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Nancy should have known that love would be the death of her brother. She should have protected him and his heart more. She should have known. But again, what sister ever imagines losing her sixteen-year-old brother? No sister ever imagines having to bury their baby brother or much less seeing him die in front of her eyes.
She will never get to see him graduate from high school. She'll never get to teach him how to drive because Mom's too busy, and Mike would never ask Dad for help. She'll never get to see him go to college. She'll never get to see him celebrate his 17th, 18th, 21st, or any other birthday. She'll never get to see him become a writer and share his beautiful writings with the rest of the world. She'll never get to see him get married and have kids. She'll never get to hear him call her for every big moment in his life, full of panic and hoping his big sister will fix everything up. She'll never get to see him at peace.
She'll never hear his joyful laughter ring around the house ever again. She'll never see him lounging around in the basement with his friends ever again. She'll never see him playing house with Holly and entertaining her ever again. She'll never scream at him for barging into her room ever again. She'll never see him give his awkward shovel talk to her significant others ever again. She'll never see him dancing with El ever again. She'll never see him grumble when Mom is fussing over him ever again. She'll never see him playing D&D ever again. She'll never argue about superior pizza toppings with him ever again. She'll never see his beautiful eyes filled with so much life open ever again. She'll never even get his body to bury and get a chance at closure.
She'll never get her brother back.
She should have prepared herself to lose him so soon when she had always seen him as a fire burning too brightly and had always worried that the world would try to smother him.
She didn't know how to survive without him. She didn't know how to live without him. He had been in her earliest memories, the one true constant in her life. She had no idea how life could go on without his bright existence. How can she live when her brother will never get to?
While she's been living in a haze and disconnected from the world, she knows that Holly had cried herself to sleep everyday still convinced that her brother is alive somewhere and will come to calm her down. She knows that her Mom had screamed herself hoarse and had to be tranquilized. She had been in a catatonic state ever since, not knowing how to live without her baby. She knows her normally withdrawn father had broken down in tears and had gone to her brother's grave every day and spent the entire day finally speaking the words he had never told Mike when he had been alive.
She had seen the look on his face when El had stood in the upside-down, ready to die. Se had known then that when he had promised El that he would always be with her and would never leave her alone, he had meant following her in death as well. She should have known Mike, after all, never breaks his promises. She had tried her hardest to get to him, but those soldiers had a hard grip on her. He had somehow escaped the soldier holding him and had been running to El. She saw the grief, fear, love, happiness, and terror on El's face. She had seen the all-encompassing love on his face. She had seen him reaching El's side, grabbing her, hugging her, and pleading with her to live. At her refusal, he had simply kissed her and stood there holding her close. She had seen both of them gazing at each other with love in their eyes. She had seen El's tears, her begging Mike to leave her to die. She had seen her brother whisper his love and bring his forehead close to her. She had seen them both disappear and die holding each other. She had seen her little brother die while she screamed and begged him to leave. She didn't remember her screams, cries, tears, and wails. She didn't remember anything else other than her brother's eyes full of love, his smile filled with sorrow, and his fire still burning too bright.
Her brother had always loved with all his heart, and that very love is what took him away.
Her brother had been ready to die since he was 12.
Her brother knew he would always die young, and for those he loved. He had a will.
He had a will.
No sixteen-year-old should have a will.
He had letters for everyone.
He had gifts for everyone prepared in case of his death.
No sixteen-year-old should have been this prepared to die.
Her brother, whom she was supposed to protect.
Her brother, whom she had loved more than anything.
What was she supposed to do now?