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Jean-Luc Picard was right where he had longed to be for so many years: Sitting on the sofa in his quarters, steaming Earl Grey tea on the table in front of him, a pile of his favourite books right next to it, and snogging Beverly Crusher.
What had started as a casual evening of talking about their new relationship dynamic over tea quickly developed, over a few shy kisses, into passionate kissing for he knows how long. Thinking back, he couldn't remember the last time he had kissed someone for that long.
It was all he had dreamed of for so long. One hand in her hair, massaging her scalp, while the other rested on her hip.
Picard's kisses had started slow and careful. Savouring each second that their lips touched, trying to express all the love that he had accumulated for her over the years. He caressed her face and ran his hand through her hair, finally touching what he had admired from afar for so long. Even tho his eyes were closed, he saw her beauty through his hands. The way the skin on her face felt soft and warm under his touch and how her hair was coarse from styling and got tangled around his fingers.
She matched his pace in the beginning. Deepening the kiss and holding onto his lips just as long. When she began massaging his scalp with her nails, he melted into the kiss. Losing track for just a second to let out a soft sigh. Beverly smiled against his lips.
He relaxed under her touch. When she began running her other hand up and down his spine, all his worries and thoughts about work drifted far away. It was perfect. He could have stayed like this forever. Sitting on his couch, in his quarters that smelled like his favourite tea, kissing the woman he loves.
After a while, Beverly picked up the pace. Kissing him more passionately, her hands drifted from his scalp and started roaming his body. The spot on his head where her hand had rested before felt cold as he missed the sensation of her nails softly scratching his scalp and there was a hunger in the way Beverly kissed him that filled him with a certain anxiety.
Nonetheless, he indulged in it, matching her pace and adding more force and a bit more sloppiness to his own kiss. He'd even say he had enjoyed it, until Beverly's hand slid into his trousers.
Picard froze.
Beverly immediately pulled away from the kiss and looked at him, confused. "Jean-Luc, what's wrong?". Her hand rested on his hip bone, still in his trousers.
"Beverly..." he began.
Oh, how he hated this right now. He had hoped that this subject wouldn't come up for a while, had hoped that they could enjoy the time together before he had to have this talk with her. The talk that might end it all. But possibly having to end this relationship before it had really begun felt unfair.
Picard knew that they were not compatible in that aspect. Like most humans, Beverly was quite open with her sexuality and acknowledged that this was naturally an important part of her life. Knowing that was one of the reasons he had always hesitated to tell her about his feelings for her.
And now he had to tell her, the woman he loved so much, that he could never give her what she wanted. That if she were to begin a relationship with him, he could never meet her needs fully. He often wondered if she had imagined sleeping with him, just as he had often imagined what it would be like to kiss her.
Had she longed to see him naked all those years? Had she been excited because she thought it would finally, finally happen today? He had felt all that about kissing her tonight. His dream came true, hers could never. Even tho logically he knew he shouldn't, Picard couldn't help but feel guilty.
"Beverly..." he began again, pulling her hand out of his trousers and clasping it between his. "I suppose we have never really talked about it, but..." his eyes wandered around the room, as if some piece of furniture could show him the words he couldn't find himself.
He who was always so good with words. He who could give spontaneous speeches about morality and human nature in front of admirals and enemies, he who never ran out of advice for the people he cared about, couldn't find the words to tell an old friend, whom he loved so deeply, simply who he was.
Picard took a deep breath, still unable to meet the eyes of the woman in front of him. "Beverly," he began for the third time, which made her chuckle. "you are a doctor"
"yes, that's correct"
"Right. So...you are very well acquainted with matters regarding human sexuality," Picard continued. There were few times wherehe had wished for a red alarm more than now. (Usually when Lwaxana Troy was visiting)
"I'd say so", the doctor looked at him confused.
"not only with human sexuality but also with the lack of this exact concept", Picard held onto Beverly's hands more tightly to stop his own from shaking
"Oh", she answered.
"Beverly, I am asexual. I don't want to engage in any kind of sex. If we continue this, which I would very much like, you have to accept that we will never sleep with each other. I know sex has been a vital part of your previous relationships, but it can't be with me. I love you, I really do, and it pains me greatly that we are so incompatible in this, but this is simply how it is and nothing can change it. Nothing can change me."
His body cringed at his own words. Showing this much vulnerability was very out of his comfort zone. He felt like biting his tongue off after every sentence, but he persevered and now it was out. Now she knew.
Picard could hear the blood rushing in his ears, his face felt hot, and he had to fight a strong urge to run away. It was embarassing really. He behaved like a little boy who had just told his school crush that he liked them and now waited for an answer. All very out of his comfort zone.
Beverly sank back into the couch. She let go of his hands, leaving them feeling painfully cold.
"I have to admit, I didn't suspect it. Even tho looking back it makes perfect sense for you to be asexual. I always assumed you were just private with such things as you are with so much of your personal life. But knowing you as well as I do, it fits you. If that makes sense." Beverly spoke, staring at the ceiling.
Picard would have laughed, hadn't he been so anxious.
"I have to admit," Beverly continued, "I am very much not asexual, as you know. But I love you, Jean-Luc. And I don't need to be able to sleep with you to love you. I love you for the person you are, for the friend you have been to me, for your brain, your heart. Frankly, your body is the least exciting thing about you." She laughed. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're ugly, I think you are very beautiful, I just want you to know that I see so much more in you than sex".
Finally, she looked at him again, with a smile that radiated more love than she could ever convey with words.
All the anxiety that had weighed Jean-Luc Picard down for the last couple of minutes fell from his shoulders as he looked into her eyes. He couldn't help but return her smile. "So, you still want this? I mean us?"
"Of course I do."