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Ianto had been acting weird. Lisa is dead, as is a random child predator, Jack's secure archive had been broken into, a piece of alien tech was missing, and Ianto had been acting weird.
With all of Torchwood's tech it wasn't difficult for Jack to track down Ianto. It was almost 1am and Jack was the only one left in the hub. The last Jack had seen of Ianto was a few hours ago, when Ianto had told him he was using the SUV for an errand. Since then, the others had gone home and Jack had discovered the break-in. Ianto had not returned from whatever mission he'd taken upon himself, and the tracker on the SUV showed it had been stationary for the past hour, with Ianto’s phone tracker showing him only a few feet away. Jack watched as the two red spots blinked in position. Ianto had definitely been acting weird.
Jack doubted any of the others had noticed the change in Ianto's behaviour, it wasn't even something Jack had been aware of until now. But as he thought about it, Ianto was quieter, less dry sarcastic charm, less wry comments. For the first few months of his reinstation after the whole cyber-woman incident, Ianto had gone out of his way to try to earn forgiveness and fit in at the same time. He was more involved with missions while working harder to please the team. It didn't escape Jack's attention that, even as Ianto supplied them with pastries and takeaways, his own suits were appearing looser, accentuating the hanging bags under his eyes.
Jack had checked his secure archive before heading to bed, and his thoughts had switched quickly to Ianto as he realised one half of the quantum transducer was no longer in its rightful place. The half which caused past flashbacks had been taken, and Ianto had taken the SUV to the far corner of a car park on a strange industrial estate of a small town outside Cardiff. After 10 minutes, Jack grabbed Ianto's own car keys off his desk and went to his coordinates.
It was cold and windy, and absolutely desolate when Jack pulled in opposite the SUV. He couldn't see Ianto, but as he stepped out of the car, a noise travelled through the wind, a breathless yet muffled sob. He saw the man sitting bundled on the ground, knees curled defensively into his body as one hand gripped tight in his hair, the other holding the stolen object.
Jack cleared his throat as he approached but there was no sign Ianto had heard him. Jack knelt in front of him, placing a hand on his knee, but Ianto still made no movement, his gasps still carrying in the wind.
“Ianto?” Jack's voice was soft.
“I couldn't remember him,” Ianto's words were barely audible through his laboured breathing. “All these years. And I still remember it… I just never remembered him. I needed to know.”
Jack didn't know what this was, but he suspected it was beyond his scope. He cared for Ianto, deeply, as he did all of his team, but Ianto was different. He was so young, so vulnerable, he had lost so much and gained so little and wore it all so blatantly. He gazed up at Jack with such open eyes, red and shining with tears, and Jack knew, it didn't matter what this was, he'd do whatever it takes to put a smile back on Ianto's face.
“Who, Ianto?”
There was no verbal response but Ianto raised his hand, the one holding the quantum transducer. Whatever this was, Ianto wanted him to see it, to relive it, the way Ianto had presumably been doing for the 90 minutes the SUV had been parked. Jack was cautious to do so, whatever horrific thing had happened wasn't something Jack necessarily wanted to even hear about, never mind feel. But Ianto didn't talk a lot, not about what he was going through, and Jack had encouraged him to reach out after the Lisa incident, to not keep secrets, to make himself known, and this was Ianto doing that. He gave Ianto's fingers a squeeze as he took the device from him and pressed the button.
It was just as windy, just as miserable and desolate but it was daylight. Ianto and the SUV had disappeared from in front of him, and although Jack knew what was happening he was still confused, so confused and hurt. He could hear a noise from behind him and turned to see a single car.
The car was rocking steadily. The squeak of its bulk moving against the rubber tires. Jack couldn't see much through the window and he was grateful for it. He could see the man moving, positioned sideways on the driver's seat. He could feel the slight pain, like a bruising in his core, and felt the movement between his legs. He could feel his heart pounding, the barely smothered fear, and the confusion. He didn't understand what was happening to him, he knew what it was but it felt wrong, it felt like it was his fault. He just wanted it to be over.
Jack closed his eyes and suddenly new air hit his lungs and face. It was over. There was darkness behind his eyelids and Ianto's breathing coming louder than the wind. Jack's emotions were his own again but Ianto's lingered so heavily inside him, bundled in a knot below his heart.
“We should get out of here.” Jack was trying to stay calm, keep his own breathing under control. Ianto's gaze drifted from Jack's eyes to his lips and back again, as if he was confused by Jack's words. The knot was growing bigger, pressing on Jack's heart, infecting his blood. He was dizzy with it. The pain of a small boy. He'd felt it but it wasn't his, it was Ianto's. It was real, captured in the alien device still resting in Jack's palm, Ianto's fingers curled around his wrist. He had to stay calm.
”It’s over Ianto, I’m gonna get you out of here.” Jack’s mind had something to focus on, the most bare-bones plan to put into action but it worked as he dragged Ianto to standing and led him to the passenger seat of the SUV, pushing away all the echoes which pushed in his mind. A sick sense of deja vu manifesting as bile in his throat. The blood thrummed in his temples, reminding him, once again, that this phantom feeling was a real memory. God only knew how Ianto was feeling right now.
Ianto’s own car was left behind as they sped away but Jack would deal with that later. He could barely glance across at Ianto but the younger man had made no movement or sound, his sobs seeming to have stopped for now. His gaze was vacant and Jack thought of the weight of his actions, the harm he was causing due to his need to act, his desire to get Ianto away from that horrible place and that horrible memory.
The whole journey back to the hub was quiet, Jack’s breaths coming heavier than Ianto’s as the young man simply stared. It wasn’t long before they were pulling into the hub’s car park, Jack jumping out and heading for the lift before the car had barely stopped. Ianto was next to him by the time the lift arrived and Jack was relieved he had at least that much awareness. As they stepped out though, Jack realised he hadn’t exactly thought where in the hub Ianto would be most comfortable, he was just so desperate to get them away from cars and car parks.
Ianto seemed to fall into some kind of familiarity as he approached the kettle and filled it, turning it on and procuring two mugs. Jack leant against the railing and watched, removing his coat yet clasping it tight to his body. He needed something to hold on to.
The minutes ticked by, kettle boiled, mugs filled, tea bags thrown away, and still Ianto didn’t turn, neither of them saying a word. Jack was terrified to open his mouth.
“I saw the police CCTV footage…” Ianto’s voice was hoarse as he moved Jack's blue and white mug to the end of the desk, an invitation to approach while keeping his back turned. Jack slowly moved toward him. “… and the crime scene photos.”
The peadophile, Mark Goodson. Jack had read the whole police file feeling slightly queasy, ‘I’ve been in trouble before’, ‘little girls and their little bodies’. Jack was glad they were investigating a corpse.
“You didn’t remember him?” Jack’s question seemed to fall on deaf ears, Ianto staring into his tea.
”He offered me a lift home.” There was no emotion in Ianto’s voice and Jack wanted to beg him to stop talking. He’d heard enough, seen enough, felt enough. For those few brief seconds he had held the weight of the whole thing in his hands, in himself. But it wasn’t his. It was Ianto’s. It lived inside him.
“I thought…” Ianto paused to clear his throat but his voice still came out broken. “I thought I did something wrong.”
Jack wanted to run.
“You didn’t.” He was firm with this at least, he could be confident about one thing.
“I guess…” Ianto shifted, becoming restless suddenly and turning shyly towards Jack. “I was… different… back then.” He took a gulp of his tea and avoided Jack’s gaze again.
Jack knew what Ianto was talking about, although it seemed Ianto didn’t know if Jack knew. Jack had sometimes wondered if Ianto knew he knew, then would admonish himself for even thinking about it, before thinking about it in an entirely different way and wondering if Ianto would ever give Jack the opportunity to prove just how okay with it Jack was, and just how far Jack would go to show Ianto how much of a man he knows he is.
But now? Jack was frozen, unable to provide any articulation of comfort or compassion. All he could do was stand and watch him squirm, now begging him to keep talking and let Jack off the hook.
“Sometimes, I think… maybe he caused it.” Ianto’s whisper was so close to tears again,
“It doesn’t matter.” Jack placed a hand on his shoulder and was relieved that Ianto leaned into it. “The man you are now…” Jack was stumbling in the dark. “You never deserved this.”
Ianto shrugged but Jack rubbed his shoulders harder, guiding him and providing the opportunity to rest his head on Jack’s chest. Ianto took it, his body weak as he partially collapsed into Jack. This, Jack could do. He wrapped his arms tight around him, swaying them slightly and holding the back of Ianto’s neck tenderly. They both needed this, some of the dread and adrenaline was starting to fade from Jack’s body but those feelings he’d shared for only a few moments were still swimming in his blood stream.
”I shouldn’t’ve done that to you.” Ianto’s words were so ridiculous it took Jack a moment to process them and pull away from to hug to see Ianto’s face.
“You… huh?” Jack was at a complete loss as to a single thing Ianto had done to him that evening.
“I shouldn’t’ve given you the device, you shouldn’t have seen that.” Ianto’s breathing was getting quicker, the panic clear in his eyes.
“Ianto it's okay.” Jack's voice was calm, keeping a light but firm grip on Ianto’s arms, trying to intercept the panic before it could take over. “It doesn’t matter, none of that matters, you’re what matters right now.” Stumbling in the dark again.
”You shouldn’t’ve seen that.” It was whisper quiet, like it hurt Ianto to even say it.
“It shouldn’t’ve happened.” Jack needed Ianto to believe him.
”It wouldn’t’ve if I’d been normal.” Ianto said it so quickly, so nonchalant, his face open and vulnerable and so so young. The knot on Jack’s heart had travelled to his throat, lodged itself there, was sending out weapons which burned like fire in his blood and stung his eyes from behind. The police report. Little girls.
This close to him, Jack could see details of Ianto like he rarely had before. The five o’clock shadow darkening his jawline and upper lip, the thick, well maintained eyebrows, the curve of his full eyelashes, the defined prominence of his cheekbones.
“I’d take it from you… if I could.” Jack was being less than helpful but he couldn’t think of anything else to say. Ianto may regret letting Jack take the device, and those few seconds, that brief insight, was almost too much for Jack to handle. But he would, for Ianto. He’d take that and a whole lot more besides.
Ianto was closing off again, turning away from Jack and back towards his tea.
”You could stay here tonight…” If he was stumbling in the dark then he might as well give it his all. “If you want… you could… stay with me… if you want.” Jack registered just how weird this all was, how very very bad it was to suddenly and almost explicitly proposition a subordinate immediately after discovering said employee was a victim to a horrendous sexual assault.
”Yeah, sure. Thanks.” Ianto’s monotone response was chilling but before Jack had a chance to second guess it all the man was walking away from him up to Jack’s office, half-finished tea still in hand.
Jack followed at a slower pace and descended the ladder to find Ianto perched on the edge of his bed, still staring into his tea.
“Can I borrow some clothes?”
”Sure.” Jack started digging in his draws, finding two sets of joggers and T-shirts, handing the softest of them to Ianto who had just finished his tea.
“Thanks.” Ianto stepped into the bathroom and closed the door behind him, Jack quickly changed into his own sleep clothes before rushing to tidy the room a little. He picked up the few socks which had missed the wash basket, shook down the bed clothes and moved the lube from the nightstand to the draw. He got two water bottles out of the mini-fridge in the corner of the room and placed one on each nightstand, waiting for Ianto to return and choose how he’d be most comfortable in bed.
He heard the toilet flush and the lock click before Ianto walked out, the large T-shirt tucked fully into the tied sweatpants hanging low on his hips. He slid easily between the thin sheets and settled on the far side of the bed facing in, throwing the sheet back to invite Jack in. Jack’s heart was still pounding uncomfortably as he too laid down, facing Ianto but leaving some distance between them.
Jack closed his eyes for a moment and felt the wind on his face, saw Ianto’s curled form, heard the squeak of the bouncing car, felt the bile rising in his throat and knew it was laced with shame and confusion and a hurt that would never go away. He opened his eyes and there was Ianto, inches away from him, eyes glistening with tears. He looked like he was pleading for something he couldn’t verbalise, something which shone brighter in his eyes than any reaction Jack had seen all night. There was only one thing Jack could give him, regardless of what it was he was pleading for, so he shuffled forwards a few inches and opened his arms, giving Ianto the opportunity to fill the space.
And he did. Ianto slotted himself into Jack’s body, head resting on his chest as they pressed together, Ianto’s hands gripping tight to Jack’s shirt as Jack soothed his hands over Ianto’s back in firm, repetitive motions. Ianto let out a shuddering breath and he burrowed closer. Jack could feel the shape of him, the other man’s curves pressed to every inch of his body.
“You didn’t deserve that, Ianto,” Jack spoke quietly but he knew the reverberations of his voice would travel through his chest into Ianto’s body. “But it's over now. He’s dead. You’re not alone.” Jack dropped a kiss to Ianto’s hair. “You were just a child.” He tried so hard to keep his voice from breaking as Ianto clutched him harder. “The man you are now… well, now you know. And I’m gonna help you. Whatever you need.”
Ianto’s breathing was the steadiest it’d been all night, his face buried in Jack’s neck, his lax body now wiggling softly in a self soothing motion. Jack was slightly worried about having an unfortunate physical reaction to the closeness, the movements and the pressure, the intimacy of the moment finally loosening some of the tension in his own body. He decided he wouldn’t sleep, he didn’t want to risk it. He would give Ianto whatever he required or desired, would take it, whatever he could and as much as he could. He’d felt it. What had happened in that car park, years ago, what Ianto had lived. And he couldn’t take it away from him, as much as he wanted to. But now he knew. And Ianto knew. And Jack would do what he could, starting with a night of keeping him safe.
Ianto’s body was still, his breathing steady as it fanned against the collar of Jack’s T-shirt. Jack would do what he could, what Ianto would let him. Jack only hoped it would be enough.