Chapter Text
If you would take, you must first give.
This is the beginning of intelligence according to the Taoists. A quote Wonbin’s mom practically lives by. A quote, until three years ago, Wonbin held close.
Of course, he knows better now. He’s aware that giving doesn't always mean you'll receive something back. In fact, as shocking as it may seem, those who continuously give end up with absolutely nothing. Despite this, people give and give and give in hopes it comes back in some way or another. Give to their churches, give to their communities, give to their families. All to only gain some self-righteous satisfaction. A sort of coping mechanism created to ease the reminder of inevitable mortality in human beings.
Wonbin finds most people don’t realize this until faced with death. When those who already have one foot in the grave look back on their lives, they have to face the realization that all the giving amounted to an adorned body (that is, a body covered in endless platitudes), but an empty husk of the self. It might even be the reason people are more willing to let go of the world entirely. Would it not be easier to give up that last breath in semi-ignorant bliss than to hold out for however long you could, giving your regrets time to form and fester inside?
Wonbin knows this because he died three years ago. He died and is now forced to walk the world in his empty husk. Regret forever dragged the ground behind him.
Wonbin is what Lao Tzu never considered when he wrote or uttered those famous words. What most people don’t consider when they go about their lives full of giving.
Wonbin is a creature that only takes. Wonbin is a vampire.
—
The wind moves some flimsy trees back and forth, the occasional car passes by, a singular child skips home, taking his time not to touch any crack on the ground. Wonbin wonders where the parents of said child are until he remembers: it’s August. Oh yeah, school is starting again. Time goes by so fast.
Silly thought, considering time for him is at an ultimate standstill. Whatever, old human idioms die hard.
A squirrel runs up a tree, a leaf begins its slow descent from the same tree, two birds turn into three birds perched on a phone line, and Wonbin is so, so, so… bored. Because of the effortless running of his mind, he finds nothing calming about the outside anymore, so that’s enough window watching, he decides.
With a heavy sigh, maybe more on the dramatic side since he’s alone and allowed to wallow, Wonbin pushes himself back from the windowsill. It creaks under his weight; he subconsciously cringes. The sound brings him back to reality. It is a reminder that he is in his room, taking up space, and doing nothing with his time. With nothing else to do, he physically tries to shake this thought out of his brain. Window watching for any longer than fifteen minutes is near torture; thinking in silence will give him a headache; lying in bed makes him feel like even more of a wasted body.
Wonbin sighs, a little less theatrically this time, in defeat as he begrudgingly takes a couple of steps to his desk and stares at the computer monitor. It’s so bright he has to squint to read the small print amidst the blinding white light. Still, Wonbin never bothered figuring out how to change it. On his list of things to do, monitor brightness ranks exceptionally low. Plopping himself back on the old wooden chair, he puts his chin in his hand as he reads over the tabs already pulled up.
ShiroKim77:Cyworld>MiniHompy—Missing People in Dongdaemun?
Naver Search—Park Hyoshin music sheets
Cyworld>Club:TrueandSpooky
Already on the club tab. Wonbin skims over what he had missed in the chat since he had taken a break.
Tonyangdeok: So do you think there are a lot of vampires in Seoul?
Wonbin grimaces at his own question. No matter how many chat rooms or forums he interacts with on the worldwide-web he always feels a tinge of embarrassment. Nobody ever understands the weight of his questions, mistaking his need for answers as conspiratorial theorizing.
SoodimXOXO: Not sure I think they’re more native to Europe
Hyun520: idk i don’t research vampires I’m more into things like ghosts
OowoO: zomg no way you think vampires are just in europe???? Lololol of course if they exist they are everywhere. i dont know how many. obvs
SoodimXOXO: In seoul though? Don’t think that’s a very good environment for them
Won07Lee: What is a “good environment” for a vampire?
BOALOV3: If there are any vampires in Seoul they are greedily hoarding their immortality. Share with the rest of us please XD
OowoO: lololololol
Won07Lee: lololol lets start the hunt lololol
Wonbin is about to type back a response. Something along the lines of: What happened to this being a serious investigative chatroom? until a succession of rapid, but oddly rhythmic, knocks at his bedroom door startles him. Before he even has the chance to answer, the knocker barges in.
A man slightly shorter than Wonbin, with baggy attire and light brown hair sticking out from all sides, comes in with clunky headphones on, bopping his head and exaggeratedly dancing around the room. He makes almost pained-looking expressions at Wonbin, like it’s supposed to make him laugh. Wonbin is unamused.
“What was that tune?” Wonbin questions, knowing his friend has the volume up too high. He looks at Wonbin in confusion, trying to read his lips instead of doing the normal thing and just taking his headphones off.
“Huh?” he asks, leaving his mouth hanging open at the end of the word. Just to piss off Wonbin a bit more, no doubt.
Wonbin rolls his eyes and stands up, yanking the headphones off his friend and letting them clatter onto the hardwood floor. He yelps in surprise and dives after them. “I asked what that tune was that you were knocking? Sohee, did you come here just to push my buttons or do you need something?”
Sohee turns back with a scoff, holding up each side of his headphones to his ear to make sure they’re still working properly. All the same, he’s still smiling.
“I'm sorry, my almighty price.” He mocks, “It’s Parasite by Nell. It’s from their new album, you know the guitar is fucking crazy man we need to find time to do a little cover or something.”
Wonbin ignores him. “If that’s what you came here for, there's the door.”
“What’s got your panties in a twist? I came here ‘cus Halmeoni asked Mom if I could grab that box of random junk from the extra room.” Sohee defends and puffs out his chest a little.
“So~” Sohee sing-songs “I was just checking in on my best friend. Am I not allowed to do that?”
Wonbin smirks. “Halmeoni is my best friend now, didn’t she tell you? We hang out way more than you and I do anymore.”
At this, Sohee musters what is probably all the strength in that tiny body and pushes Wonbin down onto the bed next to the desk.
“I can get you kicked out of here so fast, don’t pretend like you’re Halmeoni's favorite ever. EVER!” Sohee laughs in a forced maniacal manner as he calls out loud enough for the entire house to hear. “Halmeoni! WONBIN IS LYING ON YOUR NAME!” Wonbin throws a pillow at his smug face.
“Shut the fuck up, Halmeoni is going to do worse to you if you keep screaming in her house.”
One thing to know about Sohee: he’s always been the most beautiful pain in Wonbin’s side.
Aside from Wonbin’s parents, Sohee is the most constant thing in his life. When Wonbin’s dad got relocated to Ulsan during sophomore year, his quiet nature made it almost impossible for him to make any friends. People would try, would come up to him and spark conversation, but with very little to say, Wonbin always ended up making it awkward. Better to be alone than to stress over what to say next every sentence, so soon people stopped talking to him altogether. Kids, as kids do, misread his personality as Wonbin thinking he was above them. With how small the school was, word would get back to him eventually. Most of them considered him a stuck up new pretty boy. The only way Wonbin could bear going back there every day was by reasoning that he only had a couple of years left before leaving it all behind. Being called pretty wasn’t the worst thing in the world either.
That is until the second semester. During the break, Wonbin’s mom encouraged him to take up an extracurricular. Never one to disappoint, Wonbin joined the music club that fall. There he met Lee Sohee. A 5 '6 freshman who had so much gel in his hair, Wonbin had thought it was a helmet at first glance.
—
“Hey, Wonbin right?” Once Wonbin nodded in confirmation, the boy’s smile brightened, and he brought his face closer to whisper. “Everyone’s saying your dad’s doing a secret military operation here; is that true?” he says with a slight lisp Wonbin automatically attributes to his wired braces.
Wonbin wasn’t aware that his addition to the school was still a hot topic of rumors. There really was a shortage of things to talk about. “My dad works for Hyundai.” Surprisingly, his blasé answer brought more of a sparkle to the boy's eyes. He gasps dramatically, darting his head around in disbelief until he faces Wonbin again.
“No fuckin’ way, my dad does too! He’s an assembler. He’s always bitchin’ about how Hyundai under appreciates its workers, but like what else are ya gonna do in Ulsan, y'know?" Sohee’s talking so fast Wonbin has to lean back so the spit ricocheting off his braces won’t land on him.
Wonbin has a funny thought, something he wants to say, but it stays sealed behind his teeth. He can never be sure how people would react or interpret it. The boy doesn’t look easy to offend, but it’s safest to stay quiet.
“Sohee, by the way, not my dad’s, but that’s my name. I'm a “freshie” I guess, but I hate that term. I'm not, like, new to this school at all; my sisters both go here. I’ve been here a bunch before, so I know the place pretty well.” He is blubbering, and Wonbin thinks he can sense some nervousness in his voice and fidgety mannerisms.
Sohee’s looking at him now, waiting for him to say anything. At this point most people just take the hint and turn away; Sohee is actively avoiding any hint, it seems. He still sports an inviting gaze, as if Wonbin could say anything and he wouldn’t leave. It was an unspoken reassurance. Wonbin can’t help but laugh softly at his nervous smile.
“If your dad is looking for a new job, I guess the military is looking for someone to do their secret operations.” Sohee squints like he doesn’t get it; Wonbin inwardly panics. It only lasts for a fraction of a second before Sohee is barking out a laugh and shoving Wonbin’s shoulder.
“Dude, shut the hell up.” It wasn’t that funny, but Sohee’s reaction had him smiling. Pride fills Wonbin’s chest, like he won a prize he had no clue he was in the running for.
“I’m your hyung, by the way.” Wonbin playfully glares.
Sohee stares blankly before falling back into his shoving and laughing routine. “Hyung, shut the hell up.”
—
Even though Wonbin made some friends with others in his music club and even in different classes, he always considered Sohee his best friend. They did everything together. Whenever their parents agreed, they spent the night at each other's houses and made up songs, vowing to go busking once they perfected them. Wonbin would help Sohee style his big poofy hair, and Sohee would do his best to drag Wonbin out of his ceaselessly worried head.
Sohee was Wonbin’s first kiss, and vice versa. Something they both constantly make fun of the other for to this day. Wonbin came out to Sohee his senior year, and Sohee came out to Wonbin the year after. Sohee followed Wonbin to the same college. Wonbin followed Sohee to the same hospital job. Then, when Wonbin needed a place to move, Halmeoni had offered Wonbin one of her rented rooms for half the price she charged past tenants. Though he’d never say it out loud, Sohee was his family.
Unfortunately, none of this makes Sohee any less annoying.
“What are you doing on here?” Sohee is pointing at the desktop when Wonbin looks up. Shit.
Wonbin can’t make up any lies fast enough and instead jumps up to cover the monitor.
“None of your business.”
“Really?” Wonbin inwardly braces for the scolding Sohee thinks he needs to deliver, irritation already filling his empty veins.
“I try to be sensitive about these things for you but…” He pauses, trying to find the right words. “To me, it looks like you're snooping into trouble. Trouble for you is trouble for me y’know.”
Sohee means well, Wonbin tries to remind his itching tongue. Maybe he didn't need to hear the sensitivity comment, and he suspects it will stick with him for eternity, but he knows Sohee means well. So he says nothing. He supposes his silence is better than lying.
Sohee sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head to make a show of his disappointment. “Dude, this isn’t good for you. It’s not safe. You know what Seunghan said–”
“Well, where is he? It’s been so long! How much longer am I supposed to wait, huh?” Wonbin’s voice rises, and whatever Sohee was about to say dies out on his tongue. He looks like a kicked puppy now. Made even worse by his perpetual baby features. Wonbin feels guilty, but even more, he feels Sohee is trying to place a bandage over a gushing wound not yet fully disinfected. Sohee knows Seunghan is a touchy subject. He’s not even sure how Sohee can say his name without a plethora of emotions surging forward.
One simple stupid word of Seunghan’s name and Wonbin’s head fills with him. Seunghan’s face at every angle, distorted by time. All the voices he’s become somewhat good at drowning out hit his brain at full force. He can hear the honking of cars five miles down the road; he can hear Halmeoni Lee humming an old song downstairs in the kitchen; he can hear Sohee’s own heartbeat drumming faster and faster, like he fears something. Wonbin’s hollow chest aches thinking of what it might be. All this and he still can’t hear Seunghan anywhere, not a single peep. He’s never been able to. It pisses him off like nothing else ever has.
—
Hong Seunghan came into Wonbin’s life two months into his sophomore year of college. Wonbin has a pattern of meeting some of the most important people he’ll ever meet in his sophomore year of school. Seunghan and Sohee were roommates who shared almost every class together, so it’s a little surprising he hadn’t met him sooner. Hell, he’d heard about him enough though.
“You’d love him; he's so funny.” Sohee would rave. “He’s studying to be a nurse just like us.”, “He knows all the niche indie places to visit; you’d love this one cafe—” Seunghan this, Seunghan that. Wonbin wouldn’t admit it, but this Seunghan guy just sounded annoying. Was he jealous? Yeah, maybe, Sohee was always better and faster at making friends. Still, the constant talking about him almost made Sohee seem obsessive. Something Wonbin had never seen from him.
It all made sense when Wonbin visited Sohee’s room for a study sesh. He knew Seunghan was gonna be there and figured he’d meet him eventually. What he wasn’t expecting was a pair of captivating eyes staring at him the moment he stepped into the room. The man, presumably Seunghan, looked as if a cat had made a wish to be turned into a human. The corners of his lips turned up into a small smile. Even with his long black hair and intimidating stylish clothing, his features gave off a comforting ease.
With all the years put in silently observing, Wonbin considered himself well versed in reading people’s faces. Seunghan looked like an open book casually inviting Wonbin to skim over the pages. However, those eyes were the entire essence of his face. Seunghan’s eyes were a simple light brown, but there was a grey, almost opalescent tone underneath that gleamed with every movement of his head. They were mesmerizing. Wonbin felt like a creep, but he couldn’t look away. It’s as if he had been sailing damned seas, throwing him to and fro his whole life and suddenly, finally, a light had appeared to guide him to shore. Wonbin could name four songs off the top of his head he’d dedicate to those eyes.
“Wonbin hyung Seunghan, Seunghan Wonbin hyung.” Sohee introduced. Wonbin blinks back into reality, his face heating up. Sohee is going to bring this up when they’re alone; he just knows it.
“Hey.” Wonbin walks forward. Pretending his world wasn’t just thrown completely off axis for a minute. Seunghan chuckles, and it’s like Wonbin’s whole heart was cut out and splayed on the floor for everyone to gawk at.
“Hey. Good to finally put a face to the name, Sohee tells me you’re the bomb when it comes to sociology.” Wonbin snorts.
“The bomb? Yeah, that sounds like Sohee.”
“Hey! I’m right here, jackass!” Sohee pushes Seunghan, who is laughing at Wonbin’s jab, then gets up from his spot on the bed to “beat” Wonbin up. “Everybody says ‘the bomb’ man; it's a saying!”
They’re all laughing by the time Sohee wrestles Wonbin to the floor. From then on, Seunghan joined their little band as if he'd always been there. Going to every party together (most times Wonbin is coerced into it by those damn eyes), Wonbin giving them advice about the professors the two younger would have in the upcoming semester, Study sessions that would ultimately turn into gossip sessions while listening to new CDs any one of them would pick up.
Wonbin gravitated towards the rock genre most often. Every aspect of a rock song carried intrigue. The lyrics, the melody, the guitar, the drums—they all had something specific to say, and they came together to make a splotchy imperfect story. Wonbin physically felt every song’s unafraid eagerness to simply exist and envied the music's easy conveyance of emotion. Each song was like a proper sermon to Wonbin.
Seunghan knew about Wonbin’s affinity for rock and, on his birthday junior year of college, bought him an electric guitar. It had a red and white body, with Park Wonbin engraved in black on the left end of the body. Wonbin had never gotten a better gift.
Sohee had bought a plastic bag full of guitar pics and a guitar stand. Seunghan asked Wonbin if he was happy with the gifts. Wonbin just hugs them. Willing the tears to dissipate before he lifted his head. He couldn’t say what he was really feeling. He couldn’t tell Seunghan or Sohee how grateful he was for them. The words stuck somewhere between his trachea and vocal cords. Instead, he’d wipe his teary eyes on their shoulders and hope that was enough of a clue.
Sometimes it’d just be the two of them. Seunghan and Wonbin. Sohee always had clubs or other friends he’d hang out with. Seunghan was more on the introverted side, much like Wonbin, and preferred to stay at the dorms. Which was always hard for Wonbin to wrap his head around. Seunghan was so charismatic with others when they were out, he played the part of fun house guest so perfectly, why wouldn’t he want to spend his time surrounded by people clearly so smitten with him?
“Why’d you give up on music?” Seunghan had once asked Wonbin. It was just them eating takeout and listening to music at near-max volume. CDs strewn around the living room of the three’s shared Goshiwon. They’d let an album play all the way through, give the album a ranking of 1-10, then move on to the next.
“You should really ask Sohee that. He’s the one who wanted to grow up to be a celebrity.” Wonbin forces a laugh, attempting to turn the tides of this oncoming convoluted conversation; he's never really sure what the appropriate response is.
Seunghan crawls up from the floor, fork in mouth, and turns the volume dial down quite a few notches. Great, Wonbin worries. Now my Mazzy Star album is going to be associated with this moment forever.
“Oh, you can believe I already asked Sohee. He said it had something to do with career instability.” Seunghan is looking at Wonbin so intently. Wonbin can feel it, but he'd much rather dig through his salad looking for extra croutons than read whatever those eyes are trying to say to him.
“It’s a fair reason. I was just curious if yours was the same?” Wonbin takes in a small breath and looks up at Seunghan. His eyes, as usual, were so inviting. Much like Sohee, Seunghan had a way about him that said You can tell me anything, and I’ll stay. Very much unlike Sohee, Seunghan was someone Wonbin was absolutely in love with. He had been for so long he couldn’t remember when it even started.
Wonbin wasn’t one for taking idiotic risks though; he knew Seunghan was untouchable. He seemed to give every person he met one hundred percent of his love. It was never only for Wonbin. A selfish part of himself, maybe too big, was angry at Seunghan for that. It could be equivalent to stringing someone along if it weren’t Seunghan’s basic code for living. So Wonbin wouldn’t entertain the idea of them ever being more than friends. Maybe a couple of hookup scenarios would enter his head before drifting off to sleep, but that would be as far as he’d ever go.
“It is the same.” Wonbin shrugged. “Neither of us come from well-off families, and being a gay musician, no matter the success, comes with its own set of challenges. I’d just rather not.”
Seunghan slowly nods. “So those songs you write? You’re not going to do anything with them?” He asks so casually as if Wonbin doesn’t feel like he's just been caught in a bear-trap. First, he showed no one his songs, not even Sohee. Second, even if Seunghan saw him writing, the fact that they were songs was a bit of a leap to make.
Wonbin must be looking at him funny because Seunghan lets out a loud laugh, swinging his head so far back he begins to teeter. “I’m sorry. I promise I didn’t intend to find them! You write them in the same green notebook you wrote your pharmacology notes in!” He defends, and now Wonbin is sure someone broke in and has turned the thermostat up to a thousand.
"Don't be embarrassed, Hyung, please! I only saw one!” Seunghan quickly crawls over to him and puts his hands onto Wonbin's crossed knees, shaking him a little in his pleas. Wonbin can’t look at him. Fuck, those were so corny. He racks his brain for the least embarrassing one in the notebook and nope. It is so over for Wonbin. They’re all cheesy as hell and definitely NOT meant for anyone else's eyes.
“For what it’s worth,” Seunghan says, softer this time, trying to meet Wonbin’s eyes, but Wonbin will not look at him, no, never again probably. “For what it’s worth, I think, even if you never do anything with them, it’s really good writing.”
“Stop lying. I don’t want your pity,” he forces another laugh to the ground. Out of his periphery, Seunghan stands up. Wonbin hears him groan as he stretches and finally lifts his head to watch him pick up the food wrappers scattered around the floor.
“I wouldn’t have brought them up if I didn’t think they were good.” He reasons before walking three steps to the kitchen and throwing the garbage away. “Have more faith in yourself.” And even though Wonbin will replay and analyze this conversation for the rest of the day, he knows Seunghan really means it.
The day Wonbin died was among his most enjoyable. Something he now considers his own version of terminal lucidity. Wonbin got through his graduation ceremony. His mom, dad, Sohee, Sohee’s entire family, and of course, Seunghan had been in attendance and obnoxiously cheered when he had his diploma handed to him. He went out to eat with his parents, who couldn’t stop cooing and praising him. Wonbin’s father had asked about his plans, and before he even got to respond, his mother scolded, telling him to enjoy the moment and give Wonbin a break. Wonbin laughed, a hearty laugh, one only his parents' bickering could ever pull out of him.
Truth is, Wonbin had a plan, of course he had a plan. To Wonbin, life without plans was stillness. Sinking instead of swimming. No, Wonbin would plunge back into the pool as soon as possible. Five months from now, he’d be taking a residency at a hospital closer to Ulsan while simultaneously continuing his studies to obtain a Masters in Science. Being able to move back in with his parents was the ultimate win here, but Wonbin resolved to wait and tell them closer to the time of the move. Sohee advised his parents would want him to move in as soon as possible, and they still had their Goshiwon rented out for three more months.
When Wonbin got back to the Goshiwon, he immediately changed into his pajamas, sifting through his CDs, trying to find the best wind-down album. Seunghan and Sohee had already gone off to a party. One Wonbin had to fight tooth and nail to get out of, knowing he’d much rather unwind alone.
“Perfect,” Wonbin whispered to himself before popping his Sound Shock CD into the player. Letting the album play as it is. He bobs his head to the first song and unabashedly dances as the track gradually gets more upbeat. Strutting towards the fridge, he grabs a soju and drinks as he lets his limbs find the rhythm. The stress of the last year flies away with every twist and turn his body takes.
By the time Wonbin finishes the bottle, the album plays its fifth track, and he loudly chants the lyrics, stomping his feet until he feels the back of his legs hit the couch. Gravity pushes him down, and he laughs to nobody but himself at the tumble. All those parties and still a lightweight? He teases himself. One deep breath later, Wonbin feels his eyelids getting heavy. The small couch, though it could not fit his entire body, was too comfortable to leave. He digs deeper into the cushions and allows sleep to overcome him.
It couldn’t have been more than a couple of hours later when Seunghan barges through the door and startles Wonbin awake. Wonbin jumps from the couch, his grogginess and the creek in his neck mostly ignored to focus on the stumbling Seunghan trying to make his way to his room.
“Too much, huh?” Wonbin sympathetically pouts at him as he moves to close the door Seunghan left open.
“Wonbin…” Seunghan calls. It’s weak and not at all like the Seunghan Wonbin is used to seeing. In fact, Wonbin doesn’t think he’s ever seen Seunghan not be able to hold his liquor.
Wonbin bends down and gently strokes Seunghan’s back. Soaring jitters fill his stomach at the thought of helping a drunk Seunghan settle for the night, and for some reason he feels guilty. If it were Sohee, Wonbin would simply tell him to sleep it off on the floor. Seunghan doesn’t get like this though, and the thought of him being the one he comes home to at the end of a long night does more to Wonbin than he wants to admit to himself.
“Hey Seunghan, let’s get you to bed.” Wonbin whispers as he goes to brush the hair out of Seunghan’s face. Not the correct move, so it seems, as he pushes Wonbin off himself, using the back of the couch as a crutch to get back on his feet himself. Wonbin is stunned into stillness.
“m sorry. ‘ont feel sgood.” Seunghan slurs. As he rolls his head up, Wonbin sees blood around the corner of his mouth. He wants to stay calm but cannot help the small gasp that comes out of his mouth. He wants to make sure there are no other wounds, but he’s stuck in place.
“Did you get into a fight?” Wonbin doesn’t wait for an answer and instead decides to make himself useful by heading to the bathroom for the first-aid kit.
“Ew should sees the other guy.” Wonbin jumps at the closeness of Seunghan’s voice, contents of the kit falling all over the floor. He zips around to a chuckling Seunghan standing at the bathroom door. Wonbin hopes his glare is enough of a sign that Seunghan is pushing his limits.
“If you feel good enough to scare me, you can fix yourself up.” Wonbin chides. hands in the air as he watches Seunghan lean down to pick everything up.
“thanksh hyung, I got it from ere.” and it looks like he genuinely does. Wonbin still feels dizzy from that idiotic scare moments ago, now realizing the alcohol hasn’t fully left his system either.
“I’ll get you a glass of water, then go to bed. Whatever happened, you’ll have to tell me in the morning.”
Seunghan comes out of the bathroom a few minutes later. He has a bandaid that’s already starting to peel off where the blood used to be. Wonbin watches him from the couch as he moves towards their tiny kitchen area to grab the water on the counter. Seunghan takes the tiniest sip before setting the glass back down. It seems he’s much more interested in a staring contest with Wonbin than getting rehydrated.
“Seriously hyung. You’re too good to me.” He blurts and Wonbin scoffs, trying his best to keep the annoyed facade up. His eyes suddenly find interest in anything that is not Seunghan. Still, he can’t help the heat rising to his face. He’s always hated how fast Seunghan is able to push every single button Wonbin has.
“Gee thanks, took you long enough to notice.” Wonbin grumbles. It didn’t come out how he wanted, and now he feels like a petulant child, made all the worse by Seunghan’s chuckle that follows.
“No… I noticed before,” Seunghan replies slowly while making his way towards the couch. Something about this is bringing back the jitters in Wonbin’s stomach, stop stop stop he tries to will them away.
“I notice a lot of things.” He’s crouched in front of Wonbin. His speech is becoming better, but he’s wobbling, unable to keep his balance. Wonbin has a response stuck in the back of his throat. He wants to take over the situation; it’s becoming a lot all at once; he’s intimidated. Yet, he will not move; he will not speak. The small part of him wanting to hear where this is going overpowers the rest of his body telling him to do something.
“I notice how big your eyes get when you’re worried, I notice how you wait until your bangs cover your eyes to cut your hair,” He pushes some loose strands out of Wonbin’s face, letting his fingers rest on the side of his cheek. Wonbin thinks he must still be dreaming. He leans into the touch just the slightest bit. His heart is beating so fast he’s sure he’ll vomit it up soon.
“I notice your heartbeat gets faster when it’s just me and you.” Caught. Wonbin lets out a weak laugh at the coincidence. “I notice how much you keep to yourself, and I wonder—I wonder what I could do to get you to open up. To see you how I see you.” Suddenly, Seunghan's mouth connects with his, and Wonbin loses all inhibitions. If this is a dream, may God never wake him up.
The kiss starts off gentle; one peck turns into two turns into hands running through hair and shaky breaths. Wonbin has never been so hungry. Probably something to do with him not getting any action in a while, but he knows Seunghan is the biggest influence on his eagerness.
Seunghan nips at his bottom lip and with a single gasp from Wonbin, he finds his opportunity to slide his tongue in, slowly licking around his entire mouth as if he was committing it to memory. It sends a chill up Wonbin’s spine. He needs more—more contact, more connection. He knows he can’t tell Seunghan what he’s always wanted to, but he can show him.
Wonbin pushes his entire torso forward, trying to gauge if Seunghan’s heart is beating as fast as his own. If Seunghan wants this just as much as Wonbin. Seunghan takes this as a cue to climb onto the couch over Wonbin. Hit foot hits the shelf as he’s scooting himself up, a few CDs fall out, and their old-as-dirt CD player kick starts into the same album Wonbin had on earlier. They both giggle into small kisses as the funky song starts back up.
Wonbin can’t contain his sighs and squirming once Seunghan kisses down his neck onto his chest. Looking at the scene from an outside point of view, it’s embarrassing. Wonbin turned to putty so instantly. The jitters that come with each squeeze Seunghan gives his waist take him out of his embarrassment. Seunghan kisses with a smile, and Wonbin’s head is reeling thinking about what it might mean. He wants to say something but refuses to do anything that might break the moment; anything he’d try to say would come out a mess, anyway.
If Wonbin were a better man, he would have pushed Seunghan away and told him to talk in the morning. If Wonbin were a smarter man, he would have asked Seunghan where all of this was coming from. If Wonbin were a more attentive man, he would have noticed the bandaid falling off a while ago to reveal no wound on Seunghan’s mouth. If Wonbin weren’t so enamored, he wouldn’t have ignored the odd metallic taste of Seunghan’s mouth.
A suck on Wonbin’s neck pulls moans out of his mouth like a spell. Seunghan bites down, a little nip, another airy moan. Seunghan licks and bites again, this time with more force. Wonbin gasps. It felt like Seunghan had broken skin. Something warm dribbles along his neck, and he’s trying not to panic as his trance is broken and his mind races.
“Hey, Seunghan, hey.” He tries to pull Seunghan’s face up, but his grip is too strong. He’s tapping Seunghan’s back to get to him. “Seunghan, it hurts, hey.” he tries, feeling his breath become more shallow and his head even dizzier. Wonbin's taps turn into smacks that ultimately have no effect.
Seunghan can’t hear him, or isn’t listening to him. Fear grips Wonbin. His limbs are flailing and pushing Seunghan, but none of it is of any use. Out of his left ear, he hears obscene slurps and moans from Seunghan; the jitters turn into something more venomous in his stomach. Out of his right ear, he hears the song still blaring, almost mocking him, singing of a person catching onto their love’s true feelings. It all fades away as Wonbin’s vision gets blurrier and blurrier. If Wonbin were a better man, he would have seen all the warning signs. He lets his body go limp.
All Wonbin ever was now drains with his blood. This can’t be it, he thinks; but then, maybe everyone thinks that when they die. Tears and snot mix onto his face as he slowly loses the strength to fight. He thinks of all the things he could have done, not just today but throughout his entire existence. What was he really going to do with his life? Just survive? Mundane and unnoticed? What a waste of a body. So, sure, take his blood. It was really never of any use to anyone before he supposes as he shuts his eyes for the last time of his human life.
—
Wonbin hears the front door open, happy to drop their conversation and raise an eyebrow at Sohee instead of asking outright.
Sohee scratches his neck. “Oh yeah, uh, new tenant. He’s taking the room next to yours. That’s why Halmeoni told Mom to grab that junk box.” He explains like it all makes perfect sense.
Wonbin is… shocked to say the least. Nevermind them not informing him beforehand, how did either of them expect a stranger to be living in any proximity to Wonbin? Work was one thing; home, an entirely bigger issue. “A new tenant? Is she crazy?”
“Well, yes, but she said he’s paying more than what was asked, and you know how much it takes to live here.”
Right, and Wonbin’s eyes squeeze a bit at the mention of the hard time Halmeoni is having, knowing he’s part of the problem paying much less for his room. He’s had this conversation with her, knows she’d let him live here freely if he would allow it. Still, the scenarios of every bad thing that could happen because of this run through his head on a 500-mile-per-hour loop. Just spinning and spinning. “I can’t have another tenant living here Sohee, What if I do something?”
“Well, what about Shotaro?”
“Shotaro is always on tour or out; it’s different.” Wonbin can’t believe he has to explain this right now. “Not to mention I’ve known Shotaro longer than... than I’ve even been like this.”
It’s never easy to say. Wonbin’s not sure how he would even say it outright. Longer than I’ve been dead? Longer than I’ve turned into a vampire? It’s all just very weird to hear. The words break in his voice and stutter on his tongue until he’s forced into the most indirect way of saying it.
“Halmeoni said you guys have different schedules, so it’s rare you’ll ever really run into each other. Chill out Wonbin.” Sohee grabs Wonbin’s limp arms and softly shakes his entire body. His eyebrows draw together, his eyes look concerned and a little sad. It’s hard to look at him when this is the face Wonbin sees most often anymore.
“You're not an evil monster.” It’s over a whisper. And it’s said almost as if Sohee is tired of repeating himself. He’s trying to drill positive affirmations into Wonbin’s head, unbeknownst to him that Wonbin already knows. He knows he’s not inherently evil; it’s not like he wished this for himself. Still, it's something dangerous that he doesn’t know enough about. It makes sense for him to be scared. Wonbin looks down at the floor and gently removes Sohee’s arms from his sides.
“I should sleep soon. I have work tonight.” If Sohee is grimacing at him, he doesn’t see it.
“You don’t even wanna catch a peek at him? Halmeoni said he looks like an idol.” Wonbin hears the cheekiness in his voice and rolls his eyes exaggerated enough for Sohee to get the message. He bumps his shoulder for extra measure while walking towards the bed.
“Goodnight, Sohee.”
“Nighty Binnie!” Sohee turns the light off as he’s leaving. Wonbin hears him grab the box next door. He listens to Halmeoni letting the guest in and explaining the place.
“The living room is to your right, then over here’s the kitchen—” She goes on and on. Sohee is down there now and saying his hellos and goodbyes. He whispers something to Halmeoni about Wonbin being upset and to give him some space. Wonbin huffs, knowing as soon as she has him alone she’ll be asking him all kinds of questions.
The new tenant’s voice is low and soft, drowned out by the elevated volume of the Lees. A couple of minutes after hearing Sohee leave, Wonbin shoots out of bed and cracks open the door. The stairs are right next to Wonbin’s room; just one tiptoe and he’s by the railing. He peeks his head out, glimpses brown shaggy hair on top of a light blue zip-up, then heads back to his room.
That’s enough, he thinks to himself before turning around to give it one more go. Just one more peek will satisfy him. Of course, hindsight is 20-20. Wonbin meets a pair of big dark eyes, surprised at his sudden presence. The new tenant stopped on the stairs with Halmeoni in tow. He nods, pressing his small lips into a line as his rectangular glasses fall down his nose. Wonbin nods back, turns, and enters his room.
He hears the new tenant ask who he was; Halmeoni introduces him as well as Shotaro. Wonbin sighs, shaking his head of the embarrassing memory. Knowing it will replay over and over, Wonbin resolves to really fall asleep this time.
No longer feeling it appropriate to listen in, he puts his headphones in and clicks play on whatever his MP3 was playing last time he went to sleep. It normally takes a while. Thoughts of the future plague his head, entire movies of things that have not happened yet. Images of brown shaggy hair and big dark eyes flash in between. He recognizes a semi-familiar Ozzy Osbourne song before he’s taken by sleep.