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Regular sleep patterns do not exist during comeback promotions; that is a given. The members of Tomorrow X Together are well aware of this, seven years into their career.
Early show prerecords, back-to-back media scheduling and hours spent in hair and makeup meant that the members were typically over-caffeinated, buzzed on the few moments of sleep they could afford during car trips or in green rooms.
Despite their experience, they still haven’t perfected the science of surviving comeback periods. Was it best to rest as early as they could and wake up at two am? Pull an all-nighter? Nothing seemed to make a difference; they were deeply exhausted, physically and mentally broken by the time the three weeks concluded.
It also led to various terrible ideas.
When they were promoting Sugar Rush Ride, Soobin and Kai thought it was a good idea to order an obscene amount of frozen yoghurt to keep them awake while they watched anime. The underestimation of their exhaustion was apparent when they woke up three hours later, running behind on their first schedule of the day, to find themselves curled up in a white, sticky puddle on the floor where the yoghurt had melted. It took two months to eradicate the subsequent sour odour that had stuck to the walls of the dorm.
Honestly, Yeonjun was hardly ever at the forefront of these incidents. He kept to himself, knowing fully well how to mentally and physically maintain himself through these tough periods. His worst incidents involved eating ramyeon too late and having to perform with a puffy face as a consequence. In the grand scheme of things, minuscule compared to the other members’ escapades.
Since the last comeback, Yeonjun’s life has changed a lot.
He felt exhausted beyond repair. Having not switched off since their hiatus over a year ago with the release of their last album and his first solo comeback, on top of touring, it was safe to declare him burnt out.
This comeback felt a bit more manageable with his members alongside him. Following the renewal of their contracts, everyone felt a little more secure about the future of the group and their careers. Yeonjun felt that his bond with the members was stronger than ever.
Maybe that’s his excuse for indulging in their sleep-deprived madness.
Yeonjun remembers reading something about how people tend to regress in times of stress. They go back to shows or songs they enjoyed in childhood, and cuddle up to their parents a little more.
Perhaps that’s why they were talking about their comfort games when they were kids.
“I used to love playing Mario Kart on my own,” Kai sighs, staring at the dried-up, gritty instant coffee in his mug. “But my sisters would always beat me. I’d end up crying whenever I played with them.”
The weary laughter that Kai’s anecdote receives summarises the state the members find themselves in. Big lights are switched on in the dorm living room (a rare occurrence), the bitter scent of their drinks wafting through the communal space, eyelids drooping regardless. Beomgyu’s head is sitting uncomfortably on Soobin’s shoulder in defeat.
“My siblings are older than me, so I’d play Tekken when they weren’t around,” Soobin contributed. “I liked Tekken Tag the most, because there was this minigame where you could play bowling on it! I got so good.”
Yeonjun stares at the younger boy sitting across from him, finding his enthusiasm endearing. It was nice to see his smile; not the stage smile you often see from him in music videos or variety shows, but the genuine, wide, dimpled smile that struggled to contain all his teeth. Annoyingly cute, he thinks.
“No wonder you’re so good at that game,” Yeonjun scoffs, mostly to divert his own thoughts.
This is perhaps his first mistake, as all four heads turn to him. Even Beomgyu, despite being asleep a few seconds ago.
“Hyung, how about you? What games did you play as a kid?” Soobin asks, staring back at him with puppy-like eyes that are hard to say no to.
Yeonjun scratches his head. “I guess I didn’t really play video games as a kid… but – Oh! Actually, there was this website my cousin used to play on, back when I lived in America. I’d play a few games on there with her; we wasted a whole summer on that website.”
“Really? What kind of games did you play?” Taehyun asks amusedly.
“My favourites were the dress-up and makeup games. We used to play these two-player platform games on there two, where her character was made of water, and mine was made of fire? But I didn’t like those much because she was bad at them. Wait, let me show you, it might still be up.”
He grabs his laptop, conveniently stored underneath the nearby coffee table. Having not used the device for several months, he scurries around in search of a charging cable to power it up.
Once it turns on, he enters the website's name into his web browser. He is immediately met with the site’s obnoxiously pink interface and old-fashioned graphics, sweeping him back to the late noughties. He can almost taste his aunt’s signature tofu stew on his taste buds.
The other members glare back at the screen’s brightness with an exclamation of wonder. “It’s very… pink,” Beomgyu grumbles.
“It’s perfect,” Yeonjun says. “It’s almost exactly how I remember. See? It’s all games like this. ‘My Dream Pony’, ‘Pilates Princess Dressup’, ‘Pimple SOS’...”
“Wait, what’s this one?” Kai asks, pointing towards a game with a thumbnail of a large, red heart and nothing else.
“Love Calculator…” Taehyun says, reading the title of the game.
“Ah right, we played this one too,” Yeonjun explains, cheeks reddening. “You basically put in the names of two people, like your name and your crush’s name, or the names of two of your teachers, and it gives a percentage. The higher the percentage, the more compatible you are.”
Soobin gasps. “Is it accurate?”
Yeonjun laughs. “No, silly. But we thought it was the truth when we were kids. I know people who gave up on their crush if they got lower than 30 per cent on the love calculator.”
The other members released a monotonous hum in response. Yeonjun looks around at them, taking in their blank faces all tinged pink in the light of the laptop screen. He doesn’t even register the faint click as the light then changes to a sky blue.
Someone has clicked on the game, triggering the loading screen. Yeonjun stares down at the hand on the mousepad, noticing the ring he had gifted each of the members sitting prettily on the fourth finger.
Kang Taehyun.
His head snaps up to look at the younger, who shrugs with practised innocence, as if to say it could be fun.
Yeonjun’s second mistake is letting it slide.
It starts relatively innocent. Immediately, Beomgyu takes control of the keyboard. In the crudely designed text box for person one, he writes “Choi Soobin”. Yeonjun’s breath catches in his throat, feeling a faint ache in his chest. Why is he so nervous over a stupid game that meant nothing?
He pretends not to know the reason why, avoiding the leader’s gaze.
To his relief, he sees that the name entered into the person two text box is “Bang Sihyuk”. This stirs a giggle from all of the members, who are secretly manifesting that they get a high score if not for the sake of ragebaiting Soobin. Without hesitation, Beomgyu clicks on the red heart to trigger the calculation of love.
An empty bar clunkily sits next to the heart on the screen, the idea being that it “fills up” the higher the score is. However, the dark blue bar largely remains unchanged in this result.
“6% – Avoid each other at all costs!”
Laughter erupts in the room as Soobin exhales a sigh of relief. “I’m starting to like this game,” he remarks.
They carry on like this for thirty minutes or so. The members take turns putting in random names, couples in the industry they have heard rumours about, and gasping when their results come back low.
“Do we think it’s broken, maybe?” Kai asks. “We haven’t had a result that’s higher than 20% yet.”
Yeonjun shrugs at the youngest. “I guess the aim of it is to stir up drama amongst kids, so the scores aren’t often very high.”
“Do you remember any high scores coming out of it when you played as a kid? With any of your crushes?”
“With my crushes? No, but I think I was still… working stuff out then? So I’d never put my own name in the calculator.”
The others nodded in understanding. They were all aware and very supportive of Yeonjun’s bisexuality, and it was of great comfort to the oldest that he had a space where he was free to be himself without judgment from the others.
“Although I remember putting the names of my literature teacher and my maths teacher in it, and they scored 85%. They ended up getting married!”
“I guess they didn’t hide their affections well enough,” Beomgyu says.
“Hyung, if you never put your name in the calculator back then, why not try it out now?” Kai suggests with a beaming grin.
“I don’t think that’s a great idea,” Yeonjun shuts down the premise instantly.
He knows it’s harmless banter, really, and he’s not one to take himself seriously, but he thinks this is taking things a step too far. Who will they even pair him up with, other idols? His exes? Or worse, the other members?
It’s the last option that scares him the most. Especially when his crush of eight (maybe nine?) years is sitting in the same room as him, and they’ve only just returned to good terms…
“Don’t worry, at least they won’t pair you with Bang PDnim,” the man in question offers. Suddenly, a life of being teased for being Bang Sihyuk’s soulmate doesn’t seem too bad.
Yeonjun tries to stay level-headed. He knows the members will persist anyway. Especially the tiny, adorable, evil little man sat next to him, who will definitely suggest…
“Let’s try you and Soobin,” Taehyun says. Bingo.
Yeonjun remains speechless, not wanting to give in to their antics. The younger members let out an anticipatory “ooh” as the air becomes more awkward. Yeonjun has no choice but to stare at the floor, despite feeling the pair of dark eyes trained on him from across the coffee table.
He knows that since he and Soobin talked all of their issues out, the rest of the group has been eager to know what happened between them and how they came to make up. Of course, there’s relief that things are no longer tense and that their bond is much healthier now that it’s over. That, however, stops Yeonjun from feeling sheepish as a result of the endless teasing from the members.
Since opening up about their disagreements so publicly, it has become a hot topic on variety shows, and it’s been stressing Yeonjun out a lot. Sure, they addressed a lot when they went out for drinks, but there were also things Yeonjun chose not to bring up for his own sake. Such as his romantic feelings for Soobin, but it’s not like that’s a big deal; he’s been able to manage them perfectly well for the past eight (probably nine…) years.
He worries that if he keeps getting pushed like this, he may end up shutting himself off from Soobin again completely, which was the exact root cause of all of their problems, arguments, and so on. And things were only just starting to get good between them again. It’s quite a conundrum.
He spends so much time lost in thought that he doesn't notice Taehyun typing the two names into his laptop. The sound of his mousepad clicking snaps him back to reality, overwhelmed by the sudden proximity of the other members who huddled around the screen. It's not lost on Yeonjun that Soobin is the furthest away.
Before he's able to process, the bar begins to fill up, the navy blue colour implying that it's empty quickly fills with lime green, transforming with great urgency.
Yeonjun's eyes flicker over to the cursive writing that sits on top of the heart graphic, revealing the result.
97% – A match made in heaven!
The two of you may be very different, but your chemistry is undeniable, drawing you together. Your long, stable relationship is written in the stars!
It takes a few moments for the other members to comprehend the English description, the room falling silent as they mutter the words to themselves. Meanwhile, Yeonjun sits, frozen, waiting for the inevitable reaction.
A “whoa” sound from the younger members echoes across the room, seemingly shocked by the outcome. None of the results had been this good. How convenient that it happens for this pairing?
“The description feels a little on-the-nose, doesn't it?” Taehyun asks, smirking.
Beomgyu laughs, flopping onto the floor dramatically. “This thing is surely broken, there's no way these two are a ‘match made in heaven’ right?” Kai joins him on the floor.
“I think it has a point,” Taehyun says quietly, but loud enough for the members to hear. They all turn towards him. “Even when things were… distant between them, it still always felt like there was this gravitational pull between you two? There had to be, otherwise you wouldn't have been able to carry on working together the way that you did.”
“You know that was your fault, right?” Soobin says monotonously, acting rather disengaged with the conversation. He's referring to The Killa, and he's right; Taehyun wrote the song with Yeonjun and Soobin in mind, despite knowing how rocky their relationship was. Little shit.
Still, Yeonjun winces at Soobin's word choice. Your fault. Like them doing their job was a problem. Sure, it was for Yeonjun, knowing fully well that he'd have to perform a song about yearning and need with his crush of eight (okay… nine) years week-in week-out. It was torture. But why did Soobin resent it so much?
The whole discourse is frustrating him; he wants to get himself out of the situation as soon as he can. “You guys carry on, I'm going to shower,” he says, leaping up to his feet before the others can protest. He doesn't tune into the low mumbling that precedes his departure.
Being left alone with his thoughts turns out to be a bad idea. The hot water makes his heart beat faster, his stomach gurgling in anxiety. What if the members see right through him and his feelings, and that storming out was a bad idea? His body was screaming for him to leave the situation; he had no choice.
He thinks of Soobin. How patient he had been by not wanting to bother Yeonjun while he processed things on his own. Trying to be understanding and considerate, which only made his heart ache for the younger more. How he simply listened to almost everything Yeonjun had endured for the past few months without judgment. He can't help but cry a little, tears quickly swept away under the shower spray.
Fine, maybe the feelings he is harbouring are more than a crush. But! Hasn’t he been able to manage his feelings well enough over the past nine years?
He thinks back to the past two years and sighs. He did not manage his feelings well.
After moping in the shower for the best part of an hour he switches it off, towelling himself dry and putting on a fresh pair of underwear, the “YJ” etched into the waistband with a permanent marker clearly stating that they belong to him.
He manoeuvres into his bedroom to put on the rest of his outfit for the day. In the dark, he can only make out the heap of folded laundry that stands proudly on his bed. Somewhere within that pile is the shirt and jeans he had chosen to wear between schedules that day, but he couldn’t make them out with the limited light emanating from the bathroom (his worn-out brain couldn’t quite fathom the idea of turning on the lights in his room), so he started to feel around for similar textures.
His hand becomes consumed by the pile, and he becomes so lost in the various textiles that he easily loses his balance and flops onto the bed on his stomach, causing his clothes to fly everywhere. He faintly hears a pair of socks rolling across the laminate flooring.
His bed, however, does not feel like his bed. Whatever he had fallen on top of was much harder and lumpier than the normally inviting plush comfort of his mattress. He feels around more and feels a shirt on top of the hard thing, which seems to be rising up and down erratically. His hand quickly moves up until it feels something different, the texture significantly smoother, the surface hot to the touch. He feels something hard rise and then sink again.
The realisation hits him. His eyes trail upwards to whatever was directly beneath him, to make out a face very close to his own. A face he knows too well.
“Shit!” He gasps, immediately sitting up. “Soobin-ah, I didn’t know you were in here. I’m sorry.”
He discerns the way the younger’s body hiccups in laughter, even if he creates very little sound.
“It’s my fault for creeping into your room unannounced, I’m sorry,” Soobin says. Nine years, and that deep, steady voice still stirs something in him…
“No, it’s fine. You’re welcome in here anytime, haha… Was there something you needed?”
“Oh, uh, did you want to put on some clothes first?” He asks. Right. He’s practically naked. Great.
Just because he’s mostly naked does not mean that his brain can function properly.
“...No?” Yeonjun replies, immediately cringing at himself. The situation was flustering him, causing him to behave strangely and say bizarre things like please talk to me while I’m just in my underwear. “Sorry, I mean– it’s nothing you haven’t seen before, right?”
“Suit yourself,” Soobin mumbles, readjusting his reclined position on the bed. “I just wanted to apologise for earlier. It seemed the younger members made you uncomfortable, and I should’ve pulled the plug on the whole ‘Love Calculator’ thing early on.”
“Hey, it’s not your fault. I should’ve reacted sooner; I could’ve just closed my laptop, I just got… distracted. I also shouldn’t have reacted like that. I’m sorry if I offended you in any way.”
Yeonjun sighs, lowering his upper body so that he lies down next to Soobin. The two face one another in silence for a few moments, the older taking in all of the details of the younger’s face. Eyes tracing every faint freckle, the indent from an old pimple that marred his otherwise smooth skin. Everything about Soobin feels so beautiful and human, even in the dim light of Yeonjun’s room.
“Do you want to talk about it?” The leader offers, his hand moving to smooth down Yeonjun’s damp locks of hair. He has to restrain himself from keening into Soobin’s touch.
“Now’s probably not the right time…” he replies, shifting to move onto his back to create space for himself.
Soobin resists, shuffling his body even closer to Yeonjun’s. “Hey, we said no more of that, right? That if you had a problem, you can talk to me about it straight away, even if we don’t talk it through there and then. That way, I at least know what’s on your mind”
Right, they did say that. Yeonjun strongly regrets that now, feeling he has no other choice but to come clean about his feelings while they lay amongst his clean laundry.
“It’s just, do you think Taehyun’s right?” He asks, his final line of defence. Push Soobin to say something before he risks his own dignity.
“What do you mean?” Soobin replies, not quite falling for Yeonjun’s trap. Of course, he knows Yeonjun too well.
“You know, the part about how we’re drawn to each other and whatnot. Do you think that’s true?”
“Do you?” Soobin retorts.
This has always been their issue. They always tend to try to push each other to the edge, waiting for the other to snap. Give in to whatever could come next.
This was always bad for Yeonjun, who is desperately stubborn. His cousin would say that it’s because he’s an earth sign, whatever that meant. But maybe he was beginning to understand where Soobin was coming from. Why did Soobin always have to give in? Why was Yeonjun never able to give back?
With a deep breath, he lets himself give in. “I do, Soobinnie. I always feel drawn to you, whether we’re on good terms or not.”
His statement is met with silence, and Yeonjun quickly prepares himself for rejection. He thinks that giving in may not be as awful as he made it out to be, that getting his feelings out in the open feels much better than keeping them locked away for eternity. Even alongside the pain, he at least feels free.
He flinches when he feels fingertips brush his cheekbones. His eyelids, which he hadn’t realised were closed, flitted open. He was surprised to find Soobin was now positioned a few centimetres away from him. On instinct, his hands make their way to the younger’s waist, to try and make his intentions clearer.
“Me too,” Soobin says softly. “I’ve always been drawn to you, Yeonjunnie-hyung.”
Yeonjun leans in then, leaving a gentle kiss on Soobin’s lips. He’s quick to pull away slightly, just to soak in the tenderness of their intimacy, and to give Soobin ample opportunity to pull away.
Soobin, however, pulls in.
For the first time in nine years, Yeonjun’s mind completely empties. He focuses on the sensation of warm lips against his own, passively awaiting Yeonjun’s lead. He kisses unhurriedly but urgently, hands pulling Soobin’s body closer to his own, greedy to have all of him. The joy of having Soobin all to himself for a few moments, in a way he could never have had him before, was enthralling.
He has the wherewithal to pull away before they could let things go too far. Their call time was in half an hour, in which they had to wrangle all the members to get ready for the upcoming pre-record. For a few seconds, they let their erratic breaths mingle between them.
Neither can fight the wide smiles on their faces. Yeonjun feels his shoulders relax, years worth of tension relieving his body. All he wants is to pull Soobin even closer to him.
“Perfect,” He hears Soobin say without an ounce of sarcasm. He sees the younger staring at him with an awe he hadn’t noticed before, as if his inhibitions had been exorcised.
“I like you a lot, Choi Soobin,” He says. It’s a little lame, especially after all this time, but he’s surprised by how natural the confession feels rolling off his tongue.
“I like you too, a lot a lot,” Soobin replies with little eloquence, but Yeonjun cherishes the words regardless with a giggle.
It’s difficult to know how to respond. Does someone ask the other out, or are they automatically boyfriends? What if Soobin doesn’t want a relationship? Yeonjun’s mind races with anxiety.
“Hyung, you did a lot of the heavy lifting today, and I can hear your thoughts from here. So let’s settle this. Take me out on a date after promotions. Deal?”
Yeonjun hums, pretending to think about the offer. “Kind of want to call you my boyfriend now, though…”
Soobin giggles, rubbing the older’s cheek affectionately. “You are definitely my boyfriend now, if that’s what you want.”
“Is that what you want, Soobinnie?” He asks, hanging onto the very last thread of anxiety plaguing him.
“Hyung, I have wanted you to be my boyfriend for a very long time, trust me.”
Yeonjun blushes at the prospect of Soobin having feelings for him for a “very long time”, much like himself. He knows this is all juvenile, but it’s very fitting for them.
“Fine. Once promotions end, we’ll go get frozen yoghurt. Sound good?”
“Froyo always sounds good, even better if I get to taste it on your lips…”
Yeonjun groans. “That was terrible. You should be embarrassed.”
The younger giggles as he gets up to leave the room. “Doesn’t matter. You love it anyway.”
Love. Yeonjun can’t bring himself to say it, but he can’t bring himself to deny it either.
“I do.”