Work Text:
I'm so mediocre, I'm a loser, I'm a joker
I should quit and be a broker
Who am I tryna kid?
I'm so mediocre, I don't measure up to no one
I'm not perfect, I'm a screw up
Who could love me like this?
- Ugly Crier by McKenna Grace
Cass tilted her head to the side as she watched her girlfriend storm into the Batcave. Stephanie was barely concealing the shake to her shoulders, the way they seemed to curl inward, she walked past Cass without a word, her hands clenching and unclenching at her sides as she stormed into the showers.
Cass looked over at her brother, her eyebrows arched in surprise. She had been off patrol for the night, needing to rest before her upcoming ballet recital and was only even in the Batcave at four in the morning to bring her girlfriend home with her. As much as she needed the rest, she struggled to sleep without her girlfriend wrapped in her arms.
“What happened?” She asked, brown eyes cutting back towards the showers. Tim let out a hum as he fell onto the ratty couch beside her.
“There was a fire,” he said quietly. “We were all trying to clear the apartment as fast as we could, there was a little girl. No one knew she was squatting in one of the abandoned apartments.”
Cass’ heart fell to her stomach. Oh, don’t tell her, Tim.
“Steph was the one who found her but she had been too late.” Tim shook his head, running fingers through his hair. “I don’t even know why she checked that apartment, I mean, I’m glad she did so we could take care of the body. But O had given us blueprints with every apartment that had people living in it for us to check.”
“She just had a feeling,” Cass said quietly, looking back at the showers. “I need to go check on her.”
“Probably for the best,” Tim said with a small smile. “Remind her that it isn’t her fault.”
Cass nodded and kissed her brother’s cheek before walking towards the showers. She wrapped her cardigan tight around herself as she stepped into women’s locker room and made her way to the only shower turned on.
“Steph? Love?” Cass called.
“Go away,” Steph said, her voice dull and tight. She was crying. Cass chewed on her bottom lip and ignored the request as she pulled off her cardigan, undressing slowly and quietly.
Cassandra Cain was not good with words.
She could speak, yes, but to find the words to situations that others were going through—she wasn’t the best. She never found the right words to say, never knew how to be comforting, never knew how to string words together in a way that provided comfort.
But she could comfort Stephanie. She could hold her and let her fall apart as she held her up. Once she was undressed, she kicked her clothes next to the pile her girlfriend had thrown on the ground haphazardly.
“I said go away,” Steph said as soon as Cass stepped into the shower, her eyes red rimmed, her nose stopped up. Her words said one thing, but her body said a different as she immediately slumped into Cass’ waiting arms, resting her head on the older woman’s shoulder.
The water was at its hottest setting, burning their skin. Cass leaned around Stephanie and lowered the temperature just a bit.
“I know,” she said simply, running her fingers up and down Stephanie’s back. “I’m not a good listener.”
“It’s because you’re Bruce Wayne’s kid,” Steph muttered.
“Do you want to tell me how you’re feeling?” Cass asked, pushing wet, blond hair out of her face.
Steph said nothing for a moment, a sob escaping her mouth instead as she leaned into Cass. But Cassandra Cain was strong, she was a mountain against a tornado, she had steady hands, and a heart that loved more than most people realized. She would be here to hold her girlfriend through anything and everything. She would love her through it all.
“I suck at this, Cass. I can’t do this,” she whispered, fingers digging into Cass’ sides, forehead pressed against her shoulder as sobs wracked through her body. “I can’t keep acting like this job is easy, I can’t go into these situations and just—just act like everything’s okay. Jason’s tryin’ to find her family because I was too coward. I couldn’t stay and—”
“Hey, hey,” Cass said quietly. “I need you to take a breath for me, okay? Take a few breaths Love.”
Steph choked as she breathed in and out, squeezing Cass’ waist tight, nails biting into her skin but she ignored it. She focused on her girlfriend, on the sobs that filled the locker rooms.
“How do we keep doing this? Why am I always too late? How the hell am I ever going to measure up?”
“Who are you trying to measure yourself to?” Cass asked her quietly.
“Everyone,” Steph cried. “Bruce, Tim, Barbara—you. How do you do this? How do you go into a burning building and see a dead body and act like everything is going to be okay? How is everything going to be okay? She was all alone, she was alone and—”
Cass didn’t know what to say. How the hell did she tell her girlfriend that there was no reason to measure.
“I cry,” Cass told her softly. “I’m not okay. I’m never okay.”
“But—”
“But our job is hard. We’re allowed to break, but I will hold you,” Cass said. “We hold each other Love.”
Steph squeezed her tight. “She was so small, Cass. She was so small and she looked so scared and she was alone.”
“I know, Love, I know,” Cass whispered, closing her eyes as she held Steph close to her chest. “But you found her. You found her.”
Cass held her love tight, pressed a soft kiss to Stephanie’s temple and let the hot water beat down on them. Their jobs were hard, they were so hard. But if they didn’t do them, who would?
“Sometimes, I just want to quit,” Cass told her once they were in the safety of their bed, home in their apartment, blanket wrapped around them like a barrier.
“I do too,” Steph whispered. “I feel so mediocre, there are so many others who do this better than me.”
“Stop,” Cass told her, pressing her forehead to Steph’s, eyes fluttered closed. “Stop being mean. You’re good, you’re so good.”
“You think so?” Stephanie asked quietly, her leg was tucked between the two of Cassandra’s legs, her arm resting on Cass’ side. They were as intertwined as they could be, holding each other close and Cass was doing everything she could to find the words. To get Stephanie to see what she saw.
Steph was not mediocre, she was no screw up. There was no reason to compare herself to others. She was strong, stronger than anyone Cass had ever met. She was brave and she was kind. It was so hard to be kind in this sort of work, it was so hard to smile when things were so hard. The world was horrible, but Stephanie Brown did not waver, she was there, strong and beautiful, kind and loving. She was a hero in her own right, she didn’t need to compare herself, not to Bruce, or Tim, not to Barbara or Cass.
She was her own kind of hero and that was even better.
“I know so,” Cass told her, pressing a soft kiss to Stephanie’s lips. “I see it. I see you.”
Steph sniffed loudly. “I love you.”
“I know, I’m wonderful,” Cass said with a soft laugh and held her close. “I love you too.”
Stephanie somehow managed to move closer to her, pressing her entire body to hers. Cass held her tight. She would always hold her. She would always be there, to hold her and love her.
“Sorry I’m such an ugly crier,” Steph told her quietly, ruining the calm, quiet moment that had wrapped around them. Cass threw her head back and let out a loud laugh as she held her girlfriend tight.