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Nirei said goodbye to Sakura at the crossroads where their paths diverted.
His usually enthusiastic goodbye fell short, he knew that much.
Sakura’s goodbye wasn't the same unfaced one either.
They were both too tired and too hurt to care right now.
He watched for a second as Sakura retreated, watching the back of his friend as he started the way towards his apartment.
When he could no longer see him, he finally started his own path towards home.
The weather was only getting colder. Another windy day.
It had rained earlier that evening while they were on patrol.
The ground was still damp.
He made his way home, passing the usual convenience store.
It felt lonely.
It didn't use to feel like that.
Once upon a time Nirei had made this walk on his own coming back from middle school, sometimes with a pep in his step, sometimes beaten black and blue and dejected.
And then, that one evening outside of Pothos everything had changed.
Suo had asked him if he could walk him home, because he was worried about Nirei.
That had been the moment Nirei had asked Suo to train him, the moment that had changed everything for him.
He hadn't expected Suo to become a permanent fixture on his walks back home.
It had made everything less lonely.
It had made him feel appreciated and protected.
Suo had always made him feel like that.
Until he left…
Nirei had expected that he'd stop feeling lonely on his walks the more time passed without news of Suo, but it hadn’t happened yet
And if Nirei was being honest with himself, he didn't want to get used to it, because that would mean accepting Suo was not coming back and there was not a universe in which Nirei would give up on his friend like that
He'd take every second of loneliness, of that feeling of absence, if it meant it kept the hope for finding Suo, for bringing him back…
As he passed the park, he found himself suddenly glued to the spot.
The tree with all its leaves fallen, the slide he'd dragged himself to after regaining consciousness.
The warm streetlight cast shadows over it.
Somehow it felt far more eerie than it had right after that night… like it too could feel the absence of someone
As the wind blew he recalled every hit he had received, every cruel word coming from Suo’s mouth, those fake smiles, that empty look…
The palms of his hands hurt
That put a stop to his thoughts
He had clenched his fists too tight, nails digging into the meat of his palms, leaving behind purple crescents, like the moon on the sky…
With a sight and a shiver at the cold air he retook his walk back home.
His mom didn't have a shift that night, so she'd be there. Nirei could almost feel the warmth of her smile, of her soft “Okaeri” as he entered the genkan.
It made his chest loosen a bit, he hadn't realised how much he was holding his breath while he recalled that awful night a month ago now.
It felt like a whole year had gone by since that confrontation.
He felt the lump in his throat rise again.
At least he had someone to go back home to, someone who loved him unconditionally, someone who didn't need him to explain anything.
Sakura didn't have that, but Nirei knew he'd stayed over at Momijikawa’s more often during the past month.
If Nirei was feeling such loneliness at Suo's departure, he couldn't even begin to fathom how it felt for Sakura.
A thought came uninvited into his head, wherever Suo was now, did he have someone, or was he alone?
His stomach churned at the idea.
As much as it would hurt him that Suo had a whole different life he had abandoned them for, it would hurt him more if he was alone.
He tried to not think about it too hard as he finally entered his block and made his way to the second floor.
He opened the door with trembling hands, if that was due to the cold or to the feelings he had been overwhelmed by for months, he couldn't tell.
As expected, his mother’s soft and loving welcome made his body settle, it was almost like a balm, one he knew too well from all his middle school years.
His mother wasn't a tall woman, for as short as Nirei was she was shorter by a fair amount. But what she didn't have in height she had in love.
Nirei had grown up without a father, the man hadn't left, he simply had never been there, had never even known Nirei’s mom was expecting a child
It had been a summer fling for him, and his mother had been only nineteen, it was the reason Nirei wasn't close to his extended family either. The shame had been so big for them that they'd left Makochi entirely, refusing to be associated with their daughter anymore.
Nirei’s mom could have given him away, but she'd had so much love for him even when he was unborn, that she'd decided no matter what she'd keep him and give him the best.
And Nirei had never once felt unloved in his home.
His mom was a hardworking woman, had built herself a community out of all the obasan in her job or that frequented her small shop, and Nirei had often been babysat by them.
Nirei had felt bad during middle school for hiding his suffering from his mom, he hadn't done it because he thought she couldn't handle it, or because he thought she wouldn't take it serious, but because deep down he felt ashamed for being unable to stand his ground and because his mom worked hard enough and worried enough as it was. Always doubting if her love was enough for Nirei to compensate for the absence of a father and grandparents.
He remembered how the secrecy had come to an end one unassuming autumn night, almost like this one, when his mother had sat him down gently, loving smile in her face, worry in her big brown eyes, and told him she knew he was suffering in silence.
She had told him she was proud of his resilience, but that he never had to carry his burdens alone, or hide his problems, she had wrapped him in a hug that smelt like jasmine, a hug that felt warm.
She had told him she was meant to shoulder his burdens with him, and he never had to explain, but he always had an embrace to come home to and cry if he needed to.
Oh how he needed one of her hugs now.
And how hard did he want to explain what was going on to her.
Nirei had talked to her so much about his friends, about Furin, had seen the relief in her eyes, the happy tear gathering at the corner of her eyes, so happy that her child was no longer alone.
He didn't know how he would explain to her that the friend he'd talked so much about, the one who'd been training him, who'd made him gain so much trust in himself, had left, beat Nirei up, said the most hurtful things he could manage. That a friend had switched up on him once again, that maybe they had never really been friends.
He couldn't bear to see sadness in his mom’s eyes again because of the same reason it had been there for three years.
And maybe, deep down, it was because Nirei refused to believe that what they had been through, all the love, kindness and understanding Suo had given them, all the efforts he'd made for them, all those moments, hadn't meant something to Suo.
He went into his room to drop his backpack and pick out his pajama while his mom went back to watch the dinner on the stove.
There was a knowing glint in her eyes, she knew something was up with him, had known for the past month, she was just waiting for him to be ready to talk about it.
He felt so tired.
There was this hollow in his chest somewhere, one that refused to close over, a spot Suo had earned himself in Nirei’s ribcage.
He caught a glance of himself in the mirror, his eye bags had become noticeable and he looked exhausted.
No wonder his mother was worried.
It's not like the others were doing much better, Sakura's eye bags could probably rival his.
He felt an undercurrent of anger in his veins for a moment. In behalf of Sakura.
Because Nirei could take this, he had before, but Suo had come in, opened up the doors for Sakura to learn to trust them, made sure to be there for him, had always known how to handle Sakura at his lowest in the beginning, and then he'd gone and left.
He had feared this would break Sakura.
Luckily it hadn't, and they wouldn't let that happen.
Sakura was determined to find Suo and have at least a final talk.
The idea of it being a final one wasn't lost to Nirei.
The idea that they would see Suo one more time and this time it would really be the last.
He felt the jitters start again.
He got into the shower. The water warmed him up instantly, and something finally loosened in his chest, something stuck inside that hollow.
He could fear frustrated tears slip down his cheeks alongside the water.
It wasn't fair.
It wasn't fair at all, that after years of getting used to being lesser, to being in the background, to being dismissed and insulted, that Suo had broken straight through his barriers, shown him friendship, shown him respect, even admiration, and then he'd gone and tried to make Nirei believe that none of it had mattered to him.
Maybe, the old Nirei would have believed the words coming from Suo's mouth, but after all they'd been through, he refused to do that much.
He was angry still, that Suo probably knew how much leaving was going to hurt them, that he'd chosen to leave the way he did.
He was angry that Suo probably believed he would fall for it, did he really think Nirei didn't know him? Did he really think his friends would just let this go?
Something cold lodged itself in his chest all of a sudden, the realisation that maybe Suo hadn't been fully lying when he'd said that he was just a guy who happened to be in the same class. Did Suo think the others didn't see him as a friend?
Fuck
Nirei felt something in him give.
He got out in record time, put on his pajamas, dried his hair with a towel and went straight into the kitchen.
He must have looked frazzled because his mom took a single look at him and went to wrap him in a hug.
And the damn broke.
All the pain, frustration, worry and tiredness he'd been feeling since Suo had first disappeared finally pouring out.
He sobbed into his mom’s shoulder, like he hadn't done in a while, not even in middle school.
And she held him, rubbed his back in circles, let him get it out of his system.
At some point he ran out of energy to keep crying, just sniffling occasionally and his mom still held him.
Still pressed against her, she finally spoke up “Baby, do you want to talk about it?”
She truly was the best mom ever.
He nodded and she let him go, going to fetch their dinner and setting it on the small table by the couch.
They both sat down. His mom looked at him with her gentle and concerned eyes and Nirei finally started talking, it all poured out of him.
How Suo had disappeared for three days and not answered any call or message, the night of their confrontation…
He chocked up during that one, and he was almost afraid to lift up his gaze and find anger in his mom’s eyes at the fact a friend had once again turned against him, he was ready to explain that this time it was different.
But when he looked at her he found only worry.
Still, he started trying to explain about Suo, about how he knew he didn't mean it.
“Akaihiko, stop one minute, just breathe baby, I know”
He stopped, partly because he had just realised he hadn't been breathing much while he tried to explain himself, partly because that “I know” had stopped him in his tracks.
“What do you mean, mom?”
His mom smiled, a tiny bittersweet thing.
“Do you remember that day you were training with Suo-kun and sprained your ankle and you called to tell me what had happened and that he was walking you home?”
As a matter of fact he did remember that day, but he didn't understand where his mom wanted to get to with it. He still nodded.
“Well, Suo-kun dropped you right by the door of the block, and I had been watching from the window, waiting for you. When you finally entered the block he just stood there for a bit, and he looked almost sad you know”
Huh? Why would Suo have looked sad then?
“And it's not only that, in some of the photos you've shown me, sometimes he is looking at you guys from the back or the side and I just can tell he's a sad kid you know”
Never would have Nirei thought of Suo as a sad kid, but his mom had always been good at reading other people's emotions, after all, Nirei had somewhat inherited that ability. Could it be he had missed that all along until that night?
His stomach soured at the thought.
“I'm worried about him”
It was the first time he outright admitted it. That he wanted to find Suo, not just because he was angry or wanted an explanation, but because he was worried for his friend.
He kept explaining to his mother, about how he'd been missing for a month, about how someone had figured out where he was, about how apparently he had belonged somewhere all along.
“It hurts, that he didn't trust us” came out of him, half chocked out between the emotions clogging his throat
His mom pulled him closer, head to her shoulder, and started running her hand through his hair.
“I know baby, I know it hurts. Remember when you told me about Sakura-kun?”
He nodded against her.
“You know how he was afraid of trusting people because he was afraid of getting hurt?”
He nodded once again, feeling that bitterness at what Suo’s disappearance had meant for Sakura.
“Maybe Suo-kun was also scared of trusting you in a similar way”
And that, that made an awful lot of sense. Why had none of them considered that possibility?
Why had they all assumed Suo hadn't trusted them becuase they didn't mean enough to him?
He'd let so many things go, because it was so clear Suo didn't want anyone to pry into him, and for all that Nirei often forgot about people's boundaries, he'd got pretty acquainted with Suo's, he was his mentor, his fellow vice-capatain, his classmate and, most importantly, his friend.
And he'd let him get away with it for so long.
He'd never stopped to think Suo could feel insecure about his place in Furin.
Had never stopped to think Suo could be sad when he was constantly smiling.
Had never stopped to consider Suo could be afraid fo trusting them, of opening up…
They'd all seen Suo as this unmovable person, untouchable, smart, skilled, always knowing what to say and when to say it. Always paying attention to everyone’s needs and feelings…
Even Nirei, who had seen through his bullshit despite his admiration for him, had missed all these things, because Suo carried himself with such confidence, because he was so sure of himself when he spoke and acted…
The hollow in his chest hurt.
If he had noticed all of this before, would he have been able to stop Suo in another way?
He thought of how Endo had talked about Red Chanpuru, that they were just like Furin allegedly. And he had felt betrayed, that Suo belonged somewhere else all along, that he'd gone back to them and had left the way he did.
But it was exactly that part that bothered him.
Because Suo had looked so miserable, because he had been on the edge of breaking and Nirei had broken through his barriers without any consideration for why they were there, and he'd got Suo to retaliate, and every time he remembered the look in that lone eye after he'd landed a hit, he felt guilty stab his stomach…
Because whatever had been hurting Suo hadn't been what brought him over the edge, it had been Nirei’s stubbornness and desperation that did it.
He brought down almost every barrier in Suo, lost in his desperation and hurt, and in the last second he'd witnessed guilt, regret, pain and sadness in that expression and he'd known something was terribly wrong.
If Red Chanpuru truly was Suo’s family, if he'd willingly and freely gone back, then why had he looked so devastated…
No, Nirei refused to believe that Endo was right, something was wrong with Suo and they were going to figure it out no matter what, Suo was a member of Furin, his position as an officer in another gang be damned, and Furin didn't abandon their own to their luck.
With that determination coursing through his veins, Nirei managed to pull himself together enough to have dinner, help his mom tidy up the kitchen and wish her goodnight.
Once he was lying down in bed, he brought our his phone with a shaky hand, going through his chats to find the pictures of their hangouts he'd sent his mom.
Suo looked just like usual on almost all of them, but then Nirei got to the photos that had been snapped without their knowledge because there it was, that sadness Nirei’s mom had mentioned, shining in that lone eye.
His stomach turned again.
He's told everyone Suo was so easy to read, but just how much had he missed himself?
Had he always looked at them with such sadness in him?
If this had been what he looked like with them, after what he'd seen in his face that night he didn't even want to imagine how he was looking now…
They had to go after him.
There had to be a reason for how Suo had acted with them, he had cared about them, Nirei knew that, he hadn't imagined it, no.
They had missed their friend suffering.
He had missed his friend’s suffering, the friend who had trained him, who had protected him from moment one… and he'd missed his sadness.
He couldn't believe he'd almost given up after what Endo had told them, that he had been ready to convince himself that he'd been wrong and that Suo had just gone back were he belonged. No, something had really been wrong, he knew it, he was right.
Fuck what Endo had said, fuck what he thought he knew, he didn't know Suo, just like he hadn't known Sakura.
Endo had been wrong about Sakura not belonging with Furin, and he was wrong about Suo not having been one of them. He had a vivid reminder of how Suo had loudly proclaimed himself to be a member of Furin in order to defend Sakura from Endo. Suo was one of them.
Nirei didn't care what it took right now, he was not going to let Suo disappear that easily, no, they were going to find him, and Nirei was going to talk to him, like he'd done to Sakura, like Suo had done for them, and he was going to keep reaching for him until he could touch Suo's sadness with his own hands and tell him he was allowed to feel it openly.
He was still angry on Sakura's behalf, and he was still hurt, and he still felt betrayed, but now he was determined to reach out his hands for his friend.
He remembered the day they had visited Sakura when he was sick, he remembered what Suo had said then, about Sakura not knowing how to use a phone because he had never had one before, how it was the same with friends or so he imagined, and for the first time he understood, Suo was talking from experience, that he didn't know how to use a phone either.
He understood now that Suo didn't know how to reach out for help either.
But if Suo didn't know how to reach out for help, Nirei was going to reach out to help him so he'd learn, just like he'd done for Sakura and just like Suo had done for them.
A new fire settled inside that hollow spot were Suo had fit, a determination to find him and bring him back to where he truly belonged.
Tomorrow he'd tell Sakura, he’d understand why they need to go find Suo. He was too tired right now to do much but try and sleep
He feel asleep with the pictures of that sad lone eye running through his head. His chest hurt at the idea that Suo was currently alone and looking like that.
It hurt at the uncertainty of how many things had slipped under their radar disguised inside Suo's advice to them and his avoidance.
But it was okay, it kept him rooted in his determination.
Nirei was not going to lose a friend when he'd finally found his people, not if he had any say in it.