Archive of Our Own

He’s tired. So incredibly tired. Everything hurts. It’s the night before the operation. He sits alone on Broadchurch beach, staring out at the deep black waves. His thoughts take him back to the day before. To Miller, his colleague and, in a way, his best friend...

He is grateful for this person. It’s really lovely to have someone like her in his life, especially after Sandbrook.

Miller... no Ellie? Or Miller... Ellie is kind. Too kind. Someone is going to hurt her... No, someone has already hurt her. It’s a tragedy. Her life. Her children’s lives. The woman is so incredibly strong, but not unbreakable. She’s suffering, and if she carries on being so, so... so kind, nothing will come of it...

On the other hand, she’s so much stronger than I am. Her way. She’s a strong, confident and independent woman, and everyone could learn a thing or two from her. I shouldn’t be judging. I shouldn’t be judging her. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m such a bloody prick.

Maybe I’ll die tomorrow. Maybe it’ll finally be over. Maybe I’ll finally be happy, and so will she...

I like her. She’s nice. She’s so incredibly nice, despite the fact that I’m a arsehole.

Hmm... should I write her a letter? After all, I don’t have anyone else who thinks I’m worth anything... no one except her...
But I shouldn’t take advantage of her...
But would Ellie write a farewell letter? Would she be happy about it? Would she need it? Or would it hurt her more? I mean, writing a letter doesn’t hurt anyone, does it? I could just leave it in the holiday flat. She’s got a key... Oh man, now I have to head back to the holiday home... I’m so incredibly tired. Back in his little holiday home, he sits down at his dining table and lays out a sheet of paper and a pen. He starts with, “Dear Ellie, I’m so sorry”, tears up the paper and starts again. He starts again. A different opening? A different apology? Fewer words? More words? Too impersonal? Too personal? Where do you cross the line?!

So he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Then he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Then he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Then he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Then he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Then he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Then he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Then he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Then he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Then he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Then he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Then he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Then he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Then he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Then he starts again.
Then he tears up the paper.

Seventeen times.

In the end, he puts it down on paper:

"Miller.

You know how bad I am with words, but I think you deserve a proper goodbye.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to die tomorrow, in my operation.

Let me be honest. I’m scared. Really scared. But this isn’t about me, it’s about you.

I owe you so much. Your nature, far too friendly and annoying. But honest. I’m so grateful that you just stuck by me. Sure, in a way you were forced to, because of your and my situation.

But you really are the best DS I could have imagined. You’re truly one of a kind, and just take that crap that’s happening to you right now. Obviously, the fact that your husband is the main suspect is awful and hurts so much, but you’re incredibly strong and brave.

I wish you all the very best. I really hope for your sake that everything works out for the best, whether I’m there or not.

I love you, not in a romantic way, but in a friendly way.

Thank you, Miller. Ellie. Ellie Miller.

Yours, A. J. Hardy"

It's short but it's the best he thinks. He hates all of this. Nobody ever cared that much about him, not even his own daughter.

He doubts that she even remembers him. The last time they saw each other, she was just a small kid...

Well after his death she'll have some money at least...