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It was late March, early spring. The air still carried the last remains of a winter breeze that left Leon’s skin littered in goosebumps and gently brushed the fringe from his eyes. It was bright outside; the temperature and the last remains of snow juxtaposed with the blue, cloudless sky and warm sun as Leon crushed the ice that had formed in the crevices of his front door. He let out a sigh through his nose.
Four months. It’d almost been four months since early November of 2004- the exact date slipped his mind, but he remembered the way the sky darkened to a dusty purple and the leaves piled up beneath his feet down the path to Valdelobos. It’d been almost four months since Las Plagas first wracked his body, since he’d had to weigh how much his life meant in comparison to Ashley’s safety, since he took down Krauser with one final, shaky breath-
It will have been almost four months since Leon’s life changed forever.
And, as he glanced over his shoulder inside to peek at the man with dark wavy hair curled up and staring out the window over the arm of his couch…
Leon came to the silent conclusion with a soft smile that it’d been changed for the better.
He still thought about what happened in that little village nestled deep in the mountains often. Saddler’s voice still whispered in the back of his mind when the nights got too quiet, and Ashley was no stranger to calling him late into the evening too; she’d say it was to check up on him, but in reality, Leon knew it was to keep the loneliness of her trauma at bay, though he’d never say that part out loud. Nobody else knew quite what Ashley had gone through, and even with her support network, he knew she still struggled. Hell, so did Leon. Who on earth wouldn’t?
But for as much as Leon struggled with the weight of his memories, by God, Luis was absolutely suffering.
He saw it in the way Luis spoke, in the way his words would slow and lose all their flowery dramatics and his eyes would water when certain topics were brought up with hesitancy. He saw it in the way Luis was almost religious in his quest for redemption; like no amount of self-sacrifice would satisfy his hunger for forgiveness.
He saw it in the way Luis would stare endlessly out the window or down at his feet for hours on end. And when Leon questioned him about the large gaps of time lost doing nothing, Luis always seemed confused that any time at all had passed. Like hours gone by were mere seconds for him.
He saw it in the way Luis woke up screaming in the middle of the night. A scream that could only come from a man with insurmountable blood on his hands and mistakes beneath his fingernails.
He saw it in the way Luis broke down sobbing one afternoon when he found a dead bird in their garden. He had spent the rest of the day insisting he could still save it. As if its death was his fault.
These things didn’t happen often, but Leon still saw them. And it gutted him every time.
Leon knew that, realistically, Luis had gone through some fucked up shit (to put it eloquently) during his time spent with Los Illuminados. He knew the infected villagers were people he grew up with, the scientists he worked with and watched die to their experiments his friends- he also knew that the torture devices outside their labs weren’t just for show. He knew what happened to the scientists who disobeyed. Or, at least… he could gather an image in mind.
And whether warranted or not, Luis blamed himself for each and every single thing.
What Leon had gone through in the span of two days was Luis’ life for five years.
It was no wonder the guilt that followed him with a religious reverence ate him up alive.
But somehow, every day, Luis still woke up. He still put one foot in front of the other and still insisted on teasing him and pushing his buttons until the Agent broke- how a single man was able to make Leon trip and stumble over his words like this was his first ever puppydog crush with such ease was beyond him.
Leon genuinely, from the bottom of his heart, couldn’t remember a time in his life where he’d smiled and laughed more than after Luis had agreed to move in with him. Every day felt like some grand, whimsical adventure and no idea was too silly to not try even once. Leon had never been to so many museums and café’s in his damn life but he reckoned he’d follow Luis to the ends of the earth if he asked him so.
Luis seemed to love Leon with all his guilty, selfless, idealistic heart; and Leon would be remiss not to love him in return.
And that was exactly why, when Luis had these dissociative “spells”, Leon took care of him. He saw it coming from a mile away earlier that morning, the way Luis was staring out the window like he wasn’t fully there as Leon grunted and trudged around the melting snow was a telltale sign something was up in that busy head of his.
Many psychologist visits came back with the same diagnosis of c-PTSD and/or dissociative symptoms on some level- none of which Luis actually remembered sitting through, ironically- but regardless of what they were, Leon knew how to help.
Leon took his boots off inside and leant over the couch Luis was sprawled across. Wordlessly, he brushed his fingers through his dark, curly hair and tucked the locks behind his ear. In his head he reminisced on just how long Luis’ hair had gotten since they first met; it was easily almost down to his shoulders now.
It took a few minutes for Luis to be gently pulled out of his state but when he did, he met Leon’s eyes with a tired, shaky smile.
“Ah, and how long have you been standing there, ¿mí corazón?”
“Not long,” Leon ran his thumb across the shell of Luis’ ear, “figured you could use some company.”
It took Luis a moment to respond. It usually did, but his voice remained soft when he replied; “Always so considerate of me, aren’t you?”
“Considerate? More like doing the bare minimum.”
“Like I always say! Ever the squire, you are.”
Luis’ smile didn’t reach his eyes when he spoke. They still looked hazed-over and glossy, like he’d just ‘woken up’ and was still taking in the world around him. Leon’s hand never left the side of his face as he watched the man sigh and lean into his touch with a softness that broke his heart.
If it were any other time or place, Leon would’ve let him fall back asleep and curled up alongside him… but he knew now was not that time. He needed Luis to wake up and stay awake; the longer he was “out”, the harder it was for him to inevitably adjust to the real world again.
Leon cleared his throat. “You still with me, cowboy?”
Luis let out a little hum. “Sí. Just… out of it, is all,” his squeezed shut for a moment. “Everything still feels strange. TV static-y, you know? Like there’s someone or something tugging at the back of my mind, trying to pull me away from here…”
Leon let him speak, but he noticed the way Luis’ gaze wandered again. “Lo siento, I’m not sure if I’m making any sense at all, Sancho-“
“Don’t apologize,” Leon was quick to cut him off. “It’s- It’s good to talk about this. Get your mind off of things n’ stuff.”
“Is it bad if I don’t remember how I got here in the first place?”
Leon swallowed. Luis’ voice was soft, uncharacteristically so- and although his gaze met Leon’s, he still seemed so, so far away.
It scared Leon. But he knew the loss of time must scare Luis tenfold.
“You know what? Nah,” Leon tried to lighten the mood, albeit awkwardly. “I forgot my keys on the seat of my motorbike this mornin’. I think I left them out there for a good few hours, so you’re not the only forgetful one here.”
“A few hours? Wait- what’s the time?”
Leon swallowed thickly. “Uh, 3:00 PM, I think…”
Luis was silent.
Leon felt a knot in the back of his throat when he saw his lover's eyebrows pinch and his lips wobble a little… he couldn’t handle seeing Luis- someone usually so strong, so confident in themselves- be in so much distress.
His Don Quixote looked damn near ready to cry. And in that moment, Leon wished more than anything that those bad memories would manifest into a person he could roundhouse kick in the face. He was good at that. He could protect Luis that way. But the confirmation of time was enough to set them back to square one; and Leon felt like he’d fucked up tremendously.
Luis needed a distraction.
“Hey, sweetheart,” Leon’s voice cracked a little after a beat had passed, his throat not used to speaking so softly and his hands still caressing the side of Luis’ face. The last time he’d spoken with such carefulness was with Ashley back in Valdelobos.
“C’mon. I know it’s hard. I know. But we’ve gotta get up, alright?”
Luis paused, taking in Leon’s words slowly… before letting out a little hum of agreement and nodding. He gave the Agent his hands to squeeze and help him sit upright, and a silent encouragement shared between the two.
Leon remembered Luis once describing the feeling of ‘coming to’ as being similar to waking up after passing out or getting knocked unconscious, so he made sure to take things slow, but when his eyes landed on an abandoned packet of daffodil bulbs on the dining room table- he knew exactly the kind of distraction Luis needed.
“…Hey, random question, but uh.. d’you wanna plant some daffodils?”
Luis blinked up at him before a little puff of laughter escaped his lips.
“Why, Sancho, I never thought you of all people would be the gardening type!”
“What do you mean?” Leon scoffed incredulously, “they were your idea!”
Once again Luis was left blinking. “Oh, I don’t… remember that. However! It certainly seems like the kind of thing I would suggest, no?”
“You don’t remember buying daffodil bulbs with me?”
“Leon, I feel like somebody just hit me over the head with a steel chair. I don’t remember shit.”
A loud bark of laughter left Leon’s mouth out of surprise at the bluntness of Luis’ statement, who in turn, thought Leon’s startled noises were just the funniest thing in the world and couldn’t stop giggling to himself until they made it outside. They put their boots on while the sun warmed their skin and the spring breeze kept them from getting too hot in their winter jackets.
Luis grabbed the shovel from where one of them had left it resting earlier that morning, and Leon began stomping away at the last remains of the mushy snow laying atop the fresh soil. He could hear his boyfriend laughing at him from the other side of their small garden, his teasing voice ringing out;
“There’s more efficient ways to get rid of the snow, you know!!”
“Oh yeah?” Leon tried to kick a pile towards him but it just landed in a mushy heap on the toe of his shoe, so he opted for resting his hands on his hips judgementally instead. “Then why don’t you come over here and shovel it yourself, pretty boy?”
“Pretty boy?!”
Leon’s face was already red before Luis could even continue.
“Dios mio- was that your way of trying to get back at me or flirt with me??”
“Uh, it was, ah…”
Leon was so done for.
“It was whatever you want it to be.”
He knew his defence was terrible, but that didn’t seem to matter to Luis, who was now doubled over with laughter and had left the shovel long-forgotten by his side. And although Leon’s neck was hot with embarrassment, he couldn’t ignore the warm feeling that grew in his chest from hearing Luis’ laughter. He’d rather make a fool of himself every day for the rest of his life than go without the sound ever again.
“Alright, alright, you know what? If you think you’re such a big strong man, why don’t you turn over the soil while I plant the daffodils?”
“Great idea Señor!”
Luis picked his shovel back up with a little more pep in his step this time. He swung it in a circle at his side much like a trusty lance as he basically trotted up next to Leon to give him a smile.
“You can stand there and look pretty while the expert does all the hard work, ey?”
“Who’s the pretty one now…”
Luis placed a kiss on Leon’s cheek before digging his shovel into the soil. “You are”.
Leon felt a little dizzy from the kiss alone. Which, sure, was embarrassing on his end- but he could also tell how much effort Luis was putting into grounding himself for Leon, and that was infinitely more important than his puppydog feelings.
It’s not like Luis can snap back from those dissociative episodes easily, Leon knows this- but he also knows Luis appreciates all the support Leon provides. It’s why the scientist is currently humming to himself as he turns the cold, root-covered dirt over to reveal fresh soil underneath and why he’s got his shoulder pressed to Leon’s. It's a quiet companionship where they both know if the roles were reversed they could rely on each other- hell, they’d probably die for each other if they had to, and they damn near almost did.
Leon swallowed thickly and silently hoped it’d never come to that- for Luis’ sake- ever again as he stepped away into the garden shed momentarily to put his gloves on before tearing open the packet of daffodils bulbs. Their garden wasn’t big by any means, it stood in front of their rental apartment and backed onto the main road, but Luis had been begging to pretty it up with flowers for months and now seemed like the perfect time.
“The grass needs mowing again,” Leon commented gruffly as he knelt down and tore through the root-like weeds to make it easier for Luis to dig. There were some days where Luis could hardly walk due to the pain from the, well… injury on his upper back, and needed a wheelchair to move around. Most days he just opted for a cane. Physical labour always made the pain worse so subconsciously, Leon knew he’d have to take over the digging sooner or later. “It’s getting too long and there’s all these, these- weeds in the way…”
As if reading his mind, Luis paused to take a breather, a hand subconsciously raising to gingerly press at his upper back. “We could plant some clover! I hear it keeps the grass from getting too long and such. We’d never have to use that dusty old lawnmower ever again!”
“You wouldn’t be worried about bees?” Leon’s joke fell terribly flat as he tapped Luis on the arm, silently asking him if he wanted to swap roles. Luis nodded with a wince and handed him the shovel, taking the seeds in his palm and kneeling down beside him. Despite the temperature, Leon opted to roll up his sleeves as he stood tall and steadied himself with one foot on the shovel.
“Of course not,” Leon heard Luis speak but was too preoccupied with digging a second hole through the weeds to notice where Luis’ gaze was lingering. “I’ve got my own Ponyboy Curtis to protect me wherever I go.”
“Was that supposed to be an Outsiders reference or are you calling me gay?”
“It was whatever you’d like it to be, señor.”
Leon paused. Then he looked back at Luis.
“…you’re staring at my arms, aren’t you?”
Luis gave him the biggest, shit-eating grin.
“It’s not my fault you’re built like a Greek statue!”
“That’s pushin’ it a lil bit…”
“But it’s true! You're the most handsome knight errant I’ve ever met!”
Leon had to dip his head low to hide just how red his face was getting. “Yeah, well, you’re… rugged.”
“Rugged?! Really?” Luis’ smile grew wider. “That's what we’re going with?!”
Leon very nearly stomped his feet and sighed like a child in defeat. “I don’t know, you’re rugged! You’ve got this- this sad, scruffy, chivalrous kinda charm to you that reminds me of a beaten knight or something!”
“That’s Don Quixote De La Mancha to you!” Luis wagged his finger playfully at Leon. “And don’t you forget it!”
Their bickering went on for what felt like forever, but as the minutes ticked by, Luis’ voice grew oddly quieter and quieter, and Leon found himself carrying most of the conversation. He didn’t pay it any mind at first, his focus was instead on making sure the holes for the daffodil bulbs were deep and spaced out enough as the packet instructed; 15cm deep, 15cm apart.
Leon was no gardener, however, so when he’d ripped through enough of the weed roots and dug enough holes to earn himself a little break he turned to face Luis- one arm leant on the shovel while the other came up to wipe the sweat from his brow as he spoke.
“Do you think this is deep enough? Gardening isn’t exactly my forte so I’m just workin’ off of whatever the packet told me…”
Leon paused for Luis’ response, but none came. It was only then did he notice the tired, distracted look on his lover's face- an expression not too dissimilar to the one Luis was wearing not even half an hour ago. Leon’s heart ached with sympathy. Beneath the bravado Luis looked so exhausted.
He knew from experience just how damn tired your own mind could make you. A bone-deep, neverending kind of exhaustion that came from your brain working overtime with nothing but paranoia and fear to keep you going like a drug. He’d experienced it in training and he’d experienced it tenfold in South America on Operation Javier, and Leon wasn’t sure if that exhaustion ever truly left him.
Leon didn't want to make Luis feel sad or upset by pointing out the obvious dissociation again, however. So after tapping Luis gently on the shoulder he cleared his throat and said the first thing that came to mind;
“Bellaaaaaaa… Where the hell have you been, loca?”
Luis stared at him in silence, open-mouthed and shocked, for at least 10 seconds before shouting
“You’ve seen the Twilight movies?!”
Leon was interrogated relentlessly afterwards as the two buried the daffodil bulbs deep beneath the soil and stowed away their gloves and shovel in the garden shed just in time to watch the sunset outside. Luis only fell quiet once the air turned from a breezy chill to biting cold, instinctively huddling up at Leon’s side until the blonde caved and wrapped his thick winter jacket around his boyfriend's shoulders for an extra layer of warmth. Any semblance of irritation he could’ve possibly felt was swept away by a wave of warmth when Luis tucked his head into the crook of Leon’s shoulder.
The two stood there quietly as the sky turned from a fiery orange to a dusty pink, the last light of the sun shadowed by distant apartment buildings. The sounds of cars and general city noise was drowned out entirely by Luis’ presence.
“So why daffodils?” Leon asked after a beat. “I know you said you don’t remember buying them, but- do you think there was any reason for that flower in particular?”
“If I had to guess, they probably reminded me of my Grandfather..” Luis hummed gently.
“…During autumn, the forest behind our home by the lake would be filled with daffodils. My Grandfather would go out early in the morning and pick a bunch for me as a surprise before I even woke up.”
“Your Grandfather sounds lovely.”
Luis smiled sadly.
“He was. I just… wish I remembered more about him.”
A beat passed between them. Leon knew what Luis meant in the silence between unspoken words; he wished he remembered more, what happened in his past, remembered what happened in the moments where he wasn’t fully “there”.
Some days Leon struggled the same way. Memories and faces of people he knew and lost in Raccoon City seemed to slowly fade away with time…
“Best not to dwell on the past though, eh?” Luis smiled, as if reading Leon’s mind. “It already sucks I lost half the day…”
“Would it make you feel better if we stayed up late and watched some movies tonight? As a treat?”
Luis laughed and took Leon’s hand, following him inside and out of the cold.
“Sí, I would like that very much… Thank you, by the way. For everything.”
Leon didn’t know how to respond in a way that fully encapsulated his sincerity, so instead, he gave Luis a slightly awkward nod and kissed him softly on his calloused knuckles.
“For you? I’d do anything.”