepas won't come near, or any other form of wildlife for that matter. This is truly repulsive." Ardyn gagged, and from the foul and almost meaty stench alone, he could tell this particular specimen was fresh.
Very fresh!
"No wonder the daemons avoid the top of Ravatough. This bird is disgusting!"
Standing in front of the truck, Ardyn looked down at the ground and instantly regretted the decision he was about to make.
He could always float to get closer to the driver's side of the abandoned truck; however, he did not want to run the risk of ruining his carefully articulated plan, which was almost 30 years in the making. Knowing his luck, some lunatic passerby, who enjoyed running about in the 38 °C (100F) summer's heat, would spot him!
"I suppose I could lean over to reach the door handle…." He muttered to himself before quickly abandoning that ridiculous idea with a violent shake of his head!
Falling into this mess and destroying his precious hat and coat was unthinkable! He'd rather spend a further 2000 years on his godsforsaken rock, waiting for another Champion of the Crystal to be born, than risk landing face-first in a pile of shit!
No, unfortunately, if he wanted the treasure that was hidden away under the driver's seat of this truck, he was going to have to, very reluctantly, step in the Zu's fresh and foul-smelling filth.
"Oh, the things I do for pleasure…"
Pinching his nose to block out the horrendous stench, Ardyn tiptoed close to the truck, trying his hardest to only stand on the barely visible vibrant green patches that bled through the gigantic bird's mess!
Squelch!
Every daemon crawling under Ardyn's skin recoiled away in disgust when the sound met his over sensitive ears.
"Gods above!" Ardyn heaved, closing his eyes, tilting his head up towards the blue sky in the hopes he didn't breathe in the faecal matter he had just disturbed. "What the hell am I doing?!"
"HEY!"
Raising an eyebrow at the alarmed battle cry coming from behind him, Ardyn glanced over his shoulder and saw a man, wearing all black, running straight for him at speed.
"Oh for the hopeful demise of the Hexatheon…"
Shaking his head, Ardyn hated how right he was about the human race sometimes; therefore, he had been right in not using his scourge-tainted powers to gain access into the truck without getting his boots covered in shit. It was 3 pm in the middle of a hot summer's day! This dolt was going to pass out due to the heat if he wasn't careful-
"GET UNDER THE TRUCK!" The man shouted, stumbling as he landed on the green terrain, after jumping over one of the large grey rocks that dotted the area.
"Huh?" Ardyn questioned, aimlessly scanning his golden eyes around him, hoping that this insane person was talking to someone else.
Anyone else!
Because there was no chance on Eos he was getting under that truck! For his coat would be utterly destroyed! Not to mention what would become of his beloved fedora-
"GET UNDER THE TRUCK!"
The man repeated loudly, this time with more urgency behind his conviction, as he drew closer to Ardyn and the pile of Zu shit splattered all over the grass.
Oh fuck, he was!
Before Ardyn could voice his confusion and refusal to follow through with this mad stranger's baffling commands, the ground beneath his feet started to shake. The truck beside him began to rock, and the surface of the once calm and steady lake jumped and rippled on its own accord.
"What the-"
SNAP!
The sound of two very large and ancient trees, on the border of the Nebulawood, snapping in two, caught Ardyn's attention immediately.
Wood splintered in all directions! Green leaves, vibrant blossoms, colourful feathers and birds' nests exploded as a bloodthirsty Behemoth emerged from the destruction with a mighty roar; so loud it could shatter glass.
With his enhanced daemonic eyesight, Ardyn could tell that this was not just any Behemoth.
This was the infamously deadly Behemoth, known to the locals as Deadeye, and with his heavy pounces, scythe-like claws, incredibly strong tail, and razor-sharp teeth, he was bounding straight towards him!
"I said get under the fucking truck!" The stranger yelled.
Before Ardyn could comprehend what was happening, the man had reached him, roughly grabbed the front of his coat and pulled him down to the ground, directly into the pile of disgusting bird shit.
A strong pair of legs locked with his own and the Chancellor of Niflheim was forcibly rolled in one of foulest substances currently known to man, directly under the truck. Not being given an opportunity to be outwardly disgusted by what was happening to him, Ardyn's momentum sharply came to a painful and abrupt halt.
Finding himself lying on his back, trapped in a small confined space under the truck, Ardyn tried not to gag at the smell. The horrendous meaty, decomposing stench flooded his nostrils and had only been made more pungent after being covered in it from head to toe. However, he was unable to get away from the smell as the man, who was also covered in bird shit, was lying on top of him, holding him down.
In that moment, glowering up at the man who had forced him in this position, Ardyn felt nothing but anger as he snarled at him.
"You have ruined my coat-"
A large hand slapped over his mouth, muffling the end of his sentence.
This one action caused Ardyn's golden eyes to flash yellow with rage! He could not believe the sheer audacity of this individual! Not only had he ruined one of the only things Ardyn truly cared about, but he had silenced him with his shit-covered hand!
"Shhh!" The stranger above him whispered harshly, his ice blue eyes burning with what looked to be controlled panic. "Or you'll get us both killed!"
Oh please! Ardyn thought to himself, rolling his eyes dramatically. You have no idea how inviting dying sounds!
A low growl from the highly aggressive beast, circling around the truck like a shiver of hungry sharks stalking their prey, flooded his ears, making the man on top of him tense up slightly.
Oh, how do I manage to get myself tangled up in situations like these?!
Lying on the shit-covered grass, Ardyn could feel every heavy vibration go straight through his body as Deadeye dragged his bloodstained claws over the ground while sniffing the air, trying to catch their scent. The Chancellor could feel the wind rush under the truck and blow more shit and dirt in his face every time Deadeye swayed its extremely muscular and powerful tail, continuing on its hunt. Being a 2000-year-old immortal daemon, Ardyn wasn't bothered by this creature in the slightest, since it couldn't do any permanent damage to him. But the feeling of being trapped by an extremely rude gentleman who was still lying on top of him, doing all he could to prevent his movements, that did cause Ardyn's chest to become tight and send the monsters crawling under his skin into a frenzy.
Being forced into such a confined and tight space, along with the sound of heavy breathing and wind coming from all directions, Ardyn's hands were subconsciously shaking. Memories of his centuries-long isolation and incarceration were slowly bleeding to the surface, and panic was-
No! Ardyn shook his head, forcing his gaze away from the man and towards the beams of sunlight to distract his racing thoughts. He had to remind himself he wasn't there. Think of something else! Anything else!
Suddenly, the light that Ardyn hoped would subdue his spiralling thoughts was blocked as a set of crimson fangs came into view.
"Stay. Quiet." The man above him barely whispered, through a series of controlled breaths.
Ardyn paid no mind to his panicked words; instead, he found his overreactive mind growing in awe at the sight before him.
The mighty and deadly Behemoth, who had wrecked nothing but havoc on the region of Duscae, moved until its face came into his direct line of view, allowing the Chancellor to have a proper look at Deadeye and the reason why it had granted that particular alias.
It's massive, white, and heavily damaged eye.
Thankfully, more for the stranger's benefit than his own, since he was the one Deadeye had been chasing; there were no signs of movement at all in the Behemoth's eye. Which meant it couldn't see them hiding under the truck.
Over the years, Ardyn had heard some fearsome tales about this particular beast, but he never dreamed of seeing it up close and personal. Many had claimed that when Deadeye was a juvenile, it was also double the size of what it should have been, giving the creature the confidence to raid the local farms for their precious livestock with little to no resistance! Some stated that the raw aggression and power Deadeye had was the core reason that other Behemoth sightings in Lucis were every few and far between, since it had slaughtered its own kind to annihilate the competition for resources. Others spread rumours that Deadeye's relentless and brutal hunting tactics had been the main cause of at least three different species within the region of Duscae to go extinct within as many years. Ardyn remembered last year that Deadeye had gotten itself on international news! A group of the finest hunters Lucis had ever seen had all perished during their admirably heroic attempt to put an end to the Behemoth's tyranny; while Deadeye walked way from that encounter on top, and practically unscathed! Completely free to hunt and destroy the ecosystem as it saw fit!
Was that what this idiot had been trying to do? Ardyn thought, keeping his eyes on the beast. Become some sort of hero by taking on Deadeye himself?!
Taking in the beast's physical appearance now, hearing its loud, long and aggressive growls, and being actively hunted by it, Ardyn was inclined to believe all of those rumours.
You are an absolutely fascinating creature to behold…
"He'll give up soon." The stranger with the short brown hair covered in Zu shit and sweat whispered in a very calming tone, drawing Ardyn's attention away from the danger prowling around outside. "Not many things can stand the Zu's scent. Lucky for us, neither can Deadeye. He ain't gonna want anything to do with us smelling like this. Don't worry."
Worried?! Ardyn scoffed in his head, scowling in defiance at the stranger's words. I am not worried! How dare you insinuate that?!
"Just be quiet, and I promise, I'll get us out of this. Okay?"
After what seemed like a lifetime, the man removed his revolting hand away from his mouth.
Finally!! I can breathe!!!
Letting go a tiny sigh of relief, Ardyn tried his hardest to silently spit away the unthinkable substance from his lips. As much as he wanted to wipe off the filth the stranger's hand had left behind, he fought through the temptation! His poor coat and gloves were so heavily soiled in the Zu's faecal matter that any attempt to clean himself up would only result in putting more shit on his face.
Literally!
Oh… there is no chance I'm going to be able to salvage my precious coat, is there?
"Hey! Hey! I understand this is stressful. Please try to stay calm." The man continued to whisper, once again speaking in that annoyingly calm tone, briefly shifting his gaze to his right to keep a vigil on Deadeye.
"Calm? I am calm!" Ardyn growled back, following the stranger's lead by keeping his voice barely audible so he didn't draw any unwanted attention.
Deadeye may not be able to kill him, but that didn't mean getting torn to pieces by the world's most infamous Behemoth would hurt any less!
"Okay." He nodded in a way that Ardyn found incredibly patronising. "It's just… you're shaking."
Oh fuck!
Ardyn didn't need visual confirmation to know that the stranger was telling the truth.
The moment he had voiced his concerns, Ardyn could practically feel his entire body vibrate. Every single muscle was contracting and relaxing to the point where it physically hurt. His scourge-infested blood was pumping the thick black goo around his system at a phenomenal rate, his breathing was shallow, and he was grinding his teeth together so hard, he swore he could hear them cracking under the pressure.
"Take a deep breath. Like I said, he'll be gone soon."
"It's not the damned Behemoth that's the problem!" Ardyn begrudgingly admitted, digging his nails into the ground below in a bid to cease the uncontrollable movement in his hands. "I don't like confined spaces."
"…seriously?"
"What?! What do you mean 'seriously-'"
Ardyn's words were drowned out by the sheer volume and power of Deadeye's ear-shattering roar!
The ground underneath him tremored once more, shaking the shit-covered truck from side to side as the violent vibrations surged through the Duscain region. However, and much to Ardyn's relief, the heavy sounds seemed to be travelling away from them and back towards Nebulawood.
Thank fuck! I can get out from under this bloody truck!
That idea only solidified when louder snapping and thunderous echoes of trees felling flooded his senses. In the distance, another roar erupted from the creature, claiming its undisputed position of apex predator in the surrounding area, before it retreated to its hidden lair somewhere deep in the woods.
And then silence.
Not even a single bird could be heard in the thick absence of anything.
It wasn't really surprising that the fauna of Duscae had yet to reemerge from their hiding places. After a traumatic and/or dangerous event, silence tended to follow. Perfectly normal and natural survival tactic that had been ingrained in every living thing over billions of years of evolution. However, it would appear that the stranger, who had so crudely ruined his coat, had not gotten that memo!
"Told you he'd leave." He said smugly, shimmying off Ardyn to crawl out from under the truck and bathe in the glorious afternoon sunlight.
Ardyn didn't know whether the stranger's stupidity was catching or if he was simply desperate to get out from under the truck, but he rolled onto his hands and knees, and quickly followed the man into the light, whilst trying not be sick. With every movement, he could feel his clothes begin to peel away from his skin, his gorgeous hair was stuck together in clumps and the smell… Ardyn was certain he was going to need at least twenty showers and ten baths just to tackle the very unpleasant and potent odour. He didn't even want to think about how many soaks and washes it would take to remove every disgusting and unwanted particle from his body!
Despite the relief he felt about no longer being trapped in the small and dark space, the moment the burning light of the sun touched his skin, the daemons in Ardyn's head started to scream in pain.
During the chaos, Ardyn's hat had been flung off his head, and unfortunately, but not surprisingly considering how his day was currently turning out, it had landed less than two feet away from the truck, directly in a pile of Zu shit. Meaning he now had no way of shutting the daemons up until he got out of direct sunlight.
I really can't catch a fucking break today!
"Need a hand?"
Looking up, Ardyn frowned at the outstretched hand being offered to him, in pure disgust. The man's entire hand was covered in a white residue, with visible streaks of brown running along his palm.
This is truly an insult to injury at this point!
"I don't bite." The stranger laughed, making light of Ardyn's hesitation.
"Your hand is covered in shit." Ardyn replied, pure venom behind his words as he snatched his heavily solid hat up from the ground.
"Yeah? Well, so are you."
"Whose fault is that?"
"You got me there." The man nodded, refusing to drop his hand, keeping his offer of help wide open. "I'm renting out the caravan at the service station up the hill. I'll let you freshen up there. Least I can do for… all of this."
With the pounding in his head, caused by the daemons' endless screams, the powerful smell radiating off himself, and the smallest chance to salvage what he could of his precious clothes, Ardyn let out a long sigh full of frustration and took the man's hand.
Even if he was livid with the individual who had literally pushed him into a pile of shit, Ardyn was still a gentleman and gave him a very forced, yet thankful, smile as he was pulled to his feet.
"Thank you."
"Not a problem." He replied, letting go of Ardyn's hand. "I'm Cor, by the way."
"Ardyn."
The Chancellor introduced himself, trying not to think about the way his hair stuck to his face as he lightly shook his fedora to get some of the faecal matter off it.
When it didn't work, he briefly closed his eyes in despair, before locking eye with the man who had now identified himself as Cor. "I don't suppose there is a dry cleaners around here?"
Cor shook his head, sympathetic to Ardyn's current plight. "Afraid not. You're gonna have to travel to Lestallum for that."
"Isn't that fantastic…"
"Hey, I'm sure we can clean it at the caravan." Cor said encouragingly, pointing over his shoulder. "Along with everything else."
"I think we are going to need more than a standard 15-year-old washing machine to clean all of this…" Ardyn lamented, looking down at him in self-pity.
That's even if a measly caravan in the middle of Duscae had a washing machine! If it didn't, Ardyn feared he was going to have to revert back to his old ways of washing his clothes in the lake! He hadn't done that for two thousand years, and knowing the types of animals that spent their days submerged in the water, and the amount of bacteria that thrived in open bodies of water, he never wanted to go back to that practice again!
"Don't look so defeated!" Cor said in an upbeat tone, breaking Ardyn's train of thought. "We haven't given it a go yet. Come with me, and we'll sort something out."
Looking skyward, Ardyn felt his shoulders sink, and his chest deflate, knowing he didn't really have much of a choice but to follow Cor up the hill; not if he wanted to be accepted back into society, that was. Despite being the cause of ruining everything Ardyn currently cared about in life, this Cor genuinely appeared as if he was sorry for what had transpired and wanted to make up for it.
And who was he really to look a gift horse in the mouth-
"Oh! Hold on!"
Ardyn gasped; his words stopped Cor in his tracks as Ardyn twirled around and reached for the handle of the driver's side of the truck, before he threw the door wide open.
"What are you doing?" Cor asked curiously, watching with a little confusion as Ardyn rummaged under the driver's seat.
"Getting what I originally came here for!"
"Huh?"
Merely two seconds later, Ardyn dragged a heavy wooden crate out from under the seat and held it close to his chest in triumph! To his utter delight, at a glance it didn't appear as if the crate, or more importantly the contents inside of it, had been damaged!
"What's that?" Cor questioned, cocking his head to the side slightly to try and make out what the half-worn-away label on the crate said.
"This is a crate of vintage 705 M.E. of the finest Alitissian red wine." Ardyn proclaimed proudly, finally walking out of the Zu's mess and onto the clean green grass. "Incredibly rare to get your hands on. Well, that is, unless you are in the know."
"Hold on, let me get this straight." Cor said, trying not to sound too amused as he raised his hands slightly. "You willingly stepped in Zu shit for wine?"
"Certainly." Ardyn nodded with pride. "And I'd do it again. Just… perhaps not the rolling in it part."
Cor laughed. "You and me both."