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He saw it happen before the collision even happened. He saw Cliff coming and opened his mouth to warn Shane but he wasn’t fast enough. Shane hit the ice and for a second Ilya was sure he would get back up. He didn’t. He barely managed to stop his own momentum before crashing into Shane laying on the ice. Silence. Complete silence was all he could hear for a second and he didn’t know if the Arena was actually holding its breath or not. He wasn’t sure if it was him or not. His ears were ringing, his heart was pounding in his chest and Shane was still laying completely still on the ice. It was like someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over him. The realization that Shane was still laying on the ice. Unmoving. His legs moved on autopilot as he skated closer. He only managed one stroke before he was stopped by a referee. The man was saying something but couldn’t hear what it was. It was like someone had stuffed his ears with cotton. His eyes were glued to Shane.
His beautiful shane. His something. The love of his life. He was pretty sure he was crying but he didn’t feel like he was in control of his body. Seeing Shane laying there on the ice made him feel nauseous and every time he blinked it wasn’t Shane's unmoving body he saw. It was his mothers corps. Laying on the kitchen floor unmoving. It was the body of the first person to ever love him laying dead on the floor. Her beautiful long blond hair creating a halo around her head. Proof of where she’d gone. There hadn’t been any blood, it was like she had fallen asleep. Only she was ice cold. She had been so, so cold. His mothers corps mixed with Shane. He couldn’t be gone. There was no blood. There was no blood. There was no blood. But his mother hadn’t been bleeding either.
Someone gripped his shoulder. Pulled him away and Ilya couldn’t move his body. He couldn’t fight it even if all he wanted to do was get to Shane. He couldn’t move. It was like all of his strings had been cut like he wasn’t inside of his own body anymore. There were medics on the ice now and they were loud, speaking hushed together yet somehow it sounded like they were yelling. Still none of the words registered.
Distantly in his mind he knew that them being there was a good thing it meant Shane wasn’t dead, yet. The crash played in his mind on repeat. The only thing changing was the body on the ice. Half the time it was Shane, the other half his mother. Half the time it was the first woman to ever love him, the other half it was the first man he had ever loved. It was tragically poetic in a way. He never got to say goodbye to his Mother, it was his biggest regret. Just like he never got to tell Shane that he loved him.
He never got to tell Shane he loved him. Fuck. But Shane wasn’t dead. Shane wasn’t dead. He was not dead. Not dead. Not yet. And god Ilya had been planning on breaking it off with him that night. He was so fucking stupid. How could he ever walk away from Shane? How could he even have considered the possibility? It felt insane. Maybe it was because now it was real. It was so very possible that after today he would never get to Shane again because Shane might die.
Shane might die, he might die without knowing just how much Ilya loved him and it’d be his mother all over again. He’d regret it for the rest of his life. The rest of his life. How was he supposed to live in a world where Shane wasn’t alive? How was he supposed to keep living if the only good thing in his life was gone? How was he supposed to be able to live knowing the only thing worth living for was dead?
He had never considered suicide before. He hated the very idea of it. But if Shane didn’t survive this? Then maybe, just maybe he’d consider it. He scrapped the thought as soon as it came because he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t because he knew Shane would kill him if he did. No Ilya wouldn’t do it. He decided in that moment that even if Shane died he would keep living because by staying alive he honored the memory of the man he loved.
He would keep living for Shane. It was the harder choice but he felt like it was the right thing to do. Like he’d be proud if he knew. If he didn’t die.
Ilya lost all concept of time the second Shane hit the ice. Ten years could have passed and Ilya wouldn’t have questioned it. He barely even noticed him being back in the changing room and then back at the hotel. He didn’t remember going through the motions of changing out of his gear or of leaving the Arena. He knew he must have done it because he was standing in his hotel room staring blankly at the room from the door opening without gear and no memory of getting there. It was like he had been in a trance. He dropped his bag to the ground and turned around, leaving the room and hotel all together. He heard someone ask where he was going, either he ignored them or he mumbled something he wasn’t sure if any words actually left his mouth. He still felt like he was moving on autopilot. Like he wasn’t in control of his body. He didn’t care.
Before he knew it he was standing in front of Shane's hospital door. He pushed it open and there in a hospital bed was Shane. He was sitting up and he was awake. Ilya noticed movement in the corner of his eye but paid it no mind his body was still moving without permission. He had tunnel vision to Shane. Vaguely he heard someone say something but it wasn’t Shane so he didn’t care.
The man on the bed smiled at him brightly. He looked a little out of it but he was alright. He was alive. Fuck. He was pretty sure he actually said it this time.
“Ilya!” Shane said happily and he felt himself smile slightly. He walked closer each step feeling like a mile. Like he couldn't cross the distance fast enough. When he finally reached him he just stood there staring for a moment. Relishing in the fact that he wasn’t dead. That the amazing man in front of him was actually still breathing. He noted distantly that his vision was getting blurry. His hand was shaking when he reached out to run his fingers over Shane's face. He felt like throwing up, memories of his mothers cold corpse flashing in his mind. He wasn’t sure he’d survive if Shane was freezing too. He didn’t get to make the choice as Shane leaned forward closing the last of the distance.
He was warm. He was so fucking warm and Ilya felt travel through his whole fucking body like it zapped him back to awareness. He finally felt in control again. He cupped Shane's face and leaned his forehead against the injured man and he broke. Sobs wreaking through his body as he sat on Shane's bed hugging him tightly. Hiding his head in the juncture of Shane's neck and shoulder.
Breathing in deeply and being surrounded but the smell of Shane, Shane, Shane. He felt Shane kiss the top of his head and Ilya pulled away slightly just to look at him. Shane was smiling albeit a little sadly like seeing Ilya's tears were physically hurting him. Then he reached up with his non-injured hand and wiped away Ilya's tears. It was useless as new ones took their place. Ilya swallowed thickly.
“You scared me” His voice broke slightly but he continued anyway. “I thought you were dead, I thought- I thought I’d never get to see you again. I thought I’d never get to tell you.” Shane was looking at him with big round eyes but there was no judgement or anything. He leaned his head against Shane's sternum and just stayed there for a long while. Shane ran his hand through Ilya's curls and Ilya was pretty sure he was about to fall asleep within the next five seconds, the exhaustion of the day finally catching up with him. Just as he felt sleep grab a hold of him, Shane spoke softly.
“Tell me what?” Ilya smiled and replied.
“That I love you.” Then he was out like a light. Sleeping on Shane's chest.
Shane was out of it sure he was slightly high on pain killers but he wasn’t high enough to not carry a conversation. Which was exactly what he was doing with his mom, dad and Hayden when the door opened. Yuna felt her eyes widen when she saw the man standing there. Ilya Rozanov. That was the first thing she noticed, the second was that he looked like a mess. He looked out of it, he was pale and his eyes red rimmed, they were also blank in the way Shanes got sometimes when he was overwhelmed or when he got stuck in his head. There were tear tracks too on his cheeks. Yuna may not like the man boy but she still felt her heart break slightly at the sight of him. David’s head turned to her with a confused look on his face and Yuna just looked equally confused. Shane however didn’t look even slightly confused, he smiled brighter than Yuna has seen him in a long time.
“What the-” Hayden said in disbelief. But he seemed too stunned to actually do anything. Rozanov didn’t seem to notice any of them. His eyes glued to Shane.
“Fuck” He said softly his voice breaking slightly his russian accent clearer than usual. Yuna swallowed, biting her lip. She didn’t know what was happening but she didn’t really care. Not if it kept that smile on her son's face. Even if it was Ilya Rozanov that had put it there to begin with.
“Ilya!” Shane said happily and Yuna had stop herself from gasping because what the actual fuck was happening. She looked at Hayden and David but they both looked equally stunned. Rozanov was moving then quickly almost running the last few steps to get to Shane's side. Like he was afraid he would disappear if he wasn’t fast enough. Yuna wouldn’t have been surprised if that was a legitimate fear the boy had from the look on his face. When he finally reached him, Rozanov just stood there for a long while, his eyes flying over Shane's face. Yuna felt like she was interrupting something by watching but even so she couldn’t make herself look away.
Rozanov reached out to touch Shane's cheek but seemed to freeze at the last second and Yuna didn’t think it was possible but he seemed to pale even further. I looked like he was scared to touch. Like if he did it would confirm something horrible. Shane made the choice for him in the end. He leaned in the last millimetre of space between them and for a second Rozanov stood stock still like he was frozen in fear then he cupped Shaned cheek softly öike he was a delicate flower and leaned his forehead against Shanes Shane was still smiling but it was smaller now. He still hadn’t said anything but when Yuna looked at him, really looked at him she could tell that it was deliberate.
Rozanov leaned his forehead against Shane and it was like life flooded back into him as the tears began falling down his cheeks. They stayed there for all of five seconds before Rozanove moved and hid his face in Shane's neck with her son's prompting. Once there that’s when the boy fell apart completely. The sobs were probably the worst Yuna had heard in her life and she was pretty sure they would be heard in her nightmares. It felt like her heart was shattering and she felt her own tears pushing at the back of her eyes at the sight of them. Rozanov curled around her son like he was his life line. She watched Shane's smile fall slightly, wrapping his good arm around the other boy and holding him close letting him cry. It reminded her a little too much of herself and David after her car accident a few years back it made her ache. She watched Shane lean down and place a soft kiss on the blonde's head. The other boy pulled back and looked at him, his eyes were wide as tears kept rolling down his cheeks. The look in Shane's eyes told her that it hurt him to see the other boy cry. She wondered if Rozanov knew that, she wondered if the blond could read her son as well as her son seemed to be able to read him. Shane tried uselessly to wipe the tears away and Yuna couldn’t help but smile at the attempt. She saw Rozanov swallow his eyes flickering over Shane's face before he spoke.
“You scared me,” He said, his voice breaking slightly but he continued anyway. Yuna had to blink away tears. His voice was hoarse and he sounded so sad. “I thought you were dead, I thought- I thought I’d never get to see you again. I thought I’d never get to tell you.” She inhaled sharply at that because fuck. How many else were unaware of the fact that Shane was as fine as he could be. Shane's eyes seemed to widen as Rozanov spoke, tears pooling in his eyes. Rozanov didn’t notice as he pressed his face into Shane's chest still gripping onto Shane for dear life. Like he was scared the other would disappear if he didn’t and based on what he’d just said that was entirely possible.
For a long while no one spoke or even moved, except for Shane's hand running through Rozanov's hair. The boy's face was still pressed against Shane but all of the tension seemed to be draining out of him by the second. His eyes were closed and his breath was evening out too. Yuna was pretty sure he was asleep when Shane spoke softly.
“Tell me what?” She watched a tired smile stretch over Rozanov's lips as he replied.
“That I love you.” Shane blinked but then smiled softly leaning down placing another kiss in Rozanov's curls.
“I love you too” He said and Yuna knew in her soul that Shane meant it. Rozanov didn’t reply and she was pretty sure he was actually asleep now based on his breathing. She should probably have been more surprised than she was especially based on the looks David and Hayden were giving her but she found that she wasn’t. When she thought about it made sense. She looked back over at the couple in the hospital.
When she did she saw her son smiling softly but tiredly at another boy who was sleeping on his chest. And it felt right. Like it was meant to be that way. It made her smile because the sort of adoration that was on her son's face wasn’t something that appeared overnight, no. This was something old. Something that had been built over years. This was love. Pure and unfiltered. She had been so scared that her baby would never find it and now here he was holding onto and comforting a boy who looked at him like he hung the stars. Like he wouldn’t know how to breathe without him. She could care less about who the other boy was as long as he kept looking at Shane like he was the most important person in the room.
As she watched Shane fall asleep his hand still tangled in the boy's hair she knew that he would be alright. Because that boy would give her baby the world if he asked for it. She knew it, had seen it on his face. Shane had that look too, as he planted one last kiss on the sleeping boy.
They would be alright, both of them.
And if anyone even tried to touch either of them Yuna would be there with a gun.