Archive of Our Own

Till returns to himself to the sound of a deafeningly loud bang. At first, he's too shocked to even move. He had been fighting and clawing for this control for what feels like years. And now, here he was, and he still felt like he could barely lift a finger. With great effort, he gingerly removes Ivan's comforter off of himself as he prepares to get up. He'd been sleeping in Ivan's bed– Not Till, the thing that had been in his body. When it slept, that was the only time he could even make an attempt to wrest control back. But stupid, stupid Ivan was too heavy of a sleeper to have heard him, and so he remained trapped. Not anymore. Why not anymore?

As his addled brain catches up, he realizes he's alone, and sees the door to Ivan's bathroom is shut. Which strikes him as rather odd, as that thing inside of him wouldn't leave Ivan alone for even long enough to use the toilet. It would have sat outside and wailed if Ivan refused to talk to it through the door. Just thinking about it makes him shudder with revulsion, squeezing his eyes shut and reopening them a few times over to ensure he really is in control of his body, and that it's going to stay that way. He then sits up on the edge of Ivan's bed, eyes falling on the nightstand next to him.

Now, he knows Ivan isn't stupid. If Ivan wanted to hide something from him, then he certainly would have succeeded. He was a fucking mastermind at being able to keep things from Till, whether it be his own emotions or the fact he'd stolen something from him. Which meant that Ivan left a bottle of sleeping pills out because he wanted Till to see them. He wanted Till to know he had put that monster to sleep. It explains why he feels so groggy, anyway. He barely had the energy to move his limbs, but since he could move them of his own will now, he shakily reaches out to grab a folded note that was left on the nightstand. Inside is a note penned in handwriting that looks slightly rushed by Ivan's standards, likely because he was concerned that whatever had taken over Till's body would wake up faster than he anticipated. As his eyes scan the words, he feels his blood run colder and colder.

Till -

The note is hastily abandoned, and as adrenaline kicks in Till finds himself able to move properly again. Ivan told him not to go in the bathroom, so that's precisely where he heads. As it turns out, he had the sense to lock the door behind him. Till furiously jiggles the knob and kicks the door a few times for good measure, but none of this actually opened it. At a loss, he went to nab one of Ivan's many trophies and swung it at the doorknob until it loosened enough that Till could unlatch the lock from the outside.

He didn't know what he expected. He guesses he thought Ivan would be messing with him, the way he always was. That he'd open the door to see Ivan leaning against the sink, fixing him with a knowing grin. To applaud himself for having figured out how to reverse it, and to laugh at Till for having expended all this effort for it. Till would have been enraged beyond belief, but Ivan would have been alive, so it would have been fine.

Instead, he opens the door to cold reality. Blood paints Ivan's formerly stark white bathroom, his black hair matted with it. His body is crumpled in a heap on the floor, with the pistol Unsha kept in his office still in his hand. Till feels his vision start to turn black at the edges, and before he knows it he's on his knees. That thing had taken to sleeping in nothing but one of Ivan's t-shirts, so there were no barriers to prevent him from getting covered in Ivan's blood. As the situation sinks in he starts to hyperventilate, tears streaking down his face.

It wasn't fair, it wasn't fair, it wasn't fucking fair. Things were supposed to go back to normal. He had his life back, he had his body back, and everything was supposed to be normal again. How the fuck could it be without Ivan!? He'd known Ivan practically his whole life. He'd imagined that Ivan would be there, in some capacity, for the rest of his life. He'd never imagined life without Ivan. He wouldn't imagine life without Ivan. Trembling hands reach for the gun, prying Ivan's fingers off of it before rigor mortis had set in enough he wouldn't be able to. Not bothering to wipe his tears away first, Till raises the gun to his temple to join Ivan in death, but then a hazy memory surfaces in his mind.

"Did Ivan ever give you your surprise, Till?" Mizi and Sua were seated with them at a diner, on one of their first double dates now that Ivan and Till had gotten together. Till blinks a few times, turning to Ivan with a smile.

"You have a surprise for me?" and Ivan had laughed, scratching the back of his neck,

"No, it's from Mizi, but I forgot about it. A lot has happened, so…" Mizi giggled, as at this point everyone was just happy their friends had settled their differences. Nothing had gone wrong yet. They weren't aware that what was across from them wasn't Till at all.

"Tooootally understandable." She brushed back her long hair, leaning in to take a drink from her milkshake. "I'm sure you guys have been really busy." At this, Sua makes a face, and kicks a laughing Mizi under the table. "But make sure he gives it to you, okay Till?! They really work, I swear! They'll make anything you wish for come true, but you only get one, so use it wisely!"

At that, Till had leaned his head on Ivan's shoulder, drawing his legs up onto the booth so he could press his entire body against him.

"I don't need to wish for anything. Being with Ivan has already made all my dreams come true."

The gun falls from his hand as he turns to throw up into Ivan's toilet, unable to hold back after remembering how disgusting it felt to have something else commanding his body. He leaves the gun where it is, and makes an attempt to stand although his legs feel like they're about to give out underneath him. Bleary details are starting to connect in his mind. Ivan must have used his wish, and somehow it turned Till into that. How? What had he wished for to make that happen? It was just as terrible for Ivan as it was for him. Till was a desperate possessive wreck, bawling anytime Ivan tried to separate from him for even a moment. He was too concerned with ensuring Ivan's continued affections for him to take care of his basic needs, a task that then fell entirely on Ivan. The thought that he couldn't be blamed for killing himself flits through Till's mind, and his eyes blur with tears again as he thinks about how this is surely all his fault. And Ivan had said he'd make it right. That bastard. That fucking bastard. All he'd accomplished was leaving Till alone with his own guilt.

He leaves the bathroom, his bloody footprints following him as he starts rummaging through Ivan's things trying to find whatever it was Mizi had wanted him to have. But what if Ivan had already gotten rid of it? What if it was all bullshit and it didn't work? What if he wouldn't be able to fix this? What the fuck was he supposed to do? As he's considering running back into the bathroom to kill himself, he dumps the contents of Ivan's last desk drawer onto the floor. Out tumble several of Till's pens and pencils, a sketchbook he had lost a year ago, and–

An oblong white box, emblazoned with metallic red letters that read ONE WISH WILLOW. He scrambles to pick it up, and reads the instructions on the side. As Mizi mentioned, it claimed that it would grant one wish per customer, with no ability for one to gain another, or rescind the previous. All one has to do is state their wish aloud, and then break the branch inside the box. The wish would then take effect immediately. Till all but rips the packaging open, only being careful because he would ruin everything if he broke it before he could even say anything. He holds it gingerly, and opens his mouth to wish, and then quickly shuts it.

He had to be careful, that was all. He only had one fucking chance at this, and he was familiar enough with the idea of the monkey's paw to know how easily things could go wrong. Look what had happened to Ivan, and that guy was supposed to be the smarter out of the two of them.

He shuts his eyes, taking a slow breath in and out. He had to steady himself for this. He had to think. He couldn't just say something like I wish Ivan was alive, because simply wishing death away never went well. At best, he would be dealing with some kind of zombie Ivan that was technically alive, but not at all what he was. At fucking best. And if Ivan's logic was right about his death revoking the wish, Till would turn right back into what he was before as soon as Ivan was deemed living.. It'd end up with both of them dead anyway. No, he had to do something else.

"I wish Ivan had never made a wish." is what he ends up settling on, because surely that would be able to solve things. Surely, right? And as soon as he snaps the branch in half, he feels another overwhelming wave of nausea start to overtake him. His eyes squeeze shut as he waits for it to pass, and when they open again he finds himself sitting in his room, at his desk, and he can hear his phone vibrating. Upon picking it up, he sees Mizi's name on the caller ID, and suppresses a groan.

He loves Mizi dearly. Not in the same way he did when he was a kid with a ridiculous crush on her, but he still thinks of her in much higher esteem than he does pretty much anyone else. Even still, her cheer could be difficult to deal with when he wasn't in the mood for it. Like right now, when all he wanted to do was figure out what the fuck had just happened.

But it's Mizi, so he picks up.

"Hi, Till!" She singsongs a greeting, and his response back that must be hoarse enough to be cause for immediate concern, because she nigh instantly asks "How are you doing?" in a tone that indicates she already fucking knows it's bad. Till doesn't want to have a conversation about it with her ever, let alone right now, so he tries to end the conversation here.

"Fine. Mizi, I'm really busy right now, so I can't talk." There is a long silence on the other end of the line, and Till knows she doesn't believe him. But he wasn't trying to make her believe him, he was just trying to push her away. God, he felt like such an asshole, but he needed to get his head together. Why had he even picked up!?

"Okay," she says, but she sounds so reluctant and unhappy Till almost feels guilty enough to say he didn't mean it. Almost. "Call me back later?" Till says that he will, though he isn't sure if he means it. Then he hangs up, and leans back in his chair, letting out a long exhale. His computer is on, and his eyes fall on the calendar to see that the date is two weeks before he remembers it being. He shoots up straight, leaning in to look at it incredulously. Upon inspection, his phone lockscreen says the same thing. Could that be right? Did he go back in time?

Two weeks. Somewhere in the near future, Ivan must make the wish that ruins both of their fucking lives. Was it really only two weeks ago that it happened? It feels like he was stuck like that for years. His memories of the events preceding it are a little foggy, so he does his best to try and piece together some kind of timeline now that he's here.

Judging from how much his body hurts, he figures Urak must have beat him pretty severely within the past 24 hours. He can kind of vaguely recall it, now that he thinks about it… Urak had beaten him black and blue, and the next afternoon while he was at home nursing his wounds he got a call from Mizi. And just like a few minutes ago, he couldn't help but pick up despite nigh instantly regretting it. She mentioned how she had a fun little surprise for him, and that she wanted him to come over that night, to which Till declined. The dots start to connect, that must have been when Mizi handed out those stupid fucking things. But how soon after did Ivan make his wish? And how the fuck was Till supposed to prevent it if he didn't even know what it was?

Despite the fact that he is feeling just as caustic now as he was in this same position a week ago, if not even more, he decides to call Mizi back. He has to at least try changing things, and this is the first thing he can. Mizi picks up, sounding surprised to hear from him. He can't blame her; she must have known he wasn't actually planning to call her back.

"Hi," he starts, trying his best to keep his tone even. "Sorry about earlier."

"It's OK, Till." Mizi had put on a very soothing voice, as if she was trying to calm down a spooked horse. Which was pretty apt, Till guessed. "Are you alright?" He has to take a second before he responds, because sometimes when Mizi spoke to him this kindly it made him want to immediately dissolve into tears.

"Fine." He says, but his voice catches and it's so obviously a lie that he cringes. He knows Mizi knows it too, and he also knows she's disappointed in him for doing it. They've been friends for years, and it's always been like this. He feels guilty for it, but never enough to stop. An awkward silence hangs over the line as Mizi refuses to deign such an obvious lie with a response, waiting for Till to be the one to continue the conversation. "So, you had something you wanted to talk to me about?", is his attempt to salvage it. To which Mizi says

"Oh, yes! Right. I was gonna have everyone over tonight." Meaning Sua, Ivan, and him. They'd all been inseparable since grade school. "I have a little surprise for everyone. Do you feel like you can come?" It's an olive branch. Sort of. What Mizi is really saying is, Or are you having another one of your episodes where you're going to push away all the people who love you and want to help you?

A week ago, Till had indeed told her he was too busy to come, even though both he and Mizi knew it wasn't true. He wasn't busy in the slightest, he just wanted to rot in his room and play guitar until his fingers bled, which is exactly what he did. Up until… Right, he had gotten a text from Ivan saying he was outside. They had a system like that, Till didn't want Ivan walking up to the doorbell and risk running into Urak, so he texted instead so Till could go and get him from his car. And that's exactly what he had done. He brought Ivan to his room, and Ivan asked him what was wrong. Till of course refused to answer, and they got into a fight about how Till never let anyone help him. The same song and dance they'd been doing for god knows how many years. Then Till told Ivan to get the fuck out, and he did. That's about the last thing he remembers.

Was that when Ivan made his wish? And what did he wish for to make Till act like that? Hanging on his arm, pursuing him desperately, ignoring everything and everyone in favor of him… Even now that it could presumably be all over, thinking back on it makes Till want to puke. He shuts his eyes to quell the urge, and hears Mizi starting to say something like You don't have to come if you don't want to before he realizes he's been quiet for a little too long following her question.

"No, it's– It's okay. I want to come. I'll be there." Because no matter how much he aches from whatever Urak had done to him prior, it pales in comparison to the hell he'd faced afterwards. "Have you asked Ivan yet?" He tries to keep it casual, even though speaking his name sends a spike of anxiety through him, unable to keep the image of his bloodied corpse on the floor off of his mind.

"Not yet..." Mizi responds, in a dubious enough fashion Till is certain she picked up on something off about the question.

"I can call him. I need a ride, anyway." There is a beat of silence before Mizi speaks again.

"I thought you two were fighting." Fuck, had they been fighting? Till can't remember what the hell it must have been about. Besides, they were always fighting. It was rarely anything serious, and it must not be if Mizi is inviting everyone together. Unless this is another one of her Ivan And Till Need To Get Along And Sua We Need To Help Them attempts, and he dearly hopes it isn't. In any case, he just wants to hear Ivan's voice again, so he wants to make the call himself.

"We're fine." He says, because they are, or at the very least they will be. He hopes. The conversation ends after, Mizi ending the call with a cheery See you soon! and he is then left alone with the silence in his bedroom. He opens up Ivan's contact info to give him a call, and he freezes at the sight of his contact photo. It was a candid picture of Ivan, taken at side profile. Till wasn't exactly sure why he liked this picture so much, maybe because it showed some of the real Ivan. He looked bored and mildly annoyed, a far cry from the fake smiles he used around everyone else to keep them in love with him. Ivan hated this picture, which was why Till kept it. It gave him an immature rush of glee to see an Ivan that no one else was able to.

But as he looks at it now, all he can see is Ivan's blood on the floor, how those dark expansive eyes looked as they began to be clouded by death. Till can feel panic start to clog his brain, slowly freezing all of his limbs in place. What if he calls Ivan and he doesn't answer? What if he can't answer, because he's already dead? What if he calls and all he hears is a gunshot? What is he supposed to do?

A thousand terrible scenarios like this flit through his mind, and to shake it he jerks his hand forward, pressing the button to call Ivan. His hands shake madly as he brings it up to his ear, just quick enough to hear Ivan's greeting.

"Till?" Ivan does answer, and he sounds lightly concerned. "I'm at work. Are you alright?

Shit, right. It was the middle of the fucking afternoon. Of course Ivan was at work, that's why Mizi hadn't called him yet. But Till couldn't have waited, he needed to hear from Ivan, and the sound of his voice after the terrifying reality of him never hearing it again nearly came to pass has him ready to burst into hysterics.

"I'm–" fine, he wants to say, but Ivan wouldn't let him get away with lying the way Mizi would. "It doesn't matter. I will be. Can I ask you for a favor?" Ivan hums in agreement, and Till pauses to wipe at his eyes before continuing. "Mizi wants us all to meet up tonight. Can you pick me up?"

"You need me to pick you up..?" In all his relief to hear Ivan alive and well, Till had nearly forgotten exactly how Ivan he could be. He could sniff out all his vulnerabilities like a fucking bloodhound. He knew Till was crying, and he knew that Till hated asking for rides, near always opting to take the bus unless he was hurt badly enough it would be too difficult. Ivan had likely made a justified assumption that Till had been beaten rather severely, which… is true, Till guesses. He was hurting pretty bad. He'd nearly forgotten, all things considered. "What happened, Till?" Ivan asks him despite having a very likely idea of how he was going to answer, and Till wishes it was just Urak that he had on his mind. It would be too much to explain, so he tells Ivan to forget about it and just grab him after work. He then unceremoniously hangs up on him, hitting reject on the return call from Ivan that comes not a second later. The familiarity of it admittedly makes him feel a little better, now that he'd heard Ivan's voice again. It's almost enough to make him believe everything before had just been a bad dream.

Later that evening, Ivan texts Till that he's out front, and Till slides into the passenger seat and allows himself to bask in the familiar feeling of Ivan's leather seats. Ivan doesn't ask him about what had happened again, and they start the short journey to Mizi's. It's a surreal sort of feeling, knowing that these events hadn't happened in the past and he was the one who was changing them. Hopefully, he could change everything.

When they get to Mizi's apartment, she greets them both with a hug and ushers them in. Sua is already stationed on the couch, giving them a nod of acknowledgement before Mizi flounces down next to her. There are 4 thin boxes on Mizi's coffee table, all with the same metallic red writing on the packaging. The sight of them has Till's fingers digging into the fabric of the arm chair as he sits down, and Ivan watches the motion curiously but does not comment. Mizi gestures to the boxes with a flourish, a devious smile on her face.

"Have you guys heard about One Wish Willows?" Till stiffens, and Mizi's eyes light up. "You have! You have, right? I'm shocked, you're usually so behind on this stuff, Till." Till barely gets a chance to wonder what she meant by that before Mizi moves on. "So, these are super hard to get collector's items, but I managed to score one for all of us. They're real magic, and they'll grant you one single wish. But be warned…" Here, she begins to put on the spooky tone of voice she used to use to tell ghost stories at summer camp. The ones that always scared the shit out of everyone, Till included. He feels a chill rush down his spine now too, only because he knows damn well what these things are capable of. "You have to make sure you word your wish carefully, lest there be terrible consequences… There was a guy a little older than us who used his wish to make himself famous. But then, he ended up so famous that his face was plastered everywhere, and people ended up sick of him. Till used to complain about him and everything. In the end, he got murdered by the people who were once his fans…"

As Mizi was finishing her story, Ivan burst out laughing and shattered the mood. It instantly made Till and Sua, who both looked a little spooked, startle out of the reverie Mizi had them under. She turned to glare at Ivan, who was trying to cover his mouth to keep himself contained.

"I'm sorry, Mizi. It's just– Pfft, that happened on The Simpson's. You just tacked on that gruesome ending." Mizi tosses one of her throw pillows at him, which bounces harmlessly off of Ivan to the floor.

"It happened in real life!" She assures, flicking her hair over her shoulder. But now Sua was giggling, too. Only Till still looked pale, and upon noticing Mizi softened. "Aw Till, you don't have to be so scared. Ivan's right, I did make that last part up. But it is true that they can grant wishes, so just make sure you use it carefully, okay?"

Till is all too aware of this fact, and he looks freaked out enough Sua tries to save the situation, snaking one of her hands into Mizi's and lacing their fingers together.

"I'll wish to keep Mizi and I together forever." To which Mizi squeals, letting go of Sua's hand in favor of wrapping her arms around her, nuzzling into her cheek.

"You don't even need to waste a wish on that, Sua! It's already going to happen!"

Mizi and Sua had a tendency to start ignoring that there were other people in the room with them, and Ivan meets Till's eyes with a look that clearly says They're doing it again, one that Till would usually return by mimicking tying a noose around his neck to make Ivan laugh. But right now he's just doing his best to keep from hyperventilating, so Ivan's look just turns into one of confusion before Till looks away. He couldn't help but be scared out of his mind, no one here knew that they were on the precipice of fucking disaster.

Soon enough, Mizi finishes up PDA-ing with Sua to get back to the matter at hand. She hands Ivan his box, and then Till his, and then they are booted out the door, likely so she can get back to business with Sua. Till's just glad they got kicked out before it started getting really out of hand. He stares at the box in his hands quietly, and Ivan doesn't push him to speak, leading the way to his car. He lets Till sit quietly all the way back to his house, in fact, simply turning the radio on at a low volume to try and keep the silence somewhat comfortable for the both of them. When they park in front of Till's house, Till does not get out. Ivan does not rush him, does not talk first, clearly waiting for Till to say what he needed to. But Till was struggling to think about what to say at all. What could he?

Don't you dare wish for whatever you did before? Till didn't even know what it was. Nor does he know what led Ivan to make it. Maybe he was safe now, since he actually went. Or maybe he wasn't, and what he did right now was still incredibly important.

"Do you believe in magic?" is what tumbles out of his mouth, and he wants to kick himself for it because it sounds so god damn stupid. This is so important, and that's the best he could come up with? Naturally, as soon as he says it, Ivan laughs at him. Till can't even bring himself to be mad. He would have wanted to laugh too.

"Don't tell me you believe these things are real?" He's grinning in the way he does when he'd found something new to bully Till over. "They're just party favors, Till. You don't have to take it so seriously just because Mizi is the one who told you about it." In a great show of maturity, Till ignores that jab to focus on what actually matters.

"I do believe in them." He says stubbornly, gravely enough to wipe the smile off of Ivan's face, thinking better of continuing to tease Till about it. "I made a wish on one before and it came true." And so did you, he thinks, but does not say. Ivan merely cocks a brow.

"What did you wish for?" He'd dropped the smarmy tone, and was at least pretending to take Till a little seriously. Till picks at a thread on his sleeve, trying to mull over how to respond. I made a wish so you wouldn't be dead anymore, is still all too alarming. I had to reverse a wish you made in the future, is so ridiculous that Ivan would just laugh at him. Would it be good to be ridiculous? Till didn't fucking know. He had to get him to take this seriously somehow, so probably not.

"I wished for things to stay normal." is what he settles on. It's not entirely a lie, it just doesn't contain the whole truth. At this, Ivan leans back in his seat, attention fully on Till. Till fucking hated when he did this, it felt like Ivan's eyes were boring into his soul, and he could maintain this for hours. Till just keeps his eyes on his sleeves, trying to pretend it doesn't bother him.

"And what is normal?" Ivan had a very specific tone, one Till always had difficulty describing but an easy time picking out. It's the tone that comes right before an argument, specifically when Till has said something Ivan didn't like.

"Like… this." Till started, uncharacteristically meek and hesitant. "You know. Normal. You and me… I like things the way they are." Especially now that he's seen it ruined can he appreciate what he and Ivan have. No matter how much Ivan frustrated him, or how much he frustrated Ivan, they'd still always be there for each other.

"And you wouldn't want them to change?"

"No." Till's answer is immediate, assured, and he watches an expression he can't quite identify flicker across Ivan's face before it smooths back into impassiveness.

"Of course not. Well, you should probably get inside, Till." And then the doors of Ivan's car click, more of a cue to for Till to leave than anything else. Till just balks at him, knowing he did something wrong but unable to pinpoint what. Before, he would have just gotten out and let Ivan drive away. He wouldn't have cared about upsetting Ivan, because Ivan manages to upset him at least 5 times a day and each of them was very likely on purpose. But right now, all he can think is that he doesn't know the way forward, doesn't know what Ivan might do, so instead he says

"What's wrong?" And Ivan simply beams a fake smile at him that would usually make his temper flare, but at the moment just turns his stomach over with anxiety.

"Nothing's wrong. Everything is normal." He sounds cheery, but Till knows something is wrong just from the fact Ivan is turning his words back around on him. He knows Ivan better than anyone else. Granted, this is not exactly a grand achievement considering most people's knowledge on Ivan was nothing at all. But Till knows enough to be able to tell when Ivan is upset, even if he doesn't know what to do about it.

"No, it's not." So he stubbornly doubles down. "I can tell you're upset, and I don't want to leave you." Till's tone is grounded and determined enough it wipes the smile off of Ivan's face, and Till watches shock overtake it instead. For once, Ivan is speechless, a rare enough event Till has to allow himself the chance to marvel at it. He's probably not used to being called on it, as Till tended to run away any time things got a little too vulnerable. And here Ivan was, that vulnerability shining in his eyes, and Till stubbornly looked right back into them, refusing to leave.

Ivan is the one to look away first, fumbling with the buttons at his door to lock them again, indicating he's no longer trying to eject Till from the car. Till then asks to drive back to Ivan's house, and Ivan obliges easily, albeit silently. They drive there in silence, unlock the door in silence, then go up to Ivan's room where they continue to sit in silence, and Till knows it's gonna have to be him that breaks it. But he doesn't exactly know how to, so he thinks on Ivan's reaction instead.

How it seemed like the idea of things staying as they were is what upset him. How Till, affected by Ivan's wish, had proclaimed himself in love with him and started desperately clinging to him at any opportunity. How they started a sham of a relationship, all because Till wouldn't give Ivan any other option. And how Ivan was all too happy to go along with it, until Till's desperation stopped being cute and started being frightening.

Till likes to believe that he's not a complete idiot. And there's really only one reason things could have turned out this way. That, in some capacity, Ivan liked him. Maybe even loved him. It was just difficult to imagine. After all, Ivan seemed to have made it his life's fucking mission since childhood to make Till's life miserable.

And yet. It was Ivan who Till trusted the most, and Till liked to believe that this was mutual. Ivan was always looking out for Till, always the one to comfort him, and in return Till was the only person who got to see into the real Ivan. His own feelings on him were too confusing, so he had locked them up a long time ago and settled into the normalcy of having a "best friend", even though their relationship was far too fraught and complicated to be defined that simply. They were a little more than that, but they were far less than anything romantic. And how could it be romantic? Ivan was anybody's dream man, rich and handsome and responsible, while Till was the equivalent of a stray cat with mange. It didn't make any sense for them to be together, and it made even less sense for Ivan to be the one to be interested in him.

…

Unless it did?

Till had never been skilled at approaching subjects delicately, especially not in this situation where he has no idea how to begin approaching it at all. So he just ends up blurting out "Do you like me?" to which Ivan shoots him a glare.

"We're friends, Till." He says simply, as if that's answer enough. Till supposes it should be, but he's looking for a little more.

"I know. But do you… like me." Till cringes as he speaks, he sounds like a fucking grade schooler asking like this. Ivan tilts his head, appraising him. There's an ice in his eyes that Till recognizes, an indication he is guarding some kind of inner vulnerability like a dragon and is searching for some way to strike Till where it hurts and drive him away from it. Usually, he would succeed. But this time, Till can't let himself run away, no matter how much it hurts.

"I don't know what you're trying to ask me, Till." He sounds exasperated, and lets out a sigh. "Why? Do you like me?"

"I don't know." Till says weakly, and Ivan fixes him with such a look of disappointment that he buries his face in his hands to avoid looking at him. "I mean– I do. I like you. I–" Oh god, he can feel himself starting to cry. His voice starts trembling first, then his shoulders soon follow. "I just thought you'd always be here. I thought that would never change. I thought I'd always– Always have you in my life. I don't want you to go anywhere." At this, he feels the bed dip, and Ivan's familiar presence sitting next to him. Usually, this would be where Ivan knocks his knee against his, or puts an arm around him, something to comfort him. But Ivan's posture stays rigid and uncomfortable, even as he comes closer.

"... Why are you acting like I've already left you?" Ivan sounds uncertain, and he never sounds uncertain. "I haven't gone anywhere. Nothing's changed. We can stay like this forever, Till, just like you want to."

"But you hate it…" Till just can't stop crying, and he feels just as desperate to keep Ivan as the thing that took over him was, and it makes him feel even worse. "You hate it. You fucking hate me. You–"

"I don't hate you." Ivan cuts off this particular brand of hysterics quickly. "Don't say that. I could never hate you." Till sniffles pathetically, lifting his head from his hands to look at Ivan with a tear stricken face.

"Do you want me to be different?" Till asks, wiping his eyes. "Would you like me better? If I was– nicer or something? Would you be happier, if I wasn't like this?" Ivan finally reaches out here, wiping Till's tears with his thumb. He smiles, but his eyes still looks so fucking sad, and Till doesn't understand why.

"I don't need you to change, Till. I don't want you to think about changing yourself because of me. I like the way things are too." So he says, but he looks so miserable while he does that it does little to stop Till's bawling.

"What if I did?" His voice continues to shake. "What if I did change? And I was nice to you all the time. And I never yelled at you or got into fights with you. If I was just– nice. Would you be happier?"

"You wouldn't be Till if that were the case." Ivan swipes Till's tears away one more time, and then withdraws his hand. "So no, I wouldn't be happy. Why are you so concerned about this?"

There is a part of Till that wants to just confess everything. To tell Ivan what had happened, how happy he was at first with that sugary sweet fake Till. But surely even someone as insane as Ivan has his limits, and would rightfully think Till was nuts the moment he started bringing up magic and time travel.

"You can't call me stupid." So Till decides to lie. Ivan promises he won't, and though he's likely not telling the truth, Till continues anyway. "... I had a nightmare."

And then he goes through everything, from start to finish. How he "dreamed" of Ivan having made a wish that changed Till's entire personality, how they ended up in a relationship, how Till's desperation drove them both into a corner, and how the only way out of it was with Ivan's death. Ivan listened to all of it stiffly, but Till was finished crying by the time he had come to the conclusion of the story.

"I don't know." He says, running a hand through his hair. "It just made me think, I guess. What it would be like if we… Y'know. To really… To actually…" He has a hard time figuring out what to say next. It just sounds so ridiculously juvenile to say something like be boyfriends, and there's a part of him that is still humiliated and expects Ivan to reject him. He opens his mouth and shuts it quite a few times, and Ivan simply stares and waits until the moment stretches on too long.

"... Be together?" Ivan offers, but it's still vague enough Till wants to tear his hair out. He didn't want any fucking ambiguity, he wanted to have everything on the table so Ivan wouldn't feel the need to do anything else.

"Date." Till corrects, but it ends up sounding far more forceful than he wants it to be and Ivan makes a noise that sounds a little like he just got punched in the stomach. He attempts to save it by mocking like he had just been clearing his throat.

"For clarity's sake," Ivan starts, and his voice shakes so he clears his throat again. "What exactly are you proposing?" Till kind of wants to strangle him, because he figured date would be clear enough, but of course Ivan couldn't leave it at that.

"That we could… try it." Till's entire face is flushed pink at this point, too embarrassed to even look him in the eyes. "You know. Dating. Like– like Mizi and Sua." Hopefully this would get the point across. They were just sitting across from them hanging all over each other, anyway. Ivan is quiet for a moment, thoughtful, and then his face hardens, settling into impassiveness yet again.

"Because you had a nightmare." He says, and now Till really wants to strangle him. Ivan would do anything– Fucking anything, to discount his words. As if it was that fucking unthinkable that they could be together. Till did know, on some level, that Ivan had his own self esteem issues too. He was always putting himself down in some vague way, implying that he and subsequently his feelings weren't important. It drove Till fucking crazy, because that in itself is probably how they ended up where they were before. And they could end up there again! Till couldn't let that happen, so he had to reel back somehow.

"Because I don't want to imagine life without you, okay!?" So he allows himself to be desperate, breaching into hysterics again. "Because I saw what my life might be like if you weren't in it and the only thing I could imagine doing was fucking offing myself because you're always supposed to be with me!" This stuns Ivan, Till watches his eyes widen and takes a shuddering breath, an attempt to regain some kind of control over his feelings. "... I don't want you to go anywhere. I told you that. So just stay with me."

Ivan stays in place, fixing Till with wide eyes. Till then notes that his shoulders are trembling, and is about to ask if he's ok when Ivan shoots forward, pressing his lips against Till's. Till starts, first instinct to panic as he remembers what his "first kiss" had been like with Ivan. How he had been the one to lean in, body piloted by that thing borne of Ivan's wish. Revulsion threatens to crawl over him, but then he remembers… That wasn't really his first kiss. That wasn't him at all. But it is right now. This is Ivan and him, with nothing in between. So his eyes flutter shut, allowing himself to melt into it, melt into Ivan. It's sweet, short and chaste, and Ivan pulls back with watery eyes. It takes Till's breath away more than the kiss, as he'd never seen Ivan anywhere close to crying before this.

"I'll be here as long as you want me, Till." He sounds so emotional as he says it, and it's difficult to tell if he's about to cry from happiness or sadness. Maybe it's both. The fact that he's still putting himself down ignites Till's temper, so he yanks Ivan into another kiss. This one is angrier, more heated, and he feels their teeth clack together. Ivan melts into it anyway, and when they pull back they're both breathing raggedly.

"I'll want you forever. That's exactly what I'm saying here. Got it? You don't get to talk about leaving me."

"Got it." Ivan repeats, still sounding a little choked up. He at least looks like he's leaning a little into a positive direction, considering how his pupils had dilated to the point his eyes looked almost entirely black. He surges forward again, and their lips meet each others easier this time, his hand on Till's back and Till's curled into the front of his shirt, each pulling the other closer desperately. It feels– mutual, it feels like they both want it, and it's such a fucking relief Till starts crying again, and soon he feels Ivan's lips brushing against where the tears track down his face. Till opens his eyes, and he sees that Ivan is crying now too, and when he reaches to swipe them away with a finger it only makes Ivan cry more.

He wants to ask Ivan how long he'd been waiting for this. Till realizes, now, that he'd been waiting for it for a long time himself. He has just been refusing to acknowledge it. But he has his whole life, now, to ask Ivan these things. Nothing would get in his way this time. He fixed it. This is the beginning of their happily ever after, that would continue on for the rest of their lives.

He'd ask later. For now, he leans in to kiss Ivan again.