Chapter Text
Gregory House had long taught himself to shut off emotions deemed unnecessary. None of them would help the pain nor would it help him efficiently do his job. Besides, he had doctors to be sensitive to patients’ emotions or whatever the hell. He wasn’t horrible to kids, so he felt that should be more than enough.
He certainly wasn’t the fatherly sort if his breakup with Lisa Cuddy was any indication. Whatever budding father-daughter relationship he had with Rachel was gone when they moved. Cuddy didn’t even want to maintain a friendship with Wilson or anyone else so that at least House could hear-
Why should I care? I don’t.
He wouldn’t have if upon his return, the charges against him hadn’t been dropped. It made no sense as to why. Cuddy had every right to sue him for destroying an entire section of her wall and this wasn’t a sitcom. House wasn’t little kid Stephanie Tanner messing around with a car and accidentally crashing it into a kitchen. It was real life and it was deliberate.
So why did she back out?
No one could answer that. No one could answer why he lay in bed, his leg aching as usual, wondering why he wasn’t being hunted down by police right now. Or why Cuddy didn’t break her silence to at least tell Wilson why. It messed with his head. This puzzle he’d now been given that he couldn’t figure out.
What’s her game? Is there one?
His cellphone rang. He groaned, looking at the number. “Our patient better be dying again.”
“We need you at the hospital.” Dr. Taub said, sounding solemn.
“Why, is he dying?”
“Patient’s fine. It’s-the hospital um-we were notified of a former employee’s death…”
“The world didn’t stop for Amber or Kutner and it wouldn’t stop for anyone else. I’m off the clock, I’ll pay my respects tomorrow.”
“House…it’s Cuddy.”
“…”
“House?”
“Like I said, I’ll pay my respects tomorrow.” House said emotionlessly.
“Hou-”
House hung up. As it happened on rare occasion, his leg felt as numb as the rest of his body as he just lay there, mouth open. His phone rang again. He was slower to answer it, not bothering to look at the caller ID, he just assumed it would be someone about to go off on him about being an insensitive asshole.
“You need to come to the hospital.” Wilson’s hoarse voice indicated that he’d been crying. House didn’t respond. “I get that feelings are hard for you and-and the way you and Lisa left things…it’s about to get more complicated. Lisa and her mother were going out to a restaurant and a drunk driver hit them-”
“Was Rachel with them?”
Wilson didn’t answer right away, he had to blow his nose. Concern wasn’t alien to House, but it wasn’t usually outwardly expressed. Kids generally didn’t worry him to the point where he felt absolute fear. He’d felt concern-and even fear-for them, remembering how he’d run on instinct to try to save poor baby Michael. He detached himself after Michael's passing. As sad as it was-and he did feel a bit of sadness-he could detach relatively easily. He was just now discovering in the seconds it took for Wilson to recover how much he couldn’t just let go of Rachel Cuddy like any other kid patient who passed.
“No, she was with a sitter.” Wilson said.
Good. Wait-“Was?”
“She um-she’s here at the hospital.”
“Waiting for Julia?”
“Julia and a social worker just got here-look, House, it’s not a request. You’re being told to come because of the previously mentioned complicated situation.”
“By you?”
“Technically, by Lisa. She sent me a letter a while back-can you just get over here because every second I watch Rachel playing in the kids ward, I-” Wilson took a shaky breath.
“I’m coming.”
House shoved his phone and wallet in his pockets and pulled his shoes on. He didn’t cry. He didn’t feel a surge of grief, he felt numb. Oddly his leg still felt numb. It should’ve at least been screaming at him to toss back a Vicodin or two by now. Nothing. A small twinge when he got out indicated that at least this news wasn’t a cure-why would it be?
Julia looked a combination of worn out, pissed off, and heartbroken. She lost her mother and sister in one night. She fixed him with a stony stare, her jaw set. Wilson called over a woman with dark, curly hair who had been talking to Rachel. The four year old gasped happily and ran over to House, hugging him.
“Why-?” Why hasn’t your mom told you I’m a horrible person? Why hasn’t anyone told you she’s dead?
“Mommy says forgiving is good.” Rachel said.
“Hi, you must be House. I’m Kyra Finster, I work for CPS.” The woman said, shaking House’s hand. “I was talking to her about the people she knows. I broached the subject of Lisa, but I don’t think she understands. Doctor Foreman has allowed us use of his office.”
Foreman was talking with the other doctors. Once the four adults and Rachel had settled in the office, House looked to Julia who was still harshly glaring at him.
“Why does she think she’s here?” He asked.
“Auntie has a supper-ise!” Rachel said.
Julia’s face softened as she looked at Rachel. “I didn’t say that. I said I had something to tell you and we had to go visit House first-”
“Big mistake.” House said. “Four year olds take visits as surprising and good, not bad.”
“Bad?” Rachel said, frowning.
“Honey, it’s okay-”
“It isn’t.” House said firmly, interrupting Julia. “I get if you want to slowly take off the bandage, but you can’t say it’s okay. It isn’t.” And it won’t ever be.
“Why?” Rachel asked, starting to feel sad. “I want my mommy.”
“Rachel, honey, Mommy had to go away-what?” Julia’s stony stare was back when House rolled his eyes.
“Where? Why she didn’t taked me?”
“She had to-”
“She didn’t ‘have to’. It wasn’t required and it sure as hell wasn’t her choice!” House snapped, trying not to raise his voice too loudly. “She didn’t want to leave her daughter behind. Some idiot got drunk and-”
He felt a tug on his sleeve. Rachel’s eyes were filled with tears. “Is Mommy coming back?”
“Rachel, what you have to-”
“No.” House said over Julia. Rachel’s jaw trembled. He pulled her onto his lap. “She didn’t leave you on purpose, she loved and wanted you. If she was able to, you’d both be asleep at home right now.”
“Like birf Mommy?” Rachel asked in a small voice that tugged at everyone.
“How-?” Wilson said.
“Yes.” House said. “It happened a different way, but yeah. I’m sorry.”
Rachel burst into tears, burying her face in House’s pajama shirt. He hugged her.
“Did you have to say it so bluntly?” Julia asked.
“You were beyond sugarcoating. She needs facts and honesty.” House said, his voice soft for Rachel’s sake. Something in him twinged with a feeling he couldn’t quite describe.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t-” Wilson’s voice caught “every time I looked at her, I saw-I had flashbacks of all Lisa’s struggles and-and how happy she was when she finally had Rachel…”
“You would’ve found a way.” House said. “Julia, I have no idea why I’m here. I’m sure it wasn’t to break the news, Wilson or Finster would’ve been better options.”
“You’re here because Lisa has named you Rachel’s guardian.” Kyra said. She picked some papers off the desk. “I have here a letter stating she was of sound mind when naming you guardian and it was after the incident that led her to move. Yes, I’ve looked at your records and history and am quite honestly baffled as to why she would even allow you around Rachel, let alone be her guardian.”
“I would’ve thought Julia would be after her mother.” Wilson said.
“As I should be.” Julia said.
“I read the will, it doesn’t explain it.” Wilson said. “There’s a letter for House that she sent me a few months ago-I didn’t read it, she said she’d call me when she was ready for him to see it.”
“May I read this letter?” Kyra asked. House nodded. She silently read through it, her eyebrows rose, but nothing else was indicative of the letter’s contents. “It um-it’s colorful. It does align with the timing of her editing the will and she does mention it here as well as her reasons why. None of this sounds like an in the moment decision, I will call the lawyer mentioned in the will to make sure all of this was formed with her in sound mind. Dr Wilson, can I know what her letter to you said?”
“She said she had vague plans to move out to the west coast and um-she wanted to start talking to me again because we’re friends and I didn’t deserve to be cut off like that. She wasn’t ready to give me her new number and I think she wanted to be in a different state before calling, I’m a little unsure about that part.”
“I wasn’t told of anything to do with anyone here.” Julia said. “Lisa didn’t seem off or mention any weird dream or epiphany. I had no idea I was being blindsided here.”
“She said she knew you’d be upset, but that it wasn’t personal. She loves you-”
“Then why the hell did she ask for some bitter, disabled man-child to take care of her already orphaned daughter?”
“Well, um-technically not orphaned…her birth father is still alive.” Wilson said. “Natalie and Simon were high schoolers-seventeen, I think. Their parents initially told Natalie they’d take care of Rachel, but I don’t think it hit them until she passed…Simon should be twenty and I think he went with the adults’ wishes at the time.”
Kyra nodded, looking through the will. “She mentions that she legally called it an open adoption, allowing visitation with notice, but they never have. Since Simon is now an adult and he didn’t say he didn’t want guardianship in the case that Lisa’s family couldn’t for whatever reason, so he could be involved.”
“Can I at least take her home tonight?” Julia asked, indicating the now unconscious child.
“Yes, I’ll call the lawyer first thing in the morning, see if I can contact Simon, and we can meet back here to talk about the situation.”
Rachel whimpered when Julia took her from House’s arms. Once they left, Kyra handed him the folded letter Cuddy had written him.
“Wilson…I don’t want her to go into foster care.” House said.
“I don’t either.” Wilson said. “I don’t get why she named you next and not Julia. Or even me.”
“She does name you under House, which is why I didn’t ask you to leave.” Kyra said. “I didn’t think Julia would be too pleased to hear she’s below Wilson. Simon’s named last with a note that said ‘if he can and wants’. Why don’t you read that letter tonight and we’ll include that in our discussion tomorrow?”
House nodded numbly. Kyra took the file and left. House stood up when Foreman opened his office door.
“Is there anything I can do?” Foreman asked.
House shook his head and silently left. Wilson followed behind, unsure what to say. House looked back at him with a pained expression. Wilson was shocked at this unusual display of emotion. House opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He shook his head again, getting in the car. Wilson knocked on the window which opened a crack.
“It’s okay to grieve her. In fact, it’s what you should do. Put Rachel aside for a moment, she’s safe with Julia. Mourn Lisa. You miss her. Despite how it ended, you two had something…I don’t even know how to describe it, but she was a big part of your life-of our lives. You’re allowed to grieve.”
“Am I allowed to despise?” House asked hoarsely.
“That’s your entire persona-” Wilson’s shock returned seeing a tear that was quickly wiped away “I saw nothing.”
“Maybe you should have. I need you, Wilson.”
“Absolutely. We’ll lean on each other for support, especially if you get custody-”
“Stop it.” House said. “I need you to stop that from happening. I can’t…I’m not a father, saving people is the only reason Cuddy ever let me off the hook for stupid bullshit she really shouldn’t have, I have the emotional range of a walnut, and I fucking hate myself for killing her.”
“You didn’t-”
“I did…I hurt everyone I love. I hurt everyone I care about. But I never wanted to kill them. I need you to push me away before I kill you too because even if I somehow manage to push myself through her death, I’d die if you die.”
Wilson had no response, so House rolled his window back up and drove away. He was shaking when he got home, the leg pain back full force. He tossed back two Vicodin, then threw the closed bottle on the ground. He threw his cane across the room.
BANG
“YOU PIECE OF SHIT!”
He breathed heavily, his body fighting suppressed emotions. He still wouldn’t cry. Nothing medically posed a challenge. He breathed shakily as he pulled the letter out of his pocket. He collapsed on his couch to read it.
Gregory House,
I don’t know how to open this letter, I wanted to start with ‘dear bastard’ or the like, but I suppose your name will suffice. You’re a hopeless asshole I swore I would leave behind and never have anything to do with again. Your childish tantrums went too far and you could’ve hurt or killed somebody. I left you behind because you deserved it. Because you are self destructive, self serving, manipulative, and you can’t help but try to hold onto people, digging your claws into them. I should be moving on. I hold zero guilt because why should I?
I intended for this to be one of those letters you write angrily then toss away. I moved into temporary housing so I could plan to move across the country. I intended to never contact the hospital again because in one way or another, it leads back to you. It always does. I took that as a negative. It would just go back to that same toxic cycle of mental and emotional turmoil even if I spoke to someone who wasn’t a mutual friend. I cut everyone off. I felt I had to.
Why the hell am I sending this letter? It isn’t for want of rekindling a relationship, you made sure I couldn’t trust your outbursts wouldn’t harm me. I just never thought it could come close to being physical. Not for me. As much as I tried, believe me I went to therapy to unpack you so I could store you far in the recesses of my mind, but I can’t. I can’t let you go for some asinine reason that caused me to wonder if I wasn’t in my right mind. I am.
I don’t plan on dying, House. I mean, most people don’t. I plan on being my daughter’s mother until she’s holding my withered hand on my deathbed and about to expect a grandkid or a second grandkid. I could live to be a great grandmother and that’s what I’d like. I want to see this little miracle, who was initially thought dead, thrive. My little miracle who somehow also became yours. There was a change in you and it wasn’t all forced. Not the entire time, anyway. You liked her. You cared about her like she was almost yours.
She cares about you like you’re hers. She asked if you were her dad because the kids at her preschool asked and she said her daddy was a doctor. I explained, with plenty of repeated assurances that I am her mother and I love her. I said I adopted her because her birth mother had a very rare sickness we couldn’t get better, I didn’t want her to fear getting a cold, and her birth father wasn’t able to take care of her. I think she understood because she still called me her mom and refers to Natalie and Simon as her birth mom and dad. I couldn’t get you out of her head nor the idea that you’re not her adoptive father and pretty soon, I was back there.
Back then when everything seemed fine. Nostalgia can talk, I know, and I did discuss this with my therapist. It feels like more than nostalgia and it’s not wish fulfillment for my daughter. Even after all the shit you put me through, I still care about you. I have no idea why. I know there are plenty of instances I should’ve fired you at the least and gotten you arrested at the most. You made me feel like tearing my hair out and raging at you at the worst. I hated you and I should still hate you. I certainly don’t love you. At least not the same way, we couldn’t ever go back to that.
How do you do it? How do you just manage to make people come back to you. Seek comfort in the person who seems the most incapable of providing it? Even I, who has known you for years, can’t answer that question. I don’t know why, even if I told Rachel you were a bad person and worked diligently to get her to stop talking and thinking about you, that I wouldn’t be able to let go. With time and effort, she could forget you eventually. I can’t. I couldn’t and despite my remarks about you having your claws around people, I don’t feel it’s like that anymore.
Don’t misunderstand, I’m not coming back to Princeton-Plainsboro. But I don’t know that I’m moving across the country, I haven’t decided when I want Wilson to give you this letter. But I have decided I want you to be in Rachel’s life. She looks up to you and has such blissful adoration only an innocent child can have. My mother and definitely my sister will be upset that I named you guardian should anything happen to me. I do trust and love them, but their feelings on you wouldn’t be swayed. Even if I penned either of them this type of letter, they wouldn’t allow it. In fact, they may try to sue you for emotional damage causing whatever my death could be even if it has nothing to do with you. I picked Wilson over Julia because I trust him to be there for you and Rachel. I know both of you perhaps more than either of you are willing to admit. But I do know both of you, which is why I’m extending the olive branch first.
Willing to be your friend,
Lisa Cuddy
“I thought you trashed this pansy-ass paper.”
“Mom said I should keep a few things from childhood, including a few school assignments.”
“You better not believe any of this shit could happen.”
“Huh, weird, I thought you’d be telling me to hurry up and graduate already so I can get a job, marry, have a family-”
“Ha! You? A family? Come on, you’re smarter than that. You’re not father material.”
“Oh and you are?”
“The one who puts food on the table, you little shit.”
His retort had earned a harsh punishment. Even at eighteen years of age, the fear had come back to Gregory just the same. To the fear, it was as if no time had passed at all. He was back in childhood, defenseless and lost as to what to do.
“If a street kid ever crosses your path, get ‘em a new home.”
“Lisa…”
I can’t take care of her…I can’t. I’m not good enough. I wasn’t good enough to be your friend. To be anything to you but the scum who shattered your heart and destroyed your home. I wasn’t good enough to be human, how can I be to such a young child? Wilson wouldn’t be up to taking care of Rachel on his own and if he did, I’d have to see her often. I’ll take whatever Julia sends my way. It’s what I deserve for killing you.
“…I’m sorry.”