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The room was cold, bright and clinical, except the edges frayed just past her field of vision. On a silver cart rested the same little machine but its wires and tapes and electrodes were neatly packaged up. And her arms rested on the same loveseat from the coffee shop that opened up not too long ago. Her eyes searched the walls trying to sort out the space.
"Okay Carol," a chipper voice said from somewhere. "I'm Jessie, and I'll be overseeing your session today."
Carol looked down at her arms, untethered this time. She could get up and walk away if she really wanted. But her body refused to move even as her mind screamed at her to get up.
"Let me go," Carol said weakly.
"You had a pretty good week didn't you?" Jessie said. "Why don't you tell me about it?"
Carol refused to answer, bracing herself. Then without warming an image flashed on the wall in front of her. She stared down the scene of herself sitting across from Helen, both of them laughing. Helen's foot was subtly extended forward, brushing at Carol's ankle.
The flash of pain hit her arms just as she remembered the moment with Helen herself. A phantom sear coursing through untouched skin. Carol wrestled at the invisible force keeping her in place as the next image flashed. This time she was hugging Helen at her doorstep, standing on her tiptoes with a soft smile on her face.
"She's pretty isn't she?" Jessie commented with cruel satisfaction in her voice. "Do you want to tell me what happened after that?"
Carol's heart began beating faster. Still she shook her head, trying to be in control.
Another jolt hit her, making Carol jump in her seat this time. Why couldn't she just get herself out of this place?
"Tell me, Carol," Jessie said, more demanding this time. "You and I both know the sooner you confess the sooner this will be over."
A figure stepped into the space and leaned into Carol's space.
"You're going to call her again aren't you?" Jessie teased with a sing-song voice. "You just can't get enough of her."
"Go to hell," Carol said with a shaky but defiant voice.
"You know this is all for your own good, Carol," Jessie said. She continued. "Did she make you feel loved like you think you deserve?"
Carol began to panic in earnest, thrashing in the seat, unable to tear past the nonexistent barrier. Was it a force field or her mind? Jessie loomed over her.
"We just want to make you happy, Carol," she said before reaching for the machine.
Carol sprang awake in a cold sweat gasping for air. She shook her wrists free from under the covers and started pressing firm circles into her sternum to ground herself.
Dim moonlight trickled into her sparse studio apartment, and Carol scanned the room. Even in the near darkness she could still spot a few details.
"Blue cup of water. Green blanket," she observed out loud to herself.
It was a silly technique Carol learned from her therapist but surprisingly effective at helping her ease her panic on nights like this. Noticing and naming the things around her brought her back to reality. Little reminders that she wasn't in Tennessee but instead across the country in New Mexico in her own apartment and in her own bed.
She kept looking around quietly naming random things.
"Orange cat stuffed animal. Stack of yellow notepads. Black pens."
Carol looked down at what she was wearing.
"Helen's purple shirt…"
The t-shirt was a leftover from last weekend. Carol had accidentally grabbed the wrong shirt off the floor and was about to peel it off when she caught Helen smiling dopily at the way it hung off her smaller frame. Helen told her to keep it, which Carol assumed was a sneaky way to secure a fifth date.
Carol didn't realize her local bar was hosting a lesbian night until Helen confidently approached her and said she wanted to buy her a drink. Carol, not being one to refuse free alcohol, took up the offer. Helen was easy to talk with, and Carol's heart fluttered against her expectations when Helen stepped just a bit closer to ask for her number. Next thing she knew, Carol was having lunch with Helen a week later, trying to contain a giant smile as Helen played footsie under the table while they chatted over coffee.
That first date snowballed into a second into a third and into a fourth.
All of that brought Carol to where she was now. Alone in her bed, trying to shove down the creeping dread overcoming her. As her breath steadied, she curled up under the covers again and focused on rubbing the fabric of Helen's shirt in her fingers until she lulled back into a restless, dreamless sleep.
Her dreams began infiltrating into her nights with Helen a few weeks after they made their relationship official. Carol thought about asking her what they were after seeing each other for nearly three months, but Helen beat her to the punch with a cheesy "Will you be my girlfriend?" note as if they were high school sweethearts.
The cliche that opposites attract couldn't have been truer with them. While Carol was cautious and half-glass empty, Helen radiated unashamed joy and optimism. Carol could only wonder why someone so happy would be attracted to someone who could fall so gloomy, but she fought down those feelings because Helen also made her feel safer than any past fling could.
But safety was never a guarantee when nightfall came.
The first time it happened Carol tried her best to hide her inner turmoil from Helen. She loved this woman so much, and she couldn't bear the thought of scaring her off. It was an ordinary night beginning with a cooked dinner, a cozy wind down and ended with Carol and Helen tangled up in the sheets.
Carol found herself back in that room, this time wearing Helen's shirt and sleep shorts. The same cart sat just a few feet away as usual with the shock contraption sitting untouched. Across the room were Helen's white bedsheets hung up as a projector screen, and Carol braced herself for the voice.
"Well, well, well," Jessie said. "How was it this time?"
"What?" Carol asked, confused. "What are you talking about?"
"Oh you know exactly what I mean," Jessie said. An image of Helen sprawled out in her bed projected onto the bedsheets. She had the same sweet smile on her face in her slumber that made Carol's heart melt.
"Leave her out of this," Carol snarled.
"It's your third night in a row with her," Jessie stated. She leaned in closer to Carol, who recoiled back as far as she could. "She must be quite good to you. What did you let her do tonight? How many times did you cum?"
Carol refused to answer. She aimlessly tried to squirm out of her seat only to be suppressed back by that same invisible tie at her wrists. Jessie paced around her with a self-satisfied chuckle.
"You know it's not less of a sin if she fucks you like a man," Jessie sneered. "God it's like you never learned anything here."
"You know nothing about Helen!" Carol spat out. Immediately she was met with a zap of pain to her arms, and tears spilled without her even realizing it.
"Oh but we do," Jessie said. "You're a lot more chipper than usual, and it's no coincidence why that is."
The room flashed and now Carol was sitting outside alone in a grassy field of white lilies. The sky was a crisp blue and she felt petals tickle her ankles with the breeze. Carol blinked away her tears when a familiar figure approached.
She instantly recognized her cross country shirt, her tight ponytail and the warm brown eyes that caught her attention the first day of sophomore year.
"Hi, Carol," she said in a lighter voice than Jessie's.
"You," Carol said.
The voice laughed. "I didn't think you'd remember me after all those years. Wow. You're all grown up now, and what am I? Just a faded memory?"
"You know I loved you," Carol pleaded. "If things were different or if we hadn't been caught maybe… But that's not what happened. I have this life now. I have Helen."
"Tell me more about her. Are you sure Helen loves you?" she asked. "You know exactly what sin makes people do."
The voice slowly morphed back into Jessie's. "How do you know Helen isn't just using you to play out her own sick fantasies while you just take it? Don't you think you deserve better?"
Carol tried shuffling away as a cloud cover took over the skies. A low thunder rumbled and her first sweetheart stood over her with a wolfish grin.
Carol jerked awake in Helen's arms, almost elbowing Helen's ribcage.
"Shit!" Carol whisper-shouted. Helen rubbed Carol's shoulder as she tried settling her breath and sank back into their spooning position. Helen pulled her girlfriend close again and nuzzled her shoulder.
"Baby, is everything okay?" Helen murmured into the back of Carol's neck.
"Yeah," Carol said, sounding like she was forcing herself to sound calm. "Just a bad dream; it's nothing."
"Are you sure?" Helen pressed gently. Carol had Helen's hand gripped in hers, held against her. Neither of them commented on the pounding heartbeat they felt from Carol's chest.
Carol kissed Helen's knuckles in a gesture of reassurance. "It's fine babe, let's just go back to sleep."
Helen relented and kissed Carol. It was late, and she knew neither of them were up to talk too much longer.
Carol already fell back asleep, her hand loosening around Helen's but their fingers still intertwined. Helen's breaths lulled in sync with Carol's as she drifted off again.
Over the following months, Helen felt herself falling for Carol more and more every day. And it wasn't long before Carol was spending more nights in her bed than not. At the same time, Helen noticed Carol became more and more agitated in her slumber.
Some nights Helen would wake up to the sounds of Carol mumbling in her sleep; never anything coherent except for maybe a "stop" or "no." Or she would feel Carol twitch in her arms briefly before settling down. Each time made Helen's heart ache.
One night Helen felt particularly helpless when she felt dampness on her arm and realized Carol had started crying in her sleep.
After the first few times Carol woke up like this they fell into a wordless dance. Helen learned fast how prickly Carol got if she tried to prod further about the dreams, so she simply just did whatever her girlfriend needed to fall back asleep. Brewing a calming tea. Rubbing her back. Or just holding her until she relaxed in her arms again. Helen would follow Carol each time but only dozing off after silently waiting and making sure she was fully settled in her sleep.
Carol thought she was doing a good job hiding the darkest parts of her mind from Helen. Shrugging off a rough night of sleep usually was easy even as she felt herself burning out during the day from the regular disruptions. In fact she poured more of her heart into her time with Helen, focused on every moment and touch and sensation, letting herself feel her happiness. Anything to prove the voices in her subconscious wrong.
"Hello, Carol," a friendly voice said.
"Who's there?" Carol asked to the empty space surrounding her.
"How are you feeling today, baby?" The voice was gentle, familiar.
Carol's heart began racing as she realized what was happening. Panicked, her eyes darted around the room, now barren of any other furniture besides her chair.
"Helen?" Carol shifted around in her seat, looking around her shoulder. "Helen, you need to leave this place now. It's not safe."
"Oh but I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be," Helen said. She chuckled to herself and stepped into view. Helen was wearing the same flowy shirt she had on when they first met for coffee, when Carol took an honest chance on her desires for once.
Helen leaned down so she was eye to eye with Carol, who had given up on her futile efforts to get away. She reached out and smoothed back a strand of Carol's hair. Carol jumped in her seat at the anticipation of pain that didn't come this time.
"Are you happy in this relationship?" Helen asked. "Do you think you make me happy?"
Carol met Helen's eyes. Her pupils were wide and sinister. Was this the same old trick?
"Jessie?" Carol pried. "If it's you just come back I know what you're trying to do!"
"She's gone," Helen said. "We don't need her anymore."
Carol looked at her girlfriend terrified and confused. "Why are you here?"
Helen leaned in closer and ruffled her hair. Taking a step back, she towered over Carol, who didn't even try escaping the bounds anymore.
"You turned out so much different than the Carol I met all those months ago," Helen commented. "What made you think you were going to fool me? How long did you think you were going to keep up the shield?"
An image flashed across the room of Carol with a faint smile and a glint of eagerness in her eyes on their first date.
"Remember this day?" Helen asked. "You were so excited to see me your mug was nearly shaking in your hand. It was cute."
The next image was in Helen's apartment. Carol was looking down at herself through Helen's eyes again as she was cuddled up on the couch.
"I remember the first time I took you home, you transformed into a completely different person," Helen said. "Touchier, needier. You instantly melted into my arms. Should have known that there was more beneath the surface back then…"
Helen stepped away, and the room darkened. Frames from their relationship continued to flash one after another so fast Carol could barely keep up. Their first kiss. Their first time in bed. Their first fight and all the mundane moments in between became a blur until the wall and room tore down completely. The floor and chair crumbled from underneath Carol's feet.
Carol found herself in a void of nothingness. Freed to walk, she cautiously wandered the space like a minefield. One step after another.
After a few paces Carol noticed a single light source and crept closer. The bathroom mirror from her childhood home was softly lit with an eerie, inviting glow. As she neared, her own reflection caught her by surprise in the mirror.
Illuminated under the dim light, Carol stared back at the reflection of her 16-year-old self.
"What the fuck…" Carol said, staring into her own eyes.
"You used to be such a happy kid," Helen remarked. "It's a good thing we didn't meet back then though. You certainly wouldn't have met my high school standards."
The mirror flickered again. Now Carol was looking at her 20-year-old self with visible exhaustion in her expression.
"Look at you," Helen said with disappointment in her voice. "Trying to numb out every ounce of shame and self-loathing. You look better with that cute smile on your face."
Another flash and Carol was looking at herself in the present.
"You try so hard to bury the damage thinking you'll heal, but really you keep failing," Helen said. "You keep failing me. Do you really think someone like that is actually able to love?"
"Why are you saying this?" Carol said through tears. "I thought you loved me."
Helen scoffed. "Your own mother couldn't even love you."
Carol nearly tore herself off the bed when she forced herself awake. Heart still racing, she heard Helen stir behind her.
"Carol…" Helen said sleepily. "Are you okay?"
Carol froze for a second, took a second to think and abruptly left the bedroom without saying a word. On stumbling legs she turned the kitchen light on, took a glass of water from the fridge taking cool sips. Her eyes roamed Helen's apartment space.
"White countertop. Red fox painting. Purple orchid," she whispered to herself. Carol made little mental notes of other details, not hearing Helen's footsteps.
Helen approached her slowly and wrapped her arm around Carol's shoulder. Carol flinched under the touch and she turned her back not wanting to face the stunned look she assumed Helen's face had. Instead of leaning into the contact Carol walked off to the living space and collapsed onto the couch.
Helen followed at a distance.
"Baby you have to tell me what's going on," Carol heard Helen say from a few paces behind. "I'm not mad, but you've been waking up like this so many times lately. If there's anything-"
"Please," Carol said, her voice breaking. "I just need to sleep out here."
"Okay…" Helen said. She stepped closer so she was at the backrest. Carol didn't react at all when Helen gently placed a hand at her back, beginning to rub her thumb at the nape of her neck.
"Do you want me to join you?"
Carol sniffled, unable to form words. She felt like a mess, that she was letting this fall apart and it was all her fault.
"Just go," Carol managed to let out.
"Baby," Helen said. "If you need me I'm here. You don't have to be-"
"I said, go."
Carol pulled herself from Helen's touch and curled up in a ball. She hid her face in her arm and let uncontrollable tears flow, not looking up even after hearing Helen close the bedroom door.
Carol woke up the next morning to the sound of Helen preparing coffee. The warm aroma roused her just as Helen was walking over to the couch with two mugs in her hands. Helen placed the mugs on the table in front of Carol before nudging her leg. Carol scooted over and sat up, leaving room for Helen to sit down.
She fixed up her bedhead while Helen took a sip from her mug calmly, looking over and flashing a brief smile. Carol held a tension in the air, still feeling deeply ashamed about how things ended the night before.
"Here, have some coffee baby," Helen said, handing Carol's mug over. "It's Sprouts caramel cream, your favorite."
Carol forced a smile and took a sip. "Thank you, Helen."
They sipped their drinks in silence together. If Helen felt any of Carol's nervousness she wasn't showing it at all. She was relaxed as if Carol hadn't shut her out just a handful of hours ago, which only made Carol more anxious. So she figured she'd be the one to rip the band aid.
"I- I'm sorry," Carol stammered. "I didn't mean for last night to happen. I just…had another bad dream and I don't…I don't know…"
"It's okay," Helen said. "I meant it when I said I'm not mad. I just want to help you."
"I don't even know where to begin," Carol mumbled. "You're just so good Helen and I…I-"
Carol's words dissolved as her voice cracked again. "I'm so broken," she whimpered before folding over into Helen's lap breaking down. She felt Helen's fingers weave through her hair in steady movements.
"You're not broken," she heard Helen say from above. "I promise."
Carol felt herself being lifted up and pulled towards Helen's chest. Carol settled against Helen, who held her as she worked through the remaining tears.
The warmth of Helen's embrace centered Carol's spinning, panicky mind. Of course it did. This was her Helen who for some unexplainable reason has fallen more and more in love with her every day. Her Helen, who was patient and let Carol bare her body and soul little by little until she was at the point where she was now, sobbing in her arms over fears that lived inside her heart for far too long.
"I'm just terrible at being able to just be fucking happy," Carol said, tracing patterns idly in Helen's palm. "I keep trying to be present with you and feel good, and I do but then their voices creep up on me and they've been getting worse and worse."
"Their voices?" Helen asked, coming to a realization. "Do you mean the ones at-"
"Yeah," Carol said. "Freedom Falls." She only mentioned her conversion therapy a couple times to Helen before. Once was on their third date when Helen asked why she never shared much about her childhood and the other was after freezing up unexpectedly when Helen pinned down her arm just a bit too hard and too fast in bed. Helen was more attentive and gentle after that.
"I know it's stupid," Carol said. "It was ages ago."
"No, it's not stupid at all," Helen said. "Has this happened before? The dreams?"
"It's been an on and off thing. For a while I could get by for months fine, but ever since we started seeing each other they just started getting more and more frequent. I just keep hearing them telling me that this is wrong and mental illness and I don't deserve to be happy, loved."
"Carol," Helen squeezed her hand.
"The worst part is I know they're the ones who are wrong," Carol continued. "It's been nearly 10 years, but sometimes I feel that same pit in my stomach like they're hovering, ready to strike. The happier I feel with you, the louder they get, and I don't know what to do."
Helen absorbed everything Carol said, devastated over how much anguish her girlfriend was carrying in her heart.
"I'm sorry…" Carol said petulantly. "You don't want to be with someone so fucked up."
"Carol, you don't have to wrestle with this alone anymore," Helen said. "If you let me, I can carry some of this for you."
"You don't want to be burdened," Carol mumbled back.
"It's not a burden; it's called supporting my girlfriend." Helen kissed the top of Carol's head. "Have you talked to anyone else about this?
"I've told my therapist about my anxiety and that I have bad dreams, but never everything," Carol said. "I wouldn't even know where to start."
Helen lazily swept her thumb on Carol's shoulder. They stayed like that a bit until the lightbulb went off inside Helen's mind.
"I might know someone who you could talk to," Helen said. "He's also gay and a couple's therapist. Well he can also do normal therapy, too. But I could book us a session under my insurance. We could see him together or if you want to chat alone that's okay. I knew him from undergrad."
Carol tilted her head up slightly, and Helen smoothed her messy hair. Carol looked at Helen with nervous but trusting eyes.
"Would you really do that? He wouldn't out me would he?"
"He's a therapist, he can't say anything about clients outside the session," Helen said. "And I can tell him that's especially the case with us."
She watched as Carol mulled it over silently. Then Carol nodded her head in agreement.
"I can try a session, but only if you stay with me," she said. "I can't promise that I'll like it or if it'll be a regular thing."
"It doesn't have to be," Helen said. "But you're not gonna fight this alone anymore. I won't let you. I know this is all new for you, but I'm gonna hold your hand through it. Okay?"
"Thank you," Carol said in a small voice. Helen placed her hand on top of Carol's, firmly setting her thumb down. Carol returned the motion, grounding herself and sinking further into Helen's arms. She closed her eyes as Helen lazily rubbed the back of her hand, drifting off somewhere where maybe she could allow herself to rest.