Work Text:
CHARACTERS:
MARTYN (he/him): Single for a year. Master of humiliating himself in the subtlest ways.
PEARL (she/her): Single for a year. Loner with a piercing intensity. Master of buried sentimentality.
CLEO (they/she): Single for a year. Headstrong and confident. Master of a waning desire for company.
SCOTT (he/him): Single for a year. Master of stirring the pot and playing it cool.
GRIAN (he/him): Master of being late to parties.
PLAYWRIGHT’S NOTES:
[note that double slashes (//) indicate overlapping dialogue. A line break in the middle of a line might (but doesn’t necessarily) represent a smaller pause, or mini-beat.]
[Lights up on CLEO’S doorstep. There are a few measly balloons hung by the door in various red hues. The hedges are a little overgrown, and the paint is a little faded.]
[MARTYN LITTLEWOOD enters. He carries a hastily wrapped present that is almost as big as his head. Stumbling almost comedically, he pulls his phone from his pocket and checks it while attempting a balancing act with the present.]
[PEARL MOON enters. She hurries to Martyn’s side, meeting him smack on the doorstep.]
PEARL:
Mart//yn
MARTYN:
Ah!
There you are, I’ve been here like twenty minutes!
PEARL:
You just got out of your car.
MARTYN:
Wh–what if I was in the car for fifteen minutes?
PEARL:
If you insist.
[She adjusts the present a bit, causing him to struggle with the balancing act a bit less.]
PEARL [CONTD.]:
There.
MARTYN:
Thanks.
[It’s an almost sentimental, emotional moment. The vibe that this is the first time in a while either of these people have felt this sort of connection.]
[It is broken:]
MARTYN:
NOW LET’S GO SHOW THEM WHO’S BOSS!
[He leans on the doorbell, almost obnoxiously.]
PEARL:
Martyn…
CLEO [V.O.]:
Coming, I’m coming!
[CLEO ZOMBIE opens the door. They’re done up for the party, in a semi-formal jacket and mesh top. Martyn is a little taken aback.]
CLEO:
(Slightly exhausted)
Hi.
MARTYN:
(A shit-eating grin)
Party prep?
CLEO:
Who’s this?
[Pearl nudges Martyn aside, causing him to almost drop the present, and sticks out her hand for Cleo to shake.]
PEARL:
I’m Pearl. I’m….
[She pulls her hand away.]
PEARL [CONTD.]:
With this one.
[beat.]
CLEO:
I see.
Well, come on, don’t stand out on the doorstep all day.
You look like you’re about to collapse.
MARTYN:
Am not–!
You’re just jealous.
[Cleo scoffs.]
MARTYN:
Of my great gift!
It’s going to be exactly what he wanted.
CLEO:
(Entering the house)
It’s probably going to be another terrible card game.
MARTYN:
(Exasperated, following)
Cleo–!
[Pearl sighs and follows them both inside. The stage reveals the entranceway to Cleo’s house.]
CLEO:
You can put that on the table with the rest of the gifts.
[They make a little ‘shoo-shoo’ motion, and Martyn exits, grabbing Pearl’s arm and tugging her deeper into the house with him. Pearl gives Cleo a sheepish wave.]
[SCOTT SMAJOR enters, wearing a jacket and top that are perfectly color-coordinated with Cleo’s.]
SCOTT:
Wow.
CLEO:
I wasn’t expecting him to bring anyone!
SCOTT:
(Teasing)
‘The more the merrier’?
CLEO:
I said that because I wanted to bring you.
You took your time getting here.
SCOTT:
I was picking up the candles. What’s their excuse?
CLEO:
He was probably practicing one-liners in the mirror.
[Scott barks out a laugh.]
MARTYN [V.O.]:
I heard that!
Is Grian here yet?
CLEO:
It’s a surprise party.
MARTYN
(Re-entering):
Touche.
So…
SCOTT:
I’m Scott.
MARTYN:
Martyn.
[beat. It is almost the sheer opposite of the quiet moment Martyn shared with Pearl earlier. The tension is thick and awkward.]
MARTYN [CONTD.]:
Are you two, like–
CLEO: SCOTT:
No! Nope.
MARTYN:
Understood.
You’re pretty uh, matchy-matchy.
CLEO:
It’s not every day your best friend turns 30.
MARTYN:
Your best friend?
CLEO:
I don’t see you hosting the party.
MARTYN:
With all 540 of my square feet?
PEARL [V.O.]:
You guys…
(Entering)
Are we going to keep this up all night?
SCOTT:
Pearl?--
PEARL:
Scott?
[beat.]
MARTYN:
…Martyn!
CLEO:
Martyn.
MARTYN:
You know you love me.
[They pull him aside, cornering him. Lights down on Scott and Pearl.]
MARTYN:
We’re gonna leave those two alone?
CLEO:
I trust Scott with my life. Can’t say the same for you.
MARTYN:
Cleo, it’s been a year.
[beat.]
MARTYN [CONTD.]:
How are you?
CLEO:
Martyn–
MARTYN:
Like, really?
[beat.]
CLEO:
We should get the rest of the house set up.
[The lights shift, darkening on Martyn and Cleo, and rising on Scott and Pearl.]
SCOTT:
So how do you know Grian?
PEARL:
Martyn invited me.
SCOTT:
Mmm.
PEARL:
I’m his plus one.
Martyn and Grian go way back, apparently. Said he would’ve hosted if he had a bigger apartment.
SCOTT:
Cleo’s place is fine.
[beat.]
PEARL:
How do you know Grian?
SCOTT:
…I was…
Also invited. Cleo // invited me, in–
PEARL:
Got it.
You seem to really like her.
SCOTT:
We get on.
They’re, um–
[beat.]
SCOTT [CONTD.]: PEARL:
Pretty awesome Normal.
SCOTT:
Oh my god, that’s not what I was going to say.
PEARL:
If you insist.
Did you get Grian anything? I was told so last minute, I uh–
SCOTT:
Looks like Martyn more than made up for it. What’s in there, a fridge?
PEARL:
He won’t even tell me. Just keeps saying it’s ‘amazing’.
SCOTT:
You don’t believe him?
PEARL:
Cleo certainly doesn’t.
SCOTT:
Well then, I don’t either.
PEARL:
Thick as thieves, the lot of you.
SCOTT:
Well, what about you and Martyn? You certainly seemed buddy-buddy.
PEARL:
(She chuckles)
Oh, you know me, Scott.
SCOTT:
Do I?
[The lights come fully up as Martyn and Cleo re-enter.]
MARTYN:
And that’s how I got out of jury duty.
CLEO:
Fascinating.
MARTYN:
I know, right? Who knew that just because Bdubs was the defendant–
CLEO:
…is what I said the first time I heard the story, Martyn.
MARTYN:
Where is Grian? We decorated the kitchen like, three times and he’s still not here!
SCOTT:
Fashionably late?
CLEO:
…As usual?
At least it’s his party.
PEARL:
You decorated the kitchen three times?
MARTYN:
You two seemed // busy
CLEO:
Martyn’s got butterfingers.
MARTYN:
Cleo’s a control freak!
CLEO:
It is not that hard to use a bit of duct tape.
MARTYN:
Oh, I can think of a better use for that duct // tape
SCOTT:
Alright, // alright
PEARL:
Break it up, you two.
[Pearl pushes Martyn aside. She shoo-shoos him with enough laughter and stumbling that she ends up tripping, and he catches her in an almost-sort-of-dip. He is very nonchalant about this--until he realizes Cleo is looking. ]
MARTYN:
Hey Pearl, you remember that dance we used to do back in--
PEARL:
You big fat liar! You big fat two-left-footed liar.
[Pearl pushes Martyn away.]
SCOTT:
No, no, now you’ve got me curious. What dance is this?
CLEO:
Oh, I remember.
[They fidget with their phone for a few moments before ‘Low’ by Flo Rida comes playing over the little speaker by the stairway. Martyn proceeds to break into maybe the most embarrassing rendition of the Apple Bottom Jeans dance known to mankind. Cleo is thoroughly humiliated.]
SCOTT:
You used to do this dance?
CLEO:
Don’t remind me.
MARTYN:
Come on Cleo, get low low low // low low
PEARL:
Ohhhhh my god.
MARTYN:
You lot are no fun!
CLEO:
You really showed up here to embarrass yourself like that?
MARTYN:
You’re one to talk, you and your new boyfriend in matching // jumpsuits
CLEO:
You’ve got some nerve, I already // told you
MARTYN:
You brought him to make me jealous!
CLEO:
(Gesturing to Pearl)
Oh, you’re one to talk.
PEARL:
Hey, I came because I // felt like it
CLEO:
This is between me and Martyn.
MARTYN:
We had the same idea, sue me. Really, you flatter me, copying me like you always do--
CLEO:
Asshole!
SCOTT:
Cleo-
CLEO:
Stay out of this, Scott.
MARTYN:
You’re jealous! You’ve always been jealous--
CLEO:
Jealous of your inability to get a taste in music?
MARTYN:
Suit yourself!
[He throws his hands in the air. The speaker goes flying. That wasn’t on purpose. But it still falls apart when it clatters against the wall.]
[beat.]
CLEO:
You’re paying for that.
MARTYN:
And that’s another thing!--
[Martyn really sets off. Cleo gets in his face too. Ad-Lib until Scott and Pearl have no choice but to try and break it up. The words are incomprehensible but the tension clearly isn’t. Right when it hits breaking point--]
[A throat clears. Everyone stops and turns towards the previously ignored front door.]
GRIAN:
(Weakly)
Am I late?
[lights down.]
[Lights up on Cleo’s kitchen. MARTYN, CLEO, SCOTT, PEARL, and GRIAN stand around the kitchen table. The candles on the cake are lit, and everyone is singing.]
MARTYN, PEARL, CLEO, SCOTT:
….Happy Birthday dear Grian,
Happy birthday to you!
[beat.]
[GRIAN blows out the candles and everyone cheers.]
GRIAN:
Alright, glad we could get that cleared up.
As much as I want Martyn to see me open whatever is in that box--
SCOTT:
What? No, we’ve gotta watch!
MARTYN:
Besides, we haven’t played the game yet!
[Everyone groans.]
CLEO:
Martyn, we are not playing the game.
MARTYN:
The game is so fun. You used to love the game.
CLEO:
Emphasis on used to.
GRIAN:
…Sorry, game?
MARTYN:
We play Never Have I Ever.
GRIAN:
Oh-ho! I’m in.
MARTYN:
Got ‘em! Five fingers up, everyone.
CLEO:
I can’t believe you.
[Martyn and Grian both hold up a hand each, a bit expectantly and a bit mischievously. Pearl is the next to do so. Scott reluctantly takes the cue from her, and finally, Cleo. beat. Everyone scrambles to take a seat at the table.]
GRIAN:
Who’s first?
SCOTT:
You’re the birthday boy.
GRIAN:
Okay, okay.
Never have I ever….gosh, I don’t know.
(Looking around the room; he spots the broken speaker)
Sang karaoke in public.
SCOTT:
What an opener.
[Martyn and Cleo share a sideways glance, and suddenly, a discreet laugh.]
SCOTT:
….What?
MARTYN:
You’d be shocked to learn how we met.
GRIAN:
(Sing-song)
I wouldn’t!
[Martyn, Scott, and Cleo lower a finger each.]
PEARL:
That’s a story I’ll have to hear.
CLEO:
(Holding back a laugh)
Later.
(Looking towards Grian to their left)
I guess I’m next? Never have I ever…
[beat.]
CLEO [CONTD.]:
Drunk-dialed my ex.
MARTYN:
Targeted!
CLEO:
Put down your finger, Martyn.
MARTYN:
That’s cheating!
(Stammering)
That’s not--I--well, you…
[Still stammering, he puts a finger down. He looks around the circle and almost misses that Pearl does the same.]
MARTYN:
Woah, hold // on
SCOTT:
My turn!
(Confidently)
Never have I ever broken up with someone.
[Silence falls around the table. It takes a good ten seconds and a lot of sideways glances for Pearl and Martyn to lower one finger each.]
CLEO:
You’re losing.
MARTYN:
(Blurting it out)
Never have I ever invited someone to a party just to make someone else jealous!
[beat.]
SCOTT: PEARL:
Dude. Now that’s just sabotage.
MARTYN:
Okay, maybe I didn’t think that one through.
PEARL:
You’re almost out of the game!
MARTYN:
Yes, because you haven’t gone yet! Do something, Pearl!
PEARL:
Never have I ever been in love with my Shakespearean Larping partner.
MARTYN:
You are the worst. You all are the worst!
Playing to win, or did you all just want to see me lose?
[beat. It’s tense but sort of in the comedic way. Grian is the first to start laughing, and it’s infectious. Soon even Martyn is laughing.]
PEARL:
Karaoke! The karaoke story!
CLEO:
Oh goodness. Well…
MARTYN:
It wasn’t just karaoke.
SCOTT:
Oh?
CLEO:
Barside karaoke.
MARTYN:
Drunk karaoke!
CLEO:
(Mumbling)
Wasted karaoke.
PEARL:
That’s how you two met?
CLEO:
If you can even believe it.
SCOTT:
What were you singing?
[beat. Cleo and Martyn clearly do not want to share this answer.]
GRIAN:
Let’s just say, Cleo got low, low, // low
CLEO: MARTYN:
Grian!! Stop, stop!
[The room erupts into laughter.]
PEARL:
What do you say, Grian? Decent to turn 30 with this lot?
GRIAN:
I’ll be the judge of that after I open the box.
MARTYN:
Oh, believe me, your expectations will be met.
GRIAN:
Is it a card game?
MARTYN:
I--wh--no // telling!
PEARL:
With the size of that box?
MARTYN:
It was the only one they--no telling, no telling!
PEARL:
Shall we go look and see?
SCOTT:
The suspense is killing me!
[Scott, Pearl, and Grian don’t hesitate to jump up and run into the next room. Martyn takes a thoroughly humiliated moment, head in hands. Cleo watches him, their smug smile turning a bit more fond.]
CLEO:
Hey.
MARTYN:
Don’t rub it in.
CLEO:
I missed having you around.
Asshole.
MARTYN:
Touche.
[Cleo nudges Martyn’s shoulder, and he pulls his hands away from his face. They offer him a hand, and he takes it, standing up and stretching.]
CLEO:
Scott and Pearl got on okay.
MARTYN:
Lucky us.
[beat.]
MARTYN [CONTD.]:
The new game of extreme Uno might change that.
CLEO:
Extreme Uno? Seriously, Martyn?
[Ad-lib and stuttering as Martyn fiercely defends his position, and Cleo rags into him sufficiently. The words matter less than the jabs (physical or verbal) and bickering.]
PEARL (V.O.):
Are you two coming?
MARTYN:
Race ‘ya!
[He dashes into the next room. beat. Cleo sighs, turns off the light, and exits the kitchen.]
[end.]