Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

“Do you… need anything?”

He waited, for some reason he always did, but the crackle of another open can and the TV humming its vomit is all he got in return. He let the nails piercing into his hand uncurl and took a breath, not slamming the door on his way out. Fluorescent lights used to be fun, hotels were fun. He could hear his mom ranting on about the petri dish that was a hotel room in his head but it didn’t change the fact he was somewhere new and away.

—

“Get me a bucket of Ice”

Laying on top of their assortment of luggage like a throne was Michael Kaiser, one of the many debutantes of the Bastard Munchen U-20 team. Rummaging through a duffel on the other side of the room was Alexis Ness, his roommate for this teams’ outing.

“I’m not even changed yet, what are you on about?” This was his first time out of the house for real. Like real real real. His dad told him to bring allergy meds, first aid, water bottles for the tap change. His mom? You’ll have to get used to it if you plan on being out there, it shouldn’t be that big a deal. He settled for a pack of gum for the cabin pressure and some tissues if he cried during the movies he planned on watching. But now he’s in a room with Kaiser, the Michael Kaiser- the impossible that got him out of there in the first place. And if he just wants a bucket of ice maybe he can get it. Once he finds his clothes.

“Who cares? It’s just down the hall.” he slowly rolled to face him. He couldn't begin to pick apart that look he always gave him, back at try outs, right now. It was like he could see right through him.

“Then why don’t you get it? If someone sees me…” He finally found his gel, taking two quick guestimated pumps and rubbing it into his arm.

“Fine. If you’re too chicken, I’ll come with you.” He finally sat up, his towel going with him like a mantle. He moved it securely to his hips as he slugged the bucket up with a residual clang, a summoning.

“Wh- you’re naked too!”

“So?” He tapped the bucket to his side, “I have a towel.”

“I don’t know what if there’s like, paparazzi or something?”

“That’s why we’ll be quick” Kaiser threw a towel haphazardly to him as he started walking to the door. “Come on.”

Ness was quick to wrap it around his chest, creeping behind Kaiser as he peeped out the hall. A quick shove warped his world, and he was out in the open.

“Go, go, come on!” They ran down the hall till they reached a corner, the chill biting at his skin. The air conditioning in these hotels is ridiculous. He took another peak at their next turn. The coast was clear. As he went to look back and give Kaiser the go ahead, a hand rested on his arm.

“Hey don’t touch there!” 

“Why not?” Kaiser’s face soured, holding on.

“My testosterone’s on that arm, what if you get into like- I don’t know a doping scandal? It’s, not good...” Kaiser’s hand slid down to his wrist. Seemingly planning on dragging him along for the rest of the way.

“Let’s go.” 

The gritty carpet against his feet left the tingling of sparks against him, as they rushed to the little hole in the wall. He was quick to put the bucket in and press the lever- the loud clanging of the ice brought him and Kaiser to look at each other once again. Not good. They looked back and forth for anyone coming till the machine finally stopped, leaving them with the profound silence of buzzing fluorescent lights.

All clear.

“See, no problem. Let's get back to the room.” The thrum of urgency had gone as they shuffled back to the room side by side, bucket scooped up in Ness’ arms as they traced back to their hall. 

A click of a door behind them brings it all back.

“Go go go!” 

They scramble towards the room, bits of ice scattering as they slam the door behind them. They stared at each other as a pair of footsteps trailed across their door and faded away. Oblivion beyond the safety of their hotel room. That was close, really really close. And then there was a giggle. A giggle from Kaiser’s lips and he can't help but laugh with him, slumping down against the door, ice still cradled against him.

—

He had his own room, perks of being a star player. But it didn’t stop Kaiser’s petulant ass from blasting the TV through their shared wall. Stupid, stupid, stupid. This used to be everything. So thrilling and perfect and godawful but he craved these trips like the oxygen in his lungs. It was the U-20 World Cup, and he still felt like being anywhere but here. But no, he’d stay. Even though Kaiser left, even though he was only back to represent Germany, he was going to stay with him. He would get through to him. He would. He would.

He would maintain himself, for now, this vessel that could make the impossible possible. Stretch, cry, shave, cry, make his bed, lay down with a weighted blanket, cry. Almost send a text to Kaiser, don’t do that, no. Bad Ness. Maybe the next best thing to do is to just rest. Restore. Recuperate. He finally gave up on fighting the high maintenance routine, his shoulders relaxing- his heart far from it. Endless possibilities. They were all because of Kaiser, and now he had to make them himself, it just felt so hopeless. Walking into more trash, more dirty laundry, more yelling. It wasn’t sanitary, it wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t Kaiser. Though he wasn’t much closer to knowing what Kaiser even was at this point. A boy? Sure. A King? Of course. His star? He had to tell himself to stop lingering on it. Even if he had lit his way, there was just no doing that anymore. He really couldn’t do it anymore. As the TV continued to blare in a room he didn’t want to go back to tomorrow, he found himself slipping. As if a spell had fallen over him, a soothing balm over his rage, his frustration, a gift of sleep.

—

When he awoke, a cool light met his eyes, and he found himself staring out a window that wasn’t there before. He sat up, staring into the light, as his sight adjusted. In between the splices of shudders, he was greeted with the scenic visual of a parking lot.

A parking lot.

Huh.

Looking deeper, this wasn’t his hotel room at all. It was smaller, dimmer, the door was oriented on the other side of the room- gross gross gross. He rolled back over, balancing the feeling of the door on his back only to be met with a face full of blond hair.

“Mmph.” His early morning struggle seemed to wake the person next to him, rolling over and meeting him with dreary eyes.

“G’mornin… Why are you up so early?”

Kaiser?

Chapter Text

“Mihya!” He hadn't said that name in so long, it felt like cotton in his mouth.

That seemed to stir the sleep from his bedmate’s eyes, widening as he sat up a bit higher. “What is it?”

“I-” I’ve been waiting so long for you to come back, “What are you doing here?” The tense expression on Kaiser’s face softened, the sheets shifting as Kaiser made his way over him- his hands framing his face.

“Where else would I be?” It was coy and sleep-addled, and not good for Ness’ heart. Shit shit shit. He looked around for some reprieve only to be met with an arm on either side.

An arm with no tattoos?

He looked back, the uncanniness settling in that sentimental grin. His hair is so long, no dye or markings anywhere. Shit shit shit, who is this? What is this? Where is he? And he was getting really close wasn’t he?

“Ah! I’m sorry I gotta go to the bathroom real quick ahah.” He gently moved this impersonator’s hands aside as he shuffled to the nearest door and opened it.

“Alexis… that’s the closet.”

And it sure was, if the wall of hangers didn’t make it much clearer. He would never wear any of this stuff- Kaiser wouldn’t wear any of this stuff. Is this not-Kaiser’s home? How the hell did he even get here?

“Ahaha yeah- I’m so tired, let me just…” he couldn’t even come up with something believable to say, simply sliding to the next closest door and being relieved when met with cool tile. That was the only indicator he was in a bathroom considering he’d forgotten to turn on the light before, shrouded in darkness. He slowly peeped the door open again to reach a hand out. No light switch. Where the hell was the light switch. The sliver of light that came in finally uncovered it. It was inside. Okay, okay alright another piece of fodder to make him look even more suspicious he is so fucked. Fuck. He slammed the door and turned on the lights. He’s safe, he’s away. He breathes and looks in the mirror.

What the fuck happened to his hair? Looking into the mirror he was met with shortly trimmed bangs, a clean look even with the bedhead to boot. It was odd. Seeing his full face with such clarity, no coverage beyond the eyes- and wait when would there have even been time for this? This is terrifying. Now that he looked- what happened to all of him? He felt off. Really off. There were no calluses on his hands, and the ache of yesterday’s training seemed to be nonexistent despite his soreness when he went to bed. He looked further and in every detail it felt less and less like him, it was him but there was just no way. No. No way. He rolled up his sleeves- just to get some recognition beyond just his hands- that this was him. Scars. Tons and tons of scars on his arms no, no, no, no, no-

—

It had been a long practice and they finally settled into the locker room one by one. Kaiser had this habit. At least, that’s what Ness would call it: Always in the back corner, but always in front of Ness. In the cafeteria, on the bench, in the lounge, as far away as possible. Enough to look at everyone- but behind him it was always somewhat enchanting, he was the only one who got this view. Just one shoulder in front of the other and it was like they were in their own little world. It was special, and that’s how it was in the showers too. Ness had mixed feelings about the showers, he actually thinks he may have never used them at all if it weren't for Kaiser’s insistence early on. Skinship wasn’t his thing- to the surprise of many. He loved the rush of the plays on the field, and he even loved being lifted up and celebrated for his wins, but the firm pats on the shoulder and the half naked rough housing was… far from appealing.

“Kaiser, you need to use the cold water- I told you this.” He turned the knob as Kaiser was drowned in suds. He is not letting all his work go down the drain so fast.

“Ness what the shit!” He was met with a jab to the shin as he directed the now cold shower head at him.

“Hey, hey! I’m not the one who just dyed my hair.” After a few laughs they settled back to their routine, Kaiser seemingly accepting the cold water as he rinsed off. Blue speckled tile and soapy water finally made its way down the drain. Ness himself still had some time till he finished, his methods much more thorough than the generic shampoo and bodywash the club provided. As he lathered conditioner in his hair a voice came behind him.

“Okay I finished now let me warm up.” two cool palms rested on his shoulders and he couldn’t help but jump.

“Kaiser- you have your own shower just use that one!”

“Yeah but when you’re in front of me it won’t get in my hair.”

“If you want a hot shower so bad I can get you a shower cap.”

“No way, ‘s too itchy.”

They were at a crossroads. It wasn’t like Ness didn’t want him there but… what did this even mean? What was he supposed to do?

“Ness, what is that?”

“What is what?”

“That mark. On your thigh.”

Why are you looking at my thigh?

“Oh- it isn’t really anything, I did it a long time ago, it just- didn’t go away.” He just meant to brush it off, but the tension was still palpable.

“You don’t anymore?”

“No no! Not anymore.” He didn’t expect Kaiser to care much about it, it was such a small-

“Good. That’s disgusting.”

—

Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting. He was fucking disgusting, what happened to him? If Kaiser sees this? He’s never going to look at him again. If he doesn’t look at him they’ll never play again, they’ll never talk again, they’ll never-

“Alexis, is everything okay?” Oh shit he’s breathing so loud Kaiser- not Kaiser- can hear him. He’s never going to figure this out, it’s over, it’s over.

The world tilts hard as he hits his back and it’s cold everywhere, and he feels warm hands on his shoulders as it comes back into place.

“Alexis- hey, hey what’s wrong? Hey I’m right here.”

He shakes his head and he just can’t, stop, heaving.

“Alexis come on, I’m right here. You just gotta tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nnn, nno, no, no…” He can’t even get the words out, could he just grab him or call him stupid or something? Anything? Just reset him and put him back into shape, please.

The warmth from his shoulders move to everywhere and he can’t tell what’s up and down anymore. He just waits. Waits for something like a sting to come coursing through him and bring him back but nothing is fucking coming. And it’s just warm everywhere. Eventually, he just stops wondering how long he’s going to be here and settles into this. He doesn’t even know when his gasping starts sounding like breathing again, and he doesn’t know when staring into nothingness turned into staring at Kaiser. His brows are furrowed- but it’s not anger or annoyance, something else entirely is dancing in his eyes, aimed right at him.

“You back with me?”

He doesn’t know how to respond to that face, so he just nods dumbly. Waiting for the order of things to come falling into place.

“Do you wanna go get coffee with me?”

—

This was definitely not Kaiser, because he’d never go out like this. Untamed bedhead tucked under a cap, and he didn’t even change out of his pajamas.

“I’m surprised you actually got something, I expected a ‘I don’t need my cortisol levels to be higher than they already are.’”

That little comment made his skin crawl, eyes furrowing as he struggled to swallow, “mm?”

And that made the conversation die where it was, Not-Kaiser giving him a pointed look before taking a sip of his coffee, glancing away.

“Forget about it.”

The silence was drowned out by the clinking and chatter of the cafe, and it was the perfect excuse for him to squirm out real quick.

“Excuse me, I’ll be right back. Bathroom.” At least this time he wouldn’t need an excuse as to why he didn’t know where to go. As he slipped into the stall he pulled out his wallet. Not-Kaiser was kind enough to help him find it- and his keys, Here, you really need to get an airtag on these or something. He fumbled as he pulled it open to finally look at his little pocket of clues.

An ID, a student ID. It was definitely him there. ‘Alexis Ness’ next to the longer hair he was much more familiar with. ‘Card issued 2020’ underneath. 2020? That doesn’t make any sense, it was the middle of July. It was the U-20 World Cup 2019. He quickly pocketed it and took a breath before walking back out again. Not-Kaiser didn’t wave him back or anything, just kind of acted like he was always there. Or maybe like he was never there. Somehow, that was comfortable. Familiar.

“How is your coffee?” It would be good to at least try and act normal, try and act like two people that would share a bed and hold each other the way the morning seemed to imply.

“Mm?” It was Not-Kaiser’s turn to be wiped out by the attempt at conversation.

“Your coffee? Is it good? Did they make it how you like?” The Kaiser he knew wasn’t much of a coffee drinker, he wasn’t actually sure what he liked when it came to such things.

“Yeah. Yeah it’s fine.” He trailed off at the end as he took a peek at his phone.

“Look I have to go, okay? It’s just a two hour lecture but if you need anything call me. Go get some sleep or take a walk or something.” He rambled platitudes as he grabbed all his things, giving him a little pat pat on the cheek before walking out the cafe. “Bye Lexie.”

Huh. Maybe he had misread things a bit, maybe they weren’t… like that. Okay. At least he knew the way back to what he assumed was home. It wasn’t much of a walk- now that he thought about it, they probably were at a campus, not just some conveniently placed walkable area, that didn’t seem like the norm here. He went back up to the floor, tracing back his steps to the dorm. He went to put in the key and- huh. Didn’t work.

Looking again, the key number was different. 301. He walked down the hall till he reached a door with the same plaque and tried again. It worked! Looking both ways he slipped inside. He lightly shut the door. What was this? Some magical new reality? It didn’t even feel fantastical! In all honesty, it was fucking mediocre- or worse, except for Not-Kaiser. He had this stupid haircut, and these stupid scars, and… this stupid room.

He didn’t get much time to look but the room they had woken up in together- probably Not-Kaiser’s room- looked a lot more lively, to put it in the best of terms. Everything was beige, maybe grey in the trick of the light, but nothing notable. There was also nothing on the tables, nothing visible on the nightstand, only a picture frame out on the desk. It was a picture of Not-Kaiser. Not-Kaiser and who he can only assume to be, Not-Ness, kissing. They’re out in the snow, in some city he can’t quite place. He feels a heat rise in him. It seems he wasn’t wrong in his assumptions.

He shook it off, wrapping around to the other side of the bed- something shining on the table. His phone! It was here! Why had Not-Ness not taken it with him? He opened the screen and there were two notifications left on the display.

[One Missed Call from Mom]

[One Voicemail from Mom]

That was even more of a headache, he can’t even remember the last time he called his parents. He wanted to figure this out. He really, truly did, but he was frankly exhausted. Despite the panic, he was ready to figure this out later. Later later. He flopped onto the bed ready for a nap. The greatest thing about the simplicity around him was that it was at least cold when he hit his head on the pillow.

When he came to, the sun had already hung low enough to bleed into the window, oranges making the bland walls somewhat appealing. He overdid it, what was it, 8 when he had woken up before? And now it’s the middle of the afternoon. And he did not feel any better. There wasn’t much time to dwell on it as a buzzing started next to him.

Mom.

He picked up.

He waited in silence for a while. Since when was his Mom the one to call anyway? He remembered one time she faxed him when she threw away all his things from home. Then he had to call her, because Noa explained the fax machine was not for non-professional use.

Needless to say, he did not call his Mom, he did not know who his Mom was to have called him, what a greeting would even sound like.

“Alexis?”

Dear god.

“Hello, Mom.”

“Are you going to tell me the results for your experiment?”

His what?

He didn’t even know how to step around that one.

“Holding off information when you invited to tell it is unproductive, Alexis.”

“Ah yes! I’m sorry Mom, I… wanted it to be a surprise! I’m not ready yet.”

That seemed to be, not something he would say.

“This is abnormal. Get back to me. You know I’m not one for the unexpected unless there’s a breakthrough”

She hung up on him.

That was so much worse! He hated this. He hated this. This was not making him feel any better. Why couldn’t anyone just treat him how he knew they would treat him. His head hurt. The only thing he could think to do was look for answers. Answers in a spotless room, with nothing but something he could only hope to ignore propped right next to him. 

Let’s think positive, it was like exploring a dungeon. With booby traps. And secrets. And treasure. Isn’t that fun? Isn’t that fucking swell? He loved that shit. It was great. This would be fun. Why not start with the bed. It was perfectly made, for one. There was no hiding shit in there. Under it? He might have found something. Seemed to be a box. Maybe more of a chest, next to a basket full of journals. Cool. Nice. He decided to start with the chest. Much more alluring, much more in line with his dungeon story while he still accepted his current reality.

It was full of postcards. Beijing, New York, Guangzhou, Cambridge, Vienna.

Munich?

A postcard from Munich. A postcard from Munich in his handwriting. Addressed to himself. How fucking humerous.

There was a knock at the door, and that's the final crack that breaks his dungeon crawling fantasy. He goes to take a look through the peephole. It’s Not-Kaiser. He quickly opens it up.

“Mihya!” And, he’s lost again in that stare,”...Hello!”

He doesn’t respond, almost ignoring him entirely as he peeks his head in through the door. His eyes catching something. 

“You’re looking through the postcards from your parents?”

The what.

Kaiser makes his way past him, walking up to the box on the floor.

“I didn’t even know you kept them here, you’ve only shown me a handful of times.”

He didn’t even know what this was.

“Ah, yeah, I thought it was kinda fun.”

Kaiser looked at him again. Not-Kaiser looked at him again with a look he had once again never seen before. It looked beautiful on him, but, fucking terrifying. Like what he was saying mattered, more than what he was doing. Letting him touch his things, letting him have his way.

He didn’t touch him, or say anything though. He closed the box, and moved on like he never saw it.

“Did you end up getting some more rest?”

“Ah yeah, I did…”

“Good, I ordered take out.” Kaiser lifted the bag he brought him with a small smile, sitting on the floor as he started taking out containers one at a time.

It… really wasn’t Kaiser, that was for sure. Certainly it wasn’t his Kaiser. Ness sat down across from him as Not-Kaiser handed him one of the foam containers, condensation already spotting the top making a harsh, squishy sensation under his thumb. How was he supposed to react? What was his favorite food? What can he do for Not-Kaiser to stop giving him that little eyebrow raise every time he does something.

Was he that different?

Popping open the lid. It was Crab Rangoons. Great. He knows it’s not real crab- but it’s still fish and he would eat anything other than fish. Especially with the unease already curdling in his stomach. He looked up for a quick Not-Kaiser reaction, a little ‘go on’ look on his face. Well. If he didn’t hurry it’d be another ‘what is wrong with you’ face, so he did his best.

“Th-thank you! You really shouldn’t have.” Not-Kaiser’s little smile returned to his face as he started opening the other containers.

Maybe him and this Ness were different. Who eats just Crab Rangoons. For dinner. He didn’t like the fish taste, but he could eat it. Especially drenched in sweet chili sauce, it’ll be fine. Eating food you don’t like is a performance of its own, bordering on mechanical if you aren’t a true master of the craft- a careful cycle of movements until suddenly, half your plate is gone. It is eerily silent as they eat. But they’re eating together at least, that had to mean something. Even if coffee had also been kind of awkward too. He wondered what Not-Kaiser and Not-Ness Talked about. He wondered why he never kept count. He wondered why Not-Kaiser came here compared to his clearly much more loved and lived in room. Maybe he should say something. Like there’s not even a TV. His Kaiser loves the TV.

“Have you watched anything interesting recently?” He got that out between chews, he forgot he was even eating. That’s how good his strategy was, it seemed. He nearly forgot to swallow at the glimmer in Kaiser’s- Not-Kaiser’s eyes. Maybe he had hit something!

“No, no not really. Finals have been so rough, I haven’t been doing much you haven't seen,” He continued to talk between bites, “How about you?”

“Oh, I haven't been watching much of anything either.” Silence. Again. 

How was he supposed to get through this impenetrable wall? How was even a Kaiser with so much warmth hard to get through to. Now that he thinks of it. When had he ever gotten through to Kaiser, he was the one that took the reins, that reached the first hand out. It always was Kaiser- and if it weren’t Kaiser, he would slip through his fingers all over again.

“Do you need anything? Before I go.” He hadn’t even noticed Not-Kaiser putting all the containers back in the bag.

“Uh- no, I’m all good! Thank you so much. For the meal.”

He’s walking out the door and who knows if he’s coming back. If this morning was some fluke and he was just going to be alone in this universe- forever. If he was going to be left to slip thorough again.

“Um, Micha.”

He stopped, just for a moment. His one chance.

“Goodnight, see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight.” If he hadn’t said anything it would’ve been like he never heard him at all, already turning away and walking out the door.