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Matt was someone who simply didn't know what a secret was. During the 17 years Jay had known Matt, he had heard all sorts of trivial details—from how many moles Matt had on his body, to how old his grandmother was, to the fact that he wore the same size Spider-Man underwear until he entered middle school, to the fact that his uncle in Quebec ran a brewery, and even to the fact that the elderly dog Matt had raised until he was nine had passed out after eating cannabis leaves next door.
However, looking back, Jay was just as open book. Over the years, Jay had dated several women, but most of them stood him up on the second date. Each time, Jay would buy a beer and sip it on his way home. Just as he was about to lie down on the sofa half-drunk, Matt would rush over and pry into every detail about the woman. Jay never avoided answering and poured out everything. She said she's from America. Her father is German. She likes adventure, but her problem is that she has no guts. We were in such a good mood. Why is she avoiding me?
We even had a plan to go watch La La Land together.
Then Matt said,
“You dummy, what do you mean by watching La La Land? You should be Ryan Gosling. You're a pianist! You're supposed to captivate her with sweet melodies.”
Jay snorted dismissively, while Matt beside him launched into a lengthy explanation of his plans; fully intoxicated, Jay crept up from the sofa and played the piano dramatically. Watching this, Matt would grin broadly and applaud boisterously. "That’s fine. Passionate music! Mezzo forte!"
"Nah, this is a fortissimo."
“Anyway, play the piano at the first meeting. The woman will totally lose her mind.”
Of course, Matt's words never turned out to be true. Matt's preposterous plans and strategies had never worked even once. But that didn't really matter. The important thing was that there was always someone who listened to me sincerely, someone who would give me advice even if it was nonsense, and someone I could confide in about anything. It was the fact that Jay was not alone.
Jay woke up, tossing and turning in bed. It was still dark outside the window. He checked the clock; it was just past 5 a.m. Waking up this early, Jay tends to lose the ability to separate dreams and reality. Unable to find the boundary between the dream of Justin Bieber becoming the Prime Minister of Japan and the reality of burying his nose in the musty-smelling bed, Jay dozed off.
Just then, Jay became self-aware little by little. Matt had built a time machine. Jay was a rock star for a while. Then... he shot and killed someone, hung wires from a tower, and, my God, Matt burned to death... Matt died... No, Jay had set everything right...
Matt is alive. He is sleeping soundly on the sofa on the first floor, snoring unsightly.
It's all just a bad dream.
Only then was Jay able to exhale the breath he had been holding. His fingertips were as cold as a corpse. He neatly spread his cold hands and rubbed them against his hot face. Tears threatened to well up, so he squeezed his eyelids shut and repeated to himself. Matt is alive. That idiot doesn't even know what happened. It's all just a terrible dream.
Then Jay realized. The reason he was so lonely was not for any other reason, but simply because all of it was just part of a terrible dream.
He won't be able to tell anyone what happened. A therapist will diagnose that he is delusional, and his friends will treat Jay like a lunatic. Well, Matt will believe him, as he is the kind of person who clearly believes in Santa Claus at that age. But how could he tell Matt? How could he tell that he stabbed him in the back? How could he tell that he tried to erase Matt from his life just to become famous? Matt was already incredibly hurt when Jay tried to perform without him. The world literally changed because of the things Matt did out of that hurt. How much more so would he feel about the things Jay did afterward!
Jay concluded. He'd rather be treated like a lunatic. It would be even worse if Matt believed him and got hurt.
Jay decided to keep everything a secret.
No sooner had he made up his mind than drowsiness washed over him again. He could faintly hear Matt snoring from downstairs. Without showing any annoyance, Jay used Matt's snoring as a lullaby and drifted back into a bizarre dream, engulfed in the illusion that Justin Bieber was sweetly singing "Baby" with a Japanese accent.
Jay had a few more dreams after that.
In the first dream, Matt takes out old Spider-Man underwear from the closet and shows it. Justin Bieber's "Baby" plays in a messy melody, and Matt’s wide smile spreads all over his face. Two deep wrinkles appeared next to Matt's nose.
You show me something fun, too.
Jay hesitates, then rolls up his shirt to reveal a terrible Pikachu tattoo. The Pikachu has a crazy face, as if it has rabies. Matt bursts into uncontrollable laughter at the sight of the tattoo, and Jay can't help but giggle as well. Turning his head, he hears Jared's snickering. Unable to hold back his laughter, Jared is barely managing to hold up the camera with his trembling hands. The perspective shifts, and a finely trembling image appears in his mind.
Matt and Jay look happy. The camera shows Matt's silly laugh, then zooms in on Jay's side profile.
It's a good thing to have no secrets.
At that moment, in a very brief instant, the corners of Jay's mouth tremble. His eyes gleam anxiously, and he cannot find his bearings, as if he has committed a crime against Matt. The video endlessly rewinds to that fleeting moment. The sound of the tape rewinding rings out hysterically.
"It’s a good thing to have..."
Jay reaches out to stop the video. With a keyboard and mouse in front of him, he frantically mashes the space bar. But the video does not stop. Even if he presses the arrow keys, spams random keys, or clicks the mouse until it breaks, he is trapped in that moment forever.
"......No secret."
In the second dream, Jay stands at the edge of the tower. However, Matt is not with him. There is no cable either. All he can see is a piano standing there out of nowhere. Jay walks and walks, trying to find the door to enter the tower, but he is blocked on all sides. He keeps walking. He walks until he has forgotten how many times he has gone around. Then, a piano appears around a corner, and he collides violently with it. The piano rolls down helplessly, as if it were an empty box, and plummets down toward the city below.
bang!
The sound of a piano hitting the ground and shattering into pieces is ridiculously avant-garde.
In the third dream, Jay is walking down the street with Matt. For some reason, Matt looks depressed. At that moment, Jay realizes that Matt has found out. He must found out that the world is not a paradise filled with optimism and adventure, and that Jay will not be in his back forever. Jay wants to shout at Matt. That it doesn't matter, that no matter what the world looks like, we can just ignore it and live on. Didn't you say that if you have good friends, you don't even notice you getting older? Jay is seized by the urge to mold Matt's gloomy expression with both hands to fix it.
But he does nothing. Jay walks, staring only at his feet, feeling lost. Matt follows him. The two trudge past Rivoli. A faint song plays from the cafeteria next to Rivoli.
What's up with my heart when it skips a beat (skips a beat)
Can't feel no pavement right under my feet (under my feet)
Up in my lonely room
When I'm dreaming of you
Oh what can I do (wah oooo)
I still need you, but I don't want you now
In the last dream, Jay is lying in bed. Everything surprisingly looks real—the appearance of the room, the humidity, even the shapes and colors of the objects. However, his vision is so hazy and blurry that it is difficult to make out what is what. Jay looks around and comes face-to-face with someone standing in the doorway. A chubby person standing awkwardly, wearing a ridiculous hat. He feels like he has seen this somewhere before...
Jay realizes it in an instant. It's Matt. He is frozen in the middle of the room, looking as bewildered as a deer that has jumped in front of a truck. What a joke. Jay chuckles weakly. What are you doing here? Matt's expression becomes even more dramatic. He scrambles as if he is about to run away at any moment. Ah, did I just say that? Matt nods. What? Did I just say that too? Matt nods enthusiastically.
That's funny.
"Yeah, it’s funny." Jay hears Matt smirking.
What are you even here? Aren't you sleeping downstairs? Is this a dream?
"Yeah." Matt nods. "It's a dream. You're dreaming right now."
I see. Jay yawns, his mouth wide open. He is exhausted to death. Then, suddenly, Jay remembers that today is the day to execute the baseball game plan. Matt, do you remember the baseball stadium plan? Matt from the dream, tell me. What do you think it will be like? Will it work out?"
"Uh, yeah! The baseball stadium plan." Matt looks like he is deep in thought. There is no answer for a while. "Right. Yeah, that thing. Hmm, I don’t know. Didn't it work out well?" Not "Will it work out well" but "didn't it work out well"—what on earth does that even mean? However, Jay is too tired to nitpick every detail. Right. It will work out. Jay speaks to Matt in a tone closer to encouragement than prediction. Hearing that, Matt smiles awkwardly.
Matt suddenly speaks up.
"You know, Bird."
huh?
I know what it is.
what?
“Time travel.”
The moment he heard those words, Jay's heart sank. What? What are you talking about? What the hell is that? Jay snapped in an exaggerated tone of anger. Did you eat something wrong? What are you even talking about, you idiot?
"Don't get mad. I know everything. I figured it all out."
Jay is speechless.
......How did you find that out?
"That's not important." Matt strides forward. "The important thing is whether you tell me downstairs about it."
why?
"Why? Isn't it obvious? You're going to try time traveling all by yourself?" Matt's voice rises endlessly. "That's crazy! We could have an awesome adventure! Just the two of us!"
Matt, time travel isn't that amazing... You might not know this, but... Jay stops abruptly in the middle of speaking. These are memories he doesn't even want to talk about. Bad things happened. I did terrible things. I betrayed our friendship. I was satisfied for a brief moment with a world without you, but it didn't take long before I realized something was seriously wrong. But just as I realized that, you died because of me. Matt, it was truly awful. Do you understand? I never want to disappoint you again, and I don't want to live in a world without you. I will never do such a thing again. It's all in the past now. I'm going to forget about it and move on.
Jay pours out words as if vomiting, even surprising himself. Matt looks slightly surprised as well. "It's... kind of touching." Watching him say that in such a dazed tone is a bit funny.
“Tell me exactly what you said.”
what?
"Tell me exactly what happened. Then Matt downstairs will understand, too. Trust me."
Why... do I have to do that?
"Bird. I'm not an idiot." Matt continues in an uncharacteristically firm tone. "I already know you have a problem. I don't know what it is, but I know something is wrong. You're looking at me with the same look Ryan Gosling has at Emma Stone at the end of La La Land."
The La La Land again? Damn it.
"That's exactly what I want to say! This isn't Greenwich Village, it's Toronto! If you're going to act like that lost little puppy all by yourself, at least tell me what's wrong. I want to help. I know you're a bit sick of my, what do you call, those ridiculous plans, but I want to help you, even if it means doing it this way."
Jay says nothing. He cannot say anything.
"You said it, didn't you? That you don't want to live in a world without me? I feel the same way. I don't want you to live in a world without me, either. But if you don't tell me about such a big thing, if you don't try to go on an adventure with me because of it, I will remain unaware of a huge part of you. You will be living alone in a world without me. I wouldn't want that. I'd rather burn to death."
Silence falls. Jay awkwardly clears his throat. He blinks his eyes like someone searching for something to say. After a long time, Jay finally manages to speak in a choked voice.
Don't say things like that, even as a joke.
"Sorry."
No, I'm sorry too.
"Are you going to tell me? What happened?"
Okay, I'll tell you everything.
"For real?"
Yeah, for real.
"Then I'll be going. I hope the baseball stadium plan goes well."
Huh.
The baseball stadium operation ended in failure.
This time, they managed to land inside the dome, but they hadn't factored in the fact that a game was in progress. Matt dramatically crashed into the middle of the field during the game and was knocked unconscious instantly after being hit in the head by a double. When Jay belatedly landed following him, Matt was slumped over like a heatstroke elephant. Matt regained consciousness not long after, but he looked disappointed that he had fainted before his feet even touched the ground, let alone mentioning Rivoli.
"We need to plan our next strategy. We can't give up like this."
Jay nodded. "Right, right. Let's eat first and think about it." At the same time, Matt's stomach rumbled. Matt reluctantly agreed to have lunch.
Matt and Jay found a suitable Chinese restaurant and took their seats. The moment their bottoms touched the chair, Matt poured out a storm of flashing ideas, scribbling on a napkin with a ballpoint pen. "It'll work this time." Surely it will. Jay didn't bother to object to the plan and fixed his gaze on the napkin. However, Jay's mind was elsewhere. He thought about the four strange dreams he had today, and the last one in particular. Matt, who knew about time travel. Matt, whom Jay knew. Just the thought of it made his stomach churn. It felt like the loneliness deep within his heart was being pricked repeatedly.
"Bird. Hey, Bird!"
It was only after Matt snapped his fingers that Jay was finally freed from his endless daydreams. "Sorry, sorry. I was just thinking about something else for a moment." Jay waved his hand dismissively, trying to avoid Matt's wide-eyed gaze. But it was no use. Matt had already begun staring at Jay with the intent to pierce through his very soul. As Jay turned his head to the side, Matt leaned in and fixed his eyes.
"Ew, what are you doing!"
Is there a problem?
What are you talking about?
"Look at your face." As Matt said this, he held the back of a metal spoon up to Jay's face. His already long face looked twice as long.
"I don't see anything......"
Silence. Jay could hear muttering voices from all directions. Even as Matt and Jay were in this state, time did not stop flowing. Listening to the ambient sounds, Jay realized something. Just because he didn't say anything to Matt, just because Matt was unaware of his experiences, they could not go back to the way things were before.
The Matt standing before Jay right now was a new Matt. And it wasn't just because Matt from another timeline had been electrocuted and died. The Ship of Theseus. Everyone changes little by little. And at some point, they become a completely different person. Even if one has time-traveled and returned to the past, it is no exception. Amidst all those events, Jay had changed. And since Jay had changed, Matt must have changed as well.
Nothing can be turned back. Jay imprinted this fact deep in his heart as he repeated to inhale and exhale. Nothing can be turned back. People grow old, and everything changes.
But anyway, Matt is still Matt. Jay is still Jay.
"Okay." Jay let out a deep sigh. "I'll tell you what happened."
“Bad things happened. I did terrible things. I betrayed our friendship. I was satisfied for a very brief moment with a world without you by my side, but it didn't take long before I realized that world was terribly wrong. But just as I realized that, you died because of me. Matt, it was truly awful. You know? I never want to disappoint you again, and I don't want to live in a world without you. I will never forget those things.”
Jay's explanation took nearly two hours. He literally told everything. From the story of how he started time traveling to the silly dream he had. He even explained all the thoughts he had behind it all. After reaching the final part of the story, a long silence fell over the dining room. Matt remained silent. Jay assumed that silence was a sign of disappointment and contempt.
"It's fine even if you say you don't want to see my face," Jay said, unable to bring himself to meet Matt's eyes. "I'll accept it if you kick me out of the house."
Matt still had no answer.
"I just... I don't know. I wanted to be honest with you. I hated that there was something I couldn't tell you." Jay cleared his throat, feeling awkward after speaking. If only Matt had answered! If only he had gotten angry! If only he had flipped the table over and thrown things around right then and there, Jay would have felt so relieved. But Matt just sat there like a dazed man, and Jay found himself fiddling with his chopsticks, unable to even dare to look at Matt's face.
"......I'll give you some time to think. Tell me later."
Jay got up from his seat and left the restaurant. He felt unwell. He thought he would feel relieved. He wondered if he had done the right thing. He wished Matt would appear in his dreams again tonight to give him some advice. But such things would not happen. Walking alone down the dim street, Jay felt as if his body were slowly sinking into the ground.
That evening, Matt did not come home until late at night. Jay sat on the sofa waiting for Matt, but he couldn't even catch a glimpse of the top of his hat. He tried to hold out and hold out again, but eventually, unable to fight off the overwhelming sleepiness, he dozed off on the sofa.
After a few hours had passed, he felt a touch on his shoulder. He was so exhausted that he tried to shake the hand off, but they were incredibly persistent. Jay barely managed to open his heavy eyelids, and just then, he spotted Matt waving his hand right in front of him.
"Bird, Bird. Are you awake? I have something to tell you. You told me to talk to you later once I had sorted out my thoughts, right? This is it."
Jay's haziness vanished in an instant, and he sprang from his seat. He immediately had a sea of questions. How had he transformed from that dejected look into such an excited one in just half a day? Had he forgiven himself? What on earth had they been thinking? Just as Jay opened his mouth to bombard him with questions, Matt noisily dragged a whiteboard over from the corner.
Bird rescue operation
"I've been thinking about what you told me," Matt said in a very passionate voice, holding a whiteboard marker. "You told me I was in your dream."
"Yeah, right," I said something that stupid.
“I don't think that's a dream.”
Jay was instantly speechless and just gaped. What? What are you talking about? Why are you starting with that random thing? Countless questions swirled in his mind, becoming tightly tangled. However, Matt didn't give Jay even time to collect his thoughts and, filled with excitement, spat out words like a machine gun.
"Do you remember what we said before? That us of 2025 went back to 2008 and ran into our past selves. I told you that I met you while wandering around the old apartment. And the you of 2008 just thought it was a dream."
"That's right. That's true......"
"What if that happened again?"
"What?"
Matt twitched the corners of his mouth as if he had been waiting for those words.
"What if my future self came to meet you to change the past? And what if that past leads to the present? What if I have to go back to the past from here to experience this future again?"
This is totally......
"Terminator! You were going to say Terminator, right?" Matt interrupted. "Sorry, I was thinking the same thing. Yeah. It's Terminator. You're Sarah Connor, and I'm Kyle Reese and John Connor."
"Does that make sense?" Setting aside Matt's cinematic metaphors about Sarah Connor and Kyle Reese—which offered absolutely no help in grasping the situation—Jay managed to ask the most important question. "Is the time really... supposed to work that way?"
“If Back to the Future is made possible, there's no reason why Terminator can't be!”
"Honestly, I thought Terminator was ridiculous."
"Oh, Jaybird, I really love you, but that remark seems a bit blasphemous." Matt rolled his eyes upward and clasped his hands together as if in prayer.
Jay was practically spinning. Just the thought of that damn time travel was enough to make his head explode, but a fusion of Kyle Reese and John Connor? Then dreams aren't dreams, reality isn't reality, and that damn fat bastard exists in the past and the future... Jay felt like he wanted to scream his lungs out. Whether Matt understood his feelings or not, he continued writing more on the whiteboard with a marker.
“I have two theories about that time travel.”
No. 1.
"Every time you change the past, a parallel world is created. So, right now, we are in a multiverse that was formed after a future Matt went back to the past once. The Matt from the other timeline still knows nothing, and Jay is still depressed like a lost puppy."
"Hey!"
Matt didn't even pretend to listen to Jay's protest and immediately wrote number 2, emphasizing the wavyness of the '2'.
"It’s way harder to understand, but there is a possibility that everything kind of time paradox. A structure that keeps spinning and circulating from a specific point in time. If I don’t go to the future now, our reality itself will be turned upside down. The memories you had of that ‘dream’ will disappear."
Jay rubbed his face. His brain was truly on the verge of shutting down. It felt as if the ticking sound of a time bomb was ringing in his ears. He imagined his head exploding, just like the head of the man he had accidentally shot and killed long ago. What was he talking about? Did Matt even realize what he was saying? On top of that, Terminator, The Butterfly Effect, Back to the Future—there were just too many movie names!
"Okay. So... basically, you're saying you plan to time travel to the day I had the dream."
"Bingo! If what you said is true, there should be a time travel device prepared in our front yard, and enough Orbitz dolls left over. We just need to bring ourselves."
"I... I don't know." Jay felt terrible memories consume his brain again. Wasn’t he going back to the time? Was he trapped in a terrible loop? What if, at the end of all this, all that remained was Matt's ridiculous hat, fluttering in the wind, having lost its owner once more? What if he were left all alone? "Do we really... do we really have to do that?"
Matt raised his eyebrows and looked at Jay.
"Do you know why this is called 'Operation Bird Rescue'?"
"No."
"The fact that we came to this future means that at least one other Matt has already time-traveled. At least, that's my theory," Matt said. "That Matt came to save you. To save you from that goddamn misery. To give you the guts to get out of there."
What should I say? Jay looked up at Matt with an expression mixed with fear, worry, and a strange sense of relief. In truth, these were not the words Jay had expected to hear. He thought he would say things like, "I couldn't forgive you," or "You're not my friend," or something like that. That damn time travel. That damn plan. Jay wanted to get angry, but for some reason, he burst out laughing. Matt never changes. Matt always stands there, looking just as innocent as this.
“Matts are saving Bird.”
"Right." That's why Jay liked Matt. "The Matts are saving Bird."
Jay is sitting in front of the dashboard again for the first time in a few months. Two dates are on the dashboard: one is today, and the other is three days ago. Huh, three days. It has been three days since Jay had those ridiculous dreams.
Matt opens the loose Orbitz lid and pours it into the mechanism. Immediately, Jay steps on the accelerator and starts picking up speed. 46. 60. 79.
"Matt?"
"Huh?"
"What else will happen when this is over?"
"I don't know!" Matt staggers over and perches on the passenger seat. "I have absolutely no idea!"
Even though the engine sound isn't loud at all, Matt screams at the top of his lungs. Jay's voice rises along with his. "What kind of nonsense is that! This is all your plan!" Matt grins. Jay has no idea what that means. Not that it matters anyway.
Instead of hissing at Matt, Jay steps on the accelerator even harder and speeds down the road.
80. 83.
88.