Chapter Text
[clack]
“-grabbed everything of interest... everything I could lay my hands upon. This included. Now could any of you... gentlemen... tell me where I am?”
“...What do you mean ‘where you are’? It’s Lewisham, or what’s left of it.”
“Sounds like a toff. You Gentry, wayfarer?”
“Gentry? Look at him. We look more like the Dogs than he does like the-”
“Enough about the Dogs, Johnny! Well, who are you with if it’s neither of them?”
“Gentlemen, I am alone. I... fear this conversation is going nowhere. I do not wish to appear rude, but I must get in contact with Doctor--... Has any news at all come from the continent? Switzerland, it would be, and recently. In the Times, perhaps?”
“Switzer-what? Is that some kinda pub? Chem lounge?”
“Quiet. I think he hit his head on the way down. Listen wayfarer, if you’re lookin’ for a doctor, you can try with us, or out in Thameshaven. Haven’t heard news from them in a bit but they can get you sorted.”
“...Thameshaven?”
“Yeah, just down the road. They got a doctor there, I think.”
“I said quiet. And Wayfarer, take this. You need it more than I do. And keep your hands on that box of yours. It’s valuable tech. Remember I was the one that told you so next time you--”
“-made of glass, and some type of hard shell. You are warm to the touch sometimes, and cool after time without handling. You... are entirely foreign, just like the rest... the rest of London.”
[clatter]
“...I should have thought... Ha... Retirement wasn’t supposed to... Fool that I am, Watson, for ever telling you stagnation was hell on earth.”
[sniff]
“Data. Yes, data. I cannot make bricks without clay. If those Vagabonds told me to keep you close, then I need-”
-------------
“-than that you are something of a local leader, unmarried, and have a fondness for greasy foods, I know nothing about you or your... neighborhood.”
“How did- Nevermind. We don’t have the time. If you’re really unfamiliar with the Thamesfolk you’re going to want to take a geiger counter with you.”
“A geiger counter, madam?”
“Are you...? The gadget that clicks when it picks up rads.”
“...”
“...You know, radiation?”
“I am... afraid I do not.”
“Dear me, human... You said you were in a train crash?”
“A complete derailment. I was thrown from the backmost carriage.”
“Alright well... I’m not a doctor, but it looks to me like you must be an amnesiac. I’ve... seen what brain injuries can do to folks.”
“...I suppose I must be.”
“Right then. Since you don’t remember, radiation exposure can be lethal, especially to humans. Here. If this makes clicking noises, retrace your steps until it stops, got that? Take this radaway for good measure. It’s a... remedy of sorts, but it can only reverse a non-lethal dose.”
“Hmm. A ‘radiation’ dowsing rod and cough syrup, I suppose?”
“Uh...”
“Nevermind. What shall I do when I’ve found your Ferryman?”
“If he’s still alive- and I hope to God he is- he’ll have instructions. Come back up here after. We’ll get the doctor to help you with... all of that.”
“Very well. And how does one activate the geig-”
“-was hoping you could explain this, while I wait. It has come quite a ways with me and I would like to understand its capabilities.”
“I can take a look, human. Our Ferryman will be resting a while yet. Hmm. Looks like one of those... it’s a miniature sort of terminal, isn’t it?”
“Give it here, Doc. I know a bit more about... Oh. Hmm. It’s definitely...advanced.”
“Could’ve told you that, young’un.”
“Hush it. Well, human, you might know more than us. If you found a pre-war ghoul, they might- Aha! This one says ‘map’! I’m sure if you hand this to the Ferryman- just like it is, mind- he can point out where you’re headed.”
[clatter]
“Watch where you’re going. Make a wrong move and we’re authorized to defend the caravan.”
“It’s what you’re paid for. But this one doesn’t look like much of a threat... for now. Oi! Scavver! Interested in gettin’ an edge?”
“What kind of an edge?”
“What do you-- Chems, obviously. You look like you’re in a rough state anyway. Care to see what I’ve got?”
“...If you are amenable to trading goods rather than purely currency...”
“No, no, I am not interested in the... the aeroplane at the moment. Just what, pray tell, is a mittenlurk?”
[rattle]
[clunk]
“...Hello there.”
“’Ello! Was that you makin’ all that racket down there?”
“Indeed. I was performing an errand for the man outside. Something in the vein of pest control.”
“Nicely done! These people needed some hope. Who are you, anyway?”
“I am... Holmes. I was sent by Rachel Hall of Thameshaven with a message for someone called ‘Archie’.”
“That’s me!”
“...Is it?”
“Yep! Ms. Rachel looked after me while I was down there. She’s not like the others, if you noticed.”
“I rather did. She sends her apologies that events transpired like they did. I believe she cares for you.”
“Ta. If you wouldn’t mind tellin’ her I understand-- Oh, that is, if you’re goin’ back at all. You get the cold shoulder down there? For bein’ human?”
“Indeed. But, while I was there Ms. Hall also let me know you are the resident expert on underground laboratories. I found myself in one recently with... Upon escaping, I was gravely injured in a train crash. Now, I find that everything on the surface is completely alien to me.”
“So that’s why you’re here! Yeah, I know one of those. Barely managed to escape myself. I guess you want to hear the whole story?”
“With as much detail as you can provide. Do you- oof- mind if I take a seat? My escape was not without cost.”
“Rough. Well, go ahead. I’m not usin’ ‘em. It all started with a supply run near the Thames- ‘ere, let me move that big orange-”
“Off we go. The lad will be safe for the time being. But, I’ll have to drop you off at the embankment on the other side. There’s a storm coming.”
“A storm? Hopefully not one of those... What did Ms. Hall call them? Rad-storms?”
“What? No, Wayfarer, not that kind. You’ll see soon en-”
“Oi! Someone’s out there!”
[BANG]
“It’s under the Monument for one of the Great Fires.”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I know it quite-- One of the Great Fires?”
“HROOOOOOOOOARUGH”
[BANG]
“RAAAUGH”
[BANG]
[BANG]
[BANG]
[BANG]
[BANG]
“...Cough....-huff.... huff...”
[clack]
“-give that back. Your friend the Ferryman entrusted you to my care, and that is going to come with a certain set of expectations. You are hardly the first-- In my profession, I have become accustomed to traveling around light fingers. I am not so easy to pickpocket as you might think.”
“Cor, that you’d have ‘ta be. I’m the best there is.”
“Yes, lad, I dare say you are... now.”
“I can do locks too. Give me a bobby pin and a screwdriver and there’s not a door or a chest I can’t crack.”
“With such limited equipment? That must come in handy.”
“Does it ever! I should tell you ‘bout the time I broke into an old flat by the London Bridge.”
“Indeed... You should. Would you mind if I asked a few questions along the way?”
“Nah. The Ferryman said you were the curious type. So there I was-”
“The box, Archie, if you would-”
“-blast, I’ve lost the-”
“The do-dad.”
“I am not calling it the ‘do-dad’.”
“Then the ‘ATTA-BOY’. ‘s what’s written on it.”
“It well might be some sort of slogan. In this world it does not pay to jump to conclusions.”
“If there’s an ‘ooligan pointing a gun at your head I think jumping to conclusions is a fine idea.”
“Never mind, Wig-- Archie. I will climb down and get it.”
“I can climb faster!”
“Yes- right, of course you can, but... It’s a long drop, and you were going to explain terminals for me, on account of my... amnesia.”
“Hmm... I guess you can’t be worse off if you fall again. Well, before the war, they had all this tech, see. Nice stuff, nicer than what’s around today, and there’s probably not any at the Sanctuary. The kind that’s still left are like... boxes you could store all sorts of information on.”
“Like... an encyclopedia?”
“A what?”
“A... large book. Each one houses specialized information on various subjects.”
“Oh. Yeah, I guess so. Careful, that plank looks rotted. Anywho, they do that, but they can also read the stuff on holotapes.”
“Hollow tapes? A container to place your records in?”
“Bit to the left, you almost had it. And sorta like that. ‘S like... if you got a book to eat another book, and then the bigger book knew all the stuff in it. But the little book isn’t destroyed. You can pop it back out again. Do this with as many books as you like, as long as you have ‘em.”
“Archie, I fear that metaphor is beyond me.”
“Hmmm. Well, I don’t read all that much ‘cept 005... Oh I got it! Say you had a big diary, an’ you write down all your thoughts. But now you need to go somewhere an’ take the pages with you. Instead’a copying them all down by hand and putting them in a new book, you... you put the pages you want on a holotape. And then you can... you put the pages in a new book. Only, the books are terminals. And you don’t have to just have writing, it can be sound recordings too. And other stuff.”
“So I might take my hollow tape to one of these terminals and read what was recorded on it? Or- if I so desired- transfer data from the Angel box to another device?”
“You’re catchin’ on! But it’s funny how you know so much more about books than everythin’ else. I wish you could remember what you were before the crash. You might’ve been a teacher, or... What do they call the real fancy ones? Oh right! A professor!”
“A professor... ha!”
“You got it?”
“Indeed I do, Archie. But to your question, I was no professor.”
“You weren’t? It would explain why you’re awful at-- I mean... Well then you- Hey, wait a minute! The way you said that... You remembered something, didn’t you! Aw, come on, tell us what!”
“...I know there was a professor of my acquaintance who would have fit quite well into the ranks of those researchers- if one can call them that- we’ve had the displeasure of meeting.”
“Ugh! Not a friend of yours, I hope.”
“No, no. Not in the least. As a matter of fact, he was nearly the death of me.”
“Well, if we run into him again, I don’t mind tag-teamin’ him with you. I can distract him while you sneak up from behind-”
“It’s my hope that no one shall never see him again, Archie.”
“Archie! Archie where-”
“Right here! See, I told you I was good at hiding.”
“Very good. Now, we must make a run for it. Do you remember when the gentleman at the gate told us about releasing the ‘tunnel cough’?”
“Blimey! You actually did it! Oh yeah, we’d better scarper.”
[thud thud thud thud]
[creak]
[scrape]
“So! You are back! Did you take care of the ‘ooligan problem?”
“Ah, huff, yes... They won’t be bothering you again, that I can guarantee.”
“This group at least, no? But come, I did say you could ‘ave access to Sanctuary now that the lockdown is lifted.”
“Thank you.”
[clack]
[creak]
[CRACK clatter]
“Hey! You alright? You dropped the-”
“My God... Watson, forgive me. There are such a thing as miracles.”
“You spent forever up there. What’s eatin’ you? Did you remember something?”
“I was... Bishop Whaler is an excellent conversationalist. I discussed some matters of our business with him and made a donation to the Sanctuary.”
“What? Aww, our fee? I didn’t peg you for a goody-two shoes.”
“After the things I have seen, Archie, I dare say they need it more than I do at present.”
“Yeah, yeah. Charity an’ all... Say, what did he tell you about Lazarus? No holdin’ out on me!”
“Well, there was a fair bit to do with chem-dealing, which I understand is an offense the Sanctuary is not altogether fond of.”
“It wouldn’t be, yeah. What else! Tell me!”
“We... I fear I may regret this, but we should ‘walk and talk’ as they say.”
“YES!!”
“-forgot how to use a stimpak? Boy, you did hit your ‘ead ‘ard. OK. Lie still, this’ll hurt.”
“Ack- Hnnn. I suppose I must count myself- ah- fortunate they had only medieval weaponry. What is it you-- Only a needle?”
[hsst]
“Yep! You’ll feel better in no time.”
“And one does not have to be... a doctor to obtain one?”
“No, ‘course not! But they’re awful hard to come by. Not as hard as chems, but I’d steer clear of those if you don’t ‘member what they are. They’re ‘s bad for you as they are expensive.”
“I am quite capable of taking care-- Augh! ”
“Cor, you’re so green I’d think you’re becomin’ part Thamesfolk! Lie down for a tick and we can wait for it to kick in proper.”
“My arm... Is it supposed to burn?”
“It’ll just be a minute, promise! ...But while we’re waiting I can... I can try to distract you um... Oh, this is good!”
[click]
“When I nick- er, borrowed the do-dad to get the sludge off it earlier, I found some of the buttons can come in handy. Look, you can scan ‘n log your supplies, like stimpaks!”
[clickclickclick]
“Is that so...”
“The way I figure it, you can use it to get the names of things you find, if you don’t remember what they are. I’d hate to find out you ate somethin’ you shouldn’t have and croaked when I weren’t lookin’.”
“Thank you, Archie. I will endeavor not to do so.”
“I’d swear you’re Gentry by the way you talk, but you’re too nice. And too covered in muck to be honest.”
“Archie-”
“And you don’t have near enough tickets to your name. Look ‘ere- you can log ‘em with this button. And-- Blimey, it plays holotapes too, like we talked about! You just- Oh hang on, I think we turned it on-”
“-looks just like-- Oh dear. I’ve started the recording.”
“The audio? By all means, continue, Mr. Lazarus. If you can explain anything about this peculiar object, I should like to be able to refer to your notes- audible notes, as it were- at a later date.”
“Of course. You woke up in the lab? And Archie says you don’t remember anything from before?”
“...It was like stepping into London for the first time.”
“Then I’m amazed you’ve made it this far. Well, this is definitely Angel tech. It reminds me of another device. Vault-Tec make, back from before the war. I think it was worn on the wrist. They called it a Pip-Boy--”
“I knew it! I knew it was-”
“Archie, let the man finish. Yes, I believe I encountered something of the kind. If it was not lost in the bowels of Thameshaven, I have it stored somewhere with a friend.”
“This is rather similar. I should almost say just alike, as if someone at Angel reverse-engineered it in their spare time. It can track all sorts of different information. Looks like you have the holotape function figured out. The map, too. Logging inventory, notes... For someone who seems so unfamiliar with the technology, you’ve made remarkable use of it.”
“I showed ‘im everything ‘e knows!”
“Archie--! I thank you for your compliment, Mr. Lazarus, but that is rather the case. I am something of a novice in these matters.”
“Most people are, nowadays. If I had to guess, you didn’t need them in your previous life. Muscle memory is much more powerful than we give it credit for. But enough rambling from an old ghoul. This menu measures your vital functions-”
“Which I can view by pressing...?”
“This button here. You can toggle back and forth between menus.”
“I see.”
“What might be most valuable for you would be to find the Angel Station laboratory. I come from a time when we built things to last. It’s my magnum opus, and it only stands to reason they would keep more of their prizes there. But as for your treasure here... Sadly, this is not something we had in my day. At least, not something in the purview of my work.”
“Of course. Thank you nonetheless, Mr. Lazarus. And if I wanted to record similar observations, for future reference? Perhaps something like your clue that led us so neatly to your location?”
“Ah! This button right here.”
[clack]
“Beginning recording. Day ten. I am borrowing an abandoned ‘terminal’ to record additional notes and recovered hollow-tapes simultaneously. This one was discovered in the Angel Monument Lab and bears the label ‘Experiment Report 14’.”
[click]
[whrr]
“Subject 14; Status report. Doctor Francis Enstein, head of Augmentation reporting. With Victor and Barry’s notes on limb transplant an supplementation, initial milestones for replacement appendages are being met right on schedule. Subject is combative in every sense of the word, and requests to implement stricter conditions for disciplinary action have been denied by the Director. Experiment parameters have been defined as ‘inflexible’ and ‘first priority’ by upper leadership.
Subject has been recommended for augmentation under sedation. Who submitted that recommendation I have no idea, but we’re done doing it the fun way, I guess. What’s the point in writing up these reports if no one’s taking my suggestions? Professionalism is dead, and upper management killed it. Alvin started calling the Subject ‘The Hound’ and I’m not going to bother correcting him anymore. We don’t even get to branch out like experiments 13 and 15. What if I want to grow two ankles on the leg? Two ankles instead of one and a knee? Would that be interesting or what? But no, per the Director: one functional clone leg (left) and one functional clone arm (right); no abnormalities.
Closing observation: Experiment 14 Limb Transplant and Supplementation is hitting all boring, pointless benchmarks. Doctor Francis Enstein hoping this gets transferred to Angel Main, and that he gets restaffed to something fun like-”
[click]
“If one intends to eavesdrop, one should not undertake the venture with a congested nose.”
“You never let me listen to the juicy ones!”
“For good reason! Are you aware that this recording was taken down at the Monument Lab?”
“....No.”
“No indeed. Come, Archie, do not despair. I verified that none of your friends... were subject to any such experimentation. In addition, we are endeavoring to get to the bottom of this.”
“So’s it won’t happen to anyone else.”
“No one. If it is within my power.”
“Frankly, Mr. Holmes, I ain’t seen much that’s not ‘within your power’.”
“Thank you, Ar-”
“’Cept maybe usin’ an Ion Brew machine.”
“Archie!”
“-let go! Young man, this is non-negotiable.”
“But I want to come! How’re you s’posed to sneak into Islington anyhow? You don’t even know ‘bout lampreys, or mittenlurk queens, or-”
“This is a far more dangerous region than anything in central London. It would be too great a risk taking you along. Besides, our friends the Tommies aren’t willing to part with their gas masks without a Herculean trial.”
“That’s not fair! I can find one. I can steal-”
“You most certainly can not! Archie, listen to me. I’m not leaving London. I will follow this thread to Islington and return. More than likely I will have several new things scanned into the-”
“-do-dad-”
“-...Angel device... to ask you about when I return. You and I are the only ones out here looking for answers. I need you to make sure someone still has them. Someone Angel doesn’t know about, someone they won’t find. Someone who can lie low until I return.”
“You promise?”
“Pardon?”
“You promise you’ll come back?”
“I promise I will try.”
“Well that’s... that’s as good as anybody could do I suppose. But take this with you. It’s for good luck.”
“Thank you, Archie. I believe I will need it. Now, we will return to St. Paul’s. As thanks for securing his own return, our friend Lazarus has agreed to watch you until I-- Did this blasted thing switch itself on ag-”
“Terribly sorry. Must be a disturbance in my equilibrium... Are you injured?”
“No, no, perfectly fine thank you. Might I ask what you were doing hanging upside down?”
“Now that is an interesting story.”
“Judging by your appearance, relative distance from my destination, and inclination to speak first and fire later, I have a feeling it is a story I would do well to hear.”
“Ah, forgive me. You must be my replacement. Westminster is wise to send representatives in disguise.”
“Westminster? Forgive me, but you really must start a story from the beginning. I am neither from Westminster nor anyone’s replacement. Perhaps an account of the facts, Mister...?”
“Mountbatten. Arthur Mountbatten. And if you’re not going to Hackney to deal with the Roundels, all the better for me. I should not like to go back in there just now.”
“About that...”
“Far too many people in here are giving me the evil eye.”
“You did agree to come along.”
“You were very persuasive.”
“Come, come! I am- what did they call me?- the hero of the ‘Hurly Burly’. Any friend of mine is certainly a friend of theirs.”
“They are not nearly as friendly as they look.”
“Then hold this for me. I am done-up to look the part. I have no immediate need for it.”
“The roundel? Rather small for a shield... I suppose I shall have to wait out here- Why is your little box flashing?”
“A trick I learned from a friend. Now, whatever I hear inside we’ll be able to hear again later. I may need more information on what I learn and a... translation of terms.”
“You mean like ‘commuter’?”
“Yes, well, as other words with multiple meanings are wont to do--”
“No, forget it. I took no offense. You know I’m starting to have some suspicions about you, my wayfaring friend. Perhaps you were raised in a Pindar.”
“...I might have spent the last few decades in one, I suppose.”
“Only time will tell. I believe that gentleman will take you to see this ‘Prince’ of the Roundels. Good luck, and keep an eye out.”
“Certainly.”
“Ahem, Wayfarer.”
“Ah, Mr. Smiths. Thank you for arranging an audience. I trust this type of attire is more suitable?”
“...Much. Anyways, follow me. Here we are. Wait for the light. ...Now we go.”
“After you.”
“After me, he says... Prince Davies, I present the brave new Roundel who turned the tide at the Battle of the Hurly Burly.”
“Ah! The tide turner. The wandering wrong number. The battle-brazen ball-buster of Miller’s Men. Come in, come in!”
“...It is an honor-”
“You might be coming on a bit strong, my prince!”
“Oh! Well, hope I didn’t offend you...”
“Not at all, your highness. Is everything well?”
“Is everything...? Oh, right as rain, as long as the chems are on time.”
“On time...?”
“The loss of his brother, Prince Keith, has been especially hard on us all. The Prince sometimes uses chems as... an aid to combat the mental toll.”
“Of course. I can only offer my condolences. I... too... have lost a brother.”
“One such as he was hard to lose. Keith was a hero. Hercules, Richard the Lion-hearted, Robin Hood...
“He was lost at the Battle of the Bang Bang. Struck down by Miller. Prince Pete rallied us and led us to safety. Without him, the Roundels would be no more.”
“My hand... held his head. The half that wasn’t split off by Miller’s bloody hammer. Where is he? Where is Keith? I need to be with him!”
“It maybe time for you to take some Calmex, my prince. Here, you, help me with this.”
“This one is introduced via hypodermic syringe?”
“Yeah. Ain’t you ever seen one before?”
“...Certainly. I know them well. One moment if you please-”
“Mr. Mountbatten.”
“Ah. That look on your face- I believe I know where this conversation is headed. No need to say it, I can take my leave--”
“Take your- No, no, pray sit down. I have some... questions of a rather sensitive nature I would like to ask, if you are willing?”
“Oh. I suppose that is something of a relief. Ask away. I have nothing to hide.”
“As much as I appreciate your candor, this is more about... our present environment. My last informant tended to anticipate my questions with an uncanny accuracy. However, some topics were of a more sensitive nature and I elected to observe rather than ask. In hindsight, immediate information- however biased- might have been the preferable road.”
“I see. Truth be told, I don’t know much of the Roundels, aside from the fact that they run Hackney and are opposed to the current system of taxation.”
“Taxes have been a constant sticking point between citizens and those collecting them since their inception. That, at least, is a subject in which I am well-enough versed. No, I wished to ask about these... chems... in a broad sense. I have encountered substances in my past that one might purchase from a chemist to treat various ailments. However, since the... the incident, I have found my knowledge lacking in the extreme.”
“Chems, eh? Nasty things. I abhor them myself, but from a more clinical standpoint there are upsides and downsides. Science has made strides that might have once been called miraculous. The effects- though often spectacular- are not infinite. As a matter of fact, it can be argued that the short-term benefits are vastly outweighed by their long-term side-effects. They are quite hard on the body- even one with heartier components than mine. Once addicted it is very hard to get completely sober. There are ways, of course, but sometimes...”
“It is often easier to use and abuse than go without?”
“That was rather flippant, especially coming from you. If you looked any more like me I’d call your temperament ‘Old Victorian’, though I suspect that goes over your head. Is there something on your mind?”
“...Perhaps. In the case of Prince Davies... I observed the signs of grief, the necessity for a caretaker of a fashion, and other material signals of a decline. His condition was born of extended and heavy exposure to... this ‘Calm-ex’ and the like?”
“Hmm. As I have not seen the man personally, you must take this with a grain of salt. Yes and no. Heavy use, certainly. But by my reckoning, the Battle of the Bang Bang did not occur long ago.”
“Not long... You are saying his mental condition-”
“A mixture of the trauma of the experience and the exposure to heavy chems. But chems alone could do it. Terrible things. Oh yes... Why do you ask”
“I have been given a choice. Neither mission was particularly subtle, so I am sure you overheard-”
“And you are weighing your options? A good deal of work will have to be done either way.”
“Quite. However, I fear the decision is made for me. It is... A long time ago, I had a friend who made clear his dislike for chems, of a fashion. I feel as if I owe it to his memory to undertake this trial. But our new friend ‘Manchester Mike’ asks much to see it done. Will it really take all that he describes?”
“...In my humble estimation, he is asking for the minimum it will require to see the thing through. You’ve really never encountered anything like this?”
“Just the opposite, Mr. Mountbatten, I fear that I have.”
“Ah. I see. You have done... rather well to hide it.”
“Thank you. However, I will be making notes. Once our errand is finished, I intend to... refine the process.”
“Mountbatten?”
“Yes?”
“In your time in Westminster... Did you ever encounter mentions of an official named Mycroft?”
“An official? No, I don’t think so. However, there is a Tommy officer of some kind who goes by that name. He’s a detective of moderate celebrity.”
“A detective? Ha!”
“Is something funny?”
“No, not at all, forgive me. I have a different association with the name. The man I had in mind was Mycroft Holmes. He worked in the government a... long time ago.”
“Ah, not a current official. Let me see. I seem to remember... Yes, there is a bust in one of the ministry offices. I believe it’s his.”
“Might... might this be open for public viewing?”
“Public, no, but I’m sure one could arrange a visit, if one knew the people to ask for and the strings to pull... Alas, I have no such influence in Westminster anymore.”
“Were there any other mentions of him? Perhaps from before all of... this?”
“Now let me think-- Mycroft Holmes... From before the war? Wait a moment. Do you mean to tell me that he is some sort of distant relation of yours?”
“...Very distant indeed.”
“There. Between your interviews and my business sense, this should be enough to craft the so-called cures needed to prevent regicide. It took nearly every ticket between the pair of us but--”
“Fascinating... I have copied the distillation instructions as precisely as possible. Are you certain we have the means to produce the necessary quantity?”
“Honestly, I have no idea. I’m more worried about the somewhat manic gleam in your eye.”
“For once, I find the peculiarities of this world refreshing.”
“Indeed?”
“Yes. In this instance, the unknown is not actively trying to kill us. For the first time in a long time, I have an adequate chemistry set at my disposal. To engage in an exercise of creation rather than destruction is something of a relief.”
“Certainly. I believe this portion of the mission will be.... edifying.”
“Quite.”
“And what did you mean by ‘this world’?”
“Ah--”
[click]
[chk-chk-chk]
[klack]
“Dare I ask what this fiddling is going to mean for us? Excuse me, I’m really more concerned for what it means for me.”
“Since we have some time before the Prince will be ready for company, I have taken to implementing a little idea of mine. It should help keep the both of us out of trouble in the future.”
“Oh? Have you discovered some hidden function that will detect hooligans before we stumble into their lairs? My ears are still ringing from the Atkins with the crude launcher...”
“This is not so much a technological innovation as an analog one. In my... former professional life--”
“Being the world’s first consulting detective and revolutionizing the way evidence is collected, you mean?”
“...While initially refreshing, the irreverence of the future is starting to wear. Outside of a few monographs on the subject-”
“In my youth I made the time to read ‘Upon the Distinction Between the Ashes of the Various Tobaccos’ and ‘Upon the Tracing and Preservation of Footmarks in Various Soils’ . Dense, but practically gospel to the profession. I believe Scotland Yard retained at least one copy each of the rest, for their museum collection.”
“...”
“Mr. Holmes, I had no intention of offending you. I must remember I am speaking to Da Vinci, and consider that he might only hear the criticism of his contemporaries.”
“...You flatter me, Mr. Mountbatten.”
“As a retired toadie I assure you I do not.”
“Might we agree to broach this subject at another time?”
“Of course. I’ll speak no more of it unless instructed.”
“Good-”
“Or unless it becomes immediately relevant to our safety.”
[sigh] “I could ask no less, I suppose. Very well. In regards to my adaptation of the Angel device, I have been recording trends in this hellish environment. While almost completely alien to me, the current conditions of many of the buildings in London are not unreadable. For instance- a collection of mud, reeds, and aquatic plant-life strongly suggests a building to be inhabited by the mutated crabs known as ‘mitten-lurks’.”
“...That is the case more often than not. And the others?”
“You will no doubt have observed the cannibal element. Once one arrives at the blood and viscera, it is already too late. I have noted the increased presence of crows and mutated horses in these areas. Even in this day and age the scavengers find a way to converge. In addition, the presence of oxidized metals- iron chains, support beams, and higher incidences of scrap piles- may be coincidental in some cases but are consistently present.”
“I can’t say I realized the sleipnir had any haunts outside Westminster. Do go on.”
“The hooligan element is one of the less predictable ones. However, they are in the habit of fortifying the structures they have chosen to inhabit. One could argue that so do any civilized and law-abiding settlements, except that the criminal strain of London has always held some disregard for their neighbors and their surroundings. Not only are the ‘additions’ of hooligan gangs rudimentary in the extreme, but often times they are unsafe even for their architects. Rough edges, nails, uneven planking, and bizarre materials are all trademarks of a hooligan lair. The painted signs are a dead giveaway of the more brash in their number, but subtler signs include a haphazard system of waste management, little thought to resource distribution, and a lack of herd animals found in other legitimate settlements.
“The least predictable category is that of the feral commuter. There are obvious signs such as warnings from previous explorers and corpses of victims. But, a quiet, seemingly-unoccupied building has just as great a chance of housing...” [sigh] “...the undead as no one at all.”
“...You ought to write a monograph on the rules of exploration.”
“Perhaps I will, once we are through here. Manchester Mike made assurances-- Hold on, did you hear that?”
“It sounded like it came from the front door.”
“We may be expecting company.”
“Wayfarer. The Roundels have won the day thanks to you. No, we really couldn’t have done all we did without you. Take this, as a token of our thanks.”
“I... can’t possibly accept this.”
“Ahem. It is a handsome gift, Holmes. We are honoured to have been some help.”
“You mean to tell me we have come this far, and that there is simply no way through to the station other than on a path which will kill us both?”
“Yes, well, you didn’t mention you were going to this part of Islington now did you?”
[click]
“State your b- Oh, it’s you! You’re the bloke they’ve got breaking into the Bank of England?”
“...Unfortunately, I am he.”
“You’ll need an army, I reckon.”
“Yes, I was rather hoping to assemble one.”
“Not from the Tommies you won’t. Beg pardon, but we’re stretched thin as it is. I was tempted to ask if you’d do a little hooligan-hunting for me but, well-”
“I may as well add it to the list. But while I am here would you be so kind as to tell me about the current state of your records- nothing that should lead me to your very busy living Tommies obviously. I presume personnel files are still organized and kept somehow?”
“Tommy records on paper only go back about fifty years, sir. Anything else may have gone onto a terminal somewhere, but that would be in Westminster. If you’re trying to find a friend or a relative, asking around might bring you better results. Tommies are generally a sociable sort, with other Tommies.”
“Thank you, but no. Recent enlistments are not the subject of my search. I was hoping that since this is the war museum, you might have older records. I believe the proper term for the era I am interested in is ‘Pre-war’? In particular, records from the Second Anglo-Afghan-”
“History buff then? I don’t know how much I can help you there, sir but you’re free to look around anything that’s not behind lock and key. But- come to think of it, the General moved some things out of his office last week. We do try not to burn the documents here, sir. Some of us can read.”
“-knew you’d come crawling back to me. You get to Islington?”
“...No. If you would give that back-”
“-hey!-”
“-I have been assured that such a route is impossible without the aid of the Tommies. That much I had to see for myself.”
“Well, tunnel cough is nothing to sneeze- er, cough at. It’s proper lethal!”
“What, pray tell, in this wasteland isn’t?”
“But if we’re not going to Islington, where are we going?”
“I have been tasked with- Oh, forgive me Mycroft- I have been tasked with breaking into the Bank of England.”
“Shut up, you are not! Cor- and that’s why you need me?”
“...In a manner of speaking. I need an army. I was hoping you might be able to lead me to... somewhat reputable help for hire. I have been quite sparing with my tickets. What is the going rate for mercenaries these days?”
“With what you got, you’d be lucky to get two scavvers and a pig-rat. You could throw that away on ‘ooligans, or...”
“Or?”
“I might’ve ‘eard of a guy.”
“GET IN THE RING SO I CAN BREAK YOU! AAAAAAARGH.”
“I’ll have to take that as well. Provided you live, you can pick up your things in the locker over--”
“The Bank of England? What, like where they used to keep all the gold?”
“Precisely. Only, now we are more likely to encounter hooligans than gold. I imagine the facility has been picked clean over the years.”
“Maybe... One time I beat up a bloke who said he gave up safe-cracking ‘cause he broke his hand trying to get in there.”
“He did?”
“Yeah. He broke his other hand tryin’ to knock me down. Probably wasn’t ever cut out for-”
“Shh. Jack. Stop here.”
“Why? What’re we whisperin’ about?”
“The dead rat.”
“It’s dead, ain’t it? Can’t hear us.”
“No, but see how most of the body is intact. And- There! The trail of blood leads to that barrel. Notice the tell-tale growths of fungus. It follows the rules precisely. I have no doubt this area is thick with commuters.”
“...I think I’m startin’ to see what you’re seeing.”
“Yes. And if we’re not careful-”
“Oh, we don’t need to be careful!”
“Jack!”
[growl]
[shuffle]
“There you are! COME ON, LIGHTWEIGHT! IT’LL BE LIKE BOXING IN THE POLIO WARD!”
“JACK!”
“Did you see how I bashed that one’s skull in?”
“...Archie was absolutely right.”
“The kid? Yeah, he’s smart. What good’s hiring an army gonna do when you’re mates with me?”
“What good indeed.”
“My intrepid rescuer! Pleased to meet you, my name’s Kiera.”
“...A pleasure. I am Holmes and I have some-”
“You don’t look like the usual hooligan... And judging by your access to ballistic weave technology and the manner in which you employ it, I take it you are something of a professional. Who are you really?”
“Very astute observation. I was recently with the Mods of Hackney, called the Roundels-”
“Uh huh. And before that?”
“I... Freelance work. Consulting mercenary-”
“Sure you were. What are you really after?”
“Miss Kiera, I came here at the behest of General Asquith of the-”
“If you’re a Tommy, then I’m the President of the United States.”
“Well, then, will you believe I woke up in a vat of unknown liquid in an equally obscure underground laboratory?”
“Not in the least. But I do know there’s something weird about you. I can feel it.”
“Intuition is- while inexact a descriptor for subconscious pattern recognition- not to be taken lightly. In this case, you are of course correct, though our purposes will not be served by debating the matter.”
“Naturally. You seem to possess some intelligence. Unfortunately, my company of late has consisted of... My new friends were former workers in the bank whose brains have sadly turned to mush. It’s something of a relief to have some more scintillating conversation.”
“...I confess, I feel the same way. Now, if it is not impolite to ask, how did you come to be locked inside the Bank of England?”
“The latest adventure of Kiera the Treasure Hunter! I succeeded in breaking into the vault, but via that hole in the roof. I have not been able to get back out through.”
“Ah. A difficult undertaking to be sure.”
“I came here looking for the ultimate prize- that is, by London historical standards- the famed gold in the Bank of England! Looks pretty impressive, right?”
“As I have only second-hand accounts to base my previous impressions upon, yes.”
“Aha, but it’s a trick! A ruse! A deceit! They’re all fake. Plated tungsten as far as I can tell.”
“Plated...? The entire vault? How very singular...”
“I managed to hack into the terminal there and recover the ancient access records. Someone’s done a very good job of covering their tracks, but not too good. The gold was switched out in a very secretive operation- get this- just three days before the outbreak of the War. You know what that means, don’t you? There can only be one sensible solution.”
“...That someone with advanced knowledge of the state of global affairs took advantage of the situation?”
“You do see it! Time. Travelers. Someone used future technology to go back in time and secure their riches well into the distant future.”
“...”
“And now that I can see the truth, it’s time for Kiera the Treasure hunter to embark on her next mission! Say... How would you like to be my sidekick, vat-boy? We could track down the time-traveling thieves together once--”
“What-”
[BANG]
[WHAM]
“HOLMES! I GOT THE LAST ONE! HE WAS HIDING BEHIND THE SANDBAGS IN THE CORNER!”
“...You’ve got to be joking. My sidekick has a sidekick? That won’t do. I'd be the laughing stock of the Treasure Hunters' Club. Which is just me for now, but I still have standards.”
“You-”
“Of course, the thieves may have left evidence behind... If they knew the War was coming, they could rest assured that signs of their presence would go undiscovered for centuries... I have much to think about, sidekick-applicant. Once you’ve made up your mind about becoming assistant to the Treasure Hunter who solved the greatest robbery in history, do come look me up in Camden. I have algorithms to unravel!”
“...What a remarkable woman.”
“Oi! Holmes. If you’re done starin’ at that wall, we got somethin’ important to discuss.”
“Yes, Jack, what is it?
“You rely too much on guns.”
“And the day grows stranger by the moment-- Pray, tell me: what do you mean?”
“In there. You almost got bludgeoned over the head twice ‘cause you had a gun and were too cautious about corners.”
“That is why I have you to watch my back.”
“Don’t change the subject. So you might not need to learn how to throw a punch, but you do need lessons in how to think like a fighter.”
“Where I came from, one did not need to anticipate being shot at in broad daylight. Not... often, at any rate.”
“And where did you come from?”
“I believe Archie waxed poetic about the Angel labs, amnesia--”
“No, see, I know guys who’ve had their bell rung and lost their wits. Done it to a fair few myself. You don’t act like one of them.”
“Hmm. I suppose it does any kind of pugilist well to be observant. Very well. I place myself under your tutelage.”
“Good choice. Now. How much of this gold are we sneakin’ out of here?”
“Ah yes, the ‘gold’. Well, while our new treasure-hunting acquaintance is distracted--”
“It’s NOT FAIR!”
“I fail to see how fairness comes into it, Archie, but you are not going to Islington and that is final. It is far too dangerous.”
“’e’s right, kiddo. You’d be torn to shreds. It’s no place for you. Or the commuter toff.”
“Thank you ever so much for the glowing endorsement.”
“You’d ruin your fancy duds, and no one wants that.”
“Quite right, though some consideration for my dignity would’ve been in order.”
“But it’s not fair, Mr. Holmes! You said the Tommies only had one gas mask and that’s why I couldn’t go!”
“That was only part of the reason, Archie, as you might well remember if you were not so focused on winning this stage of the argument. Nothing has changed.”
“You said I wasn’t allowed to steal a gas mask! But now all the sudden--”
“Archie, Archie. Our new friend Mad Jack did no such thing. He asked one of the Tommies to borrow theirs, and the man was quite eager to give it to him.”
“Very eager.”
“Yes, thank you, Jack. I have this in hand.”
“It’s NOT-”
“Yes, not fair in the slightest. However, we did manage to rig up a working terminal in Covent Garden, as well as several functional defenses. Mr. Mountbatten has agreed to maintain the workings of-”
“Our new secret hideout.”
“Capital suggestion! A secret hideout it is.”
“....’s not a very good bribe.”
“But you must take it, Archie. You were the one to warn me about tunnel cough, after all. I have taken your very good advice and even constructed a far less ‘boring’ place to spend your time.”
“Yeah, yeah. You an’ all your lousy logic... Oh, but Mr. ‘Olmes? If you’re going to Islington, you’re going to need your Angel do-dad.”
“Archie!”
“...Are you absolutely certain there’s a load of guys I can punch on the other end of this?”
“Positive.”
“Right then. Supposing you started picking up the pace. This place is making my skin itch.”
“Ahoy-hoy, Wayfarer. You certainly look to be having fun in there. Is your throat not feeling a little... scratchy?”
“....Is that him?”
“Yes. Quiet, we may learn something.”
“Ah, I see. You and your companion have gas masks. Very innovative. Though, I shouldn’t be surprised. It is... you... after all.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I might flatter myself to say my reputation precedes me. But, I fear... Yes, indeed, I fear.”
“Now when we last met, I opened the door to give you a sporting chance. Well Wayfarer. The game is afoot-”
[clatter]
“Holmes? You alright? What’s he sayin’-”
“-and I plan to win. So, this door stays closed.”
“You sure you didn’t catch any of that cough? You look... Well, you look like the blokes in the ring do before they hit the ground puking.”
“He... he knows. He knows I would deduce the obvious reality of the situation. He knows that I know and that... If it turns out that I am-- ...All this is for naught.”
“Come again? You aren’t givin’ up on me now!”
“But he... he is... he can only be--”
“What’s he got that we don’t besides power, and an army? And tech. And weapons, I guess. But he don’t have heart, or my bloodlust, or half the brains you think he does if he thinks this is gonna stop us.”
“But he must. All the facts point one way.”
“And is that the way out of this stinking tunnel? The way to the punching bags you promised?”
“....It must be. Yes, very well, Jack, I suppose it must be.”
“That’s more like it. Now, if he’s not opening this door, how do we get in?”
[krzzzk]
“Initiate Piccadilly Protocol.”
“Oh. You survived. Of course that wouldn’t have worked... I do apologise, you aren’t the average adversary.”
“...Oi! Holmes? You alive?”
“It seems our fates are somewhat aligned. I’ll never be rid of you, and that’s just something I’ll have to come to terms with.”
“Jack! Jack, I require your assistance!”
“You want answers, I know you do. And you will get them. Let it be known. When we meet at the Palace of Westminster, all will be revealed...”
“Right! If they got your legs, I can carry you out. What happened in- Well I’ll be f-”
“Jack!”
“-Flogged, this is a mess. You done ‘em all in yourself?”
“ But I’m afraid I’ll have to leave you once again. In my stead, have London! Explore her, get a feel for her. And most importantly, be kind to her. The prize is yours, if you’re willing to pay the price.”
“I’m coming! Bli-mey this is a big room. I’m here. What’s eatin’- oh.”
“There are- at present- three large needles obstructing-”
“Nope, you said enough. Don’t tell me any more about it unless you want my insides on your outsides. Right. Hold still.”
“Hold-?!”
[clank]
“Augh!”
“There. The big lever said ‘emergency release’. Only, they put it on the other side of this box part here, and you couldn’t see.”
“That... That seems like a flaw in the design.”
“Maybe. Maybe whoever locked you in wanted to make sure you didn’t come back out.”
“Unfortunately, I must confirm your deduction. You may be surprised to learn it was our old friend Mr. Smythe.”
“What. Him. That’s unthinkable. You mean to tell me-”
“Yes, yes, a sardonic streak lends wonderfully to one’s comedic repertoire. Are you carrying any bandages?”
“Them and all the other junk. You need me to do ‘em?”
“Thank you but that will not be necessary. This trap came as something of a shock, but I am recovered. Were you hurt?”
“Only split my knuckles tryin’ to punch down the door.”
“Well if that is all... There. Now, if we are no longer in danger of whatever Smythe planned for this room and that train, I should like to take a look around. There are several points that require further study.”
“Like the big pale blokes gettin’ cool over there? We gonna add a section to the rules about underground labs?”
“...As a matter of fact, no. Apart from the fact that with Angel, we are safest assuming they might throw anything our way, the so-called ‘super clone’ is not of immediate interest to me. I understand... enough. I am much more intrigued by the craftsmanship in this wing. We passed by several rooms that did not match the rest of the facility.”
“It’s posh alright. But what’s that got to do with us?”
“So far, I have not encountered a single Angel laboratory that was anything but utilitarian. In fact, the last time any of the furnishings came close, I found myself breaking into the facility director’s personal chambers. It stands to reason that in a structure as grand and complex as this-”
“They might be the big man’s quarters. Smythe himself!”
“Correct. Elementary, once you consider-- Nevermind. You take the rooms on the left. Grab any hollow-tapes that you find, or papers that look important.”
“Alright. But if they look like rubbish, you’re carryin’ ‘em.”
“Agreed.”
[whoosh]
[thud]
“Now, Mr. Smythe, what do you have in this room of yours? Hallo!”
[clink]
“Just a little more...”
[clak]
“Archie, you shall have to concede that the student has become the master... There! Humanity has not advanced so far that a comparative caveman such as-- Ah, you are listening, aren’t you? I’ll have to learn to disable-”
“That’s all in order, then. Welcome to Westminster. Mind the gap and all that.”
[whrrrrrrrrr]
[clank]
[THUD]
“...’Like the bombs never dropped’ indeed...”