Chapter Text
There was a light knocking on the door, the flash of a light turning on, and the murmur of several voices. Why wouldn’t they just leave him alone? Reiner sat alone in a corner, on the floor in his room, knees pulled up to his chest, and arms wrapped tightly around them. His head was buried within them, trying to block out the outside world. Thoughts were racing through his head nonstop, each one crueler than the next.
“Couldn’t even finish the job.”
“Monster, murderer, devil.”
“This is what you deserve. You can’t hurt anyone in here.”
“He’s back here,” he heard one voice say. Instinctively, his arms moved to cover his ears. He didn’t need to hear them talking about him, especially when he was right there.
“Reiner Braun?” another voice asked. His eyes peeked up from his knees to get a look at the speaker. A woman stepped forward wearing a long-sleeved blouse and a long skirt. Her shoes looked like they’d hurt with each step. The woman kneeled down to his level. “Reiner, my name is Dr. Florence, and I’m going to be your doctor while you’re here. Would it be alright if we spoke for a moment?” He didn’t move, nor did he speak. What was there to talk about? What could this doctor help him with? She couldn’t take away his pain and she couldn’t undo what he did.
“Reiner,” she tried again. “We can meet in here if it’s easier.” Behind her, an array of individuals from the nurse to a woman who Reiner assumed was another treatment provider watched silently. So many pairs of eyes were staring at, no, judging him. They wanted to know what his next move was so they could stop him if he did something they deemed incorrect. “Go away,” he mumbled. “I want to be left alone.”
He heard a sigh from the doctor. “Reiner, you know we can’t do that.” He could hear displeasure beginning to take root in her voice. “Reiner?” Could she stop saying his name? He knew his damn name! “We have two options and we can do whichever one you prefer; we can either talk in your room for a couple minutes, or we can talk in one of the conference rooms.”
“I already told you that I want to be left alone,” he growled. He didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. He saw her gesture to two men dressed in uniforms. They were tall, broad-shouldered, and dressed in perfectly pressed suits. Reiner’s eyes widened. They were coming to punish him! His body locked up, and he pushed himself further back into his corner.
“Hey, hey, hey, hey,” one of the men said, also kneeling down next to him. “We just want to have a chat with you.” He noticed the sound of Reiner’s breathing, which had rapidly increased over the past few seconds. “You’re going to be ok. Breathe with me.” The uniformed man started taking slow, deep, and audible breaths, hoping that Reiner would follow along. “The doctor is very nice, I promise.” No answer. “Look,” the man continued, “we just want to help you. We’re not here to hurt you.” He offered Reiner a hand.
“Why can’t you just leave, please?” Reiner whimpered, making himself as small as he could. Everything about this place was so invasive and stressful. Everyone wanted to know everything about who he was from his past to the names of his family, to every little thought that ran through his head. There was little to no privacy anywhere. He couldn’t even take a piss without being watched.
“Reiner,” the man sighed. “We want to help you get better, but we can’t do that without your cooperation. Is this your first time in a place like this?” Was this man a part of the interrogation too? Reiner didn’t say anything, keeping his eyes fixated on the man in front of him. “Look, I know it’s not ideal to be here, and we all want to help you leave as soon as possible, but for that to happen, we need to work together. The doctors, nurses, and staff here all want to help you get better.”
“Better?” Reiner scoffed under his breath. “You should’ve just let me finish the job then.” What was his life worth anyway? His “friends” all were living (mostly) happy lives, rebuilding with their families, and going about their day as if everything was fine. Even Mikasa, who was heartbroken after the death of Eren, found new meaning through visiting his grave and doing her best to rebuild what was lost. As for Levi, he was in good hands since Gabi and Falco wouldn’t leave him alone. He became almost a mentor to the two young children.
The others similarly went about their days as if everything was normal. Jean and Connie helped with the rebuilding, Armin and Annie grew closer than ever before, and Pieck had become quite the caretaker, looking after children who’d lost their families. Everyone had found a new purpose, everyone but Reiner.
He tried… he freaking tried. He joined Jean and Connie and Pieck, he assisted Levi with adjusting to his new life, he visited Armin and Annie… nothing seemed to fill the giant, aching hole within him. Every time closed his eyes, Reiner was met with vicious nightmares. His screams would echo throughout the entire household. He wasn’t safe, even during the daytime, where seeing faces would throw his mind back into his memories of pain and suffering. The others had asked if everything was ok, and he’d just give them the same answer: he was fine.
“Reiner?” Yes, that was his name. How many times did they need to keep saying it? “In the past three months, have you had thoughts of harming or killing yourself?” The doctor’s voice grinded against his ears. Was she serious? One would only have to look at the amount of gauze wrapped around both of his forearms to know the answer. “What do you think?” he mumbled, not even bothering to look at her.
“Uh huh,” the doctor muttered under her breath. Her pen scratched loudly against her notepad. “Do you have thoughts about harming or killing yourself right now?” Enough with these stupid assessments. He’d already been drained enough as it was when they asked them the first time around. “I don’t want to talk about this right now.” Reiner buried his head again, the itch of the gauze suddenly becoming more prominent than before.
He'd had it all planned out to. It would’ve been quick and silent. If he went calmly in the middle of the night, then he wouldn’t disturb anyone. One less thing to feel guilty about in his mind. The only regret he had now, aside from failing, was the fact that it was Gabi who found him, not his mom, not Jean, not Armin, not Annie or Mikasa… Gabi. The doctor’s words filtered through his head, and all he could think about was the look of absolute terror, shock, and heartbreak on Gabi’s face. Even as his vision faded in and out and the rest of his senses were dulled, he could still make out her face.
Minutes past but felt like hours to Reiner. Eventually, the uniformed man and the doctor left the room, talking to themselves. “I’ll come check on you later, ok?” the nurse called from her spot outside the room. Reiner waited. He waited for the light to turn off and for the door to close, leaving him in his darkness once more. It never happened.
The next several sequences of events could only be described by Reiner as one of the most degrading things he’d ever seen. Several staff members came into his room, including his nurse. The nurse spoke with a firm voice, being incredibly direct with him. “Reiner, due to safety concerns, the doctor has placed you on self-harm protocol for the time being. That means we have to remove everything in the room that could be a potential ligature risk.” Feeling too defeated to even move, Reiner could only watch with a blank stare on his face as two staff members removed both the window and shower curtains. Sheets, blankets, and pillow casings on his bed were also removed and replaced with the “safer” alternative.
Any object that was deemed potentially hazardous, which included any sharpened pencils, were also stripped away from him.
“For your safety, we’re also placing you on a 1-to-1 for the time being.” Reiner could feel his heart drop. They were going to watch him 24/7? For how long? “It’s not going to be forever,” the nurse assured him. “It’s just to ensure your safety.” Was that supposed to make him feel better? Given his issues, who knows how long it’ll last. Maybe forever. They’ll never let him leave this place. “Let us know if you need anything.” The nurse then left the room without another word, leaving Reiner alone with a random tech who just sat at the door, watching him.
Reiner stared with empty eyes at the person sitting by the door; they looked unimaginably bored, sitting with a slumped stance and hard glare in their eyes. Their mind was clearly elsewhere and not at all interested in dealing with him. But in Reiner’s, who would want to deal with him? He was a mass murderer and a traitor; he should’ve been executed, if not by Marley, then by Jean and his friends. That’s what he deserved. The tech didn’t even introduce themselves, just watched, as Reiner continued to curl himself up even further.
Time continued to pass and lunch was eventually handed out. The staff members changed by the hour, but they weren’t really interested in engaging with Reiner. They just sat and watched his sorry-self wallow away in the corner. “Reiner!” the nurse called from the entrance, “lunch is here.” He didn’t budge.
“Do you want to come get your lunch? Let’s go,” the sitter said. “Come on!” Reiner stayed still, not moving. “Look, man, you need to get up. I can have someone bring your lunch to you, but you can’t do this all the time.” They mumbled a few words into their walkie before sitting back in their chair. A few seconds later, another tech came over with a paper tray, all utensils removed. It didn’t matter if the food wasn’t even made to be eaten by hand, all items the staff deemed hazardous were gone. He’d have to eat with his hands. They left the tray on his bed, gave him a cheery smile, and left as if nothing was amiss. What was wrong with this place?
He wasn’t going to eat if the person was watching him. No, he couldn’t. His ears picked up a light growl from his stomach. Reiner internally groaned. Even though he had been trying to eat better after the war, he’d still lost a significant amount of weight over those 4 long years since Paradis. He never seemed to regain it back either. Sometimes, his mom caught him skipping meals; other times, he’d take a few bites before retreating back to the darkness of his room. And that was when he wasn’t in the hospital.
“You should eat,” the dull voice of the tech droned. “Just a bite or something.” Reiner continued to say nothing. Meanwhile, his head continued to wage war with itself.
“Come on; you’ll feel better afterward. Why would I eat in front of someone like that? You know how many people you killed? How many people will never wake up to enjoy a hot meal again? You didn’t finish the job,you coward. You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve nice things. But I’m so hungry. A tiny bite won’t hurt anyone.” Even with the thoughts, he made no move to get up and grab the tray. Reiner felt immobilized, drained… like his body was made of a bunch of boulders.
Minutes past before the tech picked up their walkie again to mumble a few words he didn’t pick up on. Moments past before a nurse showed up again. “Reiner, you have to eat something, ok? You didn’t touch your breakfast either. Can I get you a snack instead?” No answer. Reiner heard a sigh escape her. She was growing frustrated with him. “Reiner, how can we help you? Please work with us here.” Desperate too. Soon, she’d probably kick him out to the streets or force-feed him for all to see. That’s why he was here, wasn’t it, to punish him for his crimes and make him look even more like a fool than he already was. “I’m going to call the social worker,” the nurse finally relented. “You’ll like her, I promise.” Sick of him already? It wasn’t the first time Reiner had experienced this.
The minutes ticked on and on with Reiner continuing to not eat or leave his corner. What good was talking to the social worker going to do anyway? What could she offer him that the nurses and doctor hadn’t tried to inject into his body already? Was she going to fill his head with more garbage sayings about how ‘it wasn’t his fault’ and that ‘his response to the traumatic things in his life was justified?’
The door opened slightly, and in walked the social worker. Reiner peeked his head up again from where it rested, noting her features. She was young, dressed in professional yet comforting clothes. Her brown hair was pulled back in a ponytail. She looked almost like Sasha. Sasha… the memory of her haunted Reiner for it was his sweet Gabi who’d pulled the trigger that ended her life. It seemed that his cursed bloodline could do nothing right.
“Hello, Reiner,” she said sweetly. Almost immediately, she sat down opposite him, her body mirroring his. Was this some psychological trick she learned at social work school? “I’m Amanda, and I’m going to be your social worker while you’re here. I hear you’ve had some difficulties adjusting, huh?” Again, Reiner said nothing. “I don’t think anyone expects to wind up here,” Amanda continued, not ready to give up that easily. “That being said, there’s nothing wrong or shameful about needing that extra level of care. We as humans weren’t designed to carry all of our experiences alone, especially trauma. You, Reiner, aren’t expected to go through this alone.”
She really must be naïve to water down all of his problems to ‘carrying too much.’ He finally lifted his head up, exposing his haggard face and shadow-covered eyes for Amanda to see. Maybe now these damn employees would finally understand that there was no hope for him. They should’ve already understood that from one look at his wrists. A lifetime of healing any blemish was now gone; he couldn’t hide his scars anymore. “Do you really think you can fix me? You don’t even know me or what I’ve done. Trust me, the world would be better off without me.”
Amanda arched an eyebrow at his statement. “My job isn’t to ‘fix’ you. What do you mean by that? What is it you’re expecting me to do?”
“I already told you.”
“Reiner, you know I can’t do that. Please, what is it that I can help you with?”
She sounded so sincere that it almost hurt to listen to. Reiner pulled his knees against him tighter, the rush of hot tears stinging his eyes. She obviously was just trying to get an answer out of him so she can report that she did her job and be done with him. “Can I ask you something?” he asked.
“Go for it.”
His eyes met hers with an intense stare. “If the devil came to you, and asked you to absolve him of his sins, could you do it?”
Amanda’s eyes widened slightly, clearly not expecting that type of question, and Reiner knew it. No one was equipped for that kind of question, because no one was equipped to handle him and what he’d done. The fact that she even opened her mouth to say something was impressive enough. “That, Reiner, is an ask that no one truly has the power to answer. Perhaps, a higher being could answer, if you believe in that. However, there is one person who could perhaps come to some sort of conclusion regarding that.”
“Who?”
“You can. Whatever crime you committed, it’s not my job to condemn you for that. It’s up to you to figure out how to make peace with what happened. My job is to help guide you through the feelings you’re experiencing and how to cope with them in ways that are healthy. I can’t fix you; I can’t make you a time machine to undo the past, and I certainly can’t tell you that if you do this one specific thing, all your problems will go away.”
“Then what can you do?” Reiner asked with a sharp tone. She was wasting his time, time that could be well spent planning his ultimate atonement for his sins.
Amanda blinked. “I can guide you; if you let me, that is. The doctor here can also help you; she’s very smart and can help you understand what’s going on inside of your head.”
“You mean the nightmares and all that?”
“Yes, the nightmares, and all that. Let me ask you something Reiner, what lead you to want to die so badly?”
Reiner glared at her. She wouldn’t understand nor should she try to. Who would understand what he was going through anyway? It wasn’t just the things he did that haunted him; it was his entire, miserable life too. It was constantly hearing he was never good enough from his mom. It was the constant threat of being murdered for simply being born Eldian. It was the deaths of Marcel, Marco, and Bertolt. It was watching Eren Yeager and his army of Titans rumble the world until the majority of humanity was destroyed. It was being used as a weapon and being violated by Marley’s sick games.
This was his answer: “Because Amanda, I’m the devil. And there’s only one fate that devils deserve.”
…
Amanda sat down at her desk following her conversation with her new patient, Reiner Braun. She had to write up her notes before going to see her next patient. As soon as she opened up her notebook a huge sigh escaped her. Pulling out her copy of his file, her eyes skimmed the already existing notes from the hospital he came from. Amanda let out another sigh. The number of pages that covered Reiner’s history added up to a grand total of three. He was going to be a tough case. There was so little information because he’d either not said anything, or had repeated what he’d said to her.
Seeing as Reiner had gotten here yesterday evening, Amanda did have some reading to do. One page covered Reiner’s role as the Armored Titan. It was public knowledge among Marleyans. However, the information given had been strictly dry and clean-cut. Apparently, Reiner had very little to say about how he felt as the Armored Titan or his time on Paradis. His only comments had been about how he was a ‘devil’ and a ‘monster.’ Although, whether Reiner was referring to himself as a devil due to being the Armored Titan, an Eldian, or both, had yet to be determined. Another page talked about his history before being the Armored Titan. Again, the information was dry; it mentioned he grew up in the Liberio internment zone with his mother, aunt, and uncle. It barely mentioned any notes on what Reiner thought of his experiences. The final page covered the presenting problem, which to no surprise, was about his suicide attempt three nights ago. There were some footnotes regarding disturbed sleep, flashbacks, and persistent, intrusive thoughts about suicide, but that was about it.
The man was incredibly uncooperative with the staff, yet Amanda couldn’t fault him for that. No one goes through something as frightening as attempting suicide only to be questioned excessively about it. The way he presented when she was called to talk to him struck her: curled up as tight and as small as he could make himself, hiding in the corner, and head tucked in his knees. He was very distressed, likely scared too. When he lifted his face to look at her, the pain in his eyes was very real. This man had likely been suffering for a long time.
His questions were heavy and not ones she had a good answer to. Amanda would have to really sit down and figure out what would be the best way to work with him. Did Reiner want her to validate the negative perceptions about himself? Did he think his incessant self-flagellation would soothe aching wounds within him? What he really needed, in her opinion, was someone specializing in trauma, not a bunch of medications. The meds might help him get a good night’s rest, but they wouldn’t silence the inner voices completely. He’d been brought in to their hospital for an attempted suicide, but the root of his struggles ran much, much deeper.
Reiner Braun was a deeply suffering man; that fact became more and more clear as Amanda’s pen continued to scratch away at the paper. ‘Devil,’ he’d called himself, but not just a devil, the devil. And there was only one fate he felt that he deserved. But where does one start when their client held onto their seed of self-hatred so tightly? A week or two in a psychiatric hospital was not going to cover it.
Her pencil scratched faster and faster, words flying across the page.
But a month-long stay without a consistent therapist wouldn’t either. They’d risk Reiner getting worse, lying about his feelings, leaving, and then attempting again, maybe even succeeding much to the sorrow and horror of his loved ones. What could she do? What could anyone do if their patient was so adamant at refusing treatment?
Her heart was pounding.
Amanda wasn’t inexperienced by no means. Her eyes briefly flicked to her degree-studded office. She earned her position through hard work and lots of training. She wasn’t hopeless with this case, and Reiner Braun wasn’t hopeless either. Like all of the patients that came before him, Amanda would do her best to support him and work with him until he was ready to be discharged. Right now, as he was, Reiner was so lost in his own misery that he-
Snap!
The sound of her pencil tip broke into several lead pieces against the paper, the word she was writing ending in a scribble. Amanda froze, breath stopping in her throat. She looked down at the words she was writing and realized that most of the words barely resembled scrawl at this point. Her thoughts had run away from her again in an attempt to start forming a treatment plan for Reiner. She had to take a breath before she began again. Leaning back against her chair, she inhaled and exhaled slowly, focusing on her breaths. A minute passed. Amanda discarded her broken pencil and paper, picking up a fresh one and beginning anew.